


Woven in my Soul

by rayrae118



Series: Under My Skin [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Admiral Komack being an ass, Admiral Marcus being an ass, BAMF Admiral Archer, BAMF Chris Pike, BAMF Jim, BAMF Leonard "Bones" McCoy, BAMF everyone, Conspiracies, F/M, Five Year Mission, Gen, Klingons, Past Child Abuse, Post-Star Trek (2009), Pre-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Starfleet politics, Tarsus IV, mentions of abuse, sort of, they're not as bad as you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 182,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8025325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayrae118/pseuds/rayrae118
Summary: Jim and the Enterprise crew are together and exploring, what could possibly go wrong? Well, it's Jim, so... yeah. Five year missions, space, old friends and new ones, a little Khan, a little Kodos, it's going to be an interesting ride!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope no one gets turned off by a Jim/Carol pairing. I know it's not really popular, but I'm trying to make it work. I didn't like the way Carol was portrayed in the movie, so I wanted to make her a real character, not just someone there for the guys to look at. And just as a little hint, the OC that I put McCoy with? Well, she'll be familiar to you if you read the last story (which you really should if you haven't, because otherwise this one won't make a whole lot of sense)!

If someone had asked Jim Kirk ten years ago how he thought he would be living his life, Jim probably would have replied that he didn't plan on surviving past his twenty fifth birthday.

It wasn't necessarily that he wanted to die, that was just the way his life was going. After everything he had been through, even by the age of fifteen, it just made sense that he would drive himself into an early grave.

Frank. Tarsus. Winona. It all just swirled around unpleasantly in his mind. Sometimes it threatened to overwhelm him, but he always managed to force it back. It scared him to think about what might happen if one day, he couldn't lock it up anymore.

Even if Jim had come up with some sort of future, he probably would have pictured himself working at an auto shop, or in a bar.

He would never, in a million years, have imagined himself overcoming his hatred for the organization that had killed his father and in another way, taken his mother away from him as well. He would never have imagined himself actually joining them.

But here he was, twenty-six years old, Captain of a starship.

And not just any starship, but the flagship. The _Enterprise._

Captain. The title just rolled off his tongue. It made him smile a little each time he heard it.

When he looked back on the early years, he couldn't believe he was the same person. Was he really that angry, scared child who wasn't strong enough to stop his stepfather from pounding his ass into the ground every night? Was he really the empty shell of a kid who was forced to grow up before his time, because some psychotic, insane tyrant had decided to murder half a colony in order to let the other half live?

Jim had to admit, if it weren't for Chris, he probably would have never found a reason to push those personas aside.

Christopher Pike was the reason he had joined Starfleet. Chris was the reason he had forced himself to put down roots and actually let other people in. It had started with him, and then his girlfriend, Shay.

From there, he had slowly expanded his circle to include Pavel, and Sulu. Bones and Uhura followed soon after, as had Spock and Scotty.

But when he traced back the moment he realized that even if he didn't have a blood-family, he still had a family, it all came back to Chris. The older man had been a Lieutenant Commander, the first time he had met him, on that hellhole of a planet, but he had quickly moved up the ranks. He was an Admiral now, and doing a hell of a job, Jim thought.

He kept in touch frequently during the _Enterprise'_ s travels, offering an ear, or a reprimand, depending on the situation. There wasn't much more he could do than that, considering he wasn't actually the _Enterprise'_ s commanding officer. He was too new in the ranks of Admirals to be offered that honor, and that was before getting into the fact that he had a personal relationship with the ship's Captain, and therefore, couldn't be impartial, according to many of the other Admirals.

Jim had to smirk to himself as he thought about the many official and unofficial reproaches Chris had given him over the last year. While it was true that he tended to toe the line a little (or a lot), his methods had shown a certain level of effect. The _Enterprise_ had a record number of successful missions thus far, and their injury rate was pretty low.

And now, the _Enterprise_ was back, docked at Earth for an extended shore leave, to allow for upgrades.

Since it was likely they would be here for a month or more, Jim had ordered everyone off the ship, to go home, or wherever they wanted. He didn't think it was necessary to maintain a full crew rotation on board, since there would be people there all day anyway, working on upgrades. There would be a skeleton crew in place, but only for the most needed areas – namely, Engineering and Navigations, the two departments scheduled for the most upgrades. He himself would have stuck around, but he had already made a few promises to his friends. He did make sure to order Scotty to take a break every now and then, before Sulu dragged him off to the waiting shuttle.

The two were headed to South Africa to catch some waves. Jim had made a promise to go on a surfing trip with his friend years ago, and this was their first opportunity to do so. Sulu wouldn't take no for an answer, and Jim knew it was partly McCoy's doing – the doctor wanted Jim to actually take a break from time to time. It wasn't that Jim necessarily disagreed, but the _Enterprise_ was his ship, and he wanted to make sure she was ready for their next adventure.

Still, though, Jim had to admit that the beaches of South Africa made for a pretty sight.

He and Sulu had been there for a few days, and beyond eating, sleeping, and surfing, they hadn't done much else. It was nice to just be able to relax, without having to think about work.

He and the command crew had made plans to meet up back in San Francisco at the beginning of the next week, giving them all a week to themselves.

McCoy had taken Joanna, now a bubbly six year old, to visit his mother in Georgia. Uhura and Spock had left together, and though they hadn't told Jim where they were headed, Jim was nothing if not thorough. He had found their names on a shuttle manifest headed to the same town where he knew Uhura had grown up. It seemed that Nyota had finally worked up the courage to introduce her boyfriend to her family.

Pavel was headed back to Russia to visit his parents, though Jim had made plans to meet the younger man for the latter part of the week. He hadn't been to Russia since Pavel's graduation from University, years ago. And even that had been just a quick trip. His last real visit had been the first time he had met Pavel, when Jim was fourteen.

So after four days of surfing, Jim said goodbye to the sunny beaches, and hopped a shuttle, promising to see Sulu again at the end of the week.

Sulu had thought about coming along, since he had never been to Russia before, but he only had a week, and who knew when he would get a chance to go surfing in Africa again? San Francisco really couldn't compare to this.

**XXX**

Jim stepped off the shuttle in St. Petersburg and shielded his eyes from the bright sunlight. He had made plans to meet with Pavel in the city later in the day, which meant he had a few hours to kill.

Pretty perfect, because he knew exactly how he was going to spend his afternoon.

His feet took him along a familiar path, though it had been years since he had walked these streets – his eidetic memory meant that he remembered exactly where his destination lay.

The quaint little café was just as charming as the last time he had been here. There were a few people seated at the tables, eating lunch, but as it was a weekday, there weren't too many customers.

Jim looked around, and saw Sarah busy serving an older couple towards the back of the café. She looked just as warm and friendly as she had when he was fourteen.

The middle-aged woman glanced towards the door, and noticed him standing there. " _Welcome,"_ she smiled, greeting him in Russian. " _You can take a seat anywhere you like, and I'll be with you in just a moment._ "

Jim nodded silently, and headed towards an empty table.

It was only a few minutes later when Sarah headed towards him. She gave him a smile. " _Good morning, dear. Do you know what you'd like, or should I give you a few minutes?"_

Jim bit his lip, standing up hesitantly. " _I actually came here to see you and your husband_ ," he admitted.

Sarah frowned, studying him intently. Something about him seemed familiar, but she couldn't place what it was. " _Do I know you?"_ she finally asked, confused.

Jim smiled softly. " _Not well,"_ he replied. " _We met about twelve years ago. You let me work for you in return for a meal, and then you gave me a ride to Syuyre._ "

Sarah's eyes widened, as she remembered the teenaged boy they had helped, so long ago. She had always wondered what had happened to him. " _Jim_ ," she whispered, one hand flying to her mouth to cover her gasp of surprise.

Jim shrugged sheepishly. " _I'm sorry it took me so long to visit,_ " he said.

Sarah beamed as she grasped him in a tight hug. " _Oh, don't worry about that,_ " she chastised him. " _I'm sure you've been busy. Captain Kirk_."

Jim spluttered as she pulled away, smiling proudly. " _How did you…"_ he finally managed to get the words out.

Sarah shook her head. _"You don't realize how famous you are, do you? Even here in Russia, we watched the newsvids. You became quite a household name when you defeated the_ Narada _last year. I had no idea that you were the same boy we helped all those years ago, though! Even now, I thought you looked familiar, but it took me a minute to place you. But we saw your picture all over the news last year!"_

Jim didn't know how to respond, so he just shrugged again.

Sarah sighed fondly. " _Just wait here a moment, I'll go fetch Anton._ "

Jim nodded, and Sarah disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing a minute later with her husband in tow.

Anton was not a very expressive person, but he did offer up a handshake for the younger man. Sarah implored him to whip something up for them to eat, before sitting down next to Jim.

Anton obediently went back to the kitchen; he reappeared five minutes later with a tray full of brunch foods, and the trio spent a while catching up. Jim shared some of his travels with the older couple, entertaining them with a watered down version of a few of their more interesting missions. They got a kick out of hearing about some of the strange situations the _Enterprise_ had been in.

It was midafternoon when Jim's comm. chimed. He answered it with an apologetic shrug to Sarah, who had been interrupted by the beeping.

It was Pavel, letting Jim know that he had arrived, and asking where to meet him. Jim gave him the address for the café, and then put his comm. away.

He looked back at his companions, smiling. " _That was Pavel, one of my friends. He works on the_ Enterprise _with me."_

Sarah smiled. " _He is coming here?"_

Jim nodded. " _He's visiting his parents in Syuyre. We made plans to meet in St. Petersburg._ "

Anton furrowed his brow. " _This is the same boy you were looking for the last time you were here, yes?"_

Jim smiled softly, remembering the excitable kid he had first met after Pavel had been separated from his mother. " _Yes, it is."_

They didn't have time to speak any further, as the door opened once more, and Pavel walked in. He looked around the nearly empty café briefly, before making his way to Jim's table. He smiled brightly as Jim stood up and gave him a quick hug.

"Hey kid, how're the parents?" he asked softly. Pavel's smile tightened minutely, but he nodded an assurance to the man he thought of as an older brother.

Jim winced sympathetically, knowing that things were a bit strained between Pavel and his parents, and had been ever since they had acquiesced and allowed their son to enroll in Starfleet Academy. They hadn't wanted him to risk his life like that, probably an after effect of losing their only daughter on Tarsus. The situation had deteriorated even more after the _Narada_ incident. It made small talk just a little awkward, but Pavel was trying. He didn't want to lose his parents out of stubbornness, and god forbid if something did happen, to him or them, he didn't want their last words to be spoken out of anger.

Understanding the situation, Jim didn't push, and just turned back to the couple still seated at the table. " _Sarah, Anton, this is Pavel Chekov, my chief Navigations Officer. Pavel, this is Sarah and Anton. They're the ones who gave me a ride to Syuyre, the first time I met you."_

Pavel grinned and shook each of their hands. " _Thank you for doing that,"_ he said eagerly. " _Because of you I gained an older brother and a great friend, so thank you for making that happen."_

Jim pushed down the blush that threatened to appear, and just slung an arm across Pavel's shoulders.

Sarah smiled fondly at the pair. _"It was no trouble at all_ ," she assured the younger man. " _We were happy to help."_

Anton nodded in agreement. " _It was our pleasure."_ He gestured to the table. " _Would you care to join us? Jim was telling us about some of your adventures in space."_ A sly smile crept onto his face. " _I am uncertain how much is true. Perhaps a second opinion would come in handy?"_

Jim spluttered protests. " _I have been nothing but truthful,"_ he objected.

Sarah just patted his cheek fondly. " _Of course you have, dear,_ " she placated. Jim relaxed minutely, but then let out a huff of annoyance a moment later, when Sarah turned to Pavel. " _But a second opinion couldn't hurt."_

Pavel laughed along with Sarah and Anton, at the look of mock-outrage on Jim's face.

Sighing in defeat, Jim just collapsed back into his seat, muttering about mutiny. The others all took a seat as well, and Pavel began describing an incident early on in their journey, one that Jim had really been hoping would not be mentioned – self-preservation, after all, always won out.

The rest of the afternoon and early evening disappeared in a whirlwind of stories and laughter. Anton and Sarah took turns disappearing to deal with the few customers that came in, but it had been a slow day, so there weren't too many.

When it got to be near dinnertime, Anton brought out several platters filled with traditional Russian food. Pavel spent nearly as much time complimenting Sarah and Anton as he did eating; the food was amazing, the best he had ever had, and he wanted them to know. Sarah and Anton were, when he thought about it, the kind of people he wished his parents could be. Even after just one afternoon, he was certain of that. Perhaps it was their warm and friendly attitude, or the way they were eager to hear stories of his and Jim's adventures. His own parents hadn't wanted to hear about any of it, and he couldn't even mention his Captain without his father growing cold and angry. Pavel knew it was because his papa blamed Jim for dragging him to danger among the stars, but that knowledge didn't make it hurt any less.

After they had finished eating, Jim waved off Sarah's insistence that he not worry about paying, and pulled out a credit chip. He shook his head sternly. " _Sarah, the last time I was here, I didn't have two credits to my name. Now that I can afford it, I will pay. Don't try to persuade me, you won't win._ "

Sarah sighed in exasperation, but didn't protest any more, and led Jim to the register, so that she could process the payment.

Pavel watched them go; Anton watched Pavel with a knowing look, which the Navigations Officer noticed when he turned back to finish off the last of his meal. He looked at the older man in confusion. " _What is it?"_ he asked curiously.

Anton shook his head fondly. " _It brings me joy to see that Jim has such people in his life who care for him the way you clearly do._ "

Pavel blushed and ducked his head. " _We're friends."_

Anton nodded slightly. " _Yes. I remember Jim when he first showed up here. Black eye and hunched figure clearly hiding other injuries. He was a quiet boy, polite but definitely hiding something. He has grown up well, with good people surrounding him."_

Pavel's blush deepened, but he didn't reply, as Jim and Sarah returned.

The Navigations Officer stood back and watched while Sarah embraced Jim, thanking him for visiting, and making him promise to be safe in his travels. He agreed, embarrassed, and then moved over to say goodbye to Anton, while Sarah headed for Pavel.

The teenager was surprised when she gave him a tight hug with no reservations. " _It was so lovely to meet you, dear,"_ she smiled, pulling back and peering up at his shocked expression. " _You all take care of each other up there._ "

Pavel nodded quickly. " _We will_ ," he promised.

Sarah nodded firmly, and then gave Jim one last hug, before the two Starfleet officers left the café.

Outside, Jim rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "They're good people," he tried to explain.

Pavel shook his head, cutting the older man off. "I'm glad I got to meet them, they were very nice."

Jim sighed in agreement, and led Pavel over to the hotel he had made a reservation at. Once in the room, he took a seat on one bed, while Pavel hesitantly sat on the other.

Jim pursed his lips as he observed the younger man intently, noting the subtle signs of stress lining the teenager's face. He had a sneaking suspicion that the visit to the parents hadn't gone very well. "Do you want to stay in the area for the rest of the week?" he asked softly, not wanting to push, but happy to leave if Pavel didn't want to stick around.

Pavel took a deep breath and then let it out, before he shook his head sadly. "Not really," he admitted.

Jim knew that Pavel didn't want to talk about it, so he just nodded. "If we wake up early, we can catch a shuttle back to South Africa. Sulu's still there, and you have been wanting to try surfing again, right?"

Pavel gave Jim a bright smile that was only slightly forced as he nodded eagerly. "That sounds like fun."

Jim nodded again. "All right. Get some sleep then, we'll have to wake up in a few hours."

Pavel obediently lay down, while Jim dimmed the lights and the room descended into darkness.

**XXX**

Sulu was happy to see Jim and Pavel, and didn't ask about the change of plans. He knew that things were strained between Pavel and his parents, and didn't want to pry. The rest of the week passed peacefully, with Pavel putting the skills Jim and Hikaru had taught him to use, with only partial success. He had only really surfed a couple of times, and nothing more than tiny waves – even then, he could only stay up half the time. South Africa was just a little advanced for him, but he did enjoy spending the time with his friends.

The trio returned to San Francisco at the end of the week, giving each other farewells with promises to meet up the next day, before they disappeared to their respective homes. Each one had an apartment on campus, in the officers housing, even though they didn't spend too much time there.

That evening, Jim headed towards a nearby bar, intending to meet Bones for a drink. The doctor had returned earlier that day as well, and Jim wanted to hear about the trip. He knew that Bones' mother still lived in the same house he had grown up in – the same town where he had met Jocelyn, and the same town where Jocelyn still lived, with her new husband. He hoped everything had gone well, and there hadn't been any issues.

Jim was halfway through his first beer when his comm. chimed, informing him that he had a message. Reading it through, Jim sighed. Apparently, Joanna had come down with a bug on the shuttle back to California, and McCoy couldn't make it to the bar that night.

Jim sent back a reply, telling his friend not to worry about it, and that he would come by and see Joanna tomorrow, before he put his comm. away and turned back to his drink, while simultaneously turning his attention to the bar around him. He was now faced with a solitary evening, something he hoped to rectify.

He was still observing the patrons when an attractive blond pushed herself through the crowd, coming to a stop at the bar. "Excuse me," she called out, looking at the bartender, who was currently at the other end of the bar.

Jim had to smile at her British accent, even as he admired her stunning figure.

The bartender did not appear to hear her, so she called out again, and then huffed in annoyance when the man didn't look up.

Jim let out a small chuckle, and the woman turned to face him. "Something amuse you?" she asked smartly, throwing him a glare.

Jim shook his head quickly. "Not at all," he assured her. "I was just going to ask if you wanted some help."

The woman raised an eyebrow, cocking one hip to the side as she leaned against the bar. "You think you can do better?" Jim shrugged, and the woman nodded curtly. "Fine. Sierra Nevada IPA."

Jim inclined his head, and turned towards the bartender, simultaneously holding up a credit chip.

And to the strange woman's gall, the bartender immediately came over and listened to Jim's order, pulling out the bottle of beer along with a frosted glass, setting them down in front of Jim. She protested slightly when Jim handed over his credit chip, paying for the drink.

"I can actually pay for myself," she huffed.

Jim gave her a trademark smirk. "What kind of gentleman would I be if I let a beautiful lady pay for her own drink?"

The woman gave him a calculating look. "You brought this on yourself," she warned, and then turned back to the bartender. "I'll take a single malt as well, top shelf. Neat."

Jim looked at her in appreciation. "A woman after my own heart," he admired. "I'll have the same," he ordered.

The bartender obediently gave them their requested drinks, and then moved away. The woman seemed nonplussed, as she sat down next to Jim. "Very well, then, you have my attention."

Jim gave her a light smirk. "Who said I was trying to do that?"

The woman studied him intently for a moment, trying to figure this man out. He was buying her drinks – expensive ones too, a top shelf scotch was not cheap – and she was positive he was flirting with her, but it didn't seem like he wanted to just get her into bed. If that were the case, he probably would have at least told her his name by now.

Deciding that if she wanted to steer the conversation forward, she would have to be assertive, she set her glass down and tucked a lock of her short blond hair behind her ear. "I'm Carol," she introduced herself.

Jim smiled, and reached out one hand for her to shake. "Jim," he replied.

Carol turned back to her drink. "So, Jim, what brings you out alone tonight?"

Jim shrugged, taking a sip of his scotch. "I was supposed to be meeting a friend, but his daughter is sick; hence, me alone."

Carol snorted. "Did you just use the word 'hence' in an actual sentence?"

Jim could only shrug again. "I guess. You got a problem with that?" he offered up a smile so that she knew he was joking.

Carol sighed exaggeratedly, shaking her head. "And just when I thought we could get along."

She was only able to hold onto the stoic expression for a few moments before she started laughing. After another moment, Jim joined in.

Once they both calmed down, they started to talk a little further, and Jim learned that Carol was a Science Officer in Starfleet. She had been stationed on a starbase for a while, before coming back to Earth with a request to be reassigned to a starship.

Carol found herself telling Jim all sorts of things about herself without even realizing it. It wasn't until she had described her experiences at the Academy, how she had completed her PhD and enrolled in the Academy less than a month later, how she had been assigned to a starbase, and why she wanted the change, that she realized that she knew next to nothing about Jim. He was very good at maneuvering the conversation around her, without sharing himself.

She set down her second beer – the first plus the scotch both long gone – and observed him intently. "Are you being deliberately coy, or do you honestly refuse to tell me anything about yourself?" she asked archly, catching Jim mid-swig.

Jim swallowed and set his bottle down, before sighing. "It's not you," he assured her. "I just tend not to share much."

Carol nodded, confused. "Well, you know all of this about me, it seems only fair that I learn about you."

Jim sighed and nodded. "You're probably right. Well then, shall we start at the beginning?" He didn't wait for a reply. "I completed the requirements to graduate high school at the age of seven. By the time I was twelve, I had completed two undergraduate degrees." Carol's jaw dropped, but Jim kept going. "I finished my Master's degree when I was twenty, due mostly to the fact that I spent most of those eight years traveling, both on and off planet. I did some consulting for Starfleet, after they caught wind of my thesis. My work, and in particular my thesis at MIT, was the launching point for the warp core that most constellation class starships are using now." Now Carol knew she was staring. Jim smirked, knowing what she was thinking. "I attended the Academy at twenty two, and graduated in three years last year with the rank of Captain. I now Captain Starfleet's flagship, the _USS Enterprise_."

Carol swallowed harshly. "Captain Kirk," she whispered.

Jim nodded, his expression part serious, part resigned. "I don't like to share all that with people, because it tends to change the way they look at me. We were having a good time, are you going to change now because I just happen to be a superior? Neither of us is on the clock, and if we were, we'd be breaking all kinds of regulations just by being in this bar."

Carol forced herself to close her mouth, before she shook her head firmly. "Not at all, Jim," she assured him. "I'm sorry, it was just a surprise." She looked down at her drink. "I actually know how you feel." Jim made a questioning noise, and Carol turned back to him. "My full name is Carol Wallace Marcus."

She waited a moment for the click, and wasn't disappointed when Jim shifted slightly in his seat. "As in Admiral Marcus?"

Carol nodded, wincing slightly. "My father. I tend to use only my mother's maiden name in my work, so that people won't give treat me differently. Most people wouldn't realize it just by looking at me, so it's pretty easy to stay under the radar."

Jim inclined his head, smiling warmly. "That makes sense."

Carol returned the smile. "So, Jim, are you going to treat me differently?"

Jim paused briefly, just long enough to worry her, before he grinned. "The only thing I'm going to treat you to is another drink."

He motioned for the bartender to bring them each another beer, and Carol laughed weakly. "You keep that up, Mr. Kirk, and I might think you're just aiming to get me drunk."

Jim shrugged. "Whatever works."

Carol shoved him lightly. "I'd be worried if I thought you meant that."

Jim chuckled, nodding in agreement. He would never get a woman drunk just to sleep with them. He liked to think that he didn't need to resort to plays like that.

With the ice officially broken, they both relaxed, and began to open up about other things. Carol shared some stories of her childhood, growing up in England with her mother, and her studies both in school and at the Academy, while Jim shared some stories of his exploits while traveling, and some of the more interesting adventures on the _Enterprise_. If Carol noticed that none of Jim's stories included his childhood, or his family, she said nothing.

Jim was in the middle of telling Carol about the time he had dropped in on the _USS Yorktown_ and surprised Chris, and then managed to fix the ship so that they could actually leave the planet they had been docked at, when his comm. chimed. With an apologetic shrug, he answered the device. He would have let it go, but it was McCoy calling, and he made it a point to always answer the doctor's calls.

"Hey, Bones, what's up?" he asked. "How's Joanna?"

He could feel McCoy's frustration and worry on the other end. "She's tired and running a small fever. Nothing too bad," he assured, knowing that Jim was very protective of the girl he saw as a niece. "But her throat hurts, and she really wants some ice cream. I know you're probably busy, but would you mind bringing some over when you get a chance?"

Jim immediately replied, "Of course, Bones. I'll be there in half an hour."

He hung up, and looked at Carol apologetically. "I'm sorry, Carol, I have to take care of this."

Carol nodded understandingly. "This is the friend you mentioned was supposed to meet you?"

Jim nodded quickly, already standing up and downing the last of his beer. "His daughter's only six; she caught some sort of bug on the shuttle back here today."

Carol smiled. "Well, you shouldn't deny the young lady whatever she desires. Ice cream always makes everything better."

Jim returned the smile, glad that Carol understood. "It was really nice to meet you, Carol. Maybe we'll see each other around campus?"

Carol nodded, and reached out to take his comm., entering a few numbers quickly. "Here's my comm. number," she said, giving the device back. "Don't be a stranger."

Jim's smile widened, before he headed for the exit, intent on finding the closest corner market to pick up a pint of Rocky Road, Joanna's favorite.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the weekend passed peacefully; Jim spent most of his time with Joanna and McCoy, acting the dutiful part of loving uncle. The young girl improved dramatically with the addition of a second member of her family, her fever going down within a day, and soon after that, she was back to being her usual cheerful self.

McCoy sometimes playfully joked that Joanna loved Jim more than him, even with the slightly guilty expression that occasionally appeared on his friend's face at the words. He knew that Jim didn't want to take his daughter away, but Joanna loved spending time with her cool, fun, totally kick-ass uncle.

That didn't mean that the kid didn't love her father as well, and she had spent many a day over the last year following McCoy around Medbay, her sunny smile and cheerful personality bringing a lightheartedness to the normally serious ship hospital.

Joanna had been the start of what McCoy privately termed an epidemic. Once Jim had approved him bringing his daughter on board, he had received appeals from several other personnel, requesting to bring their children along as well.

Over the last year since they had defeated Nero and come together as a crew and as a family, the number of kids had grown; they had left San Francisco a year ago with seven children between the ages of four and seventeen. When they docked last week, ten children had disembarked – two of them only a few months old, and one that had been picked up as they passed by a planet housing a Federation colony where one Ensign's sister had been raising the single mother's child.

It made Jim very happy to have families on board – he had always thought that his childhood might have been a little better if Winona had taken him and Sam along with her, rather than leaving them behind with Frank.

And after a year, it was clear to the Admiralty that having kids on board starships wasn't as horrible an idea as they had thought, and so they began advertising the option to the other ships. Shay had informed him that she now carried roughly fifteen children on the _Yorktown_ , and though it took some getting used to, she couldn't hate the change. While the idea of having kids on starships hadn't exactly been forbidden before, it hadn't been an option Starfleet had really advocated for, so not too many people brought their kids along.

Overall, Jim thought that things were going pretty well; he was pretty sure the Admiralty didn't know what to do with him at times, but with Pike, Barnett, and Archer on his side, a lot of little things that toed the line were let slide. True, anything serious had to be passed along to Admiral Komack, Jim's direct superior, but they left out as much as they could, much to Jim's relief.

Jim wished he could just report to Pike and be done with it, but because of his personal relationship with the older man, the rest of the Admiralty wouldn't let that happen. Komack was an asshole and a stickler for the rules, but Jim supposed it could be worse. He could have gotten stuck with Garovick.

And he still got to talk with the Admirals he was closest to – Pike, Barnett, and Archer – to use as a sounding board.

All three were very interested in his adventures, and made sure to keep themselves informed. Though Komack may have been his official superior, having Archer and Barnett involved was a blessing; it kept Komack in line, knowing that the others were keeping an eye out. Komack might like to pretend otherwise, but the truth of the matter was that Archer and Barnett were both higher up than him, and well-liked; he would be an idiot to cross them.

Even Pike was gaining ground; his actions with the Narada had made him a bit of a hero, just like Jim. He was also the youngest appointed Admiral in Starfleet history, which added to his former title of youngest appointed Captain, a title that had been usurped by Jim just a year earlier.

So all in all, Jim thought things were going pretty well. It was that thought he clung to as he watched Archer throw a PADD down on his desk as he glared at the young Captain.

"I don't care what your report says, Kirk. Do you really expect us to believe that one of your Security officers got swallowed up by a giant sunflower?"

Chris and Richard snickered behind hands that were meant to hide their smiles, while Jim just shrugged. "Technically I don't think it was actually a sunflower," he mused, only making Chris and Richard laugh harder. "Is it still a sunflower if the petals are blue and purple? And we got him back in the end, so what's the problem?"

Archer growled, and threw a pen at Richard as the larger man guffawed.

The taller man dodged the missile easily, which only made Archer more irritated.

"That's not the point," the distinguished Admiral huffed.

Jim looked at him questioningly. "Then what is, sir?"

He failed to completely hide his grin when Archer lobbed another pen, this time at him. He ducked easily, and gave the older man his most earnest pout. "I just report what I see, Admiral," he protested. "I couldn't make this stuff up!"

Archer could do nothing but huff again, as he collapsed back into his seat. "I'll give you that," he allowed. Jim smiled, and Archer rolled his eyes. "Strange missions aside, though, how're things going up there? Any issues you didn't want to put in a report?"

All of them knew what Jon was really saying; all three Admirals in this room had wanted to be the ones in charge of assigning missions and handling the _Enterprise_ , but because of their relationship with the ship's Captain, that idea had been vetoed pretty quickly. They were sure that Komack and Garovick had teamed up to put the idea down, but they could do nothing about it.

It would have been easier if they were handling Jim, because he actually trusted them. If there were issues, Jim would come to them for assistance, and they would be able to keep a closer eye on him.

But Jim didn't trust Komack, and they all knew it. He would leave things out of the reports he compiled, and he wouldn't share everything. It walked a fine line between duty and insubordination, and Jim probably only got away with it because he would pass on some of those things to Pike, who would then – if necessary – get Archer and Barnett involved, so that they could cover Jim's ass.

Jon and Richard were working on getting Chris to take Komack's place, but it had to be done quietly, without raising a fuss. It was all politics, and as much as they enjoyed their profession, things like this just came with the territory. Komack and Garovick represented one side of the Admiralty, while Archer and Barnett represented the other. Most Admirals lay between the two, leaning towards one side or the other.

Archer and Barnett were working towards getting more of their colleagues on their side. Once they did that, they would be able to cut Komack and Garovick off at the knees, and get them to leave the _Enterprise_ alone.

Because that's what it boiled down to, though none of them said it. The _Enterprise_ was the flagship, and her crew were some of the best and brightest in Starfleet. The Admiral who controlled them, in effect, had major sway over both Starfleet and the Federation. That's why Archer wanted Chris to take control; because he knew that Pike didn't care about any of that shit, and he just wanted Jim and the rest of the crew to be safe. Even better, he wouldn't abuse the power the way Komack was. It had been a year of Archer having to contend with his fellow Admiral's attempts of inserting himself above his authority, and quite frankly, he was sick of it.

Jim's sigh interrupted Archer's thoughts, and he turned his attention back to the Captain.

Knowing that all three Admirals were paying him close attention, Jim forced a smile on his face. "Nothing too worrying," he assured them. "Having kids on board is interesting, but definitely not a bad thing. And you know how things are, out in the black. Rules and regs are great, but sometimes the situation demands improvisation."

Richard shook his head slightly. "We can understand that, Jim, but the rules are there for a reason. We've all done the best we can to keep some of your more… chaotic actions from Komack, but you need to try a little harder. There's a line that shouldn't be crossed."

Jim's eyes flashed dangerously, as he straightened in his seat. Inexplicably, Richard found himself swallowing harshly. "Sometimes we're put in situations where people's lives are on the line, and when that happens, that line that you're talking about? It gets awfully hard to see."

Chris laid a hand on Richard's arm, cautioning him silently, before he faced Jim. "We understand," he assured the younger man. "We were all Captains as well, however long ago it may have been." His eyes narrowed as he glared at Richard.

Jon coughed, clearing his throat. "In any event, we're all very impressed with the record you've accumulated. You're doing a good job, Jim, whatever this Neanderthal says," he lightly shoved Richard. The other man huffed but nodded his agreement. "Anyway, you're going to be docked for a while. I know you're anxious to ship out again," he overrode Jim's protests, "but the upgrades will take a few weeks. We'd like you and your command crew to give a few lectures to the current class of Cadets."

Jim groaned, lowering his head to his hands. "You just love to torture me, don't you," he grouched.

Jon laughed loudly, while Chris chuckled and Richard shook his head amusedly.

"You all did a pretty good job last year, when you were filling in for the first and second year instructors after the _Narada_ incident," Archer reminded him. "It was agreed that you would perform admirably again."

Jim glared at the distinguished man as he let out a dramatic sigh. "Fine," he agreed. "But I want it known that I am doing this under duress. And we better still have free time. This is a shore leave for us." He knew there was no point in arguing. These orders hadn't come from Jon, no matter that it was this Admiral who was giving them. This was Garovick, acting as head of the Academy, and Jim knew he had to obey.

Jon nodded his agreement, and handed the Captain a PADD. "You'll find the details here. Your leave has been extended another few weeks, which will take you through the end of the current semester."

Jim raised one eyebrow, as he observed the Admiral. "I'm guessing there's a reason for that," he said archly.

Jon shrugged with one shoulder, and held up another PADD. "That's the files for the top of our current graduating class. You have been approved to select ten Cadets to take with you when you depart in six weeks. You know how things are here, Jim. Our current model of training Cadets will have to be put on hold for the next few years. We will be graduating Cadets in three years, after which they will spend six months in a training role on board a starship, to allow for hands-on learning."

Jim opened his mouth to speak, but Chris spoke over him, cutting him off. "It wasn't our call, and you have no say in the matter either, Jim," he warned. "Komack wants you to take on new blood, so look through those files, and take your pick. Be grateful that you're getting to pick."

Jim closed his mouth with a snap, realizing that Chris was right. Komack could just have easily forced these new officers on him without giving him a choice. At least this way he could make sure that the newly graduated Cadets were up to the _Enterprise_ 's standards.

He took the PADD from Jon with a muttered thanks, and left the office.

**XXX**

Jim met up with his command crew for dinner that evening, where he shared the news that they had all been tapped to speak in various classes at the Academy.

Unsurprisingly, the information was met with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

McCoy grouched and complained about being asked to work with the current senior level Medical Track Cadets, while Chekov was excited to be asked to speak to the current senior class of Navigations Cadets. Sulu thought it could be cool to show the senior class of pilots some of the maneuvers he had learned on the fly, during some of the more outrageous missions the _Enterprise_ had completed over the last year.

Uhura and Spock didn't have hard feelings one way or the other; they understood the need, but they weren't exactly excited. Uhura would be talking to the senior Xenolinguistics class about some of her experiences with acting as translator in the field. It was all well and good to learn the languages, but there was something to be said for being able to use what she had learned in the classroom, in a practical setting. Spock would be speaking with the Ethics class about first contact.

Jim was pretty apathetic about it. He wasn't looking forward to it, but he wasn't quite dreading it. He just didn't really think he was that great a teacher. But they wanted him to talk to the senior Engineering class, as well as a compilation of the more promising Command Track Cadets, so Jim would comply. He wasn't an idiot, no matter how many times Bones called him one – at this point, Jim was fairly certain Bones equated it to a term of endearment, rather than a slur against his intelligence.

They had all helped out the year before, after Nero, when the Academy had been scrambling to deal with the loss of so many officers and instructors, so it wasn't like they had never taught before. But Jim had seen that as a necessity, not a choice. As a Captain, he could think of a hundred other things he should be doing, than teaching a class of Cadets. He had a ship to get ready for departure, after all. Why couldn't he just spend the next month with Scotty? The Engineer had been fortunate to be exempt from this demand, since he firmly believed that he had to be on board overseeing the upgrades, or something would go horribly wrong.

The fact of the matter was, Jim knew that politics was rearing its ugly head at Starfleet. Jon and Richard were fighting a very quiet battle against some of the other Admirals, such as Komack, with both sides struggling for control.

What outsiders – and in reality, most Starfleet personnel – didn't realize was how truly complicated and intricate the command structure was. Some would assume that an Admiral was an Admiral, but Jim knew that there was hierarchy, even at the highest level of command.

Archer and Barnett were pretty high in the chain of command as Rear Admirals, having held that rank for a while; being well respected both in Starfleet and in the Federation added to their position of superiority. Each had a long list of commendations and awards, and impeccable records as Captains. Archer was in charge of Fleet Operations, while Barnett headed up Fleet Tactical. Both departments were considered vital to Starfleet, and thus, the Admirals who ran them were given more power than those without a significant command post, or one of lesser importance.

Chris was quickly gaining ground, with his record and his ability to connect with everyone. People liked Chris because he was charming and knew how to talk to them. He didn't hold a specific command yet, but because of his attitude and record, it didn't diminish his position like it might someone else.

Komack, head of Fleet Security, and Garovick, who ran the Academy, appeared to be the other end of the power struggle. Both were hard men who tended to rule through fear. True, both had long careers in Starfleet, which came along with their own awards and commendations, but they weren't the sort of men people would follow out of loyalty or trust.

Most of the Admirals fell somewhere in between the two groups; not really taking sides, but leaning in one way or another. For instance, Admiral Felna tended to agree with Archer on most issues, while Admiral Kawaoki usually backed Komack. Admiral Marcus generally tended to keep himself completely separate, never appearing to favor one side over the other.

So even though he hated being paraded about as a 'hero of the Federation', Jim just sucked it up and did as he was told. There was a time to question authority, and a time to hold his tongue, and Jim had spent his whole life learning the difference. Everything he had been through – Winona, to Frank, to Tarsus – had given him an intricate knowledge of how to read both people and situations.

When McCoy showed no signs of shutting up, Jim threw him a glare. That, above all else, got the irritable doctor to stop talking. He was used to Jim feigning irritation at him, but he had never seen the Captain outright annoyed.

"Give it a rest, Bones," Jim said, his tone unintentionally showing the group how tense he was feeling. "We know your feelings on the matter. I'm sorry to inform you that you don't have a choice."

McCoy swallowed harshly and nodded, making an executive decision not to push Jim any more on the subject. Clearly there was something more behind this whole idea to have them teach, and it was rubbing Jim the wrong way.

Jim coughed lightly, uncomfortable with the scrutiny his command crew was now giving him, and stood up. "I'll see you guys later," he said quickly, before leaving the table and making for the exit.

Once the Captain was gone, the rest of the immediately turned to Spock, hoping he might have an explanation.

If he had been completely human, the Commander may have offered up a confused shrug. As it was, he simply sipped his tea calmly. "The Captain received these orders from Admiral Archer earlier this afternoon. I cannot comment or speculate on his reaction."

McCoy almost let out a growl. "Jim wouldn't be this tense if it was something Archer asked him to do. Where's this really coming from, Spock?"

The half-Vulcan felt like rolling his eyes, but he refrained. "I believe the orders originated from Admiral Garovick. Admiral Komack may have also been consulted, acting in his role as Admiral in charge of the _Enterprise_."

That certainly explained things a little. Not completely, but a little. All of them knew that Komack was fraying Jim's last nerve, with his combination of ordering the _Enterprise_ on milk runs, combined with dangerous assignments that more often than not resulted in serious injuries.

Any type of protest was met with a harsh glare and reminders that he had no authority to turn down a mission given to him by a direct superior. And Garovick had always seemed to have it out for Jim, at least, according to the young Captain. They all remembered his comments of the Admiral's dislike for him, when he had been questioned over the _Narada_ incident, a year earlier.

So put in context, they could possibly understand a little of why Jim was acting so unlike the cheerful Captain they all knew and loved.

With a groan, McCoy stood up. "Well, if I'm going to have to deal with a bunch of infant wannabe doctors, I better get some rest. See you all later."

Without a backwards glance, he left the dining hall. The rest looked at each other, before deciding to follow the doctor's lead, each heading for their own beds.

**XXX**

With their newfound duties, the _Enterprise_ command crew found themselves suddenly busier than they had expected to be during this particular shore leave.

They barely got a chance to see each other over the next couple of days, with most of their spare time being taken up by grading and working on lesson plans. More than one cursed the Admirals for not giving them more warning, so that they could have gotten some preparation done ahead of time.

Jim made sure to spend his evenings with Bones, and consequently, Joanna. He quickly apologized for his outburst, which McCoy immediately waved off. He understood.

Joanna clearly could not get enough of her uncle, and insisted on sticking close by whenever he came over.

And Jim loved the girl as if she were his own, never getting tired of the way she would run at him to give him a huge hug whenever she saw him.

It made McCoy smile every time, but he refrained from teasing his friend (too much), knowing how inexplicably self-conscious the younger man could be. Really, for someone who was the youngest Captain in Starfleet history, savior of the Federation, and as well-liked as he was, Jim had some major confidence issues.

The next week passed in a similar vein, with the command crew guest speaking in classes, Jim never getting a moment to himself, and McCoy grumbling about how the Cadets were getting stupider by the year.

Towards the end of the week, Jim started taking his lunch break in a secluded corner of the quad, just to get away from colleagues, Cadets, and anyone else who seemed to be staking out the Academy, just to talk to him.

It was getting really annoying, and Jim needed some time alone, just to be able to think.

That's what he was doing as he absentmindedly ate his lunch, while most of his attention was focused on the PADD in his left hand – reports from Scotty, who was neck deep in upgrades for the _Enterprise_.

A hesitant cough drew the Captain out of his reading, and he looked up, trying to keep the annoyance from showing on his face, however he felt about being interrupted. Was it too much to ask for these people to just leave him alone for an hour? The last week had been filled with people asking him about his travels over the last year, or how he had made Captain so young, or how he had defeated Nero. If it wasn't Cadets, it was instructors, or other Starfleet personnel. It was exhausting, keeping a polite exterior and treating each person who came up to him with nothing but calm and collected interest.

The man standing in front of him now was wearing the red uniform of a Starfleet Cadet, and Jim forced himself not to sigh in exasperation. "Can I help you?" he asked courteously.

The young man bit his lip, his posture indicating that he was trying very hard not to fidget. After half a minute of silence, he finally took a deep breath. "Erm, Captain Kirk?"

Jim felt his shoulders square automatically, as he sat up a little straighter. "Yes? How can I help you, Cadet?"

The Cadet swallowed harshly. "This is going to be a little… I mean… Sir, my name is Kevin Riley, I just…"

He was cut off as Jim stood up abruptly, his face pale as his eyes widened. "Kev?" he whispered, shocked.

Kevin felt his lips quirk upwards. "JT?"

Jim nodded slowly, still staring at the confident young man in front of him. He hadn't seen Kevin since he was about fifteen. Kev had only been seven or eight, living with his aunt and uncle in Sacramento. They had corresponded a little over the few months afterwards, but that had tapered off quickly, as both were swept up in their own lives.

If Kevin had thought it through, he probably wouldn't have launched himself at a superior the way he did. But it wasn't Captain Kirk standing in front of him right now. It was JT. His hero. The leader who had saved his life, and the reason he had joined Starfleet.

Jim took a half a step back before he adjusted to the sudden weight of a full-grown man in his arms, but soon enough he was hugging Kevin back just as tightly.

After a minute, Kevin sniffed and pulled away. "Sorry," he mumbled, looking down at the ground.

Jim smiled softly. "It's all right," he assured the younger man, before his smile dropped and he forced himself not to fidget. "Do you want to sit down?"

Kevin nodded quickly, and they both sat on the bench Jim had been occupying.

The silence was deafening, as they each tried to come up with something to say. Finally, Kevin cleared his throat. "I wasn't sure, at first." Jim looked at him, questioning, and Kevin shrugged. "When I first saw the newsvids reporting on how you had defeated Nero and the _Narada_ last year, I thought you looked familiar, but I wasn't sure. But up close, I really had no doubt. You haven't changed that much since the last time I saw you."

Jim let out a small snort. "I guess not," he agreed.

Kevin smiled self-consciously. "This is going to sound a little odd, but you're the reason I'm here." Jim raised an eyebrow, and Kevin sighed. "My uncle didn't really understand, and outright refused to let me join. I graduated early from high school, almost three years ago." He shrugged. "My aunt and uncle thought I couldn't handle the stress of a typical school environment, after everything, so they had me homeschooled. I was pretty introverted for a while there, so I basically did nothing but study all the time. Made it pretty easy to get my diploma early."

Jim nodded slowly. "You would have been underage when you enlisted then. How'd you manage that?"

Kevin let out another sigh. "My aunt came to my room after my uncle and I got into a huge fight over it. She wanted to know why I was so set on joining Starfleet. I told her about you. I mean," he looked down, his gaze focusing on his lap. "I've told them a little about you over the years, but they never wanted to hear about Tarsus, and I didn't really want to talk about it either. It worked. But I told my aunt about how you had had nothing, but you had protected us anyway. You kept us all going, with nothing more than the hope that things would get better. I told her that I wanted to join Starfleet because I believed in that ideal, that faith that things can always be better." Kevin blushed as he looked back at Jim, whose expression was somewhere between shock and embarrassment. "My aunt signed the forms to allow me to enlist, without my uncle's knowledge or permission. He tried to raise a fuss, but my aunt talked him out of it." He looked down again. "I haven't spoken to my uncle in nearly three years."

Jim reached out and rested a hand lightly on Kevin's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Kev," he said sympathetically.

Kevin nodded jerkily. "I know I'm not the only one out there with family issues, it just hurts that he can't understand why I want to live my own life."

Jim sighed. "I understand. Your uncle still loves you though, Kev, I'm sure of it. He's just scared."

Kevin shrugged. "Still. It's my life."

There was a moment of silence, before Kevin shook himself off and forced himself to smile. "Anyway, here I am, three years later, about to graduate."

Due to the condensing of classes for the next few years, Kevin's entire class would be graduating after three years instead of four; Archer had told Jim that Starfleet would be doing this for the next five years, having Cadets graduate in three years, and then spend a further six months training on board starships, instead of spending that fourth year in San Francisco. They would remain Cadets for those six months, before officially becoming crewmembers, either on the ship where they served their training, or in another placement.

Jim furrowed his brow in confusion. "How is it possible that we went to the Academy together for two years, without crossing paths?"

Kevin tilted his head to one side. "Well, you were Engineering and Tactical, and I'm Navigations. Theoretically, it is possible that we wouldn't run into each other, and to be honest, without seeing all that coverage of you last year, I'm not sure if I would have recognized you."

Jim nodded slowly. It did make sense, it was just very strange.

Kevin cleared his throat. "So have you talked to any of the others since joining Starfleet?"

Startled by the change of subject, Jim took a moment before answering. "Not regularly," he admitted. "I'm keeping an eye out of course," he smiled slightly.

Kevin chuckled. "Of course," he agreed.

Jim shrugged. "April finished her Residency. Tom's been a hotshot in the science world for the last few years. I've read a few of his papers, they're all pretty intense." He let out a long breath of air. "Cory is going for a PhD in History. He should be finished sometime this year or next. I've checked on some of the others as well, but they're pretty spread out."

Kevin nodded understandingly. "But it's cool that you've been keeping tabs."

Jim snorted. "And yet somehow I completely missed you enlisting."

Kevin chuckled lightly, and Jim shook his head. After a minute, Jim looked at his comm. and grimaced. "I'm late to meet Bones. We've both got the afternoon free." He turned back to the Cadet. "You want to walk with me? I'm heading to the medical building."

Kevin nodded agreeably, and the two stood up. The walk to the medical building across campus was filled with light banter and easy conversation.

When they reached the building, Jim could see McCoy waiting for him out front, and winced. He knew the doctor didn't like to be kept waiting, especially since it was eating into the time he could be spending with his daughter.

Jim turned to Kevin, and noticed the younger man glance at his watch. He smiled. "You should get to class. I'll talk to you soon, yeah?"

Kevin nodded quickly. "See you later, JT." He gave Jim a quick hug, before hurrying off back the way they had come. Jim watched him go for a minute, before he looked back at McCoy.

The doctor had noticed him, and was heading in his direction, so Jim just waited.

McCoy peered in the direction the strange man had disappeared to, as he sidled up to Jim's side. "Who was that?" he asked by way of greeting.

Jim shrugged. "An old friend," he replied vaguely.

McCoy scowled, but didn't press, recognizing that Jim didn't want to talk about it.

Jim glanced at his friend, and almost smiled, seeing the curiosity in the older man's gaze; he also saw acceptance there, and knew that, as interested as McCoy was, he wouldn't push. He would wait for Jim to tell him.

Wordlessly, the two started making their way towards the Academy daycare center. That was a relatively new development, but after Nero's attack, Starfleet had gotten many more applications from parents who needed somewhere for their kids to stay while they were in class, so the Academy had started a daycare and after school center. It was only after that, that they appeared to realize how many parents they already had enlisted – before the daycare had been implemented, most parents had had to pay for nannies and babysitters if they couldn't get friends or relatives to help out. This daycare was a much cheaper option.

Joanna was clearly having the time of her life when McCoy and Jim arrived, but she immediately dropped what she was doing to launch herself at her father as soon as she spotted him. "Daddy!" she yelled, hugging him with all the ferocity a six-year-old could manage.

McCoy hugged her back just as eagerly. "Jo-Jo," he grinned.

Joanna pulled back and beamed up at him, before she shifted her attention. "Uncle Jim!"

Jim made a show of pretending to be knocked back as she threw herself at him. "Hey squirt," he grinned. "How's it hangin'?"

Joanna tilted her head up to look at him, her mouth curving into a lopsided grin that showed a gap front and center where she had just lost a tooth a few days earlier.

McCoy smiled at the sight; he knew that no matter how much time passed, he would never get tired of seeing his daughter and Jim together. His best friend was so good with Joanna, and the little girl adored her uncle.

He let them have a few minutes, before he cleared his throat. "Come on kiddo, let's go get some ice cream."

Joanna beamed at her father, and let Jim pick her up, before the trio headed off towards the Academy gates.


	3. Chapter 3

Leonard McCoy had been called a lot of things in his lifetime. Asshole, emotionally stunted, workaholic. Most of those, admittedly, had been spewed at him by his bitch of an ex-wife, so he took it with a grain of salt, but he knew that she wasn't completely blowing smoke.

And he had been all right with being the pessimistic ass who didn't know what fun was.

Until Jim. Until he had joined Starfleet and found the family he had never even known he had wanted.

He loved his parents, and his daughter was the light of his life, but before Starfleet, he truly hadn't known what family really was.

People who stood by him, who helped him when he was too stubborn to ask, who offered him a shoulder or an ear when he was too pigheaded to admit that he needed it.

The _Enterprise_ had given him a second chance, and he would never do anything to jeopardize that.

Which was why he was grudgingly playing along with Komack and/or Garovick's crazy decree – he didn't care which Admiral ordered it, it was crazy no matter what. He wasn't a teacher. He didn't _do_ compassionate, or patient. He did efficient, and competent. He wasn't suited to the lifestyle of passing on knowledge to the next generation.

Honestly, half of these idiotic Medical Cadets couldn't operate their way out of a paper bag. Why the hell did they want to become doctors anyway?

He did take some pride in the fact that he had made at least one Cadet cry each day since he had started this teaching gig. If he had to be miserable, he would make damn sure that everyone else was as well. And Komack and Garovick could go screw themselves.

The only upside he could see was the other doctor they had helping out. McCoy had met her on his first day teaching; apparently, she had just recently finished her Residency within the last couple of years, but she was quickly making a name for herself in the medical field. After Nero and the _Narada_ , Starfleet had offered her a position at their hospital, with a part-time teaching role to help fill out the badly depleted collection of instructors at the Academy.

Her name was April, and she was just a couple of years younger than McCoy himself. The grouchy doctor found himself enjoying the period of time before the day officially began, when he and April would commiserate over some real coffee – Columbian brew, April sure knew how to pick her drink, and had even splurged to get the real coffee machine installed in the staff room, just so she wouldn't have to deal with replicated crap.

As it turned out, April wasn't too fond of teaching herself. As she told McCoy, she'd much rather actually be _doing_ , but this had been an opportunity she couldn't pass up.

The offer had also come on the heels of a bad breakup, which April admitted may have been a deciding factor in her decision to uproot her life to take a job she hadn't been completely sure she had wanted.

One week into this thrice cursed teaching gig, and McCoy already couldn't wait to get back into space – and that in itself said a lot for his state of mind. If he was actually looking forward to being trapped on a tin can once more, what did that say about his ability to teach?

April glanced up from her spot across the room, and smiled slightly. "What did the coffee ever do to you?"

McCoy looked over, startled. "Huh?" he asked, ever so eloquently.

April shook her head. "You're scowling into your cup like it just sold you down the road for a bag of magic beans. I promise you it's real coffee."

McCoy shook himself off. "Sorry. It's good, I'm just not a morning person."

April snorted. "You mean you're not a people person."

McCoy shrugged. "Tomato, tomahto."

April felt herself smiling almost against her will. No matter how abrasive he was, it was hard not to like the prickly man. He was brutally honest and didn't believe in bullshit. He was also kind and compassionate, not that he ever showed it. She was pretty good at reading people, so he couldn't hide from her.

"Bet you can't wait to get back into space then, huh," April took a seat at Leonard's table and sipped from her own mug.

McCoy didn't even try to hide the shiver. "Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence. Goddamn tin can," he growled.

April shook her head. "If you hate space so much, why the hell did you join Starfleet?"

McCoy scowled. "Didn't have anywhere else to go. My ex-wife basically claimed the entire state of Georgia in the divorce, and I had nothing else to do." April raised an eyebrow, and McCoy shrugged. "So what's your excuse?"

April sighed. "Technically I haven't joined yet, but I'm hopeful. After I finished my Residency, I was offered a position as a civilian contractor on a starbase. Starfleet hired me, but I wouldn't have to officially enlist. I thought it would be a good way to get some experience and also build a resume for when I applied to the Academy." She shrugged sheepishly. "I wanted to get some practice in before I joined. I thought I'd be of more use if I actually knew what I was doing."

McCoy smiled. "Good thinking."

April nodded. "Anyway, that position ended up rolling over a couple months longer than expected. It was supposed to end right around the same time Nero attacked last year, and I couldn't get a transport back to Earth until several months after the fact."

McCoy winced at the reminder of that whole clusterfuck.

April observed him carefully, knowing that he had been a part of the group that had stopped the _Narada_. "Sorry," she apologized. "I know it must have been tough, dealing with all that."

McCoy shrugged. "I won't say it was nothing, because I definitely spent the entire mission thinking we were all going to die." April snorted, and McCoy smiled slightly. "Now, I'm just focusing on the positives. I've got good friends, my daughter, and I'm doing what I love. Yeah, I wish I could do it on solid ground, but hey, nothing's perfect."

April nodded, smiling. "I guess that's right. And if you love the job, it doesn't really matter where you are."

McCoy inclined his head in agreement. "Yeah. So, how'd you get into medicine, anyway? Your records are pretty impressive."

April raised an eyebrow. "You looked me up?"

McCoy looked sheepish. "I like to know who I'm working with."

April shook her head, amused. "Thanks, I think." McCoy just looked at her expectantly, and April sighed. "I've always been interested in medicine, ever since I was a kid. It was just something I knew I wanted to do."

McCoy nodded slowly. "I can understand that. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease when I was a kid. I decided to become a doctor because I wanted to fix him. I guess it just stuck with me through the years."

April could see the pain in Leonard's eyes as he thought about his father. "I'm sorry." She bit her lip. "Did you ever find a cure?"

McCoy shook his head. "Unfortunately not. My mother and I made a decision to take him off life support a few months before I enlisted. He was in so much pain, we just couldn't condone making him go on like that."

April sighed. "I'm sorry. I know how horrible it is, to lose a loved one."

McCoy looked at her shrewdly, but didn't press, seeing how April appeared to have regretted saying that. He wondered at her secrecy, but didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Instead, he carried his mug to the sink, and washed it out. "It's nearly time for class, we should get going," he said instead.

April stood up quickly, relieved that he hadn't pushed for more information, and followed him out of the lounge.

**XXX**

It was nearly one o'clock by the time April and McCoy managed to leave in order to take their lunch break, and by mutual agreement, they decided to head to the cafeteria together.

They were in the process of discussing their surprise that they had made it through an entire morning without having to yell at a single Cadet, when McCoy noticed his Captain and best friend making his way down a nearby path. "Jim!" he called out, raising a hand in greeting.

Jim looked up from the PADD he had been focused on, and nodded a greeting, accompanied by an easy smile. He faltered slightly when he noticed McCoy's companion, shock temporarily overwriting any other emotion on his face, before he schooled his expression back into something similar to neutrality.

He didn't think he could get away with ignoring Bones, not when the man was clearly inviting him to join him and his colleague. With a silent sigh, he turned his PADD off and hesitantly made his way over to the two doctors.

"Bones," he greeted.

McCoy frowned momentarily, seeing the strain that Jim was trying very hard to hide. He looked over to April, meaning to introduce her, but he was stunned into silence when April just blew passed him and launched herself at his best friend.

Jim only hesitated for a moment before he was hugging her back.

April was nearly sobbing as she clutched him tightly. "JT! Oh my god, I can't believe you're here! I missed you so much!"

Jim rubbed her back soothingly. "I missed you, too," he replied quietly.

April pushed herself away and slapped him lightly on the arm. "I can't believe you didn't tell me! I had to see your picture on the news with everyone else. Why didn't you tell me?"

Jim shrugged sheepishly. "It never came up?"

April slapped him again, glaring.

Jim shook his head slightly. "Sorry?" he attempted.

McCoy felt completely out of the loop. "Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on, and how you two know each other?"

Jim bit his lip, glancing at the doctor. "We met when we were teenagers."

April rolled her eyes. "So eloquent, JT."

Jim tried to hide his flinch. "Bones, can you give us a minute?"

McCoy looked between the two, feeling more confused by the second. As long as he had known Jim – which had really only been about four years, if he was honest with himself – he had never heard anyone call him 'JT'. What the hell?

Though he definitely didn't want to leave, the doctor nodded slowly. "Do you want me to grab you something to eat, April?" he asked, looking at the young woman.

April smiled. "Thanks. A sandwich would be great. I'll see you in a few minutes, all right?"

McCoy nodded again, and left the two alone.

Jim waited a few moments, before he led April off the path to a nearby bench. "So, I guess I never officially introduced myself, did I." April smiled softly, and Jim smirked. "Jim Kirk. Nice to meet you."

April took the hand he offered, and shook it firmly. "Nice to meet you, Captain Kirk."

Jim shook his head. "Seriously? Please don't get all official on me. Besides, you're not technically in Starfleet, so you're not required to be formal."

April chuckled. "Not yet." Jim raised an eyebrow, and April shrugged. "I've been taking a few classes here and there, with the goal of enlisting eventually. When I finally get my shit in order."

Jim laughed lightly. "Well, I know that Starfleet will love to have you. They clearly are trying to entice you already, otherwise they wouldn't have offered you a teaching role in the first place."

April frowned. "Did you know that I was here before now?"

Jim looked down, grimacing. "I may have heard something."

April shook her head. "You're still keeping an eye on all of us, aren't you."

It wasn't a question, so Jim didn't reply.

After another moment, April sighed. "I should get something to eat before I have to get back to class. I'll see you later, maybe?"

Jim nodded quickly, and the two stood up. "Dinner tomorrow night?"

"Sounds great," April smiled. "Comm. me later, and we'll set it up."

Jim inclined his head. "I'll see you then."

April gave him one last hug before she headed towards the cafeteria, and Jim quickly made his way towards the Cochrane building; he had to get to a meeting with Komack that he was only mostly dreading. If he ran, he could still make it on time.

**XXX**

Pavel shifted nervously as he hurried to keep up with Jim's long strides. "Are you sure I should be coming?" he asked for the third time.

Jim glanced over and smiled. "Of course," he assured the teenager. "I want you to meet April. She was your sister's best friend."

Pavel nodded soberly. When Jim had explained whom he was meeting for dinner, and invited Pavel along, the Navigations officer had been very nervous, but a little excited. He wanted to know as much about his sister as possible, and this was another person who had known her. Jim had shared a lot of stories over the years, but Pavel looked forward to another perspective.

The restaurant Jim had chosen was off campus, to give them a little privacy; he and Pavel were several minutes early, so they were the first ones there.

Pavel frowned in confusion as they sat down at the table the waiter led them to. "Why did you say there were four of us? I thought we were only meeting Doctor Vanderbilt."

Jim's gaze was focused on the door, waiting for their companions to join them. "I also invited another friend. His name's Kevin, he's about your age. I think you'll like him."

Pavel bit his lip. "Was he also there?"

Jim tore his gaze away from the door for a moment to look at the younger man. "Yeah," he smiled. "He's a Cadet now. I thought he'd want to come tonight."

He was distracted by the restaurant door opening, as April walked in. Jim raised a hand to get her attention, and smiling, April quickly headed towards him.

When she reached the table, Jim and Pavel stood up. April gave Jim a quick kiss on the cheek before she turned questioningly to the teenager.

"April, this is Pavel Chekov, my senior Navigations officer."

April swallowed harshly, studying the younger man's face, noting the similarities to the best friend she had lost over a decade earlier. "Anya," she whispered, tears building up as she tried vainly to hold them in.

Jim nodded soberly. "He's Anya's brother. Pavel, this is April."

Pavel waited for April to make a move, which she did a moment later. Clearing her throat, April stepped forward jerkily. "I'm sorry, I know I must be freaking you out. It's just…" she bit her lip. "Do you mind if I hug you?"

Pavel glanced at Jim briefly, before he nodded. April moved closer, and wrapped her arms around his thin frame. After a moment of awkwardness, Pavel moved his arms as well, and wrapped them hesitantly around the older woman's waist.

They pulled apart a few moments later, and April sniffed. "Sorry. I know this must be really weird for you. You just look a lot like your sister. She was amazing."

Pavel nodded, as the three of them sat down. April chuckled. "She wanted to join Starfleet as well, you know."

Pavel nodded again. "Jim told me."

April felt some of the sadness fall away, just watching Anya's brother. She doubted he realized how much like her he was, not that she really wanted to compare the two. But she couldn't help it; the way Pavel bit his lip was just like whenever Anya had felt nervous. When he nodded his head, his blond curls bounced the same way Anya's had whenever she was so excited about something.

She was about to speak, when they were interrupted by a young man wearing Cadet reds.

Jim greeted the stranger warmly, before turning to introduce him to everyone. "April, I'm sure you remember Kevin?"

April gasped, one hand flying to her mouth. "Kev?" she whispered, disbelievingly.

Kevin nodded sheepishly. "JT invited me to dinner tonight. I'm sorry I'm still in uniform, my last class only just got out, and I had to run to get here on time."

Jim shrugged. "It's fine. Kevin, this is Pavel Chekov, one of my best friends and senior Navigations officer on the _Enterprise_. Pavel is Anya's younger brother."

Kevin's eyes widened slightly, as he remembered the teenager who had always tried to make things seem not so bad, when the world was crumbling down around them.

Jim smiled softly. "Pavel, Kevin is specializing in Navigations. He's graduating with the current class."

Pavel beamed. "Da? It is the best specialization, right?"

Jim snorted. "Agree to disagree. Anyway, let's eat. I'm starving."

They all agreed, and sat down, pulling menus towards them.

The evening passed amicably, as Kevin and April got reacquainted, and Kevin and Pavel immediately hit it off, bonding over their shared field and similar experiences, being near the same age and thus much younger than the rest of their class.

When they headed back to the Academy at the end of the night, they all promised to keep in touch, before they separated to their respective housing units.

**XXX**

McCoy looked up at the hesitant knock, and, confused, he headed towards the door to his apartment to see who was calling so early. He had only just been about to wake up Joanna, and he didn't have to be at the medical building for another hour and a half.

Seeing Jim standing on the other side of the door wasn't quite as surprising as the expression the Captain was wearing. Though he tried to hide it, McCoy could see a hint of fear and trepidation behind his bright blue gaze.

Even though something was definitely wrong, Jim attempted a smile. "Hey, Bones. Can I come in?"

McCoy nodded quickly, and stepped back to let his friend enter.

Jim immediately made his way to the couch and collapsed with a weary sigh.

Frowning, McCoy followed him, taking a seat next to the younger man. "What's going on, Jim? You look like shit."

Jim groaned, leaning back into the sofa, offhandedly admiring how comfortable it was. "I had a meeting with Komack the other day."

McCoy growled. "You want me to hold him down for you?" He was only partly joking.

"Sure," Jim replied seriously, rubbing a hand across his face.

McCoy was immediately on guard. Despite his reputation as a Captain who frequently questioned authority, Jim was usually very careful to appear calm and courteous about his superiors. He rarely even joked about things like this.

"What did he want?" the doctor asked.

Jim let out another sigh and sat up slightly. When he looked at McCoy, his expression was world-weary, only further worrying the older man. "The design team is working to improve the newest model of warp core, with the goal of implementation within the next few years. Komack wants me to go out there and consult on it, since they're still using my original concept as the base for the new core. They want me to work with them on the new design."

McCoy frowned. "So how is that bad?"

Jim bit his lip as his gaze slid away, focusing on the far wall. "The team is set up in Riverside."

McCoy blinked slowly, trying to place the name. After a few moments, he remembered the town he had ended up at before he had gotten on that shuttle to San Francisco, four years ago; Jim had only mentioned his hometown a couple of times over the years, and never anything too deep. All McCoy knew for a fact was that Jim had grown up in a small town in Iowa – Riverside – and he had left when he was fourteen. Jim had told him that his mother hadn't been around, and he and his stepfather hadn't gotten along. Jim had called him a bastard, the one and only time he had mentioned the man. McCoy strongly suspected abuse, but he refused to push, knowing that if Jim wanted him to know, he would tell him.

Jim glanced over at his friend, and smiled slightly. It was nice to have someone like that in his life; someone who was probably bursting with questions, but wouldn't ask, because he didn't want _Jim_ to be upset. Someone who actually cared about his feelings, above their own. It may have taken him a couple of decades, but he had finally found a family.

McCoy sighed. "How long will you be there?"

Jim shrugged, making an effort to reel in his turbulent emotions. "A week or so." He let out a mirthless chuckle. "I don't know why I'm making such a big deal out of this. It's not like I've got anything to worry about, going back there. Frank died years ago, and Winona's still out in the black. There's nothing waiting for me around every corner if I go back."

McCoy reached out and rested a hand on Jim's arm. "You've got every reason to hate this," he assured the younger man. When Jim raised an eyebrow, McCoy shook his head. "Memories can be just as debilitating as a kick to the head."

Jim snorted. "Eloquent."

McCoy would have found some humor in the situation if he hadn't known that there was a good chance Jim was comparing the similarities to both situations. "You want some company?"

Jim bit his lip. He wanted more than anything to say yes, but he knew that if he did, McCoy would drop everything and come with him. And that would only get him on Komack's shit list, for skipping out on an entire week's worth of classes that he had to teach.

So he put on his best reassuring smile, and shook his head. "You've got obligations here," he said. "I'll be all right."

McCoy nodded, not buying it for a second. "You comm. me any time, and just say the word, I'll be on the next shuttle."

This time, the smile was genuine. "Thanks Bones." Jim stood up. "I need to talk to Chris, but I'll catch up with you later. I leave tomorrow, so we'll do dinner tonight."

McCoy nodded, standing as well. "You, me, and Jo?" He hoped he didn't sound as excited as he thought he did. Though he enjoyed the company of the other members of Jim's command crew – as much as he tried to deny it – he always preferred it when it was just him and Jim, alone. He felt like Jim was more easily able to relax with just the two of them, and he liked seeing Jim relaxed almost as much as he hated it, because it was in those moments when he truly saw just how much weight his best friend carried around all the time.

Jim smiled. "Sounds great. We'll take her out in the city somewhere, all right? My treat."

McCoy snorted. "As long as you show me your wallet before we leave. Cretin. How many times have I heard that, only to have you realize that you 'forgot' your wallet once we get to the bar?"

Jim smirked, but it was just a shadow of his usual banter. "I promise, Bones. I'll pay."

McCoy nodded doubtfully. "You get going. I've got to wake Jo, or I'll never get to class on time." He huffed, crossing his arms. "Never again, I swear. I'm not a teacher. These idiots are going to kill someone, and I don't have the patience to hold their hand while they do it."

Jim sighed, reaching out and lightly touching McCoy's shoulder for comfort. "I'm sorry, Bones. I know this isn't what you wanted for your shore leave. I wish I could change it."

McCoy shook his head quickly, completely serious now. "It's not your fault, Jim. I know Komack didn't give us a choice. You do enough for all of us, and I know you burden all of the blame whenever that asshole decides to dole it out. Don't make anything worse for yourself, all right?"

Jim sighed, but nodded dutifully. "I won't. Why do you think I agreed to take this consulting gig with no fuss?"

McCoy nodded, and watched as Jim gave him a last farewell before he left the older man's apartment.

The close of the door sounded very final and very worrying to the doctor. "Shit," he muttered, before making his way towards his daughter's room.

**XXX**

Chris was understandably upset when Jim told him about Komack's latest demand, and was more than willing to go share his anger with the Admiral, but Jim pleaded with him not to. He didn't want someone else to fight his battles, and he didn't want to make things worse.

Even though he understood, that didn't mean Chris had to like it, but he made Jim promise to keep in touch regularly, and comm. him if he needed anything.

Jim agreed, and left the Admiral's office. Chris just buried his head in his hands and wished he could take away all the suffering that kid had been subjected to.

It was a few minutes later that Jon and Richard entered, taking seats immediately as they observed their younger colleague.

After a moment of silence, Chris looked up, his eyes weary. "That asshole is going to do permanent damage one of these days, if we don't stop him."

Jon shrugged helplessly. "We're working on it, Chris, you know that."

Richard sighed. "The biggest problem we have right now is that Marcus seems to be backing Komack as well."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "I thought he was pretty neutral?"

"Officially? Yes. But you know how much goes on behind the scenes." Archer rolled his eyes. "Marcus is very careful to make it look like he's not taking any sides, but I've got contacts. Marcus and Komack have been seen together unofficially several times. I think Komack might be planning something."

"Section 31?" Chris was surprised. Not many knew that Marcus was the Admiral in charge of the shadier branch of Starfleet, but if Jon thought that Komack was using subtlety and being subversive, then it had to be related to Intelligence and Section 31.

Jon bit his lip and glanced at the door behind them. Understanding, Chris immediately set the privacy alarms, so that no one could interrupt them.

Turning back, Jon met Chris' alarmed gaze with his own worried one. "We've got no proof, Chris, you have to understand that."

Chris shook his head. "Just tell me what you know."

Richard rested a hand on Jon's arm, cautioning him. When he spoke, his voice carried a heavy weight that told both Admirals how concerned he was. "The communications go both ways. Marcus and Komack have been in contact with each other an increasing amount over the last year. Before Nero, they spoke, but it was usually more formal, and they didn't interact much outside of the job."

"So something changed after Nero," Chris mused, rubbing a hand across his face.

Jon nodded. "Within the last year, their interactions have increased tenfold. What strikes me as odd is that from what we've determined, it was Marcus who initiated the increase in communication."

Chris frowned. Marcus was higher than Komack, in terms of official duties. It would make more sense for someone lower down – Komack – to be reaching out to his superior for something, rather than the other way around. "So what does Marcus want?" He looked between Jon and Richard. "I'm assuming he wants something, and for him to go to Komack, it has to be something Komack has."

Richard shrugged. "Your guess is as good as ours. But we're assuming it's something relating to Section 31."

"Something had to start this," Chris thought out loud, trying to imagine any likely scenario that would lead to this.

"But what?" Jon asked reasonably. When no answer was forthcoming, he shook his head. "We'll keep digging, but in the meantime, Jim and the _Enterprise_ need to play ball. I don't want them getting hurt over this, and something tells me Komack has a plan for them. I'm just as certain that I won't like it."

Chris nodded. "I'm positive that Jim has his own suspicions. He won't say anything, but I'm betting that's because he doesn't want to risk anyone catching wind of it. It would be easy enough for Komack, or Marcus, to plant some sort of evidence to get us discredited or brought up on charges, if he felt like we were jeopardizing his plans."

"Damn it, you're probably right," Jon growled. He really hated this, but saw no other option. He wouldn't let Komack or Marcus get away with doing something illegal, if that's what they were planning, and he was pretty sure they were. Whatever they were talking about, it was most likely something that went against Starfleet's ideals, or it was going to end up hurting a lot of people. Possibly both.

Chris sighed. "Keep me informed. I need to go take care of something."

He stood up with a barely noticeable wince, reminding Jon and Richard of the injuries he had suffered on the _Narada_ a year ago. Thanks to Doctor McCoy's skills and the wonders of modern medicine, he was able to walk again, but he still got stiff when he was sitting for a long time, and when it rained, he had to use a cane.

Jon raised an eyebrow as Chris took down the privacy alarms. "Does that something include catching up with a cantankerous doctor and making sure he's watching over his best friend?"

Chris smiled slightly and nodded. "I'm sure Jim's already told him, but I just want to make sure he understands the situation."

Richard smiled as well. "Go on then. We'll talk later. Tell Doctor McCoy that if he has no plans this weekend, a shuttle can be made available."

Chris smirked, understanding what the Admiral was saying. A shuttle would be ready for the _Enterprise_ command crew at their leisure, if and when they decided to head out to Iowa to check on their Captain and friend. It would have the bonus of them not having to go through the commercial depot, and Chris was positive that they would take him up on the offer. Jim's command crew was smart, and he knew that they would know something was wrong, even if they didn't know what it was.

With a nod of agreement, Chris left his office, and headed towards the medical building.

McCoy, of course, knew exactly what was going on, and thanked the Admiral for the shuttle, promising to take him up on that, if he could find a sitter for his daughter. Since that seemed to be the only thing holding the doctor up, Chris offered to watch her for the weekend.

McCoy was a little hesitant, but promised to consider it. He did, however, want to see how Chris interacted with Joanna first. He wouldn't leave her alone with the man, no matter how much he trusted him, without knowing if Joanna was comfortable.

Chris agreed, and suggested dinner sometime in the next couple of days.

McCoy nodded his approval, before he gave the Admiral a curt dismissal, having to get back to 'coddling infants', as he called it.

Chris was a smart man. He beat a hasty retreat before the hypos started coming out. Jim had taught him well.


	4. Chapter 4

There were only a few things that Jim actively hated in this universe.

Kodos. Tarsus. Nero. Frank. And Riverside.

Frank and Nero were both dead, and he had no reason to ever go back to Tarsus. Kodos had been declared dead by Starfleet years ago – the truth was all relative, after all, but Jim didn't really have the energy or the inclination to dispute their claims. It wouldn't do to start making waves over something that he, for all intents and purposes, shouldn't have any knowledge of or reason to demand the truth.

Which left Riverside. Logically, he knew that fearing a town was stupid, especially when there was really nothing to fear from going back there. Anyone he may have wanted to avoid was gone.

But damn it, he hated the place. Riverside held so many horrible memories for him. Memories of his mother being unable and unwilling to look at him, of his stepfather pushing him around, beating him up. Frank's buddies who liked to watch, and more often than not, join in. Sam leaving.

So yeah, Jim had a lot of reasons to not want to set foot in that small town ever again. And he wouldn't have, if it hadn't been for Komack.

Jim really wished Jon and Richard would hurry it up and get Chris to take over as the Admiral in charge of the _Enterprise._ It would just make things much easier. Jim already told Chris pretty much everything anyway; the only difference would be that, being in charge, Chris would be able to sign off and the reports wouldn't have to go any higher up the ladder. Win-win, right?

Except for the fact that Komack had his heels dug down and he was desperate to keep the control he had. Admiral in charge of the flagship had a nice little ring to it. Not to mention the extras – clearance level was higher, it gave you more freedom, and a more exalted position, if you really wanted to use it.

And Komack definitely did. Jim didn't talk to Jon and Richard much about their quiet battle for control, but he knew that Komack was neck deep in something, and Jim doubted he'd like whatever it was.

Having control of the flagship must be getting Komack something, or he wouldn't be fighting so hard against giving it up.

But none of those thoughts were helping Jim now, as he surveyed the shipyard in Riverside. He kept telling himself he was here to do a job, and he would have no need to go into town, or any cause to potentially see someone he would rather avoid.

He worked at the shipyard, he ate at the shipyard, he slept at the shipyard.

There was simply no reason for him to leave. Sure, if he had wanted some variety in his culinary choices, he could have ventured outside the safety of the shipyard, but he didn't think the benefits outweighed the risks. So he stayed. It wasn't like there was that much variety in town, anyway.

Three days, and he still hadn't left. He would have gone longer, if it weren't for the shuttle that showed up late on Friday afternoon.

Jim had been finishing up a discussion with the head of the design team, Lieutenant Commander Nash, and the head of the Riverside Shipyard, Commander Peterson, when the last shuttle of the day arrived.

Lieutenant Hollins interrupted the three men as they were making plans to meet up again the next day, and politely informed Jim that he had visitors.

Confused, the Captain followed the Lieutenant outside, and then stopped in his tracks, startled, to see his command crew – minus his Security Chief, whom he liked well enough, but wasn't exactly friends with – standing in front of him, all wearing smug expressions.

Jim shook his head as he started walking again, coming to a stop as he reached the small group clustered near the shuttle they had just disembarked from. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked, looking to Bones for an answer.

Leonard shrugged agreeably. "We thought we'd come out for the weekend. Surely you can take some time off, right?"

Jim looked at each of them, taking in their eager and excited expressions, though if he looked beyond that, he could also detect a hint of concern. He knew that Bones was aware of how hard it was being back in Riverside, and if Uhura remembered their conversation from the bar right before he had joined up, she would also remember that he had told her he was from here. Spock might also be aware of his hometown, if he had read through Jim's file completely, something Jim had no doubt of.

But the only one who would really know what it meant was Bones, which indicated that the concern the rest were feeling had more to do with current events, rather than fear for what the past might do to him.

After a minute, Jim sighed in defeat. "Fine," he acquiesced. "Just give me a minute."

Without waiting for a reply, he turned around and headed back inside. Peterson and Nash were still inside, and Jim confirmed that they would see each other the next morning, before he returned to his friends. Plastering on a smile that he hoped looked genuine, he said, "So, what did you have in mind?"

Uhura grinned. "Well, if memory serves, there's a decent bar not too far away. Remember?"

Jim sighed, while the rest looked on in confusion.

Sulu smiled. "I could do with a drink."

"Aye, that sounds pretty good to me," Scotty chimed in.

McCoy watched Jim closely, and could see the hesitation hidden in the younger man's eyes. He wished Jim would just speak out and say something, but he knew that would never happen.

So he wasn't surprised when Jim nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

As a group, they all headed towards the security lot, where Jim pointed them to one of the vehicles, pulling out a set of keys he had gotten from Peterson. "It's ours for the night," he informed them.

They all piled in, and Jim took the wheel, heading out of the shipyard and down the familiar road towards the bar that made up a good portion of the entire town center. Though he hadn't been here in years, he hadn't forgotten. Everything was pretty much exactly as it had been when he had left. The small corner market was still located across the street from the bar, right next to the one and only café in town.

The tiny repair shop was just down the street, across from the school.

Beyond that, the road let out of town; if Jim kept going, he would reach his old home.

He shook his head to clear the thoughts as he pulled into the parking lot at the bar, and followed his friends inside.

There were a decent amount of people there, considering it was a Friday night, though there was still enough room for Jim and the others to wind their way through the crowd to a table near the back.

Jim took drink orders, and then quickly slipped through the crowd towards the bar.

Leonard watched him go, concerned. Over the last few years, ever since meeting his best friend, he had gotten much better at reading people – he had to, if he wanted to keep up with Jim. Being able to tell when Jim was a little upset, or actually angry, had saved him many a broken table. It also came in handy when he needed to know if the idiot was just bruised, or if something was actually broken. Jim Kirk had the weirdest response to pain – in simple terms, it was almost like he just didn't feel it.

The worst part was, McCoy thought he knew why.

It was because he knew the wayward Captain so well that he could see how much this outing, and the whole trip to Riverside, was affecting him. McCoy really hoped they could get through this without something happening. Knowing their track record though, he doubted it.

None of the others seemed to be too worried about their Captain, beyond hoping he wouldn't forget any of their orders.

Pavel, of course, reminded them of the older man's eidetic memory, while Sulu smirked. "I think there's more of a chance that he'll just switch a few things up on purpose. Spock, you might end up with a chocolate martini, rather than water."

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow as he observed the pilot. "The Captain is aware of my predilection for a nonalcoholic beverage; I do not believe he will disregard my preference this evening."

Scotty snorted. "I think Sulu's just hoping you'll be itchin' to get as drunk as the rest of us."

Spock turned his gaze to the engineer. "Alcohol does not affect Vulcans the way it does humans, Mr. Scott. It would be impossible for me to 'get drunk', as you say."

"That's why it'd be a chocolate martini," Uhura pitched in, smiling at her boyfriend. "Come on Spock, just one?"

Spock felt himself wavering, and knew that his girlfriend could get him to agree to just about anything, if she really pressed.

Finally, he inclined his head, just once. "I will consider it."

Uhura grinned, and the others chuckled, before Scotty began regaling them with news of the _Enterprise_ 's upgrades.

At the bar, Jim perched near one end, waiting until the bartender noticed him. He was pretty busy at the other end of the bar for the moment, so Jim was content to wait his turn.

It took a few minutes, but eventually the man turned in his direction, stopped, did a double take, and then quickly made his way down the bar with a large grin on his face.

"Jim!" he held out one hand, and Jim shook it, smiling softly.

"Hey, Jerry," he replied. "How's it going?"

Jerry shrugged, reaching under the bar to grab a glass, his other hand going for a bottle of beer; he knew what Jim liked. Even if it had been years since the last time he had seen the kid, he still remembered. "Same old, same old. But what are you doing back here? It's been, what, four years? Five?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah. You know how it goes, life's been busy."

Jerry smirked. "I can imagine. You've got that shiny starship to keep you occupied. It was pretty awesome for us to see you all over the news after that mess last year."

Jim rolled his eyes, successfully conveying his disbelief. Most of this town thought he was a screw-up. They'd never believe him capable of doing anything right, no matter how much he tried to prove them wrong.

Knowing what he was thinking, Jerry sighed. "Hey, not all of us bought into your stepfather's bile. You've still got people here who care about you." Jim shifted uncomfortably, and Jerry smiled. "Your dad's family has lived here a long time, and a lot of people remember that."

Jim shrugged. "Yeah. Anyway, I'm here with some friends, so I've got a list."

Jerry nodded, and began preparing the drinks that Jim requested.

The Captain leaned against the bar as he waited for the drinks. Jerry placed them all on a tray, hesitating briefly before he pushed it towards the younger man. He opened his mouth to speak, when they were interrupted.

McCoy pushed himself in between Jim and the couple making out on the other side of him. "Thought you might want some help carrying that," he said unceremoniously.

Jim glanced over at the doctor and snorted. "You mean Scotty was getting impatient and you decided to diffuse the situation by coming over to see what was taking so long."

McCoy shrugged, and Jim chuckled.

Jerry pushed the tray forward. "It was good to see you again, Jim. I'm glad you're doing well." Jim smiled, and took out a credit chip, but Jerry shook his head. "This round's on the house."

Jim raised an eyebrow, but put the chip away. "Thanks."

McCoy took the tray, and the two headed back to their table, passing out the drinks.

For a while, things seemed to be going well. The group of friends relaxed, and spent the time talking about their more unusual adventures, and speculating on what would come when they left Earth once more. They commiserated on their ventures into teaching, bemoaning the fact that most of the Cadets looked at them as near-gods; yes, they were the command crew of Starfleet's flagship, and yes, they had saved Earth and the Federation by stopping Nero, but did all these kids have to look at them like starstruck teenagers?

It was several rounds later, and Jim was thinking he might actually be able to get through this evening, when the universe just had to prove once more that it had it out for him.

Jim was mid-laugh over a joke that Scotty was telling the group – something about two engineers, some moonshine, and a Jeffries tube. It probably wouldn't have been nearly as funny if they weren't all on their fourth round. Even Spock had given into his girlfriend's pleading and ordered a chocolate martini.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't little Jimmy Kirk." The nasally voice came from a hulking figure looming behind Sulu. His beady eyes were fixed on Jim, who stiffened as soon as the man began to speak.

The others glanced at the stranger, confused, while Jim worked quickly to get himself under control. When he was sure he had himself in check, he took a breath. "Mills."

The man – Mills – just leered disturbingly, and Jim had to force himself not to lean back.

McCoy immediately turned his attention to his friend. He didn't know who this man was, but clearly he wasn't someone Jim liked. He reached over and rested a hand lightly on Jim's lower arm, making sure to keep the motion out of sight underneath the table, so no one else could see. Jim didn't make any sign, but McCoy knew he appreciated it. That was the strength of their relationship: they didn't have to actually speak to show that they cared, or to understand each other.

Mills looked around at the group, threw a suggestive wink in Uhura's direction, and then turned back to Jim. "I didn't think we'd ever see you again, Jimmy. I hear you're a big war hero now."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "What do you want, Mills?"

Mills smirked. "But then, all those Starfleet idiots never saw you when you were just a pitiful sniveling weakling. You didn't look like much of a hero then, did you?" Jim's jaw clenched, but he didn't speak. Mills' smirk widened. "It's hard to look heroic when you're cowering in a corner, isn't that right, Jimmy? You used to _beg_ , didn't you."

Jim abruptly stood up and walked away, trying to ignore the sound of Mills' laugh ringing in his ears as he quickly weaved through the crowd to the door.

Mills chuckled sadistically. "Never will amount to anything, that boy." He glanced back at Uhura. "How many times did you have to screw him before he gave you your job?"

Uhura reared back in her seat, not expecting such a crude presumption. Spock was out of his seat and giving the man a nerve pinch before the others could even register the movement.

McCoy blinked quickly, and then glanced at the now silent bar. Unfortunately, Jim was already gone. "Shit," he muttered.

Scotty and Sulu were already dragging the unconscious stranger towards the back door. McCoy turned to the bartender, who was staring at Mills with a look of pure contempt. "We going to run into any issues here?"

Jerry shook his head quickly, while the other patrons slowly turned back to their drinks. "Not from anyone here. Mills has been nothing but trouble since he moved to town twenty years ago. You want to kill him, it'll be no great loss to society."

McCoy nodded, pursing his lips. He didn't think they would go that far, but it was a tempting option. Rather than respond, he followed Chekov, Uhura, and Spock outside, where they met up with Scotty and Sulu.

They were smirking, self-satisfied expressions adorning their faces. "We left him in the dumpster out back," Sulu informed them.

"Good," McCoy snarled, his eyes snapping with anger.

Uhura looked at the doctor worriedly. "Leonard? Who was that man?"

McCoy shrugged. "I don't know. But he clearly knew Jim."

"Yeah, how does that work?" Sulu asked, confused. "What are the odds of someone knowing Jim just happening to choose the same bar in some random town in the Midwest?"

The door opened once more, cutting off their conversation. McCoy nodded a stoic greeting as the bartender joined them. He wasn't sure how this man knew Jim, but it seemed to be a cordial relationship, or at least, a better one than that man, Mills.

"Sorry, I only have a minute. If you're going to try and find Jim, maybe try the Kirk farmhouse, just outside of town. Follow the main road, you can't miss it. If not there, try the overlook."

Jerry gave them a quick nod, and turned to head back inside. It was Friday night after all, and the bar was quite busy.

Sulu frowned. "What did he mean, the Kirk farmhouse?"

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Jim grew up here."

"Wait, seriously?" the pilot was surprised, and judging by the expressions on Chekov's and Scotty's faces, they were as well.

Uhura looked more contemplative, as she remembered the conversation she had had with Jim in this very bar, the night she had met him. He had mentioned something about a family situation, and that thankfully he didn't live around here anymore. She hadn't read too much into it at the time, but now she was recalling that moment, and wondering just how much she had missed by not really paying attention.

McCoy grimaced and nodded in answer to Sulu's surprise. "He left when he was fourteen. I think he's only been back once or twice since then. Riverside, it… doesn't have the best memories."

Spock frowned minutely. "It would appear that the Captain has chosen to walk, as our transport is still parked where we left it."

McCoy sighed. "Let's see if we can find the idiot before he hurts himself."

**XXX**

Just like the bartender had said, the Kirk farmhouse was impossible to miss.

Or rather, there was _a_ farmhouse sitting on the road leading outside of town; it was the only building they could see, but the only reason they knew it was the right place was because of the decrepit mailbox out front. It said 'Kirk' in peeling gold letters on one side, which was how they knew they had found the right place. It gave off an antiquated feel, considering mailboxes hadn't really been used in over a hundred years, not since PADDs and electronic technology had taken off. The fact that this house still had a mailbox indicated it had been standing for at least a hundred, and more likely a hundred and fifty years, minimum.

Unfortunately, it didn't look like anybody had been there in years.

Still, though, McCoy guided the transport through the gate and down the driveway.

When he turned off the transport, the silence became oppressing as they sat there in the dark for a few moments.

Finally, Sulu cleared his throat. "Should we go in?"

They all piled out of the transport, and hesitantly made their way to the door.

Pavel pushed it open gently, and the loud creak of a door that hadn't been maintained in years filled the air.

"Am I the only one who feels guilty?" Sulu asked, as they all looked around the dust-covered living room.

Scotty and Pavel shook their heads slowly, while McCoy just scowled, Spock looked the same as always, and Uhura's feelings were evident on her face.

"It would appear that this residence has been empty for some time," Spock observed neutrally.

McCoy glanced at the Vulcan, and nodded. "No one's lived here in about four years. Not since his stepfather died."

They all looked at the doctor, but McCoy just shrugged.

Scotty cleared his throat. "Maybe we should take a look around, just in case? We might find something to hint at where Jim went?"

McCoy wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but he didn't say anything, as Sulu and Uhura took the stairs up to the second floor, Spock and Chekov a few steps behind, likely heading to the attic.

The doctor just looked around the living room, while Scotty went to poke around the kitchen.

He supposed the place might have been nice, once upon a time. Now, it just looked like a dump. There was at least two inches of dust on every surface, and several empty beer bottles strewn about the floor.

It gave off the sad vibe of a former occupant who hadn't cared about upkeep.

Still, as McCoy looked around, he couldn't help but see the scratches on the wall, and nicks on the coffee table. There was broken glass in several corners, and broken furniture along the far wall. He couldn't help but wonder if those scratches were from Frank knocking Jim around. If the broken glass was from Frank throwing bottles at Jim's head. If the furniture had broken when Frank threw Jim into it. Logically, he knew that Jim had left this place more than ten years ago, so the broken glass probably wasn't aimed at him, and the furniture may have been broken more recently, but his mind just kept imagining worst-case scenarios.

He had never questioned Jim after their conversation a year ago, not wanting to pry. He and Jim were good friends, but he was under no illusions that if he pressed too hard, he would lose one of the best things to ever happen to him.

**XXX**

Uhura and Sulu stopped on the second floor, while Spock and Pavel continued on up one more level.

Both could feel the oppressive atmosphere around them, and were hesitant to say anything, to shatter the uncertain calm.

They poked their heads in several doors, but it wasn't until Sulu's soft, "Uhura," that the communications expert really stopped to look.

The pilot was standing at the entrance to what the Communications expert presumed to be a bedroom, at the end of the hall. He glanced back at her, and then jerked his head, before walking inside.

Following him, Uhura noted that she was correct.

The room itself was simple: a bed, a desk, a dresser. And the ever-present layer of dust. Sulu turned back to look at his colleague and friend. His eyes were wide. "I think this was Jim's room." He pointed to the desk, where there were a couple photographs still displayed, covered in dust.

Uhura picked one picture up and wiped the dust off. The image underneath showed an older man, with a kid, approximately seven or eight, and a toddler, maybe two or three. They were all standing in front of a slick red, old-fashioned car – the kind with wheels and that probably still ran on gas. With a start, Uhura realized that she knew the older man. She held the photo out to Sulu. "Look at this."

Sulu turned towards the picture, and shared in Uhura's surprise. "That's Admiral Pike."

Uhura nodded. "I didn't realize they had known each other so long."

Sulu shrugged. "Jim's not exactly open about his past, so I guess I'm not all that shocked."

Uhura almost put the photo back, but the kids in it looked so happy, and Pike looked ecstatic, so she took it out of the frame and stuck it in her pocket. She wondered who that other kid was; she recognized Jim's bright blue gaze in the young toddler in Pike's arms, but who was the older boy?

A cursory glance at the other photo on the desk had her adding that to her pocket as well. She recognized Pike again, as well as the same strange boy from the first photo, along with a man and a woman she recognized immediately as George and Winona Kirk. Winona was clearly pregnant, and the family looked so happy, that Nyota just had to take the picture with her.

Realizing how much time they had spent in their search, the two quickly left the room and headed back downstairs.

**XXX**

Pavel and Spock stopped at the top level of the farmhouse; there was only one door on the landing, and opening it showed a cluttered and disused attic.

Pavel poked around a few boxes, but Spock was content to just look. His keen eyes noted several awards piled on an old table, as well as what looked like old photo albums spilling out of a few boxes on the floor.

Pavel went over to the table, and wiped the dust off. He turned back to the Commander, blue eyes wide. "These belonged to George Kirk."

Spock inclined his head. "It would be logical for such commendations to be stored by the late Captain's family." Pavel nodded slowly, and placed the award back down.

"Spock?"

The hesitant call made its way through the open door, and Spock turned towards his the sound of his girlfriend's voice.

"Ensign Chekov, we should endeavor to return to the others."

Pavel nodded, and followed the Commander back down the stairs.

McCoy looked at them wearily as they arrived. "We should just head back to the shipyard," he said softly. "That's the most likely place we'll find Jim."

He knew it was true, too. They wouldn't have found Jim here; the kid had left this home over ten years ago. He would never willingly go back. McCoy may not know much, but he knew that.

Silently, they all piled back into the transport, and left the rundown old house.

McCoy tried to focus on the road leading back to the shipyard, but he couldn't help but feel his attention drift. It was fortunate that Spock was driving, he had to admit.

The Vulcan's expression was as neutral as McCoy had ever seen it – though he didn't make it a habit to study the Commander, he could at least see that the man had softened a little since the start of their mission a year earlier. Spock hadn't been quite at rigid as McCoy suspected he had been before meeting Uhura and Jim.

The doctor frowned as they went around a bend and a broken fence came into view. If he squinted, he thought he could make out a small figure in the distance. Deciding that he should take a leaf out of Jim's book and go with his gut, he cleared his throat. "Spock." The Vulcan turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. McCoy jerked his head towards the dusty service road. "Down there."

Spock frowned minutely. "Do you have a visual on the Captain?"

McCoy shrugged, while the others in the back seat all perked up and looked out the window. "Call it a hunch." The bartender had mentioned an 'overlook', and this seemed like it might fit the description.

Spock's frown didn't disappear, but it was a testament to how much he had connected with his human side under the guidance of Nyota and Jim, that he didn't question it any further, and simply eased the transport through the broken gate, and down the road.

As they pulled closer, McCoy could see an abrupt drop off at the end of the dirt road. With a start, he remembered a shocking story Jim had told him years ago, about how he had driven a car off of a cliff when he had been twelve years old. Morbidly, he wondered if the car was still sitting at the bottom of this ravine. There was what appeared to be a small figure sitting off to one side, just in front of the drop-off.

The doctor's hunch appeared to be correct; as Spock guided the transport closer, it became obvious that the small figure was in fact their wayward Captain. He was leaning back on his elbows, facing the ravine, but as they piled out of the transport, it was pretty obvious to all of them that he wasn't really seeing the view in front of him.

McCoy gestured for the others to stay back, as he cautiously approached his best friend. He tried to make some noise so that Jim wouldn't be startled, but it looked like the Captain was miles away in thought.

It wasn't until McCoy was right next to the younger man that Jim finally acknowledged him. "Hey, Bones." His gaze remained fixed on the drop off just three feet in front of him.

Bones winced at the idea of being just feet away from plummeting to his death, but held his ground. "Jim. You wanna back up just a little?"

Jim snorted softly. "It's not like I haven't gotten closer."

McCoy winced at the reminder. After a moment of silence, Jim sighed and sat up, curling his legs up to his chest. His shoulders slumped minutely, and McCoy immediately took a seat. He jerked his hand in a sort-of wave, and the rest of the command crew arranged themselves on the ground around the two men.

Jim waited for someone to speak, but no one made any move to do so, as the silence stretched on.

It was… nice. Strange, but nice.

The group sat quietly for nearly five minutes before Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't like to come back here," he admitted softly.

He saw them all turn to look at him, though he made no move to take his focus from the drop off.

He bit his lip self-consciously. "If it weren't for the shipyard being located here, I'd happily never come back at all."

Uhura hesitantly took the pictures she had found out of her pocket. "I found these," she said quietly, guiltily.

Jim took the photos, surprised. "You went to my father's house?"

McCoy and Uhura, at least, recognized the meaning of the clarification Jim used – that the farmhouse was his father's. Not his, not his parents' or his mother's or stepfather's.

Sulu shrugged slightly. "The bartender suggested looking for you there. I don't think most of us knew you actually grew up here, so it was kind of a shock."

Jim pursed his lips, his focus still on the pictures in his hands. The one of him, Chris, and Sam was on top. He vaguely remembered this visit; Chris had taken him and Sam out for a day. Winona had been busy planning for her upcoming wedding to Frank, and Chris had offered to babysit. They had taken a picnic, and spent the whole day driving around.

"The farmhouse belonged to my dad's family, going back about ten generations. My grandparents gave it to my parents as a wedding present," the Captain said absentmindedly. He let out a short breath of air, a noise that could almost be termed a chuckle. "Chris used to bring us here. It's an amazing view when it's clear. You can see for miles."

Looking around, the rest of them could see how it would be a great place to visit under the right circumstances. This evening, however, it was cloudy, without much of a view of the stars that they all spent so much time traveling amongst.

"I did not realize that your relationship with Admiral Pike stretched so far," Spock commented idly, just a hint of concern detectible in the stilted words. He of course remembered the conversation he had had with Captain Kirk when he had relinquished command of the _Enterprise_ before they pursued Nero and the _Narada_ , so he was aware that the Captain had known Admiral Pike as a teenager; but he hadn't realized they had been acquainted before Tarsus.

Jim shrugged. "I've told you before that he and my dad were best friends. He used to visit a lot. When I was three, my mother remarried, and told him to stop coming around." He snorted sardonically. "Actually, I think she told him to stay the hell away from her family, but the result was the same."

McCoy frowned. Jim hadn't said much, but the pieces were falling into place even more than before; fragments of the younger man's life, standing out with startling clarity. "How did you reconnect?" he asked curiously.

Jim suddenly looked guarded. Something about McCoy's question seemed to have put his hackles up. "I spent some time off planet when I was a teenager. We ran into each other when I was fourteen, and he offered me a place to stay if I ever needed it. I spent a lot of nights crashing in his guest room."

His tone clearly told them that he wouldn't answer any more questions about that time in his life, so the group descended into silence once more.

It was nearly twenty minutes later when Jim finally shook himself off and stood up, groaning as he worked the kinks out of his back. Following his lead, the others stood as well, and began to make their way back to the transport.

McCoy and Jim brought up the rear; the doctor rested a hand lightly on Jim's arm. He said nothing, simply leveled a questioning gaze at his friend. The lines around Jim's eyes softened, and he nodded slightly.

McCoy's gaze narrowed, and Jim rolled his eyes, one side of his mouth quirking up in a half-smile.

McCoy raised an eyebrow, and Jim shook his head, just once.

The doctor let out a huff, and got in the transport, Jim following silently.

The rest of the group looked a little nonplussed at the strange communication, but didn't comment as they all took their seats, and Spock carefully maneuvered the transport back down the dirt road, and back to the shipyard.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim told his friends that he had to get back to work the next morning, and that they were welcome to hang around, but it really wouldn't be that much fun for them.

After protesting half-heartedly, most of them decided to head back to San Francisco Saturday morning. McCoy tried to get Jim to take a break, but Jim told him that he really had to finish everything by the middle of next week, so he couldn't take a day off.

The doctor didn't like it, but he didn't press, and simply got back on the shuttle with Sulu, Spock, and Nyota. Scotty and Pavel had both decided to stick around a little longer. Scotty relished the chance to work on such a project, and to pick Jim's brain in the process, and Pavel was just as eager. Since they both had some experience in the field, Jim welcomed the assistance.

The next few days passed peacefully, and by the time Tuesday rolled around, Jim was more than ready to get the hell out of Iowa. He didn't think he had gotten a good night's sleep in a week.

Scotty had kept in constant contact with the _Enterprise_ , but he had left Gaila in charge of the upgrades, and he at least mostly trusted her to keep everything on track and moving forward for a couple of days. If there were any big issues, she had promised to let him know.

Tuesday evening, the shuttle was all prepped and ready to go, and Jim spent a few minutes saying his farewells to the design team, as well as Commander Peterson, with promises to keep in touch and continue to help out after the _Enterprise_ shipped out again.

The Commander held out his hand, smiling genially at the young Captain. "It was good to see you again, Jim."

Jim shook the offered hand, smiling tightly. "You too."

Peterson chuckled softly, though his expression was mostly somber. "I remember putting you on that shuttle when you were fourteen. Black eye, hunched frame, you looked terrified." Behind the Captain, Scotty and Pavel exchanged worried glances. Peterson sighed. "I distinctly remember hoping that I would never see you again. You were too good for Riverside, and I didn't want you to ever come back." He shook his head. "I'm glad that I got to see you again, and that you're doing well. You take care of yourself, Jim."

Jim nodded shortly, and led his two crewmates onto the waiting shuttle.

It was obvious that both men wanted to question Jim, but they held their tongues.

It was about halfway through the trip back to San Francisco when Jim finally spoke, his gaze focused on the window and view of the clouds outside, rather than the two men sitting next to and across from him. "Commander Peterson has been stationed in Riverside since before I was born. I used to spend a lot of afternoons hiding there, when I was younger. He and his crew taught me how to strip and build computers, and how to hack. I thought it was the most ironic thing, a Starfleet officer teaching me how to hack computers. But I learned quickly; computers made sense to me, in a way people never did."

He shuddered lightly, and drew himself out of his morbid thoughts and memories. He turned to face his friends, smiling weakly. "It was a good escape, and it's probably the only reason why I ever thought I could be anything other than a screw up." Pavel frowned, and Jim shook his head slightly. "Riverside is one of those quiet old towns where everyone knows everyone, and everyone is probably related in some way. Most people who are born in Riverside, grow up in Riverside, die in Riverside. Can you see me ever being happy with that?"

Both men immediately shook their heads, Scotty with a clear scowl on his face, while Pavel looked contemplative.

"When we first met, you had a black eye," the young Russian commented quietly. "The Commander mentioned a black eye when you left."

Jim winced. "Yeah," he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "That was just a couple days before I went to Russia to find you."

Scotty looked between the two, confused. "Ye went looking for Chekov?"

Jim looked like he regretted phrasing it like that. He really didn't want to get into that whole history. Pavel also looked uncomfortable, so Jim took a deep breath and summarized in as few words as possible. "Pavel's sister and I were good friends when I was a teenager."

Scotty looked over at the Navigator, surprised. "You have a sister?" The younger man had never mentioned any siblings.

Pavel looked down, his eyes brightening slightly with unshed tears. Jim reached out and rested a hand lightly on the kid's arm, and Scotty understood suddenly. His eyes widened and he immediately backpedaled. "Sorry, Chekov. I didn't mean to…"

Pavel shook his head immediately, still not speaking, but Jim nodded gratefully at the Engineer, and the rest of the flight passed in silence.

**XXX**

When they returned to the Academy, all three separated to their respective apartments with muted good byes. It wasn't that late in California, but it felt later, with the time change.

The next morning, Jim found himself pressed back into service as a makeshift teacher, giving two lectures back to back – the first to the senior level Engineering class, and the second to the Command Track Cadets.

It was after one by the time he was able to make his way to the cafeteria for lunch; truthfully, he wouldn't have even thought about eating, if he hadn't received a rather forceful message from Chris telling him in no uncertain terms that if he heard that Jim had skipped a meal, he would be in trouble. Jim had to smile at the message. It was just like Chris to make such demands without making it seem odd or uncomfortable.

Jim had just sat down with his tray of what he assumed was a cheeseburger and fries – he wasn't one hundred percent certain, and made a mental note to go grocery shopping so that he wouldn't have to eat at the cafeteria more than necessary in the next few weeks – when he suddenly found himself not alone.

The Captain looked up sharply when someone slid into the booth across from him.

Carol smiled smugly at having been able to catch him off guard. "You don't call, you don't write. One might think you weren't interested at all, Captain."

Jim grimaced slightly. "I'm sorry, Carol. Things have been really busy lately. How have you been?"

Carol shrugged, picking up the orange off of her tray and taking the peel off. "I'm all right, Jim. How are you?"

Jim smiled softly. "All right." Carol glared at him, but there was no real heat to it. "I spent the last week working with the design team on the new warp core; I only just got back into town last night."

Carol raised an eyebrow. "I know you said that your thesis was the basis for the Constellation class warp core, but I didn't realize that meant you still spent so much time working on it."

Jim's smile widened minutely. "They're doing a redesign, for implementation within the next couple of years. My model is the base, so they refer to me as a consultant. Even when I'm off planet, I still have input. We've been working on the new design for well over a year now, but this was the first chance I had to actually go out there in person." He didn't mention how often he had ducked the offer to visit while still at the Academy, just because he didn't want to have to go back to Riverside.

Carol nodded slowly. "Well, now that you're back in town, maybe we could get together sometime?" She bit her lip nervously as she waited for an answer, hoping that she didn't sound too forward.

Jim observed her nervousness, feeling something like a fluttering in his stomach at the realization that she had just asked him out. Had she just asked him out? He nodded agreeably. "I'd like that," he replied, the corners of his eyes crinkling with his smile.

Carol let out a deep breath, relieved. "Good," she said stiltedly, wincing as she realized how that had sounded.

Fortunately, Jim found it amusing. "How do you feel about nature?" he asked suddenly.

Carol looked at him, confused. "It's nice," she said slowly.

Jim nodded quickly, standing up and picking up his tray. He hadn't really eaten anything off of it, but Chris couldn't really blame him for that, could he? The food looked like a grayish blob. He wondered if there was something wrong with the replicators, because he certainly didn't remember the food being this disgusting when he was at the Academy. "Meet me at the Cochrane Quad on Saturday morning, ten o'clock. Dress appropriately."

He disappeared into a throng of students passing by, and by the time the crowd had dispersed, the Captain was gone, leaving Carol staring at the spot she had last seen him, confused and startled. "Dress appropriately?" she muttered to herself as she stood up. "What the hell does that mean?"

**XXX**

Chris pulled Jim into his office later that afternoon, glad that he had actually managed to catch the kid, who had been doing a pretty good job of avoiding him all day.

Jim sighed resignedly as he dropped into the empty seat across the desk from the Admiral. "I'm fine, Chris."

Chris glared at the younger man. "Bullshit."

Jim rolled his eyes, but didn't contradict the Admiral.

Chris' gaze softened. "Spock mentioned that things got a little heated at the bar. You want to talk about it?"

Jim shook his head quickly. "Not really." He refused to meet Chris' worried expression, his eyes focused on the desk. After a moment of silence, he shrugged. "It was just a slap in the face from a past I've worked hard to put behind me."

Chris nodded slowly, his eyes kind and understanding. "All right. I won't force you to talk, but you know I'm here, if you want to."

With what seemed to be an insurmountable effort, Jim withdrew his mind from his morose thoughts; he shook himself off and sat up straighter, forcing himself to actually look at Chris as he nodded. He smiled slightly, but it did nothing to reassure the Admiral, as Jim stood up and made his way to the exit.

He turned around just before opening the door, a strange look on his face that made the older man a little nervous. It reminded him of many years earlier, when Jim was just starting to realize that Chris wasn't going to disappear again. "I don't," he fidgeted, chewing his lower lip in thought. Chris made a questioning noise, and Jim snapped back to attention. "I don't want to talk, but I appreciate the offer."

Chris nodded, just once. "If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

Jim inclined his head, and beat a hasty retreat.

**XXX**

Saturday morning found Jim waiting nervously for Carol to meet him on the quad outside of Cochrane Hall. He was wearing jeans and a gray t-shirt. A Starfleet Academy Athletics sweatshirt was tied around his waist, and a backpack was slung across his shoulder.

"I'm assuming I'm dressed appropriately then?"

A hesitant query startled Jim, and he turned around quickly to see Carol standing behind him. He smiled and nodded, taking in her outfit – jeans, t-shirt, sweater, and sneakers, just like him. "Perfect."

Carol pursed her lips. "I don't suppose you could tell me where we're going now?"

Jim shook his head, gesturing for the blonde to follow him. "That would spoil the surprise."

He refused to answer any more questions about what he had planned, as he led Carol to a transport parked nearby. The drive was quiet but not uncomfortable, as Carol observed the scenery around them, trying to figure out where they were headed.

Finally, Jim pulled into a parking lot and parked next to several other transports. Carol got out, confused. "Where are we?"

Jim smiled, hiking his backpack up onto his shoulder. "Bear Valley Trailhead. You said you liked nature, so I thought we'd go for a hike. This trail has some pretty amazing views."

Carol nodded, a wide grin stretching across her face. "I approve," she said simply.

Jim chuckled, and the two quickly made their way towards the trail.

It was a beautiful day for a hike, as the two slowly wound their way up the trail. It was intense, but not exhausting, and they kept up a steady stream of conversation: comments on a pretty flower, or when they spied a glimpse of the bay through the trees. Carol told Jim about hikes she would take with her mother, back in England.

This led to a discussion of Carol's childhood overseas, her studies at Oxford, and her decision to follow her father's footsteps into Starfleet. It got slightly more awkward when the conversation shifted to Jim's decision to follow in his own father's footsteps, but Carol seemed to be quick to catch on to which topics should be avoided. There seemed to be a lot about Jim's past that he didn't like to discuss, but he never automatically shut her down, so she felt like there was a possibility that he may open up in the future, if they kept spending time together.

By the time they reached the summit, both were out of breath.

Jim grinned as he took a seat right at the edge of the cliff, setting his backpack down and pulling out several drinks and sandwiches, as Carol plopped down next to him, tired but exhilarated.

"This is amazing," she marveled, taking the sandwich Jim offered her and biting into it eagerly. "How did you find this place?"

Jim shrugged, taking a bite of his own sandwich. "I used to go running out here on weekends, when I was at the Academy," he explained.

Carol nodded in understanding, and the next few minutes passed in silence, as they ate their lunch.

Once the food had disappeared, the two spent the next hour talking. Both shared a love of space and the stars, and Jim had to wonder why Carol had never been assigned to a ship before.

Carol shrugged disappointedly. "My specialties have always been more suited to labs," she admitted. "I would love to work on a starship, but there always seems to be a lab that has more need for my services. But I am hoping that will change soon." She glanced at him sidelong. "I put in an appeal several months ago, and received word from Admiral Archer a few days ago that they are advancing my request."

Jim smiled widely. "That's great. So what's the next step?"

Carol sighed. "I believe they need to find a ship with the lab space and mission parameters to allow for my placement."

Jim furrowed his brow. "It sounds like you just need a ship with an exploratory mission. That shouldn't be too hard. Your specialties are molecular biology and applied physics, right?"

Carol nodded. "I also have a specialty in Advanced Weapons Technology. I would love to be assigned to an exploratory mission, but most of the alpha fleet already has their science crew."

Jim tilted his head to the side. "There's always room for more."

Carol's eyes widened. Was Jim saying what she thought he was? "Jim…" She stopped and took a breath. "I don't want you to do anything simply because you like me. I'm not batting my eyelashes here to get you to do something for me. I don't want to use you. I'm not looking for a job offer here."

Jim shook his head, cutting off her protests. "I'm not promising anything, but I'll talk to Archer. However I feel about you has no basis on your skill set. I promise Carol, if I don't think you can do the job, I won't approve your appointment to the _Enterprise_. But I don't think that will be a problem." He smiled, and after a moment, Carol returned the gesture, if a bit hesitantly.

"If you're sure," she said doubtfully.

Jim set his water bottle down and took one of Carol's hands in his, forcing her gaze to meet his own earnest one. "I care about my ship, Carol. I might like you, but if I didn't think you had the skills to keep up, I would never even consider approving your placement on the _Enterprise_."

Carol nodded slowly, believing what he was saying. She was relieved that he wasn't doing this simply because they may or may not be on a date right now. "Thank you," she said softly. "I know it seems like I'm just trying to get a placement on a ship –"

Jim immediately shook his head again. "You definitely don't," he smiled. "I get it, Carol. You want to feel like you're moving forward with your career, and you want to work on a starship. But you don't want to use nepotism or favoritism to get there, and you're worried that you're using me to further your career. But please, don't worry about that. I swear, I'm not going to do anything rash, and I won't even consider extending the offer until I've looked at your record and work experience."

Carol nodded again, and opened her mouth to speak, when a soft chime cut her off. Jim shrugged apologetically and pulled a communicator out of his backpack. "Kirk here."

Carol listened with interest as the gruff overtone of Admiral Komack sounded from the small device. Jim rolled his eyes at her, his expression exasperated, as he confirmed that he could be available to meet with the Admiral in a few hours, and hung up.

Putting the communicator away, he sighed resignedly. "It seems we have to cut this short," he apologized, standing up and dusting his pants off. "I'm sorry, but apparently Komack just can't wait until tomorrow."

Carol stood as well, handing him her water bottle so that he could put it into his backpack. "That's all right, Jim. I had a great time. You shouldn't keep Admiral Komack waiting any longer than necessary. I've heard he's not a patient man."

Jim snorted. "You got that right," he muttered. "Come on, let's start heading back," he said louder, and the two made their way back towards the trail.

**XXX**

It was nearly three hours later that they were pulling back into the same parking lot they had departed from, at the Academy.

Jim cut the power to the transport but made no move to get out. He looked over at Carol. "I had a lot of fun today, Carol. Thanks for coming with me."

Carol smiled. "I had a good time as well. Thank you for inviting me."

Jim sighed and opened his door. "I should probably change before meeting Komack. He's got to be angry enough as it is, being kept waiting this long."

Carol pursed her lips, a twinge of annoyance crossing her face. "It's his fault for demanding to speak with you on a Saturday. You did have the day off, did you not?"

Jim chuckled and nodded. "I did," he confirmed. "But according to him, I should always be on duty."

Carol shook her head. "Even Captains need a break every once in a while." They circled the transport and began walking back towards the housing section. All Starfleet officials who had apartments on campus lived in the same general area, across campus from the Cadet housing units.

They reached Jim's building first, and the Captain paused before walking inside. "Are you doing anything tomorrow night?" he asked curiously.

Carol smiled slightly. "Well, I did have a date with an article on agarose gel electrophoresis and a carton of leftover Chinese food, but I'm open to other offers."

Jim laughed lightly. "How about dinner then. Say, seven o'clock?"

Carol nodded quickly. "Thank you for saving me from the boredom of academia and the possible food poisoning of week old leftovers. I will see you tomorrow night."

Jim laughed again. "Come by my apartment then. Unit 203."

Carol smiled. "Sounds perfect."

With those plans set, Jim disappeared into the building, and Carol decided to head back to her own apartment to change as well.

**XXX**

Komack really was an ass, Jim thought, as he returned to his apartment after a trip to the grocery store near campus. There was no need for the man to demand a meeting yesterday afternoon, and then follow it up with multiple messages all evening and this morning. Honestly, Komack had to be one of the only people actually working this weekend. Even most other Admirals had taken it off.

That meeting was just Komack's attempt to assert dominance and control. Another way of showing Jim that he was beneath the older man.

Jim rolled his eyes as he thought about the Admiral's dressing down about how it had taken so long for Jim to stop by his office, not caring that Jim hadn't actually been on campus, and that he had come as soon as he could.

With some effort, he managed to put those thoughts out of his head. What would happen would happen, and if Jon, Richard, and Chris had anything to say about it, Komack would be knocked off his high horse soon enough.

Instead, he decided to think about his upcoming dinner with Carol. He had thought about taking her out, but decided that it would be a nicer evening if they ate in. He might not be the best cook in the universe, but he did know a few things. His aunt Marie had taught him a few tricks during the year and a half he had lived with them, and he had taught himself a little more over the years.

But that thinking just led down another dark path, so Jim forced his thoughts towards what he was cooking tonight. He hoped that Carol didn't have any allergies or aversions to lasagna.

It was seven o'clock exactly when a chime sounded through the apartment, and Jim opened the door to find Carol standing there, looking nervous. She was wearing a simple black dress that showed off her arms and cut off abruptly just above the knee.

Jim smiled. "You look great," he complimented the woman, before stepping aside. "Come on in."

Carol did so curiously, looking around the barren living room. Jim shrugged by way of explanation. "I don't spend a lot of time on Earth, so I didn't really see the point in decorating."

Carol shook her head. "I understand." She took a deep sniff, catching the aroma wafting in from the open kitchen. "It smells lovely, Jim. I didn't realize when you asked me to dinner that you would actually be cooking."

Jim shrugged again, this time embarrassed. "I'm not the best cook, but I can at least feed myself. I'm making lasagna, I hope that's all right."

Carol smiled widely. "It sounds perfect. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Jim returned the smile. "I was about to start a salad, if you'd like to help with that."

Carol nodded, and followed Jim into the kitchen.

"Wine or beer?" Jim asked, making for the cabinet with his glassware.

"Whatever you're having," Carol replied.

Jim took two glasses down, and picked up a bottle of red wine. "Red seems to go, right?" he queried.

Carol chuckled. "If you'd rather have beer, I'm fine with that."

Jim nodded, relieved, and put the wine down, going over to the fridge instead and pulling out two bottles. The wine was a gift from a friend, and had been sitting in his cupboard for over a year. He really wasn't a wine guy, but he appreciated the thought.

He uncapped the beer bottles on the edge of the counter, and handed one to Carol. They clinked bottles, before each taking a long swig.

Carol was happy to help get the salad ready, and soon enough, Jim was putting down the casserole dish on the small table set up in the eat-in kitchen. Carol followed behind, carrying the salad bowl as well as a loaf of bread.

Jim hid a grimace at his apartment set up. He wished he had an actual dining room, but units like that were reserved for families; dining rooms only came in the apartment units with three or more bedrooms.

Carol didn't seem to mind, however, and took a seat next to the window, smiling. "This looks amazing Jim."

Jim grinned, serving her first, and then himself.

The first few minutes were filled with complements from Carol, praising his cooking skills, even though Jim said multiple times how he really wasn't that great, he just knew how to cook a few dishes well.

Carol rolled her eyes. Why couldn't he just accept a compliment? "So how did you learn how to cook?" she asked curiously. It seemed almost like a dying art in this day and age, the ability to cook for oneself. Most people just used replicators for their food. She had certainly not had much opportunity to learn, growing up.

Jim looked slightly uncomfortable. "I lived with my aunt and uncle for a while when I was a teenager; my aunt taught me."

Carol nodded slowly, wanting to ask more questions, but sensing that he didn't really want to talk about it. "Well, she taught you well. I am suitably impressed."

Jim smiled, and helped himself to seconds.

After dinner, Jim waved off Carol's offer to clean up, and left the casserole dish soaking in the sink, while they adjourned to the living room, settling comfortably into the couch with their drinks.

"So how much longer is the _Enterprise_ going to be docked at Earth?" Carol asked, leaning slightly into Jim's side contentedly.

Jim obediently lifted his arm and slung it across her shoulders. "We're staying until the current class of Cadets graduates in a few weeks," he informed her. "I have to select ten Cadets for placement on the _Enterprise_ , and we're sticking around so that they can join us when we ship out."

Carol nodded, understanding. "You don't seem pleased with that," she observed carefully, twisting slightly so that she could look at him.

Jim shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. "It's not that I don't understand the reasoning, and we really do need the Cadets to graduate earlier, and get their placements. We lost a lot of personnel last year, particularly amongst the senior Cadets. It's just…" He sighed and looked at Carol. "I guess I don't like the idea of having a crew forced on me. The people I work with now, most of us were together last year, when we stopped the _Narada_. We already know that we can work together, that we work well together. I'm not sure how new people will mesh."

Carol nodded again. "That makes sense, but these Cadets need to get experience, and you are able to pick which ones will be serving with you, correct?"

Jim inclined his head. "Yeah. I guess it's not that bad. I'm just making it sound worse than it is."

Carol bumped his shoulder with her own. "Well, now that you've realized that, you can get past your depressing outlook on the situation. These Cadets are going to be on your ship to learn, and it's your duty to ensure that they receive a proper education."

Jim snorted. "I'm not sure how anyone got the idea that I'm a good instructor. At the Academy, with these Cadets. What the hell do I know about teaching?"

Carol raised an eyebrow. "Well, you must be doing something right, or they wouldn't be asking you."

Jim shrugged, and maneuvered the conversation towards topics that didn't include work.

It was over an hour later when Carol yawned and stretched, standing up stiffly. "I should really get to bed," she said regrettably. "I didn't realize how late it was."

Jim glanced at his watch and nodded, standing as well. He walked Carol to the door, where the woman paused briefly. Before she could talk herself out of it, Carol stood up on her tiptoes and pressed a light kiss to Jim's cheek. "I had a wonderful time," she said softly.

Jim smiled. "Me, too. I'll see you later?"

Carol nodded. "Maybe we can get lunch together sometime this week."

Jim's smile widened. "Definitely."

Carol beamed and gave him one last farewell, before she left.

Jim watched her walk down the hall for a minute, before he turned back to his apartment, heading to the kitchen to clean up.


	6. Chapter 6

McCoy caught up to Jim as he exited the Engineering building; his expression clearly indicated to the young Captain that something was wrong.

Indeed, McCoy didn't even bother with pleasantries, before demanding Jim do something about his medical staff.

Frowning, Jim guided the doctor to an out of the way path, before he asked what the issue was.

McCoy scowled. "Arada. That woman has no idea what she's doing."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "What's brought this on?"

McCoy huffed. "I've made it clear in her evaluations over the last year that I don't think she has what it takes to be a doctor on a starship, but there wasn't too much we could do out in the black. She's going to kill someone through sheer incompetence, if we don't do something about it. I just had to sit through a meeting with her and M'Benga, and I can barely tell if she graduated medical school. I've had it with her incompetence; she should never have been accepted to the Academy in the first place. Damn it, Jim, I can't work with her anymore!"

Jim reached out and rested a hand on McCoy's arm sympathetically. "Send me all of her evaluations and records, and I'll take a look. If I agree with you, and based on what I've witnessed over the last year, I think I probably will, I'll talk to the Admirals. It shouldn't be too hard to get another doctor assigned to the _Enterprise_."

McCoy bit his lip, his expression suddenly nervous. "I think I might have someone in mind, but it's complicated."

Jim furrowed his brow in thought. "April?"

McCoy glanced at him sharply. He still hadn't gotten a good answer for how those two knew each other. "She wants to enlist and work on a starship, she just hasn't actually officially enrolled yet. Is there a way to get around that? She's got the experience, she just hasn't completed the Academy requirements."

Jim nodded absentmindedly. "I'll talk to Pike and Archer. I'm sure there's a precedent, especially since she has taken some classes at the Academy, and she's worked on a Starfleet base, as a civilian contractor. I'll let you know."

McCoy nodded, relieved. "Thanks, Jim. I don't mean to make things more difficult for you, but Arada just isn't working out, and I really don't feel comfortable having her in my Medbay."

Jim smiled softly at the doctor. "It's your job to look out for your department, Bones. It's my job to give you the tools you need to do _your_ job. We'll sort it out. I'd like to have April on board. I trust her."

McCoy really wanted to continue that line of thought, but knew better than to push. More than likely, Jim would just shut down, make an excuse, and disappear. McCoy probably wouldn't see him much before they shipped out, if he continued with that road.

So instead, the doctor just smiled and nodded, and the two made their way towards the cafeteria. "So who was that blonde I saw you eating with the other day?" he asked curiously.

Jim blushed. He actually blushed. McCoy almost stared, but forced himself not to make a big deal of it. "Her name's Carol," the Captain admitted softly. "I met her a couple weeks ago."

McCoy smirked. "Seems like she's into you. Anything going on there?"

Jim shrugged. "Not sure yet. She's nice, though. And smart."

"Beautiful," McCoy added helpfully.

Jim glared at him. "And that. I've been looking at her records. She's done a lot in a short amount of time."

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Doing some snooping?"

Jim shook his head. "She wants to work on a starship, but can't seem to get placed into a science department. I told her I'd see if we had a spot for her on the _Enterprise_." He saw the look McCoy was leveling at him, and hurried on. "I'm not going to make the request unless I think she will actually fit with our crew, no matter what my personal feelings are."

McCoy nodded approvingly. "Good. Do you think she'd fit in?"

Jim inclined his head. "Based on what I've read, I think so. We could definitely use her."

McCoy smiled. "Well, I'm glad." Jim threw him a sharp glance, and the doctor shrugged. "You look happy. She seems to have something to do with that, so I'm happy. You haven't really dated anyone since you and Gaila broke up."

Jim shrugged. "Being Captain of a starship in space for a year severely limits the number of prospects. Every woman I see is under my command."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "If you really wanted it, you'd figure out a way. Besides, this Carol woman, if she comes on board, will also be under your command. You telling me you won't pursue anything with her if she's on the ship?"

Jim shrugged again. "Technically, she'd report to Spock."

McCoy glared, and Jim smirked a little.

"Infant," the doctor muttered, shoving Jim lightly before he waved a farewell with an offer to join him and Joanna for dinner that night, and headed back to the medical building.

**XXX**

Jim met with Archer and Komack a few days later; he would have preferred to just deal with Archer, but as Komack was the commanding Admiral of the _Enterprise_ , he had to be brought into everything.

Archer, in charge of 'Fleet Operations, tended to oversee placements on starships, bases, and outposts, so he was automatically a part of the discussion. Jim just counted his lucky stars that Garovick, who as head of the Academy would normally have some input in these matters, had other obligations, and was therefore unable to spend this meeting glaring at Jim and belittling him every chance he got.

Jim stood stiffly at attention as he passed Komack a PADD. "I have selected my choices for Cadet placements, sir," he informed them. "I believe that all ten Cadets will do well on the _Enterprise_."

Komack looked over the list briefly, before turning the PADD over to Archer to approve.

Jon looked at the records as well, and nodded. "I agree," he said. "These Cadets are all at the top of their respective classes, and will do the flagship a credit."

Jim inclined his head. "Thank you, sir."

Archer was about to dismiss Jim, but something in the younger man's gaze had him asking if there was anything else he wished to discuss.

Jim nodded. "Yes sir. I recently became acquainted with Lieutenant Wallace. She has informed me that she has put in a request with you to be assigned to a starship. After looking over her records, I believe that she would do well on the _Enterprise_. I would like you to approve her request, and assign her to the flagship."

Archer glanced at Komack, before nodding austerely. "I am familiar with Lieutenant Wallace's work. She would certainly thrive on the _Enterprise_. Very well, I will approve her request."

Jim smiled slightly. "Thank you, sir."

Komack looked a little upset that Archer hadn't asked for his input, but didn't contradict the placement, and dismissed the Captain.

A few minutes later, Archer finished making a few notations on his PADD, and nodded a farewell to his fellow Admiral, before making his way to Chris' office.

As expected, Jim was there, with Chris and Richard. The three were talking about the newest placements to the _Enterprise_.

Archer quickly took a seat in the open chair. "You made good choices," he approved, smiling at the young Captain. "The flagship deserves the best, and I think the Cadets you selected will give her that."

Jim nodded slightly, smiling at the praise. He didn't even question the Admiral's reference to the ship as a 'she'. After all, he often did so as well. The _Enterprise_ really was a beautiful lady.

"Jim, you should tell Jon what we've been discussing," Chris said abruptly, looking up from the PADD that Jim had given him.

Jim bit his lip, glancing at the Admiral. On his questioning look, the Captain sighed. "Doctor McCoy has informed me that one of his subordinates, Doctor Arada, is unsuited for life as a doctor on a starship. He reports that her work is shoddy at best, and unsuited for the fast pace and excellence that the flagship demands. She hasn't been handling the stress of our missions well, and he believes that she may seriously harm someone if left where she is."

Archer nodded, frowning. "None of your Cadet choices were on the Medical Track. We can certainly look at the potential candidates, and you can choose –"

Jim shook his head, cutting the Admiral off. "I don't want another green doctor."

Archer pursed his lips. "Then what do you want? We can't just pull a doctor from another ship, or a starbase, just like that. It takes time, and we don't just reassign people because we feel like it. There have to be extenuating circumstances, and this just doesn't qualify, no matter how strongly Doctor McCoy feels."

Jim bit his lip. "I already have a candidate in mind. However, it's a little complicated."

"How so?" Jon asked.

Jim sighed. "Technically, she's not Starfleet. She's worked as a civilian contractor on a Starfleet base, and she's taken several classes at the Academy, but she hasn't graduated."

"Who?" Jon was curious now.

"Doctor April Vanderbilt. She's currently working at Starfleet Medical, while also acting as an instructor at the medical building. She wants to work on a starship, but she hasn't had a chance to fully commit to the Academy, which is why she's only taken a few classes." Jim smiled slightly. "We could take her on and train her in the field, same as we're doing with these Cadets. She can continue to study throughout our mission, and when we return to Earth next, she can take the required tests to graduate."

Archer nodded slowly. "Doctor Vanderbilt has an impressive record. I remember her interview before she took that placement out in the Delta Quadrant. And she indicated that she wanted to enlist when we offered her the instructor position at the Academy."

Chris closed Doctor Arada's file on the PADD in his hands, and pulled up Doctor Vanderbilt's. He frowned as he looked it over. The picture in the top right corner was of a woman that he was certain he had seen before. He just couldn't figure out…

His eyes widened slightly as it hit him. He remembered the name April. It had been over a decade ago, when he had met the makeshift crew that Jim had put together on that godforsaken planet. April had been the name of the CMO. She had said that she had been interested in medicine.

Chris glanced up and met Jim's bright gaze. "April…" It was part question, part statement.

Jim flinched slightly, but nodded. "Yeah," he replied, much to Jon and Richard's confusion.

When no answer seemed forthcoming, Jon cleared his throat. "Have you spoken to her at all? If she wants this, then I will discuss it with Komack. The only real concern is that she hasn't taken many classes yet. Just the basics, if I remember correctly. I should be able to make the case, but it won't be that easy, especially for the flagship."

Jim shrugged. "I don't need easy. I just need possible."

Jon let a small smile grace his lips as he inclined his head. "It's possible. Just let me know if she's interested, and I'll get into it. We'll have to prove that Doctor Arada can't stay where she is, and that Doctor Vanderbilt is the best candidate to replace her, but I think we can do it, if it's something you, she, and Doctor McCoy all want."

Jim nodded and smiled gratefully, before he left.

Jon's smile dropped as he frowned and leaned forward in his seat. "You recognize this doctor?"

Chris took a deep breath. "Yeah," he admitted. "I met her, about twelve years ago." Seeing his friends' confused looks, he frowned. "She was on Tarsus. She was part of the group of kids that Jim saved."

Jon and Richard looked at each other, startled. They hadn't considered that. While both were aware of Jim's history on Tarsus, neither really knew many of the details, including just what had happened to Jim there. They had reached their own conclusions, but had never brought it up with Jim, not wanting to make him uncomfortable.

"He saved…?" Richard looked curiously at Chris.

Chris sighed, his gaze drawn to the window, and the Cadets currently wandering around on the quad outside. "There were about twenty of them, when we showed up. They had lost a few, but most of the group survived. They credited Jim with that. He looked after them, and never let them lose hope. Even when he had, himself."

His voice sounded so melancholy, that neither of his friends really wanted to break the uneasy silence that followed.

After a minute, Chris shook himself off and sat up a little straighter. "You remember hearing about Captain Halloway's witness? I know you heard the stories of the mysterious 'JT'."

Archer's eyes widened, while Barnett's mouth dropped open slightly. Of course they remembered. Halloway had been very eager to push his witness forward, but the boy had disappeared from the hospital before being questioned. But they had been able to figure out a little of what the teenager had done – he had been held captive by Kodos himself, and Halloway had insinuated that he had likely been the one to send Starfleet the documents detailing everything that had happened. The child JT had been a hero to many other colonists, who gave statements detailing the teen's actions against Kodos' guards; how he had saved one group from capture just a few weeks after the massacre. The small family had been forever grateful to the boy they had never met before, or saw again after. How he had deliberately attacked several guards to draw them away from several kids attempting to steal from one of the government's food stores. The name JT had cropped up in several witness testimonies, but other than Chris, no one had known his true identity.

Countless acts, from saving strangers, to giving them food he had stolen from the stores, to alerting Starfleet of Kodos' plans and providing them with evidence of the governor's crimes, all credited to the mysterious teenager who had disappeared rather than be questioned by Starfleet once he had returned to Earth. No one had ever figured out who he had been before the massacre. No one knew what his real name was, or who his family was. Just a few days after his disappearance from Starfleet Medical, all evidence that they had kept on him – injury records, x-rays, tests, blood samples, and everything else, had somehow vanished as well. It had made the doctors and Admirals in the know incredibly upset and confused, but Jon and Richard now understood that Jim had done a very good job of erasing his existence on that planet from the system.

How had they not made the connection before? Both Jon and Richard could recognize the nickname now, and couldn't believe that they hadn't seen it when they had first learned about Jim's past on that planet. JT. _James Tiberius_. Of course. So simple, and yet, no one who didn't have it explicitly told to them would ever make the correlation.

"She's not the only one, you know." Jon and Richard looked nonplussed, still amazed at how they hadn't figured this out before. Chris smirked a little. "She's not the only one who seems to have followed him to Starfleet." He tapped his PADD a few times and pulled up one particular record, handing the PADD to Jon, who shared it with Richard. "Age that kid back twelve years, and I would recognize that face anywhere."

Jon read slowly. "Kevin J. Riley, fourth year Navigations Cadet. Jim selected him for his crew."

Chris nodded. "When I met him the kid was about six. He had a broken arm, and the normal health issues that come from being locked in a prison for several weeks. Barely said a word except to beg us to 'find JT'."

It was clear that neither Jon nor Richard knew what to do with this. Chris shook his head helplessly. "You can't possibly imagine the gut wrenching horror at realizing what these kids had been through. When I found Jim…" he winced, his eyes glazing over at the memory. "I honestly thought he was dead at first. I have no idea how the hell he survived."

"You mentioned that he erased any record of his name in association with that planet," Jon recalled, remembering the conversation they had had after he and Richard had overheard Jim and Chris, a year earlier.

Chris nodded. "James Spaulding, the name he went by when living with his relatives, is listed among the dead. As far as the wider public is aware, he was never there. Doesn't mean someone couldn't figure it out by doing some digging – it's not like Winona hid the fact that she had a sister, and it's public record that that sister lived and died on Tarsus. But honestly, why would most people bother to look in the first place?"

He took the PADD back when Richard passed it to him, and glanced down at the picture of Kevin Riley. "I remember doing his entrance interview. I asked him why he wanted to join Starfleet, and his response was to ask me if I had ever had a childhood hero. I was confused, but said that I had, and he told me that he had as well. And that his hero was real. Had really saved his life. He told me that his hero had taught him to hope for tomorrow, to believe that things can always be better; he said that that was why he wanted to join Starfleet, because he had been taught to believe that things can always be better. I didn't recognize him back then, but I'm positive now that he was talking about Jim."

Any other bombshells you want to drop on us?" Jon asked weakly, still processing.

Chris shrugged. "Ensign Chekov's sister was there as well," he offered helpfully. "She died of pneumonia a few weeks before we arrived. I think it hit Jim pretty hard, they were good friends."

Richard sighed gustily. "Damn I really hate myself right now," he muttered. "Why the hell didn't I keep an eye on them?"

Chris' mouth twitched downwards. "We all had our own lives, and things slipped. We made mistakes, Richard. You can't keep beating yourself up over it though. Don't dwell on what you can't change. Jim. Tarsus. It's all fucked up. Just promise yourself that we won't let it happen again."

Richard nodded determinedly. "Sounds good. I should get back to work. Catch you later."

He quickly left Chris' office, and after a moment of awkward silence, Jon followed.

**XXX**

Jim immediately headed to the medical building. It was nearing the end of the day, and McCoy and April should be finishing up soon.

Sure enough, he found them both in the staff room, gathering their belongings.

"Hey, guys," he greeted from the doorway, causing McCoy to jump and spin around in surprise, before muttering out a string of curses.

April just watched, amused. "Hey, Jim," she greeted. "Everything all right?"

Jim nodded. "I actually wanted to talk to you if you've got a moment."

April frowned slightly, confused, but she nodded and took a seat at one of the tables. Jim sat across from her, and after a moment of hesitation, McCoy joined as well. He was pretty sure he knew what this was about, and if he was right, it did concern him after all.

Jim explained what he had just talked to the Admirals about, much to April's shock.

"You want me on your ship?" she whispered, stunned.

Jim nodded. "I know you haven't taken all of the requirements to graduate from the Academy, but we can work around that, if you really want this."

"Hell yes!" April said quickly.

Jim chuckled, and handed her a PADD. "Study this, and learn to love it. It's got all the Starfleet regulations you'll need to be able to recite in your sleep. In the meantime, you'll work closely with Bones; he'll be responsible for training you. You've got the medical background, the only hold up is your Starfleet training, which you'll mostly get on the job. You'll take your course requirements long distance, and when we stop at Earth next, you'll take all the tests to graduate."

April grinned at the doctor seated across from her. McCoy smiled back, his expression slightly more muted, but it was clear that he was happy with the arrangement.

Jim nodded assuredly. "It's going to seem like an avalanche of information, but I think you're more than up to the task." He stood up. "I need to get going, but I'm really glad you're going to join us, April." He paused, biting his lip. "You should join the command crew for dinner some night this week."

April was surprised at the invitation, but accepted willingly. "If you're sure."

Jim smiled and shrugged. "I think it's important to know and trust our doctors. After all, there's no telling what crap we'll get into out there in the black. We need to know that we can rely on you to keep our insides where they belong."

He grinned bashfully, and dodged McCoy's weak slap. "I'll see you both later."

April waited until he was gone before she turned to the older man. "You two seem to have a very strange relationship."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Infant," he muttered. "That idiot's going to get himself killed if he's not careful."

April frowned slightly, suddenly serious. "I'm sure he only does it to protect his crew."

McCoy was about to reply, when he stopped, swallowing harshly as he realized that April was right. Jim might not always have the best self-preservation skills, but all those heart attack-inducing, self-sacrificial acts always seemed to be in defense of someone else.

With a sigh and a shake of the head, he acquiesced. "I'll give you that." He paused briefly. "You seem to know him pretty well."

April looked suddenly guarded. "We met a long time ago. You could say I've seen him at his best and at his worst."

McCoy frowned, but didn't push any further, even if his curiosity was killing him by now.

"You hungry?" he asked instead. On April's nod, he led the way to the cafeteria. "Joanna's at a sleepover tonight. Dinner?"

April smiled. "I'd love to. Though, you know, I'd really love to meet Joanna sometime. You certainly talk about her enough that I feel like I know her."

McCoy shrugged. "She's pretty amazing."

April chuckled. "You're her father. It's your prerogative to see her as amazing, no matter what. Though I'm pretty sure your assessment isn't that far off the mark. After all, she's got you for a dad, and Jim for an uncle. I hate to think about what might happen when she starts dating though."

McCoy shuddered at that. "She's not dating until she's married."

April laughed, as the two entered the cafeteria and headed towards the replicators.

**XXX**

Upon leaving the medical building, Jim immediately sent Kevin a request to meet in an out of the way alcove nearby. All Cadets would be receiving his or her orders through official mail tomorrow, but Jim wanted to tell Kevin in person.

The younger man arrived five minutes after Jim, breathing a little harshly, indicating that he had run from his dorm to the requested meeting spot. Jim knew he had probably been in his dorm because Kevin was wearing casual clothes, rather than the Cadet reds.

When Kevin reached him, Jim smirked lightly. "I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

Kevin rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You caught me in the middle of changing," he informed his friend. "I wasn't sure what you wanted to talk about, so I came as quick as I could."

Jim gestured for them to take a seat on a nearby bench. "You didn't have to hurry. I just wanted to give you what I hope is good news."

Kevin stared at the Captain, blinking slowly. "I'm on the _Enterprise_ , aren't I," he whispered disbelievingly.

Jim's smile widened as he nodded. "If you want it, that is."

"Are you kidding?" Kevin yelped. "I'd have to be insane!" Suddenly realizing how loud he had gotten, he flushed slightly in embarrassment. With a determined effort, the Cadet forced himself to calm down. "I would love to join your crew, Captain."

Jim chuckled. "We're happy to have you, Cadet Riley. You'll receive your official orders tomorrow, and we ship out the day after your graduation."

He stood up and held out his hand. Kevin immediately jumped to his feet and took the offered hand. "Welcome aboard, Cadet."

Kevin's smile could have lit a room as he nodded eagerly. "Looking forward to it, sir."

"Well then, Cadet, I will talk to you later. Go enjoy the rest of your evening." Jim held his serious posture for a moment longer, before he grinned. "I'm really proud of you, Kev."

Kevin felt like he could fly at that moment. Jim was his hero. At fourteen years old, he had led them through hopelessness; he had had nothing to give but himself, and had done so willingly. Jim was the kind of man Kevin wanted to be, and to hear him say that he was proud… it was all Kevin could wish for in this moment.

Jim gave him one last farewell, before he went to go find Carol. They had plans for dinner tonight, and he didn't want to be late.

**XXX**

Carol was just as excited as Kevin to learn that she had a spot on board the _Enterprise_ , and didn't even think about her actions as she flung herself at Jim with such force that he nearly collided with the wall behind him.

Embarrassed, the Lieutenant stepped back, blushing furiously. "Sorry, Jim. I'm just… I can't believe it!"

Jim chuckled good-naturedly. "Hey, I'm happy for you. Archer didn't need any persuasion, and just looking over your records assured me that you'll fit in brilliantly on board. We're happy to have you." He reached out and took Carol's hand. "Now, I think we had dinner plans, and I've got the perfect place where we can celebrate."

Carol beamed, and followed Jim as he led her towards the Academy gates. Her stomach was fluttering with both nerves and excitement. She wasn't quite certain what was happening between her and the flagship Captain, but he made her feel like a lovesick teenager. He was so sweet and caring. He seemed to really want to get to know her, and if it weren't for the subtle glances she caught him throwing her from time to time, she would think he was just interested in friendship. But those looks kept her hope alive.

She suspected that Jim hadn't been in too many serious relationships before. Either that, or maybe he was getting over a big break up or something. She hoped she wasn't a rebound.

But then Jim turned to look at her with such a sweet smile, that she cast all doubt aside, and decided to simply enjoy the evening.

**XXX**

The next few days were busy, as Cadets prepared to graduate a year earlier than planned, while instructors tried to fit in as much as they could in the minimal amount of time they had left.

The crew of the _Enterprise_ were similarly busy, preparing for departure in just over a week. Scotty had teams finishing up the upgrades on board going around the clock. Jim was grateful that his teaching gig had only lasted a few weeks, as he was now spending most of his days on his ship, making sure every department would be prepared for departure. Some days he barely remembered to return to Earth at night.

Fortunately, he had a good friend in Bones, who never failed to send him a scathing message reminding him that he wasn't actually Superman, and therefore couldn't work twenty four-seven.

It was Saturday evening when Jim actually managed to get the entire command crew together for dinner – they had all been so busy over the last few weeks that they really hadn't seen each other that much, which shouldn't have bothered them as much as it did, but they had all spent the last year practically living on top of each other, so suddenly not seeing each other every day was just strange.

Each and every one of them would readily admit to being eager to leave Earth once more. The shore leave had been nice in the beginning, but none of them really wanted to stick around as long as they had. They were the type of people who enjoyed _doing_ , not teaching.

Jim assured them all that once they shipped out in ten days, they wouldn't be back for a while. Their five-year mission had started off slower than normal, due to the young and inexperienced crew, plus it being a new ship. But he had received promises from the Admiralty that they wouldn't be called back again unless it was an emergency. Jim didn't expect to set foot back on Earth for at least two years, and potentially not even until their mission was over, depending on how things went.

A tentative cough drew their attention just as they had all sat down. Jim looked up and greeted April with a large smile. "Hey, glad you could make it."

The rest of the command crew looked confused, as April took a seat next to McCoy. "Well, you did invite me."

Jim nodded. "True. Guys, this is Doctor April Vanderbilt. She'll be replacing Doctor Arada in Medical."

April smiled a greeting as Jim introduced the command crew. Everyone seemed to be welcoming, and if she wasn't mistaken, relieved that they were getting a new doctor. Just how bad had Arada been?

Smaller conversations broke out as Scotty, Chekov, and Jim began discussing the upgrades in Engineering, and Uhura drew April into a conversation about her last appointment on a starbase, and how she was joining them without formally graduating from the Academy.

Jim was listening attentively to Scotty's explanation when a flash of blonde caught his eye. He grinned and waved Carol over, offering her the solitary empty seat at the table. Carol was hesitant, but set her tray down as the group focused their attention on her.

Jim smiled. "Lieutenant Carol Wallace will also be joining us. Carol, meet my command crew."

Carol felt strangely like she had just been brought home to meet the family. She smiled and nodded greetings to everyone, as Jim introduced them.

Spock leaned forward minutely, his expression showing something she thought was interest. "Doctor Wallace, your article on antimicrobial resistance was quite fascinating. I would be amenable to further discussion on the topic at a later date, if you agree."

Carol blinked, trying to dissect what the Vulcan had just said. After a moment, she nodded. "I'd be happy to, Commander," she replied. "Though I have to admit, that paper was not some of my finer work. I've recently been researching electropermeabilization, and would welcome your inputs."

Spock inclined his head. "That is agreeable."

Jim snorted. "Can't you just say yes like a normal person?"

Carol lightly kicked him under the desk. "Be nice," she admonished, to McCoy's amusement, and Uhura's surprise. The way the blonde seemed to be looking at Jim indicated more than just a professional relationship. Did the two know each other in a more personal manner?

The rest of the evening passed quickly, as the group of friends talked about the adventures to come. April and Carol quickly meshed with the others, and Uhura was very happy to no longer be the only female in the group. Though neither new addition was part of the command crew, after spending just one evening with them, she suspected they would be spending a lot of time together. Both women seemed to be important to Jim, even if he wasn't saying how. Uhura was an unmatched linguist, and she could read the body language. Jim felt protective over April, for some reason Uhura couldn't fathom, and with Carol, he just acted like a lovesick puppy.

Not that anyone else could pick up on that, but Uhura prided herself in being at the top of her field, and it was obvious to her that Jim had more than a passing interest in the British woman.

And unless she was very much mistaken, which she knew was very unlikely, Carol felt the same way.

By the time the cafeteria was closing down for the night around them, both Carol and April were excitedly looking forward to joining this crazy but brilliant crew on the rest of their five year mission.

It was amazing for Carol to watch, as she observed the interactions of these people around her. Even when they were all caught up in their own smaller conversations, there was a weight, sort of like gravity, that continued to hold them all together.

And at the center of that pull sat Jim Kirk. Carol wondered if Jim even realized how loyal his crew was, how much they seemed to rely and depend on him. Even just sitting around, she could see them all keep one eye on their Captain, as if waiting for orders, or just to make sure that he was all right and didn't need anything.

The way they did it spoke subconsciously of a deep seeded trust that could only come from Jim leading them through the impossible. She knew that was pretty much right on the mark, when she thought about it. Jim _had_ done the impossible; combating Nero had been a one in a million shot. And perhaps his crew had doubted the plan, but they had cast aside their fears and followed Jim willingly, and he hadn't let them down. Carol was certain that each and every crewmember on the _Enterprise_ would follow Jim to the ends of the universe, because they knew without a doubt that he would always protect them.

It was a testament to Jim's character, that his crew was so willing to follow him, to protect him the way he protected them. It wasn't just hero worship or professional respect; it was a crew that honestly loved their Captain and would do whatever they could for him. Because in their eyes, he had earned it. Carol knew that most of the _Enterprise_ 's crew had been on board when they had faced off against Nero last year, so they had seen firsthand just how far Jim was willing to go for those he cared about. And through his actions, they had seen that they, as his crew, fell into that category.

So how could they not do anything for their Captain, when he in turn was so willing to do anything for them?

It was food for thought, as Carol said her farewells to the command crew, with promises to meet up with Nyota the next day, and allowed Jim to walk her back to her apartment. She studiously ignored the knowing looks that Nyota and McCoy traded, as she quickened her pace to match Jim's long strides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I need people to tell me if you want me to continue. I don't know of this story's really of interest to many, I know that the whole Carol/Jim pairing isn't really a popular one. I'll keep going with the posts if you want, just let me know.
> 
> A further note about posting schedule; I'm not completely caught up here with where I am on fanfiction, so from now on the posts will be once a week, on Saturdays.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented to let me know that you want me to keep going. Sometimes it's hard to tell on this site - not as many people comment, and I don't get notified of kudos, so it's not always evident that people are really reading. I want to make it clear, I wasn't trying to hold this story hostage, or fish for complements; I just wanted to make sure people were actually reading the story, otherwise there wasn't much point in posting it. But as long as people are enjoying it, I'll keep going.

By the time graduation rolled around, Jim was ready to pull his hair out from frustration. He just wanted to get back to space and exploration. That was why he had joined Starfleet after all; not to spend weeks on end puttering around the Academy playing nice with an asshole Admiral who liked to think he was more important than he was.

Jim didn't attend the ceremony, but only because he really had to get things ready for departure on the ship. He would have gone, to see Kevin graduate, but they were leaving Earth the next day, and there really were quite a few details that he, as Captain, needed to take care of.

Jim also wouldn't mind attending the ceremony to see the senior Command Track Cadets he had taught; while he still didn't think he was a great teacher, he had at least sort of connected with some of them. One, Cadet Thompson, would be joining them on the _Enterprise_.

Jim had to admit though that the graduation ceremony could be awfully boring. At least they didn't stand up there and read out the names of every single Cadet graduating, as well as their tracks and specialties – that would take forever. The top five Cadets in each track were recognized, and then each track would stand when called to be acknowledged.

So instead of spending all day listening to Garovick and Richard speak, and watching Cadets sit and stand on command, Jim spent the morning in Engineering, moving on to Medical, Navigations, and several other departments before he knew he had to return for dinner. All in all, he felt it was a productive day. He ran into several members of his command crew, as they were also using the day to ensure their departments would be ready for launch.

Carol was setting up in the science department, and Jim spent more time than he really had to, making sure she had everything she needed.

All were excited to finally be leaving, which probably had some bearing on why they were gathered in the shuttle hangar a full thirty minutes before they needed to report, early the next morning.

Chris was there with Jon and Richard, all three saying their farewells. They watched fondly with Jim as the crew began to assemble; everyone had specific times they were supposed to arrive to take shuttles up to the ship, and the _Enterprise_ was set to depart from spacedock in three hours.

Jim chuckled amusedly watching McCoy make his way towards them, Joanna, still half asleep in her father's arms.

Spock and Uhura arrived together, which was no surprise as they had officially announced their relationship to the Admiralty and filed for a joint apartment at the Academy a few weeks ago.

Pavel and Sulu showed up a few minutes later, with Carol and April arriving shortly after that. Scotty was already on board, and Jim doubted his Chief Engineer had actually left the night before.

Finally, it was time for them to board their shuttle. Jim turned to the trio of Admirals. Jon and Richard shook his hand, making him promise to stay safe, before they stepped back and let Chris move in.

Chris had no compunctions about grasping Jim in a tight hug, and Jim was only too happy to return the gesture.

"You all stay safe up there," Chris admonished.

Jim nodded into Chris' shoulder. "Promise," he smiled slightly as he pulled back.

Chris clapped him on the shoulder, feeling both proud and concerned, as he watched Jim gather his bag and join the rest of his command crew on the shuttle. He felt like such a proud father, watching his son the Captain heading back to his ship. At the same time though, he knew how things could get out in the black, so of course, he worried for Jim's safety. He knew the kid could take care of himself, but that didn't stop him.

Looking around at the others who had come to see the _Enterprise_ crew off, Chris knew he wasn't alone. Other parents, spouses, siblings, and friends were crowding in the hangar giving tearful goodbyes. It would be several years before the ship would be back.

With a rueful smile, Chris turned around and headed outside. He would miss Jim, but he also knew how much Jim needed to be living amongst the stars. If anyone was born to Captain a starship, it was Jim Kirk.

**XXX**

"Captain on the Bridge!" Chekov called out as Jim stepped off the 'lift and made his way to his chair.

Jim smiled contentedly as the crew snapped to attention around him, just for a moment, before they got back to work. He had just spent the last nearly two hours doing last minute checks of each department, before making his way up to the Bridge for takeoff.

He opened up a shipwide comm. and leaned on his armrest as he spoke. "Welcome back, everyone. I trust you're all as eager to get going as I am." A few people on the Bridge chuckled in agreement. "We'll be underway in just a few minutes; all decks, prepare for launch."

Jim nodded at Sulu, who began running his last minute checks.

"Dock control reports ready, Captain," Uhura informed him.

Jim grinned. He was eager to get back out there. "Helm?"

Sulu's smile was nearly as wide. "Separating from spacedock, sir." He typed in a few more commands, working seamlessly with Chekov, as usual. "Cleared spacedock."

Jim leaned forward slightly. "Let's punch it, Sulu."

Sulu nodded, and pushed down the final lever. The ship jumped to warp.

"No parking brake this time?" Jim asked cheekily, once they were underway.

Sulu reddened briefly, as he turned in his seat and leveled a glare at his Captain and friend. He would never live that down, would he.

Jim shrugged good-naturedly, and then turned to Spock. "Commander, you have the mission brief?"

Spock stood up from his station and nodded. "Yes, Captain. At current speed, we should reach the Vulcan colony in eighteen point four hours."

Jim nodded. "Good." He glanced around the Bridge and began to explain their assignment. "This should just be a quick stopover. We've been tasked with bringing supplies to the Vulcan colony on P'Jem. We'll be spending three days in orbit, and all departments will function as normal."

Everyone nodded their understanding, and got back to work.

Everything was quiet as they made their way towards the Beta Quadrant and the new Vulcan colony that had been established after the destruction of their home planet a year earlier. P'Jem used to be a Vulcan monastery, that had been raided by Andorians several times, and had been abandoned years ago. The climate of the planet was suitable for Vulcans, and Jim and the _Enterprise_ had worked out an agreement between the Vulcans and Andorians, where the latter agreed to leave the planet alone. Everyone in the Federation was treating the Vulcans with respect and sympathy after what Nero had done, so it was relatively easy to get the Andorians to agree.

Soon enough, Alpha shift was over, and Jim was handing command off to Lieutenant Boylston, joining the rest of his command crew as they headed towards the mess to grab dinner.

McCoy and April joined them as they sat down at one of the larger tables towards the back of the mess, and a few minutes later, Jim waved Carol over as well. The blonde woman had spent the entire day in the labs in the science department, but she would begin working shifts on the Bridge soon. She had a unique combination of skills, between her science degrees and her specialization in advanced weaponry, and as such, could be of great use on the Bridge.

Carol's presence garnered several interested looks throughout the meal, from the command crew to various other crewmembers eating their own dinners, as more than one person questioned whether she and the Captain were dating yet, and if not, how long it would be. It seemed pretty obvious to Jim's friends that he was interested. And it seemed like Carol was as well, so what the hell was taking them so long?

The rest of the evening and the next day flew by, and before they knew it, they were arriving at P'Jem, and Jim was organizing for the supplies to be removed from cargo bay. Most of the ship would continue as normal for the next few days, with just a few teams going down to the surface – Security and Science officers who would unload the supplies, Jim, Spock, and Uhura.

Sarek was waiting for them when their shuttle landed, and greeted all three senior Starfleet officers courteously.

Jim smiled slightly at the elderly Vulcan. " _Greetings, Elder Sarek_ ," he said courteously.

Sarek inclined his head. " _Captain Kirk, I welcome you and your crew to our colony._ " He looked at his son and Uhura, standing just behind their Captain. " _Spock. Lieutenant._ "

Jim idly wondered if Sarek knew that his son and Uhura were dating. Given the way Sarek was observing the pair carefully, Jim thought he probably had an idea.

Sarek gestured behind him. " _Shall we proceed?_ "

Jim nodded, and turned to the officers who had just arrived on the second shuttle. "Begin unloading," he instructed.

Sarek motioned to two Vulcans standing a short distance away. "Arev and Denak will show you where to put the supplies."

The officers nodded and got to work, as Jim, Spock, and Uhura followed Sarek into the colony. This was the first time they had been to the colony since it had been installed, and the Starfleet officers were eager to see how things were progressing.

Sarek gave them a tour, ending at the New Vulcan Science Academy, a smallish building located in the heart of the colony.

Several other Elders were at the Science Academy when the quartet arrived, and greeted the newcomers stoically.

Jim, Spock, and Uhura were happy to get a tour of the facilities, as Sarek explained the strides they were making to reestablish as many aspects of their culture as possible. The first class of the new Academy had begun just a few months earlier, so there were Vulcans milling about and occupying many of the rooms that the group passed.

**XXX**

Jim didn't know whether or not he should feel relieved that they didn't run into the alternate Spock over the next few days. He knew the time traveler was around, but he never attempted to seek Jim out either, so the Captain decided not to let it bother him.

Spock spent more time on planet than anyone else, which wasn't surprising, considering his father was in residence. Jim returned a few times, but never for too long, and just to make sure that the Elders were able to request any additional supplies they needed, and that the ones they had delivered were being absorbed properly.

Three days later, the _Enterprise_ left orbit, heading for the Gamma Quadrant. Sometimes ship life could be rather dull, with them drifting with no real destination in mind. When they didn't have specific orders, they were free to explore as they wanted, as long as they stayed within mapped space, a condition that really rubbed Jim the wrong way. They were supposed to be out there in the unknown, seeing what lay beyond the borders of known space.

However, after Nero, and as the _Enterprise_ was still a relatively new ship, with a younger crew than most, Komack wanted them to stick around. Which meant sticking to places that had already been explored.

So Jim was doing the best he could with the restrictions; the Gamma Quadrant was less traveled than some of the other sectors, such as the Alpha and Beta Quadrants. And even within the constraints, there were still hundreds of planets out there that Starfleet had yet to discover, so it wasn't like they were completely sitting on their asses.

The next few weeks passed peacefully; they weren't in any rush, so there was no need to stress the engines.

With no mission, they were free to stop at any planet that they found interesting; map any system that intrigued them.

They flitted between worlds as the months passed by. From what Jim could tell, the crew was happy for the low tension and lack of official missions. They, like he, preferred exploration to specific objectives. He was happy to see the newcomers meshing well. The Cadets were adapting quickly to ship life, and Jim knew that he had chosen well with them. He had the option, after six months when their training was up and they officially received commissions, to request their reassignment, but Jim didn't think he would do that. Each and every one of them was proving every day why they had been at the top of their Tracks at the Academy. Of course, Jim thought Kevin was the best of all of them, but he was probably just biased in favor of the kid he had seen as something of a little brother, once upon a time. So if they wanted to stay on the _Enterprise_ once they received their commission, he had no problem with that.

April was also doing well in her new role. She seemed to subconsciously know how to handle every mood McCoy threw at her, and she was able to dish it back with interest.

Jim liked having her around; she was so much better than their previous doctor, who had been reassigned to a starbase, last time Jim had checked. April was highly competent, and even more important, loved living on a ship in a way Doctor Arada just hadn't. After a couple of months, it was as if she had always been a part of the _Enterprise_ crew. She got along great with the nurses, McCoy and M'Benga treated her as an equal, and she was good at making the crew members who came in for treatment feel both comforted and embarrassed at getting themselves hurt in the first place.

She was studying nonstop when she wasn't working, since there were quite a few classes she had to make up through the Academy. She and Jim had worked it out with the Admirals and a few key instructors that she would take the classes from a distance, and when the _Enterprise_ next stopped at Earth, she would take the necessary tests to graduate.

Their other new addition was also quickly adapting to her new home. Carol loved working on a ship. Sure, stationary labs on starbases and planets may have more opportunity for advancement, but she truly felt like she belonged out here in the stars.

She loved how Jim always made an effort to include her after shift and when they weren't working, but she wished he would be a little clearer about their relationship, or whatever it was going on between them. She was positive that he was flirting with her at times, and she gave it right back, so why wouldn't he make a move?

Even with the way the command crew would tease and make pointed comments, Jim just calmly denied everything. It was so frustrating!

The truth was, Jim was a little afraid. He didn't know how to describe what he felt whenever he thought about Carol, but it definitely wasn't like how he had felt about any other girl he had been with. And really, when it came to actual relationships, his list could be summed up with one name: Gaila. He was well practiced in the art of one night stands and casual dating, but he didn't really do serious. He wasn't good at it, and he was just thankful that he and Gaila had been able to remain friends afterwards. He had no idea how that had happened, but he wasn't questioning it.

He liked Carol. He could admit that, even if it was just in the comfort of his own mind. He was quickly coming to value her as a great friend, and he didn't want to jeopardize that. Which was why he denied everything whenever someone commented on how great they would be together. It was just too complicated.

It was several months into their journey when they began circling back around towards the Beta Quadrant. It was time for a shore leave soon, and Jim thought that if they managed to get back into the region, they'd be able to stop in the Rigel system. The whole crew would be thankful for that, with Rigel's beautiful scenery and better nightlife.

Gaila found him one evening after shift, as he was wedged into a Jeffries tube, trying to fix a slight issue Scotty had noted earlier in the day. Jim was off shift, but too wired to sleep, so he had decided to lend Engineering a hand. Scotty had taken one look at his keyed up expression, handed him a spanner, and told him to get to work.

Gaila smiled slightly at the sight; Jim was truly a great Captain. Most Captains wouldn't think about lending a hand in another department during their off hours. They would leave such issues to those whose job it was to fix them. But Jim wanted to help, wherever he could. And with his advanced understanding of Engineering, Scotty trusted him with the ship almost as much as the Chief Engineer trusted himself.

Gaila cleared her throat to announce her presence, and waited as Jim pulled himself out of the tube, looking to see who was behind him. He smiled widely at his ex-girlfriend. "Hey, Gaila. Did you need something?"

Gaila nodded, gesturing for him to climb down. "I wanted to talk to you, if you have a moment."

Jim frowned slightly, confused, but willingly climbed out of the tube and set the spanner down. "What's up?"

Gaila bit her lip, hoping Jim was in the mood where he wouldn't accuse her of insubordination for what she was about to say. "Jim, what's going on with you and Lieutenant Wallace?"

Jim blinked, surprised. "We're friends," he replied slowly. He wondered briefly if he was about to get some sort of 'jealous ex' speech, before dismissing the idea completely. He and Gaila were friends, and she would never get jealous over anyone he dated. Their break up was mutual, and jealousy really wasn't the Orion's style.

Gaila shook her head, exasperated. "It doesn't matter how many times either of you say it, it won't make it true."

Jim pursed his lips. "Gaila…"

Gaila rolled her eyes. "I know you want to believe that there's nothing there, but Jim, I can see it. So can all your other friends. You really like her, and she likes you. So what's the problem?"

Jim sighed, sinking down to the ground, leaning against the wall. "It's not that simple," he protested.

Gaila sat next to him, watching him knowingly. "Jim, I know what it's like to be afraid to commit. Remember how long it took for us to make it official? Neither of us was the kind of person to do serious relationships. That's why it was so easy, remember?"

Jim nodded slightly. "We understood each other."

Gaila smiled. "We didn't expect anything from each other. I know you've got something hiding in that dark past of yours, and I won't push or pry," she said quickly as Jim took a breath to argue. "We dated officially and unofficially for years. I know you. You never told me anything big, but part of why we understood each other so well is because we're so alike. Afraid to commit because experience has taught us that it won't last."

Gaila took a deep breath. "It's a fine philosophy in theory, Jim, but it's really just a great way to be alone. You don't have to stop being afraid, but you should let yourself be open to the possibilities. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you." She stood up and offered a hand, which Jim took willingly, using it and the wall to lever himself to his feet as well. "Just promise me you'll think about it?" she asked.

Jim nodded slightly. "I will."

Gaila smiled brightly. "Good. Now, it's way after your shift was supposed to be over, so I'd suggest you get the hell out of here and go get some sleep."

Jim blinked, taken aback, before he shook his head ruefully. "Aye, aye, Captain."

Gaila watched, hopeful, as Jim picked up the spanner and headed towards Scotty's office, probably to drag the Chief Engineer out with him. Both were supposed to be off shift hours ago, but she knew that Scotty was likely still working as well.

Jim had a lot to think about as he deposited the nearly asleep Chief Engineer outside his room, and continued on to the Captain's quarters. He heard what Gaila was trying to say, but his life was just such a mess. What right did he have to be dragging someone else into it?

_Maybe that should be her decision_ , a rebellious voice in the back of his head commented. Jim shook his head at the voice. Carol had no idea what she'd be getting herself into. Jim was a mess. He couldn't subject anyone else to that.

These thoughts swirling around his mind, Jim quickly changed and got into bed. Gaila was right that he had spent too much time in Engineering tonight – and for the last few nights, if he was being honest. Pretty much every time he had trouble sleeping, he'd find refuge in the bowels of the ship, working on some problem, or testing out ideas to improve performance. If he was lucky, he might be able to grab a couple hours sleep before he had to be on shift. Maybe he should call in sick tomorrow, he thought with a tired smile. He quickly vetoed that idea, as that was just a good way to get hypoed by Bones, and he'd rather avoid the doctor in any official capacity.

Try as he might though, he couldn't fall asleep. He kept replaying Gaila's words, and then replaying moments he had spent with Carol over the last few months. He thought back to the first day they had spent together, on that hike in San Francisco. When they had met at that bar. He imagined Carol's laugh, the way she would tuck her bright blonde hair behind her ear when she was nervous.

Jim growled and rolled over, pressing his face into his pillow. This wasn't helping anyone. He and Carol were friends, and that was it. That was all they could be.

He tried to convince himself. He almost convinced himself.

But sleep just wouldn't come.

**XXX**

The next day, still exhausted, Jim made the announcement that they would pass through the Rigel system in two weeks, and would stop for a scheduled shore leave, much to the entire ship's pleasure. Jim informed them that a schedule would be sent to their inboxes, to let them know of their leave time, and they would remain in orbit for three days, before moving on.

Down in Medbay, McCoy listened to the announcement with interest. Rigel was a great place to spend a day or week. It was known for its great bars and great entertainment.

April glanced over at him from where she was filling out paperwork, and smiled. "Looking forward to it?" she asked.

McCoy looked up, and shrugged, continuing to stock the cupboard he had been focused on before her interruption. "It's a good planet," he replied. "I'm sure Joanna's looking forward to getting off the ship for a while."

April raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you're talking about the right Joanna? The one who two weeks ago declared that she was never leaving space?"

McCoy growled. "Fine. Maybe I'm the one who wants to get off this tin can."

April chuckled, making her way over to the doctor so that they could talk without having to raise their voices too much. "You're telling me that in the last year and however many months it's been since you signed on as CMO, you haven't warmed up to this ship at all?"

McCoy shrugged, not willing to admit that she might have a point.

April didn't need him to say anything; the look he was wearing spoke volumes. "So do you have anything planned for this leave?"

McCoy sighed, finishing up with the cabinet and closing it. "Jo's teacher's been talking about taking the kids on some sort of field trip, the next time we dock at a planet. They'll still have school, or whatever it is that passes for it on the ship, so she'll probably be busy with that."

April smiled. "That sounds like a great experience. But I didn't ask what Joanna was going to be doing."

McCoy huffed. "I don't know. Maybe I'll check out a few bars. I'll have to see if Jim's got plans yet."

April thought it was interesting how McCoy immediately thought about Jim when planning shore leave. Those two were really great friends, the sort that would do anything for each other.

"What about you?" McCoy asked curiously.

April shook herself out of her thoughts, and set her PADD down. "Not sure yet," she admitted. "But I'll find something to do."

McCoy nodded slowly. "Well, if you find yourself bored, you're welcome to join me," the doctor invited hesitantly.

April smiled a thank you, and the two got back to work.

**XXX**

When Jim popped into Medbay a few hours later, he refrained from immediately interrupting the scene in front of him out of amusement. McCoy and April were bent over McCoy's desk, discussing what Jim's keen ears picked up as a recently released article on cell engineering. It was only the topic that showed Jim they were working; currently, the two were standing just a little too close to be completely professional.

He watched amusedly as April rolled her eyes at something McCoy said, shoved him lightly, and picked up a PADD sitting on the desk. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're just trying to make sure I have absolutely no life," she commented idly, before throwing the CMO a wink and exiting the office.

Jim nodded a greeting as April passed, as he made his presence known. McCoy glanced up and scowled. "I don't have time," he said brusquely.

Jim raised an eyebrow. "But you have time to flirt with your subordinates."

McCoy spluttered indignantly. "I'm not… I mean, April's not…"

Jim chuckled. "Come on, Bones, even Spock would be able to feel the sexual tension."

McCoy glared. "Just like with you and Carol," he threw back.

Jim's smile slipped from his face and he looked guarded. "That's different."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say. Is there an actual reason you're here, or is it just to annoy me?"

Relieved to get on a different topic, Jim quickly straightened in his seat. "Yeah, I need you to finish up the medical checkups before we dock at Rigel. If for any reason, someone can't beam down, I need to know before they try it."

McCoy nodded. "The last physicals are scheduled for tomorrow, so I'll have the reports sent to you as soon as I'm done."

Jim smiled and stood up. "Thanks, Bones. Dinner tonight?"

McCoy nodded again. "Yeah. Joanna's been complaining about not seeing her uncle enough, so you better be there."

Jim shrugged guiltily. "Sorry. I know I've been busy lately."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "You're the Captain, Jim. You don't have as much free time as the rest of us, and considering how much time I spend down here, that's really saying something. Jo knows that. She just misses you."

Jim smiled softly. "She's a great kid." He glanced at his watch. "I need to get back, but I'll see you both later." He paused at the door to the office and bit his lip. "You know, April's pretty important to me. There are very few people I'd trust with her. You should ask her out."

He was gone before McCoy could even work out what he was trying to say. When he did, he sat back in his seat, stunned. Jim didn't trust easily, and McCoy knew it hadn't been easy for him to say what he had. The doctor knew that April and Jim were close – however and whyever, he still had no idea, but they were practically like family, at least from the interactions Leonard had witnessed over the last few months. And Jim trusted him with a woman he saw as a sister. That was huge.

"Shit," he muttered, forcing himself to get back to work. It was all a moot point anyway. He wasn't dating April. They were friends, that was all. Right? Oh, who was he kidding, he knew that he liked her. But he couldn't afford to just think about himself. He had a daughter, and he couldn't just be dating every girl to cross his path.

_But this wasn't every girl_ , the rebellious part of his mind whispered. This was April. Brilliant doctor, kind hearted, she seemed to care for Joanna almost as much as Jim, from the times McCoy had seen those two interact. She wasn't just a passing girl. She was April.

McCoy growled and shook his head. He couldn't do this right now. Damn Jim for putting all these thoughts in his head. Couldn't the bastard have at least waited until he was off shift?

Forcing his mind to only focus on the report in front of him, McCoy got back to work.


	8. Chapter 8

The night before they arrived at Rigel, Jim found himself eating alone with April for dinner. Ever since they had left Earth, he had always had several people to dine with each night. Usually it was McCoy and Joanna, but many times Carol and the other members of the command crew would join in. But tonight, everyone else was busy, either working, or spending time with other friends on the ship.

April glanced at Jim as he let out a soft sigh, picking his way slowly through the pasta dish he had chosen for that evening. "Something on your mind?" she asked curiously.

Jim looked up, startled, and shook his head. "No, just looking forward to getting some time off."

April smiled. "Me, too. One of my friends from med school told me I should check out the Barros Inn. She said it was probably one of the wildest bars in the galaxy." She paused for a second and frowned slightly. "I'm not sure how great of a recommendation that is, come to think of it."

Jim laughed, and after a moment, April joined in.

"Do you have any set plans yet?" Jim asked when they both calmed down.

April shrugged, taking a bite of her salad. "Leonard invited me to join him if I got bored, but he also said he had to check with you to see if you had plans," she said once she swallowed.

Jim nearly smirked at hearing the potential offer. "You should go with Bones. I'll find something to do."

April narrowed her eyes. "Spit it out, Jim. If you have something to say, just say it."

Jim bit his lip. "It's just… I can see how much you guys like each other. You should ask him out."

April raised an eyebrow. "I could tell you the same thing."

Jim tilted his head to one side. "As much as I care for Bones, I can assure you, he's not my type."

He laughed as April growled and threw her roll at him. "You know what I meant," she said irritably. Jim calmed down slightly, and handed April her roll back. "I'm serious, Jim. Carol really likes you, and you like her. So I'm going to throw your own advice back at you. You should ask her out."

Jim stared at his pasta soberly. "It's not that simple," he argued, but April was fairly certain that at this point, he was just trying to make excuses.

April leaned forward, her earnest gaze seeking out Jim's own downcast one. "I'll make you a deal." Jim looked up at her, interested. April smiled slightly. "I'll go for it, if you will."

Jim pursed his lips, as April finished off her salad and collected her dishes. "Jim, I know you're hesitant, and I get it, but you deserve to be happy. As long as you're looking, you're always going to be able to come up with reasons to say no. Why can't you just tell that voice in your head to shut up, and take a leap of faith?"

April walked away, leaving him with that thought. Jim picked at his pasta for another minute, before he sighed and quickly finished off what was left. He wasn't really hungry anymore, but after Tarsus, he never wasted food.

Finished, he disposed of his dishes and quickly left the mess hall. If April could take a chance, he supposed he could as well.

**XXX**

Most of the command crew had their shore leave scheduled for the first day, with Scotty being the notable exception, as they needed to leave one senior officer on board, and Scotty had volunteered. Jim was fairly certain the man wouldn't be leaving Engineering at all, even when he was scheduled to go on shore leave, but he didn't say anything. Scotty was a grown man; he knew his limits.

After they docked above the planet, Jim officially dismissed the first rotation for their leave, and then followed his command crew to the officer's quarters, to change before heading down.

When he went to find Carol, the corridors were mostly silent, indicating that he was one of the last to begin his scheduled leave.

The conversation between the two officers was somewhat hesitant as they made their way to the transporter room. Jim wondered why it was so awkward now; it wasn't like they had never spent time together before.

Maybe because now they were both actually thinking of this as a date. Still, they tried to push past the self-consciousness as they beamed down to the planet and began walking along the main road through the city. Here was all they needed to keep themselves occupied; bars and shops lined the street, with what looked like most major species in the Federation being represented as shoppers and patrons.

Jim led Carol towards a nearby pub; it looked decent, and not too crowded. Plus, it offered them the chance to eat something, rather than simply sample every kind of alcoholic beverage known to the Federation – and a few that weren't.

As the evening progressed, the two were able to at least somewhat drop the unease, and found some common topics to discuss, such as the most recent discoveries in the science department, and the scenery around them. Ok, so it wasn't a large selection of topics to choose from, but they were trying.

When they finished eating, Carol led the way out of the pub, and towards some of the more colorful shops; Jim watched as she poked around, picking out a few trinkets to purchase. Jim himself didn't buy anything.

Finally, Carol pulled Jim towards some of the less crowded side streets; down one such street was a small park, little more than an expanse of greenery with a fountain in the center. She sat on the edge of the fountain and gestured for him to do the same. Looking up into his bright blue gaze, Carol found herself wondering what the hell they were doing. She liked him, and she thought he liked her – he did ask her out, after all – but it was so clear to her that he was holding himself back.

Jim bit his lip as the silence descended. The sounds of the crowd were muted this far away from the main street, and it was almost as if they were completely alone.

After a few minutes of silence, Carol sighed. "I like you, Jim." Jim made to speak, but Carol held up a hand. "Just let me finish." Jim nodded, confused, and Carol smiled slightly. "I like you, and sometimes I think you like me too, but then I can't really tell. You asked me out tonight, but can you tell me one real thing we've talked about all evening?"

Jim almost defended himself. They had talked about science. But that was work, he realized ruefully. This whole evening, they had talked about work, or other people in the crowds around them. Not once had they really talked about themselves.

Carol watched in silence until she saw that he understood what she was saying. "Jim, I want to see where this goes, but I can't tell if you feel the same way. We had a great time on Earth, I really thought I knew where we stood; but then I come on board, and all of a sudden, it's different. Was I wrong to accept this post?"

Jim shook his head quickly. "No." He swallowed. "Carol, I'm sorry. I know I'm sending out all kinds of crazy signals, or whatever it is you call it." Carol shoved him lightly, and Jim gave her a small smile. "I do like you. I just don't really do commitments, or serious anything." He looked down at his lap, his hands twisting nervously until Carol reached out and rested one of her own lightly on top of his. Jim sighed. "I don't know how to trust people," he admitted softly. "I learned the hard way that people are going to let you down, so it's better not to give them the chance."

Carol furrowed her brow. "What about your command crew? It seems like you trust them."

Jim shrugged. "I guess. But everything has limits. I probably trust them more than most people, but it's just hard for me to open up to people. It's not you, I swear."

Carol bit her lip. This was the furthest she had ever really gotten with him, and she didn't know how to respond. What did someone say to that? Finally, she squeezed his hands gently. "Would you be willing to try?" Jim glanced at her, raising an eyebrow, and Carol smiled. "Can you just tell me one thing no one else knows? It doesn't have to be anything big. Just tell me something."

Jim pursed his lips, thinking about the request. What Carol was asking wasn't really that big a deal, but for some reason, it seemed insurmountable.

Carol waited in silence for several minutes, hoping that her nudge wasn't too hard. She really thought Jim would be willing to try, but maybe she had been mistaken.

Finally, Jim looked up, he eyes bright with some unknown revelation. He smiled comfortingly and nodded slightly. Carol was right, he realized. If he wanted something more, he had to be willing to step outside his comfort zone. Yes, his life had taught him never to trust, and to always expect the worst, but all that really led to was a lifetime of loneliness. Sure, he had friends in his command crew, and Chris, Jon, Richard, and Shay were there if he needed them, but he still didn't really let them in. He always felt superficial, and almost disappointed, with his friends. Like he was hiding a part of himself away, and not one of them noticed, or cared to try and find that missing piece. Which was unfair to all of them, he knew; it wasn't like he ever gave any hints or anything.

If he wanted to change, he'd have to make an effort. He couldn't expect everyone else to do all the work.

Jim bit his lip, considering Carol's request. What could he tell her? After another minute of silence, he shrugged one shoulder. "My favorite season is winter," he told her softly, hesitantly. "I hate the heat."

Carol raised an eyebrow, feeling incredible joy that Jim had made that step. "How did you survive California in the summer then?" she asked curiously.

Jim snorted. "I didn't really have anywhere else to go. Besides, surfing."

Carol laughed lightly. "Well, I've never tried it, so I can't speak to that, but I'll trust you." She tilted her head to the side. "What's your favorite part of winter?"

Jim's smile grew reminiscent as he thought about some of his few good childhood memories. "I grew up in Iowa," he said softly. "I love the snow. I remember this one year, I must have just been five or so. My brother Sam and I spent the whole day having a snowball fight. We were soaked by the time we went inside." He tilted his head to the side. "We both ended up with pretty bad colds if I remember correctly, but it was so worth it."

Carol smiled, taking pleasure in Jim's obvious happiness at the reminder of that time. She didn't know that Jim had a brother, and wondered where he was. When people talked about the Kirk family, for some reason they never mentioned George Kirk's other son. She wondered why that was.

Jim let out a soft sigh. "I don't have too many memories like that from growing up," he admitted. "We got in a lot of trouble for tracking water through the house that evening. But it was still a great day."

Carol leaned into his side. "Thank you for telling me." They lapsed into silence for another few minutes, before Carol suddenly spoke up. "I'm allergic to peanuts."

Jim looked at her, confused. Carol shrugged, sitting up slightly. "You told me something about you, so I thought it's only fair I share as well."

Jim raised an eyebrow, and laughed quietly. "I am, too," he informed her.

Carol joined in his laughter.

After a minute, they calmed down, and began to make their way back to the beam up point.

They were mostly silent as they walked through the quiet halls of the _Enterprise_ , and it wasn't until Jim dropped Carol off at her door that he broke the easy calm. "I do like you," he admitted abruptly. Carol looked at him questioningly. Jim bit his lip. "I like you, Carol. A lot. But as I said, I'm not good at this."

Carol stood on her toes and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. She pulled back and smiled. "We don't have to rush anything. Let's just leave it at this. I had a nice time tonight. Thank you for the wonderful evening."

Jim grinned and leaned down to give her a quick kiss. "I had a good time as well. I'll see you tomorrow."

Carol nodded and entered her passcode to let herself into her room.

Jim waited until the door had closed, before he made his way towards his own quarters.

**XXX**

Jim spent most of the next day badgering McCoy in Medbay, at least until the grumpy doctor had enough and informed April and Nurse Chapel that he would be working from his quarters, and to comm. him if they needed anything. Since all he really had to do was paperwork, McCoy knew he could get away with it.

Jim followed him to his room, asking questions about the older man's evening, and if they had done anything fun.

McCoy glared at him as he took a seat at his desk. "Don't you have a job to do?" he asked grumpily.

Jim threw himself across the doctor's couch. "We're docked at a peaceful planet, one third of the crew isn't in residence at the moment, and we're not doing any major upgrades. I've got some free time."

McCoy's glare intensified. "I don't. Get lost."

Jim grinned. "Come on, Bones. You just took April out on a date. The least you could do is tell me how it went."

McCoy turned back to his PADD. "How was your date with Carol?"

Jim spluttered for a moment, sitting up quickly.

McCoy smirked. "Not so fun, is it."

Jim looked away, his expression contemplative. "It was fine," he said softly.

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "That's all you're giving me? I thought we were best friends."

Jim shrugged. "I had a good time, she had a good time. We had dinner, talked, I dropped her off at her door like a perfect gentleman."

McCoy pursed his lips, trying to read between the lines. "Anything you want to talk about?" he asked carefully, knowing the likelihood that Jim would just shut him down.

Sure enough, Jim shook his head quickly. "Really, we had a good time. So, what about you?"

McCoy shrugged, turning back to his work. "It went well. April's pretty great."

Jim couldn't help but notice the soft smile that adorned the doctor's face as he thought about his colleague.

After a moment, McCoy glanced up and scowled. "My love life is none of your business," he growled.

Jim shook his head. "We're friends, Bones. It's always going to be my business. Besides," he stood up, "April's like my sister, which means if you hurt her, they won't even find your body."

He left quickly, and McCoy stared at the closed door for a full minute before he shook himself off and returned to his work. Jim was his best friend, and he knew the younger man had a protective streak a mile wide, but he had never heard him so serious before. He had no doubt that Jim was speaking the truth. If McCoy ever hurt April, there would be no safe place to hide. Not that he was thinking about hurting her. He really liked the woman; they had had a great time sightseeing yesterday. It had been so easy with her, talking about anything and everything. His only hold up was Joanna. How would she feel about her daddy dating? Would she understand? She liked April well enough, but would that continue if she wasn't just a 'friend of daddy's' anymore?

Knowing that he wouldn't solve anything by worrying about it, McCoy forced himself not to think about personal issues; he was on duty, and he had a lot of paperwork to complete.

**XXX**

A couple days later, they left orbit. A new mission came in shortly before they departed, so Jim ordered Chekov to set a course for Setlik III. According to Komack, the planet had sent out a distress signal, and the Admiralty was concerned, given the proximity to the nearby Cardassian Union. While relations between the Federation and the Cardassians weren't as stilted and tense as with the Klingons or Romulans, the two were not exactly on good terms, so Komack told Jim to hurry.

Pushing the ship, they could reach the planet in less than eighteen hours, so Jim told Sulu to punch it, and they were on their way.

The ship was quiet in a state of preparedness as everyone was briefed on the situation. They were ready for whatever they might find when they dropped out of warp.

"Sir, our scans are picking up an approaching ship," Chekov informed Jim shortly before they were due to arrive at Setlik III.

Jim straightened in his seat. "Details?"

Chekov focused on the panel in front of him, reading the scans. "It appears to be a smaller scout ship. Not of Federation make. Cardassian, maybe? It's the only ship on our radar, Captain."

Jim stood up and joined Chekov at the helm. He read the scan readout over the Navigator's shoulder and nodded in agreement. " _Hideki_ class. The call sign is _Gum Bokter_. That's Cardassian all right. It means Red Victory. Smugglers, probably." He returned to his seat, but didn't sit down, merely resting his weight on the arm of the chair while ignoring the incredulous looks around him, no doubt people wondering how the hell he knew Cardassian. "Most Cardassian ships are designed to work as a group. The _Hideki_ class is used mostly for border patrol, since they have a limited offensive range. Sulu, drop out of warp." He didn't wait for the pilot to confirm, knowing that he would do it immediately, and instead turned to face Uhura. "Lieutenant, have you been able to establish contact with Setlik?"

Uhura shook her head. "No, sir. It seems that something has knocked out their communications array. I'm still working on it, but if the issue is on their end, there's little we can do from here."

Jim nodded. "Understood."

Spock stood up from his post and moved to stand behind the Captain's chair. "Captain, if this ship originated from Cardassian space, they are in violation of the treaty. Protocol dictates that we inform Starfleet of the situation, and request additional orders."

Jim didn't speak for another moment, before he straightened up and looked back at the Communications station. "Uhura, contact the Cardassian ship. Tell them we have them in our sights, and order them to yield."

Spock almost frowned. "Sir –"

Jim cut him off. "That ship isn't coming from Cardassian space, Spock, but it's heading there. We don't have much time."

Uhura turned in her seat. "I'm not getting a response from the ship, sir. I believe they're ignoring us."

Jim nearly smirked. "Shocking," he drawled. "Smugglers not wanting to surrender. Give me an open channel, Lieutenant." He waited for Uhura's nod. "Cardassian ship _Gum Bokter_ , this is James T. Kirk of the _USS Enterprise_. You are trespassing in Federation space. If you do not cut your engines immediately, we will consider it an act of war and open fire."

Jim fell silent and waited. It was less than a minute before Uhura called out, "Sir, they're transmitting a white flag." A white flag was the universal call sign for surrender. Jim nodded, pleased. A moment later, they saw the evidence for themselves, as the small ship appeared on the view screen.

Jim almost allowed himself a smile, but then Chekov spoke. "They're locking weapons."

Before Jim could issue any orders, the small ship fired. Everyone on the Bridge held on as the _Enterprise_ rocked and several people fell out of their seats.

"Status," Jim barked as he used his chair to pull himself back to his feet. He quickly blinked some blood out of his eyes, feeling the slow trickle come from a cut on his forehead, likely from where his head had hit the armrest of his chair as he had fallen to the floor. But there was a more immediate problem for him to worry about right now, so he put it out of his mind.

"Shields holding steady at seventy percent," Chekov informed him.

Weapons systems unaffected and ready," Carol called out.

Jim nodded. "Knock out their weapons, Lieutenant."

Carol immediately complied; everyone watched as the ship on the view screen rocked with the force of the hits.

"Their weapons systems are offline, Captain," Carol said, a hint of satisfaction clear in her voice at the perfectly executed shot.

Jim smiled slightly. "Lieutenant Uhura, open another channel." The Communications Officer complied immediately. " _Gum Bokter_ , your weapons are offline. At this time we will accept nothing less than your immediate surrender. Do not push us."

"Sir, they're preparing to jump to retreat," Chekov said quickly.

"Fire a warning shot," Jim ordered. "Don't hit the ship."

Carol complied, firing a shot that just barely grazed the top of the ship.

"They're powering down," Chekov grinned, turning in his seat to look at Jim. He faltered slightly at seeing the blood running from an open wound on the Captain's forehead, but the older man looked to be in good health otherwise, which reassured the teenager.

Jim nodded. "Spock, take a security detail over, find out what our friends are hiding. My guess is that the distress call Setlik sent out was for this. Find out what this crew took from the planet, and we'll see about returning it. Get the crew to the brig, and then we'll contact the Admiralty and drop these criminals off at the nearest Starbase."

Spock inclined his head mutely, and left the Bridge.

Once he was gone, Jim turned around and focused on the crew around him, thinking about what else needed to be done. "Injuries?"

Uhura fiddled with her equipment. "Doctor McCoy has reported several dozen crewmembers making their way to Medbay for minor wounds. He's reporting no serious injuries at this time."

Jim nodded sharply. "Good. Anyone here who needs medical attention, get to it."

"What about you?" Chekov asked softly, as three crewmembers left their seats and headed towards the 'lift.

Jim shrugged, swiping at the small cut above his eyebrow, and then wiping the blood off on his pants. "It's not serious. I'll go down when Spock comes back."

It was clear that quite a few people were not happy with that, but no one contradicted him, as most of them returned to their stations, running diagnostics and noting anything that needed to be fixed.

Jim leaned against the armrest to his chair and opened a comm. to Scotty to get a damage report.

The Engineer assured him that nothing critical was damaged, and he could have the ship completely fixed in less than a day. It wouldn't impede them at all. Jim hadn't expected anything less, but it was good to be certain.

Spock returned a short while later, while Jim was speaking with Sulu and Chekov about plotting a course to Setlik, and Jim immediately broke off to speak with the Commander.

"We found thirty-two Federation citizens in holding cells on board," Spock reported concisely. "Security has escorted them to Medical."

Jim started to nod, but stopped at the headache that accompanied the motion, reminding him of the hit to the head he had taken earlier. He didn't think the injury was still bleeding, but he probably should get it checked out soon.

"The crew?"

"Taken to the brig, Captain," Spock assured. "They were a mix of Cardassian and smugglers. Shall I inform the Admiralty of the situation?"

Jim was about to tell Spock he'd handle it, when he paused and tilted his head to the side. Letting out a short breath of air, he wilted slightly. "I suppose you should, Commander. I have a feeling I'll be otherwise occupied."

He turned around to see McCoy standing there, his ever-present scowl etched on his face.

The doctor glared. "Why the hell aren't you in Medical?" he groused, immediately holding up his tricorder to do a scan.

Jim rolled his eyes and turned away, much to McCoy's consternation. "Sulu, Chekov, get us to Setlik. Uhura, keep trying to establish contact with the planet, let them know we're on our way, if you can." He sighed and turned back to Spock. "Go ahead and inform the Admiralty, Spock. I'll be in Medical if anyone needs me."

Glancing around the room, he realized that McCoy hadn't come up on a whim. He hadn't been surprised at Jim's injury, which meant someone had contacted him. He rolled his eyes again at his overprotective crew. It wasn't like he hadn't had worse. He didn't think he even had a concussion from this!

But, he had to admit that it probably looked worse than it was, especially to someone without any medical training. Head wounds tended to bleed a lot.

With one last look at the Bridge, Jim let himself be dragged into the 'lift by the doctor, listening with only half an ear to the muttered insults.

"It's really not as bad as it looks," he tried to appease the older man, but it only resulted in a pointed glare and the doctor dragging him out of the 'lift and nearly throwing him onto the nearest empty biobed.

McCoy's scowl remained firmly in place as he began running scans on the Captain. However, Jim considered himself versed enough in the Doctor's moods to tell the exact moment when McCoy realized that Jim was actually right. It wasn't a major difference, but the scowl became slightly less pronounced, and some of the worry left his eyes.

Finally, McCoy glanced up to see Jim watching him knowingly. He huffed and threw a towel at the younger man. "Clean yourself up," he barked. "I don't need you bleeding all over my Medbay."

Jim chuckled lightly as he dabbed the towel around the small gash on his forehead. McCoy left briefly, returning less than a minute later with a dermal regenerator. When Jim lowered the towel, he began to set it up. "This won't take long," he assured the Captain. "And you're going to sit here until I'm finished. Got it?"

Jim opened his mouth to respond, when a loud shout cut off all conversation.

"Uncle Jim!" Joanna was like a bullet, hurtling out of the CMO's office and towards the biobed the Captain occupied.

Jim grinned roguishly. "Hey, Jo Jo," he held out his hands for the girl to jump into, which she did with only a little help from her father.

"The whole ship rocked and everything went on lockdown," Joanna babbled, tears in her eyes. "We couldn't leave the classroom, and all the lights were red."

Jim looked up and locked gazes with McCoy for a moment. When they had begun hosting children on board, Jim had worked with Scotty and the Admirals to outfit the classroom accordingly. It was where the kids all spent their days, and if there were any situations like what they had just faced, they needed to be protected. The Captain, CMO, or teacher could throw the room into lockdown, protecting the kids from anyone entering until the situation had passed.

Still, it would have been terrifying for the kids, so Jim just hugged Joanna closer. "I'm fine," he assured her. "Everyone's fine. You should have seen your Uncle Jim up there. I totally kicked a – butt," he amended, with a quick glance at the Doctor standing in front of him.

Joanna laughed wetly, tears still running down her face. She let Jim wipe them away as McCoy placed the dermal regenerator and began the process of closing the wound on his forehead.

Joanna settled into Jim's chest, hugging him with all the strength a six-year-old could muster.

McCoy watched them fondly; he liked seeing Jim and Joanna interact. Jim was so good with her, and she looked up to him like he was the most amazing thing since sliced bread. Jim was like her hero, and McCoy couldn't begrudge him that, even if it was a little grating to realize that he was no longer the single most important man in his daughter's life.

"She was really scared," the Doctor commented softly, noting the evening out of Joanna's breath, indicating that she was likely falling asleep, exhausted after all the excitement. "Her family was up there on the Bridge and she didn't know what was going on." McCoy sighed, shaking his head minutely. "You're her uncle, Jim, so you better make damn sure you take care of yourself. I am not going to tell that girl that your stupidity and recklessness landed you in serious trouble."

Jim bit his lip, looking down at the girl in his arms. "I know," he admitted. "But I really didn't do anything wrong," he protested. "It's not like it's my fault Cardassian smugglers decided to raid a Federation planet!"

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Doesn't matter. You just take care of yourself. I don't like seeing you hurt, any more than she does," he nodded at Joanna.

Jim thought about saying something in his defense, but decided it wasn't worth it, so he just nodded and settled back to wait for the dermal regenerator to finish.

The doors to the Medbay swished open, and both Captain and Doctor looked up to see Carol quickly winding her way through the many patients currently set up around the large room. All of the rescued prisoners were still milling around, though Security was already working on removing those who had no need for medical attention to an empty Observation Deck, until they arrived at Setlik in a couple of hours.

Carol was clearly holding back tears as she reached Jim and grasped his free hand – the one not currently being used to steady Joanna and ensure she didn't fall.

McCoy carefully kept his face neutral as he assured the woman that Jim would survive. "Kid's got a hard head," he commented. "No real damage. He's free to go as soon as the dermal regenerator finishes. Maybe half an hour or so. He'll probably have a headache, but it's not serious."

Carol nodded and sniffed. Wisely, McCoy decided to leave them alone, and went to go help April and M'Benga sort through the liberated prisoners.

Jim smiled softly, squeezing her hand gently. "I'm fine," he promised. "Really. This doesn't even list in the top hundred injuries I've ever had."

Carol rolled her eyes. "That's not exactly reassuring." She shook herself off and sighed. "I'm sorry for acting like such a baby over this. I just saw the blood, and…" Against her will, she sniffed again.

Jim nodded understandingly. "It's OK." He grinned. "I kind of like that you were worried over me."

Carol slapped his arm gently, careful not to disturb the sleeping child in his arms. "Of course I was," she admonished. "You were covered in blood!"

Jim shook his head. "I was not covered," he protested. "And head wounds always look worse than they are."

"But they can also be tricky," McCoy reappeared, immediately moving in to fiddle with the dermal regenerator attached to Jim's head. "Which is why you should always get them checked out as soon as possible."

Jim rolled his eyes good-naturedly, but didn't interrupt as the Doctor made a few adjustments and set the device back up. "Just another twenty minutes or so."

"No scar?" Jim asked cheekily, knowing McCoy's proclivity for defending his skills when called into question.

Predictably, the Doctor huffed and growled. "Don't insult me, infant. I am perfectly capable of dealing with a little scratch like this. You didn't even need painkillers."

Carol frowned as Jim laughed. "No painkillers? Even if it was a small injury, doesn't it hurt to have the dermal regenerator fix the wound?"

Jim glanced at McCoy, and then shook his head. "It's not that bad," he assured her. "I'm allergic to most of the common painkillers, so Bones doesn't like to give me any of the few I can actually handle unless I really need it. Which means it has to rate at least a four before he'll consider it, and a five before I'll actually let him do it."

McCoy slapped him lightly. "In normal people speak, that's a seven out of ten. This idiot has a higher threshold than us mere mortals."

"And this?" Carol queried hesitantly.

Jim grinned. "Solid one. Seriously, it really isn't that big a deal. I just hit the chair the wrong way on the way down."

Carol nodded dubiously. "Well, if you're sure."

McCoy grumbled. "I think I know my own trade. The infant's fine. You should get back to the Bridge though. Jim'll be back up in half an hour, tops."

He left them alone again, and Jim reached out to rub Carol's arm comfortingly. "Hey, I promise I'm really fine."

Carol smiled weakly. "I know. I'm sorry, it's just the first time I've actually seen you get hurt, and it scared me."

Jim nodded understandingly. "I get it." He paused for a moment and then sighed. "I know what you want, but I can't promise that I'll never get hurt again. We have a dangerous job, and there are no guarantees. However, I can promise that I will always do my best to survive."

Carol sniffed and let her smile grow. "I have a feeling you're good at that."

Jim nodded again. "True."

Carol wiped her eyes and pulled back. "I know things can get dangerous on the job. I would never presume to believe that you can keep yourself from getting injured. It's just not possible and you're not the kind of person to play it safe. It's a quality I quite admire about you." She blushed slightly, but continued. "It's not perfect, but I'll live with your promise, and I will make you the same one in return."

Jim smiled. "So we're agreed then." He held out the hand not wrapped around Joanna. Carol shook it, shaking her head fondly.

"I'll see you back on the Bridge, Jim," the young woman said, leaning in to hug him gently, and then rubbing Joanna's back soothingly. The little girl looked so adorable, snuggled into Jim's chest. It made her wonder suddenly if Jim had ever thought about having kids. She tried to hide her blush as she beat a hasty retreat, nearly running to the 'lift.


	9. Chapter 9

True to his word, Jim reappeared on the Bridge half an hour later, with a vivid bruise on his forehead the only indication of his previous injury. Spock stood up immediately upon his entry, and moved to stand at a rest position directly behind the Captain's chair.

Uhura glanced at Jim out of the corner of her eye as he settled back into his chair. "Are you sure McCoy cleared you for duty?" she asked archly, knowing that the Captain had a habit of escaping Medbay far earlier than the doctor would have liked.

Jim grinned at her cheekily. "When have you ever known me to go against doctor's orders, Lieutenant?"

Uhura knew she wasn't the only one rolling their eyes at that statement. It had only taken a few months into their mission after the _Narada_ incident for the crew to realize that Jim had both a natural talent for getting into trouble, and an uncanny ability to piss McCoy off by escaping Medbay before the doctor cleared him.

Jim shrugged good-naturedly, knowing what they were thinking.

Spock cleared his throat. "I believe the Lieutenant was merely indicating your propensity for disregarding Doctor McCoy's instructions, Captain," he stated calmly.

Jim held a hand to his chest. "You wound me, Spock," he said dramatically. Several officers had to cover their smiles. "How could you think so little of me? I have always listened to our esteemed Chief Medical Officer."

Spock inclined his head stoically. "Indeed."

Jim nearly snorted. And people said Vulcans had no sense of humor. Even an idiot could have picked up on the sarcasm in that one word.

Glancing at his First Officer, Jim made a tactical decision not to respond. He knew he would lose. And judging from the look in the Vulcan's eye, he knew it as well.

Jim cleared his throat. "So, where are we?" he asked, turning his attention to Sulu and Chekov.

The Pilot and Navigator hid their smiles as they assured Jim that the _Enterprise_ would reach Setlik within the hour.

Jim was glad that they could get all of this sorted out by the end of the day, and levered himself out of his chair with an inaudible groan. Even if the injury he had sustained had been minor, he had taken a rather hard fall when the Cardassian ship had fired on them.

He turned around to face Spock. "I assume you contacted the Admiralty and informed them of the situation?" he asked.

Spock nodded. "Yes, sir. Admiral Komack instructed us to return the captured citizens to Setlik III. He expects your report as soon as you are able."

Jim barely refrained from rolling his eyes. "I'm sure he does," he muttered under his breath.

Spock nearly pursed his lips in thought, or perhaps confusion. He considered briefly leaving the conversation as it was, but something compelled him to add, "The Admiral did appear to be vexed that he was not able to speak with you directly."

Jim let out a half laugh but didn't elaborate. Of course Komack would be annoyed that they had already begun the trek to Setlik, and had taken charge of the crew of the _Gum Bokter_ , taking the initiative and making the logical steps on their own, without consulting him first. And he'd be even more annoyed that he hadn't had the opportunity to take out his frustrations on Jim directly. "I will contact the Admiral after we reach Setlik."

Spock inclined his head. "Of course, Captain. The crew of the _Gum Bokter_ is currently residing in the brig. Admiral Komack instructed us to release them to the custody of the nearest starbase once we conclude at Setlik III. The Cardassian ship is secured in shuttle bay."

Jim nodded and settled back down, as the next hour passed quietly. McCoy commed the Bridge when they were nearly there, and informed the Captain that all of the rescued citizens were in good health and there was no need for further medical attention for any of them.

Jim was relieved to hear it. He hadn't thought there were any serious injuries amongst the thirty-two rescued prisoners, but it was good to have that verified.

Within fifteen minutes, they were dropping out of warp above the planet Setlik III. The view from the screen showed a planet covered by clouds. A few flickers amongst the swirling white mass indicated lightning activity. Possible issues with the transporters then, Jim mused. Even as high tech as transporters were, they could still go to pieces awfully quickly.

A quick comm. to Scotty confirmed Jim's thoughts. They would need to take shuttles down to the surface.

Jim stood up. "Lieutenant Uhura, did you manage to contact the planet? I'd hate for our rescue to fail in its final stage because the colony thought we were hostile and shot us out of the sky as we tried to return their citizens."

Uhura grimaced slightly. "That would not be ideal. Unfortunately, the planet's communications system still hasn't come back online. I'm transmitting universal peace messages on all frequencies, just in case they can pick up incoming calls."

Jim pursed his lips, thinking. "Good. Spock, you're with me. Sulu, you have the con. Uhura, tell Doctor McCoy to meet us in the shuttle bay and inform Security to bring the rescued citizens."

Uhura nodded quickly. "Yes, sir."

Jim and Spock left the Bridge, making their way down to the shuttle bay where they met up with McCoy and the thirty-two prisoners they had liberated from the Cardassian ship.

Jim smiled brightly at the crowd. "We haven't been introduced yet. I'm Jim Kirk, Captain of the _Enterprise_."

One of the men in front stepped forward. "Thank you, Captain, for your help. Those assholes would have sold us as slaves as soon as we crossed the border to Cardassian space."

Jim's smile dimmed minutely, but he nodded readily. "Well, let's just be glad that didn't happen. We're going to get you all back to your homes safe and sound." He paused briefly, and then continued, "We've been unable to contact the planet's surface, so we haven't been able to inform anyone down there of the situation."

The man nodded. "They knocked out the communications array first, and we don't really have many engineers or technicians amongst our colony, so it's possible they haven't been able to fix it yet."

Jim tilted his head to the side, and then pulled out his comm., sending Scotty a request to come down to the planet with them. Putting the device away, he refocused his attention on the citizens in front of him. "I've just asked my Chief Engineer to join us. He should be able to fix your communications in no time."

The man smiled in thanks, and Jim began directing them into shuttles.

It took two shuttles to hold all of them, and the man Jim had been speaking with assured Jim that they didn't have any long-range phasers that would knock them out of the sky before they had a chance to land and explain.

**XXX**

They landed in a field designated for spacecraft, just a short distance away from the main town. The colony itself was small, roughly five thousand people. It was set up with one city and outlying homesteads.

Because of the size, it was only logical that their arrival was met with what had to be at least a third of the colony. Standing in front, gripping phasers tightly, were a trio of adults who appeared to be in charge.

Jim disembarked first, his hands held up in a peaceful manner. "I'm Captain James Kirk, of the _USS Enterprise_ ," he greeted. The people relaxed only slightly. "We recently came across something I think belongs to you."

There were several cries in the crowd as the freed prisoners began to exit the shuttles. Some ran towards the crowd, others had some of the crowd running towards them. Jim knew that many families must have been torn apart by the Cardassian ship.

The trio of adults in front stepped forward, putting their phasers away. "Thank you, Captain, for your assistance," the woman said gratefully. "I am Kara. These are my colleagues Horace and Bertram. Together, we run the colony." She shook Jim's hand firmly.

Jim smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you. This is my First Officer, Commander Spock. My CMO, Doctor McCoy, and my Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Scott. We've been trying to contact you since we intercepted the Cardassian ship, with no response. We assumed your communications array was knocked out, which your citizens confirmed before we came down here. Mr. Scott is here to fix it."

Kara beamed gratefully. "Thank you so much, Captain," she repeated. "We're not a well-armed colony. We have put forward requests several times for a security-manned space station, due to our proximity to the Cardassian Union, but Starfleet felt that the threat wasn't big enough to warrant building and staffing the station."

Jim nodded in understanding. "We are very sorry for what has happened here," he assured her. "I can understand the desire to have more security; however, it is quite an expensive endeavor. I will be making a report to Admiral Komack shortly, and I will recommend Starfleet place an outpost here, at the very least. I know this isn't the first time the Cardassians have raided Setlik III."

Kara exhaled, relieved. "Thank you again, Captain. And you're right, this isn't the first time, just the most devastating."

Jim thought he understood why, as he turned to speak with a few family members who wanted to thank him personally. Scotty wandered off with a guide to go take a look at the communications array, while McCoy was kept busy reassuring everyone that the rescued prisoners were in good health.

The _Narada_ incident had shaken everyone up, not just the Federation. The Klingons and the Cardassians were testing their borders. Even the Ferengi had been venturing beyond their own space with more frequency than normal. Nero had struck a hard blow to the Federation with his attack. He had simultaneously wiped out one of the founding races of the Federation, as well as most of the third and fourth year Cadets in Starfleet.

Starfleet had been weakened, and everyone knew it. So now they were testing the limits, to see what they could get away with. Like raiding a Federation colony and kidnapping nearly three dozen citizens to sell into slavery.

It infuriated Jim, but the only thing they could do was keep putting their faces out there. Letting people know that Starfleet was still operating, that the Federation was still strong. Yes, they had lost much when Nero had attacked, but they weren't broken. And with time, they would recover.

**XXX**

True to Jim's estimation, it took Scotty less than two hours to fix the colony's communications. Kara and the other leaders thanked Jim and his crew several more times, before they boarded the shuttles back to the _Enterprise_ once more.

"Not a bad end to the day," Jim commented idly as the pilot glided the shuttle into the bay.

McCoy glared at him, while Scotty nodded and Spock just stared impassively ahead. Jim sighed.

McCoy glanced over and smirked as he slapped the back of Jim's head lightly, as the shuttle landed with a gentle thump.

Jim winced dramatically. "Jesus Bones, don't know you know I hit my head earlier?"

McCoy rolled his eyes. "If you're really feeling that ill, I'm sure we can head up to Medical. I might need to keep you overnight though."

He rolled his eyes as Jim predictably backpedaled. "You know, I'm suddenly feeling much better." He beat a hasty retreat as the shuttle doors opened. "Alpha shift's over," he called back to the others. "See you tomorrow!" If anyone asked later, he definitely was _not_ running away from his CMO, though McCoy would tell a different story. He was simply walking very quickly, as he headed back up to his Ready Room to contact Komack for an update, before going off shift.

McCoy snorted. "Infant," he grumbled. Scotty was grinning amusedly as the Doctor gave him and Spock a halfhearted wave as he hurried off to pick up Joanna. The young girl had been loath to let him and Jim out of her sight after what had happened earlier, but had consented to let Jim return to the Bridge once the dermal regenerator had finished its work, only if she could stay in her daddy's office for the rest of the day. Christine Chapel had offered to watch her when McCoy went down to the planet, and since Alpha shift was indeed over, it was likely McCoy would find the two in the mess.

**XXX**

Late that night found Jim and Carol cuddling on Jim's bed, hands entwined as the blanket bunched up beneath them. Carol knew she should head back to her own room soon, but she was too comfortable to move.

Jim smiled sleepily at her, knowing what she was thinking. "You could stay here," he offered.

Carol rolled her eyes. "And what would people say about that?" she asked archly. "This is a starship, Jim. The walls have eyes and ears, and I'm convinced that if the crew stopped gossiping, those walls would fall down without the wind to hold them up."

Jim snorted. She was right, and he knew it.

Carol idly twirled the edge of the blanket around one finger. "Jim, what are we?" Jim raised an eyebrow, but before he could speak, Carol was talking again, the words tumbling out of her mouth at nearly warp speed. "I mean, I know we said we were going to take it slow, and see what happens, and I really like spending time with you. But I just don't know where we're going, and that scares me. I'm a scientist, I need to know facts. And –"

Jim cut her off abruptly, leaning in to kiss her. Pulling back, he smiled gently. "I know," he said softly. "You like your facts. I'm the same way. I like to know where I stand with people. So what do you want?"

Carol bit her lip. "I really like you, Jim. And I want to see where this goes. I think we could have something. But… I just worry about…"

Jim nodded knowingly. "You're worried about Starfleet and Command."

Carol shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know it's complicated, because you're the Captain."

Jim squeezed her hand comfortingly. "It's not quite as frowned upon as most people think," he told her. Carol looked up, the question clear in her eyes. Jim smiled. "Look at Spock and Uhura. They've been together since the Academy, though if you ask for the official story, it didn't happen until after graduation." Carol rolled her eyes. Of course no one would want it known that Spock had engaged in a sexual relationship with a Cadet while he had been an instructor.

Jim sighed. "The only real issues revolve around relationships where one of the participants is a direct superior. It's tricky because I'm the Captain, and therefore, everyone on this ship reports to me, but it's not impossible. Uhura reports to me, not Spock, so there are no problems there. And there are a surprising number of relationships on board."

Carol turned slightly so that she was facing him directly, propping herself up on one arm. "So where exactly does that leave us?"

Jim sat up. "Technically, you report to Spock. Like I said, being Captain makes things more difficult , but Spock, as the Chief Science Officer, is your direct superior." He looked down at his lap uncertainly. "If you… I mean, if you want to make it official, at least with the crew, Spock would take over your reviews and performance evaluations." He looked back at Carol. "At some point, we would need to clear it with Command, but I'm a little hesitant to go that far until we know for certain that this will work. Does that upset you?"

Carol sat up as well, smiling as she took Jim's hand in hers. "Not at all," she assured him. "I don't want to announce it to everyone and then have it not work out. Besides," she glanced away, her jaw clenching tightly, "if we told Command, my father would find out, and I just… he's far too fond of attempting to control my life. I don't want him to try and mess this up."

Jim nodded. "Then we tell Spock? We keep it on ship for the time being, and reevaluate at a later date?"

Carol chuckled. "How very scientific, Captain."

Jim kissed her gently. "Well, I am a scientist at heart."

Carol pulled back after a minute, her gaze worried. "Are you sure we won't have any issues? I don't want everyone on the ship gossiping, or believing that I only got my position because I'm sleeping with the Captain."

Jim sighed. "I won't lie, there will probably be some rumors like that. That's just life. But I doubt most will look at it that way. You've been on this ship for several months now, you've made friends who wouldn't think that." He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "To be perfectly honest, I'd place good money on most of the ship already knowing about us." Carol thought about arguing, but she knew he was more than likely correct. "We just continue to do our jobs to the best of our ability, and the rest will follow."

Carol smiled, feeling better at Jim's steady calm. She leaned forward and captured his mouth with her own. When they pulled apart a minute later, both were breathing heavily. Carol wrapped her arms around Jim's neck. "How is it you always know what to say?" she asked, her eyes flashing with amusement. Jim shrugged, his own bright blue gaze twinkling. Carol tilted her head to the side. "But I'm still not spending the night."

Jim pulled away, startled, until he saw Carol's grin. He frowned. "Minx." He gave her one last kiss. "It's late, you should get going."

Carol nodded and crawled out of the bed, having to untangle her legs from the blanket.

Jim walked her to the door, where they lingered for a long moment. He reached up and gently brushed her hair behind one ear. "I'm not promising this is going to be easy," he said quietly. "God knows we've got all the odds stacked against us. With our jobs, and then there's me and my inability to let anyone in." Carol made a sound of protest, but Jim shook his head. "I know what I am, Carol, and I know you know it as well. How long did it take me to pull my head out of my ass and agree to give this a shot?" Carol sighed and nodded reluctantly. Jim smiled. "I don't trust easily. I don't share my feelings, and I'm stubborn as hell. But if you're willing to deal with all of that, well, who am I to disagree?"

Carol lightly slapped his chest, but she was smiling. "You don't give yourself enough credit," she admonished. "So do we really need to say it in explicit terms?"

"What, exclusive?" Jim asked curiously. Carol nodded slightly, her eyes a little worried though her expression was calm. Jim grasped her hand tightly. "You're the only woman I want to see," he assured her. "I might not be the best at relationships, but when I date someone, I don't mess around."

"Haven't you only had one girlfriend before?" Carol reminded him.

Jim shrugged. "One serious one, yes. I'm not a monk, but I'm not in the habit of sleeping around, despite my reputation. I think people labeled me like that because I was dating Gaila, and as a whole, people are far too judgmental of the Orion race. But everyone I get involved with knows where I stand."

Carol nodded understandingly. "I'm sorry if it feels like I'm making you say all this out of some need to prove to me you're serious. I didn't mean it like that."

Jim leaned in, giving her a light kiss on the forehead. "You like your facts," he repeated softly, pulling back. "I think we both needed to hear it."

Carol smiled, standing up on her toes to kiss him. "Have I mentioned lately how amazing you are?" Jim mock-preened, and Carol pulled back, rolling her eyes. "Now I really need to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

She left quickly, knowing that if she stayed any longer, she would give in to temptation and stay with Jim for the rest of the night. And even if they had made the decision to solidify their exclusive relationship, they still didn't want it known all over the ship before Alpha shift the next morning, which was what would happen, if she spent the night.

**XXX**

Besides a quiet conversation between Jim and Spock before shift the next morning, the couple made no real mention of the change in their relationship. Spock was understanding, and agreed to take the lead on any of Carol's performance reviews or – should it be necessary – any disciplinary action. He approved of Jim's forethought, and cautioned him against keeping it from the Admiralty for long, but allowed the couple their obscurity for the time being. When Jim explained their reasons for keeping it from Command, the Vulcan acquiesced, recognizing the truth to the Captain's words.

Even if they didn't say anything to anyone else, Jim's command crew was far from stupid. It took McCoy about a day and a half to figure it out, but Jim was able to deflect his teasing by asking the doctor how things were going with April. While McCoy was spluttering denials, Jim was able to escape the inquisition.

After three days of Uhura noting the increased frequency of Jim hovering around Carol on the Bridge, leaning over her shoulder or touching her arm covertly, the Communications Officer knew that the two had finally gotten over whatever block had been stopping them before. She was happy for them. Carol was a great person, and Jim deserved to be happy. Even if it had upset her when he and Gaila had broken up, she knew that Carol fit better than her former roommate. Gaila had tried, harder than she ever had, to remain faithful, and she had been successful for several years. But the Orion just wasn't that kind of girl, or maybe Jim wasn't the right guy, and so they had broken it off, choosing to preserve their friendship rather than end up resenting each other in the future. And they were still good friends, which made Uhura happy.

So the Communications officer would wait for Jim and Carol to tell her, but she didn't think they were fooling anyone in their attempt to keep it a secret.

It took Sulu and Chekov a little longer, but the pair finally clued in when they saw the two cuddled together on a couch in the main rec room a week after Jim's conversation with Spock. They backed out immediately, and managed to contain their smiles until they reached the mess hall.

The only reason Scotty was the last to know was because the Chief Engineer was rarely seen by the rest of the command crew; he spent most of his time in the bowels of the ship, and only occasionally resurfaced to reassure the others that he was still alive.

Still, when he caught Carol and Jim at dinner one evening, sitting far too close to be entirely platonic, it was hard to come up with any other explanation. Chekov and Sulu, standing next to him, confirmed his thoughts with knowing smirks, as they all headed to grab trays of food.

Jim and Carol knew that people were figuring it out. It wasn't like they were hiding it, after all. But other than being on the receiving end of a few more stares than normal, it didn't really interfere with day-to-day life. Yes, Carol was getting tired of the whispers, but the Captain was always a hot topic for gossip, and with a Captain as good looking and popular as Jim, the Science officer knew that the entire ship was paying attention to his love life. Especially considering the – mostly fabricated – reputation he had had back at the Academy. It was amusing for them to see the man in a committed relationship.

Thankfully, none of Carol's concerns came about; no one glared at her accusingly, and she heard no rumors about how she had gotten her position by screwing the Captain. If anything, people were looking at her with more admiration than usual. On a starship that spent most of its time in space with its residents acting as more of a small city than anything else, the significant other of the Captain – the leader – merited more attention than if they were all stationed back on Earth. Essentially, Carol could be seen as something like the First Lady.

Especially with a crew as close knit as the _Enterprise_ was. Jim had been more concerned with someone mentioning something to a friend or a relative, and then having the news reach Command's ears before he had a chance to formally announce it – something he and Carol were loath to do just yet.

But thankfully, the crew recognized that their Captain wasn't ready to share just yet, and no one said anything. They loved their Captain. They would protect him with every last breath, and that included keeping their knowledge of his new relationship with Lieutenant Wallace to themselves.

So life passed quietly in the weeks that followed their rescue mission. The crew of the _Enterprise_ had learned early on in their mission that serving on board a starship was really long bouts of boredom and quiet work, only occasionally interrupted by excitement and craziness.

Other than the Captain's new relationship, the only real fire fueling the gossip mill was the will-they-or-won't-they drama between Doctors McCoy and Vanderbilt. McCoy still vehemently denied anything, but April always responded to inquiries with a wink and a smirk.

There was also that rumor that Chekov and Sulu were having a torrid love affair in the botany labs after hours, but no one could actually confirm it.

In other words, everything was normal. Or as normal as life on a starship could get. For the most part. Carol was bemused to notice a definite increase in invitations from the command crew to spend time after shift together. She would say it was just that she had become good friends with them over the last few months, but she knew it was more because she was dating someone they all considered to be family. She suspected they wanted to vet her or something, to make sure she was worthy of the Captain's affections.

Uhura vetoed that idea when Carol flippantly suggested it one evening, the Communications officer laughing prettily in a way that drew more than one lustful eye across the mess hall where they were currently eating dinner.

"That's not it at all," she assured the other woman easily. "I want to spend time with you because I like you. You're a good friend, Carol, and I have a feeling you're here to stay, so I want to know you better." Carol looked down, embarrassed. Uhura set her bottle of water down and leaned forward. "Carol, Jim doesn't let people in easily. The fact that he's committed to a relationship with you says a lot. So if he's that serious about you, then you're important to us."

"Us?" Carol asked curiously.

Uhura nodded. "The command crew. We're a family. You're a part of that now."

Carol swallowed. It sounded so serious and intense when put that way. She felt a sudden weight descend, demanding she live up to the role placed upon her. Uhura smiled gently, as if knowing what the Science officer was thinking, and Carol shook her head slightly. "So how are things going with you and Spock?"

The Communications officer shrugged, taking a bite of her salad. "Well," she replied succinctly. "Spock and I have been together for a while. Our relationship has settled into that level where we understand each other, without having to work too hard."

Carol tilted her head to the side, interested. "How did that happen?" she queried. "Jim said you got together at the Academy, but kept it quiet until after you graduated."

Uhura nodded ruefully. "It wouldn't have looked good," she admitted. "Spock was an instructor and I was a Cadet. Even though we waited until he wasn't _my_ instructor anymore before we went on our first date. Command doesn't like to see that kind of fraternization." She sighed fondly. "I still remember Jim threatening Spock if he ever hurt me."

Carol raised an eyebrow. "He did what?"

Uhura grinned. "Not directly," she amended. "He and my roommate Gaila had just started dating officially, so I threatened him. Well, I tried to," she said, shaking her head at the memory. "He just got so…" she sighed. "He told me how great it was that Gaila had people who cared about her. And then he told me that if Spock ever hurt me, he'd hurt him."

Carol snorted, and Uhura laughed. "Yeah, I know. I doubt he would actually do anything physically, but it was still a nice sentiment. And I know that if I had needed him, he would have been there in a heartbeat." She pursed her lips and amended, "that shouldn't be in the past tense. Jim would do anything for his friends, and I have never doubted that if I ever need him, he will drop everything to be there."

"So you and Jim met at the Academy?" Carol asked curiously. "I've heard bits and pieces of stories that involve all of you, but I don't really know much about how you all met. You seem so much closer than a normal command crew."

Uhura nodded thoughtfully. "I guess that's because we are," she agreed. "And it goes beyond that whole disaster with Nero. We've all known each other since the Academy or before. I mean, Jim and Chekov have known each other since Pavel was eight. I met Jim right before he enlisted."

"Yeah?" Carol was really curious. It was so amazing to see the way this command crew supported their Captain. They were like one unit, each one anticipating what was needed, and working to complete an overall goal seamlessly without needing instruction.

Uhura smiled fondly. "A training exercise I was on was headed back to San Francisco when our shuttle malfunctioned. We set down for the night at the Riverside shipyard. Admiral Pike – well, he was a Captain at the time – allowed us to have the evening for ourselves, so most of us headed to the local bar."

Carol furrowed her brow. "And Jim was there?"

Uhura nodded slightly, though her expression was a little overcast as she remembered the last time she had been in Riverside. "I didn't know who he was at the time. He just said he was in town to check on the _Enterprise_ 's progress. He was consulting on the flagship's warp core design. I was fascinated; I mean, he was just a year or so older than me, and had already completed a master's degree and was working to design Starfleet's future. His model is now being used in all Constellation Class starships and from what I can glean from him – which isn't much, that man really doesn't like to talk about himself," she rolled her eyes, but her voice was amused, "he's still an auxiliary member of Starfleet's design team, and he's working to improve and upgrade the model for the future."

Carol blinked slowly. He had briefly touched on the subject when they had first met, but not in much detail. "He failed to mention all of that to me," she said archly.

Uhura snorted. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me. Anyway, he tried some cheesy pick up line with me, but I could tell that he wasn't really looking for a hook up, so I thought I'd amuse him. We were actually having a good time, before one of my idiotic classmates interrupted." She paused and pursed her lips. "I probably shouldn't talk about him like that. Cadet Garth was on the _Farragut_ last year. But, and I hate myself for saying this, I don't think anyone really misses him. He spent his entire tenure at the Academy trying to sleep with half of San Francisco. He had a reputation for being pushy and refusing to leave a woman alone when she told him she wasn't interested."

Carol frowned. "Did he ever –"

Uhura grimaced. "I don't know. If he did, I didn't hear anything. But he refused to hear the word no with me that night, so Jim stepped in. Admiral Pike broke the fight up a few minutes later, and next thing I know, Jim is sitting down on that shuttle headed to San Francisco."

"Just like that?" Carol was stunned. Everything Uhura was telling her fit with what she knew of Jim's character, but it was still amazing to hear about how he had stood up for a girl he barely knew, and then apparently decided to just enlist in Starfleet on a whim.

Uhura nodded. "Jim's always struck me as a live in the moment kind of guy. I think he enlisted because Pike talked him into it, but he didn't put too much thought into it beforehand."

Carol pursed her lips. "He told me that Admiral Pike dared him."

Uhura stared at the woman for a moment, before snorting. "Yeah, that sounds like Jim." She picked up her empty plate and stood up. Carol followed her actions, and the two made their way to the waste receptacle. "Jim's like a brother to me. I don't always get why he does what he does, but I love him all the same. You might be good for him, but mark my words, Carol," she paused to throw her trash away, and then turned to face the Science officer, "you hurt him, and I will end you."

Carol blinked, startled.

Uhura smiled slightly to take the bite out of her words. "Jim's good at taking care of himself most of the time, but sometimes he needs us to watch his back. Even if he doesn't realize it." She glanced at her watch. "I'm meeting Spock in a few minutes, but I'm glad we had this talk. Welcome to the family, Carol."

The blonde watched Uhura walk away, still stunned at the sudden change in attitude. Finally, she shook herself off and left the mess hall.

**XXX**

Interestingly, Carol found herself having similar conversations with other members of the command crew over the next couple of weeks.

Scotty's went a little something like, " _Yer a good lass, Carol, glad to have you with us. You take good care of my friend or I'll jettison you out an air lock. Hand me that spanner, would'ya?_ "

McCoy was a little less subtle, but he got his point across fairly easily, what with the heart attack-inducing glare and the " _I know how to kill you and make it look like an accident_." If it hadn't been so disconcerting, Carol might have found some amusement in the number of talking to's she had gotten; wasn't it usually the guy who got the 'hurt her and we kill you' speech? Carol supposed it only spoke more to Jim's character, that his friends were so intent on making sure she didn't break his heart. Not that she was planning on it, but still.

Sulu and Chekov decided to tag team it, and practically kidnapped her one evening after supper, cajoling her into monitoring their chess match; apparently, whenever they tried to play, one always ended up accusing the other of cheating.

The conversation started off innocently, with Sulu and Carol bonding over some new scientific articles that had recently been published. After about half an hour, Carol began to realize that neither man sitting next to her really cared about what was going on with the game in front of them, and they abandoned the pretense, moving the conversation more to their pasts, and getting to know each other as friends.

Sulu grinned eagerly when Carol asked about how he and Jim had met. Uhura had mentioned that the command crew had known each other for years, and she was curious. "I was seventeen," he told her, pushing the chessboard away, wondering absentmindedly why he and Chekov even bothered. Sure, Chekov knew how to play, but the kid had never really spent much time studying the game; and Sulu just agreed to the games to amuse the younger man. "Jim must have been about fifteen at the time. Some idiot dropped in on my wave, and he and his friends took offense when I called him on it. Jim helped diffuse the situation. Three on one odds, I didn't really like my chances, so I was glad to have the help."

Carol raised an eyebrow. "Seems like he's good at helping out, like that. Nyota told me about how they met."

Sulu nodded. "Yeah, Jim's always good to have at your back."

Carol bit her lip in consideration. "So you've really known him for a while."

Sulu smiled. "Well, Pav met him first, but I like to think I'm the runner up."

The Russian grinned widely. "He was visiting Russia, and helped me when I got separated from my parents."

Carol chuckled lightly. "Yeah, Nyota said you've known him for over ten years now? That's pretty awesome."

Pavel kept grinning. "He's like a big brother. A lot of kids teased me in school because I was so advanced, but Jim was always there to help me. He told me that one day they'd all be working for me, and they'd regret the way they treated me."

Carol laughed. "That sounds like Jim."

Pavel nodded, his curls bouncing with the movement. "We kept in touch. I sent him questions about theories and equations, and he would give me clues to figure it out myself."

"That sounds like him as well," Carol replied, still smiling.

Sulu shook his head fondly. "Yeah, Jim's really good at leading without being overbearing. You can see it in the way he Captains the ship."

Carol tilted her head to the side. "I know what you mean. He really is an amazing Captain. I'm very impressed with the way the crew follows him."

Sulu leaned forward in his seat, expression serious. "Jim's not just a Captain to us, Carol. We're a family. Jim doesn't want to just be the guy in charge, because we live together; we see each other day in and day out, for months and years on end. He wants to be someone that people can come to when they have issues, or if they need to talk. We follow him because he's already proven that we can trust him. Right from the start, he proved how far he would go for us. Hell, he jumped off a drill two thousand meters in the air on the off chance that he might be able to save my life."

Carol winced at the visual. Of course she knew the stories; she had heard it all, from her father, from the news outlets, from various colleagues. And then when that hadn't been enough, she had read all the reports she could get her hands on.

Sulu leaned back and smiled. "And it's not just my story. Jim didn't need to jump off a drill for everyone, he sure as hell didn't have to do it for me. But he hangs out in the rec room after shift, he eats meals with different members of the crew – from the command crew right down to the Ensigns and Crewmembers. He always has time for anyone who needs it. He's got this amazing ability to be a superior, a big brother, and a friend all at the same time. I have no idea where he learned it, but he's good at taking care of people."

Pavel glanced away uneasily, hoping that no one questioned him on his silence at the turn this conversation had taken. He had a pretty good idea where Jim had learned how to lead, and he really didn't want to share.

Fortunately, Carol and Sulu seemed to realize that they were essentially talking about Jim behind his back, and shifted the conversation to other topics.


	10. Chapter 10

Jim was getting really frustrated. And for once, it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

It was physically painful for him to watch two of his best friends circle around each other, neither one having the guts to just go for it already.

It was so obvious to everyone that McCoy and April liked each other. But when he tried to talk to each of them, both just shut him down and denied everything.

Jim was pretty smart, and he knew that both doctors were scared, but hadn't they each told him that that wasn't a good reason not to try? So really, they were just being hypocrites.

The truth was, McCoy thought as he ruefully recalled a rather awkward conversation between him and the Captain, he wanted to take that leap. He hadn't felt this way for anyone since Jocelyn, and it terrified him. Plus, it wasn't just him. He had to think about Joanna. His daughter would always come first.

A flying monkey drew the doctor out of his thoughts abruptly as it impacted with the side of his head. He shook himself off and picked up the stuffed animal, handing it back to a beaming Joanna with a smile. "Just making sure I was paying attention?" he asked jokingly.

Joanna's smile widened, showing a front tooth she had just lost a few days earlier. "You were staring at the wall, daddy. For like, an hour!"

McCoy refrained from rolling his eyes. "It wasn't that long," he said dryly. "I only just picked you up from school ten minutes ago."

Joanna did not have the same restraint, and rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "It was still a long time, daddy. You look worried. Is everything all right? Is Uncle Jim OK?"

McCoy frowned. "Why would you think he's not?"

Joanna grinned. "Because usually when you're worried it's 'cause he's done something stupid."

McCoy chuckled. "Can't argue with that," he muttered. Taking a deep breath, the doctor led Joanna over to the sofa. There were some perks to being the CMO, including living quarters that were nearly as large as the Captain's, with a separate living room.

Joanna sat down next to her father and looked up at him with wide eyes. "Daddy, what's going on?"

Leonard bit his lip as he tried to organize his thoughts. "Jo, you know I love you, more than anything, right?"

Joanna's lower lip quivered. "Are you going somewhere daddy?"

Leonard shook his head quickly. "No, of course not, Jo. You know I'll always be there for you. Even when you don't want me to be."

"Why would I want that?"

Almost against his will, Leonard found himself smiling. "Remember that in a few years, all right?" Joanna looked confused, so McCoy shook his head and focused on the conversation he was intending to have. "What do you think of April?"

Joanna smiled. "She's really nice. Nicer even than mommy. And she likes to play!"

Leonard chuckled. "You know that she and I are really good friends, yeah?" Joanna nodded. "Jo, what would you think about me dating her?"

Joanna furrowed her brow. "Dating?"

McCoy nodded. "Like if I asked her to have dinner with me."

"But we've had dinner together before." Joanna was still confused.

Leonard sighed, trying to figure out how to explain this. "Jo, you know how two people see each other alone, to decide if they want to spend the rest of their lives together?"

Joanna tilted her head to the side. "Like when you and mommy lived together? But she said you decided you didn't want to live with her. And then she wanted to live with someone else, but they didn't want me." She looked down at her lap.

McCoy quickly gave her a hug. "Did your mom tell you that?" he asked, trying not to sound as furious as he felt. Even if it was true, Jocelyn had no right telling their daughter that she didn't want her.

Joanna nodded guiltily. "She said that she was getting a new husband, and they didn't want kids running around messing everything up."

Leonard let out a low growl. "She shouldn't have said that to you, Jo. But don't worry about her, because I will always want you running around. You've got a whole family here who loves you."

Joanna looked up, beaming. "I know. You and Uncle Jim love me. And so does Pav-Pav, and 'Ru, and Ny-Ny, and Kev, and Monty, and April, and Carol. Uncle Jim said that even Mr. Spock likes having me around. Even if he doesn't show it."

Leonard chuckled at his daughter's nicknames. When she had first come on board as a five-year-old, she hadn't been able to pronounce some of their names, so she had come up with shorter versions. Even nearly two years later, those nicknames had stuck.

Their extended family seemed to be ever growing. In the beginning, it had really just been the command crew, but April, Carol, and Kevin had meshed easily and firmly, and were quickly becoming a part of that ship family that he so relied on. Kevin was a great babysitter, though Leonard wasn't sure if he really wanted to leave the Ensign alone with his daughter again. The last time the kid had looked after Joanna, McCoy had returned to find them staging the Romulan conflict of 2151 in their living quarters. Using pillows. And whipped cream.

Shaking himself off, Leonard realized his daughter was waiting for him to respond, so he nodded. "Yeah, Jo. We've got a great family here. We all love you to the Andromeda Galaxy and back. And that will never change. What I want to know is if it's all right with you if I spend some time alone with April from time to time."

"To see if you want to live together?" Joanna asked.

Leonard smiled slightly. "Yeah."

"So would she be my new mommy?"

Leonard bit his lip. "I don't know yet, sweetie. Can I spend some more time getting to know her, and then we'll talk with her together and see what she says?"

Joanna nodded eagerly. "I want her to be my new mommy. She's really nice." She looked down at her lap again. "If you spend time with her does that mean you won't spend time with me anymore?"

Leonard shook his head quickly, tilting her head up with gentle fingers to make sure she was looking at him. "Of course not, honey. You always come first to me, and you always will."

Joanna nodded again, slower this time. "All right," she agreed, giving her father a hug. She hopped off the couch and looked at him expectantly. "Well, go spend time with her," she grinned. "Then April can move in with us and be my new mommy."

Leonard sighed, but dutifully stood up. "How about we go get some dinner together, just you and me, and I'll ask her out this weekend."

Joanna pondered that for a moment. "Can we get ice cream?"

Leonard laughed lightly and held out his hand. Joanna grasped onto it and the two headed for the door. "Sounds good to me."

**XXX**

McCoy finally caught up with April a few days later, and drew her into a secluded corner of Medbay. It was a slow day, so he didn't feel guilty about neglecting any official duties.

April was confused as she watched the doctor try to speak several times, but unable to get any words out. "What's going on, Len?"

Leonard took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "April, would you like to have dinner this weekend?"

April tilted her head to the side. "We have dinner together all the time, Len. Why are you so worried?"

Leonard bit his lip. "I mean, like a date. An official date."

April blinked, startled. "Oh." She felt stupid, first for misunderstanding, and then for her less-than-eloquent response.

McCoy, uncomfortable with the silence, hurried to speak. "I mean, I like you, and I know we've hung out before, but I just thought… I just… I want to get to know you better, and…"

April smiled slightly, finding it endearing, the way he was so nervous. "I'd love to go out with you, Len. I like you, too. Just promise me something."

Leonard nodded slowly. "Sure."

April took a deep breath. "Can we take it slow? I do like you, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for anything serious."

McCoy nodded again, this time more quickly. "I'd like that too. I've got a daughter to think about, and she's always going to come first." He stopped abruptly, hoping that April wouldn't be offended by that.

April beamed. "That's what makes you such a great father. It's easy to see how much that little girl loves you."

McCoy sighed, relieved. "Thanks."

They would have continued talking, but the doors to Medbay swished open at that moment, and an Ensign from Engineering staggered in, mumbling something about an exploding console.

The two doctors returned to work.

**XXX**

Carol had known that there were certain concessions she would need to make, when she and Jim became an official couple. She knew that Jim's time wouldn't always belong to her, even when they were off duty. But that didn't mean she didn't feel some minor annoyance when their evenings got interrupted by some officer asking about an experiment in the science labs, or their next mission. Jim always answered all questions courteously, and it was easy to see how well he connected with each member of the crew.

Watching a pair of Ensigns leave, heads together as they discussed the suggestion Jim had just given them regarding a wall they had hit in the science department earlier in the shift, Carol couldn't help but smile fondly as Jim immediately turned back to his meal. "It's really rather remarkable," she commented idly, taking a bite of her salad.

Jim glanced at her, confused. "What is?" he asked curiously.

Carol shook her head exasperatedly. "You honestly don't see it, do you." Even with the phrasing, it wasn't really a question.

Jim furrowed his brow. "What are you taking about?"

Carol felt herself rolling her eyes. "Jim, it's not normal."

"What's not?" Jim was really lost now.

Carol smiled slightly. "The way this crew interacts. The way your crew looks to you. Most Captains don't inspire such loyalty."

Jim frowned. "I really don't know what you're trying to say. I'm the Captain, and the crew treats me as such."

Carol sighed, patting his hand comfortingly. "I hate to break it to you, Jim, but your crew treats you as so much more than just a Captain." Seeing that Jim still didn't understand, the young Lieutenant withdrew her hand and went back to her salad. She speared a few pieces of lettuce on her fork, and contemplated the food for a moment. "You're more than a superior. Your crew would follow you to the edges of the universe and back. They come to you for advice, for help, to share good and bad news. You're a leader, a commander, a friend, a brother. You inspire loyalty and respect. That's not something many Captains manage to achieve." Seeing that Jim was about to protest, Carol quickly continued. "Sure, most Captains treated with respect by their crew, but that's because of the title, not the person. Not many Captains have a crew that would throw themselves on a fire for them. Your entire crew has kept our relationship a secret just because we don't want Command to know yet. You didn't even ask them to do that. They do it because they want you to be happy. When they speak with and about you, they speak with true respect, and not just because of the number of stripes on your shoulder, but because they honestly believe in you."

Jim was speechless. Carol, sensing he needed some time to process, went back to her salad.

It was several minutes later that Jim pushed his empty plate away, his eyes resting on the dirty dishes rather than his girlfriend sitting across from him. "I really don't know why they're so willing to follow me," he admitted. "I mean, you're not the first person to mention that; I just…" he shrugged, his cheeks coloring slightly. "I guess I'm just not used to that kind of non-dysfunctional relationship. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons growing up, and one of those was that there was nothing special about me. So I guess I just don't see why other people don't realize that."

"Because it's not true," Carol cut in quickly, reaching out to grasp one of his hands gently. She could see immediately how much he regretted bringing it up, but she had to contradict him. It wasn't true, and she could only hope that one day, he would understand that. "I know you don't like to talk about it, and I'm not trying to push you. But please try to understand how wrong it was for you to be taught that. You're amazing Jim. We can all see that, and I just hope that with time, you'll be able to see it too."

Jim glanced away, and Carol sighed softly. "I won't force the issue. If you want to talk about it, I will always be here to listen, but I won't make you. I can promise, however, that nothing you say will force me away."

Jim looked back at her, his gaze sharp and filled with an emotion that Carol couldn't name. "Don't make promises you can't keep," he said quietly, picking up his tray and standing up. "I'll see you later."

Carol watched him walk away, stunned. Did he really think she would leave? Was whatever it was really bad enough that he honestly thought she wouldn't want to be with him if she found out?

Feeling something like regret and anguish bubble its way up from her stomach to her throat, Carol quickly gathered her empty dishes and headed towards the waste receptacle. If she was going to start crying, she sure as hell didn't want to do it in the middle of the mess hall.

She knew that Jim had issues. He had admitted as much when they finally committed to an exclusive relationship, but it had been pretty obvious beforehand, as well. But the idea that whatever it was, was so bad that Jim was honest to God afraid to tell her… what kind of childhood had he had? He had been taught from a young age that he was a nobody… what kind of parents would…

Her thought process came to an abrupt halt as she remembered who his parents were. Who his father had been. Jim never talked about it, and he was so down to Earth and determined to succeed or fail on his own merits, that it was easy to forget the fame the Kirk name garnered. She had grown up in a Starfleet household, just like Jim. Her mother worked in London at one of Starfleet's satellite campuses, and of course, her father was a high ranking Admiral. She knew what that pressure could do to a child.

But she had had both parents, and her mother had always been around, to tuck her in at night, to wipe away the tears and tell her how proud she was. Jim's father had been killed moments after his birth.

For his entire childhood, Jim would have been compared to the famous Captain who had sacrificed his own life to save eight hundred others. By Starfleet personnel, by civilians… Hadn't his mother ever told him that it didn't matter what he did, she would always love him? Somehow, Carol doubted it. She didn't know where Mrs. Kirk was now, but if what she knew of Jim was any indication, the woman probably hadn't been around much when Jim was growing up. So who had raised him? It seemed only too obvious that George Kirk's death had splintered the family, and Jim had been left blowing in the wind, forced to take care of himself far earlier than he should have been.

Carol knew that loss could change a person. Maybe Mrs. Kirk had been so damaged by the death of her husband, she had forgotten about the child she still had… children she still had – Jim had mentioned his brother once, though Carol still hadn't found too many references of the older Kirk when it came to reporting about that family over the last couple of decades.

It definitely wasn't right, and Carol knew she would be up half the night crying for the little boy who probably spent years wondering what was so wrong with him that even his own mother hated him.

She steadfastly avoided everyone on her way back to her quarters.

**XXX**

As the crew flitted from system to system, life settled into a peaceful rhythm. It was remarkable for Carol to realize that she had been on board for nearly ten months, and yet, it was true.

After that rather awkward conversation, Carol kept her word and didn't bring it up with Jim again. The Captain was grateful. He wished he could just talk to her, but he didn't want her to leave, and he was sure that if she knew everything, she would. How could she not?

Jim knew that he kept himself hidden behind a mask most of the time; it was the way he had always lived, and he was comfortable like that. Well, not comfortable, but used to it. He had friends, but even his closest friends were kept at arm's length most of the time. April and Pavel were probably the two who had gotten the furthest past that façade, and that was just because they already knew several of his secrets. He felt more comfortable with Kevin as well, but Kev had been so young on Tarsus, and Jim had always felt like a protector with him, so his first instinct was to shield Kevin from anything bad.

He was trying, with the others and with Carol, but it was hard to undo a lifetime of learning, a lifetime of building this persona of a content, strong, capable leader with no issues, who had never had a bad thing happen to him in his life. Most people would marvel at how well-rounded he turned out, considering the circumstances of his birth. But Jim was good at hiding and pretending. Most of the time, it was pretty easy, too.

And then he met Carol, and all of a sudden, it wasn't enough. He struggled to hold onto the fake Jim, but Carol just wormed her way through, seeing him more clearly than anyone else had ever cared to before.

It made Jim consider, briefly, actually telling her the truth. But self-preservation always wins out, and he was too afraid of losing her. He convinced himself that it was better this way. She would never have to know.

He almost believed it, too.

**XXX**

There were many perks to being Captain. In particular, when it came to scheduling. While Spock usually took care of that task, Jim was able to have some input, and thus, he managed to get himself and several key crewmembers taken off the rotation for one specific day that he knew none of them would want to be around people for.

Somehow, he wasn't surprised when April, Kevin, and Pavel showed up at his door shortly after Alpha shift started on the morning of the anniversary of the recognized end to the Tarsus massacre.

None of them had to say anything as Jim gestured for them to enter. They were all wearing comfortable clothes, and Jim almost smiled as Kevin immediately threw himself on the sofa in his living room area, turning on the vidscreen and flipping it to what appeared to be a child's cartoon entertainment show.

A raised eyebrow had Kevin shrugging, as April sat down in a nearby chair. "It's mindless entertainment," he said by way of explanation.

Pavel sat down hesitantly on the floor, using the sofa as a backrest.

Jim followed them, rolling his eyes slightly, but he understood where Kevin was going with that idea. It was something they could pay attention to that wasn't in the least bit related to Tarsus or their hellish past.

He unceremoniously threw Kevin's feet off the sofa, and sat down. Kevin grumbled, but obediently sat up and gave Jim some room.

They spent the whole day watching mindless entertainment shows. Jim was glad that as a senior officer, he had his own replicator, so they didn't even need to go to the mess hall for lunch. He was also glad that he had stocked up on a collection of alcoholic beverages from their various stops across the galaxy over the last year or so.

He did make sure they waited until the afternoon to break out the Saurian brandy and the Rigelian ale though. They might not be on shift, but he was a Captain, and no matter the circumstances, he should at least try to be responsible.

Throughout the day, Jim couldn't help but notice that the others seemed to be drawing closer and closer. By lunchtime, April had joined him and Kevin on the sofa, and Pavel was using his knee as a pillow, curling almost defensively in, drawing comfort from his Captain and friend.

Jim was a little worried about Pavel; he knew that this was a hard time for the kid as well, but Pavel had an air of guilt radiating off of him, and Jim knew he should probably figure out what was wrong.

The opportunity arose midafternoon, when April got up to use the bathroom, and Kevin went to raid the kitchen area, no doubt to replicate something fatty and disgusting that had absolutely no nutritional value and would give him all sorts of heart problems.

Jim nudged Pavel with his foot, and smiled softly when the younger man looked up at him. He patted the sofa with one hand, and hesitantly, Pavel took the offer.

"What's wrong?" he asked curiously, noting the small flinch at his innocent question.

Pavel looked down at his lap. "I just…" he bit his lip, and reverted to his native Russian, as he usually did when he was nervous. " _I just feel like I don't belong here today._ " Jim frowned, but Pavel continued, the words spilling out in a jumble that Jim had to untangle in order to understand. " _You were all there. You have a reason to be upset. I didn't… I wasn't there. I was on Earth, and I feel like I don't have a right to_ –"

Jim leaned forward and cut him off, a hint of sternness in his voice, though his expression was calm. " _Stop right there, Pav. You have every right to be here. Yes, we lived it, but so did you, in a different way. You have every right to take today off to mourn your sister. We want you here._ "

Pavel still looked a little skeptical, but nodded readily, and settled back down as Kevin and April returned, the former with his arms full of snacks that he dumped unceremoniously on the floor, grabbing a bag of what looked like potato chips and tearing into it.

Jim smiled contentedly as he accepted another drink from April, and they returned their attention to the cartoon playing on the vidscreen. Pavel curled into his side, resting comfortably against his shoulder, while Kevin did the same on the other side. April squeezed herself on the end, on Pavel's other side.

It was late afternoon when Jim excused himself. Kevin and Pavel grumbled a bit but let him leave, though he didn't go far.

Jim settled himself in front of the comm. unit in the next room, and called a familiar number, even if it wasn't one he used often.

It took about a minute for the man on the other end to pick up, and when he did, Jim could see that he had probably spent the previous night, and the entire day, studying, if the tussled hair, pajamas, and array of PADDs covering the coffee table were any indication.

Things like dates and times could get really confusing when ships traveled across the various quadrants, which was why standardized ship time was set to San Francisco, since that's where Headquarters was located. So he knew that he hadn't woken the other man up, which was what led to the conclusion that the scholar just hadn't been to sleep yet.

Cory blinked a few times, and then smiled wanly. "Hey, Jim. How're things going out there?"

Jim shrugged, his eyes lightening slightly. "Pretty good. Just trying to get through the day and move on."

Cory nodded, sobering. "Yeah. I just buried myself in research all day and night. I'm so looking forward to being done with my Ph.D."

Jim chuckled. He had never gone for a doctorate, but that might have been because he had enlisted in Starfleet instead. He could certainly have studied further if he had wanted to, but the idea of submerging himself in research like that just wasn't entirely appealing to him. He was more of a doer, but Cory had always been the kind of guy who loved reading, and drawing correlations between seemingly random facts. Jim knew he would be great at whatever he did.

There was a muffled thump from the living area, and then a surprised yelp. Jim turned quickly, and shook his head at the way Kevin and April practically ran over each other trying to join him at the comm.

"Cory!" Kevin grinned. "How's life?"

Cory snorted. "Still studying like crazy. You?"

"No complaints from space," Kevin replied.

April smiled fondly at the younger man. "It's really good to see you, Cory. We miss you."

Cory's eyes misted up a bit. "I miss you guys too. Thanks for comming me today. I really needed this."

Pavel shuffled in his spot from the doorway, knowing from stories that this was Jim's cousin, even though they had never been introduced. He knew that Cory had also known Anya, and felt both guilt and jealousy bubble in his stomach. Yet another person who had known his sister better than he had, and he felt horrible for thinking that.

After another minute, April and Kevin left Jim alone at the comm., and headed back to the living area, bringing Pavel with them.

When they were alone, Cory and Jim dropped their smiles.

"So how are you, really?" Jim asked seriously, his expression clearly stating that he would accept nothing less than an honest answer.

Cory sighed. "I don't know," he admitted. "I'm just trying to keep busy." Jim just gave his cousin a knowing look, and Cory grimaced. "I miss her," he whispered, sniffing slightly. "And my parents. Why did they have to die?"

Jim swallowed harshly, his eyes pained, expression understanding. "I'm sorry, Cory. I know how difficult this is for you." He sighed and sat back in his seat, slumping almost as if he had lost the willpower to sit up straight. "I ask myself every day why me. Why I was the one who survived."

Cory looked up, his gaze sorrowfully eager. "And?"

Jim shook his head minutely. "And if I can't answer that question for me, I'm sure as hell not going to try to answer it for you. I don't know why, Cory. We were all doing the best we could in a shitty situation. It should never have happened, and I hate what it did to us. Not just in the moment, but after. The memories, the behaviors we learned on that planet, they'll plague us for the rest of our lives. We'll have days where we can't seem to eat enough to satisfy our hunger, and days where even the idea of eating any food will make us sick. Not knowing who to trust because you never know who's going to sell you out for the promise of just one decent meal.

Nights where sleep won't come because we just know the patrol is getting close, and we can't risk lowering our guard. Workouts in the gym at three o'clock in the morning because of yet another bad dream that leaves you gasping for breath and uncertain of what's real and what's imagined."

Cory listened to his cousin in poorly concealed horror. He had never heard Jim speak about Tarsus like this. Was he describing everything he felt, every day? If so, how on Earth – or off it – did he even get out of bed every morning?

As if knowing what the younger man was thinking, Jim made an effort to shake off the past, and attempted a smile. "That's not to say there aren't good days too," he reassured his cousin. "Friends, people that come into your life and you'll find you can't make leave, even if you wanted to. People who stand by you, and make you sometimes even consider telling them about the bad stuff, because you're _almost_ certain that they won't care about what you had to do, the person you became in that horrible situation."

Cory bit his lip. "I'm not sure I could ever imagine telling anyone. Not that my presence there is a huge secret, but I really don't ever want to have to tell anyone."

Jim nodded understandingly. "I get it, Cory. The idea of people knowing terrifies me; even if I know, on an intellectual level, that they probably wouldn't treat me differently. It's hard to convince myself otherwise. I'm not trying to make you talk about it. I'm just trying to show you that even with all the bad, there is still good in your life. Please don't let the memories drown you." Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You know you can comm. me any time. I know we're both busy, but I'm always free to take a call if you want to talk."

Cory smiled tightly. "Thanks, Jim. I'm really glad to have you as a cousin."

Jim blushed a little, but returned the smile willingly. "Thanks, Cory. I'll talk to you later, all right?"

Corry nodded, and signed off.

Jim spent another minute collecting himself, before he rejoined his friends in the living room.

No one commented on the call, and returned to the nearly empty bottle of vodka that Pavel had run to collect from his own room a few hours earlier. Jim had rolled his eyes at that, but Pavel had just said that it had been a gift from his mother last shore leave; he had been saving it for something special.

Jim didn't argue though, even if Pavel was still technically under legal drinking age. Starfleet tended to have different views when it came to that: when they were out in space, Earthly legal age laws didn't really matter as much.

Plus, it was good vodka.

And that was how McCoy found them less than two hours later. Jim had always made sure the doctor had the passcodes to his quarters, so he didn't need to knock.

McCoy was a little concerned to find them all halfway drunk watching a cartoon he knew that his daughter loved.

Jim glanced up and smiled. "Hey, Bones."

Leonard frowned. He was far from an idiot, and he remembered very clearly how Jim always seemed to disappear around this time of year when they had been at the Academy.

But he knew that Jim wasn't the kind of guy who liked to talk about things, so he just nodded. "Jim. Everything good?" He had been expecting the kid to bother him at least once today, as he usually did when he had the day off and McCoy was still working. Well, maybe 'bothering' was a little strong; Jim would usually stop by around lunchtime to drag him to the mess hall, because he knew that Leonard was like him in a lot of ways – he tended to forget about things like eating when he got caught up in something, as he usually tended to do while at work.

Jim shrugged slightly, his gaze shifting back to the vidscreen. "Everything's fine, Bones," he said quietly.

Well if that didn't set alarm bells ringing, nothing would. McCoy opened his mouth, but closed it quickly as Jim stood up and gestured for them to head back to the main room. A slight shift of his hand told the others to stay where they were, and that he would be right back.

McCoy noted with interest the way they all instantly obeyed that small hand gesture, as he followed the Captain.

Jim walked him to the door in silence. He leaned against the wall with a sigh, rubbing a hand across his face wearily. "Bones, we're fine. Promise. We all had the day off, and decided to hang out."

Well, Leonard seriously doubted that was it, but as long as it didn't impede Jim's ability to do his job, he really had no grounds to contradict the Captain.

Jim snorted softly. "We're all off shift, we haven't done anything against regulations, and we'll all be perfectly fine to resume our duties tomorrow morning. Everything's good. I'll see you tomorrow."

McCoy still wasn't convinced, but he knew better than to argue when Jim got like this. Still though… "Jim –"

Jim's expression twisted into a sardonic smirk, his expression cold and completely closed off. He knew what the man was thinking. "I'll see you tomorrow, Doctor McCoy."

And Leonard knew he had pushed Jim to the limit of what he could stand that evening; when the Captain used his full title, Leonard knew to shut up and listen. With an aborted nod, he quickly left the room.

Jim stared at the closed door for a minute, before he sighed and went back to the living area.

**XXX**

It wasn't until much later, after the others had left for their own rooms, that Jim found himself once more sitting in front of his comm.

He punched in a number, and was rewarded a few seconds later by the image of a frazzled man taking a seat on the other end of the call.

"Jim!" Tom was surprised to hear from his friend, though in retrospect, he probably shouldn't have been. He was stationed at a science base on a Federation controlled planet a few days travel from Earth. Based on his clock, the anniversary of Tarsus wasn't for another couple of days, but now that he thought about it, Jim would be going off of Earth time, which meant today was a horrible time to be awake and sober for the Captain. Though if the slightly red eyes were any indication, he wasn't completely sober, though not nearly as drunk as he could have been. Or wanted to be.

Jim grimaced. "Hey Tom. How're things going on Alpha Centauri?"

Tom smiled slightly. "Pretty good. We've got a couple experiments in the pressure cooker that I'm really excited about." He sobered quickly. "Do you think we'll ever get over it?"

He didn't need to be more specific than that.

Jim sighed, carding his fingers through his hair as he buried his face in his hands. Looking back at the comm., Tom noted the tortured expression and the slightly bloodshot eyes. He knew that Jim had probably spent the entire day, and likely the day before, pretending that he was fine. The scientist remembered Jim telling him that Kevin and April were on the _Enterprise_ , as was Anya's brother. Jim probably felt like he had to be strong for all of them, which meant that he had been holding in all of his own feelings about the anniversary.

But Jim never held back with him. Tom was Jim's _first_ First Officer, and Jim had always made it a point to tell him what was going on. They had trusted each other, relied on each other, for over five months. It didn't matter that they had barely seen each other since Tarsus; their relationship couldn't be dissolved by distance or time.

Tom leaned forward in his seat, his gaze worried. "Jim, it's me. Don't lie, and don't try to downplay anything. I know you too well."

Jim sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I told myself I was over it. I told myself I had dealt with it. And I guess I thought I had." He bit his lip. "I took all of it and put it in a box in the back of my mind. Most of the time, I'm fine. But then the anniversary rolls around, or I see a little girl that reminds me of Lisa, or something that reminds me of that prison," he shuddered involuntarily. "Where does it end? When do I stop seeing it? When can I stop feeling it?"

Tom winced. He knew that Tarsus had been worse for Jim than it had been for him. Sure, he had lost his family, the use of one of his eyes, and his innocence, but he had also spent his time in captivity in a cell. Jim had been tortured. Tom remembered seeing Jim in the ship hospital after being rescued; he remembered wondering how in the hell Jim had survived. He remembered Jim still being the brave leader he and all the kids had grown used to, even as he was laid up in that biobed, unable to even stand on his own. After everything Kodos had done to him, how had he been able to come out of it still so strong?

And that wasn't even getting into everything Jim had lost on that planet. Marie and Terry Spaulding had been the first people to act like real parents to Jim. The first adults to really care about him. Cory and Lisa had been more like siblings than cousins. And Kodos… Tom knew that Jim had idolized Kodos; he had been a mentor, and taught Jim about government and politics. Jim had trusted him, and even as a teenager, Jim didn't give out that trust easily.

Jim grimaced and leaned forward again, slumping in his seat, exhaustion making itself known on his face. He had spent all day pretending to be fine for the others, and he didn't think he could continue much longer. He had already sent Carol a message saying that he wouldn't make dinner that evening, and he'd see her in the morning, so that she wouldn't come by. He didn't have the energy to pretend right now.

Tom bit his lip, his expression compassionate. "I really wish I was there, Jim. I mean, I have no desire to live on a starship, but I wish I was there. You know what I mean."

Jim chuckled slightly, a hint of amusement pushing the exhaustion back for a moment.

Tom sighed. "I don't know what to say, Jim. I still have nightmares, and what happened to you was definitely worse. I'm not even sure we're supposed to get over it. What was it you told me all those years ago?"

Jim's lips quirked upwards in a facsimile of a smile. "The best we can do is learn to live with it. It might never get better, but it will get easier. I can't believe you remember that." He had told Tom that when he had visited him once at UC Berkley, over a decade ago.

Tom was smiling as well. "You always were the smartest guy I knew. I remember everything you tell me, and that conversation has helped me get through some really tough times."

Jim flushed lightly, embarrassed but touched.

Tom sighed, glancing behind him as a shout drew his attention momentarily. "I need to get going," he said regretfully, turning back to the screen. "Maybe we can talk again in a few days?"

Jim nodded quickly, smiling. "Definitely. Now go be a brilliant scientist."

Tom snorted, amused. "Aye, aye, Captain. You should go to bed. You look like crap."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Thanks, so much. Really feeling the love."

Tom flipped him off, not bothering to respond as he cut the link.

Jim watched the screen go blank, and then let out a weary sigh. He thought about following Tom's advice, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, and he couldn't see himself just lying in bed staring at the ceiling all night, with nothing to do but think.

Fortunately, he had other ways to turn his brain off.

After changing into more comfortable clothes, Jim quickly made his way to the ship's gym.


	11. Chapter 11

Jim had been dealing with the dreaded anniversary for long enough that he had learned how to stuff it back in the box, and not let it continue to affect him after the fact.

Ship life continued to pass peacefully as the _Enterprise_ drifted closer to the Klingon-Federation border of the neutral zone.

Until they got a real mission, they were just exploring, and providing a little extra support to a potentially hostile area of space.

They had been there for three weeks, when a new mission came in. A nearby planet had contacted Starfleet to begin the process of entering the Federation. The planet had achieved warp capability, and Komack wanted the _Enterprise_ to visit. Apparently, the planet was rich in dilithium, so the Admiralty was very interested in moving the process along.

It did seem like a straightforward case: the planet wanted to join the Federation, and Starfleet wanted the dilithium. Win-win. Looking back later, Jim should have known right then and there that something would happen. Missions were never that cut and dry. Not for the _Enterprise._

Jim beamed down with an away party – him, McCoy, Uhura, Carol, Chekov, and two security officers – Ensign Hill and Lieutenant Hendorff.

They were greeted immediately by a contingent of locals; there were around ten of them, with one male in front who, by the state of his dress, appeared to be high up in their government.

The well-dressed local greeted the group of Starfleet personnel warmly, placing a fisted hand over his heart. From the briefing Uhura had given them before they beamed down, they knew that this was the way these locals said hello.

After they copied the gesture, Jim and Uhura stepped forward, while the others stayed back slightly. They knew that the locals spoke a limited Standard, but their native tongue was similar to Andorian, so they were able to communicate by adapting their knowledge of that language.

Uhura wondered idly why she was even here, as she watched her Captain converse with the man who identified himself as Emperor Kleiman. She was surprised, and then angry with herself for being surprised. She knew that Jim was intelligent. She had managed to put together a list of languages he was fluent in over the course of their time at the Academy, and it was impressive. And she was fairly certain her comprehensive list was still incomplete. So it would make sense that he would be able to converse with the locals. He was intelligent enough to be able to detect the differences between Andorian and the unknown language, and she would definitely request his inputs when she was cataloguing the new language for the universal translator after they returned to the ship.

After a few minutes, Jim turned back to his crew and smiled. "Emperor Kleiman is going to give us a tour," he informed them.

Half of the entourage with the Emperor left, but the rest remained; body guards, most likely. Only one appeared to be dressed in a high-class manner, indicating his status as above the rest of the entourage. The rest were wearing a rougher fabric, signifying that they were of a lower class, or perhaps security guards.

That theory proved to be true, when the Emperor introduced the better-dressed male as one of his Advisors.

As they wandered through the streets, the Emperor explained various sights – places where locals, who called themselves K'miri, could buy food, clothes, and get medical help.

The last one had McCoy asking about the quality of their medical care. When the Emperor informed them that they mostly used herbal remedies, Jim asked if he minded them sending a team of botanists down to collect samples of their plants.

The Emperor was intrigued, and agreed, so Jim commed Sulu to bring down a small science team, before explaining to the Emperor what botanists did, and why they were interested in the plant life.

They continued on through the city, and met up with Sulu and two science officers on the outskirts of town, heading down to the fields together. Jim stayed back with the Emperor and his Advisor, while the others moved into the field to look at the plant life. Sulu hadn't technically needed to escort the botanists down to the planet, but Jim knew that, even though he had focused on flying as a career path, he had studied botany before enlisting in Starfleet, and it continued to be a passion and hobby for the young man; Sulu always wanted to be involved in new plant discoveries, so if they could swing his inclusion, Jim would do it. He liked making his friends happy.

Uhura wasn't exactly interested, and Chekov really only pretended to be to please Sulu, but McCoy was definitely intrigued, and the two security officers interspersed with the Emperor's bodyguards to provide protection.

They spent the rest of their visit out in the fields, the scientists and Sulu gathering samples, and Jim and Uhura questioning the Emperor about his culture while Carol listened interestedly. When the sun started to go down, one of the Emperor's bodyguards interrupted to speak briefly with his leader, and the Emperor nodded understandingly, before turning back to the Starfleet officers.

"My bodyguard is correct," he informed them in broken Standard. "It is getting late and we must return to the city. We have prepared a feast for this evening if you would care to join us?"

Jim inclined his head quickly. "We would be honored," he replied.

He instructed the science officers to return to the ship with their samples, and gave permission for Sulu to stay behind to attend the feast when the pilot asked.

The two officers beamed back to the _Enterprise_ , and the rest of the group started back down the road towards the city.

During the walk, Jim and the Emperor discussed the K'miri's request to join the Federation. Emperor Kleiman ghosted over a portion of malcontents they had in their city, K'miri who didn't want to deal peacefully with outsiders, believing themselves to be superior. But he assured Jim that they had the situation under control, and quickly moved on to happier topics.

Jim was concerned, but he didn't want to offend the Emperor by suggesting that he wasn't being entirely truthful.

As they walked through the city, Jim's keen gaze immediately picked out less than happy faces in the crowds, and he made a subtle hand gesture for his security officers to be on their guard.

Slowing his pace just slightly, he fell into step with Sulu and Chekov, and gave them a muttered warning as well. Besides Security, they were the only ones with combat training, since both the Navigations officer and the pilot had taken a few Command Track courses at the Academy.

All of them subtly moved their hands to rest near their phasers, ready to act at a moment's notice.

However, none of them were prepared for the series of explosions that went off as they neared the steps to the palace that stood at the center of the city.

All Jim saw as he was knocked to the ground was a blurred mess of screaming and running, but before he could attempt to help or see where his crew was, blackness encroached on his vision, and he lost consciousness.

**XXX**

When Jim woke up, he was momentarily confused; glancing around revealed that he was in a cell of some sort. Several other bodies appeared to be unconscious members of his crew. Moving his head revealed a headache, and Jim suddenly remembered what had happened.

He sat up quickly, one hand flying to his side, where his phaser usually rested. Unfortunately, the weapon was gone.

"They removed all our weapons before bringing us here." Jim glanced over and saw Sulu sitting against the far wall.

"What happened?" Jim asked, leaning back against the wall as he forced the pounding in his head to recede. It didn't quite work, but he was able to function around it. His left hand drifted over to where Carol was lying next to him, checking her pulse to make sure she was all right. He was relieved when he felt it beating strongly against his fingers.

Sulu grimaced. "Those malcontents the Emperor mentioned. They set off a series of bombs to cause confusion and incapacitate us. I was the only one still conscious by the end of it. I thought it would be best not to fight them when they took us hostage." He shrugged. "Didn't seem like the best odds. There were about twenty of them."

Jim nodded slightly. "Good choice. How long have we been here?"

Sulu sighed. "About two hours," he replied. "I was getting worried, but you all had strong pulses, and that's about the only medical thing I know how to check."

Jim chuckled slightly while making a mental note to speak with the doctors on the _Enterprise_ about offering mandatory first aid training to all members of the crew, just in case, but any further conversation was cut off as a low moan came from the corner where McCoy was lying. A few seconds later, the others began to move and sit up, everyone clutching their heads as they looked around the cell.

"What the hell happened?" McCoy growled, his eyes immediately searching for Jim.

Before the Captain could respond, a click from outside indicated the door was being unlocked.

A second later, it opened, and several K'miri entered. The one in front looked to be the leader. He was wearing a purple robe and a large scowl as he glared at the group of Starfleet officers.

Jim glared back. "You have carried out an act of terror against Starfleet and the Federation," he informed them brusquely. "Let us go now, and we won't respond in kind."

The K'miri laughed harshly. "Starfleet pigs aren't welcome here," he sneered in a halting Standard. "You will be treated like the scum you are." The two K'miri behind him – guards, if Jim had to guess – glowered.

Jim didn't allow himself to react to that. "Where's the Emperor?" he asked instead.

The K'miri straightened slightly, his chin tilting up as he stuck his nose in the air. "I am the Emperor now. And you will give us the information we want."

"And what is that?" Jim challenged, knowing that nothing this asshole did would make him talk, but he worried about his crew. Not everyone could withstand harsh questioning the way he could.

The K'miri leered down at him. "You will tell me about your starships. You will tell me how your warp cores work, and your weapons. We will use your technology to further our noble race."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Fuck off," he said calmly.

The K'miri lost his smug expression, and glared. "Consider your options carefully, Captain. We are not afraid to take more direct action."

The trio of K'miri left the cell, locking the door behind them, and Jim settled back against the wall, looking for all the world like he had nowhere better to be.

McCoy couldn't believe him. That asshole had just come in and basically threatened him with torture, and Jim didn't even seem to care. Wasn't he afraid? Did Jim actually have any fears?

McCoy was terrified, and the K'miri had barely even looked at him.

He wanted to demand answers from the Captain, but Jim had closed his eyes, and appeared to be meditating.

Not exactly true, but close enough. Jim was using the time he had to gather himself together and prepare for what was to come. He meticulously gathered every piece of himself that he could, and thrust it all into the back of his mind.

He didn't know how much time had passed before the lock clicked again, and Jim opened his eyes. "Whatever happens, just stay silent. Whatever you see, don't make a sound."

McCoy frowned, while the others looked at him in confusion. "Jim –"

Jim shook his head, cutting the doctor off. "I mean it, Bones. Whatever happens, don't do anything. Promise me." He looked at all of them, his gaze demanding their cooperation.

Though they didn't quite understand, each one of them nodded quickly, agreeing with his demand. Carol and McCoy didn't look happy about it, but there wasn't any more time to argue.

A moment later, the door flew open, and the leader reentered the cell, four other K'miri following behind.

The leader glared at Jim. "Have you changed your mind, Captain?"

Jim just glared back, not saying anything.

The K'miri gestured to two of the guards, who moved forward and grabbed Jim by his arms, dragging him over to a corner of the cell, where a set of chains was dangling from the ceiling. They shackled him and used a lever to lift the chains up so that Jim was standing upright, the chains taught. The other two guards held their weapons up, aimed at the rest of the crew, stopping them from attempting to rescue their Captain.

Using a knife, one of the K'miri cut Jim's shirt off, not seeming to care when the knife left a shallow gash on the human's chest. Jim didn't even react to the cut, his conscious thought back behind the barrier that he had built in his mind. Besides, he had definitely had worse.

The leader circled around him, asking him questions about Starfleet's warp technology, and the weapons the _Enterprise_ had on board. When Jim didn't respond, the other two K'miri began punching him.

It went on for about five minutes, before the leader gestured for the guards to stop. He stood directly in front of Jim. "Will you cooperate, Captain?" he sneered.

Jim's only response was to spit in the K'miri's face. He wiped the blood and saliva off, before gesturing for the guards to leave. Near the door, they hit a button, and the chains released, dropping Jim to the ground.

The door had barely closed behind them when McCoy was at Jim's side, Carol right behind him.

"Just give me a minute," Jim mumbled, picking himself up and forcing his mind to relax slightly, now that the immediate threat was gone. He had to remind himself that he wasn't on Tarsus anymore, that that the one hurting him this time wasn't Kodos. It was just easier to shove his mind back into that place he had gone when the former governor of Tarsus had been torturing him. That place he had built to remove himself from the physical agony being forced upon his body, so that his mind wouldn't react. He needed a minute to remember where he was, and that he wasn't fourteen years old anymore.

When he was certain he had himself under control, Jim looked up and offered his girlfriend and best friend a shaky smile.

McCoy didn't wait for an invitation, and immediately began probing his bare chest, searching for injuries.

Carol just held in her tears and grasped his hand tightly, hoping to offer whatever support she could.

Behind those two, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov all gathered, wanting to support him but leaving some room for the two they knew Jim would need the most.

Hill and Hendorff stayed in their spots, knowing that the others were all much closer to the Captain than they were. They both felt furious at themselves for failing at their jobs. They were supposed to protect their Captain.

After a few minutes, Jim wearily batted McCoy's hand aside. "Nothing's broken," he assured his friend. "Two fractured ribs, tops."

McCoy glared at him, but there was no real heat to it. "Who's the doctor here?" he asked gruffly. "How do you know what's broken and what isn't?"

Jim just shrugged apologetically, his gaze shifting over as he began to assure Carol that he was fine.

McCoy unwillingly thought back to many incidents over the years where Jim had been right about his injuries. How many times had the kid been hurt, that he could tell when something was serious, and when a bone was just fractured, as opposed to actually broken? It made him feel sick, to imagine the circumstances that would lead to such knowledge.

Jim broke off his quiet murmurings as the door banged open once more, giving the K'miris a glare as they roughly shoved Carol and McCoy aside, dragging him back to the corner and trussing him up on the chains once more.

They had apparently decided to up their game, using whips this time to punctuate the leader's questions.

Jim grit his teeth as each blow came, closing his eyes as his mind retreated behind the wall.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but he did know that the grayness behind his eyelids wasn't natural. He didn't try to fight it as the gray turned to black, and he passed out.

The K'miris stopped soon after, and with another press of the button, dropped Jim unceremoniously to the ground once more, before they left the cell.

McCoy was at his side almost before the door had even closed behind the bastards, his fingers gentle as he probed the bruised and bloody gashes on Jim's back.

Carol wasn't far behind, kneeling next to her boyfriend with an anxious expression, grasping his hand tightly and carding her fingers through his hair. "He didn't make a sound," she whispered, shocked. "How…"

McCoy took a shaky breath, not knowing how to answer as he continued to assess the injuries. He noted the blood on Jim's lip, and realized that he had bitten through the skin, to keep himself from screaming. Goddamn it, how the hell had he managed to stay silent? McCoy had had a hard enough time keeping his promise, and he wasn't being whipped bloody.

Everyone crowded around behind the doctor, watching him silently, waiting for his judgment. If anyone could determine whether or not Jim was seriously injured, it was the irascible CMO of the _Enterprise_.

Uhura had tear tracks on her cheeks, but she didn't seem to notice or care as she focused all of her attention on her friend.

Sulu had a vice grip on Chekov's arm, while Pavel was practically shaking. Of all of them, he was probably the only one who knew how Jim had managed to say silent through all of that. He had known, in the abstract sense, that Jim had gone through hell on Tarsus. He had known, if vaguely, that Jim had been tortured because he had refused to turn on the other kids he had been hiding with. But that knowledge certainly didn't help him feel better when he watched someone he thought of as a hero, a brother, and a friend, be brutally beaten by a bastard without a soul.

McCoy ignored all of them as his fingers continued to probe the injuries down Jim's back, attempting to feel for internal injuries, and cursing his lack of access to a tricorder.

Even though he was focused on the current issue at hand, he couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the older injuries he could feel underneath the blood and bruises.

There seemed to be what felt like raised ridges, and McCoy had been a doctor long enough to know what old scars felt like.

How had he never noticed that before? Sure, he had seen some scars, but he hadn't realized how many there were. Many of them seemed to be invisible to the naked eye, only perceived when they were felt with bare hands.

While it hadn't been said in so many words, McCoy had known that Jim's stepfather was abusive. He knew that Jim had not had a great childhood. But the number of scars he could feel was alarming, even knowing what he did.

Those scars told him that this wasn't the first time Jim had been tortured. This wasn't the first time he had had to stop himself from screaming as a whip – maybe a belt? – rained down on his back. Was he able to keep silent this time because he had learned how from last time? It was not a pleasant thought.

A soft groan interrupted his thoughts, and McCoy pulled back slightly as Jim opened his eyes and tried to push himself to a sitting position.

Carol was immediately there helping him sit up, but Jim didn't seem inclined to meet anyone's concerned gaze as he got his feet under him.

Though she was clearly holding back tears, Carol just gently maneuvered Jim so that he was leaning against her, knowing that he probably didn't have the strength to sit up on his own.

Jim wanted to protest, but knew that he wouldn't be very convincing, so he just leaned into her side gratefully.

He appreciated the way none of them were asking questions. He wasn't sure what he would tell them if they asked, so he was glad to not have to figure it out just yet.

McCoy sighed and moved to Jim's free side, knowing that he couldn't do anything to help, even if the kid did have any serious injuries.

The others moved a little closer, not comforted when Jim attempted a shaky smile that fell far short.

Nyota sniffed lightly. "Is there anything we can do?" she asked, defeated, wishing she knew what would help.

Jim shook his head slightly. "Just keep doing what you're doing," he assured her calmly, not seeming to care about the blood running down his back, or the bruises that covered a significant portion of his torso. "And be ready." He turned his attention to Sulu, not elaborating on that cryptic statement. There was an unreadable emotion in his bright blue gaze. "Just like I taught you," he told the pilot.

Sulu didn't quite understand, but the K'miri were back before he could elaborate, roughly shoving everyone out of the way as they shackled Jim to the ceiling once more.

They had a three-pronged whip this time, to cause even more damage. Jim knew he let out a couple soft grunts, but he refused to make any louder sounds, and just smirked at the K'miri, much to his annoyance.

It was about ten minutes into this session, when a loud sound echoed down the hall outside the cell.

The K'miris stopped what they were doing, as the leader ordered two of them to investigate. As soon as they had left the cell, Jim took advantage of the confusion, pulling his feet up to his chest so that all of his weight was on his arms. He kicked out, causing the leader to fall towards Sulu, who wasted no time in grabbing the K'miri in a chokehold, realizing what Jim had been talking about earlier. Jim had been giving him some pointers in hand-to-hand combat lately, in exchange for the pilot teaching him how to fence.

The other two K'miris attempted to intervene, but the two security officers and Chekov quickly jumped in, subduing them with ease. Uhura got in a few good kicks when it looked like one of them was close to freeing himself.

Jim was still smirking as McCoy moved to his side and told Uhura to release the chains. The doctor grasped his arm and helped lower him gently to the ground, following him down as he tried to determine what new injuries had been added to the ever-growing list. Jim rubbed his shoulder to alleviate some of the ache, even as he attempted to regulate his breathing. That pronged whip definitely hurt more than the regular one.

"Nice job, Sulu," he congratulated, his voice winded. The pilot nodded slightly, smiling at the praise, as Jim glanced from McCoy to Carol, who had followed the doctor over. "Help me up," he instructed.

Both appeared to be hesitant to do so, but Jim's expression clearly told them he would do it with or without their assistance, so they complied.

Once the Captain was on his feet, they all turned towards the door, uncertain if they should venture outside without knowing what was going on.

A moment later, there was a muffled shout, and then Spock burst in, three Security officers behind him, all four with phasers ready to fire.

Jim grinned wearily at the Vulcan, jerking his fingers in a facsimile of a wave, even as he slumped even further into McCoy's steady grasp. The doctor tightened his grip around Jim's shoulders.

Uhura glanced at the Captain, perplexed. "How did you know that was going to happen?" she asked.

Jim looked at her and gave a one-shouldered shrug that sent ripples of fire up and down his arms and back. "I left Spock in charge," he said dismissively. "Did you really think he'd just leave us?"

Spock cut in at that moment. "Captain, we are securing the malcontents. We have located the Emperor four cells down. He is unharmed."

Jim nodded slightly. "Good work." He glanced around at the group. "I don't suppose I could borrow a shirt."

They all looked startled by the change in topic, and McCoy glared. "You should just sit down," he said brusquely, trying to hide his worry.

Jim rolled his eyes. "You know the transporters won't be able to lock onto our signal until we get outside." He nodded gratefully at Sulu as the pilot took off his own command gold shirt, leaving him in just the black undershirt, and passed it to the Captain. "We should get going though," he informed them as he pulled the shirt on slowly, trying not to gasp in pain as the movement pulled at his injuries. "We've probably got about five minutes."

"Why?" Uhura asked, not knowing why the timeframe was needed.

Jim barely spared the Communications officer a glance as he immediately began limping towards the door, not waiting to see if anyone was following. "I'd give it about that long before I pass out, and I'd like to avoid the humiliation of having someone carry me."

Everyone else hurried to catch up, not understanding why he thought it would be humiliating, after what he had just gone through. Just the fact that he was still conscious right now was impressive.

It took about five minutes to make their way down the hall and to the exit, due mostly to the slow pace Jim needed to conform to, not being able to walk much faster than he was already going.

And true to his estimation, the Captain had barely taken three steps outside, when he stumbled, his knees buckling, and he dropped as if a string had been cut.

Fortunately, McCoy was at his side, and caught him before he hit the ground. Spock already had his communicator out, informing the _Enterprise_ that they had the Captain, and to beam the liberated crew back to the ship.

Spock remained behind with his team to assist the Emperor in regaining control, something the K'miri was grateful for.

He appeared to be very contrite as he greeted the Vulcan outside the prison they had been held captive in. "Thank you very much," he said in his broken Standard. "I do apologize for all this trouble. Guivare has been able to turn many to his way of thinking," he spoke of the leader of the malcontents. "They do not believe in peace or exploration. Guivare would rather conquer and control."

Spock frowned minutely, an expression so small that anyone who didn't know the Vulcan would miss it. To the Emperor, he appeared to be just as stoic as always. "The reports we received did not indicate any discontent amongst your people," he commented idly.

The Emperor looked embarrassed. "We thought it might negatively impact our chances," he admitted. "And none of us thought Guivare would go this far. Is your Captain going to be all right?"

Spock inclined his head, just once. "I will inform you of the prognosis as Doctor McCoy gives it, but I believe he will recover adequately."

The Emperor smiled. "Thank you. We would like to postpone our welcoming banquet for when Captain Kirk has recovered."

"I will forward the invitation," Spock replied.

The Emperor nodded quickly. "I do hope that this has not destroyed the negotiations. We are still very eager to join the Federation, and we understand there are resources the Federation has use for, out in our mountains. I am very hopeful that we can come to a satisfying arrangement."

"Indeed," Spock said neutrally. "We will remain to assist in the cleanup of your city square, if that is agreeable to you."

The Emperor nodded again, and led the Vulcan and the team of security officers back towards the city, to help the locals clear up the destruction the bombs had caused.

Spock wanted to beam back to the ship and ensure his Captain's health and wellbeing, but he knew that his duties required him to remain on the planet for now. They would take custody of the main group of malcontents, including the leader Guivare, but the others would be dealt with by the K'miri justice system.

The ones who had participated in the kidnapping and torturing of a Starfleet Captain would be tried by the Federation; the Emperor was quick to agree, wanting to help smooth over the problem however possible, so that the Federation wouldn't have any reason to deny their request to join.

It was hours later that Spock felt his presence was no longer required on the planet, so after assuring the Emperor one last time that he would send word on the Captain's health once he had checked in with Doctor McCoy, he and his security team returned to the ship.


	12. Chapter 12

When they beamed back to the transporter room, a medical team was waiting, and McCoy wasted no time in getting Jim on the gurney, shouting orders to the nurses to get him back to Medbay.

Everyone else followed behind, and were quickly shuffled to waiting biobeds by April and M'Benga, but none of them had more than lingering headaches, and some scrapes and bruises from the explosions.

However, even after they had been cleared, they all stuck around, waiting for McCoy to reemerge from the private room he had taken Jim into.

The doctor kept them waiting for nearly an hour, but when he finally came out, he was quick to reassure them that it wasn't as bad as it looked.

"Some minor internal bleeding, a couple of fractured ribs, lacerations, and a whole lot of bruising," he informed them. "Easy fix, I've seen him sustain a hell of a lot worse in hand-to-hand combat classes back at the Academy."

They all let out sighs of relief, as McCoy ordered them all to leave. "The idiot's sedated," he said brusquely. "There's no point in you all hanging around here cluttering up my Medbay. He'll be out for another few hours."

Knowing better than to argue with the grumpy doctor, most of them left, with plans to return once they had eaten and changed clothes. McCoy knew it too, but he was too tired to argue.

Carol didn't say anything as she determinedly made her way to the biobed McCoy and the nurses had moved Jim to. She sat down on the edge and grasped his hand gently, studying his peaceful expression and noting the way he seemed so serene when medicated; she had never seen him this still before.

McCoy set a tray down on the table next to the biobed, causing Carol to jump slightly and look up. The doctor smiled slightly. "I won't force you to leave," he said softly. "I know it wouldn't work. But you should eat something."

Carol looked over at the tray, and noted that it held a plate of what looked like pasta with chicken and vegetables. "Thanks," she whispered, hesitantly taking a few bites, while still maintaining a firm grip on Jim's hand.

McCoy watched her silently for a few minutes, before he let out a short breath of air. "You love him, don't you."

Carol looked at him, surprised. After a moment, she lowered her eyes, turning back to her boyfriend. She didn't know how to even begin to untangle the knot of emotions in her chest. Did she love him? She knew she enjoyed spending time with him. She liked him, a lot, even if she could barely admit it to herself. But love? She had never really been serious about any of her boyfriends before, not like she was with Jim. She found herself thinking about him at all hours of the day. She would be lying in her bed at night and imagining he was there next to her; she'd be working on a project in the science labs and suddenly start wishing he was there keeping her company.

McCoy watched her think for a minute, before he stood up and rested a hand lightly on her shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." He squeezed briefly, and then walked away, leaving the couple alone.

Carol was glad for the solitude. McCoy had suddenly thrown her thoughts into turmoil, as she tried to unravel the feelings threatening to cut off her air supply. She needed Jim to wake up. She needed to see him open his eyes. She needed to hear him tell her that he was fine. Even if she knew it wasn't true, there was something reassuring about knowing how often he would spout that irritating line in the process of trying to convince them that this whole ordeal hadn't affected him in the slightest.

It was almost an hour later when McCoy returned, pulling a seat over so that he was on Jim's free side, and settling into it with barely a glance in Carol's direction, instead focusing his attention on the PADD in his hands.

It wasn't too much longer after that, when Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura returned, taking a seat on the next biobed over as they nodded greetings to McCoy; Scotty made an appearance about half an hour after they arrived, coming up from Engineering after being informed of McCoy's estimation for when Jim would wake up from Uhura. Spock wasn't too far behind, returning from the planet once his calculations indicated the Emperor had things well in hand.

Carol barely noticed their arrival, continuing to focus on her unconscious boyfriend.

Less than half an hour after everyone had gathered once more, Jim began to stir. Carol squeezed his hand tightly, straightening in her seat as she watched his eyelids flutter.

A minute later, he opened his eyes, and seemed surprised to see so many people crowded around, but didn't comment as McCoy was immediately there, running a tricorder and making note of anything that was even slightly off of normal.

"So what's the prognosis?" Jim asked amusedly, knowing as well as McCoy that there was nothing seriously wrong with him.

Indeed, the doctor scowled down at his Captain and put the tricorder away. "You'll be able to leave by morning," he acquiesced grumpily, before turning to the crowd. "All of you get out. It's late, we're all tired, and this idiot needs rest."

No one wanted to test McCoy's wrath when he was in this mood. After quietly expressing their relief that he was all right, Jim's friends left. Carol was the last to depart, leaning over to give him a soft kiss on the cheek, and promising to come back in the morning. She didn't want to go, but even she knew when it wasn't worth arguing with the CMO. And right now, the doctor looked about one step away from a broken jaw, it was clenched so hard.

Yeah, it wasn't worth losing a body part over. Carol was a smart woman. She left Medbay at a brisk walk.

McCoy was silent for several minutes as he continued to give Jim a check over; even though there were machines that could perform the same tasks, he had always found a certain comfort in taking a patient's pulse by hand, using a stethoscope to listen to a heartbeat. It just felt more real and tangible to him, than simply reading numbers off of a tricorder.

Jim let him do it, because he knew his friend.

After several more minutes filled with tense silence, Jim knew he should probably get the doctor to speak; McCoy needed to blow off steam every once in a while, or he would spontaneously combust from all the pent-up emotions. "Are you all right?" he asked hesitantly. He was always willing to be the verbal punching bag that McCoy needed, but he didn't really have the mental fortitude to take on the job at this exact moment. He was still reeling from the emotional turmoil that had come with immersing his mind in the memories of Tarsus. He would be fine with a good night's sleep, but he doubted he'd get that tonight, not if he had to stay in Medbay. And probably not even if he was safe in his own room. It would take some time to get the mask back up, but Jim knew he would be able to do it. He had always managed before, after all.

That simple query seemed to be all the doctor needed to crack. He set his PADD down harshly on the side table and glared at Jim. "You bloody idiot." Jim raised an eyebrow, and McCoy huffed angrily. "You're asking me? After everything that just happened down there?"

Jim bit his lip, his gaze falling to his lap. "Bones…"

McCoy growled. "Don't. Don't try to patronize me, or placate me. I knew." Jim glanced up, and McCoy shook his head. "I knew, in the abstract sense, that you knew how to deal with pain. That you're used to it. I hate it, and I never asked or pushed for more details, because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't tell me anyway. But there's a difference between knowing and _knowing_. And I never realized how much that entailed. For Christ's sake, Jim, you never made a sound."

He sounded so broken by the end, that Jim just had to comfort him. "I'm fine, Bones. Promise." McCoy looked up and took a deep breath as if to argue, but Jim shook his head, sighing slightly. "I wasn't, for a while," he admitted; the words felt painful as they came out of his mouth, but he knew he needed to say it, to get Bones to calm down. "But I was able to put it all in a box and set it aside. Really, you don't have to worry about me."

McCoy glared at him. "I always worry about you," he retorted. "You're a foolish disaster-prone idiot, and it's my job to clean up after your messes." Jim let out a light snort, and McCoy's gaze softened. "I won't ever press you for details, Jim. You're my best friend, and if you want to talk, I'm always here."

Jim nodded quickly, his gaze skittering away to focus on the far wall. McCoy let out a soft sigh, but didn't say anything else, simply pulling the light blanket up further so that it covered the lower half of Jim's chest, and giving him one last worry-filled look before he disappeared into his office.

Jim waited a few minutes before he reached over and grasped the PADD McCoy had left on the side table, typing out a short note for the doctor. That act done, he sucked in a deep breath and stood up quickly, willing himself not to react to the sudden flash of pain that ran its way up his back and down his arms.

He knew he should stay in Medical overnight, like McCoy wanted, but he also knew how to read the computer readouts on his biobed, and an overnight stay wasn't really strictly necessary. Moreover, he knew what would come the moment he did fall asleep, and he did not want an audience for that.

This whole experience had brought up too many long-buried emotions and memories of Tarsus, and Jim needed time alone to sort through it and set it all aside once more.

So with one last glance at the closed CMO office door, he left the PADD on the empty bed, and made his way to the exit as quickly and quietly as possible.

He was fortunate enough to encounter no one on his way back to his quarters – it was getting pretty late, and most of Alpha shift was in bed already, and Beta was on duty. Anyone working Gamma shift would likely either be in the mess or one of the rec rooms. Jim knew he ran the risk of being spotted, but he was counting on nobody questioning whether or not he had been released from Medbay just yet.

He was the Captain, and that tended to give him a lot of leeway with most of his crew. Other than the command crew, who were likely already in bed, every other crew member would do little more than snap off a sharp salute as they passed him in the hall.

But it was late enough that he saw no one, and he quickly entered his quarters, setting the lock to turn away all but a medical override – even if he really didn't want to talk to or see anyone for the next twelve hours at least, he would never completely lock McCoy out.

That act done, he changed into a pair of comfortable sweats, leaving his chest bare. It was still a little sore, and he didn't want to risk irritating the fading wounds by covering them with any fabric. He lay down on his bed and forced himself to close his eyes.

Unbidden, the memories washed over him. He was fourteen, hanging from a chain as two guards beat him to near unconsciousness while Kodos loomed over him, asking him questions. He watched helplessly as his cousin Lisa was brutally attacked and murdered. Months of starvation, fear, panic, dread, and desperation. His aunt and uncle, Lisa, Anya, Hoshi, so many other innocent people, killed.

His fault. He and Tom had found the fungus, but he was the one who told Kodos. He was the one who believed the governor when the man said he would take care of it. He had waited too long, trusted Kodos' lies. He hadn't been able to protect his crew and Anya had died. He was the reason Kevin and Lisa had gotten caught.

Kodos, smiling serenely as his guards whipped Jim until there wasn't an unmarked area on his back, watching with parental disappointment as Jim refused to answer his questions, observing sorrowfully as the guards carved Jim up with a razor sharp knife and pressed a red-hot iron to his chest, his back, and in one agonizing instance, thrust it through his side, the hot metal searing and cauterizing the wound even as it pierced the skin.

God damn it. Jim rubbed a hand weakly across his face in an effort to scrub the memories away, while unbidden, the other hand moved to finger the knot of white scar tissue on his hip, recalling the fire inside as the metal pierced his skin.

After a minute of wasted effort, he knew the memories wouldn't be so easily pushed down.

With a sigh, the Captain levered himself out of bed, and made his way to his living room area, where the low table was stacked high with PADDs. If he couldn't sleep, he might as well do something productive.

**XXX**

Hours must have passed, but Jim didn't realize how much time he had spent reading over reports and filling out paperwork until a hesitant knock sounded at his door.

He looked up, startled, and set the PADD down, stopping briefly to pick up a discarded sweatshirt and pull it on before he answered the door.

Pavel was waiting on the other side, and Jim almost let out a resigned sigh, but managed to hold it in and keep his expression neutral as he waved the Navigator inside.

Pavel fidgeted nervously as Jim led him over to the couch. They both sat down, and Jim attempted a reassuring smile that didn't do much to put the younger man at ease.

Pavel bit his lip, his gaze focused on his lap. "Doctor McCoy has ordered us all to take today off," he informed the Captain, "even though none of us are really injured."

Jim shrugged lightly. "It's a good idea," he said softly. "You could all use the rest."

"And you?" Pavel asked, finally looking up, his eyes wide with worry.

Jim grimaced. "I'm fine," he promised. "I'm sure Bones would disagree, but I know my own body. Trust me. I've had worse."

He regretted saying that last part; after what was admittedly a restless night of burying himself in work so that he wouldn't have to do anything to get himself under control, his mental acuities weren't exactly back to normal yet.

His communicator dinged, and with an apologetic shrug, Jim quickly picked the device up and read the message from McCoy. It was short and abrasive, informing him that he was off duty for the next three days, and if he set even one toe on the Bridge before McCoy officially cleared him, the doctor would make it a week. It then berated him for leaving Medbay without permission, but Jim knew that Bones understood; if the doctor hadn't, he would have come down to Jim's quarters last night to drag him back. Bones knew why Jim didn't want to stay, and his lack of communication until now told the Captain he wasn't really mad, just concerned.

Jim glanced up and offered Pavel a smile. "Looks like I've got three days," he informed the Ensign.

Pavel returned the smile weakly, but his heart wasn't really in it. Jim let out a soft sigh, and waited for the inevitable inquisition.

It took another minute for Pavel to work up his courage to ask. "That wasn't the first time, was it?" Jim raised an eyebrow, and Pavel sniffed slightly. "You never talk about what happened back on…" he couldn't even make himself say the name, especially not after seeing the way Jim stiffened with just the slightest allusion to that godforsaken planet. Pavel gave a one-shouldered shrug. "You were… weren't you?"

He didn't need to be specific, Jim knew what he was talking about, but he couldn't do this. He swallowed harshly and let the far wall draw his gaze. "I've had way worse than what those assholes down there did yesterday," he said quietly, knowing that probably wasn't very reassuring.

Indeed, Pavel flinched violently, and looked down. "That doesn't make me feel better," he replied dryly.

Jim gave a halfhearted chuckle. "I'm fine, Pasha," he promised. "A few bumps and bruises, nothing life-threatening. Seriously, kid, don't worry so much."

Pavel still didn't look completely convinced, but he let Jim steer the conversation in another direction, and they spent another hour talking about some experiments in the science labs.

When the Navigator finally left, he definitely looked and felt better. So did Jim, in fact. Getting out of his head and talking about something not related to this most recent experience or his previous one without a doubt had helped him put some of it back in the box. He would be fine by the time he returned to active duty, as long as he didn't have to talk to anyone too much in the interim.

Jim knew how his friends all dealt with their issues; he was observant, and he always tried to be the best friend he could be, so he knew how to handle their moods – Bones would barricade himself in his room and drink an entire bottle of whisky while cursing whatever or whoever it was that was causing him problems.

Scotty would bury himself in the Engineering deck, working on any miniscule issue that he could find, and performing questionably legal upgrades that he really should get approval for first, but Jim always let him do it and let it slide because if there was one person he trusted with the _Enterprise_ more than himself, it was Scotty.

Gaila would find the nearest willing being – male, female, or otherwise – and have sex.

Sulu liked to work himself to exhaustion in the gym, mostly by sparring with any willing opponents, using whatever medium he could – fencing, hand-to-hand, boxing, or other. He liked to be around people, to work out his issues physically and mentally.

Pavel usually buried himself in math, or came to Jim with his issues, depending on the situation.

Spock meditated, usually preferring to deal with any problems on his own, though Jim had been getting better at drawing him out by offering to play the Vulcan in chess. Those matches had become more vocal, and Spock was slowly starting to bring his issues to his Captain when they arose.

Kevin would come to Jim, no matter what. Jim was like his older brother, and he always trusted that no problem was too small for the Captain to help with.

April chose to get lost in some medical journal, reading about the latest discoveries and ignoring whatever was bothering her until it either went away, or she couldn't anymore. If it was the latter, she would generally go to him or McCoy to talk it out.

And Uhura liked to talk about it immediately, work through it, and move on. She tended to go to either Jim, Spock, or Gaila, depending on the issue.

Jim was still figuring Carol out, but he knew that she was a straightforward person, and much like Uhura in that she preferred to get whatever was bothering her out in the open so that they could deal with it.

So Jim knew how each of his friends coped, but he also knew that he was different from all of them, and he just needed them to let him figure his shit out on his own. Jim didn't like to talk about it, he didn't want to socialize, and he didn't want to get drunk.

He just needed time to himself to gather each and every turbulent emotion and horrible memory and shove it back into the dark corner of his mind labeled 'don't go there, asshole'. Sure, the common sense part of his brain knew that it wasn't healthy, but it had worked fairly well for him so far, so he didn't feel the need to mess with his screwed up system. He just needed to be alone so that he didn't have to worry about putting on a front for anyone else, because as much as he liked and trusted his friends, he still wasn't comfortable letting them see him like this.

Fortunately, they all decided to leave him alone for most of the day; Jim suspected either Pavel or Bones had told them not to bother him.

It was late evening when his door chimed, informing him of a visitor. With a weary sigh, Jim answered the door, surprised to see Kevin standing nervously on the other side.

He gestured for the younger man to enter, and they stood awkwardly by the door for several minutes, neither one seeming to want to take the initiative to speak.

Finally, Kevin drew in a deep breath. "Pavel told me what happened," he said bluntly.

Jim grimaced, but shrugged. "I'm fine," he said simply, but by the look on Kevin's face, he wasn't very convincing. Honestly, Jim really wasn't sure how much of that statement was really true, and he knew that Kevin knew that as well.

Kevin bit his lip, fidgeting slightly as he briefly considered whether or not he should contradict the older man. Finally, he let out a short huff of air. "You don't owe any of us anything, Jim," he reassured. "But you know you don't have to deal with everything alone. I'll see you later, yeah?"

He didn't wait for a response, and just rested a hand lightly on Jim's shoulder for half a second, before he left.

Jim stood there for a few moments longer, gaze focused on the closed door, thinking about how much Kevin had grown up from that terrified little boy he had tried so hard to protect – _had failed to protect_ – all those years ago.

With another weary sigh, he finally dragged himself back to his bedroom, hoping that sleep would come a little easier tonight. He sent a brief comm. to Carol before lying down, promising her that he was fine, and telling her that he just needed a little time to himself, but he'd see her tomorrow. Her response was full of understanding, alleviating Jim's worries that he would drive her away with his inability to open up or let her see him while he was still processing. He hoped she was all right; after all, getting kidnapped and forced to watch someone you care about tortured couldn't be pleasant. But the tone of her message sounded fine, if a little hesitant, and she offered to stop by at some point the next day, which he quickly accepted, not wanting to risk further alienating his girlfriend.

**XXX**

Chris waited until the next day to comm. him. Jim was eager to have an excuse to set the paperwork aside and took the call willingly, even if he was a little apprehensive about what the Admiral might want to discuss.

Chris, for his part, had read through the reports that had been filed by all members of the away team, and was sickened to draw similarities to the half-dead teenager he had found abandoned in a torture chamber all those years ago.

Jim looked healthy but tired when he accepted the call, and Chris immediately furrowed his brow in concern. "You all right, kid? You look like you haven't slept in days."

Jim grimaced slightly, knowing that the Admiral wasn't that far off the mark. He hadn't been able to get more than an hour of sleep last night, before he put on some workout clothes and headed to the ship's gym. When he had returned to his quarters hours later, well before anyone might actually see him working out and tattle to McCoy, he didn't exactly feel better or more relaxed, but he had been successful at exhausting himself enough that the memories were no longer at the forefront of his mind.

Knowing that Chris was still waiting for an answer, Jim just offered up a halfhearted shrug. "I'm fine," he placated, hoping he sounded more convincing than he thought he did. He had really been saying that way too much lately.

Chris raised an eyebrow skeptically. "It's me, Jim. I'm not an Admiral right now, and I'm not your superior officer. It's just me. You don't have to lie, or pretend. This call is encrypted, no one can listen in or record it. I read the reports, and I know what you're going through right now. You don't have to tell me anything, but you know I would never judge you."

Jim fidgeted slightly, looking down to avoid the understanding shining in the older man's eyes. He wasn't used to people knowing what he wanted, and more than that, actually listening to what he wasn't saying and letting him control the situation.

Chris waited several minutes, wanting to prove to Jim that he meant what he said. He wanted the kid to talk to him, but he would never force Jim to do something he didn't want to do. That was why he had never pushed back then, why he had done nothing beyond offer the teenager a bed when he had shown up after running away from Riverside, why he hadn't tried to get him to stay or called anyone, and hadn't looked for him when the kid had disappeared sometime in the night after Chris had patched him up.

Finally, Jim let out a weary sigh and slumped down in his seat, resting his elbows on the table and scrubbing one hand across his face in an effort to get rid of the burning sensation behind his eyes. It didn't work.

"I've tried really hard to put behind me," he admitted quietly. "I thought I had." Chris winced sympathetically, wanting nothing more than to be there in person so that he could give the younger man a hug. Jim groaned tiredly and glanced up, his bloodshot eyes meeting the Admiral's worried gaze through the comm. "I really thought I was over it," he said, his tone seeking approval, or maybe absolution. "I moved on, I put it away and I refused to let it rule my life. I thought I was fine, but then…" He looked down, swallowing harshly. "I was back there, and _he_ was the one standing over me." Chris knew exactly what he was talking about, even if Jim couldn't bring himself to actually speak the name. "It brought everything back, and now… maybe I'm not as over it as I thought?"

Chris let out a gusty sigh. "I'm sorry Jim. I wish I was there. You know I'm always here to talk, but I know it'd be easier if it was face to face. It probably doesn't feel like it, but talking does help. Is there anyone there you could go to? I'm sure any of your friends would be a good sounding board."

Jim winced and shook his head. "I can't." He looked slightly panicked, and Chris knew he had maybe put a toe over the line. "They don't… They wouldn't… I can't tell them."

Chris leaned forward slightly. "What about someone who already knows? Ensign Riley, or maybe Doctor Vanderbilt? Ensign Chekov could be another possibility."

Jim just kept shaking his head. "They don't need to… I don't want them to…" He didn't seem to be able to finish the sentence, but Chris thought he understood.

Jim always felt like he had to be the strong one, and back on Tarsus, he had been the leader. Jim didn't want Riley to see the man who had saved him as anything less than strong and whole. Same with the other two, though Chris thought that he might be more willing to talk to Doctor Vanderbilt, if push came to shove. Those two were the closest in age, and April had been one of the leaders on Tarsus as well.

"You don't have to, Jim," he tried to placate the Captain. "I just thought it might help. But it's your life, and you know you better than anyone else. Please know that you can contact me any time though, OK? Don't be a stranger, I miss you."

Jim flinched minutely, feeling bad that he hadn't been talking to the Admiral as much lately, as he had in the year immediately following his promotion to Captain. "Sorry," he apologized, but Chris waved it off, understanding that sometimes out in the black, time tended to flow together and lose meaning. "I should probably get going, but I'll try to comm. you soon."

Chris nodded. "Get some sleep, Jim. You look like you could use it."

Jim grimaced, but inclined his head, and signed off.

Interestingly enough, he did feel slightly better, and briefly considered Chris' claim that talking helped. So maybe the Admiral had a point, but Jim didn't see himself ever actually being able to tell his friends about his time on Tarsus. He couldn't talk to Kevin or Pavel either; he was a leader to them. They didn't need to know how affected he had been, _still was_ , by that planet. They didn't need to know that he still had nightmares, that he was self-conscious whenever he went without a shirt, that he felt incredibly disconnected to the rest of the universe.

He could call Tom. He always liked talking to his first First Officer, and he didn't feel like he had to hold anything back with the man. They had been leaders together on that planet, and Tom understood his hesitation at letting anyone else in. But Tom was busy too, and didn't need to deal with all of Jim's crap.

Maybe he could have dinner with April sometime. While he had technically led her as well, she had been their CMO, and had shouldered a great deal of burden on that planet. She might understand better than anyone else on the _Enterprise_ , but it was still different. No one could really relate to the weeks of torture he had endured. The horrible betrayal of having a man he had looked up to as a parental type of figure use him, have men tear his skin open, break bones, burn him, _mutilate him_ , and then leave him for dead. No one truly understood what he had gone through on that planet, not even Chris, as much as the older man tried.

But Kodos had been like a father. Or what he imagined a father could be like, at least before he had met Chris. He had made Jim feel special, wanted, _important_. He had made Jim feel like he mattered, and that was something Jim had never known before Tarsus.

He had lost so much more than a few pounds and a lot of blood on that planet. He wouldn't say he had lost his innocence, because he didn't think he'd ever had that – how could he, when his mother and brother had let him know from the moment he had been born, that it was his fault his father was dead?

But he had lost a sense of belonging, and the first family he had ever known. On Tarsus, he had almost thought he could actually depend on other people for things. But then his aunt and uncle had been killed, and Kodos had betrayed him so completely, and he just decided that it wasn't worth it.

It wasn't until recently that he had started to reevaluate that opinion. With Bones, and Uhura, and Spock, Scotty, Sulu, Pavel, and especially Carol. Maybe he was supposed to be able to rely on other people. Maybe every lesson he had had punched, hammered, and beaten into him was wrong. It was an interesting thought.

Jim was drawn from his thoughts by the chime of his door, and he quickly hurried over to let Carol in.

The Lieutenant looked nervous and concerned as she followed Jim back to the living room, taking a seat next to him hesitantly. "I'm sorry I haven't come by earlier," she said softly, looking down at her lap.

Jim reached over and grasped her hand gently, smiling slightly when she looked up and met his gaze. "It's fine," he replied. Carol raised an eyebrow, and Jim shrugged. "I'm fine, Carol. I know it must have been really scary for you, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

Carol immediately jerked back, staring at him incredulously. "Seriously Jim? You were tortured, and you're apologizing?"

Jim grimaced but nodded slightly. "Sorry?"

Carol sighed and rolled her eyes. "Jim, I didn't come here looking for comfort. I was terrified, watching you get hurt down there. I was angry, furious even, and I hated seeing you go through that. I came here today to make sure _you_ are all right."

Jim slumped slightly, his shoulders dropping, to Carol's immediate concern. "I'm fine," he said again. "Really. I know how it looked down there, but I promise, I'm all right."

Carol frowned, shifting so that she was closer to her boyfriend. "Jim… you didn't make a sound. I know you've got a past, we all do… but throughout all that, you didn't make a sound… I just…" she looked down, wilting as she lost momentum. "I never want to make you uncomfortable or push you to tell me more than you're willing, it was just… unexpected."

Jim forced himself to take a deep breath before responding, knowing that Carol wanted answers, but not quite willing to take that step just yet.

Finally, he grimaced and looked up, his expression understanding but with a hint of steel behind his bright blue gaze that told Carol she probably wouldn't be getting any real answers today. "Carol, I know what you want, but I just…" He looked away, swallowing harshly. "Please don't ask me. Because if you do, there's a chance I might actually tell you, and I can't."

Carol was definitely curious now, but more important than satisfying her curiosity was making sure Jim was all right. She wanted to know, but she didn't want to know at the expense of her boyfriend.

"It's OK," she murmured, leaning forward to give him a light hug. Pulling back, she smiled softly and grasped his hand reassuringly. "Jim, it's all right. I do want to know whatever it is you're hiding, but I want you to be comfortable telling me. I won't force anything. You're allowed to have secrets, as much as I wish you could trust me when I say that whatever it is won't make me leave. I hope that someday, you will believe me."

Jim flinched slightly. He liked Carol, a lot, but self-preservation always won out. He had spent years burying everything and refusing to deal with it. He had convinced himself that his friends would never treat him the same if they knew, and it wasn't easy to change that belief. He didn't want to deal with their pity, or even worse, shame or disappointment. Maybe they wouldn't actually treat him that way, but he didn't want to take that chance.

Carol sighed resignedly. "I should let you get some sleep. Unless you want me to stay?"

Jim bit his lip, considering. He did want her to stay, but he was hesitant to risk questions or her seeing a nightmare. He was exhausted though, and he really needed a good night's sleep; maybe Carol could help with that.

He smiled slightly, and stood up, pulling Carol to her feet. "Stay," he said quietly, leading her back to the bedroom.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this didn't come out yesterday. I've been so busy with school I completely forgot it was Saturday!

Jim returned to active duty on schedule, three days after his escape from Medbay. Most of the crew was just happy to see him back on the Bridge; it was only the command crew who really had any insight to just how messed up everything had gotten, so thankfully they were the only ones Jim felt like he had to actively avoid for any real period of time. Not that he would put it like that. He didn't actually avoid any of them, unless you counted his near single-minded focus when it came to escaping any situation that might turn personal.

He and Carol spent a lot of time together, as Jim made every effort to show his healthy, happy face to the crew over his forced three day recovery – he honestly thought he was able to return to work after a day like everyone else who had been caught in the attack, but he knew better than to question McCoy when the doctor was in this kind of mood.

Stories and rumors had circulated, and Jim was on the receiving end of more awe-inspired looks than usual in the days following the attack. When he cheered Sulu on from the sidelines in the gym as the pilot grabbed any security officer who was willing be used as a stress reliever in the hand-to-hand training ring – since McCoy had banned Jim from participating himself, and he was usually the one who fought against Sulu in the ring – people stared. When Jim and Carol spent evenings on ODs and in the rec rooms on various levels, people whispered.

Jim knew what they were saying; the rumors were getting out of hand, promoting him to an even more exalted status. He had held up against K'miri rebels, kept his mouth shut and not broken in the face of torture.

Jim just hoped the hype would die down eventually. He didn't want his crew to treat him like a god. He wasn't. He wasn't perfect and he hated being looked at like he could walk on water. He had made so many mistakes in his life, and knowing that people thought him to be more than he was just made him uncomfortable.

Fortunately, things seemed to be going back to normal as Jim stepped onto the Bridge three days after the incident, still looking tired, but overall healthy, with an easy bright smile for the crew who all looked incredibly relieved to see him back. Spock was a decent stand-in, but Jim was their Captain. He was the one they felt comfortable with in the chair, calling out orders and offering them a calm and steady presence to lean on.

Just hearing the rumors of what he had been through on that planet had been distressing. More than one person contemplated sneaking down to exact revenge on the group of K'miris who had hurt their Captain. And more than one wondered why they were still even in orbit. Shouldn't they leave? It seemed like this race didn't want Starfleet involved, so why fight that?

But Jim was adamant that they not condemn the whole race for the actions of a few individuals. He had spoken with the Emperor briefly, and accepted apologies along with an invitation to attend a banquet held in Starfleet's honor the next evening. He would go down earlier in the day with a few officers to begin the process of petitioning for admittance to the Federation, and then others would beam down for the banquet later on.

Jim couldn't get out of the security detail Spock forced on him ("It is the duty of the First Officer to ensure his Captain's wellbeing, no matter his superior's erroneous views"), so it was with well-hidden resignation that he dutifully beamed down with Uhura and half a dozen guards.

The Emperor was waiting with his own contingent of guards, and both appeared to share a disinclination for the extra security as they made their way to the K'miri's office.

The Emperor was incredibly apologetic, and very grateful that Jim was still willing to pass along their petition, despite everything.

Jim just smiled and assured the Emperor that he didn't believe in holding someone accountable for something unless it was actually their fault.

Relieved, the Emperor spent the rest of the day with the two Starfleet officers and several advisors and political members, working out wording and details.

By dinner time, everyone was happy with the initial document. Jim and the _Enterprise_ wouldn't be staying much longer – they were due to leave the next day – but another Starfleet representative would be in contact, and the K'miri would likely get another visit from the Federation within the next few months.

**XXX**

As the _Enterprise_ pulled away from the planet the next day, Jim felt some of the jubilance that came from a successful mission creep over him. Sure, things hadn't exactly gone to plan, but they left on good terms with the K'miri, the Emperor was pleased and eager to be included in the Federation, the Federation would soon have access to a planet rich in dilithium, and other than Jim, no one had been seriously hurt. Jim knew that attitude annoyed the hell out of Bones, but the truth was, as long as no one other than Jim got hurt – or at least, badly hurt – he would always consider that a win.

"So what's next?" Sulu asked as they all gathered for dinner that evening. Everyone looked to Jim, but the Captain just shrugged, taking a sip of his water.

"No orders yet," he informed them. "I think Pike's keeping Komack off our backs for a bit, to give us a break. So until a new mission comes in, we're exploring."

McCoy grumbled a little, but they all knew that was just the doctor's way of making sure everyone knew how unhappy he was with being in space.

Joanna glanced up at her father and frowned at him with an expression so like Jim, that the entire group stared at the seven-year-old. "Daddy, you know you don't hate being here as much as you pretend. You said you liked the view."

Jim snorted, while the others all hid their smiles, and McCoy gaped at his daughter.

Joanna just continued to give her father the patronizing look he was so used to seeing on his best friend. Had he been letting Jim babysit too much? "Uncle Jim says that complaining is how you communicate, but I think that's just his way of saying you like the sound of your own voice."

Jim looked suddenly wary as McCoy leveled a fierce glare in his direction, but Joanna just smiled sweetly and went back to her dinner.

Jim fidgeted uncomfortably as everyone continued to look between him and Joanna for another minute, wondering if he should beat a hasty retreat. After a long moment of silence, McCoy looked around the table and gave everyone a wide-sweeping glare, before returning to his meal. The others, still smiling, followed suit. Jim breathed a quiet sigh of relief as he continued eating his own dinner, glad to have avoided any loud yelling. Though Bones could just be waiting until they were alone. He wouldn't rule that possibility out.

Jim resolved to be hyper-vigilant for the foreseeable future, just in case.

**XXX**

Jim knew he was right in his estimation that Chris was probably running interference back on Earth – either him, or Jon or Richard. Either way, someone was keeping Komack from handing the _Enterprise_ another mission as the next few months passed quietly.

They drifted for a while, slowly making their way in the direction of the Romulan-Federation border of the Neutral Zone. While they had received no official orders, Jon had contacted Jim privately a few weeks earlier and requested he start heading over there, 'just in case'.

Sure enough, less than three days after that call, Komack finally contacted them, fully disgruntled and less agreeable than usual, as he demanded the _Enterprise_ remain at the border for the next two months, mapping the space and keeping an eye out for any anomalies.

Jim knew why their presence could do some good there, but it still set the entire crew on edge, to spend so much time so close to the borders of the race that had decimated the Vulcans and Starfleet over two years ago. Starfleet had been good about putting their officers out there, showing their faces to the Federation and assuring members that they were still strong. In particular, Starfleet had been making an effort to step up patrols along the Romulan and Klingon borders of the Neutral Zone, assuring border colonies and planets in particular, that there was nothing to worry about.

Having the _Enterprise_ , especially, on the border, told the Federation and its enemies that they weren't broken, and they wouldn't be cowed by the actions of a few crazy Romulans. It also told both the Romulans and the Klingons that the Federation wouldn't tolerate any additional attempts.

For the most part, it seemed to be working; having Federation ships out there showing their faces to the public – allies and enemies – had done a great deal of good to those members who may have been concerned that such a horrible massacre would cause the Federation to crumble. Sure, they had had a few species attempt to defect, and the _Yorktown_ had had to make it very clear to one race that if they continued to deal with Klingons under the table the Federation would dismiss them, but for the most part, there were no major issues.

Fortunately, everything was quiet as the next two months passed, and the crew breathed a sigh of relief when they finished up and received new orders to study a star closer to the border between Alpha and Beta quadrants. Apparently, it was scheduled to go super nova soon, and Komack wanted them to make sure no nearby planets would get caught in the explosion.

Since there was no real rush – Jim had read the reports, and despite Komack's demands that they get it done, the star wasn't supposed to have any real activity for at least another two years, and more likely, five years – when Scotty asked him privately if they could slow it down a bit, to give him time to run some system checks and upgrade a few things, the Captain agreed, with only a little apprehension.

Scotty was very cagey when Jim asked if the upgrades were really necessary. "We were upgraded on Earth within the last few years," he reminded the Engineer. "Surely we haven't gotten that out of date yet."

Scotty shrugged sheepishly. "I promise it's nothing harmful," he said evasively. "Just a few things that could be better."

Jim wasn't entirely convinced, but he trusted the Scotsman with his ship, so he agreed, and told Sulu to set their course at Warp Two, giving them a little more than a week of travel before they arrived at the star.

Everyone was very happy to have the quiet time. True, life on a starship could get boring at times, but with the most recent excitement, people were just happy to have no major crises, as they slowly traveled to their next assignment.

**XXX**

April glanced up as McCoy let out yet another sigh, his fifth in two minutes. His attention was fixed on the PADD in his hands. She looked over and saw that Joanna was immersed in the children's educational program that was playing in the living area. She turned back to her… boyfriend? Things always got complicated when superior officers were involved, but she didn't think they had really had that conversation yet, so she had no idea what to call him. Come to think of it, they had been dating for months, maybe it was time to discuss the status or their relationship. Every time she tried to bring it up, she lost her nerve, afraid that Leonard didn't want to make any more commitments, after what had happened with his ex-wife.

"Everything all right over there?" April asked curiously.

McCoy looked up sharply, almost surprised to see someone sitting next to him. He had gotten so caught up in reading about a new medical study, he had completely forgotten that April had come over that afternoon. The two had spent the last few hours in silence, McCoy reading medical journals and April studying for a test she had to take within the next couple of days, while Joanna watched entertainment programs.

Shrugging noncommittally, he glanced down at the PADD in his hands. "Rumlow's an idiot," he grumbled.

April chuckled lightly. "Rumlow's one of the top surgeons in the Alpha Quadrant," she countered. "His methods may be unorthodox, but I thought you liked that."

Leonard rolled his eyes, tossing the PADD down on the table. "When it's necessary, sure. I believe in doing whatever it takes to save the patient, even if it bends regulations."

April's chuckle turned into more of a laugh as she smiled widely. "That's why you and Jim get along so well," she told him amusedly. "You've got the same view of rules and regulations."

Leonard scowled slightly, though he wasn't really mad. "Jim enjoys setting the rule book on fire and throwing it out the window," he retorted.

April was the one to roll her eyes this time. "He believes in doing whatever it takes to get everyone back alive."

"Except himself," Leonard muttered under his breath, but April heard him, and winced as she knew he was right. Jim really did have a skewed view of his own self-worth.

"So he focuses on getting everyone else out, and you focus on getting him out," she amended. "Not ideal, but it seems to be working so far. Anyway," April forcefully changed the subject, not wanting to think about Jim in danger anymore, "what is it that's got you so annoyed?"

Leonard sighed again, and shook his head. "It's nothing," he assured her. "A controversial study he conducted is getting mixed results."

"Anything interesting?"

Leonard jerked one shoulder in a facsimile of a shrug. "The neurological effects of the Kamaraazite Flu if left untreated. Nothing fascinating, but the study's come under a lot of fire for their methods in conducting research. Like I said, not very interesting," he shook himself off and put the PADD down. "How're your classes coming?"

April let out a soft groan, lowering her own PADD. "I am so ready to graduate," she groused. "I mean, I am so thankful to Starfleet for setting this up for me, and to Jim for really being the one to make it happen, but what the hell was I thinking? Doing all of this from a distance while still keeping a full-time job? I must be crazy."

Leonard chuckled, reaching over to grasp one of her hands lightly. "Jim would probably tell you to suck it up, and that if he could complete all the requirements to graduate in two separate tracks, command qualified, in three years, you can do this no problem."

"But what would you say?" April asked archly, throwing him a soft glare at the notion that she could even compare to Jim. The guy was a genius, of course he could do all that without issue. She wasn't anywhere near his level.

Leonard rolled his eyes. "I say that you're doing a great job, and I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just keep doing what you're doing, and if you ever need a break, let me know. I'm happy to schedule you for a few days off if you feel the pressure getting to you."

April smiled lightly, grateful that he was so supportive. "Thanks," she said, leaning into his side and letting the PADD drop to the floor. She had done enough studying today. Leonard was right; she shouldn't worry so much. She already knew most of what she was studying. For Christ's sake, she had already graduated medical school and completed her Residency. She had been working as a doctor for years. She didn't know why she was stressing out so much over these classes.

Leonard had no problems letting his own PADD go as well, much more interested in relaxing with April than he was reading about a study conducted by an asshole. He had met Rumlow once – he was honestly surprised the guy could fit through doors, his head was so big.

April let out a contented moan, and Leonard wrapped his arms around her gently, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

After several minutes where the sounds of Joanna's entertainment program filled the silence, April sighed resignedly and propped herself up slightly, so that she could look Leonard in the eye. "Can we talk?" she asked hesitantly.

Leonard raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound good," he replied slowly.

April grimaced but forced herself to continue. "It's just… we've been seeing each other for a while now, and I feel like we should talk about… you know…" she blushed and looked down. "I'm no good at this," she admitted under her breath. Looking back up, she swallowed and shook her head slightly. "I like to know where I stand with people, and I feel like we should discuss where this relationship is going. Is it a relationship? We spend a lot of time together, we kiss, we have sex, I look after Joanna when you need a babysitter, but what are we?"

McCoy pursed his lips in thought as he tried to think of something that would settle April's nerves. He did understand why they needed to discuss this – they had been dating for months, and had yet to even say the words, really. But he was just wary of any romantic relationship, after his disaster of a marriage.

"I know you've had a pretty bad experience," April rushed on when it looked like Leonard wasn't going to speak. "I don't want to push you or anything, but I need to know –"

She was cut off as Leonard leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss. "I'm not mad," he assured her. "You're right, we do need to talk about it. For better or worse, you're in my life now, and you're in Joanna's life. She's become pretty attached, and I don't want to disappoint her."

April smiled weakly. "I don't want to disappoint her either. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing," she admitted. "I don't really have a whole lot of experience taking care of kids." Well, she had some, but that had only been for a short period of time after Anya had died, when Jim had had to go on a food run or during those hellish few weeks after he and Tom had been captured; and considering it had been in the middle of a genocide where the kids all knew that they had to be on their best behavior or die, she didn't think it really counted too much.

Leonard smiled reassuringly. "You're doing a great job," he promised. "Joanna loves you." He bit his lip contemplatively, wondering if he should mention the times she had ask him if she could call April 'mom'. It was probably too soon to have _that_ conversation. Instead, he grasped her hand gently and pulled her closer. "I didn't think I'd ever want to commit to anyone else after what happened with my ex-wife. Jocelyn was more interested in the money that could come from being married to a successful doctor, and me as a person was just a secondary consideration. We got married when I was still in med school, and I don't think she ever really asked about my personal ambitions, or whether I'd prefer to actually help everyone, rather than just those who could pay. It pissed her off when I spent so much time volunteering at clinics, and that stint with Doctors Without Borders nearly had her signing the divorce papers before Joanna even came into the equation." She probably only held off on those papers because Joanna had been conceived right in the middle of that period of time.

He had worried about his wife's desires and her lack of concern over his own, and wondered if he should give the volunteer work up, but he had loved the service with the charity organization; it was one of the oldest continuing nonprofit organizations around, having been formed back in the twentieth century. They had expanded with the advent of space travel, but there was still plenty of work to do on Earth for those who, like him, weren't too keen on outer space. It had been a wonderful experience to do some real good in the world, while also gaining skills and practice. His boss back in Atlanta had told him that his three years with the charity had given him the edge on every other applicant for the position he had filled at Atlanta General Hospital, and he found himself using a lot of the same skills from Doctors Without Borders in his position here on the _Enterprise_. There were a lot of the same requirements for thinking outside the box, acting quickly, and sometimes knocking a few heads together to get people to do what was necessary.

McCoy shook his head to clear it of errant thoughts, and snorted disgustedly. "I don't know why she was so insistent on getting Joanna in the settlement, considering she was never that eager to have kids. It was probably just because if she got her, I didn't, and she's a vindictive bitch."

April winced sympathetically. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," she offered, wondering what she could say. She had no experience with this. Her last relationship had ended badly, sure, but there were no kids involved, so that made it easier. Just her, leaving the space station cursing her bad taste in men as she angrily wished her ex-boyfriend luck with his new girlfriend. It would have been nice if he had broken up with April first.

McCoy shrugged. "It is what it is." He shook himself off and gave her another smile. "So yeah, I haven't exactly had the greatest luck with relationships in the past. Not that I regret being with Jocelyn, because I got an amazing daughter out of it." He grimaced. "I don't know exactly what to say here. We settled into this pretty easily, and other than the increased amount of time in bed together, it doesn't seem like too much has changed from before. But if you want me to say it, I will. April, I don't want to see anyone else. So what's say we do this thing, for real. Exclusive."

April snorted at the awkward way he stumbled through that last sentence. "Sounds great to me," she smiled brightly, leaning in to give him a kiss.

Leonard chuckled weakly, and then glanced over at where Joanna was sitting. He saw her quickly turn her head back to the vidscreen, and shook his head slightly, knowing that she had been watching them kiss. "You know," he hedged, turning back to April, "I could probably get Jim to babysit, if you want."

April raised an eyebrow, but didn't speak, instead choosing to push her now official boyfriend down onto his back, straddling him as she kissed him intensely.

Leonard had just enough presence of mind to call out, "Jo, you're spending the night with Uncle Jim, I'll help you pack a bag in a few minutes," before he let April draw him back into the kiss.

Joanna grinned eagerly, and quickly hopped off the couch to go to her room. Her daddy was busy, after all. She didn't need him to help her pack, she was almost eight years old, after all. She could get herself to Uncle Jim's quarters by herself. He was only a few doors down, really.

**XXX**

Just like Jim had thought, the star was in no danger of catching anyone unawares in the near future. The _Enterprise_ stuck around for two weeks monitoring, and the entire stellar cartography unit backed him up in their report that there was no need to do anything for another three years, but that they might want to consider alerting a nearby planet, the only one with life that could potentially be affected, to warn them to start thinking about their options, and let them know that Starfleet would assist with evacuations and the setup of a new colony on another planet if they chose.

There wasn't much for anyone else to do, and while the crew had enjoyed the quiet time after the excitement with the K'miri, they were getting a little bored.

A week after they finished their study of the star, a distress call came in from a planet near the Klingon border. Since the _Enterprise_ was the closest ship, they quickly wrapped up and went to assist.

When they dropped out of warp above the planet, they barely had time to blink before the ship rocked from the force of a hit.

The crew may have been young, but they were all professional and used to putting aside their fears to do their jobs.

Jim straightened in his seat. "Status," he barked.

"Shields holding at seventy percent," Lieutenant Ham reported from the Tactical console.

"Weapons systems ready to fire," Carol added.

"Do it," Jim replied, and didn't wait for her confirmation as he glanced over at his First Officer. "Spock?"

The Vulcan immediately stood up and moved to stand in his usual spot directly behind Jim's right shoulder. "The planet is nearly deserted, Captain. A trio of Starfleet officers mans an outpost on the surface. The planet is suitable for humans; however, it is inadvisable to spend more than fifteen minutes breathing unaided outside of the outpost. Thermal scans indicate a concentration of at least five bodies at the outpost."

Jim pursed his lips, as his eyes ghosted over the crew on the Bridge. Carol was coordinating with Chekov and Sulu to fire at the Klingon ships. "Chekov," he ordered, and the teenager immediately began his report.

"Three ships, sir. All using cloaking technology, so it is hard to get a lock."

Jim nodded sharply, and reached over to open a comm. "Lieutenant Hendorff, Doctor McCoy, meet me in the transporter room." He straightened up and looked at Spock again. "You have the con. Keep them occupied. I'll be back."

Spock clearly didn't like Jim taking this mission on himself – probably considering what had happened the last time he had left the ship – but as First Officer, he would never question his Captain in the midst of battle. They were too busy and this wasn't the time.

Jim's expression softened minutely, as he seemed to understand Spock's hesitation. "We'll be fine, Spock," he said softly, his voice carrying only to the Vulcan's sensitive ears.

Spock inclined his head and let Jim make his way briskly to the 'lift, heading down to the transporter.

When he arrived, the two requested officers were waiting for him. Jim glanced briefly at McCoy, wondering if he was really making the right call in having the doctor come along. But they had three officers on that planet, probably being held captive by Klingons, and it was more than likely that at least one of them was injured, so they should have a doctor come along, just in case.

Bringing the CMO wasn't Jim's first choice, but April couldn't technically participate on away missions just yet – not until she officially graduated, which would happen the next time they stopped at Earth, whenever that was. And at his last performance review with M'Benga, the doctor had indicated that he did not believe his skills could be best used on missions. McCoy had backed him up, saying that the younger doctor was better in an OR and in the Medbay, not in the field. Jim had observed him a few times, and knew that M'Benga was calm and collected under pressure, but he didn't feel comfortable going down to planet surfaces if it could at all be helped.

Hendorff was growing on Jim, which was why he had selected the up and coming Security Officer for this assignment. The man had been furious with himself at letting his Captain be injured on his watch during that whole incident with the K'miris, but Giotto's reports had spoken very highly of Jim's former classmate. Jim remembered him vaguely from that incident with Nyota at the bar, before he had enlisted, and knew that Hendorff had been a friend of Garth, the man who had kept hitting on Nyota even after she told him to stop. But Hendorff hadn't participated in the fight that had taken place when Jim had stepped in, and he had always seemed like more of a quiet presence at the Academy – he was part of Garth's group of friends that always seemed to be getting into trouble and picking fights, causing trouble whenever they felt like it; but he wasn't an active participant. After Jim had been given Captaincy and selected his crew, Hendorff had actually sought him out to apologize for his friends' actions at the Academy. Jim had been impressed, especially since he knew that Hendorff hadn't really been involved. The other man had actually apologized for that as well, for not doing more to stop them.

Scotty arrived as Jim was explaining the mission objective to the two, and butted in as soon as the Captain finished.

"There's an electrical storm producing activity between us and the surface," the Engineer reported. "We can get you down, but it won't be a quick beam out if you need it. I estimate a two minute window every half hour, where we can safely use the transporters. The next window should be in approximately ninety seconds."

Jim nodded and gestured for them to get on the transporter pad. "Will communicators work?" he asked hurriedly.

Scotty shrugged helplessly. "Uncertain, sir. Best bet is to do what you need to do within half an hour. We'll monitor your frequencies, and beam you back then, whether or not you're done."

Jim rolled his eyes at the overprotectiveness, but didn't reply as the transporter activated. In a whirlwind of lights, the trio vanished from the ship, to reappear on the surface of the planet.


	14. Chapter 14

They arrived on an open stretch of land a short distance away from an unobtrusive-looking building.

Jim gestured for the others to follow him, and they quickly headed towards the outpost. Jim knew that every outpost had more than one door, so he avoided the main entrance in favor of circling around the back. Fortunately, there were enough trees around to provide them cover from the two guards they could see standing outside the main door.

It took the Captain less than a minute to pop the keypad off and cross a few wires to get the door to open. McCoy just rolled his eyes at the show of skill, but Hendorff looked impressed, and the curiosity in his eyes told Jim that he would likely be on the receiving end of a whole lot of questions once they got back to the ship.

"How did you learn how to do that?" the Security officer asked quietly, as they watched the door slide open soundlessly.

Jim glanced at him and smirked slightly. "Misspent youth," he replied vaguely.

McCoy looked at him sharply, but didn't say anything as they stepped inside.

They made their way quickly down the dimly lit hall, Leonard keeping behind the two trained officers. He had a phaser in his hand, but he was a doctor, damn it, not a security officer. He wasn't trained for combat, beyond the basic courses everyone was required to take at the Academy.

Jim set the pace at quick but cautious; he knew that Scotty had meant what he said. In thirty minutes, whether or not they had finished, they would be beamed back. Jim had his doubts that that idea would work as well as the Engineer hoped – given the transporter issues with this mission, if they were still indoors, the chances of him actually getting a lock on their signals was dim.

He pushed those thoughts to the side for now though; they had a mission objective to complete, and Jim didn't intend on leaving anyone behind but the Klingons.

Knowing the vague layout of the outpost – all Starfleet outposts had the same general blueprint, and Jim had spent a lot of time learning all kinds of facts deemed useless until they were actually needed – he made an educated guess that their best bet was the control room. It was down the main hall and towards the center of the outpost, so the trio of officers headed in that direction, keeping their phasers ready.

But they encountered no signs of life until they neared the control room. A quick glance around the corner showed multiple bodies, so Jim quickly gestured for the other two to stop, as he knelt down and took another look, trying to keep out of sight. There appeared to be four Klingons. A cursory look showed three Starfleet Officers on the floor, all conscious, sporting what appeared to be nothing more than bruises and a few cuts, but Jim couldn't be certain until McCoy looked at them. He wasn't a doctor, after all.

He pulled back again and held up four fingers. Using hand signs, he gestured for McCoy to stay down and provide back up. The doctor didn't look thrilled, but didn't argue. At least he understood the gestures; Command and Security Tracks were required to study hand signs at the Academy, but it was an optional elective for everyone else. McCoy hadn't taken the class, but he had picked up enough from Jim over the years that he could sort of communicate, if necessary. And he could understand orders when given – most of the time.

Hendorff immediately nodded in understanding as Jim motioned for him to take the two Klingons on the right, while he handled the other two.

With a decisive nod, Jim quickly sprung up and cleared the corner, Hendorff following half a step behind.

Jim took down one Klingon before they realized he was there, but the second moved, and his shot impacted the wall instead.

The Klingon was bigger and broader, but Jim was quick on his feet and knew how to make his blows count. He lost his phaser almost immediately when the Klingon landed a lucky hit across his chest, but it didn't keep him down for long. After several minutes of dodging and landing precise hits to the right pressure points, he was rewarded when an upper cut to the solar plexus caused the Klingon to drop.

He glanced over to see how Hendorff was faring, and was just in time to see the Security officer take a hard blow to the chest; he flew backwards and impacted with the wall, sliding down to the floor where he lay stunned – he appeared to be conscious still, but by the way he blinked hazily at the ceiling, Jim didn't think he would be getting right back up.

Hendorff had already managed to take out the third Klingon, so Jim took a running leap and tackled the last one. They wrestled to the ground, and Jim almost had him in a chokehold, before the Klingon threw him back. He slid across the floor and came to a hard stop at a computer console. He forced himself to draw some air back into his winded lungs, and with one final burst of strength, he dove for the phaser he had lost earlier. It was lying half under another console. Jim barely managed to grasp onto it before the Klingon was on top of him once more.

He knew he was in a bad position; the Klingon had the upper hand, and he was still on the floor. He kicked upwards, aiming for the femoral artery, but he missed, and his foot glanced off of the Klingon's thigh. It did startle him though, and he took a small step back. It was enough for Jim to get the phaser up and fire, and the Klingon dropped like a stone.

Jim got himself to his feet, albeit a little shakily, and for good measure, stunned the second Klingon he had taken out, and then the other three once more. Just to be safe.

Once he was sure the Klingons wouldn't be rising any time soon, Jim gestured for McCoy to join them. The doctor did so, looking worried as he observed the beginnings of a bruise across the Captain's cheek, and the way he seemed to be favoring his left side.

But Jim waved him off and indicated the officers on the floor, while he went to give Hendorff a hand.

"Thanks, Captain," the Security officer muttered, wincing as he moved to a sitting position. He obliged as Jim waved a finger back and forth, tracking the movement with his eyes, knowing what the Captain was looking for.

Jim smiled slightly and lowered his hand. "Don't rush it," he advised. "You probably don't have a concussion, but you're going to have a pretty bad headache for a while."

Hendorff glanced at him curiously. "Impacted many walls before, sir?" he asked, a hint of humor inserting itself into his winded voice.

Jim almost grimaced, but he had had a lot of practice at controlling his emotions, so he just shrugged and didn't reply, instead helping the other man stand up. "The stars should go away soon," he said when he saw Hendorff blinking rapidly.

Hendorff nodded, and leaned against the wall, freeing Jim to go check on the officers they had rescued.

McCoy glanced up at him and nodded a distracted greeting. "Nothing too serious," he informed both the Captain and the officers. "Some bruises, a broken nose, and some of those cuts could stand to spend some time under the dermal regen, but nothing that should prevent anyone from walking out of here."

Jim inclined his head, relieved. "Do you want to try standing?" he asked the downed officers while checking his comm. for a timing update. "We've only got a few more minutes before the next beaming window, so we need to get out of here."

The officers glanced at each other, and then nodded and slowly stood up.

"Thank you, Captain," the one on the left said gratefully. "We weren't sure our distress signal got out."

Jim grinned. "The _Enterprise_ lives to serve," he replied cheekily.

The trio of officers shared a look, but Jim ignored it in favor of making sure Hendorff was able to walk, and gestured for all of them to head outside. "The back door," he told the rescued officers. "There were two Klingons at the main entrance when we arrived; I'd like to avoid them if possible."

"How much longer do we have?" McCoy asked, glancing around while keeping an eye on both Jim and Hendorff. The Security officer looked like he was doing fine on his own, but he could probably benefit from a night in Medbay. And Jim had definitely taken a few hard hits. Probably nothing serious, but he wouldn't let the Captain get away with not getting checked out.

Jim glanced at his comm. again. "One minute," he said, quickening his pace.

"And Scott can't beam us out inside?" McCoy knew he couldn't, but he really didn't want to stay down here longer than necessary.

Jim shrugged, glancing around cautiously, just in case they had missed anything on the way in. "He probably could," the Captain hedged, "but with my luck, he'd beam me back a girl or something. I'd rather not risk it."

McCoy rolled his eyes, while Hendorff looked like he didn't know whether or not to laugh, and the three rescued officers just looked confused, but Jim didn't elaborate, as he pushed the back door open, and gestured for them all to step outside.

Sure enough, less than five seconds after leaving the outpost, the swirling of lights surrounded them, and they all disappeared from the planet's surface, reappearing in the transporter room just as the ship rocked once more, likely from the continued defiance of the Klingon ships above the planet.

Jim didn't even give McCoy a chance to demand he follow them to Medbay, as he ran off the transporter pad and made his way back to the Bridge.

Spock immediately stood up from the Captain's chair as Jim entered, returning to his spot at the Science Station.

Jim noted several sharp inhalations upon his entrance, and one Lieutenant who had never worked a shift on the Bridge before – and was therefore not quite as used to her Captain's disregard for his own wellbeing as the others were – put a hand over her mouth as her eyes widened in alarm. But there were more important things than worrying about how bad he looked after taking out the Klingons on the surface, so he ignored his crew's reaction as he came to a stop next to his chair, forgoing the seat for the moment, and focusing on the task at hand.

"Hail the leader," he ordered, knowing without even looking over that Uhura would comply.

The screen blurred a moment later, and then showed the Bridge of one of the Klingon vessels.

Five Klingons were in their field of view, and it was pretty obvious that the one in the center was their Captain.

Jim was all business as he spoke, his expression neutral but there was a thread of steel in his voice. "You have kidnapped Federation citizens and Starfleet officers. At this time we will accept nothing less than your complete surrender."

The Klingon Captain laughed loudly, while the others all showed their amusement in superior looks and sneers. "I do not see how you are going to… what is the phrase you pigs use? Make me?" the Klingon grinned toothily. "Of course, Captain Kirk, I would be willing to negotiate for someone of more… importance."

Jim smirked, switching to Klingon, to the surprise of everyone in hearing distance – both on the _Enterprise_ and on the Klingon vessel. " _You've lost your leverage, Captain. We have already rescued our officers, and incapacitated your away team. What has become of your honor? What does your crew think of their disgraced leader?_ "

The Klingon let out a rage-fueled howl, and immediately cut the connection. A moment later, the three Birds of Prey that had been in their view disappeared.

Jim grimaced and gripped the armrest of his chair tightly, anticipating what would come next. So much for ending this quickly. "Chekov, report."

Pavel swallowed harshly, grimly pushing buttons and trying to get a lock on the enemy vessels. "I cannot find them, sir."

Whatever he was going to say next was cut off by the sudden blast from the left. The ship rocked, and Jim was thankful for his grasp on the chair, which kept him upright, barely. "Shields?" he didn't even look over at the tactical station, trusting his crew to do their jobs, instead focusing on the window in front of him, searching intently for some clue of the Klingons' position.

"Holding at sixty percent," was the reply.

Jim nodded distractedly, and then pointed at a spot off to the right of the window. "There. Two o'clock."

Chekov looked, but he couldn't see anything.

Jim could sense the confusion, and elaborated, "Look for what isn't there."

Chekov frowned, but went back to studying the stars. What was Jim talking… "Oh!" he immediately pushed a few buttons and fired several shots at what he could now see as an odd gap between the stars. It wasn't easy to catch, but there was a slight distortion at the location Jim had pointed out – a larger-than-normal space between groupings of stars.

The Klingon ship took the hit full-force, and immediately became visible as it listed to one side and started to fall. One more hit took them out completely, and Chekov's reflexes proved to be up to the task as a second Bird of Prey de-cloaked on their left; he took them out before they even had a chance to fire.

The third ship appeared to have had enough, and beat a hasty retreat.

No one on the Bridge relaxed, however, as Jim glanced over at the tactical station. "Scans?"

Carol turned around and nodded slightly. "We're alone, sir."

Jim inclined his head, and smiled slightly. "Nice work, everyone."

That was the cue for the rest of the crew to settle down slightly, though not completely letting down their guard, just in case the Klingons returned.

Jim took in a deep breath and let go of the armrest of his chair, straightening up. Years of practice kept him from showing his discomfort at what he knew to be several bruised ribs – well, one might be cracked, but since none were outright broken, he dismissed the pain. Klingons really knew how to throw their considerable strength behind their blows. Bastards.

Spock frowned minutely, but didn't comment. He was getting better at reading his enigmatic Captain, and if he were completely human, might have prided himself on being able to tell when the man was hiding injuries. But he wasn't, so instead, he just clasped his hands behind his back in a resting position, and questioned, "May I enquire as to where you learned to speak Klingon, Captain? Your accent appeared to be indicative of a native, though I will of course not claim to retain any knowledge of the language, not possessing the ability to converse, myself."

Everyone else on the Bridge looked interested as well. As far as they knew, the number of non-Klingons who could speak the language fluently could be counted on one hand.

Jim just shrugged. "A friend taught me a long time ago," he replied evasively.

It didn't answer the question satisfactorily for anyone, and Uhura was even more intrigued. The last person she knew of who had commanded such a level of control of the Klingon language had been Hoshi Sato. And as far as she was aware, the distinguished former Starfleet officer had died somewhere around fifteen years ago. She had been attempting to teach herself, but without a real instructor at the Academy, it was a slow process. Maybe Jim could help her?

Carol cleared her throat, interrupting what could have turned into an inquisition. "Now that the danger is over, Captain, perhaps it would be a good idea to submit yourself to Doctor McCoy's ministrations," she glared at him pointedly.

Jim almost protested, but knew better than to question Carol when she looked at him like that. He might be the Captain, but she could be very creative in her punishments whenever he did something she deemed as stupid. And it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get the cracked rib fixed up.

With a resigned sigh, he rolled his eyes and turned back to Spock. "You have the con. If anyone needs me, I'll be in Medbay."

He left the Bridge, heading down to Medical, hoping to get checked out quickly and be back in his chair before too long.

McCoy met him near the door, seemingly waiting for him – Carol must have informed him that Jim was coming down.

"They're all fine," he informed the Captain brusquely, leading him over to an empty biobed. "Hendorff's fine as well. I'm keeping him overnight just in case, but it's really just a broken rib and being stunned from hitting the wall. No concussion."

Jim nodded slightly. "Good." He hadn't thought there were any serious injuries, but it was nice to know for certain.

"Now, about you," McCoy held up a tricorder, staring intently at the screen as he waited for a diagnosis.

Jim felt like rolling his eyes, but managed to restrain himself. He knew that McCoy just worried about him. It could get annoying sometimes, but it was nice to have friends who cared. And a girlfriend who wasn't afraid to call him out and demand he look after himself every now and then.

Sure, it could be irritating on occasion – Jim had been taking care of himself his entire life – but if he was being honest, he knew that he didn't always do the best job. Sometimes he just got so caught up with everything else, he forgot about himself. So it was probably good that there were other people around ready to step in when he fell short.

So Jim waited patiently for McCoy to finish. After a minute of terse silence, the doctor sighed and lowered the tricorder. "One cracked rib," he said gruffly. "I'll set you up under the regen, and then we'll see about dealing with your face."

Jim raised an eyebrow, and McCoy huffed, reaching over to pull out a mirror from the table next to the bed. He handed it to the Captain, and Jim grimaced as he took in all the evidence from the fight with the Klingons.

There was a very noticeable bruise under his left eye, and a nasty gash over his right. Another bruise spread out from his jaw down to his neck, and a cut on the bridge of his nose was still bleeding slowly. No wonder everyone on the Bridge had reacted so strongly.

He handed the mirror back and settled into the bed to wait.

McCoy almost felt his jaw drop. "No arguments?" he asked incredulously.

Jim shrugged. "I figure you probably know what you're doing," he replied impishly, grinning at the man's sudden indignation.

"Know what I'm doing, of course I know what I'm doing…" Leonard's voice trailed off as he wandered away to get the osteorenerator, but Jim still caught a few words. "Goddamn doctor… bloody infant… insufferable…"

Jim's grin widened as he lay back further.

**XXX**

It took a little over an hour for McCoy to release Jim from his clutches. It probably wasn't nearly as long as the doctor would have liked, but Jim needed to inform the Admiralty and file a report, so it was with reluctance that McCoy let him get back to his job, as long as he promised to take it easy for the next few days, while the bruised ribs finished healing.

Jim promised, and quickly left Medbay before the doctor could change his mind.

When he returned to the Bridge, Spock informed him that he had already sent a preliminary report to Starfleet Headquarters, and Admiral Archer had requested that Jim comm. him at his earliest convenience.

Without even asking, Uhura immediately put in a call to the Admiral, hiding a knowing smirk when Jim glanced at her. She knew how to do her job.

Jim just smiled amusedly and waited for the call to connect.

It did so a few seconds later, and Jon raised an eyebrow at the fading bruise on Jim's cheek. "Please tell me the other guy looks worse," he commented dryly.

Jim shrugged. "I had him on the ropes," he replied offhandedly.

Archer rolled his eyes. "Admiral Komack has other obligations right now, so I'll take your report. I'm assuming by the preliminary report Commander Spock sent, the rescue was a success?"

Jim nodded, and concisely detailed their actions, from receiving the distress signal, to rescuing the officers on the planet.

When he finished, Jon inclined his head. "Good work," he praised, before looking over at Uhura's station. "Lieutenant, transfer this call to the Captain's Ready Room."

Uhura complied immediately, and Jim levered himself out of his chair with an inaudible groan. "I'll be right back."

He disappeared into his Ready Room, to find Jon waiting for him on the screen.

Dropping all formality, Jim jumped up so that he was sitting on his desk, leaning back slightly as his hands propped him up. "So what didn't you want to say in front of everyone else?" he asked curiously.

Jon rolled his eyes again. Trust Jim to be perceptive like that.

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Where's Komack, really?" he asked, interested. "Did you stuff him in a closet or something? Oh, don't tell me, you killed him and you and Richard hid the body together. Was Chris there? Why couldn't you wait for me? I would have been happy to help."

Jon groaned and held up a hand to forestall what was sure to be an amusing tangle of speculation.

Jim grinned. "Come on, Jon, you've got to admit, it could happen."

Jon shook his head exasperatedly. "If I ever need someone to hide a body, I'm sure you'd be more than willing to help. Komack's in another meeting. I told him I'd take the report so that you could get it over with. He wasn't pleased, but he didn't try and protest – too much, at least." He sighed and leaned back in his seat. "You did a good job, Jim. I'm glad no one was seriously injured. As for the officers you rescued, drop them off at Starbase 231 as soon as you can. We'll have transportation waiting to get them back to Earth. I'll send a team to assess the situation on Gamma Hydra IV, and determine whether or not we should re-staff the outpost."

Jim nodded slightly. "Tell the team to be careful," he said soberly. "We left six Klingons down there, and I don't know if the last ship picked them up before it left orbit."

Jon inclined his head. "Thanks for the warning," he replied, a hint of a smile in his voice even though his expression was serious. "Seriously though, you did good kid."

Jim determinedly did not blush in embarrassment. Jon recognized his discomfort with the praise, and wished he could do something to fix that, but knew it wasn't likely to happen. Jim had spent too long being treated as a waste of space by too many assholes that should have cared for him and told him every day how amazing he was. He had thought things were getting better, but maybe that was just with Chris. Jim always seemed to be OK taking the compliments from the younger Admiral. It was probably a trust thing, or maybe Jim looked at Chris as a sort of father, the same way Chris saw Jim as a son.

After a moment of silence, Jon just sighed and shuffled a PADD around his desk. "I'll let you get back to your job, and I should get back to mine. But do me a favor and let that doctor of yours fix you up, all right? You look like crap."

Jim grimaced and raised a hand to lightly touch the large bruise on his cheek. "I did," he protested. "And he's not _my_ doctor. My CMO, but he doesn't _belong_ to me."

Jon chuckled. "He's yours as much as you're his. You know he was courted for a lot of positions after the _Narada_ , right?"

Jim shrugged with one shoulder, his expression conveying interest with just a hint of confusion. "Yeah, well, he's a great doctor. Makes sense a lot of people would want him on their staff."

Jon nodded exasperatedly. "He turned down everything, point blank. Wouldn't even consider the offers to direct a medical center at two of our satellite campuses, or the CMO position on five other ships. He turned down the lab positions in two research facilities, and a spot on staff at Starfleet Medical. I asked him why, when he outright refused as soon as I informed him of the multiple requests for his abilities. He told me that he already had his spot." Jon coughed, almost hiding the chuckle as he added, "There was also something about how you'd manage to kill yourself in some gruesome and peculiar way if he wasn't there to pull your ass out of the fire. Interesting change from his entrance evaluation, when he specifically stated that he would prefer to be placed somewhere on solid ground, after graduation."

Jim definitely blushed now, though he was surprised to hear that Bones hadn't even considered other offers. He hadn't even really asked him to be the CMO on the _Enterprise_. It had just been an undeclared agreement. He hadn't realized how many other offers the doctor had had at the time, both on planet and from more established ships, even if the _Enterprise_ was the flagship. "He's a good friend," the Captain said softly.

Jon smiled. "He is," the Admiral agreed. "And I know it reassures Richard, Chris, and myself that he's up there watching your back."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Jon. Your confidence in me is inspiring." He jumped off the desk and fixed his shirt, which had started to ride up slightly, just enough for Jon to catch a glimpse of a fading bruise on his hip. "I should get back to work. We'll talk later."

Jon nodded quickly. "Sure thing. If I don't get back to these reports I probably won't be going home tonight."

Jim grinned cheekily. "You better finish then, or Richard might be upset. You know how he gets when he has to sleep alone." He signed off to Jon's spluttering denials, laughing quietly to himself as he rejoined his crew on the Bridge.

He knew they were curious about his humorous attitude, but he didn't offer up any explanation as he took a seat and relayed Archer's orders to drop the officers off at Starbase 231.

"ETA twelve hours thirty minutes," Sulu informed him after laying in the course.

Jim nodded. "Sounds good. No need to push anything, Sulu. Let's make sure Scotty has enough time to fix and illegally upgrade everything in Engineering before we get to a Starbase that will make him document everything."

Sulu and Chekov laughed, while Uhura and Carol hid their smiles, Spock raised an eyebrow in apparent fascination, and the rest of the crew pretended not to hear.

Jim just smiled good-naturedly and sat down to wait out the rest of Alpha shift.


	15. Chapter 15

The rescued officers were dropped off with no issues, grateful to be heading back to Earth for a hopefully peaceful break before they were reassigned. None of the three had any thoughts of resigning their commission – sure, this incident had shaken them up, but they were Starfleet officers. It was all part of the job.

Jim accepted their thanks one more time before the _Enterprise_ departed, heading back towards the Delta Quadrant in the hopes of new discovery.

It was grating on his nerves, to stick to these boundaries. They had an exploratory mission, so why couldn't they explore?

"Starfleet wants the flagship on hand, just in case," was the standard reply he gave out to every officer who asked, attempting to keep his voice and expression neutral so as not to convey his own distaste for the line.

And the officer usually just nodded and walked away, though not without offering up a disappointed look they only sometimes tried to hide.

Carol watched Jim as he let down yet another Science officer wondering why they weren't heading further out. "I'm sure we'll get our chance soon enough," she tried to placate her boyfriend.

Jim just shrugged and turned back to his dinner. "It's not that I don't get it," he replied morosely. "I do. With everything that's happened, Starfleet wants the flagship to stick around, just in case something comes up. The problem is that that's not what we were contracted to do." He took a bite of his pasta and chewed slowly. Swallowing, he continued, "The _Enterprise_ is an exploratory vessel. That's why a lot of us signed on, and that's what our contracts stipulate." He smiled softly at Carol. "Just like you, many other officers are on board because of those very provisos. I wish we could just _go_ , but I still have to answer to the Admirals."

Carol reached out and rested a hand lightly on his arm. "We all do," she commiserated. "We're still exploring, it's just not as new as many would like. But there's plenty to do even within our constraints. I know you don't like to play it safe like this, but I think you're doing a great job of giving us something new and exciting while still keeping to the restrictions the Admiralty has placed."

Jim smiled and leaned forward, giving her a quick kiss before they returned to their meals.

**XXX**

April bit her lip nervously as she glanced over at where Jim was sprawled out on the floor, half a dozen PADDs arrayed around him. She herself had chosen a slightly more comfortable spot on the couch, as she studied her course books. Leonard was on shift, or he would have been there as well. And like every other time he was on duty and she was not, she missed him.

Ever since they had officially recognized their relationship as exclusive and serious, it was like she couldn't get enough. She loved being with him and Joanna. She loved being a part of a family. That was something she hadn't really had in a long time. Not since Tarsus, honestly. Not since her parents had died; Jim had done a good job of creating a new family for her and the other kids in their group, but then they had all been separated, and hadn't kept in contact with any real regularity.

"Stop thinking so loud," Jim interrupted her thoughts. She started, and looked back at the Captain, but his attention was still focused on the PADD in front of him. "It's distracting," he added without looking up.

April rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at him.

Jim felt it land on his back, and pushed it aside as he turned over to face April. His expression showed concern. "Is everything all right? You're way too stressed right now."

April sighed wearily, setting her PADD down. "I guess a lot of things are just catching up to me, you know?"

Jim frowned, standing up and moving over so that he was sitting next to her on the couch. "Are you swamped with your classes? Or has Bones done something that requires me to kill him."

April shoved him playfully. "Leonard's wonderful," she promised. "I really like him, Jim, and Joanna's amazing."

"Yeah, they're pretty all right," Jim agreed easily.

April rolled her eyes. "It's just…" She looked down at her lap, tucking her legs underneath her as one hand began to absentmindedly play with the hem of her shirt. "Do you ever feel like you spend every day spouting one lie after another?"

Jim looked away, his expression clouding over slightly. April started to worry that she had pushed some unknown button, when the Captain spoke. "I'm fine; nothing's wrong; I wouldn't know, nothing bad's ever happened to me…?"

April nodded quickly, reaching over to grasp his arm lightly, not sure if she was reassuring him or her. "I keep trying to pretend it's fine, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. And I just…" she swallowed harshly. "How can I be his girlfriend, a mother figure for Joanna, when I'm lying to them? But the thought of telling him…" She shuddered fearfully.

Jim nodded slightly, turning back to the doctor in an attempt to offer her a reassuring smile. It didn't work very well. "I can't…" He looked down, embarrassed. "I mean, I've thought about it, a couple of times. Bones, Carol, even Sulu, Scotty, and Uhura." He bit his lip. "Spock already knows, and I don't know if I'm relieved or confused that in the nearly three years since he found out, he hasn't said anything to anyone – not even me." April made a questioning noise, and Jim sighed. "Part of me wants to. To tell them, to trust them. They're my friends, right? Carol's my girlfriend. Aren't I supposed to be able to trust them?" He swallowed harshly. "But I can't. I just can't convince myself that they would understand, no matter how much I want to."

April snuggled into his side, sighing contentedly when Jim lifted his arm so that she would fit better. She could always rely on him for comfort, even if it was just a shoulder to lean on. "I don't know if you're right about all of that," she admitted. "But I keep telling myself that it's better not to risk it. What if I tell him and he leaves? I don't know if I could handle that." She sniffed weakly. "So much loss already," she murmured sleepily, feeling her eyelids drooping.

Jim squeezed his arm briefly, in a facsimile of a hug. "I can't tell you what to do, April," he pointed out. "I know how I feel, and the thought of Bones finding out terrifies me. But if you want him to know your story, that's your prerogative. I can't make the choice for you."

April nodded slightly. "I know," she replied. "I just don't want him to look at me differently."

Jim sighed, leaning back into the cushions slightly. "Me either," he commiserated. When April yawned, he chuckled, pulling her down even further while his free hand reached for one of the PADDs still lying on the floor. "Get some sleep," he admonished. "I'll wake you up later."

April thought about protesting, but she was too comfortable; so with another yawn, she obediently closed her eyes and drifted off.

**XXX**

Neither April nor Jim mentioned the conversation again. Both were pretty good at avoiding issues, so it was enough for them to know what the other was thinking, and then move on and set it aside without actually addressing the real problem.

Time passed quickly on board a starship traveling at warp speed. It had been nearly two years since they had last set foot on Earth, just about three since their graduation and the beginning of their five-year mission. Jim wasn't sure if they would be back before the end of their assignment, and it was hard to make any predictions now; given the parameters the Admirals had set, they hadn't ventured so far out that they couldn't return easily enough for upgrades or the like. It was entirely possible that Komack could recall them if he so chose, but the odds were just as good that they would go the next two years, finish up their mission, and then return to Earth for a few months of shore leave and upgrades, before those who signed on for another mission would ship back out again. Jim didn't expect many officers to leave at the end of their assignment; his crew was all pretty young, so there were not many people close to retirement, and he had fielded no complaints serious enough to worry about anyone wanting to leave.

But that was still two years away. No one was making any decisions right now, and there was plenty of time to think about the future later.

Jim was contemplating the probabilities of Komack being an ass enough to call them back to Earth again before the end of their mission, when the Admiral himself chose to butt in.

Uhura quickly punched a few buttons and turned around in her seat. "Captain, Admiral Komack is calling with a mission brief."

Jim shook himself off to clear his head of errant thoughts, and nodded. "On screen, Lieutenant," he ordered, straightening in his seat, subconsciously noting everyone else doing the same thing, attempting to show the Admiral nothing less than a professional crew.

The view of the stars blurred briefly, before clearing to show Komack seated in his desk chair at the Academy. Distance did nothing to hide the scowl on the man's face as he observed the _Enterprise'_ s Captain.

"Captain Kirk, I trust by your lack of communication lately that the _Enterprise_ is currently unoccupied?"

Jim nodded slightly, hiding a grimace. "Yes, sir. Do you have an assignment for us?"

Komack inclined his head, typing out a sequence on the console in front of him. "You should recieve the brief soon. We have been receiving reports lately of activity on the deserted planet of Tarsus IV. As you may recall, the planet was abandoned after the incident nearly fifteen years ago. It was deemed unsuitable for habitation, due to the fungus that wiped out all edible plant life. However, with these reports, Starfleet has become interested in the possibility of re-colonization."

Jim felt like he was hearing words flung at him from the end of a tunnel. Some part of him understood what the Admiral was saying, but there was a loud buzzing sound in his head that seemed to be blocking out most of it.

"What is it you want us to do?" he forced his mouth to move, but he wasn't entirely sure the correct words came out.

It seemed to be right enough, because Komack replied, "The _Enterprise_ is to travel to Tarsus IV and determine whether or not there is any truth to these rumors. Take samples of the plant life and observe any unusual activity. I will be waiting for your report."

He signed off without waiting for a reply. Just as well, because Jim wasn't entirely sure he could speak anymore.

He knew Sulu was waiting for orders, and Uhura was waiting for him to tell her to prepare the mission brief for the rest of the crew, but he couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't think. All he could seem to do was stare blankly ahead while gripping his armrest so tightly he wouldn't be surprised to find imprints of his fingers when he managed to tear his hands away.

Spock immediately stood up, taking over seamlessly as he moved gracefully to stand behind the Captain's chair. His sharp gaze focused on the pilot and navigator at the helm. Sulu was watching Jim in confusion, while Chekov was staring wide-eyed and with a hint of what Jim would catalogue as fear, though Spock wasn't adept enough to recognize specific emotions the way his Captain did.

"Lieutenant Sulu, Ensign Chekov, plot a course for the planet."

The two quickly complied, while everyone else watched in confusion, wondering why Spock was the one giving orders, and why Jim hadn't moved since Komack had signed off.

It was a full thirty seconds later, after Sulu informed them of their estimated arrival time, and just long enough for the command crew to get worried, that Jim shuddered slightly and forced himself back to the present. Any and all emotions he might be feeling were pushed back behind a wall so thick not a trace of fear or trepidation could be seen in his bright blue gaze.

Standing up without looking anyone in the eye, he muttered a quiet, "Take the con," before beating a hasty retreat to the 'lift and disappearing from sight before anyone had a chance to try and stop him.

They all stared at the closed 'lift doors for another few seconds before Spock cut in. "Return to your duties," he said in a clipped tone as he sat down in the Captain's chair. He would not allow himself to give in to his own worry right now. His instincts were telling him to go find Jim, to assure himself that the Captain was well, but he had his orders.

"What was that about?" Sulu muttered, glancing over at Chekov in confusion.

Pavel shrugged slightly, not answering the question. He really wanted to request a break so that he could go find Jim, but he didn't want to draw any more attention, to himself or the Captain. So instead, he just focused on his console and rechecked the trajectories.

**XXX**

Jim was halfway to Medbay before he remembered that going in there would mean telling Bones what was wrong, and he couldn't.

So instead he headed to his quarters, sending out messages to April and Kevin on his comm., telling them to meet him there immediately.

The two arrived five minutes later, Kevin panting slightly from exertion, indicating he had run all the way from the Navigations department on the other side of the ship.

April scrutinized him carefully as she stepped inside. "Leonard says that if you're bleeding out, you better damn well get your ass to Medbay."

Jim didn't even smile, further heightening April's concern. What the hell was going on?

The Captain led the two to the sitting room, gesturing for them to take seats, though he remained standing himself, his hands clenched around his upper arms in a gesture that clearly showed his discomfort.

"Jim, you're really worrying me here," the doctor said after nearly a minute of silence. "What's going on?"

On her left, Kevin looked equally disquieted.

Taking a deep breath and forcing himself to relax a little, Jim collapsed into an empty chair, and informed them of their latest assignment.

Just hearing the name of that cursed planet caused April to freeze, emotions running from shock, to horror, to terror. She had never thought she'd have to go back. She thought she was free of that place. It had only been last month that she and Jim had discussed the very subject of telling others about what had happened on that planet, and both had decided against it. Why the hell did this have to happen now?

Kevin was drawn out of his own nightmare-induced thoughts when Jim dropped down next to him, threading an arm around his shoulders and drawing him into a light hug. That's when he realized that he couldn't breathe, and the loud gasping sound was actually coming from him.

"Kev, just calm down, all right? I need you to take in one breath, that's it, just hold that for me. Now release it," Jim quietly instructed, nodding in encouragement as the Ensign followed his commands shakily.

Once it seemed like Kevin was under control, the Captain turned to April. She was still staring off into space, her expression vacant and her mind likely filled with the nightmares of the past.

"April?"

With a violent shudder, the doctor came out of her thoughts, and turned to face her Captain. "I'm all right," she assured him softly, though she didn't think he believed her. _She_ didn't believe her. "You?"

Jim shrugged, his eyes carefully guarded. "I'll be fine," he promised.

April shook her head slightly, but didn't call his lie. She hated how he always tried to downplay his own feelings, and she knew that no matter what false platitudes came out of his mouth, he was taking this much harder than she or Kevin were. She had lost her best friend, her family, and spent months starving and terrified; but she had had someone to look to for guidance. Jim had been their leader. He had born all of their fears, struggles, and trials, as well as his own. He had been in charge of nearly two-dozen children and teenagers, from April all the way down to little Rose and Jenny, who had just barely learned how to walk and talk. He had been tasked with making sure as many of them as possible survived, and he had felt each death, _Anya, Lisa_ , as if he himself had died. And when he had figured out why no help was coming, he had taken it on himself to fix it. He had offered himself up as a sacrifice, so that everyone else could get out.

He had been tortured. She didn't know everything about his time on that planet, but Anya had told her about how the governor had been teaching Jim the ins and outs of government. Which meant Jim had known and at least somewhat trusted Kodos, and had been betrayed by the former governor. He had nearly died at the hands of that madman, simply because he wouldn't betray his friends.

April quickly moved over so that she was sitting next to Jim, and gave him a hug, her arms folding awkwardly around him and Kevin, who was still in Jim's arms.

She could practically feel the tension rolling off of Jim; he was almost shaking in an effort not to break down. She wasn't like Tom, who had always been willing to call Jim on his self-sacrificial lies. She wasn't like Leonard, who used threats and hyposprays to take care of his wayward best friend, ignoring any of Jim's attempts at pretending he was unhurt until he himself had verified it as truth. She stepped back; when Jim said he was fine, when he pushed his own feelings and emotions aside to take care of everyone else, she capitulated. He was and had always been her commanding officer – now as an official Captain, and back on that planet when he had led them all with nothing more than a gentle hand, a weak smile, and the promise that things would get better.

She would always follow his lead, whether it was taking care of a group of kids in a failed colony being run by a sadistic mass murderer, or not questioning him when he spouted such ridiculous lies. He wasn't fine. He hadn't been _fine_ in nearly fifteen years. Maybe even longer, if what she suspected about his childhood was even the slightest bit true.

Jim had led her through certain death, and they had come out on the other side – well, not quite whole, but alive – so if he had to pretend that he wasn't effected right now, if he had to wait until he was alone to break down, she would honor that. She would wish that he could let himself lean on her the way she did him, but she understood the need, as a leader, to be seen as whole and strong, no matter what his subordinates might think or wish. He couldn't let himself be seen as weak, and showing how broken he was inside – even to his friends – just wasn't something he could let himself do. She didn't like it, and she knew Leonard hated it, both the action and why the man felt it was necessary, but it was what it was, and Jim had spent too long believing that leaning on others in times of strife constituted weakness – or perhaps too long being taught through experience that that was truth – to adjust his views easily.

They stayed on the couch in silence for several minutes, before Jim gave a regretful sigh and shifted slightly. "I should probably call Chris," he said softly, though he made no effort to stand up.

April placed the name quickly, though she knew him as Admiral Pike, of course. The first time she had met him, after the _Narada_ incident and after she had accepted a position at Starfleet Medical, she had been startled to recognize the man as the same Lieutenant Commander who had been so great about getting them into Medbay to see Jim and Tom on the _Seymour_ all those years ago. She wasn't sure if he had remembered her – he hadn't said anything either way – but she would never forget that caring and concerned gaze from all those years ago. The first officer they had met who hadn't looked at them with any kind of pity, just a quiet understanding.

"Do you want us to leave?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, almost as if she couldn't make herself speak louder.

Jim bit his lip, considering. "Why don't you go change into something more comfortable, and come back. Shift'll be over soon anyway, I'll clear it with your supervisors."

April and Kevin nodded, and headed for the door, while Jim went to his private comm. in the next room, typing in Chris' number with a nearly steady hand.

When the call connected, Chris appeared to be in the middle of a meeting with Jon and Richard. He smiled into the screen, glad to hear from Jim, though he did wonder what this was about, since the Captain should be on duty, and therefore not making personal calls right now. Unless this was a professional call; in which case, why did it look like he was in his private quarters?

"Jim, what can I do –"

"Did you know?" Jim's question cut through the Admiral's greeting, and Chris stopped talking, blinking in confusion.

"Know what?"

Jim grimaced, swallowing harshly as his gaze narrowed. "Our next assignment."

Chris frowned, still unclear as to what the hell was going on. "Komack hasn't told us anything, no. As far as I was aware, the _Enterprise_ is between missions at the moment."

Jim glanced away, unable to take the concern the trio of Admirals were leveling at him.

"Jim?" Chris leaned forward slightly, his initial worry skyrocketing. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

Jon and Richard looked at each other, wondering if they should leave and let these two talk alone.

But before they could make the offer, Jim wilted slightly and typed a few commands on his computer. "We're going back," he murmured quietly, defeat coloring his tone.

Chris was still confused, but he obediently opened up the file Jim had sent him, reading the mission brief in growing alarm. He looked up sharply, his expression filling with fury. "I'll kill him," he growled. "What the hell? Why didn't he inform anyone before tasking the _Enterprise_?"

Jon and Richard leaned over and read the brief, wanting to know what this was all about.

Seeing the words in black and white on the screen, they understood immediately. Komack should have informed the other Admirals before contacting the _Enterprise_. While technically not strictly necessary to share the details of the assignment – as Komack was the _Enterprise_ 's commanding officer it was his right to assign a mission as he saw fit – given the history of the planet in question, it would have been the courteous thing to do, to share the details with the rest of the Admiralty.

"We can pull you off," Jon offered. "We'll delegate the mission to another ship. I think the _Endeavor_ is nearby."

Jim shook his head immediately. "If you do that, they'll want to know why. And officially, I was never there."

Ruefully, they realized he was right. Jim was a good hacker, and he had spent a lot of time erasing his presence from that planet, from the manifests documenting his arrival, right down to the videofeeds at Starfleet Medical. It wasn't in any of the classified reports. At one point, his name had appeared on the manifest of the transport to Tarsus eighteen months before the massacre, but Jim had erased that shortly after his return to Earth. And every reference to him on the planet had either been as James Spaulding, or as the child JT, the hero who had alerted Starfleet and personally saved twenty odd kids from death. But no one knew who JT was, or had been, and no one had equated James Spaulding with James Kirk. It would be nearly impossible unless someone was deliberately looking for it and realized that Winona Kirk had at one point had a sister named Marie, who had married a Terry Spaulding and moved to Tarsus. And then they'd have to do a direct comparison to realize that James Spaulding and James Kirk were the same person.

"How're you doing?" Chris asked gently, hoping for an honest answer.

The look Jim gave him in return said it all.

Chris winced, knowing that was a stupid thing to ask. "Is there anything we can do to help?"

Jim shrugged again, slumping down in his seat as he absentmindedly drew a pattern with his finger on the table. "Is there a longer brief than the one we received? I'd like to know if Komack's playing with me by only giving me half the story."

Jon immediately got to work, searching for the assignment that Komack would have had to file officially before handing it out to the _Enterprise_. Finding it, he quickly sent it to the distant Captain. "You should receive it soon," he assured Jim.

A nod was all Jim could muster to thank the Admiral, but Jon understood.

"Is he doing this as a way to screw with us?" Richard asked curiously. When they all looked at him, he grimaced. "I know we don't like to talk about it, but if he's doing this deliberately, we need to combat that."

"I think It'd be easier if he was," Chris commented idly. "But he doesn't know. He can't. Jim's name isn't anywhere in any of the files. He wouldn't have any reason to suspect, unless he already had the information."

Jim nodded in agreement, still not looking any of the Admirals in the eye; the slight motion was the only sign they had that he was still paying attention. "I changed the video surveillance too," he added quietly, still not looking directly at the comm.

Chris inclined his head, smiling slightly. "I noticed that," he commented idly. "It was an impressive show of skill, even if it was illegal." Chris had been intrigued to watch the footage shortly after Jim had escaped the hospital, and see a shorter, brown haired, brown eyed kid instead of the gangly blond teen. It was more impressive that he hadn't been able to tell that the footage had been altered, even after running an analysis. Even the computer thought the footage was authentic.

Chris sighed wearily. "It's possible Komack just thinks that the _Enterprise_ would be best to handle this, because of the history and the fact that it's the flagship."

The young Admiral glanced up, meeting Jon's concerned gaze, and with a small head jerk, gestured for the other two Admirals to give him some privacy. They understood immediately, and quickly left the office.

Once he was alone, Chris turned back to the computer. "Have you thought about telling anyone else?" he asked cautiously, hoping he wouldn't just be shut down.

Jim swallowed harshly, and shook his head. "There's no point," he countered resolutely. "It's not like anyone can change the past."

Chris winced sympathetically. "They're your friends, Jim. They might not be able to change the past, but they can be there for you now. They won't look at you differently."

Jim didn't counter, but his look clearly stated that he didn't agree.

Chris sighed. "Sooner or later, you're going to have to learn how to trust again."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I trust you, don't I?"

Chris smiled, attempting to hide the feeling of pride and joy that rose up when he heard those words. "And that's a good start, but I'm not there, Jim. I wish I was, but I'm light years away. I can't help you the way I want to." He observed the Captain seriously. "You've known your command crew for years. It's been what, over a decade you've known Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov? What about McCoy? That man would move heaven and earth for you. And Spock, Uhura, Scott? They've been your friends for years. Do you really think this will change anything?"

When Jim didn't answer, the Admiral nodded knowingly. "I think you're more afraid that it won't. You're scared of relying on anyone too much, and I get it, Jim, I do. You've had to take care of yourself for pretty much your entire life. You didn't have anyone else to rely on, and you're afraid that they'll let you down if you let them in. But if you don't give them the chance, then you'll never know." Chris bit his lip. "If you're always looking for reasons not to, you're always going to find them."

Jim looked away, his expression unreadable, and Chris sighed. "I can't make your decisions for you. Please comm. me if you need anything, and I'll see if I can find out anything about this mission that doesn't line up with the brief you received. If there are any hidden agendas, I'll find them."

He signed off, and Jim groaned wearily, burying his head in his hands as he furiously scrubbed at his face to get rid of the burning sensation in his eyes.

"He's got a point, you know," April interrupted, and Jim looked up sharply, noting that she and Kevin had returned, both wearing casual clothes as they hovered in the doorway.

Jim rolled his eyes, but didn't respond.

April sighed and leaned against the wall, watching Jim carefully. Kevin kept looking between the two, content to wait in silence.

"Jim, I think we just lost the element of choice. We need to tell them what's going on. Or do you really think you can hide it through all this? I can't."

She shuddered lightly, and Jim was immediately at her side, reassuring her. April felt herself smile almost against her will; no matter what else he had going on, he would always shove it aside to be there for his friends.

After another minute, the Captain let out a deep breath and nodded resignedly and held out a PADD for the doctor to take. "Jon sent me the full mission detail; go take a seat, I'll be there in a moment."

April studied his expression closely for a few seconds, searching for something. She seemed to find it, because she nodded and took the PADD, gesturing for Kevin to join her as she made her way to the living room.

Jim waited until they had disappeared from view, before he turned back to his computer and sent a brief message to his command crew, minus the Security Chief Giotto, with whom he was friendly, but not quite friends with, and Carol, asking them to meet in his quarters once Alpha shift ended in an hour.

That done, he made a quick stop in his bedroom to throw on a pair of jeans and a Starfleet Academy Athletics sweatshirt, and went to join the other two, as they spent the remaining time going over the mission, reading all the details that Komack hadn't deemed necessary to share.

There really wasn't a lot there, mainly reports that the planet had seen activity on an intermittent basis over the last decade or so, increasing significantly within the last couple of years – after Nero, if they wanted to read into the situation in that way; but no actual confirmation. As the planet had been classified as deserted ever since Starfleet had removed the survivors of the massacre, it was an anomaly. But it did get Starfleet scientists curious about the ability of the planet to sustain life once more, and whether or not re-colonization was an option.

From what Jim could tell from the information Jon had sent, Komack's orders had nothing to do with any vindictive pleasures, which left the Admiral's own agenda, or just one hell of a coincidence. Was it really simple happenstance, or did Komack just want to be the one to revitalize a deserted planet? Was the Admiral deluded enough to think that people would actually be willing to live on a planet that had seen one of the greatest failures in Federation history? It wasn't just that so many had died, because to be perfectly honest, there had been worse genocides in Earth's history alone, let alone all the other planets in the Federation. It was the insanity of a man appointed by the Federation and Starfleet itself, the complete failure of a colony with absolutely no prior warning or reports of trouble.

They were startled out of their reading by the sound of a chime filling the room. Jim went to answer the door, and let in the entire group from the Bridge. He kept the door open as he saw McCoy and Scotty heading in his direction as well.

Once they were all inside, he gestured for them to move to the living room.

Spock stopped him before he could follow, and his expression showed nothing but concern for the Captain. After a brief moment of hesitation, Spock quietly queried after his superior's health, choosing to converse in Vulcan, as Uhura was the only one other than them who spoke the language, and she was already out of earshot. " _Captain, I do not believe I am well equipped to provide any sort of emotional support, but I wish to ensure your positive health."_

Jim snorted softly. " _Is that your way of asking if I'm all right?"_ he replied amusedly. When Spock just raised an eyebrow in answer, the Captain sobered and shrugged with one shoulder. " _I'm fine, Spock_ ," he said tiredly. Spock didn't appear to believe him, but Jim chose to ignore his doubt. " _I'll be fine. We should get in there though, before Bones decides to send out a search party._ " He followed his own advice and headed into the living room, Spock half a step behind.

April and Kevin were still sitting on the couch, while Pavel had joined them, and Uhura and Carol had taken seats in the two chairs that occupied the room. McCoy, Scotty, and Sulu were standing, and the entire group watched like hawks as Jim chose to lean against one armrest of the couch, the end closest to Kevin.

Spock came to a parade rest just behind his Captain's right shoulder, and waited patiently.

Steeling himself for what was to come, Jim opened his mouth and forced himself to speak.


	16. Chapter 16

"I guess it's not really much of a secret anymore, the kind of asshole my stepfather was," Jim started hesitantly, his gaze focused on the far wall so that he wouldn't have to look any of them in the eye. Even if he had never outright said anything, he had let enough slip over the years that they all knew abuse had been a large part of his childhood. "Things got kind of intense when I was about twelve. My mother decided to send me to live with her sister on a Federation Colony so that my stepfather wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."

He shuddered slightly, almost against his will, only further concerning his crew, most of whom had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on.

Forcing himself to continue, Jim grimaced, his eyes growing wistful as he remembered the past. "Things were pretty great for a while. My aunt and uncle were nice, I had two cousins who loved having another kid in the house. I made some great friends." His voice hitched slightly on the last word, just enough for them to notice.

Jim took a deep breath, his hands clenching the arm of the sofa so tightly, his knuckles were white. His eyes were hard as he stared resolutely at the floor. "When I was fourteen, everything changed. The fungus hit, hard and fast. Plants died, food stores were ruined. People panicked."

Uhura had both hands clasped over her mouth, her eyes wide with shock. Carol was watching Jim in growing horror, her expression equal parts alarmed and concerned.

McCoy looked sick, though on some level, he supposed he shouldn't be as stunned as the others. He knew Jim had demons, and he'd spent years cataloging the evidence of previous injuries on his friend's body. He had roomed with the kid officially and unofficially for nearly three years at the Academy, he had seen a lot of nightmares and odd behavior that told him Jim had lived through far more than he could ever imagine. But he hadn't been expecting _this_.

Sulu, on McCoy's left, was keeping his expression carefully blank, though the voice in his head was screaming loudly, urging him to yell and throw things and let out his anger for what Jim had had to endure. Why the hell did horrible things have to happen to wonderful people?

And Scotty just looked nauseous and disturbed. He didn't do exceptionally well when it came to interacting with other people – machines were his forte – but Jim was one of his best friends, and he hated the idea that the kid had been through such a horrible experience. Wasn't a crappy home life enough? A mother who couldn't even look her son in the eye and a stepfather who preferred to let his opinions known through his fists? Why did there always have to be something else?

"Anyway," Jim attempted to finish without going into any further detail, "obviously, I survived. It has been suggested, however, that I inform you of the situation, just in case something happens on this mission."

McCoy frowned, glancing at the trio on the couch, and over to Spock. "Why don't you look surprised?" he asked suspiciously. "I assume even something like this would break through your emotionless Vulcan mask."

Jim sighed, rubbing a hand over his face wearily. "I told him three years ago," he admitted. "Before he relinquished command and we stopped Nero." Everyone now looked surprised that Spock had kept this secret for so long. Jim shrugged, looking down. "I was running out of ways to get him to change his mind, and I needed us to get off our asses and save Chris. So I told him about how we first met, on Tarsus. Chris was the one who found me."

"What do you mean by that?" Sulu asked curiously. Of course they had all known that Jim and Admiral Pike went back further than the Academy, but Jim had never actually told anyone the story. Sulu would admit that, after finding that picture of Pike with the Kirks in Jim's old house, he had assumed it had just been a simple friend of the family connection. Clearly he had been mistaken.

Jim swallowed, his expression growing dark as he studied the floor closely. Kevin reached over and rested a hand lightly on his lower back, attempting to offer what comfort he could. Jim glanced over and gave the Ensign what he hoped was a grateful smile.

"The history books and news reports don't always tell the whole story," Jim said lowly. "The massacre occurred over five months before Starfleet showed up. Survivors signed all kinds of agreements not to discuss the details after the fact, because Starfleet didn't want it known how badly everything got screwed up. And by the time the news outlets were reporting on it, they had all their stories straight. But it was five months of starvation, terror, wondering every day if you were going to live to see the next." He shook his head, reaching over subconsciously to rest a hand on Kevin's shoulder, squeezing gently as he felt the Ensign shaking slightly with the emotions of the past.

"It took me nearly that long to figure out that the problem wasn't with the communicator I had been attempting to use to call for help, it was the jamming signal Kodos had erected. I had to take it down." He looked away. "So I took it down."

McCoy watched his friend with growing unease, subconsciously understanding how this story ended. Hadn't it been just a few months ago that he had felt the raised ridges of old scars across Jim's back? Hadn't he seen evidence of poorly healed injuries whenever he had to do a deeper scan to determine where the idiot had injured himself this time? Badly broken bones, muscle and tissue damage, so many wounds that hadn't been tended to by modern medicine in time to be treated properly. He had just assumed it had been the stepfather. But what if it wasn't?

"What did taking it down involve?" he felt himself ask the question, but the voice didn't quite sound like him, far away and echoing.

Jim tried to speak. He really tried to answer the doctor's question, but he couldn't force the words to make their way past his numb lips.

It took several tries for him to get himself under control enough to actually form some semblance of a response. Swallowing harshly, he grimaced. "I got into the Governor's Palace, took down the signal. I had given the communicator to my cousin so that he could send out a distress call."

"And then what?" McCoy pressed, knowing that wasn't the whole story.

Jim shrugged, studying his hands closely so that he wouldn't be tempted to look up and see what he was sure was disgust in his friend's gaze. "The distress call got out. That's all that matters."

April rolled her eyes, wishing she were closer so that she could slap him upside the head. "You really have a skewed idea of your own worth," she admonished. Jim just shrugged again. "It doesn't matter to you at all that you nearly died? That you would have if Pike hadn't found you when he had?"

The group all looked at her now, for the first time wondering why she and Kevin were here. Carol, they understood; she was the Captain's girlfriend. But what about the others? They weren't command crew, and in Kevin's case, he was seriously at the low end of the pecking order.

Scotty was the one to actually ask the question. "If ye don't mind me asking, lassie, how do ye know that? And what are ye two doing here anyway? No offense."

April grimaced, her expression falling to her lap as she played with the hem of her shirt. "Jim's the sole reason I passed junior year English," she admitted softly as she offered the Captain a small smile before her lap drew her attention once more. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to continue. "My house was one of the first to be hit," she confessed. "My parents saw the security officers coming, and knew something was wrong. They sent me out the back, and stayed behind to give me time to escape." A few tears leaked from her eyes and left a wet track down her cheek, but she made no move to wipe it away. "They burned the houses. Some of us managed to hide in the fields, but it wasn't long before those caught fire as well."

She looked over at Jim again, and managed a weak smile. "Jim found us. He brought us to a cave, where we managed to stay hidden while everything went to hell."

She was afraid to look at any of the others as she finished speaking. She was terrified to look at Leonard. What if he decided he didn't want to be with her anymore? What if he was disgusted?

After a few moments of silence, she finally forced herself to look up. Glancing around the group, she was surprised to see no sign of pity or revulsion. And Leonard wasn't watching her like she was broken at all; he was looking at her like she was the second strongest person in the room – she knew without a doubt that Jim was the strongest. It was shocking, and heart-warming. She had had nightmares about this very moment, and now she wondered why she had been so afraid in the first place. Of course he wouldn't see her differently. He wasn't that kind of guy.

"I lived in the city," Kevin piped up quietly, his gaze fixed on the coffee table, eyes glazing over as the memories he still couldn't get out of his head, no matter how young he had been at the time, played out in front of him. He would never forget the look on his mother's face as she fell, arms still locked around him in an effort to protect him. "I was five when Kodos made his decree. They gathered us all into the city square, and he made the proclamation over the loudspeakers. I don't remember much, but it was panic as the first shots rang out, and then more and more, and bodies were falling everywhere. My mother was hit shielding me. She fell down, and I remember not being able to get loose. I didn't want to get loose. I wanted to stay with my mom." He leaned to the side slightly, into Jim's steady embrace.

The Captain took over, knowing that Kevin probably couldn't, or didn't want to finish. "My friend Tom and I went into the city to find out what was going on, and when the guards started firing, we tried to get as many out as possible. Kevin was one of the kids we found."

Kevin smiled weakly up at the Captain. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for that, JT," he admitted softly.

Jim shrugged. "You never had to," he assured the younger man. "And in any case, I probably negated any gratitude necessary by getting you captured."

Kevin shook his head quickly. "It wasn't your fault. Lisa and I were stupid. We should never have wandered off." He looked down guiltily. "We just wanted to be useful. It was my idea though. I'm the one who got her killed."

Jim sighed and drew Kevin into a one-armed hug. "It wasn't," he promised, though he wasn't sure if the Ensign would ever truly believe him.

It was odd for the command crew to watch these dynamics. To see Jim acting like a caretaker gave them a glimpse into the teenaged leader who had apparently saved their lives over a decade ago.

"My sister died on Tarsus," Pavel's quiet voice broke the silence, and they all turned to look at him, surprised. He bit his lip and glanced over at Jim. When the Captain nodded, he continued, "She got pneumonia and died a few weeks before Starfleet showed up."

Uhura and Carol made sounds of sympathy, while Sulu stepped forward and squeezed Pavel's shoulder lightly.

Scotty recalled learning about how Jim had gone looking for Chekov because of the kid's sister, when they had been flying back to the Academy from Riverside, years ago. Suddenly, he knew where this was going.

Jim reached out and rested a hand briefly on his other shoulder, his arm curving awkwardly behind Kevin. "Anya was an amazing person," he assured the younger man. Chekov nodded quickly, smiling weakly at the comfort. Jim retracted his hand and glanced around at the rest of the group, who were all looking between him and Chekov in dawning comprehension. Jim had always treated Pavel like a younger brother, and they had known each other much longer than the rest. It would make sense now, knowing what they did, that Jim had more than just a passing connection to the young navigator.

"Anya and I were friends," Jim explained resignedly. "She and April were in the same class in school. I tutored her in physics, and she taught me Russian and German." He sighed. "I found her hiding in the fields on that day. She was incredibly helpful when it came to survival over those five months."

There was a brief moment of silence before Carol hesitantly queried, "How so?" She wanted nothing more than to hold Jim in her arms forever, but she wasn't sure he really wanted the contact right now. He seemed to be afraid to look at her as he spoke, and she hated that he honestly felt like she would leave him because of this. She hated his low self-esteem that seemed to tell him that he didn't deserve happiness.

Jim's jaw clenched slightly, and he looked down. "There were over twenty of us, and Anya and April were the oldest at seventeen. The youngest was three. We needed structure, a command crew, to survive." He shrugged. "I was the Captain. My friend Tom was my First Officer. My cousin Cory became the Operations Manager." He glanced over at April and smiled minutely. "April was the CMO. And Anya was Communications. She was the link between us and the younger kids. If they needed anything, if they were getting restless, if anything was wrong. She's the reason we were able to keep the kids calm as long as we did."

If he had looked up, he would have seen the awe-filled looks being leveled at him, all of them amazed at what he had done, what he had been through, and how he had survived. He had become a Captain at fourteen years old, and led a crew of kids through genocide and terror, against unsurmountable odds. He had likely had no idea what he was doing, but he had taken charge anyway, and through skill or luck or sheer force of will, they had survived. He had done that.

But Jim was too afraid of what he might see, so he chose to focus on the floor instead.

"There were stories," Sulu commented slowly. When everyone looked at him, he grimaced and elaborated, "I remember hearing about it on the newsfeeds. For weeks, it was all anyone would talk about. But there was this one story that kept circulating, about these kids that hid out in the mountains. A teenager who led a group of children to safety. They speculated that this teenager got a hold of Kodos' plans and private documents, and alerted Starfleet, though no one was able to confirm whether there was any truth to that." Jim flinched minutely, but Sulu kept going. "They said he was the reason as many survived as they did, and I remember a lot of reporters saying that he had sacrificed himself to save the rest of the colony." He bit his lip. "No one knew who he was, or had been, and he disappeared in the aftermath. All anyone would call him was JT."

Kevin winced, realizing that he had unintentionally dropped Jim's old nickname in this conversation.

McCoy also recognized the name, not only from today, but because he had heard both April and Kevin call Jim that before.

Jim looked like he wished the floor would swallow him as he reluctantly shrugged. "Sacrifice is a bit of a stretch," he rolled his eyes. "Starfleet showed up shortly after I was captured."

"Weeks," April cut in harshly, glaring at the Captain. When they all looked at her, she shook her head tiredly. "It was over two weeks of us thinking you were dead, terrified because you and Tom never came back. I had to sedate Cory twice because he wanted to go searching for you. Especially after Lisa and Kev disappeared. Kieran had to sit on him for about six hours, to stop him from sneaking out. We were falling to pieces without you, Jim."

Jim glanced over guiltily, wishing he could say something to make it better, wishing he could change the past.

With every new piece of information they were hearing, it seemed as if their awe could only increase. They knew Jim was an amazing Captain, but to hear about this group of kids, this crew he had led at the age of fourteen, to hear about how trusted he was by them, how he had saved them, it was beyond belief. It was astounding. It was incredible. How could a teenager hold so much conviction and determination that he had held a group of kids together with nothing more than their belief that he would take care of them?

Recalling the mission with the K'miri several months ago, those who had been on the planet were drawn back to that hellish time in captivity. Jim hadn't been fazed by the prospect of torture. He had kept his mouth shut and not made a sound. Beaten, whipped, hung from a goddamn chain, and he still hadn't talked, hadn't screamed. Had he learned how to do that on Tarsus? He was being very cagey about what had happened after his capture, after he had taken the jamming signal down; for the most part, they were afraid to ask, afraid to have their own fears confirmed.

"Are you sure about this mission?" McCoy asked quietly, willing the Captain to just look at him, wanting to prove to Jim once and for all that he wasn't going to leave, that this didn't change anything.

Jim let out a weak snort. "I don't really have a choice, do I." It wasn't a question.

"Aren't there records?" Uhura wondered. "Shouldn't someone somewhere have known not to give us this assignment?"

Jim shook his head ruefully. "I used my aunt and uncle's last name, and deleted the records from the transport ship out. I went back and altered all surveillance- and video- feeds so that no one could see and recognize the picture later. The only people who knew my real last name were my aunt, uncle, and cousins." He looked down, shrugging with one shoulder. "Cory's the only one still alive. Tom knows now, but he won't say anything. When everything went to hell, I told the kids to call me JT. Figured it'd be better that way." He carefully avoided any mention of the reasons why he had wanted his name hidden. "Chris recognized me, but that's because he and my dad were friends. I asked him not to say anything, so he didn't. Jon and Richard know too, but that was kind of an accident, and they've only known for a few years."

He sighed and shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. "From what Jon said, Komack assigned this mission without actually telling any of the other Admirals. There's no way to take us off and reassign someone else without drawing more attention than I'm comfortable with."

It seemed impossible that no one had figured this out, but they all knew that if it did get out, the story would be splashed across every newsfeed from Earth to the Neutral Zone and back. The Kirk name was famous throughout the Federation, and Jim had only heightened that admiration after dealing with Nero and the _Narada_ several years ago. If someonedid find out, Jim and the _Enterprise_ wouldn't get a moment's rest.

Jim sighed softly, leaning back into the armrest of the sofa as a wave of exhaustion hit. "I've been working on the whole trust thing," he admitted wearily. "I just… I figured you should know why this assignment has me stressed out."

Spock stepped forward minutely, choosing to speak for the first time. He had kept quiet until now, seeing that Jim had things in hand. This information wasn't new to him, so he hadn't felt the need to talk as yet. "It is the duty of your crew, Captain, to ensure your wellbeing, and protect your interests."

Jim raised an eyebrow at the Vulcan's choice of words, while Uhura hid an amused snort. "That's Spock's way of saying we've got your back," she elaborated.

Spock inclined his head stoically. "Indeed."

After a moment of silence, Jim suggested they all separate to their own evening activities. There was still time for them to grab dinner if they wanted, before the main mess hall shut down for the evening. He wasn't hungry at all, and by the look on everyone else's face at the recommendation, they weren't either – not after talking about the starvation and genocide their Captain and friends had witnessed and been victims of. But they could see that Jim was done for the night, so they dutifully followed his proposal and headed for the door.

Spock and Uhura left together, followed by Sulu and Scotty, and then Kevin and Chekov after Jim promised to meet them for breakfast the next morning.

McCoy and April were the last to depart, remaining silent as they slowly walked towards the door. The CMO wanted to check in with Jim, but it looked like the Captain was busy with his own girlfriend at the moment, so he would wait until later.

April swallowed harshly as they reached the door. She placed a hand over the button to open it, but hesitated to push. "Does this change anything?" she asked tentatively.

McCoy quickly grasped her hand reassuringly. "Never," he promised. "I can't imagine how terrifying that was, what happened back then, and telling all of us now. But never believe that I think any less of you."

April managed a weak smile, and let Leonard guide her out into the hallway.

**XXX**

Jim didn't look up as everyone left. He waited until he heard the door close once more, and knew that he and Carol were alone.

He kept looking at his hands as he heard the Science officer stand up and make her way over to the couch, leaning up against the arm rest next to him, leaving a few inches of space between them, sensing that he needed a few more minutes to get his thoughts in order.

Jim bit his lip, playing with his sweatshirt hem as he tried to force himself to speak. After nearly a minute of silence, he finally managed to get the words out. "We're still… I mean," he grimaced harshly. "Does this change anything?" he unknowingly parroted April's words.

Carol rolled her eyes and reached over to stall his fingers from their quest to unravel the hem of his sweatshirt. "You're an idiot," she admonished lightly, but the smile was evident both on her face and in her voice. Jim was startled into looking up, his worried gaze catching Carol's own reassuring one. "The way I see it, everything you've been through is a part of you. Tarsus had a hand in making you who you are, the man I'm crazy about." She shifted, reaching up to grasp Jim around the neck and pull him down for a kiss.

Jim let her lead, and when they pulled apart a minute later, he smiled gratefully. "I'm kind of crazy about you too," he admitted. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I know I should have, but –"

Carol shook her head, cutting him off. "We care about you, Jim. All of us, and me especially. We don't care what happened – well, we do," she corrected herself, "but we don't see you any differently because of it. If anything, it only further highlights your remarkable abilities. Jim, you were a Captain at fourteen years old, you led a group of kids through deplorable circumstances, and you won. And even if it was never confirmed officially, you're the reason Starfleet found out what was going on. You're a hero, Jim. I know you don't like being seen like that, but it's true."

Jim grimaced. "I never wanted anyone to look at me like that. I didn't do anything because I wanted recognition. But I had the ability to do something to stop Kodos, so I did it."

"That's part of what makes you such a great leader," Carol observed, grasping his hand lightly. "You don't set out with the intention of doing anything heroic, you just do what needs to be done. You've always been a great leader, Jim. It seems you just started earlier than we had previously thought."

Jim seemed to at least partially believe her, if the slight receding of the darkness in his eyes was any indication. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier," he said again.

"I never want you to tell me anything because you feel like you should, or you have to," Carol reassured him. "I want you to tell me things because you want to, whenever you feel ready. That's what being in a serious relationship is. I want you to trust me, but I understand that that's hard for you. But you're worth it, Jim. You're worth everything."

Jim immediately pulled her up, wrapping his arms around her waist as he initiated the kiss this time. "Stay tonight," he murmured against her lips when they pulled apart again.

Carol smiled softly, looking up into his loving gaze. "I thought you'd never ask," she answered playfully.

Jim drew her back to his bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them before leading her to his bed. She had slept here before, but not often, as they were still trying to keep their relationship at least somewhat low-key. Sure, the crew knew, but they didn't need to help anyone along by adding fuel to the gossip chain.

Not to mention, Jim was incredibly self-conscious when it came to spending the night with anyone. He and Gaila had done pretty well because they both knew that the other had their own demons, and never expected anything. Other than her though, Jim's relationships had mostly been purely physical – and he always left as soon as they finished. For all his good looks and charm, Jim really didn't do intimate well. He didn't know how to connect with others. Part of it was his childhood –Frank, Winona, Sam, Kodos, everyone who had ever hurt him – and part of it was his genius level IQ, which contributed greatly to his difficulties relating emotionally to other people.

When they were both sitting down, Carol bit her lip anxiously. They had slept together before of course – they had been dating for several years, after all. But they everything just seemed more awkward now, after everything Jim had revealed tonight.

Jim seemed to be just as nervous, if the hesitation on his face was any indication. After a minute of silence, he took a deep breath and tried to force himself to relax. Nothing Carol had done had ever given him any indication that she would be disgusted with him or hate him for everything he had done on Tarsus. It was pretty amazing, the way she seemed to understand him so well. Other than Tom, he had never really had anyone like that in his life. Sure, Bones, April, and Cory had done a pretty good job, but they were still more likely to defer to him when push came to shove. Like Tom, Carol wasn't afraid to call him on his bullshit and slap him upside the head when he needed it.

He seemed to start and stop several times, before he managed to get any words out. Looking down at his lap, he once more began playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, as he appeared to be contemplating something. "It's not a time I really like to remember," he finally said haltingly.

Carol leaned forward encouragingly, but let him speak, knowing that he had to be the one to volunteer the information. He had to believe that he could tell her, and that she would listen without judging.

Jim sighed, slumping slightly. "I spent years trying to forget. For the most part, I was at least able to shove it all aside. It doesn't usually affect me this much. I just…" He drew in a shaky breath and made himself look up, meeting Carol's comforting gaze. "I have… reminders. Of what happened. I can't just lock it all up in the back of my mind, because every time I look in the mirror, it's all I see."

With one last steadying breath, Jim stood up and in a swift move, pulled off his sweatshirt. Carol barely took a moment to admire his muscular frame, and the six-pack that stood out clearly against his toned stomach.

She had seen him without a shirt many times before, but she had never really spent much time studying his toned body. They had usually been too distracted by other activities. But looking at him now, she realized how much she hadn't seen.

Because there were definite scars there. They started at his shoulders, and crisscrossed all the way down his chest and to his hips. Many of them didn't seem to be noticeable unless one looked for it, but they were there. Some looked like knife wounds, some seemed more like old burns. It was horrifying.

And then Jim shifted, turning around so that Carol could see his back, and she couldn't hold in the cry of distress as she pressed one hand to her mouth. Even more scars.

She stood up shakily, and lightly ran one hand over his back, starting just above his pants, and moving up until she was at his shoulder blades. So many injuries. And she could feel the evidence of even more unseen scars as her hand moved shakily across his skin.

Jim shivered lightly under her gentle touch, but didn't pull away. He seemed to be bracing himself for her disapproval, and startled when she pressed her lips gently to his shoulder blade.

She threaded her arms across his chest, pulling him close as she buried her face in his shoulder. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't allow herself to break. Not when Jim was the one who had actually lived through this.

Jim let her hold him for several minutes in silence, before he turned around and returned the hug, grasping her tightly around the waist as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I'm fine," he murmured quietly, knowing that she didn't believe him, but she wouldn't contradict him either. At least not tonight.

Indeed, Carol just looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. When Jim shrugged, she offered him an encouraging smile. "You don't have to be," she reminded him.

Jim shrugged again, and understanding, Carol didn't push him on the subject. Instead, she just reached up to grip him around the neck so that she could pull him down for another kiss.

In a tangled mess of limbs, the two fell backwards onto the bed.


	17. Chapter 17

When Jim woke up the next morning, he was surprised that he had actually managed to sleep through the entire night without waking up once. He would have expected several nightmares, after yesterday.

Turning his head slightly, he realized why he had been so tranquil throughout the night. Carol was still asleep, the light sheet twisting slightly on top of her, showing her bare back but covering most of her legs as she curled contentedly into the pillow, a small smile on her face indicating she was still sleeping peacefully.

Jim glanced around the room for a moment, his gaze catching their discarded clothes from last night, as well as his communicator, blinking urgently in the corner. He groaned quietly, and forced himself to stand up, grabbing his sweatpants as he moved, throwing them on quickly as he checked the message that apparently required his attention.

A wince flashed across his face as he read the query about his location, and realized that he had in fact missed breakfast, and was actually due on the Bridge in less than ten minutes. So was Carol.

"Crap," he muttered, making his way quickly to his closet and pulling out some clean clothes.

A rustling sound from the bed alerted him to Carol's presence, and he turned around as the blonde sat up, blinking owlishly as she tucked the sheet around her.

"Jim? What's the hurry?"

Jim grimaced. "We overslept," he informed her. "Shift starts in seven minutes."

Carol's eyes widened and she quickly stood up, pulling the sheet with her as she grabbed her dirty clothes from the floor and hurried into the bathroom. "Give me two minutes," she called behind her.

Ten seconds later, Jim heard the shower engage, and he returned to dressing himself.

Carol was out of the bathroom and dressed in a record three minutes, toweling her hair dry as she toed one boot on and then the other. By the time she had zipped her shoes and stood back up, Jim was finished and watching her with an amused smile. She glared at him lightly. "Hey, at least you've got clean clothes," she admonished. "So don't start."

Jim held up his hands peacefully. "Not a word," he promised.

Carol rolled her eyes, but didn't reply, instead making for the door, Jim half a step behind.

The walk to the 'lift was quiet, as was the trip up to the Bridge. Jim slipped one hand into hers, and she squeezed reassuringly as the 'lift doors opened, before letting go, allowing him to step out first.

They were clearly the last ones to arrive, and several people looked up as they made their entrance. A few hid amused or understanding smiles, noting everything from their slightly rumpled appearance, to Carol's wet hair.

Spock, Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu appeared to be more concerned than amused, but they did little more than return to their duties as Carol and Jim took their own seats and the shift began.

It was an odd shift, Jim thought. He spent eight hours waiting for someone to bring it up. Every time someone turned to him, he expected a comment relating to his past.

But nothing.

Sulu gave periodic updates on their progress – at warp five, they would reach the planet in about four days – while Spock monitored anomalies and Uhura prepared the mission brief for the rest of the crew; Chekov was a steady presence assisting Sulu at the helm.

From time to time, conversation flowed, and though it was slightly less free than a normal Alpha shift on the Bridge, it was by no means uncomfortable.

By the time the shift ended, Jim was almost relaxed. It seemed remarkable to him, that his crew wasn't treating him any differently. Sure, only a few of them actually knew the truth, but they weren't acting differently enough that a normal person would notice. He could see small changes, but it wasn't enough to make him uncomfortable. And they weren't treating him like he was made of glass, which was always a good thing.

Jim didn't really want to go to the mess hall for dinner, but Carol didn't give him a chance to duck out, dragging him to the 'lift as soon as their shift ended. The rest of the command crew piled in as well, hiding smiles, and they all made the trip down to the mess hall in silence.

Carol also wouldn't let Jim get away with just a salad for dinner. He protested weakly that he wasn't hungry, but she ignored him in favor of adding a plate of chicken and potatoes to his tray.

Jim rolled his eyes, but didn't try and put the food back, leading Carol to an empty table. Chekov and Kevin joined them a minute later, ribbing Jim slightly for failing to meet them for breakfast, but not really angry.

A moment later, McCoy and April joined them, and the rest of the meal passed in amicable silence.

**XXX**

The next few days passed quietly. McCoy finally managed to corner Jim alone two days after that horrifying revelation. His friend was working out at one o'clock in the morning, in an empty gym, when McCoy joined him after having the computer search for his whereabouts. He was only partially surprised when the location proved to be accurate – he wouldn't have put it past the man to hide himself even from the damn computer, if he was in the mood.

But Jim was there, clearly in the middle of an exhausting workout, if the sweat pouring down his face was any indication.

"I would have thought you'd be busy with Carol right now," the doctor commented idly, leaning against the neighboring treadmill as he watched Jim run at an ungodly pace. A quick glance at the readout showed that he'd been here for over an hour already.

Jim didn't startle, which suggested he had known when McCoy entered. He just glanced over and shrugged. "It's one o'clock in the morning, Bones. If anything, shouldn't you be asking why I'm not asleep?" He shook his head, panting slightly from the exertion. "Anyway, she's got a report to finish early, so she's sleeping in her own quarters tonight. Where's April?"

McCoy rolled his eyes at the attempt to turn the tables. "Working Gamma." He paused briefly, and then cursed himself for acting differently. He never used to hesitate with Jim. He was never uncertain, or tentative. Learning about Jim's past on Tarsus shouldn't change that.

Jim was still watching him knowingly, though McCoy could detect the thread of doubt lurking behind the Captain's blue eyes.

With a nearly inaudible growl, McCoy straightened up and forced himself to meet his friend's gaze. "You gonna get off that thing any time soon? There is such a thing as too much exercise."

Jim chuckled lightly, but obligingly hit the stop button, letting the machine guide him into a cool down phase. "Just because you're allergic doesn't mean the rest of us have to avoid it."

McCoy glared, but there was no heat to the expression. After a moment of nearly comfortable silence, the doctor sighed wearily and made himself speak. "Jim, I don't know what your life has been like. I mean, you can tell me stories, or make allusions, and even if I have an idea, I can't know what it was like. And I can't even say that I wish I understood, because I really don't."

Jim interrupted him, stopping the treadmill completely so that he could get off, grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat off his brow as he did so. "I don't want you to understand," he said earnestly, lowering the towel. With a grimace, he set the towel aside and forced himself to look the doctor in the eyes. "It was hell, and I would never wish anyone to experience what I went through down there. But I survived." His expression was honest and true, and McCoy wasn't sure he had ever seen Jim show this much emotion before. "Maybe not completely whole, and with even more ghosts than my mother, brother, and stepfather had already given me, but I survived."

McCoy winced at the rawness to his friend's voice when he mentioned his family. He knew how much their action – or lack thereof – had hurt Jim. "It's not just about surviving, Jim," he had to point out. "When do you start living?"

Jim winced, looking away as he contemplated that. It wasn't easy for him to talk about this, but Bones was his best friend, and he figured if all the crap he had put the man through at the Academy and in the last few years hadn't driven him away, this wouldn't either. It was time to start trusting people. Chris was right; if he didn't give them the chance, he couldn't blame them for not meeting expectations. "I'm not really sure how, sometimes," he admitted quietly.

McCoy frowned and moved over so that he was standing next to Jim, leaning against the treadmill the Captain had been using before he had been interrupted.

Jim sighed and swiped a hand across his face, leaning back as well. "It's not that I don't want to," he elaborated, "I just… my whole life has been about survival. Survive this moment, survive to tomorrow, keep breathing until next week. It's hard to shift focus." McCoy flinched minutely, hating the way that sounded. Jim shrugged apathetically, staring at the floor. "I asked Chris that, once." On McCoy's questioning gaze, he smiled slightly. "When I got to start living. He couldn't give me an answer. It's fine, though. I got used to it."

"You shouldn't have to though," Leonard stressed, shifting so that he was facing Jim directly. Still the Captain didn't look up. "You shouldn't have to always be so focused on that. We're here for you, Jim. I know it's hard for you to let others in, but you don't always have to be watching your own back anymore. Your crew is here to do that for you."

Jim let out a weak snort. "Jon did mention something about you turning down multiple other job offers because you felt that I would get myself killed without you here watching me."

McCoy colored slightly, but held his ground. "I stand by that assessment."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I am actually pretty good at taking care of myself," he griped.

Leonard shook his head slightly. "But that's the point, Jim," he reiterated. "You don't have to do it yourself. I get why you didn't feel like you could tell me about all of this," he ignored Jim's aborted flinch at the statement. "I mean, I do wish that you would understand that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what horrible experiences you've had, and no matter what you tell me; but I do realize why you don't feel comfortable, or safe, or whatever, sharing. All I can do is promise that I will always be here, whenever you need me. Christ Jim, if you needed me to help you hide a body I'd do it, no questions."

Jim raised an eyebrow as he looked over at the doctor. "Come on Bones, be honest with yourself. You'd be right there next to me, telling me how to kill the guy and make it look like an accident."

McCoy growled, cuffing the younger man lightly on the back of the head. "I'm trying to cut back on the illegal activities," he responded irritably, but Jim was definitely right. Leonard knew where his place was, and it was standing right next to his idiotic best friend, come hell or high water.

Jim just chuckled and grabbed his workout gear, making for the gym exit, McCoy half a step behind. "Then you definitely shouldn't be spending as much time as you are in the back corner of Engineering. That distillery of Scotty's that I know nothing about is completely against regulations."

McCoy rolled his eyes but didn't speak. They stopped before opening the door, and Jim turned to face his friend, an unusual expression that was half acceptance, half trepidation fleeting across his face. "Thanks," he said quietly, before pushing the door open and heading in the direction of the officer's quarters.

McCoy watched him leave, surprise at the gratitude momentarily pausing his movements, and by the time he unfroze himself, Jim was already in the 'lift. He shook himself off and hurried down the hall himself, intent on making his way back to his quarters to at least get _some_ sleep before his shift.

**XXX**

Jim met with Spock the next day, to discuss their plans; Jim was adamant that he would go down with the away team to survey the situation, despite the Vulcan's offer to take the lead.

Jim was grateful, but knew that he had to do this. He had been living with the ghosts of Tarsus for too long. He needed to go back, to lay it to rest, once and for all.

Spock would not pretend to understand, but he simply offered his assistance once more.

Jim shook his head slightly. "I need you in charge up here," he reiterated. "I'll be fine, I can handle it."

Spock inclined his head stoically, and stood up to leave. He paused by the door and turned back to face his Captain. "I have no doubt of that, Jim. However, I feel it necessary to state that you do not have to 'handle it' alone."

He was gone before Jim could come up with a reply.

The next day, the day before they arrived, Jim sought out Kevin, Pavel, and April to offer them the chance to join the away team. Technically speaking, April couldn't participate, since she hadn't officially graduated from the Academy yet, but Jim would keep it off the books if she wanted to beam down. She deserved the chance to accept or decline though, because he knew she needed closure as much as he did.

All three of them took him up on the offer, though not without their own trepidation.

When the away team gathered in the transporter room, Jim could see the fear practically radiating off of Kevin, April, and Pavel.

McCoy was there as well, and Lieutenant Hendorff and Ensign Aarons from Security rounded out the rest of the initial away team. Once they cleared the colony, they would call for the scientists to join them, to collect samples.

Jim ignored the crowd for the moment, in favor of opening up a comm. to the Bridge. "Any signs of life down there?" he asked brusquely.

A moment later, Spock replied. "All scans negative, Captain."

Jim nodded slightly. "Keep us informed if anything changes."

With a jerk of his head, he indicated for all of them to step onto the transporter pad, and a moment later, they disappeared from the ship, and arrived on the planet's surface.

Jim only needed half a second to take in his surroundings, before he recognized their landing site. He almost stopped breathing, but Kevin, standing next to him, discreetly wrapped a hand around his wrist, squeezing tightly, and Jim immediately put his focus into making sure the younger man was all right.

Kevin appeared to be hiding his distress well, but it was obvious he also recognized the square they were in. Jim followed is gaze to the far side, and swallowed harshly as he saw the small alley he and Tom had managed to slip in and out through, on the day of the massacre. He had pulled Kevin from his mother's dead embrace less than five yards from that very exit.

Kevin's gaze was pained, but he swallowed and nodded slightly when Jim gave him a questioning look.

Knowing that that was the best he would get for now – Kevin's hand was still locked around his wrist, and Jim made no move to dislodge him – he turned to the rest of the team.

"Hendorff, Aarons, search the north part of the city. If you find any signs of life, notify me immediately."

The two Security Officers nodded quickly and left. Jim turned back and saw McCoy staring intently and somewhat sickly at several splotches of dark brown on the ground. After a moment, the doctor looked up, and Jim shrugged, glancing at the dried blood briefly.

"Starfleet's priority was getting survivors off planet," he said quietly. "They never thought anyone would come back, so why make an attempt to clean up the mess?"

Leonard looked disgusted by the action – or lack thereof – but Jim didn't wait for a reply, and turned to look at April. "Check the south part of the city." He turned to Kevin, but the navigator shook his head, looking up at the gleaming white building that had at one point housed Tarsus' government. The building that had held him captive for almost two weeks, nearly fifteen years ago. Jim sighed, understanding Kevin's need to revisit the hellish past and put it to bed, as much as he would prefer to protect the younger man from the memories. But this was why they had all beamed down when he had offered, so he just turned back to the rest of the group. "Chekov, go with her."

The two hesitated only for a moment, before following his orders. April brushed a hand lightly across his arm, hoping the motion was reassuring, before she left the trio alone.

McCoy raised an eyebrow when Jim looked at him, and the Captain shrugged resignedly. "Let's go," he said, heading towards the Governor's Palace at a reluctant walk.

Kevin was a steady presence at his side, and McCoy followed half a step behind, keeping an eye on both men, carefully watching for any signs of distress. But both seemed to be hiding their turbulent emotions pretty well. Other than the slight tremor to Kevin's frame and the relatively discreet death-grip he had on the Captain's wrist, there were no outward signs that anything was amiss.

McCoy didn't buy it, but he figured they had gotten pretty good at pretending nothing was wrong over the years.

Jim stopped abruptly as they took their first steps inside the abandoned building, memories washing over him unwillingly. He had spent so much time here. He had loved being here.

He hated being here.

Kevin pressed against Jim's side, either drawing comfort or offering it, neither one was quite sure which.

McCoy stayed back, feeling the pain radiating off of the two, but knowing that this was their past to handle, and they didn't need an intruder butting in. He wanted to help so badly, but he couldn't, and he hated that.

So instead of actually being the pillar of support he wanted to be, he just followed silently as Jim and Kevin seemed to know exactly where they were going. It actually appeared to be a subconscious motion, as Jim led them through winding halls that at one point must have been sleek and impressive.

Now, most of it was covered in dust. When McCoy glanced into a few rooms, he saw broken furniture and items scattered across floors. It looked like people had left in a hurry.

The doctor didn't want to think about the reasons behind that. Whether it was because the people who worked in this building had been fleeing the impending arrival of Starfleet, or because the civilians had wanted to get the hell off the planet after nearly dying from genocide or starvation.

Jim seemed to be moving on autopilot as he passed through the echoing halls. Kevin followed half a step behind, and McCoy followed him, wishing they were literally anywhere but here.

Down three more halls, a flight of stairs, more empty rooms… Jim seemed to know where he was going, so McCoy didn't question him, but Kevin kept glancing at him, as if silently asking him if he was sure he knew what he was doing.

Two more flights down, and they reached what appeared to be a basement. McCoy frowned as he pushed the door open. It creaked loudly in the piercing silence, and banged unceremoniously against the wall, causing the doctor to jump slightly. Kevin inhaled sharply, but Jim's expression remained carefully neutral.

"Are you sure about this?" the younger man asked, glancing up at Jim worriedly.

A sliver of pain made its way through the emotionless mask before he managed to contain it, and the Captain shrugged. "Just clear the level. Then we'll head back upstairs."

He pushed passed the other two, and entered a dungeon.

Kevin sucked in a deep breath and followed. McCoy diligently brought up the rear, though not without several choice words about their current situation, muttered under his breath as he hurried to catch up to the other two.

The cells around them were empty, not that McCoy expected anything else. Although if he was being honest with himself, he might have harbored some sick fear that they would find skeletons behind the bars surrounding them.

But there was no one here.

Kevin and Jim paused briefly outside one set of cells, and Kevin nearly collapsed; he would have crumpled to the floor if Jim hadn't caught him. The Captain hugged him tightly, whispering reassuringly into his ear.

McCoy couldn't hear what he was saying, but Kevin seemed to be responding, getting himself under control after a few minutes.

"You don't have to stay down here," Jim murmured softly, pulling back and looking Kevin in the eye, hoping that the younger man would feel comfortable enough speaking up if he needed to leave.

Kevin shook his head stubbornly. "I'm fine," he said grimly. "It's just… been a while."

Jim snorted quietly, and there was a very clear hint of hysteria in the action that both Kevin and McCoy caught, not that they could do anything about it, since Jim turned away immediately and continued clearing the level.

It wasn't until they reached the very end of the hall before Jim stopped again, this time outside a door that stood partially open; the bottom hinge of the door was broken, causing the door to look in very real danger of falling over.

Kevin glanced at Jim again, drawing in a shaky breath when the Captain hesitantly pushed the rickety door open. The remaining hinge broke as Jim pushed, and the door fell backwards against the wall with a loud clatter.

Jim froze in the entrance to the room, unable to move.

McCoy peered around his friend, and had to force himself not to let out a string of curses as he saw what looked to be an abandoned torture chamber in the room beyond.

There was an old table lying near the center, and in one corner, a set of shackles hung from the ceiling. There were several abandoned knives on the ground covered in a layer of dust, and hanging from a bracket on the far wall were what McCoy could unfortunately identify as different types of whips, from the 'regular' level of evil, right up to the 'there's a special spot in hell reserved just for you asshole' kind, with multiple prongs and barbs sticking out of the end. There were splashes of dried blood all around the room – on the table, the floor, the walls, and the abandoned tools.

Kevin's grip on Jim's wrist tightened briefly, hoping that he could offer some sort of comfort. He knew that Jim was in more danger of falling apart than him, but the Captain was better at hiding it, so they likely wouldn't notice until it happened. He hoped they could get through this before he reached that point.

A loud noise echoed down the silent hall, and Jim was immediately on autopilot, pulling out his phaser and pointing it in the direction of the sound.

A few moments later, April and Chekov appeared, looking relieved to have found them. "The city looks pretty abandoned," the doctor informed them, as Jim stowed his phaser once more.

April glanced inside the room they were clustered around, and swallowed harshly. She hadn't ever been here before, but she didn't need to be a genius to guess at the kinds of horrors that had happened in this room. She had seen Jim on that biobed after the fact. She might not have actually read the medical report, but she had a pretty good idea of what he had been through. She glanced at Jim and he shook his head slightly, his expression completely blocked.

"Come on," April said with a forced air of casualness. "Let's go back outside." Jim didn't respond verbally, but he followed her when she led him back down the hall, and the rest fell into step behind him.

Hendorff and Aarons had returned, and were quick to reassure their Captain that the part of the city they had searched was deserted as well. "If anyone was here, sir, it was a while ago."

Jim nodded distractedly, and glanced around the square they were standing in, his mind working at a mile a minute, putting together all kinds of thoughts and ideas, clues that registered subconsciously even if he didn't outright notice them.

Hendorff cleared his throat, drawing Jim's attention once more. "We did find this, Captain, on the other side of the square." He held out a communicator for Jim to inspect.

Jim did so, turning it on cautiously, and reading the writing that appeared on the screen with a furrowed brow. "Klingon," he murmured, confused. What the hell were Klingons doing on a deserted planet? Why had they been here? How long ago, and what had been their goal? If they were looking to cause destruction and mayhem, wouldn't they have picked a planet with life on it?

"So the city has no signs of life, but someone has been here recently," he commented idly, still studying the communicator. "And within the last couple of years."

"How do you know that?" McCoy asked curiously.

Jim glanced at him and shrugged with one shoulder. "Several of the rooms we passed in there had less dust," he said by way of explanation. "Still a significant amount, enough to collect over a year or two, but compared to other rooms that hadn't seen activity in over a decade…" He trailed off, but McCoy nodded in understanding.

"So the Klingons are… what? Using this as a base or something? What the hell are they planning?" Kevin asked, frustrated at the conundrum.

Jim grimaced and shrugged again, pulling out his own comm. to tell the _Enterprise_ to send the science team down to take samples of the plant life.

McCoy stepped forward slightly once Jim put the comm. away, and frowned worriedly. "What do you want to do?" he asked quietly.

Jim considered telling the doctor that he wanted to get flat out drunk and forget that this planet ever existed, but knew that that wouldn't go down very well, so instead he just sighed. "Let's just do what we came here to do, and then get the hell out."

They all seemed to agree with that idea, and a few seconds later, the trio of botanists arrived.

Jim smiled reassuringly at them. "We'll go out to the fields and you'll collect the samples. It's a few minutes outside the city, so let's get moving."

They all followed him as he led the way out of the deserted square still stained with blood, all of them relieved to not have to spend any more time in the eerie silence of the city that surrounded them on all sides.

When they reached the fields, Jim hung back with Kevin and April, apprehensive at the familiar sight. McCoy and Chekov stayed with them, while Jim instructed the two security officers to stick with the botanists.

After a few minutes of tense silence, Chekov bit his lip and turned hesitantly to face the Captain. "Do you think we might be able to…?" He trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.

Jim seemed to understand though, because his expression turned pained as he glanced at April.

The doctor nodded slightly. "I never really got a chance to say goodbye," she whispered, grief shining in her eyes.

Jim took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Pulling out his comm., he opened a channel to the _Enterprise_ , asking about any suspicious activity around the planet. Spock's negative reply didn't do much to reassure him, but he put the device away and returned to the group around him.

Glancing at McCoy, Jim shook his head slightly. "Bones, you stay here. Help them out if you can, so that we can get the hell out of here. It'll take a few hours to get complete samples; we'll stay in radio contact, and be back soon. If anyone asks, we're going to check the surrounding areas for any signs of activity. Comm. me immediately if there are any issues."

McCoy looked like he wanted to argue, but didn't get a chance, as Jim quickly led April, Chekov, and Kevin in the direction of the woods in the distance.

The group walked in silence for most of the trip. Chekov stayed half a step behind as the rest followed the familiar path through the woods and along a path that sloped steadily upwards. Even after over a decade, they still knew the way. None of them would ever be able to forget.

When they finally reached the cave, Jim halted abruptly, almost causing Kevin to walk into him.

They spread out slightly, Kevin and April waiting for their leader to tell them he was ready to continue. They wouldn't move any further without him. Chekov stood several steps behind, his gaze fixed on the cave ten feet in front of them.

After a minute of silence, Jim managed to pull himself together enough to keep moving. He walked forward slowly, deliberately, the others following his lead, until they were all standing in the mouth of the cave.

Jim glanced at Chekov, and attempted a smile. "It wasn't too bad," he shrugged stiltedly. "Could have been worse."

April cuffed him lightly on the shoulder, and took a step inside, unwillingly flashing back to the months she had spent playing doctor in the back of the cave. She had wanted to practice medicine ever since she was a kid, but being the seventeen-year-old CMO for a group of kids on the brink of starvation and hunted daily so that they could be killed for the crime of not being 'worthy' enough, was _not_ what she had had in mind.

"Do you remember where…?" Kevin trailed off, afraid to even say the words. He hadn't gone with them to bury Anya – he had only been six at the time. April, Jim, and Cory were the only ones who actually knew where their Communications Officer had been buried.

Jim nodded stoically, and led them down a different path from the one they had used to reach the cave.

It took a few more minutes to get there, and Jim was drawn to the sad 'X' that stood at the edge of the tiny clearing. It was the only way they had been able to mark the shallow grave. It wasn't like they could have engraved anything, and they were all too exhausted and malnourished anyway, to do much more than stick a few branches in the ground to mark the hastily dug grave, before they headed back out to carry on attempting to survive.

Jim swallowed harshly and looked over at Chekov. He inclined his head slightly, and the Navigator stepped forward, shaking with emotion.

Jim gestured for the others to move back, leaving Chekov alone with his sister.

Pavel sunk to the ground, the action nearly boneless until he landed on his knees.

"Anya," he whispered, his voice filled with grief and sorrow. He reached out with one shaking hand and rested it gently on the pile of dirt that separated him from his sister's remains. Switching to Russian, he spoke to her for the first time in over fifteen years. " _I wish I could remember more about you,_ " he murmured, sniffing in an attempt to keep the tears in. " _I wish I had known you better. But you did so much for me, even if you didn't realize it. Anya, I want to thank you, for wanting more than life in Syurye. You gave me hope that I could get out and see the universe as well._ " He glanced back at where the others were standing, and smiled slightly, before returning his attention to the grave. " _And thank you for giving me Jim. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I promise, Anya, I will try to make you proud. And I am proud to call you my sister. Goodbye._ "

He stood up and backed away until he was standing next to Jim. He felt a comfortable weight settle around his shoulders as the Captain drew him into a one-armed hug.

April stepped forward next, and her quiet goodbye reached the others' ears as indistinct murmurings. When she finished, she retreated to Jim's side, her eyes over bright with unshed tears. Kevin glanced at the others, and on Jim's nod, shuffled forward to say a quick goodbye to the teenager he vaguely remembered from nearly fifteen years ago. Anya had been a steady presence in his life, as one of the younger kids she had spent so much time reassuring. Jim was their leader, the one they all knew would carry them through the fear and panic. But Anya had been the one to hold their hands as they fell asleep, played games with them when they were all getting antsy, and made sure that they had a blanket to keep them warm or enough food to stave off starvation. Jim had done a lot of that as well, when he could, but he had been busy planning food runs and gathering information to make sure the guards wouldn't find them. He couldn't always be there for the kids the way Kevin knew he had wanted to be.

Jim took a deep steadying breath as he separated from the group and walked slowly towards the insufficient grave marker. They should have been able to do better for her. Hell, she should never have died in the first place.

The others backed up a few paces, giving Jim some more privacy, as he knelt down weakly, feeling the burn of tears in his eyes, but unwilling to let them fall. " _I miss you, Anya_ ," he said brokenly, the Russian words escaping his lips as easily as if he were speaking Standard. " _I'm sorry. I should have been better. I should have been able to save you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough._ " He spared a quick half-glance back to where the others were standing, and then returned his gaze to his friend's grave. " _Your brother is amazing. He's so smart and talented, just like you. I promise, I'll protect him as much as I can, but he's got the same wild streak as you, so I don't think he'd enjoy being sheltered._ " He took a deep shuddering breath, and then stood up, still focused on Anya's grave. " _I got out, Anya, just like you made me promise. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I thought I wouldn't be able to make it work, but I'm still here. I'm living my life, just like you wanted me to. I'll never forget you though. Goodbye."_

He retreated slowly, and then with a weak head jerk, gestured for them all to head back down the path. They had been here too long anyway, no doubt McCoy and the others were wondering what the hell they were doing.

The trek back was nearly silent, with Kevin leading in front, and Jim right behind, his hand firmly grasping Pavel's wrist in an attempt to offer comfort. On his other side, April was walking so closely, she very nearly tripped over the Captain several times, but neither one seemed inclined to move apart.

When they reached the tree line, Jim bit his lip, glancing around at their desolate surroundings. Turning back to the others, he sighed, his expression clouding over as he once more pulled up the stoic mask that hid all his pain from the world. "You guys go on. I have one more thing I need to do."

April frowned. "Jim…"

Jim shook his head, attempting a smile that didn't really set any of them at ease. "I promise, I'll be there soon. Just go back to the others."

He didn't wait for them to argue any further, and just headed in the opposite direction of where they had left the botany team. April knew what lay at the end of the path he had taken. Jim was going home. Or rather, what used to be home.

She looked over at Kevin and Pavel and jerked her head down the path that would lead them back to the rest of the group. "I'll catch up with you in a bit. Tell Leonard not to worry, we'll be back soon."

She took off at a steady jog until she had caught up with Jim. He glanced over, confused, and April glared at him lightly, though there wasn't too much heat to the expression. "I deserve a chance to say goodbye to my childhood home as well," she said simply.

Jim nodded slightly, and the two walked the rest of the way in silence. When they reached the home that April remembered had once belonged to Hoshi Sato, Jim stopped. Swallowing harshly, he looked over at her. "Why don't you go do what you need to do, and we'll meet up in a few."

April hesitated briefly, before letting out a weary sigh and continuing along the dirt road to where she had once lived happily with her parents.

Jim only paused for a moment, before he stepped over the threshold to what used to be Hoshi's living room. His eyes unwillingly sought out the scuffle marks on the floor, and the ransacked kitchen. He hadn't been lying when he had told McCoy that Starfleet's primary goal had been getting people out. No one had thought it worth trying to clean anything up, because no one had thought anyone would ever come back. So the house still looked the same as it had fifteen years ago, with cupboards open and empty, the small table broken into many pieces, and a stain of a dark brown color where Hoshi had fallen after the guards had shot her.

Jim knew he was probably shaking with repressed emotion, but he couldn't make himself stop for several long minutes. Finally, he managed to get himself under control. He looked around the dilapidated house, sniffed the tears away, and turned around to leave.

On the door was a piece of paper, the words long since having faded away, but Jim knew what had been written there. With a low growl, he ripped the notice down, crumpling it up and throwing it on the ground as he left the house. He didn't care what that insane asshole thought, Hoshi Sato had never been 'lesser' in anything.

His next stop was his aunt and uncle's house. Once more, he had to force the emotions down at seeing the first home he had ever known looking so rundown. It still looked ransacked, and the bloodstains were still there, right where his aunt and uncle had been killed, in the kitchen.

Jim couldn't stop the tears this time. Marie and Terry had been the first parental figures to treat him with anything other than disdain and indifference. They had opened up their home to him, and welcomed him unconditionally. He hadn't ever told them what that had meant to him. When he had come to them at twelve, he had been a mistrustful pre-teen who thought the whole world hated him, so he might as well hate the world right back. Marie and Terry had just been starting to make progress at teaching him how to trust again, when they had been killed.

Jim wasn't sure how much time had passed, but he knew he needed to return to the others, so with a concerted effort, he managed to slow the tears. Wiping them away, he glanced at the bloodstains once more. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before leaving. The door banged closed behind him, the sound echoing in the eerie silence.

April was waiting for him at the road that led back to the city, her eyes shining with tears. They didn't speak as they turned together and headed back down the road, but April slid her hand into Jim's, and squeezed tightly. They stayed like that through the entire journey back.

Jim wasn't entirely sure it was a conscious thing, that they somehow altered their path to take them passed the mass graves that had been dug to dispose of those Kodos had deemed 'unworthy'.

Jim's steps faltered here, knowing that if he had only done more, there would be fewer bodies in those graves. If he had only figured out about the jamming signal earlier, or if he hadn't run off to Kodos to tell him about the fungus, if he hadn't waited so long after telling him to try and figure out what was going on… how many things could he have done differently, that could have saved so many more people?

April knew what he was thinking, but didn't do anything other than squeeze his hand tighter and gently pull him away, continuing down the road towards the living bodies she could just make out in the distance.

Jim let out a shuddering breath, and forced his mind back to the present. Should have, could have, would have. He would always feel guilty, and he knew that there were so many things everyone could have done differently, but April was right. They had spent too much time wallowing in the past down here. It was time to go back to the _Enterprise_. It was time to go home.


	18. Chapter 18

Alpha shift was over by the time they returned to the ship, so with a few clipped words, Jim dismissed everyone to their own personal time, and disappeared before McCoy could stop him.

Leonard and April left the transporter room together, after promising Kevin and Chekov they'd see them later, and headed back to the CMO's quarters in silence. Leonard kept a grip on April's hand through the entire trip, hoping to offer some sort of comfort, but unsure if he was succeeding.

When they reached Leonard's quarters, they immediately dropped onto the couch wearily, thankful that Joanna was spending the night with one of her friends, Sheri Conway, the nine year old daughter one of the Ensigns who worked in Communications.

April let out a low moan and sunk deeper into the sofa. "Can we just pretend none of this is actually happening?" she asked despairingly.

Leonard could do little more than wrap an arm around her shoulders and hug her comfortingly. "I wish I could do more to help," he said quietly.

April glanced up at him and shook her head, attempting to smile. "Thank you for being here, Len, that's all I want. And I know Jim doesn't share things well, but he appreciates you being here as well."

Leonard huffed lightly, but didn't say anything else. They remained on the sofa for well over an hour, neither one finding the inclination to move, whether it be to complete paperwork, find some sort of evening activity to capture their attention, or go to the mess hall for dinner.

Finally, April let out a long sigh and made herself stand up. "I think I should probably make sure Jim hasn't completely cut himself off from civilization," she said tiredly.

Leonard stood as well. "Want some company?" Part of him was surprised that he asked. Usually, he would just consider it part of his job description, to make sure the idiot remembered that he was a human being in need of actual human being things, like food, contact with other people, and sleep. But he had to accept the idea that there were others on this ship who cared about Jim just as much as he did, and in some ways, probably knew more about him than Leonard did. April could reach Jim better right now, loathe as he was to admit it.

The duo started at Jim's quarters, but when Leonard used his medical override, no one was inside. April just shrugged and led her boyfriend down the hall, aiming for an out of the way Observation Deck that the command crew liked to use sometimes, when they wanted to avoid the crowds of crewmembers that populated the other ODs. She always liked coming here with Leonard, since it was pretty far removed from the rest of the ship, and therefore, they didn't have to worry about anybody watching them making out. There was something so romantic about kissing under the stars, which was why they liked to use the OD when possible, rather than one of their private quarters, since they just didn't have the same view. It wasn't strictly regulated as command crew only, but because of its position at the end of the corridor where all the command crew's rooms were located, very few other officers chose to use it.

April might not consider herself the leading expert on all things Jim Kirk, but she knew how much he loved looking at the stars. And her instinct proved to be correct, as she and Leonard opened the door to find their wayward Captain leaning against the large window on the far wall.

Carol was there as well, standing next to her boyfriend with one hand pressed firmly against his arm.

Jim's arms were crossed as he stared out at the stars surrounding them. He didn't so much as twitch when the door opened, but Carol glanced over and nodded slightly, her eyes pained with empathy for Jim, and sorrow that she couldn't really do anything to help.

Jim remained impassive as the two doctors joined them, no one saying anything as they settled in comfortably, as if they had nothing better to do than watch the stars all night.

It was less than five minutes later that the door opened again, and Jim, watching the reflections in the glass in front of him, saw Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, Kevin, and Chekov enter the room. Spock turned around and entered a code into the panel by the door, and Jim knew that he was locking the room to prevent any unwanted interruptions.

The entire group was silent as they took up positions around him. McCoy stepped back slightly, leaving April and Carol the closest, while Kevin joined them, taking a seat at his Captain's feet. The others stayed close enough to offer comfort, but not too close to crowd.

Jim appreciated the way they weren't pressing. They were just… there, in case he needed them.

It was a few more silent minutes before he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It's the guilt that gets you," he said abruptly, drawing all eyes to him. He felt more than saw Kevin looking up, his neck bent at such a degree that couldn't be comfortable to maintain for long. Jim swallowed harshly, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotion. "It's not the loss. It's not remembering all the things you'll never be able to do together again. It's the guilt. It gets in and tears at your soul. It's the feeling that if you were only stronger, or smarter, or just… better… that you could have saved them. If you had just seen it, been one step faster, realized what was happening…" He took in another shuddering breath, and opened his eyes. "It's the guilt. Knowing that you could have saved them, that it's your fault they're dead."

Complete silence met his claim, and he knew they were all trying to find some way to persuade him that it wasn't actually his fault. But nothing could do that. He had had nearly fifteen years to let these feelings sink in, and it wouldn't be so easy to uproot them.

Finally, McCoy stepped forward. "Jim… You did everything you could. I might not know the whole story, but I know that much."

Kevin nodded quickly. "You did more than anyone else, Jim. You got the jamming signal down, you got the info to Starfleet." If they weren't all so intent on providing support to their friend, the others might have shown some surprise at the verbal proof at what Starfleet had been wondering for the last fifteen years. No one had ever confirmed just who had alerted them to the situation, or sent out the information that condemned Kodos and his plans, despite the rumors that it had been the child JT who had saved so many, and then disappeared. "Everyone else was too busy hiding, or enjoying being 'worthy members of society'. I know I couldn't have done it."

Jim rolled his eyes. "You were six."

April leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder in an attempt to both offer comfort and receive it. "I couldn't have done what you did." Her voice dropped to a whisper, as if speaking any louder was just too much of an effort. Even so, the room was so quiet, they could all hear her. "Jim, you never told him where to find us. He did everything he could to break you, and you never talked. I wouldn't have lasted more than a day."

Jim grimaced and glanced down at her, reaching over to rub her back soothingly. Turning back to the window, he spoke again. "Everyone has a breaking point," he said apathetically, his voice nearly devoid of all emotion as his gaze seemed fixed on something only he could see. "The trick is to get out before your enemy finds it. You don't know what you're capable of until you're up against it."

McCoy definitely wanted to say something to that, but he had no idea what he would say, so he just bit his tongue and kept quiet. Interestingly enough, Spock seemed to be having the same problem, while Uhura kept the Vulcan in his spot by grasping his hand so tightly, it had taken on a chalk-colored tinge. The Communications Officer's face was alternating between periods of horror, before she managed to get herself under control and schooled her expression back to neutrality.

Sulu and Scotty had settled on disturbed and troubled, but were letting those who were closer to the situation handle it. They would stay all night, if necessary, to show Jim that they would never abandon him, and that this didn't change anything, but they knew that they weren't whom the Captain needed right now.

Chekov had joined Kevin on the floor, his hand resting against Jim's leg lightly, a simple gesture that he hoped could help ground the Captain in reality and keep him from slipping completely into the past.

Carol was still a steady presence at Jim's side, grasping his arm tightly and offering what little comfort she could. She would do anything if it meant showing Jim that she would always be there for him, no matter what horrors he had had to live through in the past, or in the future. She could never think less of him for this. If anything, it was the opposite.

"Jim, it wasn't your fault," Kevin felt like he had to state it, even if he knew it wouldn't make a difference.

Indeed, Jim just grimaced and shrugged. "I did a lot of things on that planet that I'm not proud of," he admitted quietly. "And I know in my head that what you're saying might be true, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. It's like…" he sighed and shook his head slightly. "It's like getting slipped the worst roofie of all time, and then waking up to find you've burned half the city down." He felt himself shrug again. "You can say it wasn't my fault, that I would never have done it if I had been in control, but at the end of the day, I'm still the one with the lighter in my hand."

Complete silence met that analogy. After several minutes, April finally let out a low sigh. "Jim, you're the reason I'm still alive. You're the reason Kevin's still alive. And so many others. Tom, Kieran, Percy, Rose, Sha'al, and all the rest. We survived because of you."

Kevin nodded quickly. "If it weren't for you, Starfleet would never have known something was wrong. They would never have come."

Jim didn't respond to either claim, but he did relax slightly, a minute gesture that they only caught because they were all watching him so intently.

Uhura knew that she should probably stay quiet and let those who could actually relate handle this, but she couldn't help herself. "Just face the facts, Jim, you're amazing. Embrace it."

Jim let out a low snort as he looked at Uhura's reflection in the glass, meeting her gaze through the distorted image. "Hoshi would have loved you," he said quietly, a soft smile on his face as he remembered the first teacher he had ever had who hadn't told him to stop being so smart. "She was a hard ass too."

Uhura blinked, surprised at the sudden topic change. And then the words filtered through her brain and she realized what he had said. "Wait, Hoshi Sato? But didn't she die…"

Jim nodded slightly, his gaze flickering down briefly. "Nearly fifteen years ago. She retired to Tarsus. She was one of the first ones to die. I'm guessing Starfleet didn't want it known that she was on Kodos' kill list."

"So you knew her?" Uhura asked excitedly, before remembering that now probably wasn't the time for such enthusiasm.

But Jim just chuckled amusedly, more life shining through his eyes than they had seen since Komack had given them this mission. "Brilliant linguist. She insisted I learn Vulcan before she would consent to teach me Klingon."

Uhura leaned forward slightly, intrigued. "So she's the one who taught you all the languages you know?" she asked, impressed that he had in fact learned from the woman who had pioneered the universal translator.

Jim shrugged, looking down. "Just the first few. I picked up a few more traveling the galaxy after…" He trailed off, not finishing that sentence. After a moment, he shook himself off, and looked back up. "She was pretty surprised when I asked her if she'd teach me. I didn't even know what xenolinguistics was. I just wanted her to teach me to swear in Klingon."

"Xenolinguistics, study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax," Uhura quoted, remembering their first meeting. She had gotten the distinct impression that he had been quoting someone. "She's the one who told you that."

Jim grinned at her, nodding slightly. "Hoshi did always say I had a talented tongue."

The others all looked confused at the allusion to a conversation that they were not privy to, but didn't comment, seeing the slight lift in depressing mood, and happy that Jim seemed to at least remember some of his time on that planet with joy.

After another minute, Jim sighed, sobering as he shook his head minutely, still facing the large window and the stars beyond. "You can't change the past. Things happen, life sucks, you get over it and move on. Eventually, it gets easier." He shook himself off and shrugged, the movement of his shoulder blades rippling his command gold shirt. "Maybe I'm not completely fine, but I'm not going to break."

"No one here thinks that," Sulu said quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth almost as soon as Jim had finished talking. When they all looked at him, he leaned forward slightly, his expression earnest and honest. "We have no idea what to do here, Jim. But nobody thinks you're going to break. Seriously, I'm kind of tempted to slap you upside the head and knock some sense into you for even considering that."

"Not going to work," McCoy snorted, shaking his head despairingly. "This idiot's never had sense."

Jim rolled his eyes at the slur, but didn't protest, and the small smile on his face told everyone he wasn't upset. In all honesty, the CMO was right. Jim had always had a habit of ignoring rules and logic.

When they had all settled down once more, it seemed like the evening was over. Jim appeared to be fading fast, if the increase in lines surrounding his eyes were any indication – and they really were the only indication, since Jim was so good at hiding his emotions.

Likewise, April and Kevin also appeared to have had the mental crap beat out of them by the day's events.

Sulu and Scotty left first, followed soon after by Spock and Uhura. Chekov and Kevin departed after giving Jim awkward one-armed hugs.

As the door closed behind the two Navigators, Jim let out a weary sigh and wilted slightly, his shoulders slumping in exhaustion.

Carol leaned into his side and wrapped her arms around his waist, her face pressed against his shoulder as she closed her eyes in sympathy. "What can I do?" she asked quietly, hoping that he would take her up on the offer, just this once, but not really expecting anything. She knew her boyfriend.

Predictably, Jim immediately offered up a smile, weak as it was, and shook his head. "It's fine, Carol. Don't worry about it."

Carol straightened up and offered him a halfhearted glare. "Jim, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. You're smart, and capable, kind and compassionate, and remarkably selfless. I love you and I will stand by you until the universe comes to an end, but please do not insult me by insinuating that you are anything less than you are. You're worth our concern. You're worth caring about – what?" She stopped midsentence, confused about the look Jim was giving her.

Jim blushed slightly. "Can you repeat that?"

Carol frowned, mentally replaying her words back, trying to figure out what had cause the Captain to pause. Suddenly, she realized what she had just let slip, and her face turned bright pink. She studiously ignored April and Leonard watching the pair with amused grins.

Taking a deep breath, Carol forced herself to meet Jim's bright gaze. "I meant everything I said." When Jim didn't immediately reply, Carol turned, if possible, and even brighter shade of red. "That's not… I mean… damn it, I didn't mean…"

She was cut off when Jim bent down and captured her lips in a searing kiss. Pulling back, he smiled softly. "I love you too," he whispered.

Carol smiled brilliantly. "Good." She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close, resting her cheek against his firm chest, drawing comfort in his steady presence. "I know we've been together for a while, and that was probably long overdue. I guess neither of us is really that great with feelings, are we."

Jim chuckled lightly, the motion tickling her cheek, and she pulled back, looking up into his amused gaze. "Jim, I know that this is difficult for you, but please don't close yourself off. Keeping all this in… it doesn't make it hurt less, it just hurts the people you shut out."

Jim swallowed harshly, sobering in the face of Carol's wise words. "I'm sorry," he said softly, but Carol just shook her head.

"Don't apologize, Jim," she protested. "You have nothing to apologize for. Just know that we're here, and don't let that voice in your head win." When Jim looked at her quizzically, she sighed. "You know the one. The voice that tells you we're going to leave if we hear the truth, that there's no way we'll ever look at you the same. Because I promise you, that voice is an asshole, and one hundred percent wrong."

April and Leonard snorted in amusement, but the real win was seeing Jim smile and nod in apparent agreement.

"I can't promise to completely change overnight," the Captain warned, "but I do promise I'll try harder, all right?"

Carol stood up on her toes to give him a light kiss on the lips. "That works for me," she confirmed contentedly.

Clearing his throat, McCoy shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "She's right, Jim. No one's invincible, you don't have to pretend that you are. None of us are buying it. It's all well and good to say that you don't need anyone, but people weren't meant to go through life alone, no matter what you think. It's OK to ask for help sometimes. I'm not going to beat that horse anymore though; you know I'm always here."

Jim nodded slightly, smiling at his friend. "I know I don't say it a lot, Bones, but I really do appreciate everything you do for me. You're a great friend."

This was crossing the territory into uncomfortable and way too bromantic for either of them, so McCoy just inclined his head. "Likewise."

He didn't wait for a response, and just turned on his heel and left the room. With an amused smile, April followed her boyfriend, after giving Jim one last supportive hug.

Carol pulled back and grasped Jim's hand in hers. "Bed?" she invited, ready for this day to be over.

Jim sighed slightly, and shook his head. "I need to file my report. I'll be there in an hour or so, all right?"

Carol frowned disapprovingly. "Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

Jim shrugged. "You know Komack will only give me grief about it if I wait. I promise, I won't take too long. You go get ready for bed, and I'll be there soon."

Carol didn't look like she quite believed him, but with one last kiss to his cheek, she left him alone, headed for the Captain's quarters at the end of the hall.

Jim took one last look at the unobstructed view of the stars surrounding the ship, before he headed for his ready room, intent on sending his report as quickly as possible in order to return to the wonderful woman he was lucky enough to call his girlfriend.

**XXX**

Komack's reply didn't come in until the next day, not surprising since it was relatively late when Jim sent in his report. The response was short and abrasive, as the Admiral ordered Jim to keep the _Enterprise_ in orbit for a week, to observe any signs of life or activity; he also gave an official-sounding reprimand that boiled down to him ordering Jim to hurry up with the plant life reports so that Starfleet could begin to make determinations. Komack didn't seem to care that such experiments would take time, and they had only collected the samples that same day. Komack gave Jim authority to remove any Klingons by force if necessary. It was obvious that the Admiral didn't like hearing about Klingon technology being found on a Federation planet, and he wasn't above further expanding the animosity between them.

Jim wasn't thrilled, but he sent a cordial reply indicating his agreement, before handing the con to Spock and heading to his ready room to contact Chris.

The Admiral picked up almost immediately, as if he had been waiting for just this call. Jim was glad that he was alone, because he really just needed to be able to relax for a moment. Surrounded by his crew, as much as he cared for them and as much as he knew they cared for him, he just couldn't let himself slip. Especially since only a few of them really knew the truth, and Jim was all for keeping that number as low as possible. He liked Jon and Richard, he really did; but he still wasn't completely comfortable with them knowing as much as they did, so he was glad that they weren't around when the screen cleared to show Chris' office.

The young Admiral frowned sympathetically as he took in the slightly bloodshot eyes and the subtle wilt to the Captain's normally straight frame. Small tells that he could only see because he knew the man very well. No one else would be able to detect a difference.

Chris remained silent as Jim gave him a rundown of everything that had happened the day before, stumbling over a few parts, but always managing to find his thread again. Chris hated hearing about Jim having to go through all this, especially since he wasn't there, but he was proud of Jim for keeping it together and getting through the day without any serious issues that would set off any kinds of red flags.

When Jim had finished, Chris updated him on the situation at the Academy. It was slightly alarming, especially when the Admiral told Jim their deductions on Komack's Tarsus assignment. "We don't think he came up with the idea on his own anymore," Chris warned Jim. "I'm not sure who or how or why, but someone planted the idea of sending the _Enterprise_ to Tarsus in his head." On Jim's raised eyebrow, Chris shrugged. "You're not the only one around here who knows how to get around firewalls, kid. He's got those files behind serious protection, but what we've been able to find points to someone telling him about all the reports of activity, and suggesting that the flagship would be the best choice. It could be completely innocent, but I looked at the maps after you called to tell us about this a few days ago. There were two ships closer than you who could have handled this just as easily. There was no need for him to call you guys in unless he had a reason for it."

"Shit," Jim mumbled, rubbing a hand wearily across his face.

Chris winced sympathetically. "We'll get to the bottom of this, Jim. Promise."

"Do you think this means someone knows?" Jim asked worriedly. "If someone wanted the _Enterprise_ there…"

Chris shrugged helplessly. "I don't know," he admitted. "I don't think Komack has any idea, but whoever planted the idea of sending the _Enterprise_? I can't say. We'll keep looking into it, and if we find anything, we'll let you know. In the meantime," he changed topics abruptly, "are you sure you're doing all right?"

Jim let out a long sigh and leaned back in his seat, offering the Admiral a halfhearted smile. "I'm OK," he said simply. Chris looked at him sharply, and he let out a low groan. "OK, so maybe you were right about telling them," he admitted ruefully, pointedly ignoring the Chris' knowing grin. "Doesn't make it much easier."

Chris shrugged, leaning forward in his seat as he rested his arms on the table in front of him. "I never said it would, Jim. Difference is, they know what's going on, so they're not going to be demanding answers that you can't give. They'll also be there to run interference with the rest of the crew, if necessary."

Jim nodded slightly, understanding the benefits. He just didn't like to have to admit that he couldn't always do it alone.

Chris knew Jim well enough to know what was going through his head, but he had had this argument with the kid so many times, he knew more words from him wouldn't change anything.

After a moment of silence, Jim let out another sigh and slouched down in his seat, propping his chin up on one hand while the other traced invisible patterns across the desk. "I really just want this to be over," he admitted quietly.

Chris nodded sympathetically. "I wish I could be there, kid. Day or night, you want to talk, just give me a call, all right?"

Jim inclined his head, and something in the Captain's expression reassured Chris that he would actually do it.

There was a knock on the door, so Jim quickly signed off and called for whoever it was to enter.

Spock wasted no time in stepping inside, the door closing briskly behind him, as the Vulcan set a privacy code to bar any interruptions.

Jim raised an eyebrow interestedly, wondering what his First Officer wanted to discuss.

Spock came to a parade rest in front of the desk, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. "Captain, I apologize for the interruption."

Jim waved him off quickly. "It's fine, Spock. I was about to head back to the Bridge anyway. What can I do for you?"

Spock looked distinctly uncomfortable, an odd expression to see on a Vulcan, and not entirely easy to detect; Jim could only tell because he had spent a good deal of time interacting with the distinguished race, and with this Vulcan in particular, and he knew how to differentiate the various minute tells that indicated their emotions.

"I simply wished to… inquire about your wellbeing, Captain," the Vulcan said stiltedly, seeming uncertain of his words, something Jim had never seen before.

Jim pursed his lips, slightly startled that Spock would choose to seek him out to discuss his feelings, especially while on shift. Reading between the lines, he knew that Spock was simply worried about his friend. It was a nice feeling.

"I'm fine, Spock," he reassured. Spock didn't seem to believe him, and the doubtful expression on the Vulcan's face would have been amusing, if not for the situation. Jim twisted his mouth into a sardonic smirk. "I know what you're thinking, Spock, but you really shouldn't worry so much. It's not good for the health."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I can assure you, Captain, my health is perfectly adequate." He paused uncertainly, out of character for the normally stoic First Officer. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "I understand that this mission is more difficult than you outwardly demonstrate, and though I cannot claim to comprehend your situation or position, I do wish to reiterate my previous claim." When Jim just kept looking at him with an expression that seemed partly amused, partly confused, Spock allowed himself a miniscule sigh. "Jim, you are not alone on this ship. Even if we do not fully understand, your crew cares for you. I have noted their reactions to your presence many times over the course of our mission, beginning with the _Narada_ and throughout each assignment and action we have undertaken up to and including our current task. I confess myself bewildered at times, the way you are able to lead your crew with such ease. I do not believe I have the same capability within me."

"What are you trying to say, Spock?" Jim asked stiltedly, his gaze skittering away to the far wall as his hands clenched subconsciously.

Spock pursed his lips. "Your crew stands behind you, Jim. No matter what happens next, your crew will not let you experience these hardships alone."

Jim let out a small sigh, his shoulder slumping as he leaned against his desk. Rubbing a hand over his face, he forced himself to meet his First Officer's surprisingly easy-to-read concerned gaze. "I know things have gotten kind of crazy, the last couple days," he admitted, shaking his head wearily. "I'm usually more in control. Last night…" he grimaced. "Last night wasn't supposed to get that…"

He seemed unable to finish the sentence, and Spock was more than slightly concerned to see his Captain and friend so different from the normally calm and collected man he had come to so greatly admire over the last few years.

Shaking himself off, Jim took a deep breath and straightened up, stuffing his hands in his pockets to stop the shaking, clenching them tightly in an effort to regain control. He swallowed harshly. "I'll be fine, Spock. Once we put this planet in our rear view mirror, it'll all be fine."

Spock frowned. "Rear view mirror, Captain?"

Jim gave the Vulcan a slight smile. "It's a metaphor. You know. When you see something in the rear view mirror while you're driving; it means to put something behind you."

Spock inclined his head, but didn't say anything else, and after another moment, Jim spoke again, telling his First Officer about Komack's response to his report.

When he finished, Spock nodded again. "I will inform Navigations." He moved to leave, but stopped before opening the door. "Should you find yourself in need of any assistance, Jim, I would like to ensure you understand that I am available."

He was gone before Jim could come up with a response. The Captain settled back against his desk, watching the now closed door, his thoughts a jumbled mess as he tried to untangle the strange conversation he had just had.

He and Spock had served together for years now, and while Jim considered him a friend, he hadn't really thought they were that close. Perhaps he would have to reassess. He was grateful to Spock for keeping his history with Tarsus a secret for the last few years, but they had never really had the close relationship he knew the other alternate Spock had had with his Jim.

Jim had a pretty good idea why that was, when he thought about it. He and Spock had both lived different lives than their alternative reality counterparts. He had met Chekov and Sulu years earlier than he had in the other timeline. Same with Scotty and Uhura. He and Bones had become much closer much earlier than the Jim and Doctor McCoy from the other reality. Perhaps one day, he and his Spock would grow into the same kind of brotherly relationship as the other reality's them. But that would take years of missions, years of living and serving together, getting to know each other's every move.

He and his Spock just weren't there yet. And Jim wasn't quite willing to force it, just because of the life another him had lived. He already had some pretty good honorary brothers in Pavel and Bones. Whatever was supposed to happen with him and Spock, it would happen. Maybe it was already starting to.

Because Spock had definitely showed genuine concern in that conversation. Worry for Jim, and not because he was the Captain, but because Jim was his friend. Because he didn't want Jim to go through this alone.

It was nice, having friends. Having a family. Even if Winona and Sam didn't want anything to do with him, Jim still had a family. He liked that.

Feeling much lighter than he had when he had entered the room, Jim headed back out to the Bridge to finish his shift.


	19. Chapter 19

It was five days into their mandatory seven-day stay in orbit above Tarsus, when Navigations alerted Jim to an incoming ship.

Jim mentally cursed his luck; he had just been starting to think that they might get through this without any further issues.

Forcing those emotions down, he asked Chekov for a readout. "Klingon made, Captain. Scans show that it is an older model, perhaps ten years?" He shook his head slightly, turning in his seat to face Jim.

Jim pursed his lips slightly, considering. "Have they performed any scans?"

Chekov shook his head, glancing back at the console in front of him. "No sir. They've stopped on the other side of the planet. No scans performed. Wait." He typed in a sequence to the computer. "The vessel is now descending through the planet's atmosphere."

"But they don't know we're here," Jim clarified.

Chekov shrugged with one shoulder, turning back to the Captain. "They shouldn't. Without the scans, we're not in the line of sight. We should be invisible to them."

Jim considered for a moment, and then stood up quickly. "Spock, you're with me. Sulu, you have the con." He reached over and opened up a comm. to Security. "Hendorff, Aarons, report to the transporter room."

He headed for the 'lift, Spock following behind, as Sulu took a seat in the Captain's chair.

**XXX**

When they arrived on the planet's surface, it was easy to distinguish the ship from the deserted city surrounding it. It was parked in the center of the city square. When the two Security officers executed a search, they discovered it to be empty.

Jim frowned in thought, his eyes scanning the empty city around them. "This way," he said softly, lifting his phaser slightly to make sure it was charged and set to stun.

He led them towards the palace, his steps quick but quiet. The others followed his lead, which proved to be accurate, as they found two Klingons standing outside the gleaming white building that used to be the Governor's Palace.

They scattered as the Klingons began shooting, diving for cover as they returned fire. It only took a couple of minutes for the Klingons to drop, and Jim quickly led the others towards the Palace entrance, sparing the stunned Klingons only half a glance as they went by.

The entryway was deserted, but they could hear what sounded like muffled voices coming from down the hall.

Moving silently, Jim led them in that direction, his phaser poised to shoot the moment he felt the action was warranted.

There were three Klingons clustered around a table in a room halfway down the hall. None of them appeared to have expected the interruption, as they all jerked and looked up, surprised, at Jim's declaration for them to keep their hands in plain sight, and for the one on the far right to drop the phaser he had been holding loosely at his side.

Without any other recourse, the Klingons obeyed, all of their expressions apprehensive as they observed the group of Starfleet officers in front of them.

Jim frowned minutely, trying to come up with a game plan. None of the Klingons appeared hostile, but they were still violating Federation space, and he wanted to know why.

After a barely noticeable pause, the Captain finally spoke, hoping that by conversing in the Klingons' native tongue, he might be able to keep things as amicable as possible. " _You are in violation of several treaties right now,_ " he commented plainly, his voice steady without giving anything away. He noted the way the Klingons all looked at each other, surprised at his knowledge of their language. He knew his accent was nearly perfect. Hoshi had made damn sure of that. " _You're going to tell me why you're here, and why I shouldn't ship you back to Qo'nos in pieces._ "

The Klingon who appeared to be in charge took a half a step forward, stopping when he noted the way the three companions with the man in the gold shirt appeared to tighten their grips on their weapons. The man in charge – a Captain, if he wasn't mistaken – didn't appear to be phased at all. " _I am K'Temoc, Captain of the vessel_ Jajlo' PetaQ _. My compatriots and I have been tasked with the observation of the Romulan Empire, in light of the recent hostilities._ " He was hoping that using complete honesty might help him get out of this alive, but he didn't hold out much hope. It wasn't like Starfleet pigs ever gave them any courtesies.

Which would explain why he was so surprised when the man actually appeared to be sympathetic. " _My condolences for your loss,_ " Jim said understandingly. He offered up a small smile that conveyed his understanding of why the Klingon was so stunned. " _For both your people and as a military organization._ " Such a defeat would be a huge stain on the Klingons' pride. K'Temoc nodded stoically, still appearing to not quite believe what he was hearing. After a moment, Jim let out a soft sigh. " _Not that I don't trust you, but… well, I don't trust you._ " He grinned slightly, and the Klingon almost found himself smiling as well. " _Can you prove to me that you're not hostile?_ "

The Klingon observed him carefully for a long moment, before turning to look at his companions. On his nod, they all slowly reached for their phasers, holding them out hilt first to the Starfleet officers' surprise.

Jim gestured for Hendorff and Aarons to take them, as the lead Klingon grabbed his attention once more. " _What about my guards outside?_ "

Jim pursed his lips. " _Stunned,_ " he replied. " _They fired first. I assure you, they will wake up soon._ "

The Klingon nodded stoically. " _I apologize for their actions,_ " he said woodenly, to Jim's surprise. Of course, everything about this was surprising to the Captain. He would never have imagined himself holding such a civil conversation with a Klingon before this moment. " _They are used to hostility, and it is their duty to protect me. We do not often receive courtesies from Starfleet._ "

Jim nodded slightly. " _I understand. My own crew can be oddly overprotective of me._ " The Klingon almost found himself smiling at the clear exasperation in the human's tone. Jim shifted slightly, and his piercing gaze caught and held the Klingon's own commanding one. " _That doesn't mean I trust you any more._ "

The Klingon laughed, causing the Starfleet officers – other than Jim – to start, not expecting such a jovial sound to come from a race known for their warlike skills and open hostility. " _I don't think I would respect you at all if you did_ ," he replied with what Jim thought might have actually been a grin on his face.

Jim nodded again, and offered up a smile. "Should we take this outside?" he asked, switching to Standard so that his companions could understand him. He knew that they were probably wondering what the hell was going on.

He also hoped that his suggestion would be taken more as a peace offering to make the Klingons more comfortable and assure them that their two crew members were unharmed, and not because he really needed to get the hell out of this building. He hated being back here; memories were pressing in from all sides, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could go before he started hyperventilating.

The Klingons all nodded readily, and let the Security officers lead them towards the exit. Spock fell into step by Jim's side. When he spoke, his voice barely registered as a whisper, the Vulcan falling quickly from the First Officer's lips. " _Captain, are you certain about this?_ "

Jim glanced at him briefly, offering up a shrug as he turned his gaze back to the hall and the backs of the Klingons a few paces in front of them. " _Certainty blinds you to the obvious,_ " he replied, his voice just as soft. Seeing Spock's confusion and hesitation, Jim shook his head minutely and offered his First Officer what he hoped was a reassuring smile. " _Things are different now, Spock. Starfleet's changed since its formation, and the conception of those treaties that we still abide by – most of the time. And say what you will about the Klingon Empire, but they've changed too. Especially in the last few years, after Nero. We can't keep playing by the same antiquated rules. Sometimes you have to adapt to survive._ "

Spock raised an eyebrow in fascination, but didn't reply as they reached the exit and walked out into the bright sunlight. Even after all these years, every time he thought he had Jim Kirk figured out, the man could still find a way to surprise him. Even more shocking was how much he thought he liked it.

Jim waited patiently while the Klingons checked their downed companions, reassuring themselves that the two officers were still alive.

Once that was done, they clustered in a circle, the Klingons on one side, Starfleet on the other. None seemed quite sure what to do next; it wasn't like this was a situation any of them had ever been in before. Generally speaking, whenever Klingons and Starfleet ended up breathing the same air, they operated under a 'shoot first, ask questions later' policy. None of them were used to being given a second to explain, or think of an alternative to fighting their way out.

After several moments of complete silence, the Klingon in charge took a breath and decided that if the Starfleet Captain could be civil, he could as well. "My name is K'Temoc," he introduced, glancing at the other officers before returning his gaze to the Captain in the gold shirt. He had already told the Captain his name, but he had been able to tell that the others hadn't followed the conversation earlier, leading to the conclusion that this man's ability to speak Klingon was an anomaly. "My companions are Drex and K'mpec. Nu'Daq and Toq are the officers you stunned."

Jim nodded in recognition as each Klingon was introduced. "I am Captain James Kirk, of the _USS Enterprise_." By the way K'Temoc's eyes widened, he knew that even among Klingons, he was known. "This is Commander Spock," he gestured to the Vulcan next to him, "my First Officer. And Lieutenant Hendorff and Ensign Aarons," he nodded at the two Security officers.

Once the introductions were over, the group lapsed into silence once more. Jim wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to be hostile, and there really was no recourse for it. Sure, the Klingons had a long history of attacking Federation-controlled planets, space stations, and ships, but maybe it was time to stop thinking about the past. With the Romulans destroying nearly an entire Klingon Armada, perhaps the Klingons were looking for allies. They hadn't exactly stopped their regular raids and attacks on the border of the Neutral Zone, but Jim had read through enough reports to know that the number of attacks attributed to Klingons had actually gone down in the last few years. It had been compensated for by the Cardassians, Ferengi, and Romulans, but when the reports were analyzed, the Klingons really had been pretty quiet, compared to before Nero's attack.

"What are your intentions towards the Federation?" Jim asked curiously, observing K'Temoc for any nonverbal cues that might give him away.

K'Temoc offered up something that might have been a shrug. "I cannot speak for the Clan leaders," he hedged. "And I will not claim that they are in perfect agreement, but I will admit that some may be debating the merits of contacting the Federation to discuss the possibility of a truce."

"We already have that," Jim commented idly. "Neither side seems very willing to hold up their ends of the bargain. How many deaths can be attributed to conflicts between our two organizations over the years? On both sides."

K'Temoc acknowledged that, though he was surprised to hear that Jim didn't seem to be laying the blame completely on the Klingons. He had said that both sides could share the blame. It was unusual. "Perhaps it is time to change," he replied. "I believe there is a human saying that talks about 'the enemy of my enemy' –"

Jim cut him off, his eyes amused, "is still my enemy, but if we both want it bad enough, maybe we can pretend not to hate each other long enough to work together?"

K'Temoc laughed heartily, while the other Klingons chuckled in amusement.

Jim waited for them to sober slightly, before he sighed, the events of the last few days catching up to him. "The Romulans have been harmful for both of us," he agreed. "And they're not going to stop. It doesn't matter to them that Nero wasn't technically from _their_ Romulan Empire," he knew that the news stories had done a pretty good job of making sure the entire universe knew that secret. The Klingons would already know everything about the crazy Romulan from a future, alternate timeline. "They have their pride, and they can't afford to not hold up against the onslaught of anger from you or us." He took a deep breath. "That being said, I'm not sure if the Federation would be open to negotiation with the Klingon Empire. We are a peacekeeping armada, and you get your honor through battle. I don't know if any accord is possible."

K'Temoc shifted his stance, considering the Captain's words. "We may be willing to negotiate, if the Federation is. Again, I cannot speak for the Clan leaders, but I can see the shift among my people."

Jim bit his lip in thought, before he nodded once. "Like you can't speak for your Clan leaders, I can't speak for the Admiralty or the rest of the Federation. I know how I feel, I know my own personal opinions, but that doesn't necessarily translate to Federation policy." He sighed lightly. "Will you agree to stay here for a while longer? I need to contact my superiors. Something like this, I need official approval for whatever course of action we take."

K'Temoc nodded agreeably. "We will wait."

Jim smiled his thanks and turned to Spock and the two Security officers. "Stay with them. I'll be back soon."

Spock didn't speak, but his nod of acceptance successfully conveyed his uncertainty. Jim chose not to address it as he opened up a comm. to the _Enterprise_ , and vanished in a whirl of lights a moment later.

**XXX**

Jim didn't waste a second on his return to the ship. He practically ran to his quarters, not wanting to go to the Bridge and have people ask him any questions just yet. He didn't know how this would be received, and he didn't want to risk any problems.

It didn't take long to set up a secure channel to Admiral Archer, complete with all kinds of encryptions that would ensure nobody would be able to listen in.

He knew he should be reporting to Komack, but he didn't trust the man. And with this, he knew his orders would be to make sure they left Tarsus, and then probably open fire. Jim wasn't on board with killing them simply because they were Klingons.

It took a few moments for Archer to answer the call, and to his credit, he listened to Jim without interruption, as the Captain laid out the situation as it stood.

When he finished, the Admiral sat back in his seat with a sigh. "You know you should be reporting to Komack," he commented dryly, rubbing a hand across his face.

Jim grimaced. "I wanted an objective opinion," he replied, his voice devoid of emotion, though his reaction to the suggestion was clear in his expression. "You might actually give me orders that don't involve killing anyone. These Klingons aren't hostile, Jon. And I know we can't just trust their word, but I believe K'Temoc when he says that their race might be open to negotiation. Nero hit them hard too."

Jon nodded wearily. "I know, Jim," he assured the younger man. "And I don't want you to kill them either. For one thing, it really doesn't set a good precedent, to attack without provocation." Jim rolled his eyes. Jon almost smiled. "It probably wouldn't be the worst idea to cultivate a contact within the Klingon Empire." He let out a low sound that could almost be called a groan. "And as much as I hate all the subterfuge, it's probably not the best idea to advertise this development. Don't tell Komack. I'll take any heat if your deliberate violation of orders from a direct superior becomes known. I'm glad you came to me, Jim."

Jim nodded slightly, looking down briefly.

Jon shifted in his seat, wondering if he should share some of the information he and Richard had gathered. Finally deciding that this was as secure a connection as any, and Jim did deserve to know, he sighed. "There's been a lot of questionable activity over the last few months," he informed the Captain, causing Jim to look at him, his gaze suddenly alert and wary. "Deaths that might link back to a few Admirals we're keeping an eye on. Disasters attributed to Klingons or Romulans that don't quite add up. Rumors and waves about potential war."

"War with who?" Jim asked intently, his mind working a million miles a second, trying to draw links and conclusions, but he felt like that crucial piece of evidence was just beyond his grasp.

"At this moment, the Romulans," was the weary answer. "Last month it was the Klingons, and next month it could be both." Jon shook himself off and shrugged. "Keep an eye out, let me know if you come across anything questionable, or if you hear anything. You've got sharp eyes and a brilliant mind, Jim. I trust your judgement. In this particular instance, do what you think is best. We'll be in touch."

Jim nodded and signed off, choosing not to focus on the heavy praise Jon had heaped on him. He was always uncomfortable when someone complimented him. Instead, he just called Uhura to his quarters, where the two spent nearly an hour drawing up a general contract, going over wording and phrases so that both sides would be happy.

When they finished, Jim thanked the Communications expert and headed back to the planet. Uhura was confused, but didn't question her superior as she went back to the Bridge. Whatever Jim was working on, she trusted that he knew what he was doing.

Everyone was waiting for Jim when he reappeared next to the Klingons' vessel. The two that had been stunned had woken up, and though they didn't appear to be thrilled with the situation, K'Temoc seemed to have calmed them down, enough that they weren't doing anything more than glaring at the Starfleet officers. And if Jim read the glare right, it was less because they were in close proximity to Starfleet officials, and more because those Starfleet officials had gotten the drop on them.

When Jim reappeared, Spock immediately snapped to attention. Jim gestured for him to stand down, and turned to the Klingons. "I have a temporary treaty here," he held up the PADD in his hands, "that allows you safe passage out of Federation space. At this time, Starfleet is not willing to offer more than that. However, we would like to reserve the right to reassess at a later date."

K'Temoc nodded slowly, understanding what the Captain wasn't saying. Captain Kirk wanted to keep the line of communication open, on the off chance that their two organizations would manage to pull their heads out of their asses and realize how beneficial a true alliance could be, to both of them. "Thank you, Captain Kirk," he said cordially. "I do not forget courtesy, when it is shown to me."

And Jim understood as well. K'Temoc wasn't very high in his Clan – a simple Captain of a small vessel. But he would keep an ear open, and do what he could to pave the way to a less hostile relationship.

They spent some time going over the treaty, making sure the Klingons understood everything that was outlined; it was pretty simple, all things considered. It offered safe passage back to the Neutral Zone. Jim cautioned them to keep out of sight and try not to get caught, but if they were, to surrender immediately and show their captors the treaty, and they shouldn't have an issue.

Jim was hoping it wouldn't come to that. He wasn't sure how anyone else would react to letting Klingons go willingly, and he could catch a lot of heat if someone saw his name on this treaty and contacted Komack.

The dates were clear; the treaty would expire at a set time, so K'Temoc couldn't use this as a get-out-of-jail-free card indefinitely.

All in all, it was more than the Klingons could have expected, so K'Temoc signed it willingly, and Jim followed immediately after. That done, the Klingon tucked the PADD under his arm and nodded stoically. "I thank you again, Captain Kirk, for your hospitality. We are not used to such consideration from Starfleet."

Jim shrugged amicably. "Times change. We all have to adapt if we want to keep up."

K'Temoc leveled an almost confused stare at the young Captain, but didn't comment on the strange turn of phrase. Instead, he found himself shifting his stance slightly. "May I ask why your ship is here? I will admit that we have used this planet a few times as a waystation, but no one has ever been nearby. We knew the planet was deserted and thought it would be a good place to remain anonymous."

Jim grimaced, swallowing harshly as he forced himself to explain about the famine, and the genocide and decimation of the colony that had lived here, in short clipped words that almost successfully masked his discomfort at talking about his own history in such a dispassionate tone. When he finished, all of the Klingons looked distinctly unsettled, learning about the horrible tragedy that had occurred in the very location they were standing. They had noticed old bloodstains, of course, and signs of trouble, but they hadn't really thought about what might have occurred. It seemed amazingly horrible to them, that one puny human was able to do so much damage.

Jim finished his explanation by telling them that signs of life had been reported, and the _Enterprise_ had been tasked to discover what was going on, and at the same time, conduct a survey to determine if life could be sustained on the planet once more. "It's probable that those signs of life that were reported were you and your crew," he informed the Klingon.

K'Temoc almost grimaced, but hid the reaction and pursed his lips. "I am amazed that one human was able to do all this," he admitted.

Jim grit his teeth. "Everyone has the capacity to perform evil. What sets some apart from the rest is that they act on it."

K'Temoc inclined his head but didn't comment, while the other Klingons remained stoic.

Spock leveled a look at his Captain, one that was almost disquieted, for a Vulcan. The two Security officers, though obviously confused, didn't allow their bewilderment to show.

After one last farewell, the Klingons returned to their ship, as the Starfleet officers stepped back, allowing them room to take off.

They watched as the ship rose into the sky, before Jim pulled out his communicator and called for the _Enterprise_ to beam them back up.

Once back on the Bridge, Jim sat in his chair as he asked Chekov for an update.

The Navigator typed briefly on the touch screen in front of him. "The ship has made the jump to warp, Captain," he reported. "Their trajectory indicates a return to the Neutral Zone in approximately one week."

Jim nodded slightly. "Good." He almost let out a weary sigh, but held himself together; he was still on duty, and couldn't let himself show weakness right now. "I guess we're done here. Spock, how are we looking on those plant life reports?"

Spock spent a few seconds studying the information on the screen at his station, before he returned his attention to his Captain. "The reports should be ready by the beginning of Alpha shift tomorrow, sir."

Jim nodded again. "Preliminary reports?"

Spock inclined his head. "Ready for viewing at your discretion."

Jim glanced towards the large viewing screen in front of him. The view of Tarsus from this distance could almost be called beautiful. At this height, you couldn't see the bloodstains, the burnt out husks of buildings that had been lost to the madness of the massacre. "Send me the information. Hopefully that'll satisfy Komack until tomorrow. Sulu, let's get the hell out of here."

Sulu nodded quickly. "Any requests?" he asked curiously.

Jim shrugged, standing up and heading for his Ready Room. "Surprise me."

Once in his Ready Room, he quickly read over the preliminary reports before sending them to Komack, hoping that the Admiral would heed the botanists' conclusions. According to the information they had now, it would be too much time, effort, and money to try and revitalize the planet. There were still traces of the fungus in the soil.

Once that act was done, Jim sat back in his chair, slumping down as he buried his face in one hand. God damn it, he needed to get himself together. If he kept acting like this, everyone would know something was wrong. And it wasn't. It couldn't be. He was fine. It was over, done, he had moved on.

Yeah, he couldn't even convince himself, he wouldn't blame anyone else for not believing him either.

After a few more minutes of stubbornly gathering every turbulent emotion and putting it back into the dark corner of his mind that he had labeled 'off limits', he shook himself off and made his way back to the Bridge.

**XXX**

Over the next few days, the command crew tried to talk to Jim, to let him know in their own ways that they were worried about him, that they cared for him. But Jim was uncannily adept at becoming invisible when not on shift. He and Carol had a habit of disappearing from view the moment Alpha shift ended. The few times one of his friends managed to actually get him alone to talk, he smoothly evaded all questions and beat a hasty retreat the moment it could be done without making it look like he was obviously running away.

He didn't want to remember. Sure, he appreciated their silent support while they had been docked at Tarsus, but he didn't want to think about his past. It wasn't pretty, and he had had enough nightmares for this lifetime.

A few days after their departure from Tarsus, Jim was attempting to finish reviewing reports while also hiding from his crew's not-so-subtle worried looks, when the stationary comm. in his living quarters beeped, informing him of an incoming call.

He frowned and set his PADD down on the sofa, getting up to see who wanted to talk to him, hoping it wasn't a ship related issue. Usually if that was the case, he would get the call on his mobile communicator.

He was startled to see Tom's face staring back at him, the scientist's brow drawn into a tense line.

"Tom?" Jim asked, confused. "What's going on? Are you all right?"

Tom nodded quickly, attempting to smile. "Kevin called me," he admitted ruefully, and observed carefully as Jim's face immediately smoothed out in an effort to promote an image of composure. "He's worried," Tom continued, not buying the act for one second.

Jim shrugged, looking down. "Everything's fine. It wasn't exactly a fun mission, but it's over."

"Jim…" Tom considered stopping, seeing the brief flash of agony make its way across his friend's face before it steadied once more. But Jim wasn't all right, and Kevin had called him for a reason; he was the one who managed to get Jim to open up and actually talk about his issues. Most of the others would capitulate if Jim shut them down, and wouldn't press. Most of the time, Jim was able to get out of his head himself, and didn't need any help. It was the other times that they needed to worry about. Sometimes, stepping back and letting Jim do things his own way didn't work. Sometimes, he needed someone to handle him; to keep pressing until it hurts, get it all out there, and then figure out how to fix it. Tom was one of the few in Jim's life who understood that, and he knew how to work with it. Besides, Jim was always there for his friends, consistently being that shoulder to lean on, offering a friendly ear and a word of advice whenever they needed it. The least Tom could do was be there for him.

"I know you can handle it," Tom assured, his expression serious but understanding. "No one is doubting that. But what happened on that planet was bad. Really bad. It's OK to be a little shaken up." He bit his lip. "Kevin said you told your command crew." He observed as Jim tensed slightly. "I think it's great that you trusted your friends with this. But doesn't that also involve letting them help?"

Jim shook his head slightly. "I don't need help," he said stubbornly.

Tom raised an eyebrow. "How much sleep have you gotten in the last few days?" he asked rhetorically. Even if Jim was doing a good job of hiding it, he could see the bags under the Captain's eyes. He could see the slight wilt to Jim's shoulders. And he knew his friend.

Jim's lack of response only confirmed his suspicions.

Tom sighed, knowing that he couldn't exactly do anything from light years away, so he just set the issue aside, and moved the conversation to other, more lighthearted topics.

They talked about Tom's research, his potential dating prospects, and the recent visit he had made to Earth. He had seen Cory while on the planet, and informed Jim of the new girl in his cousin's life – apparently someone he had met while studying for his PhD, and they were starting to get serious.

Jim was happy for his cousin, who had told him about the new girlfriend the last time they had talked, though it hadn't been anything serious at the time, and he had promised to give his new girl the official older brother treatment the next time he was back on Earth. Tom shook his head amusedly at the sentiment, and moved the conversation towards Carol, and Jim's own relationship.

The conversation lasted for the rest of the evening, and it was getting pretty late by the time they said their goodbyes and signed off. Oddly enough, Jim actually felt a little better as he got ready for bed, wishing Carol wasn't working Gamma tonight. He actually thought that talk with Tom might have helped.

At least until he jerked awake two hours later, a dying scream on his lips as he panted, his eyes darting wildly around the room as he struggled to get his bearings.

With an aborted growl, he managed to calm his breathing, and pushed himself up, making for his replicator. Another sleepless night spent with coffee and reports then. Oh joy.


	20. Chapter 20

Carol finally managed to corner Jim a week after they left Tarsus, and the only reason she was really successful was because he was in bed and she had strategically taken the side of the bed furthest away from the wall. Meaning, if Jim wanted to get up, he'd have to climb over her, and she refused to let him.

She had spent the last ten minutes watching him toss and turn, trying to get him to wake up, to no avail. She had been pulled from slumber by his movements, waking to find him in the grips of a horrible nightmare. She knew this wasn't the first one he had had in the last week, but he was usually better about waking himself up and leaving the room before she managed to catch him.

After several more minutes, Jim inhaled sharply and sat up abruptly. Carol made sure to keep a few inches of space between them, allowing him to collect himself without interference. She had learned the hard way that trying to wake him up by touching him was not a good idea. She had been very fortunate to escape a black eye after that attempt, her fast reflexes saving her from having to explain anything to McCoy.

She could tell when Jim realized that it had just been a dream by the way his shoulders slumped slightly, and he let out a soft sigh.

"Jim," she said softly, drawing his attention down to her.

Jim flinched minutely. "Did I wake you up?" he asked guiltily.

Carol sighed, sitting up. "That's every night this week," she commented idly, one hand picking at a loose thread on the blanket covering both of them.

Jim shrugged. "I'm fine, Carol," he protested weakly. "I've dealt with it, you don't have to worry."

"I always worry about you," Carol shot back, leveling a soft glare in his direction. "But you're not fine. If you were, it wouldn't be affecting you this much."

Jim tried to protest again, but under Carol's stern gaze, he finally slumped down, leaning back against the wall exhausted. He really hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night since they had gotten the mission from Komack.

Carol reached out hesitantly and rested a hand lightly on his shoulder, before snuggling into his side comfortingly. "Please talk to me, Jim. I want to help, however you need. But you do need to get it out or you'll never be able to truly let go. I have no idea what I'm doing, Jim. I can't understand what you've been through, and I don't know what you need. Please, let me in. Let me hold you up, just this once. You're always so strong, always helping everyone around you; always the rock, the shoulder, whatever your crew needs you to be. Just this once, please let me be that for you."

Jim swallowed harshly against the threat of tears that was building in his eyes. His gaze stayed fixed on a spot on the far wall, but the tension in his shoulders eased, if only slightly. "I wish I could just say I hated it there," he admitted softly, one hand clenching into a tight fist. "I wish I could say it was horrible, because then I could just deliver a fuck you and move on. But I can't." His eyes slipped closed, and he slumped even further back against the wall. "Because I didn't hate it. I loved it," he murmured, his voice defeated. "It was the first place I ever felt like I might be able to call home. The first place I had something I thought could have been a family. And then it was just… gone."

Carol winced helplessly. She felt horrible; of course she knew that he had had a pretty crappy childhood – Jim hadn't exactly talked about it, but he had parted with small, seemingly inconsequential comments here and there, about his mother and brother, his stepfather. A few throwaway remarks she was almost sure were designed to test her reaction to the news that he had lived in an abusive home. She was always careful to not show any of her surprise or horror whenever he said anything, because she wanted him to keep telling her. She wanted him to tell her everything, whenever he was ready. She was pretty sure she had a good picture of his childhood anyway, but she wanted him to trust her enough to tell her himself. And he would, when he felt comfortable. When he felt ready.

"I wish I knew the right thing to say," was all she could think of in response to his words.

Jim let out a slightly hysterical snort. "If you ever figure out what that is, please let me know. I can still see Lisa's eyes, pleading with me to save her as Kodos choked her to death. I can't sleep without hearing her screams as those bastards raped her."

Carol was crying openly now; she recognized the name as one of the kids Jim had led on that planet, and she remembered Kevin saying that it was his fault she was dead. Clearly, Jim also blamed himself.

Jim sniffed weakly, talking more to himself now, though he was still aware of Carol's presence next to him. "I still play it in my head, wondering what decisions I could have made that would have saved her life; I wonder what I could have done to save all of them, but her especially. She was my cousin, I should have been able to save her. There are days when I can't even look Cory in the eye, because I'm afraid I'll see the anger, how much I failed him. I was supposed to keep them both safe, I promised their father."

Carol winced; she remembered Jim telling them that one of his cousins had been named Cory, but he hadn't said anything about the other. She hadn't realized that the little girl Kevin felt guilty over leading away from the safety of the cave, and the second cousin Jim had praised as being so happy to have him join their family were one in the same. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

Jim shrugged, not meeting her concerned gaze. "If I'd just been quicker, smarter, Lisa would still be alive, Anya would still be alive. I should have figured out about the jamming signal earlier. How many more people could I have saved, if I had just figured it out earlier?"

Carol tightened her grip around his waist, pulling him out of his thoughts. "You weren't responsible for saving an entire colony, Jim. You were just a kid. That was Kodos' job, and he failed. You did the best you could with the resources you had."

Jim let a small gasp escape before he pressed his lips together tightly. Carol just continued to hold on, providing what little support she could, as she rested her face against his upper arm.

After another few moments of silence, Jim seemed to lose the battle, and several tears started leaking from his eyes, leaving wet tracks as they trailed down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and ducked his head in embarrassment, but Carol wouldn't let him feel bad for showing emotion. She held on relentlessly, as Jim continued to cry.

Many long minutes of silence later, and Jim was nearly asleep, worn out from the last couple of weeks. He put up no protest as Carol maneuvered him down to a horizontal position, never once letting go. "Just relax, Jim," she whispered encouragingly. "Sleep. Your body needs it."

"Don't want to see it again," Jim muttered under his breath, his eyes attempting to stay open, but slipping closed against his will.

Carol's heart lurched painfully as she thought about how he had spent every night for the last two weeks despairingly revisiting that planet and every horrible moment he had suffered while on it. "I'll be here, Jim," she promised. "If you have a nightmare, if you need anything, I'm here." Jim still seemed reluctant, so Carol bit her lip and hesitantly offered, "I'm sure if you asked, Doctor McCoy would bring you a sedative."

Jim shook his head quickly, his eyes forcing themselves open. "No sedatives," he refused. His gaze lowered slightly. "Can't wake up." His voice was slurring slightly with exhaustion.

But Carol understood, and nodded her agreement. Jim didn't like taking any kind of medication, and she could appreciate his unwillingness to take a sedative that might make it impossible for him to wake up if the nightmare got bad. "All right, Jim," she soothed. "Just get some rest. I'll be here."

The tension seemed to bleed completely from Jim's body, and under his girlfriend's watchful gaze, he allowed the blackness to pull him under.

Carol stayed up for the rest of the night, watching, crying for the boy Jim never had a chance to be.

**XXX**

Carol wouldn't let Jim feel embarrassed when he woke up the next morning, dried tear tracks still staining his cheeks. She pressed a gentle kiss to his temple and promised him that he wasn't weak, before they vacated the bed to prepare for their shift.

The rest of the command crew was incredibly relieved to see Jim looking more rested when the couple arrived on the Bridge an hour later. They had all been worried, watching but unable to help, as Jim seemed to withdraw into himself over the last week, unresponsive to any offers of assistance, whether it was explicitly or implicitly given.

**XXX**

And so things settled back into some semblance of normal. The _Enterprise_ drifted through space, spending a few days monitoring a star here, mapping a system there. They had no direction, no mission, and everyone enjoyed the relaxed air.

It was nearing seven months after their departure from Tarsus when a new directive came in. Jim shared the mission with the crew as Sulu and Chekov laid in the course and jumped to warp.

Nibiru was a newly discovered planet located in the Beta Quadrant. Not much was known, including whether or not there was actually any intelligent life on it, so Komack dispatched the flagship to check it out.

They arrived in orbit above the planet a week later, and immediately got to work. According to their scans, there were signs of life on the surface. Humanoid in shape, but there was no indication that they were anywhere close to achieving warp capability, which meant making contact was against the Prime Directive.

Jim compiled the report and sent it to headquarters, hoping that there would be no need to stick around for long. A team had already gone down to collect soil and plant samples, remaining in an unoccupied quadrant of the planet to avoid detection.

They were still waiting for a reply from Komack when Spock drew Jim's thoughts from wondering just how long the Admiral would keep them waiting before he declared this mission over. "Captain, I am picking up a distressing influx of volcanic activity from the planet."

Jim pursed his lips, standing up and making his way to the Science Station. Spock willingly shifted to the side so that Jim could read the monitor over his shoulder. "Specifics?" the Captain asked curiously.

Spock touched a few buttons and shifted the images to the bottom of the screen, pulling up the report that was concerning. "If this information is interpreted correctly, the volcano will undergo a complete eruption within the next two point eight days. The resulting destruction will likely be absolute."

"Meaning the indigenous species would in all likelihood be wiped out," Jim confirmed.

Spock inclined his head. "I believe that would be the case, Captain."

"And we can't warn them because we can't violate the Prime Directive."

Again, Spock nodded. "To initiate contact would involve deliberately violating four Starfleet regulations, the penalties for which would –"

"I get it, Spock," Jim cut him off, straightening and glancing around the Bridge. "Is there any way to stop the eruption?"

Spock tilted his head to one side, considering. "I believe a device could be created to halt the process; however, it would need to be deposited at the source of the eruption, which would involve –"

Again, Jim cut him off, this time with a wave of his hand as he quickly turned to the armrest of his chair, opening a comm. to Engineering. "Scotty, can you join us on the Bridge?"

The request was phrased more like a question, but no one could ignore the command in his voice as he spoke to his Chief Engineer. Not even Scotty, who promised to be there in a few minutes.

When the man arrived, Jim drew him and Spock into his Ready Room, before bringing the Engineer up to speed.

Scotty nodded enthusiastically as Jim asked if he could do what they were thinking. "Aye, I think I could design something," he said, grinning. "It would probably take a day or two, but it should do the trick. All you'd have to do is drop it in the volcano and activate it, and it would freeze the magma before it has a chance to get too worked up, stopping the eruption in its tracks."

Jim inclined his head gratefully. "Get to work then, Mr. Scott," he said, a small smile on his face as he observed the man's obvious eagerness. "Let us know when it's done, and the quicker the better."

Scotty nodded again and headed back for the Engineering deck, while Jim and Spock returned to their places on the Bridge.

"Captain, may I inquire as to how you plan to deposit this device?" Spock asked curiously, trying to work his way to understanding what he was certain was a complete plan already formed in the man's mind.

Jim glanced over at him. "What do your scans say about getting to the surface?" he asked.

Spock nearly pursed his lips in confusion at the lack of answer to his rather necessary question. After all, it was one thing to have a device to stop the volcano, but that meant nothing unless they also had a way to get it in the volcano. But he had worked with Jim long enough to know that every question the man asked was voiced for a reason, and generally vital to the overall mission. Despite his own confusion, the threads always connected in the enigmatic man's mind. "The atmosphere makes it impossible to beam down, sir," he said formally, not showing his puzzlement. "A shuttle would be the only option."

"Could one slip in undetected?" Jim wondered. "If that volcano's going to erupt in a couple of days, there's got to be a lot of smoke and ash polluting the air."

Spock nodded slightly. "I believe a shuttle could descend without detection." He glanced at Jim and took note of the slight gleam in the man's eyes. "If I might say so, Captain, I believe I should be concerned for the course of action you have planned."

Jim let out a small snort. "There's no reward without a little risk. We are talking about the decimation of an entire species here, Spock. If we don't at least try, we'll regret it."

Spock inclined his head austerely. "Indeed. A shuttle could likely hide in the smoke as it descends, but an attempt should be made to evacuate the indigenous peoples from the location."

Jim bit his lip. "We'll handle that. Sulu, can you fly a shuttle in a volcano?"

The pilot turned in his seat, facing his Captain head on. "Maybe for a little while," he replied, thinking of the logistics. "The smoke, ash, and heat would fry the controls before too long, though. I wouldn't be able to guarantee more than twenty minutes, if that."

Jim nodded slowly. "You'll take Spock in, then. We'll get you your twenty minutes, so make it count."

Sulu gulped nervously, but nodded and turned back to his station.

**XXX**

It was nearly a full day later that Scotty informed Jim of the device's completion. He met the away team in the shuttle bay – Jim, Spock, Uhura, and Sulu came together from the Bridge, and McCoy joined them from Medbay, muttering disparaging comments about their mission under his breath.

Jim ignored him, well used to the doctor's irascible temperament by now. He did make an effort to hide his smile of amusement, as he took the metal case the Engineer offered him. "Thanks, Scotty," he said gratefully.

Scotty nodded, his expression a mixture of excitement about creating something new, and concern for the away team. "You know we can't beam you back if anything goes wrong," he warned. "I've been trying to work on an algorithm to account for the fluctuations, but the atmosphere down there just isn't cooperating. So be careful, yeah?"

Jim inclined his head slightly. "We'll be fine." He glanced over at Spock, handing over the metal case. "Bones and I will draw the locals away while you guys take care of the volcano."

Spock nodded austerely, and the group separated to two different shuttles. Jim wasn't a certified pilot by any means, but he knew how to operate a basic shuttle.

Sulu paused as Spock and Uhura made their way onto the shuttle. Looking at his Captain, he was comforted by the smile the other man was wearing. "You'll be fine," Jim assured.

Sulu swallowed and nodded, feeling a little better, before he made his way onto the shuttle. Jim was really great at making people feel confident in their abilities, just by showing them that _he_ had confidence in their abilities.

Jim and McCoy quickly got on their own shuttle, and shortly after, the two groups left the _Enterprise_ , making for the planet's surface.

The shuttles used the smoke from the volcano for camouflage. Jim separated quickly, heading for the far side of the volcano, while Sulu continued to guide their shuttle down.

McCoy was out of his seat and wrapping a large robe around himself as he quickly made his way off the shuttle the moment it touched down.

Jim followed, shaking his head in amusement, as he wrapped a robe around his body as well, pulling up the hood so that it would cover his face. He knew how to fly a shuttle, for Christ's sake; McCoy didn't need to be so skittish.

McCoy glared at him as if he knew what the Captain was thinking, as the two made their way carefully towards where a scan of the surface had indicated a large portion of warm bodies was located.

The group of indigenous peoples were bowing around what appeared to be a large scroll, entirely too close to the volcano which was already spewing smoke and ash; the air was thick and clogged, making breathing a challenge. Jim wondered if maybe they were perhaps praying for some god to stop the volcano, before deciding that whatever it was, it didn't change their plan, so he put it out of his mind as they crept forwards. They were on the clock, and needed to get moving.

"So how do we do this?" McCoy asked quietly, glancing at Jim for instructions.

Jim shrugged with one shoulder. "I'm making this up as I go," he replied, his voice just as soft. Before McCoy could say anything else, the Captain ran forwards, grabbed the scroll from the branch it had been hanging on, and took off running.

With a grumble of displeasure, McCoy was left with no choice but to follow. Behind him, he could hear the entire group of indigenous peoples chasing after them, and he ran faster.

McCoy had no idea where Jim was going, but he followed dutifully, as they ended up at a cliff's edge. "You planning on jumping?" the doctor asked irritably, huffing with exertion.

Jim shook his head, hung the scroll from a low branch on a tree by the cliff, and then took off again, grabbing McCoy's arm to get him to follow. The sounds from the group chasing them tapered off, and both officers knew that they had stopped at the scroll. Jim led them in a large circle, heading back to where they had left the shuttle.

**XXX**

Sulu carefully lowered the shuttle down, as much as he dared, while Uhura helped Spock into a heatproof suit, attaching the cable and watching as he descended slowly.

The shuttle rocked slightly, and Sulu gripped the controls tightly. "Let's get a move on," he said grimly. "Our window's shrinking rapidly."

Over the comm., he heard Jim's voice reassuring him. "We got the locals clear. You guys just finish up and we'll see you back on the ship."

Sulu was about to reply, when a splash of magma came dangerously close to hitting them, and he had to jerk the shuttle harshly to the right. There was a loud snapping sound, and on Uhura's gasp, the pilot let out a muttered curse. "Crap. Please tell me it wasn't a complete separation."

Uhura shook her head, slipping back into the seat next to Sulu. "Spock, are you all right?"

The Vulcan's voice filtered through the comm. a moment later, sounding almost bewildered. "I am, surprisingly, unhurt."

Sulu let out a small sigh of relief for minor miracles. "Jim, we've got a problem. The cable broke, we can't get Spock back. And I can't keep this shuttle down here much longer. If we don't leave within the next couple minutes, the controls will be completely fried."

Spock inserted himself into the conversation. "Lieutenant Sulu, remove yourself and Lieutenant Uhura from the volcano. I will set the device."

Uhura shook her head angrily. "Don't you dare, Spock. We're not leaving without you."

On the other shuttle, Jim and McCoy looked at each other. It only took half a second for Jim to switch the controls over to the co-pilot seat. "Bones, take over. Sulu, get out before it's too late."

Uhura glared at the controls, as if she could reach through the communicator to show the Captain her displeasure. "I'm not leaving without Spock."

Jim didn't sound like he would tolerate any disobedience as he responded, "That's an order, Lieutenant. _Get out_."

Sulu sighed, and with an apologetic half-glance at the Communications officer next to him, he began to raise the shuttle up and out of the volcano.

Jim didn't wait to make sure McCoy knew what he was doing with the shuttle, as he pulled out a PADD and immediately started typing furiously. The doctor's knuckles were white as he gripped the controls, operating the shuttle with poorly hidden terror. He had had to take an introductory flying class at the Academy – one of the basic requirements for graduation – so he knew the mechanics, but he really hated putting it to practice.

In other circumstances, Jim might have enjoyed his friend's discomfort, but he was too busy right now. "Scotty, do you have a way to beam Spock out?" he asked, his fingers never halting their dance over the touchscreen in his hands.

The Engineer sounded apologetic as he replied, wishing he had better news. "With a line of site, maybe, but there's no time to get the _Enterprise_ low enough."

Spock's voice cut in at that moment. "Captain, if we reveal the ship, the Prime Directive will be violated. I have set the device, it will activate in fifty-four point two seconds."

Jim nodded, even though neither of the two men could see him.

McCoy glanced over briefly, before returning his attention to the completely empty space around him, as if afraid he might hit something if he took his gaze off the inky blackness in front of him for even a second. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked gruffly.

Jim allowed himself a small smile as he managed to find the hole he was looking for. "Just fly the shuttle, Bones," he said, his smile widening as he got through. "Got it. Scotty, try beaming him up now."

He set the PADD down and took the controls back from McCoy just in time to guide them into the shuttle bay entrance. He really hoped it worked. He had managed to boost the transporter's capability using a variation of a formula that could potentially compensate for the atmosphere's influence, but there was no way to know if he had gotten it right, and no time to test it before putting it into practice. It was what Scotty had been trying to do before they had gone down, but the Engineer hadn't been able to figure it out in time. However, Scotty wasn't specifically a computer specialist, and he didn't know the _Enterprise_ as well as Jim did.

Sulu and Uhura maneuvered through the open shuttle bay doors right behind them, and together, the four ran down to the transporter room as quickly as they could.

Spock was standing there, still in his heatproof suit, looking as surprised as it was possible for a Vulcan to look. Scotty was at the controls, looking incredibly excited. "How'd you manage to do that?" he asked, as soon as he noticed the Captain.

Jim returned the Engineer's grin, his own excitement easy to read in his eyes. Relief was there as well, happy to see Spock alive and well on the platform.

McCoy scowled at his friend. "Did you seriously just hack the _Enterprise_ 's mainframe from a PADD?"

Jim glanced over at him. "I'm impressed you actually know how to use technical jargon," he said teasingly. "It wasn't that hard."

Spock furrowed his brow, letting Uhura help him remove the heatproof suit as he stepped off the transporter pad. "Is there a security issue with the _Enterprise_ 's computer system, Captain? Should we address this with the Admiralty?"

Jim shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Trust me, Spock, no one else knows it's there. Nobody knows this ship better than I do. Physically or technically."

Spock nodded in understanding, though it still concerned him that it was possible to get through the multiple security protocols in place designed specifically to stop such a thing from occurring. But Jim had been an integral member of the team that had designed the _Enterprise_ , so it was not outside the realm of possibility that such intimate detail of the ship had given him knowledge of how to circumnavigate the security walls and get through the system.

"I thank you, then, Captain, for your action. You saved my life."

Jim shrugged, suddenly embarrassed. "It's my job to protect my crew, right?"

Spock almost frowned – again, Jim was deflecting gratitude and appreciation. Why did the man insist on not seeing his own worth? But he didn't comment further.

Uhura, from her place next to Spock, nodded along with her boyfriend's words. "Thanks, Jim. And I'm sorry for arguing, back there."

Jim shook his head. "It's fine. I know you were worried." He glanced at the others. "Why don't we all get back to our posts, and get the hell out of here. I'd say this mission has been completed." They all nodded and separated to return to their respective domains. McCoy headed back to Medbay, and Scotty to the Engineering deck. Jim let Sulu and Spock walk ahead of him, lightly touching Uhura's shoulder to get her to drop back and walk with him. His expression turned serious as he looked at her. He knew he needed to say something about her disobedience, but he didn't want her to have to have an audience for it. "Understanding aside, you need to remember that while you are on shift, you are an officer first, and a girlfriend second."

His gaze was sympathetic but firm. Uhura met it head on, recognizing the rebuke and feeling grateful that he was doing so in such a gentle way. "I get it, Nyota. The thought of something happening to Carol terrifies me. But while we're on duty, our responsibility has to be the mission first. My goal is always to make sure everyone gets out alive, and I need to know that my crew will listen to orders, because I don't have time to argue with them. You know as well as I do that even a few seconds can make a world of difference, when lives are on the line and people are in trouble."

Nyota nodded, shamefaced. "I'm sorry, Jim. I know you're always trying to get everyone out safely. I should have known you were already working on it."

Jim smiled slightly. "Fear can make us go against our better judgement sometimes. So let's just put it behind us and try to learn from the experience."

Nyota nodded again, once more marveling at the amazing leader she was privileged to call her Captain and friend. Any other Captain wouldn't have cared about calling her out in public, or giving her a written reprimand that would go in her official file, and might actually have further consequences. Any other Captain wouldn't have taken the time to assure her that her disobedience was understood, even if it was wrong. But Jim managed to somehow combine the rebuke with a calm assurance that he didn't hold her actions against her, and that the situation would go no further than this conversation.

With a smile, she slipped into her seat on the Bridge, and got back to work.


	21. Chapter 21

Roughly four years after their last visit, five years after the start of their mission, the _Enterprise_ returned to Earth.

Everyone was incredibly excited to get the chance to relax and spend some time with their families, before they returned to space and another five years. Jim hadn't received a single request to retire or transfer, so the crew would be full of old faces when they shipped back out in two months. And this time, Jim had gotten promises from the Admirals that they wouldn't have to commit themselves to any duties while on Earth. This shore leave was a vacation, and he didn't want to have to worry about classes, or tests, or anything to do with the Academy. He'd be busy enough making sure everything was ready for their next five-year mission, but he wanted his command crew to be able to actually enjoy their shore leave this time.

The crew scattered almost immediately upon their return, everyone planning visits to various family members or friends scattered across the globe and nearby planets.

Sulu was staying in San Francisco, because his parents still lived in the city, but Uhura was meeting up with her sisters in Uganda, where they were currently vacationing with their significant others. Scotty had even willingly left the ship, after being forced by Jim to take at least five days off before he came back to lead the team that would be working to install the upgrades. His order was only successful because Jim himself would still be around and able to make sure no mistakes were made. So the Engineer reluctantly agreed to go back to Scotland to visit his brother.

McCoy took Joanna and April on a short trip to Georgia to visit his mother, before April had to return to the Academy to sit all the tests she needed to pass in order to finally be a full-fledged Starfleet officer. She'd spend most of the first month completing those tests, but she was glad to finally be done with it.

Chekov let Sulu convince him to tag along and stay with his family for a few days. It hurt the young Navigator, to not make the trip over to Russia, but he hadn't managed to have a single conversation with his father that hadn't ended in a yelling match at any point in the last four years. He had tried. He had called his parents a few times when their location in space had allowed for ship to Earth communication for those outside of anybody located at Starfleet Headquarters or a Starfleet base. But no matter how understanding and supportive his mother tried to be, it couldn't make up for his father's utter lack of ability to be civil. Why couldn't he understand that Pavel wanted to live his own life? If he had been so against it, why on Earth had he even given his approval to let Pavel study at the Academy in the first place?

Kevin headed out to Sacramento for a couple of days, to see his aunt. His uncle had never understood his desire to join Starfleet, and they hadn't talked much since Kevin had left, but his aunt had invited him, the last time they had spoken, so Kevin thought he owed it to her to try and make peace with her husband.

Gaila was sticking around for a while, on Scotty's request most likely. While the Chief Engineer trusted Jim to take care of their ship, Gaila had quickly worked her way up to second in command of the Engineering deck, and if Scotty couldn't be there to oversee the upgrades, he wanted someone who had more free time to actually watch over the team who would be working on the ship. Jim would be around, but unlike the Captain, Gaila didn't have other duties to attend to while also trying to oversee the many upgrades scheduled. Jim understood Scotty's desire to have someone trustworthy on board, and promised the Orion that once their Engineer returned, she would be free to take her shore leave. Gaila was very understanding, and happy to provide a watchful eye to the crew working on their ship.

Jim and the command crew were the last to depart, and they all said their goodbyes before most of them left, while the Captain and Spock headed towards the administrative buildings in silence. They would spend the rest of the day being debriefed on their mission, after which Spock was planning to take a transport headed for New Vulcan, to visit with his father for a month, before coming back to spend the last month of their shore leave assisting Jim in preparations for when they would depart on their next five-year mission.

The debrief went… well, it went. Komack was an ass, and he felt the need to call attention to every minor infraction he felt Jim and the crew had committed over the last five years. He was particularly sore about Jim contacting Archer for any advice, not that he was aware of anything the other Admiral had told the Captain – both men were stubbornly silent on everything they discussed, but Jim didn't want him to know that Archer had pretty much told him to do the exact opposite when it came to dealing with those Klingons they had met on Tarsus.

Komack also had a few choice words to say over Jim's command decisions on Nibiru. Apparently, he was supposed to just 'let nature run its course'. Never mind they had saved an entire race from utter decimation, _without_ straight up violating the Prime Directive.

Jim took it all in stride, biting his tongue to keep from returning a few of the jibes, knowing that it wouldn't help anything. He didn't need to make things worse for himself, or Jon, Richard, and Chris. They were working on a plan. He just wished it wasn't taking so long.

Finally, Komack released them, and Jim said his farewells to Spock. They separated in the lobby of Cochrane Hall as the Vulcan headed for the shuttle hangar and Jim went in search of Chris, leaving his First Officer with the assurance that he would call if he needed anything, and taking the same promise in return.

Chris was with Jon and Richard in Jon's office when Jim found him, and the three Admirals were quick to invite him to join them, offering up smiles and hugs and comments of how glad they were to see him again. It had been four years, after all, since the last time they had all been in the same room.

Jon immediately waved off any of Komack's reprimands with praise for the actions Jim had taken, both on Nibiru and at many other points over the last five years. "Honestly, Jim, Komack just wants to assert dominance, but you're not going to get any grief for Nibiru. It was really impressive, I have to say, the way you were able to reprogram the transporter."

Jim looked down, embarrassed. He hadn't realized Spock had included that in his report. His own report had been bare details, just stating that they had managed to retrieve Spock from the volcano and had halted the eruption with no loss of life.

Jon shrugged. "Komack's just upset because you're doing well and the universe loves you. I think he wanted you to fall flat on your face once you were given command officially. So the best he can do now is resort to taking you to task for every instance where you used innovation and toed the line, even though your actions were successful and you never outright broke a single rule."

Jim smirked slightly. "Don't worry so much about my constitution, Jon. I've got thick skin, and Komack's an ass. I know better than to take anything he says seriously."

Jon smiled. "Good. And just to let you know, you're going to get a commendation for your actions at Nibiru. Komack aside, the rest of us were suitably impressed."

Jim jerked one shoulder in a facsimile of a shrug, but his expression showed his gratitude.

Jon sighed lightly. "You should get out of here, Jim. Go enjoy your shore leave. Have fun, don't work too hard, and for God's sake, try and actually relax for once."

Jim rolled his eyes, knowing that Jon wasn't upset, just worried that he was running himself ragged by doing too much all at once.

Chris stood up, cuffing Jon lightly on the shoulder as he gestured for Jim to join him. "I like that request. Come on kid, the bar's calling your name, and I'm buying."

Jim immediately joined him, a grin on his face as he replied, "You know, all of a sudden, I'm feeling very thirsty. And you already offered, old man. No take backs!" They disappeared into the hall, but Jon and Richard heard Jim say in an amused tone, "Are you at least going to let me change first?"

The door closed before they could hear Chris' reply.

**XXX**

It was nearly an hour later that saw Chris and Jim sitting next to each other at the bar, both changed out of their uniforms, each with a half-drunk beer in front of him.

The evening passed quickly as the two lost themselves in stories of past adventures. It was two beers later that Chris finally broached the topic he had been meaning to bring up with his young friend.

"So the _Yorktown_ 's due back in about five weeks," the Admiral hedged, taking a swig of his drink and setting the bottle down noisily.

Jim nodded slightly, glancing over in an invitation to continue. "That's good. You haven't seen Shay in a while."

Chris shrugged lightly, looking down. "Yeah, it's been almost a year since they were here last."

Jim pursed his lips, waiting for Chris to get to whatever point he was trying to make. It didn't take long.

"They weren't going to stop by so soon, but we've been working on an idea, that's finally shaping up. I'm going to accept a post on the _Yorktown_ as a diplomatic officer. It's not in the line of command so there are fewer requirements for physical ability."

Jim blinked, surprised, before he smiled. "That's great. I'm happy for you."

Chris nodded graciously. "Yeah, I'm glad I'll be able to actually see Shay on a daily basis. That's something I've really missed, ever since I accepted the Captaincy of the _Enterprise_. And I miss space."

Jim looked away guiltily. It was easy to forget sometimes, that if it hadn't been for Nero, Chris would still have that seat on the Bridge of the flagship.

Chris sighed, knowing the direction the other man's thoughts had turned. "It's not your fault, Jim. Just… bad luck. Anyway, before we ship out, Shay and I have decided that we're going to get married."

That certainly got Jim's attention. The two had been together for as long as Jim had known them, and it always seemed to work for them, but he could understand the concept of wanting the formality of a wedding.

Chris smiled happily. "It worked for us, just being together. But we decided we want more. And we want a family. I know it might not seem like it at times, but we're not actually that old. We want kids. For that to happen, we need to actually be living in the same place. And I know we don't need to actually be married to have a family, but we want to."

Jim was still slightly shocked, but he hid it behind a congratulatory smile. "Seriously, Chris, you'll make a great dad."

Chris beamed, understanding the compliment behind the words. Jim knew he'd be a good father because he already was. Even if neither of them really admitted it in so many words – apart from that one awkward conversation after Nero when Chris had been laid up in Medbay – the meaning was there, the understanding was there. Chris was the only real parent Jim had ever known. His aunt and uncle on Tarsus had tried, but they had been killed before he had really gotten to the point of being able to let himself trust them in that way.

After another few minutes and an order to the bartender for some top shelf scotch to celebrate, Jim coughed awkwardly. "So what's going on with the whole Admiral situation? You got any more intel that might help get control?"

Chris sighed wearily. "Intel, sure. Whether or not it's useful…" he shrugged. "We're still working on it." He swallowed, turning the glass in his hands as he stared at it. "I know we told you we were working towards me taking over as your superior, but when this opportunity on the _Yorktown_ arose, I couldn't turn it down." He looked up, his eyes pleading for understanding. "The only change in the plans is that it will likely be Jon who takes Komack's place. You have to understand, Jim, my heart still belongs in space. That was always my dream, and I'm not quite ready to give up on it yet."

Jim was quick to nod, shifting slightly in his seat so that he was facing Chris more directly. "I get it, Chris," he promised. "I'm not mad, swear. I'm really happy that you're able to get back up there." He smiled. "If anyone understands the draw, I do."

Chris returned the smile, reassured. "Thanks. And I was wondering…" he bit his lip, looking down again. "Well, it's just…" He rolled his eyes, wondering why this was so hard. "Jim, would you be my best man?"

Jim leaned back slightly, startled. "Are you sure?" he asked, confused. "I mean, Jon and Richard –"

Chris shook his head, looking up to meet the Captain's bewildered gaze. "I want you, Jim. Jon and Richard are good friends, but that's all they are. Very good, close friends. You're family."

Jim actually felt himself choke up a little. He nodded slowly. "I'd love to."

Chris grinned and took another sip of his drink. "It'll be small. Jon's going to officiate, and we're going to have the ceremony at my parents' place, in Mojave. Shay's inviting a couple friends from the _Yorktown_ , but other than that, I think Richard and Spock are the only others I really want to be there. You can bring Carol, of course." His grin widened slightly at the small blush that worked its way across Jim's cheeks. He was happy to see the young man in such a steady relationship. Even if most of the Admiralty – well, _all_ of the Admiralty except him – were unaware of the flagship Captain's relationship, Jim had told him in confidence, and once the Captain had explained the measures they had taken to remove the appearance of impropriety, Chris had relaxed and been happy to hear more. He was pleased that Jim was opening his heart to someone. The kid deserved to be happy.

Jim nodded, taking a sip of his own drink to hide the embarrassment, and let Chris change the subject, talking about some of the upgrades that were scheduled to be implemented in all Constitution Class starships over the next few years. Jim was well versed in the upgrades – he had helped design a few of them.

And the rest of the evening passed amicably.

**XXX**

It was a very quiet few weeks; Jim spent most of his days at the Academy, not really taking the fully relaxing break that most of the rest of the crew had opted for, but he had a lot of duties he couldn't completely abandon, not if the _Enterprise_ wanted to be ready to ship out on time. He compromised with Carol by spending only part of the day working, and the rest doing something 'fun', which for her meant everything from the beach to one of the many museums that were littered across the city.

He spent time with his friends that were in the city or nearby, and with Chris helping him work out wedding details – including but not limited to helping him to wrangle his stepmother into something more reasonable than a ten course meal for dinner. Apparently she was very excited to see her stepson 'finally settle down', never mind that he and Shay had been dating and living together for nearly two decades. According to Chris, his parents were very excited to meet Jim. He refused to outright say what he had told his parents about the younger man, but Jim figured he had probably told them a lot, considering their lengthy friendship. They had been friends for over ten years now. And Chris was close with his parents, he would have told them all about the son of his best friend.

God damn it, he'd probably talked their ears off about his genius, his role in the design of the new warp core, his ascension to Captain at such a young age. Jim could sometimes wish Chris didn't openly show so much pride in him, but he also couldn't deny that he liked having someone treat him like a son every now and then.

Jim also met up with Cory a few times – the younger man was officially on the tenure track at UC Berkley, already impressing his colleagues and other historians in the field. Jim got to meet Cory's girlfriend as well, a woman his cousin had met in the library at two o'clock in the morning in the last year of his studies, when they had both been practically living there trying to complete their dissertations. Jim and Carol had a very pleasant dinner with Cory and Amanda. Cory and Carol were nearly cut out of the conversation completely when Jim and Amanda began discussing her dissertation – she was the proud owner of a PhD in Mechanical Engineering, and she nearly squealed with delight when she learned that Jim had practically designed the newest model of warp core that was being used in Starfleet's Constellation Class ships.

When the couple broke up for the night, Jim gave Cory a light hug and a slap on the back. "Marry that girl," he murmured into his cousin's ear.

Cory pulled back and glared at him, though there was no real heat in his gaze. "You just say that because she's one of the few who knows what you're talking about when you get all Engineering-y. Sometimes I swear it's like she's a female you." Amanda looked over, intrigued, catching the last part of the conversation but not sure how it had started.

Jim grinned. "If by that you mean dashingly handsome, brilliant, chiseled good looks, suave and charming, and did I mention good looks, and –"

Carol cut him off, slapping a hand over his mouth with a roll of her eyes. "Ignore him. He has absolutely no idea what he's talking about."

Cory nodded, a longsuffering sigh escaping his lips. "I know. It's a pity he can't be trained, but at his advanced age, I don't think there's much we can do."

Jim protested, his voice muffled by Carol's hand. "I'm one year older!" He removed Carol's hand lightly, and gave her a soft glare, before shaking his head amusedly. "Seriously, Cory, I'm really glad you're doing well, and I'm really proud of you. I had a great time tonight."

Cory blushed slightly, happy with his cousin's praise – after everything Jim had accomplished in his life, there was no higher compliment for him.

Jim turned to Amanda and offered his hand. She shook it, and he smiled. "It was great to meet you, Amanda. I'm sure we'll see each other again soon. Don't be a stranger though, if you ever want to talk about engineering with someone who actually understands. And if you ever want a tour of the _Enterprise_ , just let me know."

Amanda grinned. "I will definitely take you up on that. It was great to meet you too, Jim, Carol," she glanced over at the other woman and nodded. "I had a wonderful time."

With one last round of farewells, the two couples separated, heading for their homes.

**XXX**

Carol frowned worriedly as she stepped onto the 'lift that would bring her back down to the ground floor of Cochrane Hall. Talking with her father lately had always set her teeth on edge, but today seemed to have stepped it up a notch. He wasn't happy with her life choices, but she had made perfectly clear when she had pushed for assignment to the _Enterprise_ that if he tried to block her or shuffle her off to a safer commission, she would make his life a living hell, and lodge a formal complaint. Admiral Marcus may be relatively high in the command structure, but even he would not fare too well to rumors of less than professional behavior. But today, something had seemed… off. She had gone to him hoping for a civilized discussion, because she had a few questions that she needed answered.

As Jim had been spending most of his time working, by default, Carol had often found herself doing the same, since she really didn't have anywhere else she wanted to go. Her mother was too busy to spend much time with her if she tried to make the trip over to England, and she didn't really have any other family to visit. She had visited with a few friends in the San Francisco area, but for the most part, she had been immersing herself in learning about the newest technology and weapons upgrades.

That was what had prompted her to seek out her father; if it hadn't been for the special project she had come across, under his purview according to the file, she wouldn't have bothered making the trip up to the top floor of Cochrane Hall. She and her father really did not get along. But it was some sort of missile defense from what she could determine, and she was curious.

Of course, Admiral Marcus was not an accommodating man, and refused to appease her desire for knowledge, leaving her with more questions than she had arrived with. She wondered, as she stepped out of the 'lift and headed towards her apartment, whether she should mention this to anyone. She didn't know what her father was doing, but she didn't want to raise a fuss if it was really nothing.

Her concern was only further heightened when she settled in at her computer to waste the hour before Jim would finish overseeing the upgrades on the _Enterprise_ and come join her for dinner.

She had been locked out of all the files concerning her father's special project.

**XXX**

The last week before the _Yorktown_ returned passed peacefully. Jim's command crew all returned, and they spent some time catching up and jumping back into work, preparing their respective departments for departure in a month. Most of the crew had returned or was scheduled to return within the next week or two, to ensure that everyone was present and prepared when the ship was scheduled to leave.

The day after the _Yorktown_ 's arrival, Jim, Carol, Shay, Chris, Spock, Jon, Richard, and two of Shay's friends from her crew all boarded a small shuttle and made the trip up to Mojave. By ground transport it would have been a five-and-a-half-hour trip, but by shuttle it was made in just over an hour, and Chris' parents lived on a farm with plenty of room to land without worrying.

The trip gave Shay a chance to catch up with Jim, telling him about the _Yorktown_ 's plans to remain docked at Earth for a month, to unwind and get Chris' new appointment in order, before they would head back out. They still had another year and a half left of their five-year mission.

Jon and Richard were surprised at the inclusion of Lieutenant Wallace, and startled to hear that she and Jim had been officially dating for nearly four years; neither one was thrilled at the circumvention of protocol, which mandated that Captains disclose their personal relationships, especially if they were both serving on the same ship, to avoid any potential calls of misconduct. They were mollified slightly when Chris told them that he had known, and that Spock had been conducting Carol's performance reviews from the moment their relationship became serious. It still wasn't exactly by the book, but Jim was well aware of his infamous status within the Federation. His girlfriend would receive far more scrutiny than he wanted to subject Carol to, especially without knowing if they would last. Put like that, both men had to reluctantly agree, with the stipulation that the couple make it official with the Admiralty as soon as they returned to Headquarters. Jim and Carol acquiesced, knowing that they couldn't continue to keep it a secret much longer. And after this long, they weren't as worried about breaking up as they had been when they had first made the decision to keep their relationship off the books.

Charles and Liz Pike were waiting when they landed, and wasted no time in greeting their son and soon to be official daughter-in-law, before smiling greetings at the rest of the group.

Jim blushed, embarrassed, when Liz immediately gathered him in a welcoming hug. "I am so pleased to finally meet you!" she gushed, beaming as she pulled back and cupped his face with both hands. "Chris is always telling us about your latest achievements. So proud of you." She smiled at her stepson, shaking her head lightly at his sudden discomfort. "Don't let him try and pretend different, dear. He really is very proud of everything you've done. And so are we."

She led him inside, leaving the rest to follow as she continued to talk, bringing up a few stories Jim had shared with Chris over the last few years, and how impressed she was with his quick thinking, somehow still managing to come off motherly as she gently berated him for getting himself into such dangerous situations.

Chris was half a step behind, hoping to stop his stepmother from going into complete grandmother mode. He had told his parents a lot, and they had been bugging him to bring Jim out to meet them for years, but the timing had never worked. He hoped they could rein it in a little this weekend.

Unfortunately, his dad managed to distract him by telling him to help get everyone settled into their rooms, and then joined his wife who refused to let Jim take care of his own bag. Carol grabbed it along with hers, and with an amused smile, headed upstairs behind Chris, to get settled in the room she and Jim would share.

Jim was feeling very out of his depth as he suddenly found himself cornered by both of Chris' parents now. Charles, noting the discomfort, smiled to ease the young man's worry. "You're not in trouble, Jim, don't look so scared!" He offered Jim a bottle of beer, and Jim took an uneasy swig. Charles' smile widened. "Honestly, the way Chris talks about you, I would have thought you were my own grandson."

Jim turned red, looking at the floor as he took another sip of his drink.

Liz beamed happily. "You're part of the family, Jim. Just accept it, and make sure you come out to visit the grandparents every now and then."

"Liz." Chris' stern reprimand was evident even in just the one word. Chris shook his head, dragging Jim away, and towards the kitchen so that he could grab a drink for himself. "I'm sorry about them," he offered, his voice soft. "I promise, I don't actually talk about you that much. I think they just think if they annoy me enough, I'll give them some grandkids to spoil."

Jim raised an eyebrow, leaning against the counter as he watched Chris pull a covered dish out of the fridge. The kitchen was more old fashioned than most, Jim had noticed. Chris' parents lived in a farmhouse that had likely been built around the same time as the Kirk farmhouse in Iowa, and it hadn't been updated in much the same way, with mostly wood furnishings, older appliances, and doors that you actually had to push open with your hands. "Didn't you just tell me a few weeks ago that you guys wanted kids?"

Chris pursed his lips, setting the dish in the oven to warm up before grabbing his drink and joining Jim. "Yeah, that's true now," he admitted, shrugging lightly. "I was always more focused on my career than starting a family, as is evidenced by how long Shay and I have put off this wedding. Neither of us really cared too much about making it official, and we were both always more interested in space and exploration than kids." He looked down briefly. "But times change. It's not that we thought we didn't want a family back then, it's just that other things always seemed more important."

Jim nodded, understanding. He often felt the same way. "Your parents seem nice." He shrugged lightly, his hands fiddling with the bottle distractedly. "It's kind of nice to be wanted."

Chris bit his lip, glancing over at the young Captain. "Have you talked to Winona recently?"

Jim shook his head, taking a large swallow of his beer. "Not since Frank's funeral." He lowered the bottle, his gaze fixed in front of him, refusing to look up to meet the Admiral's own sympathetic one. "I don't need or want her in my life," he said stoically. "We might share DNA, but she was never a mother. Legally, she hasn't even been that since I was twelve and she signed her rights away to her sister. She never bothered to get them back after Marie died, which should say something about the level of her caring." He forced himself to look at Chris now, offering up a tired half-smile. "It's fine, Chris. Don't worry so much."

Chris watched him as he headed back to the living room, his gaze worried despite himself. "I always worry about you, kid," he said softly, before shaking his head ruefully and following Jim.

**XXX**

The wedding ceremony was simple and short. Shay refused to wear anything close to a full length white dress, and was instead outfitted in a light blue dress that had off the shoulder short sleeves and cut off abruptly at her knees. The others were all in Starfleet dress uniforms, while Liz was dressed in a simple summer dress, and Charles wore khakis and a button down short sleeved shirt.

Dinner afterwards was a cookout, as Charles manned the grill and the small group ate on the grassy lawn, blankets set out to protect their clothes from getting stained. It was a very low-key afternoon, and suited Chris and Shay just fine. They had no desire to host a large formal event; the official ceremony was only a piece of paper, after all. Or, bytes on a piece of technology, since printed out marriage certificates had fallen out of style right around the time they stopped using paper for everything.

It was early evening when Jon's communicator chimed, and with an apologetic shrug, he moved off to the side to answer it.

He returned a few minutes later, looking grim. "Someone just blew up the Kelvin Memorial Archive in London," he informed them, his eyes darting around the group of officers.

His words had an immediate effect, as they all began standing up and clearing their dishes, knowing what the appropriate response was to that information. Their vacation was over, and it was time to go back to work.

Charles and Liz immediately shuffled everyone inside to change and gather their belongings, insisting that they would clean up, and not to worry about it.

Chris hung back with Shay and his parents while Jon went to get the shuttle ready, and the others made sure they had everything they had arrived with. "I'm sorry to marry and run," he said sheepishly.

Charles rolled his eyes and gave his son a hug. "You go save the world, Chris. It's what you do."

Liz hugged him as well, and then Shay, before grabbing Jim as he tried to take his bag out to the shuttle. She gave him a tight hug and rubbed his back comfortingly. "You be careful too, Jim. And don't forget to come visit!"

Jim nodded, still slightly uncomfortable with her easy acceptance of his presence in her life. It seemed so amazing to him, that Chris' parents didn't need anything more than their son's obvious affection for him, to consider him part of their family. "Thank you for having us," he said in reply, before Jon called out for them all to board, knowing that they needed to get back to the Academy as soon as possible.

Charles and Liz watched as the shuttle lifted off, their arms wrapped around each other and their heads filled with worry for the group on board. Bombing a Starfleet building was no small act, and a side effect of having a son in Starfleet meant that they could imagine all kinds of scenarios for what was going on and why, as well as what might come next.

Charles tightened his hold on his wife. "They'll be fine," he said reassuringly.

Liz's only response was a troubled sigh.


	22. Chapter 22

Jon informed them of the situation as he was aware of it, on the trip back. He opened up the throttle to get them there as quickly as possible, since the Admiralty had convened an Officers meeting, where all Captains and First Officers currently docked at Earth would meet to discuss the attack and determine what actions to take next.

When they arrived, Carol and Chris promised to take care of the luggage for everyone else, and would meet them after the meeting. Of the two friends Shay had invited to the wedding, her First Officer Commander Wheeler joined the group headed to Cochrane Hall, while Lieutenant Commander Mycroft headed back to her apartment, after promising to keep what she knew a secret – no one wanted any information getting out before the Admiralty could decide on a course of action.

When the group entered the meeting room at Cochrane, they could see that they were the last ones to arrive. Admiral Marcus was seated at whatever could count for the head of a round table, and the other Captains and First Officers were either seated or standing around talking with each other.

As soon as he saw that Jon and Richard were there, Marcus got everyone's attention, and those who had been standing took their seats as the room came to order

Each officer had a PADD that they were able to use to follow along as Marcus informed them of what Intelligence had gathered. "Approximately three hours ago, this man set off a series of explosives that leveled the Kelvin Memorial Archive in London and killed himself along with at least forty-two other officers. Casualties are still being tallied," the Admiral said, his voice dispassionate and factual. The image on the PADD was a middle aged African American man. "Lieutenant Kolchek, he worked in the Archives for ten years, not a single black mark on his record until today. We believe that he was coerced; unfortunately, we can't ask him." He swiped across the screen of his own PADD, and everyone else's changed. "Intelligence suggests that this man may be the mastermind behind the attack." Another headshot appeared on the screen. This time it was a Caucasian man, late twenties to early thirties in appearance. His eyes stared up coldly from the screen.

Marcus allowed himself a small sigh. "John Harrison. Former Starfleet, dishonorably discharged for bad conduct eighteen months ago."

Jim listened to the information with half an ear, most of his attention focused on the PADD, which had more detail of the attack, the casualties, and the damage that it had caused, than Marcus was telling them – understandable, since the report would take more time than they really had to go over completely. But he was confused. Why the Archives? It just didn't make sense. He leaned over to Jon, who was seated next to him, and murmured, "Does something about this not add up to you?"

Jon glanced back at him, raising an eyebrow. "What's going on in that genius head of yours?"

Marcus stopped talking midsentence and glanced at them. "Everything all right over there, gentlemen?"

Jon turned to him and shrugged, not cowed by his colleague's disapproving glare. "Just discussing theories."

Marcus turned his attention to Jim and pursed his lips. "You got something to say, Kirk, don't hold back."

Not for the first time, Jim was glad this man didn't know he was dating his daughter. He'd hate to think of the trouble Marcus could cause for him if he had a reason to. He already got the feeling the man didn't like him.

With a small nod, Jim straightened in his seat. "I'm sorry sir, it's just… the Archives? The motives don't really add up, if he wanted to make a statement. Bombing the archives is like bombing a library. Why bother?"

Jon and Richard shared a covert look, knowing the rumors that Starfleet Intelligence, also referred to as Section 31, was based under the Kelvin Memorial Archives. No one could confirm that, but they were willing to bet, especially after today, that those rumors bore some fruit. Which might suggest that Harrison's motives weren't so cut and dry as a simple act against the organization he used to work for.

Jim glanced at the information on his PADD again, and then looked back up, his gaze scanning the officers around him. "Protocol is very clear in situations like this. Senior Captains and First Officers gather to confer… here." He cut off and looked at Jon, his eyes conveying the seriousness of the situation.

Jon was on his feet half a second later, calling for air support, even as the world seemed to explode around them.

Jim picked himself up off the floor, shaking his head to try and get rid of the ringing in his ears. On one side, Spock was also getting himself back into a standing position. Jon was still down, but he was moving and his eyes were open, so Jim tried not to worry too much.

All around him, officers were scattered, either on the ground or standing back up, pulling out weapons and attempting to figure out what was going on.

Jim turned to the now empty space where the floor-to-ceiling window used to be. There was a ship out there, firing on their conference room with what seemed like full enthusiasm but little real skill. Whoever was inside didn't appear to be aiming at anything in particular.

But he was causing serious damage. The room was taking the full brunt of the attack, as most people had stooped low to avoid getting shot.

Jim took all this in even as he was pulling out his own phaser and attempting to get a clear shot. His heart skittered out a painful thump as he heard a loud crack, right before a large beam began to tip. And underneath…

Shay was kneeling next to a still form, checking a downed officer's pulse or trying to shield him, Jim wasn't sure. But she was completely unaware of the danger she was in.

Jim wasted no time in launching himself off of the wall he had taken cover behind, and it seemed like barely a split second had passed before he was across the room and shoving her out of the way, right as the beam crashed to the floor.

Shay picked herself up shakily, offering Jim a hand when he took a moment too long to rise, himself. "Thanks," she said tightly, the look in her eyes grateful, but there was no time to talk properly, as the ship was still firing.

Jim nodded a reply, but he was already moving, trying to flank the ship. They had to take it out of commission.

A cabinet to one side held weapons, and a quick override code – if anyone asked, he most certainly did _not_ know Jon's code, and if he did, he would never actually _use_ it! – later, and the door was open. He pulled out a long-range phaser before breaking the glass that held the fire hose and tying a quick knot around the weapon.

He moved to the broken window, uncoiling the hose quickly. Taking careful aim, he enacted his hastily devised plan. He might have had a killer headache, the world might still be exploding around him, but Jim knew how to aim. The weapon hit the ship's turbine, and was sucked in.

A moment later, it was listing to one side as it began a rapid descent. Fortunately, the ground below was clear, people having enough sense to run away from the unknown ship firing on a Starfleet building.

Jim sagged wearily, but didn't let himself collapse. There was still work to be done, so he forced himself to push down the aches and pains, and went back to see what the situation was in the conference room.

Spock was at his side the moment he reappeared, his eyes questioning, but he didn't say anything out loud. Jim nodded slightly, and that seemed to be enough for the Vulcan, who immediately began assisting him as he started to triage other officers.

Chris was in the room by now, helping Jon to sit up; the older Admiral had a large gash on his head and his arm appeared to be broken, but he was alert and already trying to get his friend to stop fussing. Nearby, Shay and Richard were working together to drag a Captain out of the rubble.

Chris met his gaze grimly over Jon's head. "Lieutenant Wallace is outside," he said quietly. "I think I saw McCoy too, on the way up. There appeared to be a lot of wounded, but I'm not sure what the total damage is."

Jim nodded, but didn't reply, turning to focus completely on the task of getting the injured stabilized until they could be taken to Starfleet Medical, and determining just how bad the situation was.

**XXX**

It was hours later that they finished in the conference room. The badly injured had been removed to the hospital, and the cleanup crew was already working on getting the rubble cleared out and the room restored.

Everyone was exhausted as Marcus told them all to go home and get some rest, and wait for further instruction. They would figure out what was going on, and determine what to do once they had some idea, but there was no point in staying when they needed their rest.

It could have been worse. All told, they had lost three Captains and a First Officer. Jim had recognized Captain Halloway from the _Seymour_ , and though he hadn't liked the man who had tried to push him way too hard to share information about Tarsus on that trip back to Earth, he certainly didn't want the man dead. Captains Abbott from the _Aldrin_ and Amasov from the _Endeavor_ had also been killed, as had Lieutenant Commander Hill from the _Lexington_.

There were many more injuries, but nothing permanent. Outside, it seemed like the injuries were more widespread, but only one death.

Shay waited until they were out of the conference room before she grasped Jim in a tight hug. "Thank you," she murmured.

Jim nodded jerkily, returning the hug willingly. Chris rested a hand briefly on Jim's shoulder, offering his own gratitude for Jim's actions, along with the relief that the kid was not seriously hurt.

Outside looked nearly as bad as the room they had just left. There was glass and rubble scattered everywhere, and people picking their way through the mess, helping to clean up, or searching for any more survivors.

Carol threw herself into a surprised Jim's arms the moment he stepped out of the building, managing to contain her sobs, but unable to completely hide the trembling in her shoulders.

Jim just rubbed her back soothingly until she pulled back, wiping her eyes with one hand, the other remaining firmly clasped around his arm. "I'm fine," he promised, smiling reassuringly.

Carol nodded jerkily, before McCoy interrupted. His expression conveyed his annoyance for the situation, but there was a clear definition of relief in his eyes, as he carefully looked his idiotic best friend over to see if there were any visible injuries.

Jim rolled his eyes, knowing what the man was doing, but chose not to say anything about it. "Joanna?" he asked, instead.

McCoy's scowl deepened. "Childcare center," he replied brusquely. "As soon as we heard what was happening here I took her over, and came to help out."

Jim nodded slightly. "Injuries?" he queried, his voice soft.

McCoy let out a deep sigh. "Roughly three dozen minor to moderate. Around half a dozen serious, and based on the reports from the hospital so far, at least two of those might not make it. But it could have been much worse. Whatever was going on seemed more centered around your location, than outside."

Jim nodded again, glancing up at the destroyed top half of the building. "No point in sticking around for now," he said, turning back to the doctor. Chris and Shay had already left, so it was just them and Carol. "You need to stay?"

McCoy shook his head. "Not much left to do. Everyone injured has already been taken away. We were doing a last sweep when you got here."

Jim smiled tightly, his eyes wandering around the rubble surrounding them, keen eyes lighting on the various teams digging through the rocks and glass. "Go get Joanna then, and get some rest. Whatever's going on, it's not over yet."

The doctor nodded grimly. "You should check in at Starfleet Medical."

Jim shook his head slightly. "I'm fine, Bones."

McCoy scowled. "Just because you can deal with all kinds of pain doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. Humor me."

Jim rolled his eyes exasperatedly. "Tomorrow. Right now I just want to sleep."

McCoy didn't look thrilled, but he nodded, and with a jerky wave, headed off towards the childcare center, while Jim and Carol walked slowly towards Jim's apartment.

"Scotty was poking around that shuttle," Carol informed him as they walked. She was still holding onto his arm, but she had loosened her grip slightly, hoping no one was really paying too much attention as they wound through crowds towards the residence halls for enlisted officers. They had to be more careful around the Academy, now that they were in view of people who might not be as loyal as the _Enterprise_ crew. The weeks since they had docked had been difficult, as they weren't used to having to censor themselves, but neither one wanted Carol's father to know about their relationship, and it could cause all kinds of issues with Jim, if someone wanted to accuse him of abusing his power with a subordinate. She didn't think that would happen, but Jim was more cautious – he hadn't told her much, but she was aware of some sort of power struggle within the Admiralty, and was smart enough to know that there were things above her paygrade that, while she might not have the clearance or the need to know, were still important and deserving of respect. When and if Jim could tell her more, he would.

With an almost regretful sigh, Carol unwound her hand from Jim's arm, and settled for walking as close as she could without tripping on him. "It was empty by the time it crashed, so he said he wanted to see if there was any clue to where whoever was in it went. Said he'd let you know if he finds anything."

Jim nodded, relieved to hear that the Scotsman was on it. If anyone could figure out where Harrison had gone, it was his brilliant Chief Engineer.

Carol looked up at him worriedly. "Can you talk about what's going on? I'm assuming this is related to the bombing in London, but details are very sketchy. No one's releasing any information to the public yet."

Jim sighed as they reached his building and he keyed the code to enter. "I don't think I can share everything right now, but it is connected. As soon as we know more, I'll tell you, all right?"

Carol nodded, squeezing his arm reassuringly. "Of course."

They quickly entered Jim's apartment and barely managed to find the strength to remove their dirty uniforms before collapsing onto the bed, asleep.

**XXX**

Jim's comm. woke him far too early, though when he looked at it, blinking the sleep from his eyes, he saw that it was actually nearly time for him to wake up anyway. He quickly got out of bed and moved to the other room, so that he wouldn't wake Carol up.

It was Scotty, telling him that he had found something, and asking if Jim was available to meet.

Jim quickly promised to be there as soon as he got dressed, and hung up.

He moved around the bedroom quietly, putting on a clean uniform, before leaving a note for Carol so that she wouldn't worry, and heading across the campus to find Scotty.

The Engineer was quick to show him the device he had found in the wreck of the shuttle the day before. "It's a portable transwarp beaming device," he said grimly. His expression was set in an uncharacteristic scowl as he met Jim's suddenly startled gaze knowingly.

Jim bit his lip as he thought. He, Scotty, and Chekov had spent a lot of time working on their beaming theory, and as far as he was aware, it was still in the testing stage. No one outside the team should know about it, especially not an ex-Starfleet officer who would use it to escape after shooting up the Academy. And they hadn't even discussed making a portable device yet. It was still just an equation.

Or at least, it should be.

Jim let out a long sigh and forced himself to focus on the issue at hand. "Is it ours?"

Scotty scowled irately. "The base equation is, aye, but they've altered it. Obviously, they'd have had to; we hadn't begun to work on a portable device yet, Jim. It's not common knowledge either, outside the team. Theories like this stay in the testing phase for years, until they iron out all the bugs. Only the beta team should know about it."

Jim grimaced. Clearly someone had access to classified Starfleet data, and the means and motive to use it. He had a sudden thought hit him, and he almost forgot to breathe; when theyhad been ordered to Tarsus, Chris and Jon had told him that they thought the _Enterprise_ had been given the mission for a reason, despite there being closer ships available. Jim knew that he had done a good job of erasing himself from Tarsus' history, and no one should know that he had been there. _Should know_ being the operative words. Just like right now. No one should know about the equation they had developed, unless they had access to that classified intel. What if whoever had access could also somehow find out about him? And did whoever it was actually have access, or did they just know how to get around the security measures in place? Was all of this linked? There was no evidence right now to suggest a connection, but Jim had been through enough dangerous situations to know that that suspicion could and did save lives. After all, was it actually paranoia if they really were out to get you?

And the fact that someone was ferreting out classified intel without Starfleet's knowledge was a problem in and of itself. What else could these people have gotten their hands on? The sheer amount of intelligence that Starfleet hid behind encryption and firewalls could destroy countless planets and civilizations, lead to the deaths of millions or billions of people.

Jim shook his head slightly to bring himself back to the immediate task. The threads of conclusions and possibilities were all important, but right now they had a direct problem they needed to address. He'd think more about the what-ifs later. "Do you know where Harrison went?"

Scotty nodded, still serious. "Qo'nos."

Jim blinked, startled. "And it worked? That's twice as far as our calculations suggested."

Scotty grimaced and shrugged. "Not sure, but someone's taken our work and expanded on it. Like I said, the base equation is still the same, but it's not ours anymore. Someone studied it, figured out how to make it portable, and worked out how to increase the distance. The only people I know with that kind of juice is Starfleet Intelligence. But if they were working on it, why weren't we notified? That's something they should have told us."

Jim grit his teeth in annoyance. "Thanks, Scotty. I'll talk to the Admirals, and we'll go from there."

Scotty nodded and watched his friend leave, before he decided to go check on his ship. All right, he would share custody with Jim, but that beautiful lady was just as much his as she was her Captain's. He had a feeling that they would be getting orders soon, so he might as well make sure the _Enterprise_ was ready when that call came.

**XXX**

Jim thought about going to Jon, but Admiral Marcus was heading up the investigation of Harrison, so he knew that he had to report to Carol's father. It would be deemed insubordination at the least, if he skipped over the Admiral and told someone else what Scotty had discovered first.

Marcus listened to the report, and nodded stoically. "Good work, Kirk. Your orders are to pursue the criminal and neutralize him."

Jim carefully kept his expression blank. "Sir, if we pursue Harrison to Klingon space, we'll be in violation of the treaty."

Marcus smiled, but it lacked any warmth. "I'm outfitting the _Enterprise_ with a newly designed weapon. Amazingly accurate long-range torpedoes. They can reach Harrison from the edge of Klingon space." He seemed to sense Jim's hesitation, because his expression turned sour. "You have your orders, Captain Kirk. Dismissed."

Jim nodded quickly and left. The meeting had put a bitter taste in his mouth, so rather than return to his apartment, he quickly pulled out his comm. and sent a shipwide message to report for active duty in four hours, thankful that most of his crew had already returned to San Francisco to prepare for their departure in a couple of weeks.

That act done, he made his way down the hall to Jon's office.

The Admiral was in, and listened to Jim's concerns without interruption.

When he had finished, Jon sat back with a sigh. "Marcus isn't exactly the Admiral I'd most like to work with," he admitted. "I don't know if he's a bad egg or just an ass, but he's pretty firm in his resolve, and he tends to play fast and loose sometimes, if it'll get him what he wants." He pursed his lips and then decided to tell Jim everything. "I know bombing the Archives seemed strange to you, but the rumor is, Section 31 is housed there. And Marcus heads up Intelligence."

Jim let out a breath. "So probably not a coincidence, then?"

Jon shrugged. "I don't believe in coincidences. I just have no idea what his end game is, or what he's gotten himself into, and where this Harrison guy comes in." He shook his head. "Anyway, I don't want us to start a war, any more than you do. You can't refuse these missiles that he's arming you with – and it really annoys me that this is the first I've heard of them – but don't use them. Do you think you can capture Harrison quietly?"

Jim bit his lip, considering. "It won't be easy," he admitted. "If we cross into Klingon space, we're violating the treaty. I'll see if I can get a hold of K'Temoc. Unless he's back to spying on Romulans, he should still be on Qo'nos."

Jon frowned. "Do you think you can trust him?"

Jim grimaced. "I can't say for sure, but I don't think he'll stab me in the back, if that's what you're asking." He sighed. "I know there's a lot of tension between us and the Klingons, and a lot of hate. But I don't think they're all as ready to kill us all in our sleep as we like to think. Maybe some of them are just as tired of the bloodshed as we are."

Jon nodded slowly. "Well, I still don't trust them, but I do trust you. If you think you should contact him, then do it. I'm giving you authority over this mission, Jim. Use your own judgment."

Jim smiled slightly and stood up, rolling his shoulders to loosen up. "Thanks, Jon. I should go make sure the ship's ready for departure."

Jon inclined his head, and Jim quickly left the office, heading for the shuttle bay.

**XXX**

Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Carol, and April were all at the bay as well, planning to head up to the ship to start readying their departments, or in Carol's case, she didn't have anything better to do so she might as well get on board early; Jim joined them as they prepared to board a shuttle.

McCoy nearly growled as he caught sight of the Captain. "You were supposed to check in at the hospital."

Jim rolled his eyes and took a seat next to Carol. "I've had busy morning. I'm fine, Bones."

McCoy didn't listen to him, and spent most of the trip running a tricorder and noting every minor issue that was listed. Glancing up from the screen, he scowled at Jim's knowing smile. "Your blood pressure is elevated. And your blood sugar and iron levels are low. When was the last time you ate something?"

Jim tilted his head as he tried to remember, and looked up ruefully when he realized he had no idea.

McCoy nodded slightly. "I thought so," he muttered. "Damn insufferable fool."

April shook her head amusedly from her position in the row behind them, and reached over the seat to offer Jim a protein bar. She had learned to always have something to eat on her, just in case.

Jim took the offering willingly, though he really wasn't hungry. "Thanks," he mumbled, tearing off a piece unenthusiastically, and chewing slowly.

Under McCoy's watchful gaze, he managed to eat the entire bar. The Doctor's attitude only lightened when the food had been completely consumed. "Joanna's all right?" Jim asked curiously.

McCoy sighed, looking away now that he was convinced Jim wasn't actually dying on him. "Yeah. She's at the childcare center again. Everyone on the _Enterprise_ who has kids and no family to look after them left them there. We decided it probably wasn't the best idea to bring them, considering what we're warping into. Speaking of, are you going to tell us what exactly is going on?"

All the communication had said was that they were pursuing the criminal responsible for bombing the Archive in London, and to be on the ship ready to depart in four hours. But that was enough to let everyone know that they should leave all the non-Starfleet people at home.

Jim grimaced and shook his head. "Not now," he said shortly, and his expression discouraged all of them from pushing him further. It was enough to know, though, that whatever it was, it was big.

They were silent the rest of the trip up, and separated as soon as they landed in the _Enterprise_ 's shuttle bay.

Jim brought Carol with him down to Engineering, since she had a specialization in advanced weapons, and he thought she might want to get a look at whatever her father had put on his ship.

Carol stopped the 'lift several decks away from Engineering, hoping to get a chance to talk to Jim before they got swept up in their own tasks. "Jim, I think I need to tell you something."

Jim frowned, confused, but gestured for her to continue. She did so, concisely sharing what she had learned about the mysterious project her father had been working on. "And when I went back to look later, I had been locked out of the files. Jim, I don't know what he's doing, but I'm concerned. Why would he block my access?"

Jim shook his head slightly, resting a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "I don't know. We'll figure it out, Carol. Thanks for telling me."

Carol nodded shakily, and restarted the 'lift.

They entered the Engineering deck to see Scotty facing off against a man in standard Starfleet grays. The Scotsman's eyes lighted on Jim, and he relaxed slightly. "Jim, this man's tellin' me that he wants to put torpedoes in my Engineering deck. I cannae agree to this!"

Jim steeled himself for Scotty's disapproval, and focused on the unknown man. "I'll sign for the weapons, Lieutenant."

He did so, ignoring Scotty's continuing protests, and waited until the man had left, before he drew Scotty to an empty corner.

The Engineer was still ranting. "Those weapons could seriously damage the warp core if they're fired, I can't in good conscience approve of having them on board. Just like a Captain, never listening to those who know better –"

"That's enough, Lieutenant Commander Scott." Jim's voice cut sharply over Scotty's, and the man fell silent, his eyes widening slightly as he realized what he had just said. Over Jim's shoulder, he could see Carol watching them worriedly, before he refocused his attention on his superior.

Scotty gulped. "I'm –"

Jim again cut him off. "Mr. Scott, I know perfectly well the dangers of those torpedoes. I have no intention of using them, but I cannot deny the request to bring them aboard. These orders come directly from Admiral Marcus."

Scotty frowned, confused. "Sir…"

Jim sighed, and his posture relaxed slightly. "Do you trust me, Scotty?"

The Engineers response was immediate. "Of course."

Jim smiled minutely. "Then please trust that I know what I'm doing here. I promise, I have no intention of letting anything happen to our girl."

Scotty wavered. He didn't like having these weapons on board, but he couldn't deny Jim when the man looked him in the eye and asked him a question like that. Of course he trusted Jim with everything. There was obviously more going on than he was seeing, and he believed wholeheartedly in his Captain. He believed even more devoutly in his friend. After a few moments of silence, he nodded resignedly. "I can't say I like it, but very well."

Jim sighed wearily, understanding completely. Glancing back over his shoulder, he jerked his head slightly, silently asking Carol to give them a moment alone. Carol obediently began running tests on the nearest torpedo, hoping to get an idea of what her father had been doing.

Jim turned back to Scotty. "I really get it," he promised. "I wish it wasn't necessary, but I have a bad feeling that it is. Just believe that I'm going to do everything in my power to get us through this." Scotty nodded, and Jim smiled. "In the meantime, work with Carol to see if you can find out what's going on with these weapons. I highly doubt they're simply long range torpedoes." He grinned ruefully. "I'm a big fan of Occam's razor and Murphy's law, even when the two seem to clash."

Scotty chuckled. The simplest answer is usually the correct one, and whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. It _could_ be that these torpedoes were just torpedoes, but Jim – and Scotty – didn't trust their luck enough to trust in that possibility. "Will do."

Jim gripped his shoulder briefly in a grateful gesture, before making his way back to the 'lift, after a quick stop at Carol's side to tell her to stay in Engineering and work on the weapons.


	23. Chapter 23

They left orbit as soon as each department confirmed that they were ready, not wasting any time. Pushing the engines, it would take them nearly three days to get to the edge of the Neutral Zone, and at least another day or two to get to the Klingon border; they didn't have a minute to spare.

Jim waited until they were underway before he slipped a comm. sequence to Uhura and asked her to enable every encryption they had before transferring the call to his ready room.

Confused but obedient, the Communications officer did so, as Jim left Spock in charge of the Bridge and headed into the private room to wait for the call to connect.

It was a few minutes before he was greeted with the sight of a rather confused Klingon, staring at him from across space. K'Temoc frowned, uncertain as to why this Starfleet Captain would be calling him out of the blue after over a year. "Captain Kirk?"

Jim attempted a smile, hoping it didn't come out a grimace. "I apologize for the sudden contact," he said, letting out a small sigh. "We've got… a situation, and I think we might need your help."

K'Temoc blinked, startled. "What do you need?"

It only took Jim a couple of minutes to give the Klingon the details of Harrison's attack and his current location, hiding out in an abandoned section of Qo'nos. "Do you know if your patrols have seen anything odd?"

K'Temoc shook his head. "Not that I've heard, but I will admit that I am simply a ship captain. I might not be made aware of information even if someone does have it."

Jim frowned slightly. "Would it be inappropriate of you to ask around?"

K'Temoc was surprised at the level of concern he could hear in the Captain's voice. "I am not a leader in my Clan. I can ask a few compatriots, but I cannot overstep my position."

Jim nodded understandingly. "I'm sorry; I don't want to ask you to do anything that might put you in a bad position."

K'Temoc shrugged. "If I hear anything, I will let you know. I cannot promise anything more."

Jim nodded quickly. "Thank you. I appreciate any assistance you're able to give us." He hesitated, and then decided to show the Klingon some measure of trust and respect. "If you happen to come across a few… strangers… in a couple of days, please don't shoot."

K'Temoc frowned. "For Starfleet officers to enter Klingon space would violate the treaty."

Jim nodded again. "I'm aware of that."

K'Temoc tilted his chin slightly, his stare boring into the Captain on the vidscreen. "As long as we're clear then."

Jim managed to contain his smirk until he had given the Klingon a last farewell and signed off. He liked K'Temoc. The Federation had had a long and bloody history with the Klingons, but he really couldn't help but like K'Temoc's attitude and sense of honor. He firmly believed in duty to his people and his nation, but he wasn't blind to the way things were, and the need to grow and adapt to the change around him.

He just hoped pursuing a cordial relationship with the Klingon didn't bring any negative consequences, for either of them.

**XXX**

It was a tense few days. By the end of the third day they were traveling through the Neutral Zone, and everyone was on edge, waiting for something to go wrong, because knowing their luck, something would, and sooner rather than later.

And Murphy's Law came into play, nearly four days into their mission, just as Jim knew it would. Most of the crew on the Bridge was thrown out of their seats by a sudden and abrupt jolt that rocked the entire ship.

Picking himself up with a hidden grimace, Jim opened a comm. to Scotty. "What the hell just happened," he barked, his tone successfully conveying control and determination, and hiding the worry and uncertainty that he felt, facing unknowns while traversing the Neutral Zone with no access to friendly aid if they needed it.

Scotty's voice, when it came over the comm., sounded winded and slightly put out. "Our warp core just went offline, sir. We're working on figuring it out. I blame those damn torpedoes," the last bit was muttered under his breath, but Jim still caught it.

The Captain nodded sharply, though the Engineer couldn't see him, and turned his attention to those at the helm – Sulu and Chekov. "Where are we?"

Sulu grimaced. "Sitting ducks in the Neutral Zone at least half an hour away from the Klingon border."

Jim grit his teeth, hating the situation as it stood. If anyone happened to come across them while they were out of commission, it would be easy to take advantage, whether that was taking hostages or simply destroying the ship.

Scotty sounded nearly apologetic when he chimed in again. "I don't think we'll be able to fix this soon, sir. Give me a few hours, maybe I'll be able to work something out."

"I'm not sure we have that," Jim murmured, but he was already straightening up and looking around at the rest of the crew on the Bridge. They all stared back, their expressions clearly telling him that they trusted him to get them out of this alive and relatively unhurt.

With a deep steadying breath, Jim nodded, just once. "Spock, Uhura, you're with me. Sulu, wait until we're gone, then issue a long-range communication, tell Harrison that we're coming for him. If he refuses to cooperate, we'll unleash the entire arsenal of long-range torpedoes and blow him off the map."

Sulu gulped. "How am I supposed to do that?" he asked hesitantly.

Jim gave him a slight smile that did little to reassure the pilot. "Bluff your ass off."

One more comm. down to Security to have Hendorff and Aarons meet them in the shuttle bay, and he left the Bridge, Spock and Uhura trailing quickly behind.

Sulu swallowed harshly and stood up, taking the Captain's seat shakily. Chekov gave him a comforting smile before turning back to his console.

**XXX**

Jim, Spock, and Uhura stopped by their rooms quickly to change into something that didn't scream Starfleet, before heading down to the shuttle bay, where they met the Security officers.

Jim tossed them a bag and gestured for them to remove their uniforms. When they looked at him, confused, he raised an eyebrow. "We're about to deliberately violate a peace treaty. Unless you want to start a war, I'd suggest you ditch anything that highlights your line of work."

They nodded in understanding, and moved away to ditch the red shirts for something more understated.

While they waited, Uhura turned to her Captain, shifting nervously. "Jim, why am I here? You speak Klingon better than I do."

Jim glanced at her and smirked. "Silent but deadly." Uhura cocked an eyebrow, not amused, and Jim's smile widened. "You're unassuming, Nyota. This is one time we can be thankful for sexism. Anyone we run into won't immediately think of you as a threat, which gives us an advantage. They've never seen you in the ring before."

Uhura blinked, surprised, but then she nodded in understanding. She hadn't thought about it like that, but it made sense. She was smaller, and would be seen as weaker, but Jim was right. She knew how to hold her own in a fight and that could come in handy if everything went to hell like it was bound to do at some point. They really didn't have great luck when it came to uneventful missions.

Hendorff and Aarons returned, and they all boarded the shuttle quietly. The shuttle itself was inconspicuous, and even better, it had no link to Starfleet. The _Enterprise_ had stumbled across a smuggling ring shortly before the end of their last mission, and had confiscated the shuttle when they had arrested the five criminals. Jim had been intending to turn it over to Starfleet at some point, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. Fortunate in light of current events, because they now had an available shuttle that wouldn't read as a Starfleet vessel on scans.

**XXX**

It took nearly an hour to reach the airspace around Qo'nos, and almost half of that to descend into the atmosphere.

And roughly five minutes to be caught by a Klingon patrol and pursued to the outskirts of the quadrant, where they were quickly surrounded and forced to descend.

Jim let out a slow breath as he observed the situation, considering their options. There weren't many.

After a moment, he jerked his head towards the shuttle door. "Uhura, with me. Everyone else stay here for now."

Spock didn't seem to be pleased, but he didn't contradict the orders, as Jim and Uhura left the relative safety of the shuttle.

The two made their way quickly but confidently down the steps and the few yards to where five Klingons were waiting, all holding weapons in tight grips that said they weren't afraid to fire them if necessary.

Jim allowed himself only a small steadying breath before they came to a halt in front of the unfriendly patrol, and then portrayed only a composed calm, no matter how uncertain he may feel inside. " _I apologize for our uncouth intrusion into your sovereign territory,_ " he said graciously, hoping for an amicable exchange, but not expecting it.

The Klingon glared. " _You are trespassing far outside your airspace, pig. I should just shoot you like the dog you are._ "

Most of the Klingons around him nodded in agreement, though Jim thought he saw a trace of uncertainty on some, hopefully because they didn't want to get into an altercation with Starfleet, but more likely because he had thrown them off guard with his mastery of their language.

Jim grimaced lightly. " _We have been tracking a criminal, wanted for the murder of multiple Starfleet citizens. We received intelligence that he has retreated to this quadrant of your home world, to hide._ "

The Klingon spit on the ground distastefully. " _Starfleet pigs killing Starfleet pigs. Why should we care?_ "

Jim frowned minutely. " _Because Klingons believe in honor. This man has none._ "

The Klingon let out a low growl and took a step forward, lifting the gun slightly.

Before he could make any further movement however, someone called out, halting his actions. Jim looked over, and felt himself relax a fraction, seeing K'Temoc making his way towards them, at the front of yet another group. Jim recognized a few of the Klingons who had been with K'Temoc on Tarsus.

The first Klingon leveled a harsh glare at K'Temoc. " _Go back to your patrol. This doesn't concern you._ "

K'Temoc met the glare head-on. " _What concerns our future concerns me. We cannot stay the same forever, Kladesh. We must grow and thrive._ "

Kladesh tilted his head arrogantly. " _We grow by conquering. We grow in battle._ "

K'Temoc shook his head. " _There are other ways to gain honor._ "

Kladesh looked like he was gearing up to do something – either continue arguing, or perhaps shoot K'Temoc to shut him up – but a rain of phaser fire cut off whatever plan he may have been preparing to enact.

Jim grabbed Uhura and threw them to the side, diving for cover behind a large boulder. The Klingons likewise scattered, bringing their phasers up to return the fire.

A quick glance at their surroundings told Jim that the attack was coming from a cluster of rocks on the far side of the small clearing they had landed in; the Klingons seemed to spot this as well and were attempting to handle the problem.

Spock and the two Security officers joined them a moment later, crouching low and holding their phasers tightly. Jim glanced at them briefly, but didn't let the new arrivals hold his attention for long. He was too busy trying to get a lock on Harrison, who appeared to have moved from his last position.

Three of the Klingons from the patrol that had stopped them were down, likely dead or almost there – Jim wouldn't hold out any hope that Harrison's phaser was set to stun.

K'Temoc quickly fell into step when Jim stood up, his guards falling in behind; the Starfleet officers and the Klingons formed a half circle formation, as the last two Klingons from the first patrol fell to the ground, each one taking several hits to the chest.

There was a sudden ceasefire, and Jim straightened slightly, feeling taken aback by the eerie silence.

Suddenly a dark blur dropped down in front of the group, and Harrison dropped his phaser, hands up in a nonthreatening gesture, though his expression was slightly mocking. "I surrender," he said, his piercing gaze fixed on Jim.

Jim nodded shortly, and gestured for Spock and the Security officers to take him to the shuttle. After a moment's hesitation, Uhura joined them, though not without giving Jim a searching look as she walked away.

Jim almost let out a soft sigh of relief, before he caught himself and refocused his attention.

K'Temoc was watching him intently. " _What happens now?"_ the Klingon asked.

Jim grimaced. " _I'm not entirely sure,"_ he admitted. " _I am sorry for your fallen comrades, and I thank you for your assistance. I did not intend for you to put yourself in danger when I called you a few days ago._ " Jim bit his lip, and glanced back at the shuttle. Everyone was already on board, and just waiting for him. _"For now, I would suggest you return to your clan leaders and inform them of what happened. It might behoove you all to be prepared._ "

K'Temoc frowned. " _What do you mean?_ "

Jim swallowed, his mind already racing through implications and possibilities. " _Harrison escaping here was no mistake. He chose Qo'nos for a reason, and I highly doubt it was simply because he thought we wouldn't pursue him to Klingon space. I'm worried there may be a bigger play. If I'm right, then this,_ " he gestured to the fallen Klingons around them, " _is just the beginning._ "

K'Temoc looked disturbed, but he nodded and watched as Jim headed back to his shuttle.

The Starfleet crew was quick to head out, getting back to the _Enterprise_ as quickly as was possible. Harrison didn't say a word through the entire trip, or the during the walk down to the brig, escorted by the half dozen Security officers that met them in the shuttle bay.

Jim and Spock left Harrison there, and returned to the Bridge, where Jim commed Scotty for an update.

The Engineer sounded exhausted but determined to the Captain's ears. "We're still working on it, sir," he said grimly. "For the moment though, we're really not going anywhere. There was a coolant leak; it took us a while to find, but until we repair it, we won't be moving with any kind of speed."

Jim nodded slightly, and signed off. Straightening up, he looked at Spock. "Let's go see what our prisoner has to say for himself," he said dryly. "Sulu, you've got the con." He led the Vulcan towards the 'lift, but stopped before he got on, and turned back to the pilot, who was once more occupying the Captain's chair. "And nice work, with the threat."

Sulu smiled his thanks, as the Captain and First Officer disappeared into the 'lift.

McCoy met them in the brig, and Jim waited while the Doctor took a blood sample from the strangely willing prisoner, before he began asking questions. He wanted to know what was going on; he hated being in the dark. And he wanted to know why Harrison had focused his attack on the Klingons. Why hadn't he tried to kill any of the Starfleet officers?

Harrison infuriatingly ignored his questions. "Why aren't we moving?" he asked curiously, looking entirely unfazed. "Could it be a problem with the warp core?"

McCoy looked startled. "How the hell did you know that?"

Jim glanced at him sharply. "Bones."

McCoy flinched slightly at the subtle reproach, but Harrison was already answering, his expression almost gleeful. "It's no coincidence, is it, Captain."

He clearly seemed to expect some sort of reaction, but Jim didn't appear surprised. It was no more than he had been suspecting. Something was definitely off with this whole assignment – of course their ship would break down during a run-in with Klingons, leaving them stranded in enemy space with no way of escaping. "Why did you open fire at Starfleet Headquarters? You managed a clean escape from the bombing in London, why come to San Francisco and risk getting caught?"

Harrison didn't look thrilled that he wasn't getting more of a reaction, but he continued on, his voice almost emotionless, though there was a small hint of regret behind the empty gaze that almost startled Jim.

"It was not my aim to cause so much damage," he admitted. "My intended target was Marcus. I was… angry."

"Because you were dishonorably discharged?" Jim asked curiously. "Why blame Marcus for that? I'm sure whatever happened, you had some role in it."

Harrison glared. "Do not believe that fool's lies," he growled, showing real emotion for the first time in the conversation. "The discharge was Marcus' cover. I am a genetically augmented human; I have been working for Section 31 for years. Codename: Khan. You might have heard of me."

Jim's mouth twitched downward minutely, the only sign that he did in fact recognize the name. McCoy looked confused, while Spock's blank expression didn't give anything away, but Jim knew that the codename meant nothing to the Vulcan. The only reason he even recognized it was because he had gotten bored one day, and done a little snooping into Intelligence's classified files. The asset 'Khan' was responsible for bringing down quite a few of Starfleet's deadliest enemies.

Harrison was still speaking. "The discharge was Marcus' way of getting me into deeper cover. But he was using me for his own gain, and I wanted none of it anymore."

Jim pursed his lips. "Augmented humans aren't allowed to serve in Starfleet, specifically because they have a habit of being unable to rein themselves in when they get upset or angry."

Harrison shrugged. "You will have to take that rule up with Marcus. He streamlined my acceptance, he took charge of my training. He wanted me in Starfleet, so here I am."

Jim was about to ask another question, but was interrupted when his comm. went off. He stepped away and answered the call from Carol, who implored him to come down to the weapons bay as soon as he could. "I think we've found something you'll want to see," she said grimly.

Jim didn't waste any time. "Spock, Bones, go back to work. I'll be back on the Bridge soon."

He spared one last glance at Harrison, who was watching him knowingly, before he headed to the 'lift.

Carol was waiting for him as soon as he exited the 'lift, and didn't waste any time in bringing him up to speed. "These torpedoes are far more advanced than anything Starfleet should be capable of," she said briskly, leading him to the nearest weapon. "I knew my father was working on some sort of weapons project, but I had no idea how advanced it really was." She glanced up at Jim worriedly, and pushed a few buttons to open a small window into the torpedo. "I read the reports after Nero, five years ago. Jim, the technology in these torpedoes is eerily similar to what he used to destroy Vulcan."

Jim glanced at the opening on the weapon, and saw what looked to be a clear container containing some sort of red liquid. He remembered seeing something like it when he and Spock had gone on board the alternate reality Spock's ship on the _Narada_.

Carol bit her lip. "We wouldn't have needed all seventy-two. One or two of these would have completely wiped Qo'nos out of existence."

Jim grimaced, his eyes hardening at the realization of what Section 31 had been doing. What had prompted them to spend the last five years recreating the weapon Nero had used in his attempt to wipe out Starfleet and the Federation? God damn it, what idiot thought that it was a good idea to have that red matter lying around where anyone could stumble across it and use it?

"How are they detonated?" he asked curiously, wondering if they needed to be worried about the missiles going off with them unawares.

Carol grimaced and held out a PADD. "Good news is they won't go off accidentally. It takes a specific activation code for them to detonate. I deciphered the code, and wrote an algorithm to jam the frequency; even if someone does try to set them off, it won't work."

Jim glanced at the PADD, and nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Carol," he said quietly, keeping the apprehension out of his voice. "You should get back to the Bridge. And be ready. I have a feeling things are about to get a hell of a lot worse."

Carol nodded in reply, and Jim quickly headed back down to the brig.

Harrison was waiting expectantly, and Jim didn't allow himself to feel annoyance for the man who clearly seemed to feel no strain from being locked up. "What do you know about those torpedoes," he asked grimly, and the tone of voice clearly indicated that it wasn't a question. Harrison knew something.

Indeed, the man smirked slightly. "I was part of the team that designed them," he informed the Captain. "Beautifully devastating, capable of destroying an entire planet in one go. Makes you wonder why Admiral Marcus would commission something like that, doesn't it?" Jim glared, and Harrison let out a long-suffering sigh, pushing off the far wall and walking up to the clear glass that blocked his access to the rest of the room. "After the attack five years ago, Marcus put us to studying the effects of the red matter, determining how it worked and how to replicate it."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Why commit treason then, if you were working on Marcus' orders? What did he gain by setting up your discharge? What was his purpose?"

Harrison shrugged. "We all have our reasons. Perhaps it was a calculated movement on Marcus' part. Perhaps I was asking too many questions. Perhaps I was tired of being a puppet. Or perhaps it was all part of his plan."

Jim was quiet for a moment. "Why Qo'nos?" he asked.

Harrison just looked at him stoically. "I believe you already know the answer to that, Captain."

Jim nodded grimly. "So Marcus wants a war."

Harrison returned the nod, his expression now showing something that could almost be called guilt. "You had orders to fire the torpedoes at the Klingon home world. Your warp core was intentionally sabotaged, leaving you vulnerable in enemy airspace with no escape."

"And the Klingons would certainly retaliate," Jim finished. "They would destroy us, and Starfleet would take action in response, for the destruction of their flagship. We would be looking at full-fledged war within a day."

He was actually impressed with Marcus' plan. Or at least, he would be, if it didn't involve the death of his crew and a lot of other innocent people.

Jim looked back up and met Harrison's knowing gaze. "I'll be back," he promised, before heading to his quarters, and setting up a secure commlink to Archer as quickly as he could, enabling every encryption he knew, including several he had learned from the Vulcans. No one outside him and Jon would be able to track this conversation, or hear any part of it.

It only took a few seconds for Jon to answer, and he was alone in his office. Jon was frowning as the screen cleared, obviously concerned. "Jim, please tell me everything hasn't gone completely to hell."

Jim grimaced and spent a few minutes explaining their situation. "Is there anything you need to tell me?"

Jon sighed. "We've been continuing our investigation. I think this is bigger than what we thought, Jim. We found evidence of communication between Marcus and Komack, going back years. Marcus was head of Starfleet Intelligence, and his and Komack's departments shouldn't cross. There shouldn't be any reason for them to be interacting on the scale that they seem to be."

Jim was silent for a few moments, considering what he had heard and thinking of the implications. "Do we know what Komack's role is in all of this?" he asked finally. "I don't think I'm grasping at straws when I say that Marcus has somehow manipulated this whole situation and for some reason, he wants a war with the Klingons. But what part does Komack play?"

Jon bit his lip. "We're not entirely sure," he admitted. "From the records, Marcus initiated the contact, shortly after the _Enterprise_ began its five-year mission."

"Right after Komack gained control of the flagship," Jim said grimly.

Jon nodded. "I think he wanted the _Enterprise_ for something, since that's pretty much the only thing Komack has that Marcus couldn't get on his own. We've been keeping an eye on both of them, ever since you left. A few hours ago, Marcus went off the radar. He went into his office, and when he didn't come out after an hour, I had someone check on him. He's gone."

Jim rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. He could see something of Marcus' plan coming together, but it wasn't all there yet.

Jon looked at him knowingly. "Work it out with me, Jim. Talk me through whatever you're thinking."

Jim sighed. "My instinct says Komack's not really involved. He's more of a front man, the Admiral in charge of the _Enterprise_ who could potentially take the fall if something were to go wrong. I don't think he knows what Marcus is planning, he just sees a superior looking to him for assistance. He sees a way up the ladder for him. If Marcus hadn't needed the _Enterprise_ , he would never have contacted Komack in the first place. And Marcus wants us to start his war."

Jon grit his teeth as he inclined his head. "I agree." He glanced down, and then back up, his expression apologetic. "The _Yorktown_ 's on its way to assist. I'm sorry I can't do much more from here. Chris is on the _Yorktown_ though, he refused to even consider staying behind, even though his paperwork officially assigning him to the ship hasn't come through yet."

Jim let out a small laugh. "Sounds about right." He sobered. "Thanks, Jon. We'll do the best we can to fix the ship and get back safe. If anything changes, please let me know."

Jon smiled slightly. "Will do."

Jim signed off and headed back to the Bridge, taking his seat with a silent groan, feeling exhausted, and knowing that they were still so far from out of the woods.

It was only a few minutes later that Sulu informed him of an incoming ship. "It's not coming from Klingon space, Captain," the Pilot said, turning in his seat.

Jim leaned forward. "Do we know anything about it?"

Sulu frowned, glancing back at his console. "It's advanced, sir. They're coming in fast, not trying to hide their approach at all."

Jim bit his lip, considering his options for a few seconds, before nodding decisively. "Shields up."

Less than two minutes later, their view of the stars was obstructed by a large ship dropping out of warp directly in front of them.

"Captain, we're being hailed," Uhura said from her station.

Jim nodded. "On screen." He glanced over at her. "Open a shipwide comm. too, Lieutenant. Just in case."

Uhura inclined her head in understanding, and a moment later, the screen blurred, and Marcus was staring down at all of them, from his seat on the Bridge of the other ship.

Marcus glared at Jim in disapproval. "You should have reported back by now, Captain Kirk. Why haven't you confirmed Harrison's death?"

Jim tried to keep his expression neutral and his voice bland and courteous, with none of the anger he felt seeping through. "I apologize, Admiral. Our mission changed unexpectedly. We were able to take Harrison into custody, and we will return him to Earth where he will stand trial for his actions."

Marcus' scowl deepened. "You've been compromised, Kirk. Hand Harrison over immediately and maybe I won't write you up for insubordination."

Carol stood up, moving to stand next to Jim. She couldn't believe this man was her father. Sure, he hadn't always been the kindest or most present parent, but she would never have thought him capable of such acts. "Admiral, please, you can't do this."

Marcus transferred his glare to her. "Stay out of this, Lieutenant." He looked back at Jim. "Kirk, you have two minutes to hand over the criminal, or I will commence my attack and take him myself, with no regard to anyone who gets in my way."

Carol gulped. Her father had never spoken to her like that before. "Dad, I know you think what you're doing is right, but you're talking about destroying the _Enterprise._ And if you do that, you'll have to do it with me on board." She stopped talking abruptly. Would he do it? Was he so set in his plan that he would destroy Starfleet's flagship with his daughter on board?

Perhaps if the situation weren't so dire, people would have reacted more to the revelation that Lieutenant Wallace had just called Admiral Marcus 'dad'. But they were in too much trouble right now to actually think about that.

Marcus shook his head. "That's where you're wrong. You'll come to see I'm right soon enough."

Carol gasped, and then looked at Jim, surprised. "Oh!" A beam of light surrounded her, and she disappeared from the Bridge.

"Carol!" Jim took a half step forward, but Marcus was talking again, his gaze haughty and cocksure.

"Captain Kirk, for consorting with the known criminal Harrison and committing treason, I have no choice but to sentence you and your crew to death."

He cut the transmission, and Jim immediately bent over his armrest, opening a comm. to Engineering. "Scotty, please tell me the problem's fixed."

"Not quite," Scotty responded, sounding apologetic.

Jim grit his teeth. "Can we make the jump to warp?"

"I wouldn't advise it," was the regretful reply.

Jim shook his head slightly. "We might have no choice."

"Captain, they're locking weapons," Ensign Harrish called out from his spot at the Tactical station – he had taken over for Carol after she had been beamed off the ship.

Jim mentally groaned. Why couldn't things ever be easy? "Jump to warp. We'll deal with everything else later."

Sulu and Chekov complied, and the stars blurred as the ship made the jump.

Jim winced as he felt the ship shudder slightly. They were pushing her too hard, and he really hoped they didn't completely destroy the core. One long trip back to Earth with no warp core was more than enough for a single lifetime.

"Uhura, contact the _Yorktown_ and let them know what's going on."

"Yes, Captain," the Communications officer replied, and immediately turned to do so.

A few minutes later, she signed off and turned back to the center of the Bridge. "Captain One says they're going as fast as they can, but they're still hours away."

Jim nodded. "Sulu, Chekov, keep us as steady as possible." He commed Scotty again. "Let me know if the core's about to die, but do the best you can down there."

The Engineer didn't sound happy as he replied, "Aye, aye, sir. No promises that we can avoid catastrophic failure, but I'll do my best."

Jim nodded and signed off, before sinking down in his seat slightly. He hated the fact that they were warping away from Carol right now, but he had to hold on to the belief that she would be fine. Marcus wouldn't harm his daughter, right? Just the fact that he had beamed her off the _Enterprise_ before attempting to destroy it showed that he didn't want her hurt. As soon as Chris and the _Yorktown_ arrived, they would face Marcus and get Carol back.

It was a tense few hours. No one spoke much, waiting for something to happen.

And it finally did, almost four hours after their meeting with Marcus. The ship rocked violently, falling out of warp with a loud bang.

They rocked again, and then the view of the stars was once more obscured by Marcus' ship.

Several more shots, and only a few people were still in their seats, the rest having fallen to the floor.

Sudden silence descended, and everyone climbed shakily to their feet.

Jim picked himself up and brushed off a line of blood trailing from above his eye – he had knocked his head on the armrest on his way down. "Damage report?"

"Shields at six percent," was the call from Tactical.

"Weapons systems offline," Chekov added, grimacing as he tried to patch together something that would let them fire. He wasn't having much luck.

"Hull damage in sector eight," was another report. "We take another hit to that part of the ship and that could be it. Damage reports on decks nine, twelve, thirteen, sixteen, and eighteen."

"Why'd they stop firing?" Chekov asked quietly, almost to himself.

Jim grimaced, not understanding either. But he would bet that there was someone on this ship who might have an idea. "Spock, meet me in the transporter room in about five minutes."

He took off for the brig at a brisk walk. Harrison was sitting against the far wall, but he looked up and smirked at Jim as he walked in.

"What can you tell me about Marcus' ship?" the Captain asked brusquely.

Harrison shrugged. "Dreadnaught Class, twice as big, three times as fast as a Constitution Class. Made to be run by minimal crew, one if necessary. Section 31 has been working on it for years."

Jim pursed his lips. "Why did it stop its attack?"

Harrison nodded slightly. "Small design flaw that wasn't able to be fixed, and Marcus got tired of waiting. The weapons can only be fired continuously for so long before the system needs to recharge."

"How long do we have?"

Harrison's smirk faltered slightly. "Ten minutes at most."

Jim took a deep breath. "OK, here's the deal. I want you to pay for the lives you took. I understand why you made the choices you did, though I can pretty much say with certainty that they were the wrong ones. But right now, I need your help."

Harrison looked interested. "What's in it for me?"

Jim glared. "I'm working with more reliable and honest Admirals than Marcus. You help us, and I might be able to get you a better deal than Marcus would offer." He sighed. "You might not be inherently evil, but people can make bad decisions when they don't see another way out."

Harrison seemed to consider that for a minute, and then nodded shortly. "Very well, Captain."

Jim jerked his head, and gestured for the Security officer on guard to let Harrison out. Lieutenant Krill called for a team of officers, and waited until they had arrived before he cut the security system and opened the door to the cell. Jim led Harrison and the Security team out of the brig, barely stopping as he grabbed a PADD from Lieutenant Krill, and began typing furiously as he maneuvered the group down the hall to the 'lift.

Spock was waiting when they arrived in the transporter room. "Captain, are you certain about this?" the Vulcan asked, his gaze resting briefly on the prisoner; though his expression remained stoic, it successfully conveyed his displeasure with the situation.

Jim shrugged and looked at Harrison. "Any useful information you want to share?"

Harrison looked amused. "The Engineering bay should be empty."

Jim nodded, typed in a few more numbers on the PADD, and handed it to Spock. "Use that equation to boost the transporters. It should get through the ship's security as a one-time measure, before they realize what we're doing."

Spock studied the code in front of him and nodded. It would do the trick, enhancing their transporters' capabilities, which had been damaged in Marcus' attack.

Jim gestured for Harrison to get on the transporter pad.

" _Jim, are you certain this is the only option?_ " Spock asked once more, switching to Vulcan for some measure of privacy.

Jim sighed and shook his head slightly. " _No, but I don't see an alternative,_ " he admitted ruefully. " _Just… keep an eye out. We'll be back."_

Spock nodded. " _Jim… Be careful._ "

Jim mustered up a small grin at that, and stepped up onto the pad. "Energize," he ordered, and a moment later, he and Harrison disappeared.


	24. Chapter 24

They materialized in an empty Engineering bay, just like Harrison had said. Jim handed the criminal a phaser and prepared his own to be ready to fire if necessary.

"It's locked to stun," he informed the augmented human.

Harrison glanced at the phaser. "Theirs won't be."

Jim shrugged, already moving towards the end of the bay. "So don't get shot."

If he had looked back, he would have seen the ghost of a smile cross Harrison's face, as he moved to follow the Captain.

They avoided the 'lifts on their way up, knowing that those were easily tracked, and didn't offer any escape paths if they got trapped.

They met two people about halfway to the Bridge, but swiftly dealt with the opposition. Jim was satisfied to see that Harrison could at least handle himself in a fight.

Jim was incredibly relieved to see Carol once they made it to the Bridge. She was standing off to one side, a mercenary holding onto one arm with a tight grip. She looked pissed, but unhurt.

Jim and Harrison entered firing, and within fifteen seconds, the three mercenaries were down, leaving Marcus unaided. The Admiral remained cool and collected in his seat at the center of the Bridge. Jim noted his position, before looking at his girlfriend.

"You all right?" Jim asked worriedly, as Carol rubbed the arm that had been locked in the mercenary's grip.

She looked up and smiled thinly. "I'm fine, Captain." She remained formal and professional, even though all she wanted to do was run to her boyfriend and hug him as tightly as she could.

Jim nodded stoically, and turned his attention back to the Admiral. "Admiral Marcus, by order of Admiral Archer, I am placing you under arrest for treason. Please do not resist."

Marcus glared. "You don't want to do this Kirk. War is coming, and we need to be prepared."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Admiral, shut up. War isn't as inevitable as you seem to think, and this conflict is all on you. The Klingons don't want to fight the Federation any more than the Federation wants to fight them."

Marcus shook his head. "You're wrong, Kirk, and that kind of thinking is going to kill us all. I'm the one thinking about our future! We need to be ready."

"Get out of the chair, Admiral," Jim said grimly.

Marcus didn't look like he intended to comply, but before any further action could be taken, Harrison cold cocked Jim with his phaser, causing the Captain to drop, gasping for air.

Carol let out a stunned cry and tried to move to Jim's side, but Harrison hit her as well, and she fell to the floor with a loud thud. Harrison stomped on her leg and they could all hear a loud crack as the bone broke. Carol cried out again.

Jim tried to get his feet under him and focus around the stars and black spots in his vision, but all he managed to do was get on his knees. He glanced over at Carol to make sure she was all right. The Lieutenant nodded slightly to his silent inquiry, and they refocused their attention on Harrison, who was now standing by the Captain's chair. Marcus was dangling from several inches off the floor, his neck firmly clasped in Harrison's hands.

The criminal looked over at Jim, his face expressionless. "I'm not going to a penal colony, Captain."

"Wait –" Jim started, but Harrison twisted harshly, and with a resounding crack that echoed across the Bridge, Marcus dropped to the floor, his neck broken.

Carol gasped, her eyes wide with shock, but she forced herself not to make any further motion. She didn't really like her chances of taking the man on with a broken leg.

Jim coughed harshly, trying to force himself to focus; he definitely had a concussion. Harrison opened up a channel and waited for the communication to connect, simultaneously dragging the still gasping Jim in front of the screen so that when the image cleared, showing the Bridge on the _Enterprise_ , Jim's crew was greeted to the sight of their Captain in a near death grip.

Spock stepped forward, startled by the turn of events, before he managed to catch himself. "What is this?"

Harrison leered at the Vulcan. "I am going to take this ship and leave. You will not follow, or I will kill your Captain."

Jim struggled to meet Spock's gaze across the screen. "Spock don't do it –"

Harrison hit him again, and he fell. Several people on the _Enterprise_ 's Bridge made sounds of distress, but there was nothing they could do.

Harrison smiled thinly. "I could target your life support systems, Commander, to ensure you do not follow. But I wouldn't want to do anything rash."

He signed off without waiting for a reply, and seemed to watch Jim's struggle to get vertical with amusement, before a noise from the entrance distracted him, and he felt the impact of an attempted stun hit his back.

He turned around as several more hits came, and smiled, entertained by the attempt.

Chris was standing at the front of a group of officers, his phaser raised as he continued to fire.

Jim looked up, relieved to see the assistance, but Harrison just wouldn't succumb to the onslaught of phaser fire. He maneuvered his way around the console, grabbed Jim, and hauled him to his feet with ease. His own phaser pressed firmly into Jim's shoulder, right at the base of his neck.

"Lower your weapons," he stated calmly, as if he wasn't looking down the business end of half a dozen phasers.

Jim shook his head. "Don't –"

Harrison dug his phaser in harder, looking displeased for the first time. "I'm going to leave here a free man. Do not push me."

He slowly worked his way around the room, keeping Jim between him and everyone else; Chris motioned for the officers that had come with him to move, leaving the exit clear.

Harrison turned and walked out backwards, so that Jim would still be between them. He paused on the threshold, and smirked at the group of officers. "I thank you for your cooperation." He then fired his phaser and let go of Jim as the Captain dropped like a stone; before the Starfleet officers could do more than blink, he turned and ran down the hall.

"Go!" Chris yelled, and the Security officers took off after the criminal.

Chris quickly ran to Jim's side, searching desperately for a pulse. It took him a few moments, and when he finally found it, it was weak and irregular. But it was there.

Chris sighed, relieved, and looked over at Carol, who was attempting to stand and make her way over to her boyfriend. "He's breathing," the Admiral assured her.

Carol swallowed harshly and slumped down a little, abandoning her attempt to move, since it really wasn't going so well.

Chris took a deep breath and turned his attention back to Jim, not sharing any of his other concerns as he continued to hold two fingers to Jim's pulse point on his right wrist. Even though he could feel the pulse beating, however irregularly, he knew what damage could have been done. The phaser may have been set to stun, but it had been fired at close contact range, and that could cause serious damage to a person's heart and nervous system.

Jim coughed and groaned, shifting slightly as he came around. He blinked blearily in the harsh light of the Bridge, but seemed to relax minutely under Chris' gentle grip.

"Calm down, Jim. You're fine, Carol's fine. Just sit tight."

The Security officers returned, and Chris straightened to get a report.

"He managed to get to the transporter room, Admiral," one said succinctly. "He's gone."

Jim started to struggle to his feet, despite Chris' protests that he stay on the floor. He ignored the Admiral to grope his way towards the console, using the equipment for support without trying to make it look like he was unable of walking on his own.

"Did you check the location of the transport?" Jim asked, his voice rough and winded as he glanced back at the Security officer. He coughed weakly, trying to get rid of the obvious sounds of pain in his voice.

The man shook his head. "We came right back here, Captain."

Jim nodded slightly, ignoring the spike of pain that flared up at the movement, and started typing, looking for the last transport location. He read the coordinates with a raised eyebrow. He had not been expecting that. He ignored Chris once again, and opened up a commlink, typing in a sequence and waiting for the call to connect.

The screen cleared a few moments later, and a Klingon peered down at them in apparent confusion. "Captain Kirk? I trust your situation is resolving itself?"

Jim grimaced. "K'Temoc. We lost him, but the transporter location indicates he went back to Qo'nos. Same location that we tracked him to before." His voice still sounded pretty winded, but he had more important things to focus on at the moment.

K'Temoc scowled. "Thank you for the information. I will get a patrol out there immediately."

Jim tried to smile gratefully, but wasn't sure it came out right. "I'm sorry. Things got a little out of hand."

K'Temoc's expression lightened minutely, and he inclined his head. "I appreciate your contacting me. I'll try to let you know when we capture him."

Jim's smile this time was a hair more genuine, and hopefully didn't show the pain currently shooting up and down his body. He felt like he was being electrocuted.

K'Temoc signed off, and Jim turned around, ignoring the looks he was being given by Chris and the Security officers. He maintained his vertical stance by leaning heavily against the console. "Please tell me you being here means the _Yorktown_ is as well."

Chris nodded quickly. "We beamed over as soon as we were within range, but they should be arriving in the next few minutes."

Jim turned back to the comm. "Good." He called Shay and was relieved when she picked up after just a few seconds.

Shay looked stressed, but comforted to see them relatively unhurt.

Jim swallowed harshly, shutting out the pain. "Shay, I am so glad to see you. We're going to need a little help getting back."

She grinned. "Apparently that's the _Yorktown_ 's job, right?"

They both smiled a little at the remembrance of Shay giving them a tow back to Earth after Nero and the _Narada_.

"We'll begin setting up a tow line and should be on our way within the hour." Shay paused briefly. "What about the ship you're on?"

Chris leaned over. "I'll get it back to Earth and figure out what to do from there."

Shay nodded. "Good. Let me know if there's anything more we can do."

Jim bit his lip, thinking through the situation. "We might need to transfer some of our injured over to your Medbay. I don't know the full scope of the situation, but I can guarantee things aren't looking too pretty over there. We've got damage on multiple decks, and the hull has been compromised. We sealed off all the affected areas, but there's probably a lot of injuries that'll need attention."

Shay nodded again. "Anything you need." She signed off, and Jim relaxed slightly, gripping the console as tightly as he was able, but the tingling feeling in his left arm was getting stronger.

Chris moved in smoothly. "Why don't we get you somewhere with a functioning Medbay. You're running completely on adrenaline now, but as soon as that runs out, you're going to remember that you just got hit with a phaser on a high powered stun at point blank range, and you're going to crash."

Jim thought about protesting, but then he realized that he couldn't actually feel the left side of his body, and his heart was thumping rather painfully in his chest. He knew Chris was right, so he nodded slightly. "We should get back to the _Enterprise_ ," he said, looking at Carol.

Chris gestured for one of his officers to help the woman up, knowing that Jim wanted to, but was sensibly refraining from moving away from the only thing holding him upright.

Carol met Jim's worried gaze with a painful grimace. "I'm fine, Jim. Promise."

Jim didn't look completely convinced, but didn't argue, and with the air of someone setting himself for something unpleasant, pushed himself off the console, following Carol and the Security officer as they left the Bridge and headed towards the transporter room.

Chris told the remaining officers to begin preparing the ship to leave, and quickly returned to Jim's side, waiting for the inevitable crash. He wondered briefly if he should insist they go to the _Yorktown_ instead, but dismissed the idea almost as soon as he had had it. McCoy was the only doctor Jim trusted. It didn't matter if the _Enterprise_ 's Medbay was burning down around them, Jim would still insist on going there.

About halfway to the transporter room, Jim stumbled into the wall, and Chris grabbed his arm lightly, helping him the rest of the way.

Jim didn't like admitting that he needed the help, but he didn't think he'd actually make it without the assistance, so he let Chris provide it.

They reached the transporter room, and Chris sent them back to the _Enterprise_ , before he and the officer that had helped Carol headed back to the Bridge.

**XXX**

Jim was able to keep Carol vertical while the transporter had a lock on them, but as soon as they materialized on the pad, he gestured for the tech to come give him a hand.

Ensign Hallel immediately moved to take on Carol's weight from the Captain, and helped her down the hall.

Carol glanced back. "Jim, you should get some help too."

Jim shook his head grimly. "I'm fine." It was clearly a lie, as was evidenced by the fact that he wouldn't have even made it this far if he hadn't been using the wall for support.

He knew that Carol didn't believe him, but she was too focused on keeping herself upright to argue with him.

Medical was crowded and very busy when they arrived. Jim gestured for the tech to get Carol onto a nearby empty bed before heading back to his post, and then leaned against the bed wearily.

Carol reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Jim, please, you need help."

Jim grimaced, rubbing his arm in an attempt to stop the painful tingling. He could feel his body weakening; if he had to describe it, it felt like he was burning and having the blood drained out of his body at the same time.

Carol frowned, seeing him slump slightly, his hands gripping the edge of the biobed tightly. "Jim?" Jim swallowed, and then with a nearly silent groan, his eyes rolled up and he passed out, sinking limply to the floor.

"McCoy!" Carol yelled out, frantically searching the crowded Medbay for the CMO.

The man materialized half a second later, two nurses behind him. "What happened?" he asked brusquely, turning Jim so that he was on his back, and checking for a pulse. His heart thudded painfully as he felt .

"No pulse, get me the defibrillator!" McCoy yelled, and the nurses hurried to comply.

"He was shot," Carol replied quickly, her voice shaking with fear.

McCoy nodded as he ripped Jim's shirt open. He stopped short at the sight of a large burn that covered his shoulder, the bottom part of his neck, and part of his chest. Nurse Chapel was at his side a split second later, attaching pads to Jim's chest and side. The lines on the screen quivered, but his pulse rate was at zero. "V-fib," McCoy frowned, reading the machine worriedly. No matter how scared he was right now, he had to put that all aside. He had to be professional, whatever he felt inside. Jim's life depended on it. "Wait." He stopped Chapel before she could press the button to charge the device. "Epinephrine. Hurry." He began performing chest compressions.

Carol pressed one hand to her mouth, eyes wide. "What's going on?"

McCoy glanced up and tried to muster up a reassuring smile. He was fairly certain he didn't even come close. "That's an electrical burn. How close was that phaser?"

Carol bit her lip. "Pressed against his shoulder." She gestured to the approximate spot she had seen Harrison holding the phaser.

McCoy nodded. "I thought so. His heart's already had too much stress. I can't risk shocking him."

"But –"

Nurse Chapel returned, administering the hypospray quickly. McCoy stopped compressions and held two fingers to Jim's throat, checking. After a moment, he nodded, relieved. "Got a pulse. Get him to OR two."

He helped the nurses get him on a gurney, and rushed them off to the open OR, shouting down the Medbay, "April, I need you!"

April quickly handed the bandage she had been wrapping around a nearby Lieutenant's arm to the closest nurse, and rushed into the OR after McCoy.

Carol watched the door long after they had disappeared, only stirring slightly when a nurse began to set her broken leg.

**XXX**

On the Bridge, Spock felt the unfamiliar sensation of unrest. They hadn't received any more information since Captain One's communication that they had arrived and would begin the process of attaching the tow to get the _Enterprise_ back to Earth. He had no idea what was going on or where Jim was. He did not like this uncertain feeling.

After what felt like eternity, but Spock knew to be forty-six point three minutes, Uhura got his attention. "Sir, the _Yorktown_ is hailing us."

Spock nodded shortly. "On screen."

Shay smiled thinly at the acting Captain. "Commander Spock, we're all set to begin heading back. Admiral Pike will take charge of Marcus' ship."

Spock inclined his head. "Our communication was cut abruptly by Harrison; can you clarify the events that transpired after that moment."

Shay pursed her lips. "I'm not sure exactly. Admiral Pike took a team over to help, and the situation seemed to be resolved over there when they called us. I don't have all the details."

Spock did not allow himself to show any of his concern. "And Captain Kirk?"

Shay frowned. "I thought he was back on the _Enterprise_. He indicated he was going back, and that we might need to help out with some of your injured."

Spock nodded again. "Thank you. Should you need us to make any adjustments to our course, please do not hesitate to inform me."

Shay smiled. "Will do. Shouldn't be too difficult, but let us know if you need any help with anything else."

She signed off, and Spock sat back down, considering what he had learned. If Jim was back on the _Enterprise_ , logic would indicate that he was down at Medical. Harrison had hit Jim over the head at least once, it was entirely feasible that he had allowed himself to be checked over by a qualified medical professional; however, if the Captain's actions over the last five years they had served together was any indication, willingly submitting to medical attention was not Kirk's first priority, no matter how desperately he may need it.

Still, Lieutenant Wallace had also been on the floor when Harrison had commed them. Perhaps the Captain had gone with his girlfriend to ensure her wellbeing? Spock didn't think Jim would put his personal relationship ahead of his duties, but it was the first time Lieutenant Wallace had been seriously injured on duty; it was not beyond reason that he had made an exception in this instance.

"Lieutenant Uhura, please contact Doctor McCoy for an update," he instructed.

Uhura nodded quickly and did so. Everyone on the Bridge waited in anticipation for her report.

The Communications officer signed off several minutes later, and turned around, looking shaken but trying to regain her composure. "Doctor McCoy wasn't available," she said steadily, meeting her boyfriend's gaze with her own worried one. "Nurse Chapel was able to talk for a few minutes. McCoy and Doctor Vanderbilt are in an OR with the Captain right now. She didn't know all the details, but apparently, Captain Kirk collapsed shortly after they arrived in Medbay. He wasn't breathing." There were several surprised or shocked gasps, and Uhura swallowed. "Lieutenant Wallace has a broken leg, but should be fine by tomorrow."

Spock inclined his head stoically, setting aside his distress for the moment. He would allow himself to worry, but only once all necessary duties had been carried out. "Thank you, Lieutenant. Please contact Admiral Archer. We must update Starfleet on the situation."

Uhura nodded, and typed in the commands, transferring the call to the vidscreen.

The screen cleared a moment later, showing Archer sitting behind his desk, looking properly concerned. Spock concisely shared the information he had about the situation, and Jon sighed heavily. "I've spoken with Admiral Pike; Harrison escaped, but we're working on tracking him down. At least, that's what Pike said." He grimaced. "Marcus is dead."

Spock inclined his head. "Captain One has kept us apprised on the coordination with the _Yorktown_. We should return to Earth in approximately six point two days."

Jon nodded. "You will be expected to report for debriefing when you arrive." He paused, and then relaxed slightly, no longer appearing to be the strict Admiral most had come to expect of him on the job. "Chris said Jim had been hurt. How is he?"

"Nurse Chapel reports that he is currently in surgery with Doctors McCoy and Vanderbilt," Spock replied succinctly, noting the Admiral's switch to first names, a sign of his concern for someone the Vulcan knew he thought of as a friend. "I will pass along updates as they arrive."

Jon let out a long breath of air. "Thank you. Please do."

The Admiral signed off, and Spock forced himself to focus on the present situation, and not let his thoughts wander to Medbay and their Captain currently injured and undergoing surgery.

Everyone else on the Bridge settled into their own tasks, assisting the _Yorktown_ in what little way they could, running diagnostics on their departments, and submitting requests for repairs, organized by need and seriousness.

As soon as Uhura finished with her own reports, she fiddled around, trying to keep herself occupied, and her mind not on imagining worst-case scenarios. After a few minutes, she gave into temptation, and placed another call down to Medbay, wanting to speak with Carol.

The nurse gave Carol the comm. and went back to her job, setting up the osteoregenerator to fix the bone in her leg.

"Carol, how are you?" Uhura asked quietly, not wanting to alert anyone to her actions. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she didn't want people to overhear anything she might say or hear before she had a chance to get the story from Carol.

Carol's voice wavered slightly, but she was able to keep herself mostly under control. "I'll be fine, Nyota. My leg's getting set right now, but I should be back on duty tomorrow."

Uhura bit her lip. "And… Jim?"

Carol let out a half sob before she got control. "I'm sorry. I just… I don't know what's going on. They've been in the OR for a while, and I don't know…" Her voice quieted slightly as she whispered, "I'm scared."

Uhura nodded sympathetically. "We're all glad you're all right, and thinking about Jim. Please let us know if there's any update?"

Carol mustered up a small smile. "Will do. It could be a while though." She sniffed, looking down. "Leonard looked worried. What if…"

"I'm sure everything will be fine. This is Jim," Uhura tried to reassure the other woman.

Carol let out a weak laugh. "I know. No one knows how to defy the odds like him." She sighed wearily. "Thanks for calling, Nyota. I guess I'll see you when your shift ends."

Uhura nodded slightly. "See you then."

She signed off, and went back to her duties.

**XXX**

The command crew was surprised when their reliefs arrived five minutes early, but when Spock, normally a stickler for punctuality and preciseness, indicated that they relinquish their posts immediately, they realized that in his desire to ensure their Captain's wellbeing, he had requested that Beta shift arrive early.

As a group, they all headed down to Medbay, finding it still in a state of chaos, but calming down.

They located Carol still on a biobed, the osteoregenerator doing its job and leaving her with little more to do than fret over her boyfriend.

She looked relieved to see the command crew, glad for something to take her mind off of her fear.

"He's still in surgery," she informed them as they circled around her bed. "It's been several hours." She glanced over at the closed door to the operating room.

"How are you?" Sulu asked, reaching out and clasping her hand gently.

Carol attempted a smile. "It's a little painful, but I'll be fine."

"I would like to offer condolences for the loss of your father," Spock intoned, gaze searching.

The others all looked like they weren't sure if they should be sad that the Admiral had died – it was their friend's father, but he had caused so much pain and trouble. They were also a little upset that Carol hadn't told any of them about the connection, and they had had to find out on the Bridge when she called the man 'dad'.

Carol looked around at the small group and somehow knew what they were all thinking. She sighed ruefully. "Thank you, Commander. We weren't that close, but he was my father, I suppose. I use my mother's surname. It makes it easier, and no one thinks I'm using his name to advance my career."

They all nodded their understanding. "I'm sorry," Uhura said, though she looked a little uncomfortable offering sympathies for the death of a man who had ultimately been responsible for so many deaths as well as nearly starting a war with the Klingons.

Carol inclined her head, but it was clear she didn't want to discuss her father anymore, so they all settled in to wait.

"Mr. Scott indicated he would join us in Medical if he is able to resolve the critical issues in Engineering," Spock informed them. A hint of a smile crossed his face, just enough for them to see the amusement. "He felt that Captain Kirk would not forgive him if he 'let the _Enterprise_ fall further into disarray while he took time out of his schedule to stand uselessly in Medbay and wait.'"

Sulu snorted. "Sounds about right. Jim would tell us all to get back to work and stop worrying about him."

"Da," Chekov nodded. "He hates being the center of attention."

"So he should stop getting hurt then," Carol admonished, glaring at the far wall.

There was no arguing with that, so they all fell silent.

It was almost an hour later that they finally saw some indication that McCoy was finishing up.

April left the operating room first, brushing herself off wearily before making her way over to where the command crew was waiting. "He's stable for now," she assured them, but no one felt any relief. The _for now_ at the end of the sentence did a good job of conveying the seriousness of the situation. She sighed and leaned against the bed, grateful for some support. It had been a long afternoon. "I'm not sure how much you know about what happened, but Jim was shot at close contact range with a phaser set to a high powered stun. On that setting, it's basically like an over-powered electrical charge. The optimal range is ten to fifteen feet. Set to stun, phasers work by temporarily overriding the body's nervous system."

She thankfully took a bottle of water that a nurse passed her, and drank half of it in one sip. Setting the water down, she continued. "When these phasers are fired at closer range, they can cause more damage. This one was literally pressed against Jim's shoulder. The electrical shock overrode everything, and his heart stopped. We've had to do a lot of work just to keep it going the last couple hours."

Carol felt a few tears leak from her eyes, but made no move to wipe them away. "What happens now?"

April sighed. "We can't do much more as we are. He needs Starfleet Medical. So for right now, we're keeping him in a sterile room, to lower the risk of infection. His immune system is nonexistent for the moment. We'll get him back on Earth as soon as we can feasibly transport."

"The _Yorktown_ has initiated the tow at the maximum recommended speed. We will arrive at Earth in six days." Even Spock looked shaken by the severity of Jim's condition. "If you will excuse me, I must update Captain One and the Admirals."

He left the room, and Carol turned back to April. "Can I see him?"

April bit her lip. "We can't let anyone in the room. But once the osteoregen's done with your leg, I'll see if we can work something out." She looked at the others. "You should all go get some dinner or something. Please, there's nothing you can do here."

Slowly, giving Carol a last farewell, Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu followed Spock out. Once they were alone, April leveled a weak smile at the young Lieutenant. "I'm sorry, I know how worried you must be. We're doing everything physically possible." She looked down, valiantly trying to hold in her own tears. "Sometimes it's just not enough."

Carol nodded, wiping her tears away. "Thanks, April. If there's any change…"

April grasped her hand tightly. "You'll be the first to know."

She walked away, and Carol could do nothing more than lie there, waiting for the osteoregenerator to finish.

**XXX**

April found McCoy in Jim's room. He was wearing a full sterile suit, to minimize any risk, and he seemed to be almost done setting the machines up, so she waited outside, trying to avoid looking at Jim, so weak and pale and small in the bed. If it weren't for the steady beeping, she wouldn't even be sure he was still alive. The burn that covered most of his right chest and shoulder was protected by a white bandage; right now they were more concerned with his internal organs, not the burn. They could heal it relatively easily, but it would put too much strain on the rest of his body, so they were keeping it clean and dressed, and would address it after they fixed everything else.

McCoy finished, and April watched as his hand ghosted over Jim's, resting there lightly for a brief moment, before he headed for the door. There was a small room where doctors and visitors could disrobe and discard of any dirty gowns and gloves, before re-entering the rest of the Medbay.

April felt her heart breaking for her boyfriend. Jim was Leonard's best friend; it had to be killing him to see the man like this. It was painful for April as well; Jim was like her brother, and she hated seeing him hurt.

McCoy slumped against the far wall, back in his plain medical scrubs. He rested his hands on his knees and seemed to breathe slowly, before his eyes screwed shut and he sunk down to the floor.

April couldn't leave him alone any longer, so she quickly made her way into the small room and sat down next to her boyfriend.

They were silent for several minutes, before McCoy sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. "He's not supposed to look like this."

April glanced over and raised an eyebrow.

McCoy looked back and shrugged. "He's just always so… restless. It's like he's always ready to move, ready for something to happen. He's not supposed to be this still." April opened her mouth to speak, but McCoy kept going, "I mean, I know he can be still. Sometimes, when he's concentrating on a task or a problem, it's scary how silent and calm and focused he can be. But this is different. It doesn't feel like he's _there_."

April grasped his hand tightly. "He's there," she promised. "I know it's serious, but he's still there, Len. And remember, you're the only doctor he trusts with his life. He wouldn't want anyone else in his corner."

"Never an option," McCoy grimaced. "As if I'd ever let anyone else take my place. It's my job to keep the idiot alive. And I don't like to fail."

April smiled. "No you don't."

McCoy let out another weary sigh, and used the wall to lever himself to his feet. "Come on," he said softly. "We've still got a lot of work to do."

April shook her head, standing as well. "Christine's already got the worst injured over to the _Yorktown_. It's much quieter out there. Shouldn't be anything serious enough to keep us from going off shift once you do that final check I know you'll insist on."

McCoy even almost smiled at that. "One round, promise. Then we'll get dinner."


	25. Chapter 25

The next few days were quiet and filled with tense energy. The entire crew had been given the barebones report on their Captain's condition, and every minute was spent willing the ship to move faster, hoping to hear more news or updates, wondering what they could have done differently to avoid this scenario. No one could imagine life on the _Enterprise_ without Captain Kirk, so the idea of him not making a full recovery just wasn't conceivable.

As soon as they were within range, McCoy and April moved Jim to a medical shuttle, and headed back to Earth's surface roughly twelve hours ahead of everyone else.

The _Enterprise_ hovered above the planet just long enough for everyone to disembark, before the _Yorktown_ towed the ship down to the shipyard at Riverside for repairs. The _Enterprise_ was just too damaged to remain in orbit. They would need to make all the repairs at dry dock, and the Riverside shipyard was the best in the country, even though the ones in Oregon and Nevada were technically closer to Headquarters.

As soon as they were released from duty, the command crew and Carol all gathered to transport down together. Even Scotty was there; most of them had expected him to stay with the ship, but he was confident enough in the team that would handle the repairs, and he wanted to be there for Jim. He'd get back to work once he knew his friend was going to be all right.

Chris had already arrived with Marcus' ship, apparently named the _USS Vengeance_ , and had updated the Admirals on the situation as he knew it. He had left Spock a message, telling them to go straight to Starfleet Medical and not worry about their reports just yet. The tone of the message indicated that he had already seen Jim, or at least gotten a medical report and knew how serious it was, so they didn't waste any time in heading over to the hospital.

They waited in near silence for almost two hours, joined by Chris roughly forty-five minutes into their vigil. "Jon asked me to keep him updated, but he won't bother us for now."

That was the last anyone spoke until McCoy reappeared, looking so defeated that for a moment, they thought they were about to hear him say that Jim hadn't made it.

He seemed to collect himself after a few moments, and made his way over to them, expression grim. "He's still alive," the doctor said wearily, and they all let out unconscious sighs of relief.

"Report, Doctor McCoy," Chris ordered, knowing that he would respond to the command. He understood the need to have something to pull himself together, and a direct order from a superior would do that.

It worked, as McCoy straightened up and met their worried gazes head-on. "I know you've got some of the basics already, so I won't go into too much detail." He grimaced. "At point blank range, a phaser can cause lasting damage. At minimal range – that is to say, zero – it can be even worse. Jim's on a ventilator, and we just spent the last however many hours making sure he stayed breathing." If he felt so inclined, he could look at a chronometer and see exactly how long he had been in an operating room with his best friend, but he really didn't want to know. "He's in an induced coma, on dialysis and almost a dozen other machines to keep his body functioning while we try to fix the damage."

There was a beat of silence, before Chris spoke up. "Just how bad is that damage?"

McCoy bit his lip, glancing back at the hallway he had come from, the hallway leading to Jim. "We need to replace his left kidney and possibly his liver as well. We can synthesize those and implant the replacements as soon as they're ready, but there are other issues as well. His heartbeat won't regulate, and the trachea and upper part of his left lung are burned from the phaser. We've got him on medication to hopefully sort out the heartbeat, but there's not much we can do for those last two, other than let them heal on their own. It's just too risky to try anything to speed up the process." He stuck his hands in his pockets and sighed. "He's also got second and third degree burns from the phaser, several broken ribs, a broken collarbone, and a concussion, but we're not worrying too much about those right now. The internal damage is what we're focusing on."

Chris let out a shaky breath. "Do whatever you can to save him, Doctor."

McCoy glared. "Already planning on it."

Chris smiled slightly. He would have expected nothing less. "So what's next?"

McCoy shook his head slightly, his expression softening, making him look much more vulnerable than any of them had ever seen the irascible doctor. "He's in isolation for now, and he's as stable as he'll get. We've already begun synthesizing the organs, which will take a couple days. I'm hoping that we won't have to replace the liver, and we've already begun the process of healing the burns to his lung, but it's delicate. There's no miracle cure here, and not a lot we can do to speed anything up. We just need time to fix everything, and Jim to hold on and give us that time. A lot of this depends on him." He was able to muster up a small smile. "But he's a fighter, and I know he doesn't know how to lose, so I'm trying not to worry too much about that aspect."

"So what do we do now?" Sulu asked quietly, from his spot at the back of the group.

McCoy pursed his lips. "There's nothing you can do from here. Go home, change, sleep, eat, and come back tomorrow."

No one looked too happy with that suggestion, but Chris nodded. "Sounds good. Can we at least see him before we go?"

McCoy inclined his head stoically. "Follow me." He led them down the hall to Jim's room.

They couldn't enter, but McCoy entered a code into the pad on the wall, and the opaque window cleared, showing them their Captain. Jim was pale and still, lying on the single bed in the room. Multiple machines were hooked to his arms and chest. The heart monitor was blinking steadily, almost in sync with the rise and fall of his chest. The tube in his throat was hooked to a ventilator that proved to be the only thing keeping the man breathing. April was inside, dressed in a sterile suit and apparently finishing the process of settling Jim into his bed.

"Why all the old fashioned techniques?" Chris asked curiously, looking at the doctor.

McCoy sighed. "They work. Some of the newer procedures just aren't as effective or reliable, and it's better to use the old fashioned methods with Jim's injuries."

They stared for a few more moments, before most headed back towards the exit. Chris, Pavel, and Carol were the only ones to stay.

McCoy looked at all of them and rolled his eyes. "You really can't do anything here," he promised.

Pavel looked disappointed, but April came out at that point, and immediately moved to his side, smiling reassuringly. She knew that Pavel thought of Jim as a brother, and was terrified of losing him. "Come on, Pasha, let's go get some coffee." She used the same familial term that Jim sometimes used, hoping it would comfort the young man.

She led him away, and McCoy turned back to the other two. Both were watching him with mulish expressions. He sighed. "If you want to suit up, I can let you spend a couple minutes in there with him. One at a time."

They nodded quickly, and put on the suits and masks that the doctor handed them.

Chris went in first and came to a hesitant stop by the side of the bed, afraid to touch Jim and risk messing up the machines or wires.

He couldn't help but think back to Jim's stay in the _Seymour_ 's Medbay, after Tarsus. He looked just as pale and near-death as he had back then.

After a few moments of silence, Chris let out a long sigh. "Remember Jim, you're not allowed to die on me. Just get better, all right? And soon. You've got a whole crew there for you. Not to mention me, Jon, Richard, Shay…" He sighed again. "Your friends need you to be OK."

He rejoined McCoy out in the hall, and Carol went in. Together, the Admiral and doctor watched as Carol hesitantly grasped his hand, making sure not to mess with the wires.

Carol made a valiant effort to hold in the tears behind her mask, but she couldn't stop a few sniffs from escaping. "Jim… I'm all right, your crew's all right. I promise. We just need you to be all right as well." She took a shaky breath. "You promised me you'd always do your best to survive. Jim, I need you to keep that promise. I love you, so much. I don't even know if I knew how much until now." She let out a quiet sob. "When you went down… oh God, Jim, for a moment I thought you were gone. I can't live without you, so please, keep your promise. I would never ask you to be less than the brilliant, daring, protective man you are, but I need you in my life." She leaned over and rested her hand briefly on Jim's forehead, before she made for the exit.

Chris walked her back to the Academy campus, keeping mostly silent until they were nearly at the officers' residence halls. "I'm sorry about your father," he finally said, glancing over at the young woman.

Carol grimaced. "We never really saw eye to eye," she confessed, keeping her gaze locked on the ground as she walked. "He didn't want me to join Starfleet, and he did his best to keep me off a ship as long as possible. When I made it clear that I was enlisting with or without his blessing, he tried to get me stuck in a lab for the rest of my career." She sighed. "I still cared for him, but he never seemed to care about what I wanted." Biting her lip, she admitted, "I will probably miss him, but I don't think he's really been a father to me in a while."

Chris was silent for a few moments. "He was still your father, Carol, even if you didn't get along. I'm sorry for what happened to him, and that you were forced to witness it."

Carol nodded slightly. "I'll give you that. But I cannot condone what he tried to do, what he actually did. There are so many ways that it could have been much worse, and if Jim were any less of a genius… so many more people could have died."

"Agreed," Chris said calmly. "So let's be thankful for the way things did turn out. Even if it could have gone better, just remember, it also could have been much worse."

Carol looked a little mollified, as Chris left her at the residence buildings, and went to go find Jon and Richard.

They were both in Jon's office, and were grateful for the update on Jim's condition, though it certainly concerned all of them. Chris didn't want to say that there was a chance – a scarily large one – that Jim might not be all right. But he was stable for now, even though there was a lot of internal damage. "The fact is, Doctor McCoy is worried, which should make all of us worried," he sighed ruefully, sinking down into the empty seat next to Richard.

It was incomprehensible, to imagine the worst-case scenario of Jim not making it. He was such a vibrant and bright person; they just couldn't imagine their lives without him.

After a minute of silence, Jon shook his head. "Please keep us updated, and I know we'll stop by the hospital as soon as we can, but things are kind of crazy right now."

Chris nodded quickly. "Yeah. Any updates on that?"

Jon grimaced. "Komack's trying to make waves, but we've got the backing of a significant portion of Admirals by now, and we're bringing him up before a review board. We don't think he knew all the details, but he was working with Marcus. He was probably more interested in gaining power than any of the specifics, but he was still involved."

Richard handed Chris a PADD so that he could look over the information they had on Komack's review. "We'll keep you informed, but we aren't expecting many issues. Komack was the first and only Admiral to come out in support of Marcus' actions when they became clear. Something about how we needed to prepare for a Klingon attack, and Marcus was trying to protect all of us. He seemed to skate right by the fact that the bastard's idea of protection involved wiping out an entire planet and getting the _Enterprise_ destroyed and everyone on her killed."

"We really don't think he was involved in the planning," Jon reiterated. "He was just used because he had access to the _Enterprise_. If Marcus could have gotten the flagship in another way, he would have done so on his own." He pursed his lips in thought. "Komack's the one who set the leave schedule for the end of the _Enterprise_ 's five-year mission. He specifically set the departure date, possibly because Marcus wanted them on hand when everything happened. I mean, maybe I'm just drawing lines where they don't exist, but all this happened right before the _Enterprise_ was to ship back out, so all the crew was back in San Francisco and ready to leave when Harrison attacked."

Chris considered that for a moment. Generally, ships could be given anywhere between one and five months leave at the end of a five-year mission, depending on upgrades and other mitigating circumstances that might draw out the leave time; so the two months the _Enterprise_ had gotten wasn't unusual. But that didn't necessarily mean anything.

Jon shrugged. "Just a thought. We're going to call the _Enterprise_ command crew, along with Lieutenant Wallace, since she was also involved, for debriefs within the next twenty-four hours. It'll be joint, rather than separating them. I know Jim's probably the only one who really knows everything, but we're hoping to get an idea of what happened from the rest of them."

Chris nodded and stood up. "Let me know if there's anything you need from me. I'm going back to the hospital."

Jon and Richard smiled reassuringly. "Will do."

Chris left quickly, and headed back to Starfleet Medical at a brisk walk.

When he arrived, he thought that he was the first one back; but at a second glance through the waiting room, he noticed Carol sitting in a corner, knees curled up to her chest. She was dressed simply in a pair of jeans and a Starfleet Academy Athletics sweatshirt several sizes too big – Jim's, most likely. It didn't look like she had done anything besides change in the hour and a half since he had last seen her.

Without saying a word, Chris moved over and took a seat next to the woman, going for companionable silence. He didn't think she wanted to talk anyway.

They sat there quietly for a while, as more of the command crew returned, all looking slightly better for some clean clothes, food, and a chance to unwind a little.

Spock and Uhura arrived first and together, followed soon after by Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov, who had brought Kevin along. The Ensign felt slightly out of place amongst the command crew, but Jim was like his brother, and he had nowhere else he'd rather be right now. They all took seats around Carol and Chris, settling in to wait, not saying anything after a solitary shake of the head from Chris informed them that there had been no news as of yet.

McCoy and April came by periodically to check on them, in between rounds and keeping tabs on all the other officers from the _Enterprise_ who were still seeking medical attention.

McCoy knew that they wouldn't leave, despite his assurances that there would be no updates for a while. So instead, he found an empty break room and stuck them all in there.

Shay stopped by around dinnertime with food for everyone. No one said much, but they did thank her, and she didn't stay too long, not wanting to intrude. She cared for Jim as well, but she wasn't as close to the man as they all were. Chris promised to let her know if anything changed, and she headed back to the Academy.

Richard stopped by a couple hours later with real coffee, much to everyone's appreciation.

"Jon wanted to come as well, but things are crazy with the Admiralty at the moment," he apologized. "However, I am under strict orders to make sure you all get at least a little food and sleep, and to comm. him if there's any news." He glanced around at the empty containers. "Looks like you've got the food covered. I've already cleared it with Doctor Caraway; he says you can use this break room as long as you need, and no one will bother you." The hospital's director hadn't been completely willing to section off one break room, considering the high volume of injuries after the attack and the subsequent increase in doctors on duty, but Richard had enough sway to make it happen.

He stayed for a while, but had to get back to his duties after a couple of hours, so with a last update from McCoy – no change – Richard left the room.

The group spent the night in the hospital, most of them sleeping on the floor; there were only two beds in the room, which they gave to Chris and Uhura. Chris' injury from Nero still acted up from time to time, and he would not fare well if he had to sleep on the floor.

They had tried to give the other bed to Carol, but she refused, staying in her spot in the corner. She hadn't moved in hours, playing with the sleeve of Jim's sweatshirt, her gaze fixed on a spot on the far wall.

Though they tried to hide it, they were all worried about her. She had barely eaten dinner, and only took the coffee Richard had provided after a lot of prodding. Her eyes had yet to lose the haunted look, and no one thought she'd actually get any sleep, but there wasn't much more they could do, so they all settled down for the night.

It was sometime after midnight that April joined them. She glanced around the room briefly, seeing that most of her friends were asleep, and went to join Carol in the corner. The young Lieutenant was the only one still awake, but she didn't so much as twitch when April sat down.

The two were silent for several minutes, before April sighed. "Leonard ordered me to get some sleep, but I'm still too wired. Strange, considering I think this is the first time I've even sat down in almost ten hours."

Carol didn't say anything, so April continued talking, keeping her voice soft so as to not wake anyone else up. She spoke innocently of her rounds, how the _Enterprise_ crew was doing, and anything that could potentially draw Carol out of her thoughts.

She stopped talking after a while, waiting for something; hoping she had helped, at least a little.

Carol finally drew in a shuddering breath, and curled even further in on herself, if that was possible. "I can't stop seeing it," she whispered tearfully, burying her head in her knees. April reached out and rested a hand on her back, rubbing reassuringly. Carol sniffed. "Harrison shot him, and he just… went down. I thought he was dead."

She glanced over at April, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "I can't live without him, April. I can't even imagine my life without him."

"You won't have to," April said quickly. "Jim's going to be fine. I know it's scary, and seeing him with all those machines wasn't easy, but just remember who he is. Strong, capable, doesn't know how to lose."

Carol nodded slightly, wiping her eyes with one hand as she attempted a weak smile. "I know. He's going to pull through. I have to keep believing that."

They lapsed back into silence, which was only broken several hours later when McCoy came in shortly before dawn.

Some of the others were beginning to stir, and quickly hurried to wake the others. Within two minutes, they were all gathered around the exhausted doctor.

McCoy looked around at them wearily, his expression slightly less defeated than it had been yesterday, though his eyes were lined and clearly showed his lack of sleep. "We're about to move Jim to surgery," he informed them. "We're going to replace his kidney, but I'm still holding out hope that the liver is fine."

"Do you expect any complications with the surgery?" Chris asked worriedly.

McCoy sighed. "The most concerning aspect we're thinking about right now is Jim's own immune system. It's entirely possible his body will reject the new organ. As it is, we're having a hell of a time keeping him comfortable." Several confused gazes met his statement, so he sighed again. "Jim's allergic to most of the standard painkillers. It's hard to find medications he can take, and several of the ones he's not allergic to that we could use, can't be taken together."

Chris nodded. "What about the other injuries?"

McCoy grimaced. "His trachea's looking a little better. It'll likely still hurt to breathe for a while, but we're keeping him on the ventilator for the near future so we don't have to worry about that right now, and his body doesn't have to make the extra effort to breathe on its own, which limits stress to the other injuries. The ribs and collarbone are still broken, and the lung damage is still pretty bad. That'll likely take at least a month or two to heal. His heartbeat is still irregular, but calming down and should completely normal out by tomorrow. Once we get the internal injuries further along in the healing process I'll get to work on the burns to his chest and neck. For now, we're keeping them cleaned and bandaged. The concussion is nearly gone, no signs of lasting damage. Kid's got a hard head." Chris chuckled lightly, while the rest smiled. McCoy looked at April. "We could use you in there if you're ready."

April nodded quickly. "Let's go."

The two doctors left, and everyone else sat back down to wait.

McCoy hadn't said how long it would take, but no one was planning on going anywhere until he got back.

Shay joined them shortly after the two doctors left, bringing coffee for everyone and taking a seat next to Chris. After several minutes of tense silence, she turned to her husband and smiled. "Remember that trip to Risa? How the hell did Jim even get there, or know that we'd be there?"

Chris snorted amusedly. "I've long since given up trying to figure out how the hell he does anything. I don't think Higgins ever got over having his ship fixed by a teenager."

The others all looked confused, so Chris had to explain about how Jim had surprised them on a shore leave years ago.

They got some amusement from the story, enjoying hearing about Jim before he became the famous Starfleet Captain that the universe saw.

"Jim's probably the strongest person I know," Kevin said quietly, looking down at the floor. "Back on…" He stumbled a little over the name of the planet. "Back there, he kept us all going. I know now, that he probably had no idea what he was doing, but back then he kept us all together. He kept us moving forward, and he kept us from falling apart." Kevin bit his lip, not looking up. "He became a captain at fourteen, and I don't think he ever really stopped. He's always been so strong, so determined to succeed, that he wouldn't let himself fail."

Chris smiled softly. "Jim's been facing the concept of a no-win scenario his whole life, the idea of failing just doesn't compute. That's how I know he's going to be fine."

They all contemplated the Admiral's words in silence, thinking about how Jim had told them that he had met Chris on Tarsus, at one of the lowest points in the young man's life. If anyone knew Jim, it would be Pike. They all thought of Jim as one of their best friends, but they knew that the Admiral probably knew him better than any of them. Chris had access to a part of Jim's life that they just hadn't gotten to see yet. Even if he had told them about Tarsus, he hadn't really shared much about what it had been like. He was still stuck on this idea that they wouldn't look at him the same, so though they had some idea based on what they knew of the situation, what Jim had actually told them, and what they had heard in the news after it had happened, they still didn't really _know_ what he had been like back then. Other than Kevin, April, and to a lesser extent Pavel, and perhaps Carol, none of the others had gotten to see that side of Jim's life. It would come in time, but Jim didn't share easily, and his life had given him very serious trust issues, so none of them held it against him.

The next few hours passed quietly; conversations were few and far between, for the most part everyone waiting for McCoy and April to return without interrupting the silence.

When McCoy finally did come back, he still looked exhausted, but optimistic. "April's settling him into his room now," the doctor reported, as everyone stood up to meet him at the door. "He's back in isolation for the next twenty-four hours, to minimize the risk of infection or reaction." He sighed. "You can't see him yet, I'm sorry. But chances are, this time tomorrow he'll either be moving to the ICU or back in the OR getting a new liver." McCoy rubbed a hand across his face. "I'll let you know when Jim's out of the danger zone, but you should all go do something else for a few hours. He'd only feel guilty for making you stay here and be bored."

Chekov and Kevin, at least, looked like they were about to start protesting, but Chris chimed in with his own thoughts. "He's right. There's no point in sticking around if we can't even see him. Go spend a few hours in a real bed, get some real food, and stare at something other than the whitewashed walls around here."

Slowly, the group tricked out of the room, until it was just McCoy, Chris, and Carol. Carol looked at the doctor, her mouth set in a mulish line. "I've got nowhere to go and nothing better to do."

McCoy almost protested, but thought better of it, and just nodded. "I'll stop by later," he said instead.

"As long as you fit some sleep and food in as well," Chris admonished, looking him over with a critical eye. "You look like you haven't slept in days, which probably isn't far from the truth."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "I'm going to find somewhere to crash right now. Doctor Caraway already ordered me to go find a dark corner to hole up in for the next six hours at least, so he can pretend he told me to leave the hospital and I actually did it."

Chris snorted, knowing the likelihood of McCoy actually leaving the hospital before Jim was out of the woods. "Well that sounds like a solid plan." He looked at Carol and smiled reassuringly. "Do you want me to bring you anything? Something to take your mind off of things while you wait?"

Carol shook her head. "No thanks," she replied. "I'll be fine."

She took a seat on one of the empty beds, as McCoy and Chris left.

The two men walked down the hall in silence, before separating as Chris left the building and McCoy went to find the storeroom on the third floor that he knew no one ever used.

**XXX**

Twenty-four hours later, everyone was back and waiting, when McCoy found them. He actually smiled slightly. "We just moved him to ICU," he informed them, and everyone let out sighs of relief. "I don't think we'll have to replace his liver. It's still not great, but not bad enough to need more surgery. A complete transplant is really the most extreme option, and I don't want to go that far unless there's no other option. His body's already dealt with enough trauma in the last few days; no need to add to that if we don't have to. We'll start lowering the medication dosage within the next few hours. Barring any complications, he should begin to wake up in the next few days. Once he's breathing on his own, we can move him to recovery. That'll probably happen in the next day or two."

"What about the lung?" Sulu asked curiously. "You said it was still damaged, will that affect his ability to breathe?"

McCoy shrugged and grimaced. "Not significantly. The tube is taking a lot of stress off his body, so it can focus on other things instead of breathing. But we can't keep it in for too long, or it could have negative impacts. It could weaken his lungs, since they'll get used to not having to do any work. Taking it out will force his body to work harder, but the strain of breathing will also get his lungs to build some strength. It will likely hurt to breathe for a while, but in the long run, it's a much better option than keeping the machine breathing for him."

Sulu nodded, understanding.

"So can we see him now?" Chekov asked, dimples flashing as he smiled.

McCoy nodded, feeling himself return the smile a little at the younger man's pure happiness. "One at a time while he's in the ICU. And just a couple minutes each."

They all nodded quickly, and one at a time, let McCoy lead them down the hall to the ICU. Jim's command crew went first, because they knew that Carol would want to stay with her boyfriend as long as possible. Spock was the first one to step inside the sterile room, and then Uhura, followed by Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and Kevin. Chris went next, before Carol finally had her turn.

There were no extra seats in the ICU, but Carol determinedly took hold of Jim's hand and leaned against the bed, glancing defiantly back at McCoy.

He just smirked amusedly. "I'll come kick you out around lunchtime."


	26. Chapter 26

McCoy was true to his word, and came back around lunchtime to make Carol go down to the cafeteria to get some food.

When she returned, Uhura was in the waiting room, holding a blue uniform in one hand. She handed the dress over to Carol and smiled softly. "We've all been requested to report for debriefing in half an hour," she said gently. "I brought you a clean uniform, and we'll meet everyone else there."

Carol nodded. "Thanks," she replied, taking the uniform and heading to a restroom to change. She didn't want to leave, but she knew duty. And she and Jim were the only ones who actually knew everything that had happened with her father and Harrison on the Vengeance.

Everyone besides McCoy was already at Cochrane Hall when the two women arrived, and the doctor came in just a few minutes before they were supposed to go inside to face the panel of Admirals, a large scowl on his face. "Well, the press has officially staked out the hospital," he informed them, taking the coffee Chekov handed him with a thankful nod.

"That bad?" the Communications officer asked curiously.

McCoy rolled his eyes. They're hounding everyone who leaves for some information on Jim. They know that he's the one who 'saved the day', or whatever they're calling it, and they know he's in there. No one's seen or heard from him since we got back, which only adds to the mystery."

"How's he doing?" Sulu asked.

McCoy sighed. "Better." He glanced at Carol and managed a small smile. "His heartbeat's much closer to normal. He should be on schedule to move out of the ICU and into a regular Recovery room by tomorrow."

The door opened and an Ensign gestured for them all to enter. There were seven Admirals waiting for them – Archer, Barnett, and Pike were the only ones they knew well, but Garovick was there too, along with several more they weren't very acquainted with. Komack wasn't present, which surprised most of them, as he was in charge of the Enterprise. By all rights, he should be involved for that simple reason alone. But Jim was the only one who was privy to the Admirals' investigation into Komack's actions, so his absence was nothing more than a confusing twist for the rest of them.

It was a very straightforward afternoon; the Admirals asked questions, and Spock took the lead, telling them about Jim's orders to apprehend the fugitive Harrison. He informed them of the encounter on Qo'nos, before Uhura took over briefly and told them about what happened when she and Jim had talked to the Klingons. There were several questions about the second group of Klingons, and what their relation was, but Uhura didn't know, as she had left before Jim had actually had any conversation with them. She did make sure to inform them that the second group had not been hostile. She didn't have all the details, but Jim seemed to have known them, and he had appeared to at least trust them enough to feel comfortable having a conversation without any of his crew at his side. She trusted Jim. If they wanted more detail, they'd have to wait until he could tell them himself; she wouldn't speculate, not when there was every chance her words could be twisted to form an unpleasant picture to further advance the hostile image the Klingons had had within the Federation ever since its formation.

Garovick cut in when Uhura finished. "Were you aware of the orders that Admiral Marcus gave to Captain Kirk?"

Spock fielded that question, his voice clipped and precise while also conveying his disapproval of the Admiral's tone, which indicated an interest in pursuing Jim's insubordination. "Captain Kirk simply informed us of Admiral Archer's orders. He implied that Admiral Marcus had requested the torpedoes to be loaded for emergencies, but were not to be used unless there was no other recourse."

Jon understood that Jim didn't want to get anyone else involved in the conflicting orders, so they would likely have to wait for the complete story. Once Jim woke up, they'd be able to get a more in depth picture of everything that happened. "I told Captain Kirk to disregard Marcus' orders," he confirmed, successfully derailing any potential action Garovick might take to discredit Jim later on. "I implored him to use discretion, as something didn't sit right with what Marcus told him. I also gave him full jurisdiction over the mission, to make whatever calls he felt were justified."

Garovick didn't look happy with that, but the other Admirals all nodded in understanding, most of them looking satisfied. Though some of the more conservative Admirals still weren't huge fans of Jim and his somewhat unorthodox methods – despite the fact that his record as a Captain was spotless and the Enterprise had one of the lowest mortality rates in the Fleet, their penchant for injuries while on away missions notwithstanding – he was becoming more and more popular with the majority of Starfleet Command. The public loved him, which meant Public Relations loved him. He might not do things strictly by the book, but he was a great diplomat amongst different races in the Federation, which boosted Starfleet's reputation. He had the complete loyalty of his crew, and all Admirals knew the difference between professional and personal respect. There were only too many Captains out there whose crew respected the stripes first, and the person in the uniform second. Jim's crew followed him because he put his faith in them; because he knew them, cared about their stories, not just what they could bring to the job. All Admirals understood how difficult it could be to gain that kind of devotion from your crew, and it only spoke positively about Jim's individual character as well as his abilities as a leader.

Spock continued, through apprehending Harrison, the damage to the Enterprise, and through Jim and Harrison going over the Marcus' ship.

Carol picked up at that point, telling them what had happened after her father had beamed her off the ship, and of Jim's arrival. She was proud of herself for remaining calm and composed as she related Harrison's actions, killing her father, assaulting Jim, Chris' arrival, and through their return to Medbay.

Jon inclined his head when she finished. "You have our condolences for the loss of your father," he said.

Carol shook her head. "Thank you, Admiral, but I would prefer you give those sympathies to the people he hurt."

Spock and Scotty took over from there, outlining the state the Enterprise was in, and projected completion for repairs. McCoy briefly updated them on the Enterprise's injured.

"I'm still a little confused over how a Starfleet Captain is on apparently good terms with a Klingon," Garovick commented dryly, looking around at the group. "Friendly enough to contact said Klingon and request assistance with the recapture of a Federation criminal. And confident enough to do so and expect the Klingon to actually follow through."

Jon sighed. "Captain Kirk met these particular Klingons over the course of the Enterprise's travels. They had a cordial relationship and parted amicably. He informed me that he would attempt to make contact when we found out that Harrison had escaped to Qo'nos, but I am unaware of the details."

The Admirals asked a few more questions, before they finished. Chekov and Sulu remained mostly silent in the background; they weren't sure why they needed to be here, other than the fact that they were part of the command crew. But they hadn't done too much that would require them to be questioned.

Finally, they were released; McCoy insisted that they all go get dinner somewhere other than the hospital, and come back tomorrow. There was no point in hanging around the hospital again tonight, so he told them to wait until morning, when Jim would likely be moved to a regular room, and they'd be able to spend more than a minute with him.

Most of them agreed, however unwillingly, and headed off to their own apartments. Carol stayed with McCoy, and he didn't comment as they continued walking towards the hospital. He knew better than to try and make her go home. If he barred her from the hospital, she would just sleep outside.

XXX

McCoy didn't give them a specific time to come back, so the doctor figured he shouldn't have been surprised when they all showed up at dawn the next morning.

They didn't have to wait long; McCoy and April came out to join them less than an hour after they arrived. "We just moved him to recovery," McCoy informed them, smiling wearily. "If you want to see him, follow me."

He led them down the hall; Jim had a room all to himself, and there was enough space for them all to crowd in without pushing too much. Carol was already there, in the solitary seat next to the bed. She was back in jeans and Jim's sweatshirt, and it was pretty clear that she hadn't gotten any more sleep last night than she had the night before.

"How is he?" Uhura asked.

McCoy looked better than he had in days. Now that Jim was officially out of the woods and actually breathing on his own, he felt like he could relax a little. "We've started to cut back on the medication. He's still on some pretty heavy painkillers, but if things go the way they should, he'll start waking up by tomorrow."

They all smiled, and settled in for a long visit; McCoy rolled his eyes at the predictability. There was no point in them sticking around all day, but he knew they'd stay anyway.

Chris found them a few hours later, looking harried but happy to see Jim without a tube in his throat. "Sorry it took me so long to get here. We've been a little busy."

"Have they found Harrison yet?" McCoy asked, scowling at the reminder of why they were all gathered in a hospital room right now.

Chris shook his head. "We're still working on it. Just don't ask me where we are on that aspect, because I have a feeling Jim's the only one who knows the answer." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "However, we have been reviewing Komack's actions as the commanding officer for the Enterprise. It was classified so I know Jim didn't mention it to you, but we've been investigating him for several years now. Unfortunate as it was, his actions in support of Marcus have finally been enough to push for an official review board. They reached a decision this morning."

They all tried not to show too much eagerness; Komack had no friends on the Enterprise, and they were all eager to see him go. Hearing that the Admiral was under review at least cleared up why he hadn't been a part of their debriefing the day before.

Chris' mouth twisted slightly into a grimace. "He's still on staff, but many of his duties have been reassigned, and he's facing much less authority. We can't really fire him or request his resignation; he's proved he's incompetent in some aspects, but not actually acting perfidiously. His command of the Enterprise has been reassigned to Admiral Archer."

"Good," McCoy said under his breath. No one else chimed in, but it was clear from their pleased expressions that they agreed with him.

"So how long are we allowed to stay this time?" Kevin asked curiously, looking at the doctor. When they all turned their attention to him, he blushed and looked down. "Well, you've been kicking us out periodically for the last few days. I figured you'd get around to doing that again at some point."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Dinner. Go somewhere else to eat and sleep, come back tomorrow morning. But you've got the rest of the day if you want to stay here. I guarantee though, he won't wake up today, so there's really no point. I know you're all worried, but I promise, Jim's going to be fine."

"How about we just stick around until lunch then," Chris suggested. Everyone nodded their agreement and settled in for the morning.

Chris moved over so that he was standing by the wall with McCoy, and spent a moment studying the doctor, taking in everything from the wilted shoulders to the stubble on his chin that indicated it had been several days since he had shaved. "You know I'm including you in that statement." McCoy looked over and raised an eyebrow. Chris shook his head slightly. "You're exhausted, McCoy. You haven't spent more than a couple hours outside of this hospital in days. Go spend time with your daughter, eat something that didn't come from the cafeteria here, and sleep on a bed that actually doesn't consist of a pile of blankets on a floor."

April heard him and leaned over, resting a hand on her boyfriend's arm. "I'll make sure he takes the afternoon off," she promised.

McCoy grumbled a little, but agreed reluctantly.

The gathering this time was much more relaxed, now that they knew Jim would be fine, and they were actually allowed to see him. Cory came running in sometime around midmorning, looking harried.

"I came as soon as I could, I'm sorry it wasn't quicker, I was buried in research and just saw your message, Kevin. Thanks for calling, I'm sorry –"

"It's fine," Kevin cut him off, seeing his distress and trying to calm him down. "Jim just got moved out of ICU this morning." He glanced around at the group. "Guys, this is Jim's cousin Cory." He introduced the command crew to Cory, and the young man smiled.

"Nice to meet you all," Cory said. "Jim's told me a lot about you. It's great to finally put faces to the names." He paused and tilted his head to the side. "Scratch that, that sounded stupid. I knew what you all looked like, it's not like you're not known all across the universe, after that whole Nero situation five years ago. But it's nice to meet you."

"You too," Sulu answered for all of them, smiling at how much this man's scatterbrained way of talking reminded him of Jim.

"Can you stay long?" Chekov asked curiously.

Cory shrugged, grimacing. "I can pop in and out, but I can't take a lot of time off right now. And Jim would hate it if I skipped work to see him lie in a bed all day. I'll stop by later tonight." His eyes widened and he stood up straighter. "Crap, I just ran out of a meeting when I saw Kevin's message. I've got to go, I'll see you all later!" He ran out of the room, leaving them all staring after him, startled at the abrupt change.

After a minute, Uhura smiled. "He seems nice."

"Does scatterbrain run in the family?" Sulu asked curiously, and they all chuckled. The quick entrance and exit, mind jumping all over the place, was very Jim.

April chuckled lightly. "Jim was practically his hero, when they were teenagers." Everyone looked at her, confused, and she swallowed, her mood dampening. "On, you know… Tarsus. Cory took everything Jim did as gospel. We all did, after things went bad. But Cory and Jim… well, they were practically brothers. Jim felt so guilty after Lisa died. He was so afraid to get back in touch with Cory, he thought he blamed him for her death." Most of them looked confused, and April frowned. Hadn't they had gone over this years ago, when she and Jim had told them about their shared past? "Lisa, Cory's sister?"

Some expressions cleared, and Uhura coughed lightly. "You guys dropped several names during that conversation, but we didn't know any of the relations." Jim had told Carol some more details after they had left Tarsus, but for most of them, they had had to be content with what they had learned in that first conversation, right after they had received the mission to go to Tarsus.

April blushed, embarrassed. She hadn't realized how little they had actually given their friends to go on, during that talk. "Sorry. Lisa was Cory's sister, Jim's cousin. She was six when Kodos killed her."

Kevin looked down, still feeling guilty that he had been with Lisa when they had snuck away from the group and gotten caught.

April shook her head. "Anyway, Cory and Jim were close. They still are, they just don't get a lot of time to actually see each other. But they are a lot alike, you're right Hikaru. I'd say it's a genetic thing, but I really don't want to say either of them have anything in common with Winona." She looked angry with the woman she had never actually met but knew enough about to already hate. Carol, Chris, and McCoy looked similarly angry.

After some unhappy grumbling under his breath, McCoy mumbled something about checking on some patients before he was forced to leave the hospital, and exited the room. The others settled back down, eager to spend as much time as they could with Jim before they also had to leave.

XXX

For the most part, McCoy actually managed to adhere to Chris' stipulations and April's ministrations. He got a few hours of sleep in his own bed, and ate an actual meal that consisted of food that didn't come out of a machine. He spent some time with Joanna, who had been staying with a friend for the last few days, since her father hadn't been able to look after her properly.

Joanna wanted to see her uncle Jim, but fortunately didn't fuss too much when McCoy told her she'd have to wait a few more days. He didn't want her to see her pseudo uncle until he was awake and able to reassure the young girl that he was all right. He took Joanna out to get some ice cream, and they spent a couple of hours playing on the playground outside the childcare center, before McCoy returned her to her temporary home and headed back to the hospital. Joanna was being a great sport about the situation, knowing that her father was doing his duty; she wanted to be with her family, but she was mature enough to understand that it wasn't possible right now.

McCoy arrived back at the hospital in the late afternoon, and was unsurprised to see Carol once more sitting in the chair next to Jim's bed. She had left at the same time as the rest of them, but not without protest.

Carol barely looked up when McCoy entered, but she jerked her head slightly to acknowledge his presence. McCoy dragged another seat up to Jim's other side, and settled down with a PADD. "The press is still outside," he commented idly.

Carol nodded minutely. "They were hounding us when we left earlier," she said, her voice soft. "I snuck in through an emergency exit when I came back. I couldn't take any more questions."

McCoy grimaced. "They're relentless." He passed Carol his PADD. "On the bright side, the Admirals finally released a statement. It's pretty straightforward and very vague," he added as Carol read the report. "The man responsible for the attacks is being pursued, and Captain Kirk is currently undergoing treatment for injuries sustained trying to bring the fugitive to justice."

Carol nodded as she finished the article and handed the PADD back. "They don't say much about my father," she commented idly. "But they do say he was in league with Harrison. Probably because they don't want to honor him like they would an Admiral who died in the line of duty."

McCoy winced. "Should I say I'm sorry that he won't be given a military funeral?"

Carol shook her head quickly. "I still think Admiral Pike should have just tossed him out an airlock before he brought the ship back to Earth. He doesn't deserve an honorable funeral. He almost killed us all."

They lapsed back into silence as evening turned into night. McCoy stayed on his PADD, working through reports and reading the updates on various crewmembers. Even though they had all been transferred to Starfleet Medical once the Enterprise had returned to Earth, McCoy was still their CMO, and he wanted to keep track of their progress.

It was sometime around midnight when Carol sat up straighter, leaning forward in anticipation. "Jim?"

McCoy put the PADD down and stood up.

Carol looked at him. "He squeezed my hand. I'm sure of it."

McCoy nodded quickly and began fiddling with the machines around the bed.

Carol shifted. "He moved again. Jim?"

On the bed, Jim could feel the cloudy sensation of pain creeping in from the edges. The real world seemed to calling, loudly and with vigor. He didn't want to face it. Even the simple task of opening his eyes was just too much effort. If he could get away with not breathing, he'd do that too. Every time he drew in air, a fire ignited in his chest.

But there was something important he knew he needed to do. He could feel it. There was some reason he needed to wake up now. With what seemed to be an insurmountable effort, he forced his eyes open and blinked blearily at the ceiling.

"Jim?" The voice sounded faded and like it was coming from a distance, but it was familiar. He turned towards it.

Carol smiled brilliantly, happy tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. "Jim," she breathed, feeling overwhelming relief at seeing those bright blue eyes after so many days of seeing him unconscious.

"Carol, I know you're excited, but I need you to back up for a minute while I do a few checks," McCoy said, looking up at the Lieutenant. Carol obediently stepped back, giving Jim's hand one last squeeze of encouragement.

McCoy ran a few tests, checking Jim's pulse and pupil reaction. "You're on the good drugs right now, so I know things are probably pretty hazy. Not that you're probably planning on it, but don't move too much; you've still got a bunch of burns, a couple broken ribs, and a broken collarbone that we haven't healed yet." He probably wouldn't jump right into the diagnosis of injuries with any other patient, but Jim always appreciated knowing how bad things were right off. "We'll get the bones fixed later today or tomorrow. The burns on your chest and shoulder are still healing; we'll get to work on those soon too, but for the rest, it's better to let it finish the natural way. Your arm will be sore for a while, and you won't be able to move it much, but you won't really be moving much anyway, so that's not an additional inconvenience. Your lung and trachea were burned as well, which is why it hurts so much to breathe. That'll have to heal completely on its own, so it's going to be painful for a while. The damage to your liver might take a couple weeks or a month to heal. We had to replace one kidney, which you probably won't even feel, on top of everything else. But that will take about six to eight weeks to heal completely."

McCoy spent a minute fussing with Jim's blanket before he continued. "Do you remember what happened?" he asked, not sure which answer he would prefer. Not knowing could indicate potential lasting head trauma. But knowing meant that he remembered everything that had happened, and McCoy didn't want Jim to deal with any more pain.

Jim nodded slightly and then groaned, closing his eyes when the room began to spin. "Ugh, someone get the name of the starship that hit me?" His voice was scratchy and rough from disuse, and it felt like someone was shoving a knife down his throat when he talked.

McCoy snorted, shaking his head in amusement, and offered his friend a cup filled with water. He helped Jim sit up a little and held the cup to his lips so he could drink. Setting the cup down a minute later, he sighed. "You basically got yourself electrocuted, Jim. It took several days to get your heart beating normally again. We're lucky I didn't have to replace your liver as well as your kidney. That lung's going to take at least another month or two to heal, maybe longer. Bottom line is, it's going to hurt like hell for a while, and you won't be doing any back flips any time soon, but there won't be any lasting damage."

Jim smiled at the familiarity. Trust the doctor to lay out the facts with his own irascible flare.

McCoy finished his ministrations, and glanced over at Carol before returning his gaze to his best friend. "It's really good to see you awake, Jim. I'll give you two some time alone."

With a last nod in Carol's direction, he left the room to go start making the calls to all the necessary people, informing them of Jim's new status.

Carol waited until the door closed, before she stepped forward again, grasping Jim's hand as tightly as she dared, still mindful of his injured status.

Jim squeezed back, smiling reassuringly. "It's good to see you."

Carol sniffed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I missed you. Oh God, Jim, when I saw you go down…"

"Hey, hey, I'm fine," Jim tried to comfort her. "I promised you, didn't I?" Carol chuckled weakly and nodded. Jim smiled. "I make a lot of those promises, apparently. I distinctly remember Chris telling me five years ago that I'm not allowed to die on him. I know it wasn't pleasant, and I'm so sorry about what happened on that ship, but we're both fine. I'm hoping at some point someone's actually going to fill me in on the last few days, but the fact that you're not currently in a hospital bed as well probably means that you're completely healed, which I'm very grateful for."

Carol leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I was back on shift the next day," she promised.

"Good," Jim murmured, his eyes already drooping shut.

Carol smiled gently. "Go back to sleep, Jim. I'll be here when you wake up."

Jim muttered something that could have been a 'love you', and dropped off to sleep.

Carol's smile widened. "Love you too."

XXX

When McCoy passed through the waiting room half an hour later, he somehow wasn't surprised to see several members of Jim's command crew rushing in. Spock and Uhura had obviously come together, and Sulu was just a few steps behind them. Just as they located McCoy and made their way towards him, Chekov came running in, Scotty half a step behind.

April materialized at her boyfriend's side. "Kevin's on his way in too," she informed him. "And he said he'd call Cory to let him know."

McCoy nodded his understanding. "Pike said he'll inform the Admirals."

Their colleagues joined them at that moment, and McCoy led them down the hall to Jim's room.

Carol turned around as they entered. Her expression was light and relaxed, in a way it hadn't been in days. "He fell back asleep about twenty minutes ago," she informed them, voice soft.

"But there aren't any issues?" Sulu confirmed, looking at McCoy.

The doctor shook his head. "No sign of lasting head trauma, we'll get the broken bones fixed soon, and everything's healing normally. It'll still be a while before he's back to normal, but important thing is, he will be back."

They all smiled happily at the news. "So how long can we stay this time?" Uhura asked.

"At least until he wakes up," McCoy promised. "It'll probably be a few hours, but this isn't the ICU, time limits are only restricted to visiting hours. Which we're technically breaking right now, but I'll bend the rules, just this once."

April came in at that moment, carrying a few folding chairs, which she passed out to those who wanted a place to sit. The room was cramped, with all of them crowding in, but it was a private room at least, so Jim didn't have to share with anyone else.

Kevin joined them ten minutes later, and Cory arrived half an hour after that, looking a little ragged. His girlfriend Amanda was with him, and she greeted Carol warmly, before being introduced to the others.

It was several more hours before Jim stirred again. McCoy was immediately at his side, and the others hung back a little, waiting for the doctor to finish his examination. "Number?" he asked, shining a penlight in Jim's eyes.

Jim rolled his eyes the moment his friend put the light away. "Solid two," he replied. "Seriously, Bones, you've got me on the good stuff."

McCoy grumbled profanities under his breath. "Infant," he muttered. Louder, he continued, "You'll be on those drugs until I decide differently. Don't fight me, Jim, I'm your doctor and you'll stay in that bed until I say otherwise."

Jim snorted softly in amusement.

McCoy sighed exasperatedly, knowing what was going through the man's mind. "Well, you've got some company now."

He glanced around at the group and stepped back to let the others move in. They stepped forward one at a time, saying little but giving him a pat on the shoulder or squeezing his hand reassuringly.

Jim had a smile of appreciation for each of them, grateful that they had come to see him. No matter how many years passed, or how many people told him otherwise, there would probably always be that small part of him who was surprised to see that he mattered to others.

They all settled back into their seats after that, talking about inconsequential things, nothing relating to recent events. It was about time for breakfast when Chris joined them, passing out coffee with a smile before turning to the man on the bed. Jim had seemed to be dozing lightly, but when the Admiral entered, he woke up again, and smiled wearily at the older man.

Chris beamed. "It is so good to see you awake," he said, stepping forward.

Jim nodded slightly. "Glad to be back," he replied.

Sulu and Uhura shared a look, and then the pilot cleared his throat. "Why don't we go get something to eat. Jim, we'll be back later."

Everyone except Carol left quickly. Chris smiled at the Lieutenant. "Don't feel like you have to leave," he told her, and she nodded, settling back into her seat.

Jim looked up at Chris expectantly. "So what's the situation?" he asked, expression serious.

McCoy started to chime in with protests that Jim shouldn't be thinking about work right now, but Chris threw him a glare and he stopped talking. "He has a right to know what's been going on." McCoy didn't look thrilled, but he didn't argue any more. Chris sighed. "We're still working through the facts. Komack's been removed as your commanding officer, and Jon's taking over."

Jim smiled approvingly. "Good. He should be in charge of the flagship. Jon's the most decorated Admiral in the Fleet. The only reason they didn't give it to him five years ago was because we're friends and they didn't want to give me any slack."

Chris nodded in agreement. "But it's been five years, you've established yourself as competent, and considering what happened with Komack, I think we've also proved that they were wrong trying to give you someone you can't work with."

"Was he involved?" Jim asked.

Chris sighed. "From what we've uncovered, it doesn't seem like he knew any of the details. He gave Marcus his support, but we don't think he knew what Marcus was planning. He just saw a ticket to power, and didn't question the validity or reasoning behind the orders."

Jim grimaced. "I could have done without getting caught in the crossfire."

Chris nodded and McCoy rolled his eyes. "We all could have," the doctor grumbled.

"Anyway, you'll have to debrief at some point, but we're not pushing," Chris threw a knowing look at McCoy. "Once you're back on your feet, we'll talk."

"You've caught him up enough," McCoy interjected. "This idiot needs his rest. You two can come back later."

Chris nodded in understanding. "I will. It's really good to see you awake, Jim."

The Admiral left, and Carol bent over and gave Jim a quick kiss. "I love you, Jim," she said softly. "I'll be back in a couple hours." She glanced at McCoy. "Maybe I'll even sneak in some real food, if the warden here allows."

McCoy huffed, but he didn't say anything, and Jim chuckled lightly.

"Love you too," he replied, squeezing her hand tightly, before she also left.

McCoy waited until they were alone, busying himself by hanging another bag of saline and straightening the sheets.

Once Carol had closed the door behind her, McCoy stopped the pretense. "You're not allowed to scare me like that," he said quietly, looking up to meet his best friend's understanding gaze.

"I'm sorry," Jim looked down, his gaze skittering to the far wall. "I really didn't mean to."

McCoy huffed out a sigh. "I know you didn't. You never do. You're a genius, Jim, and I've known for a while that you had this god complex thing going on, that you always think you can save everyone, but you're not invincible."

"I know," Jim hated being scolded, but he knew McCoy had a point. "I wasn't planning on getting hurt. Everything just sort of spiraled out of control."

McCoy sighed again. "I get it, Jim. I hate it, and I'm terrified that one of these days you're going to go off on one of your crazy logic-defying stunts to save the world, and you won't come back. I would never try to make you stop being the man you are. I just don't want to lose my best friend."

They both fell silent for several minutes, before Jim managed to get his voice to work. "How's Joanna?"

McCoy pursed his lips. "Staying with Ensign Callaway and her daughter for now. I didn't want her to come visit until you woke up. She's scared enough as it is, even with just the bare minimum that's been shared with the general public. She's in something of a privileged situation, getting information from Starfleet directly, through me and other officers from the Enterprise. So she knows more than most, but I don't want her to worry too much."

Jim nodded. "I wouldn't want her to see me like that either. But I'd like to see her at some point."

McCoy managed a smile. "I'll try to get her here tomorrow. For now though, you should really go back to sleep. That's the best way to speed up the healing process."

Jim didn't even have the energy to want to protest. He just settled back in his bed and closed his eyes. Before he dropped off completely, he felt McCoy's hand ghost over his own, and the doctor whispered, "Welcome back, idiot."


	27. Chapter 27

Things settled down over the next week. Jim continued to heal, slowly, and his friends continued to visit. McCoy brought Joanna, as promised, and Cory and Amanda stopped by once a day.

Carol rarely left, and the next most frequent visitor was Spock. He was joined by Uhura many times. Sulu and Chekov came together most of the time, sometimes with Kevin. Once Jim had woken up, he had implored Scotty to go oversee the _Enterprise_ 's repairs, so the Scotsman was not physically around, but he had called several times, both to check in and to pick Jim's brain about some of the issues that had come up with the repairs. McCoy didn't like Jim working, but Carol could see that the mental stimulation was good for the man. There was always a healthy flush to his cheeks whenever Scotty called, the two of them working together to fix their ship.

Jim was released from the hospital a week after he woke up; he was still unsteady on his feet, but well enough that McCoy knew he'd better release the idiot before the man just escaped on his own. The doctor knew it would happen soon, if he didn't let Jim go back to his apartment.

Carol took charge of getting him back, but neither one was surprised to see the rest of the command crew waiting for them when they arrived. Jim was too tired to do much more than say hello, but considering the circumstances, no one complained, and they quickly left, offering promises to come back if Jim or Carol needed anything.

Once they were alone, Carol immediately hustled Jim into the bedroom, getting him situated and telling him to get some sleep.

Jim smiled wearily as she sat down next to him, grasping her hand gently. "Stay," he murmured.

Carol returned the smile as she nodded, lying down next to her boyfriend. Together, the two drifted off to sleep.

**XXX**

Jim continued to recover over the next few days. He was able to get from the bedroom to the kitchen without stopping to rest by day three, and he didn't have to sleep so much anymore.

His friends stopped by at least once a day, not having many other duties they needed to attend to. McCoy came more frequently; most of the _Enterprise_ crew had been discharged from the hospital by now, and Doctor Caraway had ordered him to spend more time outside of the hospital than in it. He still worked shifts, but the necessity that had been brought on immediately after the attack was gone, and it wasn't quite as pressing that he pull double and triple shifts anymore.

A week after Jim had been released, Jon finally braved McCoy's wrath to request that the Captain report for a debrief.

McCoy tried to refuse, but Jim agreed, overriding the doctor's complaints, and promised to be there.

"You're not ready to get back to work," McCoy objected, glaring irately.

Jim sighed and settled back into the couch, taking a glass of water that Carol handed him with a grateful smile. "Bones, I have to debrief. I'm the only one they haven't talked to yet. I need to do this. The sooner I get it done, the sooner we can all move forward." McCoy still looked like he wanted to protest, but Jim stared at him knowingly, and shook his head. "I'm fine, Bones. I mean, maybe not completely, but I'm getting there. Jon won't let them bully me too much, and they all know I just got out of the hospital. You've been keeping them at bay for a week, they need my report."

McCoy grumbled a little more, but he stopped arguing. "They better not make you stand at attention," he muttered.

Jim smirked lightly. "I'm sure they'll be understanding. You worry too much, Bones. Just relax. And maybe go spend some time with Joanna and April. I promise, I won't fall apart without you here," his expression smoothed out into an appreciative smile. "I'm grateful for everything, Bones. You're a great friend. But you don't need to be here all the time, promise. Go do something for yourself."

Carol leaned forward, her gaze earnest. "He's right, Leonard. We'll be fine. Go be with your daughter and girlfriend."

McCoy threw them a last distrustful look, before he left the apartment.

**XXX**

Carol made sure they left in plenty of time the next afternoon, just in case Jim needed to take a break on the walk to the Cochrane building.

When they arrived, she kissed him on the cheek in the lobby, and pulled back, smiling. "Good luck in there," she said. "Don't let them push you too hard."

Jim nodded. "Promise. Now go do something that doesn't involve looking after me for a few hours." She started to protest, and Jim shook his head knowingly. "You've been just as bad as Bones at not taking time for yourself. I'll probably be here for a while, so go relax." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, mindful of the fact that they were in public and might be seen, and entered the room.

The Admirals were already there and waiting, but they didn't seem upset that Jim was a few minutes late. Jon waved him in and gestured for him to take the empty seat in front of them. "This isn't meant to be an inquisition," he assured the Captain. "We simply need to get an account of your actions during the situation. Just tell us what happened, and if you need to take a break for any reason, please don't hesitate to ask."

Jim nodded. "Thank you, Admiral."

Jon looked down at his PADD and cleared his throat. "All right, let's begin. Tell us about the orders that Admiral Marcus gave you before the _Enterprise_ departed."

**XXX**

The afternoon was eaten up by the Admirals asking questions, and Jim responding with as much detail as he could. He related everything from Marcus' orders, to his conversation with Jon and the new orders he chose to follow instead; the conversation with K'Temoc, including the previous meeting during their five year mission, the confrontation on Qo'nos, the sabotaging of the _Enterprise_ , trying to fix the ship and get out of hostile territory, Marcus' arrival – Jon played the recording of the conversation that Jim had had the foresight to record, just in case – the fight on the _Vengeance_ , and the second conversation with K'Temoc.

When he finished, he fielded several questions, mostly relating to his cordiality with the Klingons. It appeared that the Admirals weren't sure what to make of it. Jon and Richard seemed to be the only two who didn't find it at least somewhat inappropriate. Garovick was entirely distasteful of the whole idea, but the other four Admirals seemed a little more open to at least considering the possibility of an amicable relationship with the Klingon Empire.

Jim definitely scored some points for telling Jon of his meeting with K'Temoc on Tarsus, and for keeping him informed of everything, with the Klingons and with Marcus.

"Do you think this Klingon will inform you if they capture Harrison?" Admiral Kwon asked, her expression stern. That didn't faze Jim though – in all the years since he had started at the Academy, he had never seen her looking anything other than unyielding.

Jim almost shrugged, but he refrained, keeping himself professional. "I can't say for certain," he replied. "But I believe K'Temoc when he says he'll comm. me. Our communication has always been professional and courteous. I know things with the Klingon Empire haven't exactly been great, but from what I can tell, many of the Clans may be moving more towards cooperation. Logically speaking, they're not in a good place to begin open hostility with the Federation, and they know it. Nero hit them hard too, and even if they don't want to admit it, they know that. They don't want a war."

There were a few more questions, before Jon declared that the meeting was over, and if they thought of anything later, he would let Jim know. He could see the man was fading, and didn't want to risk McCoy or Carol's wrath if he tired the Captain out too much.

A look from Jon had Jim waiting while the other Admirals left, and when they were alone, they walked out together, keeping the pace slow. "Go get some rest, and come see me tomorrow," he ordered, a smile indicating that it wasn't an official order, more of a suggestion. "We'll talk more then."

Jim nodded, and headed back to his apartment. Part of him had been hoping to find Carol waiting, but he also wanted her to have some time to herself, so he was glad that she was nowhere to be seen as he exited the building.

The apartment was empty, so Carol was apparently still out. Jim wanted to get some work done – there were a lot of forms he needed to look over, repairs he had to sign off on – but he was tired, so he just laid down on the couch to rest for a few minutes, and he was out like a light.

**XXX**

When he woke up, the light filtering through the window showed it to be early morning, there was a blanket draped over him, and Carol was curled up by his head, on the floor, fast asleep.

Jim smiled slightly and rested a hand on Carol's shoulder, before he took a breath and made himself stand up. His chest ached from the movement, and he knew that was his still healing lung. Most of his injuries were further along in the healing process, but that one would just take longer. It wasn't debilitating, just painful if he overexerted himself, or tried to do too much too fast. McCoy continued to assure him that it would heal completely, it just wouldn't be as fast as any of them wanted.

Jim quietly made his way into the kitchen for some water, and checked the time. Jon would be in his office by now, and Jim wanted an update. He was still wearing his clothes from yesterday, but he didn't have the energy or inclination to change, so he just wrote a quick note so that Carol wouldn't worry, and headed out.

Richard was also in Jon's office when Jim arrived, the two Admirals halfway through breakfast, which they were quick to invite Jim to join in on.

The Captain took a seat gratefully, and helped himself to some pancakes.

"I'm surprised to see you up so early," Jon commented. "Shouldn't you be getting more sleep?"

Jim shrugged and swallowed his bite. "Fell asleep after I got home yesterday afternoon. It looked about time for breakfast when I woke up, so I figured I'd come find you. You barely leave your office, so I thought it was a safe bet to come looking here, and I'm desperate for some news. How's the investigation going?"

Jon grimaced. "Still compiling evidence. Komack's not going to be given any real authority for a while, that's for sure. But we're taking our time before convening the tribunal, because we want to make absolutely sure we don't have the grounds to actually charge him with any criminal acts before we move forward." He sighed. "I'd love to see him out. He's really made a mess of things, and I don't trust him at all. But I'm not sure if we have enough cause."

Jim took another bite and chewed slowly. Swallowing, he asked, "What about Garovick? He seemed to be backing Komack a lot. Was he involved at all?"

Jon shook his head quickly. "Garovick's a hard ass, but it was more politics than anything else with him. He's a stickler for rules and regulations, and he took issue with some of your more… innovative command decisions. Some of his choices on how to handle things may have been distasteful, but it's not illegal to dislike someone, and he had no idea what Marcus was planning. He was just as furious as the rest of us when we found out."

Jim nodded slowly. Well there was that, at least. "Can't say I like the idea that Garovick makes things difficult for me just because he doesn't like me, but you can't win everything. I'll settle for never having to deal with Komack in an official capacity ever again. He's horrible as a superior, and I'm tired of his subtle and not-so-subtle threats, the blatant disregard for my opinions, and his disinclination to listen to anything I have to say." The two Admirals winced at hearing some of the struggles Jim had been facing with his superior officer for the last five years. They knew things hadn't been great, but Jim usually did his best to keep his problems to himself. The young Captain just shrugged and smiled slightly. "But I hear I've got a new boss now."

Jon smirked. "Yes, seems the Admirals have been convinced that I can handle you better than Komack. The fact that you were willing to trust my orders over Marcus' said a lot. "

"It was never any option," Jim assured. "I didn't really know Marcus that well, but I do know to trust my gut, and in what world could it be right to blow a planet off the map just to get at one man?"

Jon nodded, as Richard pushed his empty plate away and settled back in his seat. "So how are you doing?" Richard asked, trying to keep his voice sympathetic and open. He didn't expect much, since the only people Jim really talked to that he knew of were Chris and McCoy, and maybe Carol since the two were apparently dating. Just because they were friends with the Captain didn't mean he would share willingly unless it was absolutely necessary.

Predictably, Jim just shrugged and shook his head lightly. "I'm fine, really."

"We're not saying you're not," Jon pacified, "but it was a pretty intense few days. You were caught up in a corrupt Admiral's insane plot, and it nearly got you killed. There's nothing wrong with needing some time to process."

Jim rolled his eyes. "This doesn't even come close to the top ten worst experiences of my life," he said, his voice even and devoid of any turbulent emotion. "Seriously. Harrison was crazy, Marcus even more so. But I'm not emotionally damaged or anything. It sucked, and I gotta say, I'm not going to be advocating for getting shot point blank by a phaser any time soon, but I'm not hung up on it."

A hesitant knock at the door interrupted them, and Jon called for the intruder to enter. His secretary poked her head in nervously. "I'm sorry to interrupt Admiral, but you've received an encrypted call from a location that has been traced back in the direction of Klingon space. They want to speak with you and Captain Kirk, immediately."

Jon frowned and looked at Richard. The other Admiral nodded in understanding and stood up. "I'll leave you two alone. Let me know what happens."

He left and Jim moved around the desk so that he was standing next to Jon. The Admiral stood up and motioned for Jim to take the chair. Jim almost protested, but he really was sore, so he took the offered seat.

The computer on Jon's desk blurred, and then the image cleared, showing K'Temoc in front, with several Klingons standing behind him.

Jim smiled slightly. "K'Temoc, I hope your call means you've got good news?"

K'Temoc inclined his head. "Captain Kirk, I am relieved that you made it back to Earth safely. Admiral Archer, we have not met face to face, but Kirk trusts you, and he has proven himself to be trustworthy to us. He informed me that it was your approval that allowed him to grant us safe passage back to Klingon space at our first meeting."

Jon nodded once. "I'm not in the business of targeting anyone based on other people's prejudice. You broke a treaty by entering Federation space, but Captain Kirk felt that you didn't deserve to be drawn and quartered for simply protecting your own Empire. We've all got issues with Romulus right now, and you've got every right to want to know what they're up to. Maybe from here on we can work together on that."

K'Temoc looked startled, but thoughtful. "Perhaps. I have brought my observations to my Clan leaders, and there may be opportunity for amicability in the future. However, we are calling today about your escaped criminal. I told Kirk I would let him know when we captured this Harrison. He is in custody now."

Jim let out a sigh of relief. "That's great. Thank you for letting us know."

K'Temoc looked satisfied. "We will be handling the sentencing ourselves. I trust you will allow this."

Jon looked a little disgruntled, but Jim turned to him and shook his head, expression serious. "Admiral, they do have a claim. Harrison killed several Klingons and violated the treaty by going to Qo'nos in the first place. They have him, and they can handle it themselves. I'd like to see Harrison pay for the lives he took, but this will have to be adequate. You know they'll most likely kill him for his crimes."

K'Temoc cleared his throat. "The Clan leaders understand Starfleet's desire to see justice for their deceased citizens. And while we are not prepared to hand the criminal over to you, as a show of good faith we will allow a special envoy to witness justice being dispensed. To that end, they have authorized Captain Kirk to attend the sentencing. You will be here as a witness only, with no authority whatsoever. If you agree, we will allow the _Enterprise_ to cross the Neutral Zone and park in orbit above Qo'nos. Captain Kirk alone will beam down."

Jon and Jim shared a look, several opinions and emotions passing unsaid between the pair. After several moments, Jim turned back to the screen and nodded. "I appreciate your offer, and I accept. However, it will have to be another ship. I'm afraid the _Enterprise_ won't be fit to travel anywhere for several more months."

K'Temoc looked concerned, but he didn't comment other than to agree. "The offer still stands. One ship, and only you will be allowed to the planet's surface."

Jon sighed, but didn't put up any objections. "Very well. We thank you for your consideration in allowing a Starfleet presence. The _Yorktown_ will depart this afternoon, and it will likely take two or three days for them to arrive, if they push the engines."

K'Temoc inclined his head. "Give us an accurate projected arrival once you have it. We will wait. Harrison isn't going anywhere, and the Clan leaders have agreed that fostering peace with Starfleet may be worth waiting a few days to dispense justice."

He signed off, and Jon immediately placed a call to Shay, informing her of the new mission and telling her to be ready to depart in six hours or less. He requested that she join him once she recalled her crew, so he could give her a more in depth briefing. She was confused, but didn't argue, and quickly signed off to contact her crew.

Jon looked back at Jim. "You should go get ready," he advised. "I'll tell Richard and Chris what's going on, and we'll see you in a few hours." He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face wearily. "Chris will likely be joining you, if only to keep an eye out and make sure you don't collapse."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I'm fine." He knew it wasn't true, and he knew that Jon knew it wasn't true, but he felt compelled to say it anyway.

Jon just flapped a hand dismissively, and Jim left, heading back to his apartment as quickly as he was able.

Carol was awake when he got back, eating breakfast at the kitchen table while she read on her PADD. She glanced up as he walked in, and smiled. "You look better," she observed. "Did Admiral Archer have any new information?" She paused, her smile dimming as she took in his grim expression. "Jim? What's happened?"

Jim took a seat across from her at the table, and let out a long breath of air. "The Klingons have Harrison," he informed her.

Carol nodded slightly. "That's great."

Jim pursed his lips, his expression not lightening at all. "They're dealing with him themselves, but they've allowed me to come as a Starfleet representative, for the citizens we lost in his attack."

Carol sat up straighter, her expression suddenly concerned and slightly alarmed. "You're going back to Qo'nos? Are you sure that's wise? You only just got out of the hospital."

Jim sighed. "I have to, Carol. Just the fact that they offered says a lot about the potential for change. We can't offend them by turning them down."

Carol bit her lip nervously. "I won't say it doesn't concern me, but I'm not going to ask you not to do it. You're right, this is a huge step for us and them. If we can achieve peace with the Klingons…" she shook her head wonderingly. "I never even imagined it was possible, but if anyone could do it, it would be you." She stood up. "You go pack, I'll let our friends know what's going on."

Jim nodded and headed to the bedroom, while Carol pulled out her comm. to make some calls.

McCoy arrived first with Joanna; the doctor looked upset, but he was clearly trying to hide it as he gestured for Joanna to join Carol on the couch, and immediately disappeared into the bedroom to berate Jim for even thinking about leaving the planet before he was cleared.

Jim listened to his grumbling for a while as he continued to pack. Finally, he let out a weary sigh and looked up. "Bones, I know it's not ideal, but I have to go. I promise, It'll be fine. Chris and Shay will be on board, and you know the doctor on the _Yorktown_ is almost as good as you." He smiled slightly, hoping McCoy would rise to the bait.

McCoy just rolled his eyes. "I want to go with you. I don't care about how good the _Yorktown_ 's CMO is. He's not me. I don't trust anyone else to keep you from killing yourself because you can't be bothered to actually take care of yourself."

Jim's smile widened. "You're a good friend, Bones. Thanks, but I'll be fine. Promise. Chris is pretty good at keeping an eye out for my self-destructive behavior too, you know. I'll be back soon. A week at most. Swear."

McCoy scowled, but stopped complaining. He knew he couldn't talk Jim out of this insane plan, and he couldn't go with him. He just had to trust that Jim knew what he was doing. And he had to admit, most of the time, the man did. He made a mental note to send copies of Jim's medical reports, along with any issues to watch out for, to both Pike and the _Yorktown_ CMO.

Jim finished packing quickly, and headed out into the living room, to find that Carol and Joanna weren't alone anymore. Spock and Uhura were there, both looking concerned – even Spock looked rattled, not that most would be able to tell. But Jim was pretty good at reading Vulcan emotions.

The doorbell chimed again, and Carol let April, Chekov, Sulu, and Kevin enter. Jim let out a small sigh, but didn't protest their overprotectiveness. He knew it wouldn't do any good anyway. Scotty was still in Riverside, or Jim knew he would have been here as well. The Engineer wasn't supposed to come back to San Francisco for another few days.

"When do you leave?" Uhura asked quietly, biting her lip anxiously.

Jim gave her a reassuring smile as he sat down on the couch and pulled Joanna into his lap. The girl was getting too big for it to be comfortable, but she settled back into her pseudo uncle's arms contentedly, enjoying the simple fact that he was here and at least healing. His extended stay in the hospital had scared her badly. "A couple of hours. I'll be gone a week or so, most likely."

"I don't like this," Sulu commented, leaning against the wall as he crossed his arms.

Chekov nodded slightly, and Carol definitely looked like she agreed.

Jim rolled his eyes as Carol sat next to her boyfriend, grasping his hand tightly in her own. "I know," he pacified. "No one does. But I have to go. I'll be fine, they've promised me safe passage."

"Promises mean nothing to a corpse," McCoy muttered, leaning against the armrest of the sofa, on Jim's other side from Carol.

Jim glanced up at the doctor and shook his head. "Everything will be fine." He knew they didn't believe him, and he wasn't entirely sure he believed himself, but he trusted that they meant it when they offered him safe passage. Whether or not that promise would carry through was yet to be seen, but for the moment, he believed that they had every intention of keeping it.

Since Jim didn't need to meet the _Yorktown_ crew for another couple of hours, they all settled down to pass the time discussing anything except the potentially hostile situation Jim was about to warp into. Joanna had their attention captured for a while as she told them all of her extended sleepover with her friend's family. She really had been such a good sport, not complaining too much that her father and makeshift family hadn't been able to be around as much over the last few weeks. And she had had a lot of fun with Sheri.

When it was time to go, they all accompanied their Captain to the shuttle hangar, arriving just a few minutes before the shuttle Jim was scheduled to take up to the _Yorktown_ was supposed to depart.

McCoy scowled at the shuttle, and then turned back to Jim. "You better stick to shuttles," he warned. "You just had an organ replaced, don't go thinking you can scramble your atoms around by beaming just yet."

Jim rolled his eyes, but his expression was amused. At his side, Joanna giggled. The girl had not let go of Jim's hand since they had left his apartment. "No transporters, got it." McCoy huffed, and Jim's gaze softened slightly in understanding. "You worry too much Bones. Shay won't let anything happen to me."

"That woman takes overprotectiveness to an art," Chris joined the conversation, setting his bag down at his feet as he came to a stop at Jim's side. He smiled at his wife's antics, wholeheartedly agreeing with her when it came to Jim's safety. "But Jim's right, you really shouldn't worry so much. We've got his back."

He clasped the younger man's shoulder, Jim rolled his eyes, but he didn't try to protest. "So you got your position sorted out?" he asked instead.

Chris nodded, smile widening. "Final paperwork was signed yesterday, but I didn't think I'd be called so soon." He glanced back at where several crewmembers were gathering, and gave a jerk of the head. "Looks like it's time to go. Sooner we leave, sooner we come back, right?"

Jim let out a soft snort and shook his head minutely. "Not entirely sure it works that way, but OK." He almost stooped to pick up his bag, but McCoy was a step ahead of him, and handed it off to Chris, not willing to let the still recovering Captain carry anything remotely heavy if he could help it.

Jim rolled his eyes again, but just turned to give the others a last farewell. Uhura hugged him briefly, while Spock offered a Vulcan salute. Sulu clapped him on the back, and Jim let Chekov draw him into a brotherly hug before he ruffled Kevin's hair reassuringly. April pulled him into a hug next, and then stepped back and let her boyfriend move forward.

McCoy grumbled something unintelligible under his breath, but gave Jim a hug as well. "If you take any unnecessary risks I'll kill you," he muttered in the other man's ear.

Jim smiled at the remark. McCoy wasn't always great at showing emotion or dealing with it, but Jim had never doubted how much the doctor cared for him.

He turned to Joanna next, dropping down to one knee to give the eleven-year-old a hug. Joanna gripped his shirt tightly, trying and failing to hold in her tears at having to say goodbye to him so soon after he had been so sick. Her dad hadn't given her many details, but she was eleven. She wasn't stupid, and she knew how much Uncle Jim liked to throw himself in harm's way, especially if it meant saving someone else in the process. "Come back soon, Uncle Jim," she whispered, sniffling softly. "I'll miss you."

Jim smiled gently as he pulled away. He cupped her face gently with one hand and used a thumb to wipe the tears away. "I'll be back before you know it," he promised quietly. "Be good for your dad, yeah? Don't get up to too much trouble without me." He winked mischievously. "But if you want to stretch some pranking muscles, well," he leaned in closer, "Admiral Garovick's office is thirteen twenty."

"Jim, stop corrupting my daughter," McCoy growled, pulling Joanna back as the girl giggled.

Jim just shrugged good-naturedly and stood up with a quiet groan that had several of them taking a half step forward worriedly, but he waved them off. It was just soreness, nothing to get excited about.

Carol bit her lip nervously as Jim turned to her, and timidly took a step forward, allowing her boyfriend to draw her into a comforting hug. Jim bent down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, ignoring, or perhaps not caring, about the many people currently surrounding them in the hangar, including several members of the press, who had all heard about the _Yorktown's_ looming departure, along with several rumors that they were going to capture Harrison, though no one had confirmed that.

Jim and Carol hadn't really discussed officially releasing the nature of their relationship, even though they had been together for years, because they knew that once they did, everything would change. It got complicated when one participant in the relationship was a superior officer, and Jim and Carol liked the way things were going between them. They didn't want to risk rocking the boat, especially before now, when any disclosing of their relationship would mean that Carol's father would know, and she hadn't wanted that. They had promised Jon that they would officially inform the Admiralty, but then everything had happened with Harrison, and it all went to hell and they hadn't had a chance yet. By this point, it wasn't that they thought they might break up, it was just that they were hesitant to deal with the scrutiny that would surely follow, once people knew.

The couple broke apart after a few moments, neither one looking too happy. Jim gave the others one final wave, before he followed Chris onto the waiting shuttle.


	28. Chapter 28

It was a fairly uneventful trip, for the most part. Jim checked in with Archer once a day, but didn't get to talk to any of his friends amongst his own command crew until they were a few hours out from Klingon space, three days later.

Carol was looking incredibly displeased about something, when the screen cleared to show her along with Jim's entire command crew – minus Giotto but including Scotty, who had just returned from Riverside.

Jim frowned. "What's going on?" he asked, sitting up in his seat and wearing an expression that clearly told them he expected answers.

Spock shifted slightly, and nodded as Uhura shot him a questioning glance. She sighed, and typed something on the PADD in her hands.

"I just sent you an article that came out this morning," she informed him. "You'll probably get it soon, but…" she hesitated briefly, and then sighed. "It's not exactly pretty, Jim. Someone at the hangar the day you left got a picture of you and Carol kissing, and apparently that's headline news."

"It's disgusting," McCoy was more direct in his anger. "They're portraying her as the greedy daughter of a disgraced Admiral using the Federation's hero to pull herself out of the hole her father dug when he committed treason."

Jim let out a long sigh, and then looked around at the others who were still standing silent in the background. "Can you guys give us a few minutes?"

Obediently, they all filed out of the room, leaving Carol alone in front of the computer. As soon as the door closed behind McCoy, she wilted slightly and rubbed a hand across her face.

Jim's gaze narrowed once they were alone. "Has Jon done anything?"

Carol grimaced, her hands clenching into fists. "He apologized for my name being dragged through the mud, and the fact that everyone knows who my father was. I used my mother's surname for a reason, I'm not even sure how they found out in the first place." She sighed, some of her ire dripping away. "He wasn't exactly thrilled to have to deal with this, especially since he's only really known about our relationship for a few weeks, but he's on our side. He contacted the media outlet, but they didn't directly print anything false, just slanderous. It doesn't come out and say anything untrue, but it draws the reader into making disgraceful assumptions. We talked a couple hours ago, and he said that he's been in touch with the Starfleet PR team, as well as a few of Starfleet's lawyers, to determine whether they need to worry about backlash or legal issues. He doesn't think so, but the team is in place, and he wants to talk to you before they release a statement." She bit her lip. "I think he wants to make sure all our stories are straight, before saying anything on the record." She paused briefly. "He did say we should have told him earlier, and then maybe all of this could have been avoided, but I think he also understands why we didn't. He didn't seem too upset when we went to Admiral Pike's wedding as a couple. Maybe because that event wasn't anything official, so he could pretend that it wasn't breaking any rules."

Jim shrugged. Not much could be helped about that. They had made decisions based on what was best for them at the time, and barring access to red matter and a black hole, there was no way to change the past.

"We're not really," he reminded her. "Breaking any rules. We've done everything we can to keep a professional relationship that isn't clouded by our personal feelings. Maybe we should have told the Admiralty earlier, but we didn't want your father to find out, and we didn't want them to make a big deal out of it until we knew it would last. And we've been together for years, it clearly isn't affecting our professional duties." Carol nodded slightly, looking a little better.

Jim offered her a reassuring smile. "How are you, really?" he asked softly, his expression pained and understanding. He wished he could be there to comfort her in person.

Carol looked up, her eyes clearly showing her hurt and anger. "I hate having my life ripped to shreds like this," she said heatedly. "It's our life, it shouldn't be on display for the universe to see."

Jim nodded in agreement. "I know. Just remember, whatever they say, it's not true. It doesn't change how I see you, and it doesn't change how I feel."

Carol smiled weakly. "I know. Thank you, Jim. I know better than to listen to this slander, but it still hurts."

"We'll have to release a statement, but I'm sure it'll die down soon." Jim glanced down at his watch. "I should probably get going, we'll be at Qo'nos soon. I'll talk to you again once we're on our way back, all right?"

Carol nodded quickly. "I love you, Jim. Please be careful."

Jim smiled. "Love you, too."

He signed off, and noted the new mail that had arrived while he had been talking to Carol. Opening the attachment, his mood steadily soured as he read through the article Uhura had sent. Carol was right, they hadn't outright said anything concrete, but they had dropped enough suggestions to make sure the reader would only come to one conclusion. It read more like gossip from a trashy celebrity magazine, than an article fit for the front page of a respected news outlet. He was considering contacting Jon immediately, when his door chimed, and he called out a distracted "Come in," figuring it was for the best that he had some time to calm down before he did or said something he might regret.

Chris entered the room, and immediately noted the fury hidden behind the younger man's blue eyes. "What's going on?" he asked immediately, taking a seat on Jim's bed. These quarters weren't quite as fancy as the ones Jim had on the _Enterprise._ Here, he was a guest, not the Captain, and thus his quarters reflected that, with a simple bed, desk, and computer, and nothing else in the small and sparsely furnished room.

Jim grit his teeth and gestured for Chris to read the article that was still displayed on his computer screen.

The Admiral moved over to do so, and the next few minutes were quiet, until Chris finished reading.

"I'm sure Jon's already on damage control," he said calmly, and was reassured when Jim nodded, though he still looked angry. Chris sighed. "It's not pretty, and I know you and Carol must be upset, but it's just words. Not words that belong on the front page, of course, but you and your friends know that it's not true."

Jim grimaced. "I hate having my life splashed across media outlets from one side of the universe to the other," he muttered, slumping down in his seat. "And I hate that Carol had to get dragged into this, just because I'm her boyfriend."

Chris returned to his seat on the bed, and looked at the Captain sympathetically. "I know," he said simply. "I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, and for Carol. I don't like that you have to deal with this either, but the sad fact of the matter is, you are a public figure. Your father made the Kirk name something to remember, and you've only added to that with your own actions – Nero, Harrison, everything you've done as the youngest Captain in Starfleet history. People take an interest, and sadly, that includes personal matters in addition to professional actions. But this will blow over eventually, and once Starfleet makes a statement refuting this slander, the hype will die down."

Jim nodded slightly. "Yeah. Carol said Jon's waiting to talk to me before he says anything. I probably should have told him years ago."

Chris shrugged. "He didn't seem too upset when he found out at the wedding. But that was as a friend. As a Starfleet Admiral, he's now dealing with the fallout of you keeping that information private, and I can imagine he's a little irked. But he'll get over it, and no matter how much extra work it makes for him, I'm sure he understands why you did it."

Jim sighed. "It's not that we didn't talk about it. We really were planning on making it official with the Admiralty before we shipped out for our next five-year mission, and Spock's been doing Carol's reviews ever since we got together. But as soon as we told people, Carol's father would have known, and she didn't want that. He spent her entire career trying to keep her off a ship and in a lab, and she didn't want to give him any possible leverage to make it easier."

Chris nodded in understanding. "I do get it, Jim. We can't change the past, and we'll deal with whatever comes next together." Jim smiled slightly, grateful for the support, and Chris stood up with a groan, working the kinks out of his neck. "We'll be arriving above Qo'nos within the half hour. Shay wants you to be ready. She thinks it'll be best if you're the one to initiate all contact with the Klingons, so let's get to the Bridge."

Jim stood up immediately, and followed Chris out of the room.

**XXX**

When they arrived above Qo'nos, the entire crew was on edge, though their professionalism hid their emotions well enough. A quick conversation with K'Temoc, and Jim was giving Chris and Shay one last promise that he would be fine, before he headed down to the shuttle bay.

There were three Klingons waiting for him when he landed on the planet's surface. Jim recognized K'Temoc, but the other two were strangers.

Neither Klingon introduced himself, but K'Temoc greeted Jim with cordial aplomb, shaking his hand briefly, before leading him away from the shuttle and towards a small door at the far end of the bay where he had landed.

"We have assembled the leaders and are ready to pass judgement on the criminal Harrison," K'Temoc informed the Captain. "I will introduce you to the Clan chiefs before we begin."

Jim nodded slightly. "The Federation is grateful to you and your people for allowing us to witness the judgement."

K'Temoc simply inclined his head stoically, as they reached a large ornate door. The Klingon pushed the door open, and Jim had to remind himself not to falter as he was greeted with the sight of a large and impressive room, filled with Klingons, all attention focused on him.

K'Temoc led Jim up the empty path that the Klingons had left as they filled in the sides of the room. At the front were a dozen stern-faced Klingons, expressions ranging from curious to apathetic to downright disgusted.

No one spoke until Jim was standing in front of the clan leaders. K'Temoc bowed slightly to the chiefs. "Elders, I present Captain James Kirk of the Federation."

Jim didn't want to show any disrespect, but at the same time, he wasn't a Klingon, so he wasn't necessarily required to bow to the authority of the chiefs. As a compromise, he inclined his head respectfully.

A chief on the far left was the first to speak. "Welcome to our homeland, Captain Kirk. I am Chief Garazha. On behalf of my Clan, I offer my gratitude to you for your leniency in allowing Captain K'Temoc safe passage to the Neutral Zone upon your first meeting. We know that you were not required to do so."

Jim glanced at K'Temoc, but the Klingon didn't give him any indication of how he should respond, so Jim turned back to the leaders. Making a split second decision, he decided that using the Klingons own language might win him a few bonus points. " _We have been enemies for far too long,_ " he replied, noting with some amusement the way the Klingons all around him shifted in surprise at hearing their own language fall so easily from his lips. And he knew his accent was nearly perfect, Hoshi had made damn sure of that. K'Temoc managed to hide his small grin at the shock of his people, but not before Jim saw it and showed a small smirk of his own in return.

Returning his attention to the leaders, he continued, " _I know our histories; there is much hate there. But everything has to change eventually. No one can live in the past forever."_

Garazha observed him carefully for a moment, before he grinned, an odd expression on a Klingon. " _I like your honesty, Captain Kirk. We are a proud race; the Federation does not often acknowledge us as anything more than barbarians. K'Temoc has convinced me that you may be different._ "

Jim shrugged lightly. " _The discord goes both ways,_ " he admitted. " _Klingons have harmed their share of Federation citizens, but we have never failed to give as good as we got._ "

Some Klingons shifted restlessly, upset at the implied criticism. A few leaders glared at the young Captain.

Jim sighed ruefully. " _I'm not saying we'll all become friends, but if you're willing to adjust some of your views, maybe we are as well._ "

Some of the leaders grumbled unhappily, but didn't speak up.

One of the leaders on the right leaned forward, expression full of hate. " _I don't like Federation swine,_ " he growled, " _But I dislike Romulan filth even more. We have a common enemy in the Romulan Empire right now, so while we might not want to ally with you pigs, we do recognize our vulnerability._ "

Jim nodded graciously. " _We can live with mutual nonaggression. Even allowing my presence here today for this sentencing shows my superiors that there is fire under the smoke. Perhaps it is possible that an accord can be reached._ "

A few of the leaders nodded, and Garazha looked over at several guards waiting by a side door. " _Now that the pleasantries have been taken care of, let's get this over with. Bring out the criminal._ "

**XXX**

It would be a stretch to call the next ten minutes a trial. The Klingons had already made their decision about Harrison, who had been dragged in front of the leaders, wearing a simple shirt and pants made from the rough material they gave to all prisoners. He was chained at the ankles and the wrists, and the two Klingon guards who escorted him never once let go.

After ten minutes, it was no surprise to Jim when the leaders sentenced Harrison to death for his crimes.

Garazha, after a brief moment of hesitation, turned to the Starfleet representative. "Do you wish to say anything before we conclude?"

Jim was surprised to be given such courtesy. He had assumed he was just here as a witness. He didn't expect any considerations like this, but he nodded slightly in gratitude, and stepped forward.

Harrison observed him impassively, and Jim kept his own expression neutral. When he spoke, he tried not to let his own anger show. He needed to keep himself calm. "I recognized the man who agreed to help stop Marcus, the man who was willing to do what was necessary to save a lot of people. I know what it's like, to be lost, to just want a way out however you can get it. I know what it's like, to not want to be a puppet." Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly, seeing Harrison's eyes narrow, the only sign of emotion the augmented human had shown since being brought into the room.

Jim grit his teeth. "You had a chance. I offered you a way out, and you chose revenge. You chose to satisfy your own needs ahead of what was right. I'm here to represent the eighty-nine Federation citizens that you killed in your attacks on Earth. I hope, for your sake, that it was worth it." He stepped back, nodding his thanks at the Clan leaders.

Harrison still didn't speak, and a Klingon moved in, silently, a long blade flashing in his hands. One swift stroke, and Harrison's head disconnected from the rest of his body. Two more Klingons moved in, and began to clean up the mess.

The surrounding group remained quiet as the body was moved.

When the doors closed behind the Klingons who had removed Harrison's body – to burn it, K'Temoc had informed Jim a few days earlier, as was custom for Klingon executions – Garazha spoke. "It is done. Justice has been brought, the victims can rest."

Jim nodded slightly. He didn't really believe that so much, but these weren't his customs. The way he saw it, justice was more a thing for the survivors, the ones who had lost, not the ones who had been killed. A way to have closure and hopefully let the past go. The dead were dead. They didn't care anymore.

The crowd of Klingons began dispersing, as Garazha spoke again. "Captain Kirk, will you join us for a banquet this evening? We toast to the remembered dead. I will personally guarantee your safety."

Jim knew that not all Klingons were thrilled with having a Starfleet officer on their planet, but as the invited guest of the Clan leaders, they wouldn't do much more than grumble. He smiled courteously. "I thank you for the offer. Please allow me to contact my ship first, to report on the situation and let them know I will be delayed returning."

Garazha nodded regally, and Jim pulled out his communicator, calling Chris. The Admiral picked up quickly, and was relieved to know that it was done, and that Jim was unharmed. When Jim informed him of the offer to stay and dine, he seemed less than thrilled.

"Are you sure, Jim?" the older man hedged, sounding worried. "That doctor of yours will kill me if I let you overdo things."

Jim rolled his eyes, smiling fondly. "McCoy will kill me worse. Don't worry, Chris. I'm fine. I'll be back on the _Yorktown_ in a few hours."

He hung up and put the communicator away. "I thank you again, Chief Garazha. I would be honored to join you for a meal."

They began to move towards the exit, Jim flanked on both sides by Garazha and K'Temoc, seemingly warning everyone else to remain on their best behavior. Guards fell into step in front of and behind the group. Seeing K'Temoc receiving such consideration from his Clan chief was surprising for Jim, who knew that there had been a period of time where K'Temoc's Clan had fallen out of favor with the rest of the leaders. Considering the courtesies he was being shown, and the fact that K'Temoc appeared to have risen in status, showed Jim that things had most likely changed for the better.

"What did he mean, when he worried over upsetting a doctor?" K'Temoc asked curiously, looking over at the Captain he actually thought he might call a friend.

Jim sighed resignedly. "I sort of only just got out of the hospital a few days before you called me," he admitted. "The whole mess with Harrison, it wasn't pretty. Long story short, he shot me while making his escape, and I guess it wasn't exactly a minor wound. My Chief Medical Officer was not thrilled with me making this trip, and he flat-out refused to let me even consider beaming down to the surface, which is why I had to come by shuttle."

Garazha and K'Temoc seemed to share a significant look over Jim's head, before Garazha pursed his lips. "We will not be offended if you must decline our offer to dine, Captain. If you are indeed recuperating from a grievous wound, we do not wish to prolong your recovery."

Jim shook his head quickly. "Thank you for the consideration, but I'm fine," he assured them. "My friends have a habit of worrying too much. I am honored that you invited me to join you."

Garazha nodded slowly, and said no more, as they entered the banquet hall. He steered the Captain to a seat at the same table as the rest of the Clan Chiefs, while K'Temoc took his place at another table, with several others wearing the Klingon uniform that signified their rank as Captain.

Jim found himself drawn into conversation with several of the Chiefs, who actually appeared to be doing their best to include him. They definitely appreciated not having to stick to Standard, and quickly asked for an explanation of how a human could speak their language so well.

Jim grimaced, but managed an appreciative smile. " _One of Starfleet's best linguists taught me when I was a teenager. She was very talented, and I was very eager to learn._ "

It was late by the time the meal was finished, and Jim was very ready to go back to the _Yorktown_ and sleep for a day or a week. Still, he maintained professionalism as he thanked the Klingons once more for their inclusion of a Starfleet representative, and for inviting him to dine with them afterwards, before he headed back to his shuttle.

**XXX**

The trip back was as uneventful as the one out. Everyone on the _Yorktown_ was relieved to leave Klingon space, and even more relieved to be back on the other side of the Neutral Zone, in Federation Space once more.

Jim went over his report with Chris and Shay, and they were happy to hear that everything had gone according to plan. From the sound of it, Jim had done a lot to bridge the hostility between the Klingons and the Federation.

Jim talked with his friends back on Earth, and with Carol and Jon, hearing about the continued press concerning his and Carol's relationship.

Jon had given a statement, saying simply that Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Wallace had made every step to ensure objectivity on the job, and they had the full support of the Admiralty.

Privately, he gave Jim a small dressing down over not making it official before all this mess and saving them all the headache, but he did understand why they hadn't done it.

From what Jim's friends had told him, several members of the crew were also being hounded for information and exclusive scoops, but from what Spock said, no one had actually given the press anything. Jim's crew would follow him to the edge of the universe without hesitation, without even needing to be asked. They had kept his relationship a secret for years, and it didn't matter what the press tried to offer them now, they weren't about to sell him or Carol out.

When the _Yorktown_ finally returned to Earth, Chris barely let Jim stay on duty long enough to give his report to Archer and three other Admirals, before he cut in and demanded they let the Captain return to his apartment to rest. After all, even with everything that had happened lately, it still hadn't been that long since Jim had gotten out of the hospital.

The other Admirals grumbled, but Archer agreed, and let Chris steer Jim out of the large room and across the campus to the Officers residence buildings.

He didn't waste any time in ordering Jim to take at least twelve hours to sleep before he even thought about checking in with Scotty and the progress on the _Enterprise_ , like Chris knew Jim was eager to do. When the Captain protested, Chris got firm. "You want me to tell McCoy about all that 'resting' you did on the trip back?" he asked archly. Jim grimaced, looking away, and Chris nodded knowingly. "If I check the logs I'm sure I can get an exact number for how many hours you spent helping Higgins out in Engineering when you should have been sleeping."

Jim rolled his eyes and sat on the couch. Chris sat beside him with a small sigh. "Jim, I know Higgins was happy to have your help, and I'm sure he got plenty of ideas for questionably legal upgrades over the last few days, but you need to remember that you just got out of the hospital. Take the time to rest, Jim. You've earned it."

Jim shrugged, but didn't argue anymore and headed for the bedroom. "Completely legal," he called back through the open door. Chris could hear him changing into more comfortable clothes. "Higgins would never go for half the things we did to the _Enterprise_ over the last few years." That was definitely a smile in the younger man's voice, and Chris felt himself responding in kind.

"I'm not going to ask," he replied, injecting a world-weary tone to his voice, just so Jim would know how much he had to put up with.

Jim poked his head out of the bedroom, now completely changed into sweatpants, though his chest was bare. "That's probably for the best," he grinned cheekily. "You should go do something not involving watching me sleep. And if you happen to run across anyone looking to check in on me for my own good, please tell them to shove it up their ass. I'm not planning on doing anything other than sleeping for the next eight hours at least, I don't need a babysitter."

Chris could see the amusement in Jim's gaze, but he also knew that the Captain was serious, so he nodded and stood up. "I'll let McCoy know. I'm sure they've all heard that we're back by now, but the fact that they're not here already probably means they think you're still giving your report."

Jim shrugged. "I'm sure the memo went out as soon as we docked. I'll see them all when I wake up."

Chris nodded again, and waited until the bedroom door closed behind Jim before he made for the apartment's exit.

Somehow he wasn't surprised to see Jim's command crew heading for the building right as he stepped outside. He shook his head as they drew closer. "He's asleep or will be soon," the Admiral informed them. "He asked me to tell anyone who wants to go check on him for his own good, to shove it up their asses." He saw McCoy's glower, Uhura's small smirk of amusement, and the way Sulu rolled his eyes, and continued, "He's going to sleep for the next eight hours at least, and he'll find you when he wakes up."

None of them looked particularly pleased, but most started to wander away under the Admiral's stern gaze. Sure Jim needed watching sometimes or he'd go do something stupid like not look after his own injuries properly or design an entirely new starship. But he also respected Jim, and the Captain had asked for some space so he would honor that.

After a minute, it was just Carol and McCoy standing there with Chris. The Doctor frowned. "How is he, really."

Chris sighed and rubbed a hand across his face wearily. "He's tired." The Admiral shrugged weakly. "I think he's still feeling some pain, but the man's pain threshold is so high it can be hard to tell sometimes. But he's not any worse than when we left, he just needs some rest."

McCoy's frown didn't disappear, but he nodded sharply and walked away. Carol pursed her lips once he was gone. "Are you going to keep me out too?" she asked, a dangerous lilt to her voice that told Chris just how successful he would be if he tried.

Chris rolled his eyes and stepped aside, leaving a clear path to the door. "I know better than that," he assured the young woman. "Besides, don't you basically live here? I can't very well keep you out of your own apartment."

Carol blushed lightly, but didn't reply beyond a simple smile as she passed him, heading inside. They hadn't really discussed moving in together yet, but Carol was sure they would get around to it eventually. It wasn't like they weren't thinking about it, and Carol had barely stepped foot inside her own apartment in weeks.

**XXX**

With no other obligations, the _Enterprise_ crew settled in for shore leave. Most of the crew took off for a couple of months, after Scotty and Jim set a timeline that would have the ship fixed up and ready to depart in at least three months, likely four.

The command crew mostly stuck around San Francisco; McCoy and Joanna took a few trips out to Georgia to see McCoy's mother, sometimes taking April along. Uhura and Spock went to visit Uhura's family for a week. But for the most part, they stayed at headquarters, working when they needed to and enjoying the vacation when they didn't.

Jim and Scotty were definitely the busiest, making multiple trips to the shipyard at Riverside, working with the design team to upgrade and install the _Enterprise_ 's new warp core. Jim wasn't thrilled with the many trips to his childhood hometown, but he was excited to work on some new ideas with his ship.

After three months, the _Enterprise_ was fixed enough that it was able to leave dry dock, and they sent it back up to Starbase One, the base in orbit above Earth, to finish the final upgrades and installations, before the ship and her crew would head out once more.

Jim sent out a final notice to all his crew, informing them of their impending departure in four weeks, and then buckled down with Scotty, making sure they would have everything done on time.

The duo were on the ship above the planet, discussing their timeline and working out some of the details in the schedule, when Jim's comm. chimed with an incoming message.

It was Jon. Something was clearly wrong, Jim thought, as the Admiral informed him that his immediate presence was being requested.

Scotty frowned when Jim hung up. "Sounds important," the Engineer commented.

Jim bit his lip as he nodded a reply. "I should go find out what's going on. Everything seems on schedule for now, we can finish this up later."

He quickly made his way to the transporter room, wondering what the hell had Jon so concerned.

**XXX**

Jon was alone in his office when Jim arrived, and looked up, relieved, as the Captain knocked lightly on the doorframe. "Jim, come on in, close the door behind you."

Jim did so, and then furrowed his brow when Jon gestured for him to pull a seat over to his side of the desk. "What's going on?" he asked, complying with the odd request.

Jon sighed and typed in a few commands to his computer. "I got an encrypted call from Klingon space a short while ago. That Klingon friend of yours wouldn't tell me what's going on, just demanded that I bring you in so that he could talk to you directly."

Jim pursed his lips in thought as Jon connected the call that had come in roughly fifteen minutes earlier.

The screen blurred a moment, and then cleared to show K'Temoc sitting behind a desk in what looked to be an office on a ship. The Klingon attempted a smile, but it came off as strained to the two Starfleet officials.

Jim leaned forward slightly. "K'Temoc, Admiral Archer said you needed to speak with us?"

K'Temoc inclined his head slightly. "I apologize for the subterfuge. However, we recently came across something rather… disturbing, and I thought you might want to know about it."

Jon shifted impatiently. "What is it?" he asked brusquely. It was a strange day indeed, when he was sharing information with Klingons, and they were thinking about Starfleet's feelings on situations that they came across. Just what was so serious that the Klingons actually wanted to get them involved?

K'Temoc grimaced. "My crew and I recently intercepted an unknown ship making for a secluded sector of one of our controlled planets. It appeared to be attempting to flee or hide, and when we boarded, we found only one man."

Jim frowned. "What does that have to do with us?"

An expression that seemed almost… concerned… flashed across the Klingon's face. "When we searched the man's ship, we found some rather concerning documents. The man appears to have been collecting information on you, Jim."

The only outward expression of shock that the Captain showed was a slight raising of his eyebrows. "Seriously?"

K'Temoc nodded and held up several PADDs. "Information on your Starfleet career, details from when you attended the Academy, your academic experiences," he lowered the PADDs and leaned forward, interested. "Is it true that you designed the warp core that Starfleet uses in their Constellation Class ships?"

Jim grimaced. "Maybe not the time," he retorted, glancing over at Jon who was looking significantly more alarmed. Reading the situation from a warrior's standpoint, Jim knew that if the Klingons ever wanted to get information on how to sabotage Starfleet's ships, they would now know that they could gain a significant advantage by going after him. But now wasn't the moment to be thinking about that. They apparently had a stalker to deal with first.

K'Temoc immediately nodded contritely. "I apologize, you are correct of course. I was simply impressed. I can respect the work and effort that must have gone into that design. But back to the matter at hand. In addition to academic and professional, if this information is all about you then there are older documents as well, from your childhood. We also found many photos. It appears to go back years, if all of these _are_ of you."

He flicked through a few images on the PADD, and came to a stop at one, holding it up to the screen to show the two Starfleet officers.

Jim stood up quickly, leaning forward to view the image more closely. "That's me," he confirmed grimly, looking back at Jon. "I remember that trip. I was traveling through Europe for a few months, right after…" he trailed off, but Jon understood without the complete sentence. "I was fourteen."

K'Temoc was also looking concerned now, flicking through a few more images. "Many of these appear to have been taken during your teen years, though there are some that seem to have come from later, when you were attending Starfleet Academy. Only a few candid shots from after your received your Captaincy, but there are many official photos on here as well. From news articles and the like. Most appear to have been taken from a distance, without your knowledge."

"Has this man given you a name?" Jon asked, trying not to show his fury at the gross violation of privacy, or his worry at what this man wanted with Jim.

K'Temoc nodded. "He called himself Karidian. I am uncertain if it is real but it is all he would give us." He picked up another PADD. "Here is the photo we took. Do you recognize him?"

He turned the PADD around to show the two men on the other end of the call.

Jon shook his head in confusion, not recognizing the man in the photo – he was glaring at the screen, his brown eyes glittering with malice or disdain. His gray hair was balding on top, but – perhaps in defiance of this fact – he wore it long, down to his shoulders.

"I don't recognize him," Jon said softly. "Jim?"

There was no response. Jon looked up, confused. Jim was still standing, his gaze fixed on the image in front of him, but he didn't appear to be completely aware of anything around him.

He also didn't appear to be breathing.

Jon quickly stood up as well, focusing on the Captain, concern clouting everything else. "Jim? What's wrong?"

Jim blinked slowly, his expression flashing briefly with something like pain or fear, before it schooled back to a blank façade. Suddenly, a shuddering ripple worked its way down his spine, and he collapsed back into his seat.


	29. Chapter 29

"Jim? Come on Jim, talk to me. What's going on? Who is that?"

Archer was getting worried. Jim hadn't spoken in several moments, and didn't seem to be completely aware of the situation around him.

K'Temoc put the PADD down. "I guess I don't need to ask if you know him," he commented dryly, though his tone didn't completely mask his own concern for the state of the Captain on the other end of the call.

Jim focused his mind on taking several calming breaths, and on not letting the tears he could feel building in his eyes escape. After a minute, he closed his eyes tightly against the burning, took one last deep breath, and let it out slowly, opening his eyes.

Jon seemed content to wait for the most part, but when he sensed Jim was getting a grip on himself, he straightened in his seat slightly and adopted the authoritative Admiral tone of voice that he knew the Captain in Jim would not be able to help but respond to. "Report, Captain Kirk."

Just as he had thought, Jim quickly snapped out of whatever hellish thoughts had captured his mind for the last few minutes. He still wouldn't meet Jon's or K'Temoc's gaze, his own eyes remaining fixed on the desk, as he quietly replied, "Karidian is not his real name. I knew him as Kodos."

Jon sat back in his seat, startled at the information. That was not what he had been expecting. Swallowing harshly, he turned to the computer. "K'Temoc, that man is a fugitive from the Federation. He is wanted for the murder of over four thousand Federation citizens. Would your people be opposed to handing him over to us face justice?"

K'Temoc frowned in thought, thinking about all the research he had done after his first meeting with Jim. He had been intrigued, about the Captain and about the history of the deserted planet they had met on. He had looked into what had happened and why, and came up with the former governor, known as Kodos the Executioner, who had decided to murder half the colony to let the other half live; according to official records, he had been killed when Starfleet had arrived.

"I was led to believe that this man had been killed upon Starfleet's arrival at the planet Tarsus IV more than fifteen years ago," the Klingon commented, intrigued. "All reports that I was able to read indicated that the man was dead."

Jon flinched, looking ashamed. "We found a body, burned beyond recognition," he admitted ruefully. "The Admirals decided that it would be better for everyone, including the survivors, to have the situation resolved. We had carried out a private search for the man for a few years, but nothing ever came of it." He looked at Jim, remorse clear in his expression. "Jim…"

Jim just shook his head, finally looking up. "I knew he wasn't dead, Jon, you don't have to apologize. I might not like the lying and subterfuge, but I did understand why you all did it. Eventually, anyway."

Jon furrowed his brow. "How did you know?" he asked curiously. "We kept that information highly classified."

A ghost of a smirk crossed Jim's face for a brief moment. "I know I've said this before, but Starfleet really needs better firewalls."

Jon sighed wearily and shook his head. "I probably shouldn't be surprised," he muttered under his breath. Louder, he continued, "Maybe that's something you can help with, if you have time before you ship out again."

Jim didn't say anything, but he nodded slightly in agreement, and Jon turned back to the computer. "So do you think the Klingons would be willing to hand the fugitive over?"

K'Temoc looked uncertain. "I will address the issue with the Clan leaders. I would recommend sending a ship to wait near the Neutral Zone, just in case. If, and I do believe it to be possible, the leaders agree, we will bring Karidian, or Kodos as he is known, to your envoy."

Jon inclined his head gratefully. "Thank you very much; we appreciate your disclosure."

K'Temoc didn't reply, and just signed off. Jon turned back to Jim, whose gaze had fallen once more to the desk in front of him. He wanted to say something that could offer some sort of comfort, but he had no idea what that would be, so he just sighed. "I'll send the _Endeavor_. They're pretty close to the Neutral Zone right now, so it shouldn't take too long to get them in place." He worried his lower lip, wishing he knew what was going on in the younger man's head right now. "I'll make sure the Captain uses discretion. If Kodos –" He paused as Jim attempted to hide the shudder that rippled across his shoulders. "Apparently he's been stalking you for a while. I'd rather none of this get out before we have a chance to get ahead of the game." He wanted to ask if the kid knew why the former governor had been gathering information on him, wondering if it aided the theories he and Richard had thought up, that Jim had been the one to send Starfleet the incriminating documents that had brought the situation to Starfleet's attention. The documents that proved what Kodos had done. No one could confirm where the information had come from, but finding the teenager JT in the state he was, compiled with the vague suggestions that had been noted in the documents themselves, had certainly suggested that the kid was more than just an ordinary victim.

Jim still continued to stare at the desk, even after Jon fell silent. He remained unmoving for long enough that Jon was seriously considering comming Chris or Lieutenant Wallace, or maybe Spock or McCoy; any of them could probably help better than he could. But before he had a chance, Jim levered himself out of the chair and left the office.

Jon watched the door close behind the Captain. "Shit," he muttered, before leaning over to pick up his comm.

**XXX**

Chris found Jim throwing up in an alley next to Cochrane Hall. He waited until the kid was finished, before he moved forward, offering the young man a hand.

Jim didn't bother resisting, and let the Admiral maneuver him a few feet away; Chris gently pulled Jim with him as he sank down to the ground, leaning against the sun-warmed metal wall of Cochrane Hall. The Captain didn't have to ask how the older man had found him, knowing that Jon had probably sent him. He wasn't even upset that Jon had told someone. It could just have easily been Carol or Bones that the Admiral had sent, and then Jim would have felt like he had to pull himself together and pretend that nothing was wrong.

He didn't have it in him to pretend right now.

So Chris really was the best option. The man knew everything, or at least almost everything, and he wouldn't expect anything. Indeed, Chris just sat there, waiting, watching the threads of thought chase their way across Jim's pensive face. He kept one grip on Jim's arm, where it had settled as soon as he had announced his presence, but it was more of a grounding touch, to keep Jim from disappearing completely into the past.

After several minutes of silence, Jim finally drew in a deep shuddering breath. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say right now," he admitted quietly, his gaze remaining fixed on the ground in front of him.

Chris frowned worriedly. "You don't have to try," he promised. "Whatever's going on in that head of yours, just don't fake it, not for me."

It was slightly more hesitant than Chris wanted, but Jim did nod once in agreement, so the Admiral would take it. "I don't know what to do," he finally responded, his voice barely above a whisper.

Chris managed to contain his wince, and instead worked on getting the man back on his feet. "You don't have to figure it out right now. Let's just get back to your apartment, OK?"

Jim nodded minutely, and allowed the Admiral to lead him across the campus to the residence buildings. Chris kept one hand on his arm, a steady presence that reassured Jim, even if he didn't quite know how to say it. When they reached Jim's apartment, Chris let them in, and then set Jim down on the couch. "Why don't you change, get comfortable. I can talk to your friends, if you want. Keep them away. You don't have to interact with anyone until you're ready, I'll make sure to clear everything. Or I can tell them to come over, if you'd rather that."

Jim pondered the offer for a moment, and then shook his head. "There's no quicker way to worry everyone than to tell them to leave me alone," he sighed, leaning back into the sofa wearily. "I've still got a few hours before they realize something's up. It'll be fine."

Chris nodded, but he didn't look completely convinced. "Do you want me to stay?"

Jim almost said yes. He thought about it. But in the end, all he really wanted was to be alone, so he shook his head, offering up what he hoped was a smile that successfully conveyed his gratitude.

Chris returned the smile, though it was a little more strained than he would have liked. "Take some time to process, Jim. If you need me just call, all right?"

Jim inclined his head, and Chris left. Jim sat there for another few minutes, before he decided that the Admiral was right, and he went to go change out of his uniform.

That act done, he sat at his computer and steeled himself to make a few unpleasant calls. The Admiralty would handle informing survivors of the recent development, eventually; but that could take days, and it wouldn't happen until and unless the Klingons handed him over. He owed it to his kids to let them know immediately.

He started with the easiest one. Cory was probably at the library right now, or in his office at UC Berkley. The call connected pretty quickly, and Cory immediately dropped what he was doing when he saw the expression his cousin was wearing.

Jim could barely hear his own voice through the fog that seemed to surround him, and knew that he had to get a better grip or he would seriously worry his friends.

Cory's own expression dropped immediately when he heard the news. "But they… I thought he was dead!"

Jim shrugged, slumping down in his seat. "Starfleet needed closure, the victims needed closure. They gave us that. Doesn't really matter anymore. Point is, they're working on bringing him back to face justice, so there will probably be a trial or something. I don't have too many details right now, but I wanted to let you know."

Cory immediately straightened and attempted a smile. "Thanks, Jim. I didn't mean to be demanding. I've got some work to finish up, but I'll come over as soon as I'm done."

Jim tried to return the smile, and signed off.

His next call was Tom, and went about as well. Tom was furious at Starfleet, but grateful that Jim had contacted him directly, rather than having to wait for an official notice. "If there's a trial, will we have to testify?" he asked, concerned.

Jim grimaced, not quite managing to hide the flash of fear that shone in his eyes. "I don't know," he admitted. "I think they'll probably need to at least prove that it's him, and there are only nine people who have seen his face. We might have to identify him, but I can try to keep you and Kevin out, if you want. I don't really know the other witnesses, but you only saw him a couple of times; with my own testimony, that might be all they need."

Tom knew that he was probably right, but it didn't seem honorable or fair to let the other man take that whole burden on alone. He shook his head. "I won't run away from it, JT," he promised, not even realizing he had slipped into using the old nickname. "If they want me to ID him, I will. I refuse to be afraid of the bastard anymore."

Jim's smile was just a shadow of what it could have been, but to Tom, it was like the brightest sun, and he mentally applauded himself for helping his brother in all but blood, just a little.

"I've got a few more calls to make, but we'll talk again soon, all right?" Jim asked, shifting slightly in his seat.

Tom nodded quickly. "I'm on the next transport back to Earth," he replied immediately. "It'll take me a couple days to get there, but I'll let you know when I arrive."

Jim smiled again, this time a little more genuinely. "I can't wait to see you," he said quietly.

When the call disconnected, Jim did feel a little better. It wasn't easy, sharing this news, but it felt good to have the support of the others, knowing that they were just as upset and worried as he was, but they were rallying. They wouldn't let Kodos have any more of them than he had already taken.

He placed several more calls, to those kids whose contact information he still had – Kieran, Sha'al, and Percy – and sent messages to a couple others that he knew he could reach in that way. None of those he talked to were thrilled with the situation, but they were grateful to get the personal contact, rather than hearing about it in the news. Their conversations held some subtle rebukes for not telling them who he was – it was bad enough that they had to hear that Kodos was still alive, but to also find out that their savior was the famous Captain Kirk? Kieran wasn't quite as surprised as the other two, since he apparently thought he had recognized Jim's face after the news broke on the _Narada_ incident, but the others were completely blindsided. Still, even with that, they were thankful for the personal notification.

Once the calls were done, he sent out messages to Kevin and April. Those two he could actually talk to in person, and he preferred to have this conversation face to face with those he could.

They arrived within ten minutes, both looking concerned and apprehensive. Nothing good came of group messages to those two that asked them to come meet with Jim immediately.

In a halting, hesitant tone, Jim told them what had happened.

April sat down heavily on the couch as soon as the first three words left Jim's mouth. " _They found him._ "

She didn't even need to know anything else to know what he was talking about. But she let him continue as Kevin also sat down, on Jim's other side. She listened in a detached sort of way, as Jim told them that the Klingons had found Kodos, and had gotten in touch with Archer, who had sent for him. He had identified the man from a picture, and they were working out a deal that could get the Klingons to release him to Starfleet so that he could face justice for his crimes.

April didn't even realize that she was pressed so firmly against Jim's side until she felt his arm circle around her shoulders, hugging her gently.

On his other side, Kevin also pressed close. There were tears in his eyes as he whispered quietly, "I thought he was supposed to be dead?"

Jim almost flinched, but he forced himself to remain outwardly calm as he replied, "They found a body, burned beyond recognition. It's not the same thing."

April looked up at him and frowned, realizing what Starfleet had done.

Jim sighed and shook his head. "I get why they told everyone he was dead," he said softly, reaching out with the hand not wrapped around April, to rub Kevin's back soothingly. The younger man leaned into the touch gratefully. "Everyone needed closure, and Starfleet wanted it to be over. I hate it, and I probably would have been even more furious if I didn't already know that they had lied to everyone, but I do understand, from a purely logical viewpoint."

"Wait – you knew that they had lied?" Kevin sat up quickly, looking startled.

Jim shrugged. "I spent a lot of time hacking Starfleet when I was a teenager," he admitted ruefully. April and Kevin couldn't hide their smiles. "I was an angry kid, and I wanted to know everything Starfleet knew about Tarsus. Some of it was that I wanted to make sure they still didn't know my identity, and erase any evidence that might potentially lead them to me, but I also wanted the truth. I found it." He sighed, and Kevin settled back down. "I probably should have told you before now, I just… it seemed like it was over. I wanted to put it all in the back of my mind and forget it. Bringing up the truth, telling people that Starfleet had lied… it just didn't seem worth it."

"Would you have been able to?" April asked curiously. "I remember Starfleet making us all sign some pretty extensive nondisclosure agreements, before they'd let anyone leave."

Jim grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I kind of escaped from the hospital before they managed to force me to sign anything," he admitted. Shaking himself off, he attempted to rein in his turbulent emotions. Part of him was really wishing he had put off having this conversation a while longer, to give himself an opportunity to process and maybe break down a little in private before he had to pretend that he wasn't completely shattering inside. But April and Kevin deserved to know the truth as soon as possible, and it didn't matter how much he wanted to come apart at the seams, he would shove it all aside to be there for them.

They lapsed into silence after that, both April and Kevin leaning into Jim comfortingly, while the Captain continued to offer what support he could.

That was how Carol found them roughly fifteen minutes later. She frowned, concerned, when she saw the trio huddled on the couch, April almost relaxed enough to actually be asleep, though both Kevin and Jim looked up as she entered.

Jim flicked his eyes towards the bedroom, and understanding, Carol headed for the room.

Her boyfriend joined her a minute later, sighing wearily as the door closed behind him. "Thanks," he said softly, taking a seat on the bed.

Carol sat next to him, her concern stepping up a notch. "Jim, what's going on? What's wrong?"

Jim sighed gustily as his shoulders slumped. "It's been an… interesting day."

That didn't help ease Carol's fears, and she listened with growing horror as Jim told her what was going on. "What can I do?" she asked softly, as Jim fell silent.

The Captain managed to muster up a small smile as he reached over and drew her into a light hug. "Just be here," he replied, burrowing his head into her shoulder.

Carol immediately moved her arms, hugging him back tightly. "I can do that," she promised. Pulling back, she frowned minutely. "Does Leonard know?" she asked suddenly. "I ran into him earlier, and he looked worried. He said that April left in the middle of her shift."

Jim shook his head. "I wanted to tell the ones directly affected first. I'll tell everyone else, but I thought the ones who were there… the ones that I still have contact info for anyway… they should know before it winds up splashed across every news outlet from here to the Andromeda Galaxy."

Carol nodded in understanding. "Well you know we're all here for you. And Kevin, and April. Nothing has changed in how any of us see you."

Jim smiled again, slightly wider as he looked down a few inches into his girlfriend's comforting gaze. "I know," he said, leaning down to give her a light kiss. "I'm going to tell them, I just haven't had a chance yet." He sighed. "I won't say it's not hard, or that I'll actually be able to accept help if I need it, but I do understand that you're all here."

Carol clasped his hand tightly. "That's enough for me." She stood up, Jim following her lead. "Why don't I go get some food for us. It's nearly dinnertime, right?"

Jim nodded quickly. "Thanks." They left the bedroom, finding both Kevin and April sitting up on the couch, looking much more awake than they had when Jim had left them.

Carol offered them a smile on her way out, as Jim told them where she was going. April groaned and stood up, shaking herself off. "I'm going to go get changed. I'll be back in a few minutes, all right?"

Kevin settled back down on the couch as the doctor left, Jim joining him once he had grabbed a PADD from his desk, and they settled into silence as they waited for the two women to return.

**XXX**

Carol had just finished laying out the takeout containers on the living room floor, when Cory arrived. He looked entirely shaken and ready for the day to be over, but managed to muster up a smile when Carol passed him a takeout carton and a fork.

As they all settled onto the floor to eat, they determinedly didn't talk about the situation.

McCoy arrived right as they were finishing, looking for April, and knew immediately that something was wrong. He listened in furious silence as Jim quietly updated him on what had happened. "How the hell was that asshole able to stay free for so long?" he fumed, taking a seat on the couch. "Wasn't he supposed to be dead?"

Jim shrugged and set his carton of food down. "He faked his own death. It's been known to happen before. Starfleet knew, but they decided that closure was more important than the truth." Yeah, that didn't sound bitter at all.

McCoy scowled. "So they just lied to the universe, knowing that he's still out there somewhere. Were they even looking for him?"

Jim shrugged again, determinedly not meeting the doctor's gaze.

After a tense moment of silence, Cory shifted slightly and looked at his cousin. "So what do you want us to do?"

McCoy and Carol were amazed at the way Kevin and April also immediately turned their attention to Jim, looking at him as if he had all the answers to life itself. They had known, in the abstract, that he had led them, that he had kept them safe and alive; but it was still startling to see the implicit trust they placed in him, the way they looked to him to lead them through this next hurdle.

Jim sighed and leaned back against the couch. "For now, nothing. I'll let you know what happens, if the Klingons hand him over and what Starfleet's going to do."

"What do you think will happen?" April asked from her spot next to McCoy, where she had moved when he had arrived.

Jim was quiet for a few moments. "It depends on how it goes getting him back here. Either they'll make a big PR opportunity out of his trial, or they'll do it quietly to avoid people asking why he's alive. If they can get away with no one finding out, I think they'll probably do it."

McCoy and Carol looked varying degrees of disgusted with the idea of Starfleet continuing to try and avoid their screw up getting out, but the others looked all right with it, since it meant their closeness to the situation was less likely to get out.

Jim didn't want it to turn into a media circus; he wasn't thrilled with the way Starfleet had handled things back then, and he knew he'd still have to testify, but if they were able to keep it out of the media, he could do it privately and maybe avoid having to actually see the man who had at one point been someone he had looked up to and admired, before everything had gone to hell.

He was also worried about why Kodos had so much information on him. He hoped Jon was planning on finding out why the man had been stalking him. At the same time, as much as he wanted to know, he was afraid of what might be discovered.

They stayed there, talking about anything except Tarsus and Kodos, for a few more hours, before McCoy declared that it was late and they should all get some sleep. He wasn't naïve enough to think they'd actually get much rest, but he thought he should try and make an effort.

Carol was apparently on the same wavelength, but she also figured the others didn't want to be alone, but maybe didn't know how to say it, so she disappeared into the bedroom and reemerged a minute later with blankets and pillows, which she dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

Jim's grateful look said everything, and they all grabbed a piece of floor.

Kevin was quick to claim a space next to Jim, while Carol took his other side. Since Joanna was at a sleepover, McCoy didn't have any reason to leave, so he lay down next to April; the female doctor maneuvered herself so that she was within arm's length of the Captain; Cory chose a similarly close position, and everyone settled down to sleep.

**XXX**

Chekov and Sulu were the first to arrive in the morning, far earlier than what most people would consider 'polite calling hours', but neither of them had heard from Jim since the day before yesterday, and though they didn't want to admit it, they were worried. It wasn't like Jim to not check in at least once a day.

They were surprised to see McCoy answer the door, blinking owlishly but somehow managing to also give the pair his usual irritated glare. "It's far too early to be making house calls," he grumbled, but he stepped back to let the two enter.

Now that the doctor wasn't blocking their view, the pilot and navigator could see Jim, along with what looked like April, Kevin, and Cory, asleep on the floor, all tangled in a mess of pillows and blankets. Carol was sitting up, attempting to extract herself from the pile without waking anyone.

Sulu offhandedly wished for a camera in that moment; Kevin was snuggled up against Jim's side, and April was clutching his hand tightly, while Cory seemed to be grasping the hem of Jim's shirt, and unwilling to let go any time soon.

It was almost as if the three needed to reassure themselves that Jim was still there, even in sleep.

Sulu bit his lip and looked back at McCoy. "Pavel was worried that we didn't hear from Jim at all yesterday," he said softly, not wanting to wake anyone up.

Chekov rolled his eyes, glaring lightly at the pilot. "You were just as concerned," he shot back. "Is something wrong?" he glanced at Jim, and then turned back to McCoy, his expression pleading.

Leonard sighed slightly, not wanting to have to share this news, but also wanting to take some of the burden, so that Jim wouldn't have to do it.

Carol managed to get herself free, and joined the group standing just inside the door. "I'll get breakfast ready," she informed them. "You're all welcome to stay, of course."

She disappeared into the kitchen, and McCoy was about to close the door, when he saw Uhura, Spock, and Scotty making their way down the hall. He sighed again, this time more exasperatedly, and waited until the newcomers entered, before he shut the door.

Spock raised an eyebrow at the group still passed out on the floor. "The Captain did not initiate his regular check-in yesterday. Lieutenant Uhura informed me that she likewise did not receive any communication; we thought it best to ensure his wellbeing."

McCoy rolled his eyes, and Scotty let out a soft snort, before sobering. "He ran out after a call from Archer yesterday; I tried comming him later, but he didn't answer. Seems like something serious?"

They were interrupted by those on the floor beginning to stir; Jim was the first to sit up, but the others were quick to follow, and none of them looked comfortable at realizing that they were being watched.

Fortunately, Carol diffused the moment by reappearing in the living room and pressing Chekov, Sulu, and Spock into helping her bring breakfast out for everyone – they wouldn't all fit in the tiny kitchen.

Jim and the others gathered up the blankets and pillows and threw them into the bedroom, before they all settled onto various pieces of furniture and the floor to eat.

After a few minutes of silence filled with everyone helping themselves to pancakes, eggs, and bacon, Chekov once more broached the subject that had brought them all to the Captain's apartment.

Jim was about to reply to the Navigator's query, when his comm. chimed. With a regretful look at his full plate, he excused himself and headed into the bedroom to take the call.

Everyone else looked at each other, before Uhura forcefully set her fork down. "All right, what's wrong."

Kevin flinched, and April grasped McCoy's hand, as she quietly filled them in on the situation.

Chekov went white, his knife clattering to the floor as his eyes widened. Sulu, on his right, quickly rested an arm across his shoulders, rubbing his arm reassuringly.

"But –" Uhura cut herself off, not wanting to dig into the situation any more, afraid that if she asked why the man was still alive, she would only make things worse.

April shook her head sadly. "Starfleet took advantage of an opportunity back then, and it looks like it might come back to bite them in the ass." Spock looked mildly confused, but didn't question the odd turn of phrase, and April sighed, looking down at her plate. Suddenly she wasn't so hungry anymore. "He disappeared back then. Apparently they found a body, and decided to pass it off as _him_. Jim says Archer will let him know when the Klingons make a decision, and whatever happens from there will determine how things get handled back here."

Jim rejoined them at that moment, and didn't meet any of their worried gazes as he dropped back down to the floor, picking up his plate once more. "Jon says the Klingons have agreed to release him," he informed them, poking a pancake disinterestedly. By the way they were looking at him, he knew they had been told. "The _Endeavor_ will meet them on our side of the Neutral Zone, and bring him back. Should take about three or four days."

"The Klingons will really just hand him over?" Sulu asked curiously. He knew that they had gotten help from the warrior race before, and Jim was even on decent terms with some of them, but he had still gone most of his life thinking of them as enemies.

Jim shrugged and took a small bite of eggs, chewing slowly. "They want recognition," he replied. "They want it known that they're cooperating with us, which Jon is completely on board with."

"Did he say anything about after…?" Kevin asked nervously. He would do whatever was needed to put that bastard away forever, but he really didn't relish the thought of coming face to face with his biggest nightmare.

Jim grimaced and pushed his plate away. He really wasn't hungry anymore. "Jon's working on contacting the survivors. He's trying to get everyone who can identify him here within the week. They're going to try to do this quietly, but they also need to uphold the law, you know, and that means a fair trial."

Spock watched his Captain diligently, keeping his concerns from showing on his face. He was worried. Jim had told him that he had dealt with Tarsus, but Spock doubted that was the complete truth. He believed that the man had simply pushed it aside and refused to let it become an issue; the problem with that was that it appeared to be threatening to overwhelm him now.

But he had worked with and been friends with Jim long enough by this point to know that his Captain wouldn't be amenable to a direct confrontation, so he simply resolved to be there, however his friend needed him.

Jim took a moment to collect himself, managing a small smile when Carol grasped his hand tightly, offering whatever support she could. After a minute of silence, he let out a low breath. "Jon said he'll keep in touch, and I'll probably have to meet with him and the Attorney General at some point, but there's really not much for us to do right now."

It seemed so insurmountable right now; all he wanted was for this to be over. He just wanted to go back to space and live his life.

"What will be expected of us?" April asked, leaning into McCoy's side.

Jim bit his lip and looked at Kevin apologetically. "You might be called. Jon said they'll probably want testimony from all the witnesses; if you want, I can try to see if they can work with just me."

Kevin shook his head immediately. "I'm not running from this, Jim. I'll testify." It would undoubtedly be one of the hardest things he'd ever do, but he wouldn't let Jim take on an additional burden for him, not anymore.

Jim nodded slightly, a strange look in his eyes that was almost _pride_ – parental pride for a child who was standing up for himself, for what was right, and refusing to bow down in the face of adversity. He turned to April. "You probably won't have to do anything," he assured her. "You didn't see his face, you've got nothing to add. No offense."

April smiled minutely, relieved, and then guilty for feeling relieved. Her friends were going through so much pain, and she couldn't really do anything to help relieve them of it. Jim met her gaze knowingly, and a subtle shake of the head told her that he knew exactly what she was thinking, simultaneously telling her to stop going down that road, it would lead to nowhere good and it was completely unhelpful.

"So what are you going to do?" Cory asked quietly, looking up at his cousin. He wished he knew what the older man was thinking, but Jim was a master at hiding his thoughts and pretending everything was fine.

Jim's jaw clenched slightly, the only sign of his inner turmoil. He wondered what he might have to reveal in the next few days. Kodos had been keeping an eye on him ever since Tarsus, and Jim knew that interested parties would want to know why. Going by Starfleet's intelligence, there was no proof that he had been on that planet. But as far as anyone knew about the teenager JT, he had been captured and held by Kodos because he had escaped despite being on the kill list, and he was tortured because he refused to give up the rest of his kids. He wasn't even sure if Chris knew more than that – they had never actually discussed that fateful meeting, after Jim had escaped the hospital back on Earth. He thought there might be some theories on it being JT who had sent Starfleet the information condemning Kodos, but no one could confirm it back then. Jim didn't want to tell anyone more than that. He didn't want there to be anything else. Somehow he doubted he would be able to avoid the questions.

He just knew that everything was going to blow up in his face and the façade he had spent years developing and perfecting would come crashing down.

As the silence stretched on and Jim still didn't answer, McCoy decided to wrap the conversation up. Clearly, the man didn't want to deal with this right now. "What do you want us to do?" he asked softly, hoping that something in his tone or expression would convince Jim that he was there, if the insufferable genius would just accept the help.

Jim really just wanted to pretend that none of this was happening, but he knew that that response probably wouldn't be very helpful, so he just shrugged. "You've all got duties to attend to today. Go do them." He attempted a smile that fell far short. "Seriously, I'm fine."

None of them believed him, but fortunately, they all decided against calling him out on it.

McCoy stood up with a nearly silent groan as his knees cracked. "I've got a shift at the hospital. Dinner tonight?" Jim nodded and the doctor looked at his girlfriend. "Take the day off, April." She looked like she might protest, but then settled back down and nodded ruefully. She wouldn't be very focused, and it would be in everybody's best interest if she took the day to regain control of her turbulent emotions.

Spock and Uhura left next, after leaving Jim with the promise that he only needed to ask, and they would be there. Scotty departed soon after, needing to return to the _Enterprise_ to oversee the upgrades. He promised Jim that he would send the updated reports and keep him apprised of any issues. Jim trusted him. He knew Scotty would take care of their girl.

Carol pressured Chekov and Sulu into helping her clean up breakfast, glaring Jim into submission when he tried to help as well.

Amused, he sat back down on the couch and waited until everything was cleaned and put away. When the last dish was back in the cabinet, he asked Sulu if he was interested in some surfing.

The pilot's eyes immediately lit up and he nodded eagerly. "It's a perfect day for it," he replied happily, glancing at the window which showed the cloudless blue sky. It truly was a great day to spend at the beach.

Jim smiled in return. "Go change and grab your stuff. Meet back here in half an hour?"

Sulu nodded again, and quickly left.

Carol's eyes crinkled with mirth at the excited response, and she was pleased to see that Jim looked happy with the plans as well.

"The beach sounds like a great place to spend a day," April commented idly. "Mind if I join?"

Jim nodded immediately. "Of course, you're welcome to come along."

April left to go put on a bathing suit and grab something to keep herself occupied. After a moment of deliberation, Pavel, Kevin, and Cory decided to join them as well.

Carol apologized, but she had to do some work in one of the labs, and couldn't take the day off. Jim gave her a light hug and a kiss, silencing her explanations. "Go be a brilliant scientist," he said, smiling. "I'll see you later."

Carol returned the smile, and Jim disappeared into his bedroom to change.

**XXX**

Jim and Sulu spent most of the day in the water, catching waves and relaxing on their surfboards in between sets.

Pavel tried a few times, but still couldn't quite get the hang of surfing, so he gave up by midday, and joined Cory, Kevin, and April on the beach, where they had set up several blankets and seemed utterly content to not move until the sun went down.

They had all brought PADDs along, so that they could at least try to be productive, even if they weren't strictly on the clock.

Sulu probably could have been doing work as well, but Jim wanted to surf, so Sulu would be there by his side, no matter what. He remembered the man telling him once, that surfing was a way to relax, a chance to let all the bad thoughts and memories slip away, if only for a little while. It almost sounded like meditation, the way Jim described it.

It was late afternoon when they were once more taking a break, bobbing along on their boards as they enjoyed the warm sun beating down on them.

"Do you remember when we were teenagers?" Sulu asked suddenly, breaking the easy silence that had settled around them. "There was one time we went surfing together, right here on this beach. I don't know what happened, but you were pretty upset." Jim nodded, confused, and Sulu bit his lip. "I asked you if you could be anything, what would you be?"

Jim's expression cleared slightly as he remembered the conversation. "Yeah. I said I would want to be happy."

Sulu looked down and drew patterns in the water around him. "Are you happy now?"

Jim pondered the question for a moment, thinking. "I am," he replied quietly. "Yeah, the past is always there, and sometimes it feels like its pressing down so hard I can barely breathe, but yeah, I think I am pretty happy. I've got great friends, a wonderful girlfriend, and a job I love." His smile was small but genuine. "Yeah, I'm happy."

Sulu smiled. "I'm glad. And I'm always here to provide a surfing distraction whenever you need it."

Jim chuckled lightly. "Thanks. And thanks for teaching me, all those years ago."

Sulu's grin widened. "Anytime."


	30. Chapter 30

Everything went to hell two days before the _Endeavor_ returned to Earth. Jim was having lunch with Carol in the mess hall when he received the call from Jon, and the duo didn't waste any time in heading back to Jim's apartment.

According to Jon, several news outlets had caught wind of Kodos' impending arrival, and the story was spreading like wildfire; they didn't have all the information yet, just that the criminal had been found apparently alive, bringing to light the lies Starfleet had spread after the massacre over a decade and a half earlier, and was being brought back to Earth to stand trial.

As soon as the couple arrived at Jim's apartment, they turned on the news, wanting to know just how bad it was, settling in for the rest of the day with the vidscreen on in the background so that they would know if the reporters got any new information.

It was a couple hours later when the breaking news logo flashed on the screen, and Jim and Carol listened in dread as the reporter informed the world of the information that had been found in Kodos' possession when he had been found. Pictures and copies of various articles flashed on the screen as the reporter continued to speak.

"New evidence has uncovered that Marie Spaulding, the sister of Winona Kirk, who is of course the wife of the late George Kirk and mother of Captain James Kirk, lived on the colony Tarsus IV with her family, and was amongst the casualties of the massacre over fifteen years ago." The reporter's voice was dispassionate as he talked. "Among the materials found in the former Governor Kodos' possession were school reports and a diploma belonging to one James Spaulding." Another photo flashed on the screen, showing the young Jim being handed his diploma on Tarsus. "The former governor also had several articles and pictures of Captain Kirk. Could it be that the famous Captain was indeed caught up in the horrible tragedy? And why is the former Governor so intent on him? Why did he have all this information on the Captain Kirk? We'll have more updates as they come."

Jim was frozen, staring at the screen. Carol reached out and touched his arm lightly, trying not to startle him. Jim shuddered and seemed to curl in on himself, leaning back into the couch. Carol winced minutely, wanting to make it better but not knowing what to do.

His comm. chimed at that moment, and Jim went to answer it.

It was Jon, completely furious at what the media had discovered, promising retribution; it was a nice thought, but Jim didn't hold much hope that there was really any recourse. That whole freedom of the press thing had been established hundreds of years ago. Unless they had gotten the information illegally – which they may have, Jim wasn't sure – there was no way to bar them from reporting on it. And the media had protection; they couldn't be forced to name their sources unless Starfleet could prove that withholding the information would be dangerous or life-threatening. Besides, it's not like punishment or retribution would put the cat back in the bag.

According to Jon, the other Admirals were incredibly upset that they would no longer be able to do this quietly. Jon was annoyed as well, but he was more concerned at how Jim was taking it. He knew that the survivors – at least the ones that were in contact with Jim – didn't want their histories with the planet brought to light.

Before he hung up, Jon assured Jim that – though they couldn't keep it out of the media any more – he could make sure to bar any unnecessary presence in the actual courtroom while the trial was taking place.

A knock on the door drew Carol's attention away from the computer, and she went to let Chris in. The Admiral looked concerned and slightly upset to see the news playing. He glanced from Carol to Jim, who was still seated at his desk, though he had jerked a hand back at the new arrival, to let him know that he knew the older man was there.

"Admiral Archer," Carol informed Chris quietly, answering the unspoken question, and Chris nodded in understanding.

"And that?" he glanced at the vidscreen.

Carol sighed and sat back down on the couch, Chris following. "I tried to get him to turn it off a couple times," she explained quietly, looking down at her lap. "He wanted to know what they were saying, so that he knows how bad it is."

Jim finished speaking with Jon and joined the other two. Chris gave him a look filled with sad understanding, but stood up and went to switch off the screen. "That's what Jon's here for," he rebuked gently. "It's his job to monitor these things, so that you don't have to torture yourself."

Jim grimaced, but didn't protest, and Chris sat back down. "Where are the others?" he asked curiously. "It seems you guys have been pretty inseparable for the last couple days."

It was true, it seemed as if April and Kevin had been stuck to Jim's side, and Cory was here whenever he didn't absolutely have to be at his own job.

Jim shrugged. "April had a shift at the hospital, Kevin picked one up in the Navigations lab, and Cory had a meeting this afternoon."

Chris nodded. The world wasn't stopping just because of this, and it was good for them all to keep busy. However… "You might want to let them know," he hedged, "so that they have a chance to get out of public eye before someone finds out their connection as well. Just in case."

Jim winced, and went to go inform Kevin, April, and Cory. While their presence on Tarsus was never strictly advertised – not that anyone's presence on the planet was actually really advertised – if the press was digging, they might uncover the names of more survivors. Especially the nine witnesses, of which Kevin was one. And Cory was Jim's cousin, someone might make that connection, particularly since the news had already announced Winona's familial relationship with his own mother. Cory's last name was Spaulding, after all, and Jim knew that there was at least one photo of the two of them displayed proudly on the desk in Cory's office at UC Berkley. Someone could very easily connect the dots.

He also left a message for Tom, who was due back on Earth that afternoon, and should know what he would be arriving to.

Cory, Kevin, and April agreed to head to Jim's apartment immediately, hoping to avoid any news attention.

When Jim rejoined Chris and Carol on the couch, it was obvious that he was barely holding himself together.

Chris wanted to ask how he was doing, but he knew the answer to that, so he just sighed and said, "Jon and Attorney General Robbins would like to speak with you, Ensign Riley, and Doctor Leighton tomorrow morning. You'll probably receive a request from Robbins soon. I told them Doctor Leighton is supposed to arrive sometime today."

Jim nodded silently, but didn't give a verbal reply. He just continued to stare at the far wall, the look in his eyes making it clear he wasn't completely present, with his thoughts.

Chris bit his lip. "What can I do, Jim?"

After a moment, Jim shivered minutely and drew himself out of his less than pleasant thoughts. "Go back in time and kill whoever leaked the story before they get a chance?" he asked, only partly joking.

Chris snorted softly, shaking his head. "If I could, I would." He sobered immediately. "I know how much effort you put into making sure this never got out, but I promise, Jon's all over it. From what he told me, he's already spoken with the _Endeavor_ 's Captain, and they're working on finding out who talked to the press. Whoever it is will be dealt with."

Jim leaned back wearily. "Doesn't really make me feel better, but thanks."

Chris winced sympathetically, understanding completely. It was all well and good to punish whoever did this, but it wouldn't make people un-hear what the news report had said.

April and Kevin arrived ten minutes later, looking harried and more than a little annoyed. "There's an army of press camped outside," April informed them as she collapsed into a chair. "We had to sneak in the back to avoid them."

Chris frowned, upset, and pulled out his comm., heading into the kitchen to contact Jon.

Carol's frown was for an entirely different reason. "There is no back door to the residence halls. The only other exit to this building leads to an enclosed courtyard. All the residence halls are like that."

The Officers residence buildings were all set up in a square, each one with one entrance and exit. There was a private courtyard at the center of the buildings, that all officers had access to, but it couldn't be reached other than through a residence building.

Kevin glanced at Jim and smirked. Jim rolled his eyes and looked over at his girlfriend. "There's a window along the west side of this building, that leads to a small study area. No one really uses it, since most of us prefer to do our work in our own apartments, or offices if we have them. But the window has outside access, and I stuck a screwdriver under a rock by the window, that can be used to jimmy the window open. It's a tight squeeze, but it does open up enough to get inside, and it's low enough to the ground that it's not too difficult to manage." He shrugged. "I told Kevin about it a while ago. I always like to have a back door into or out of a place. Just in case, you know?"

Carol shook her head, partly amused, partly concerned. Trust Jim to move into a place and then work out how to escape, _just in case_. "Only you," she smiled softly, and gave him a kiss.

Jim managed to return the smile as Kevin sat down in the vacated spot on the couch. "Cory's on his way," he said, reaching out to pick up the PADD he had abandoned on the coffee table when Chris had arrived. "It'll take him a little longer to get here from Berkley, but he said he's canceling his meeting later this afternoon. He doesn't want to risk someone making the connection, since they've already named his mother. And Tom should be arriving today; I left him a message, but he probably won't get it until they land."

Chris rejoined them, stowing his comm. and running a hand through his hair, frustrated. "Jon's furious," he said in answer to their questioning looks. "They're working on managing the press presence. He says to stay inside and he'll let me know when they've got a handle on things."

Jim nodded, and proceeded to bury himself in his PADD; Scotty had been sending him regular updates on the _Enterprise_ , since he hadn't managed to get up there to see for himself in the last couple days. As April went to turn on the vidscreen and set it to some child's cartoon show, another message came in from the Engineer; Jim read the concerned missive, which offered him a place to escape if he needed it. Even on board the ship, Scotty had seen the news break.

Jim sent a gratified reply, promising to take him up on the offer if he needed it. He'd like to get back up to see how the upgrades were progressing, but he wasn't sure he'd have the time in the near future.

Cory was the next to arrive, and there was an amused look on his face as Carol let him in. "Admiral Archer's outside yelling at the press," he told them, flopping down on the couch next to Kevin. Jim obligingly shifted over to give them more room. "It was pretty awesome, and thankfully it let me pass without anyone stopping me."

Chris re-emerged from the kitchen, where he had disappeared when his comm. had gone off a few minutes ago. "Richard and Garovick are working to restrict the press to a single location outside Cochrane Hall. Jon's informing them that if they're caught staking out anywhere else, they'll be arrested." He sighed and sat down at the desk chair in the corner. "Unfortunately we can't ban them outright, but we can manage where they're allowed to camp out. They should be gone from the outside of this building soon, and Jon's working to get a security detail set up to stop them from coming back."

Jim nodded slightly in thanks, and then glanced down at his PADD. "Tom's here," he said after reading the incoming message. "I should probably go meet him." He didn't look thrilled with the idea of going out in public right now.

Chris immediately stood up. "I'll go," he offered. "And we'll bring dinner back, all right?"

Jim looked up, his expression mellowing. "Thanks," he said softly.

Chris smiled a reply, and left the apartment, as Jim began sending a message to the new arrival, letting him know who to expect at the shuttle depot.

McCoy was the first of Jim's command crew to appear, looking properly disgruntled as he took a seat next to April on the couch. His communicator was in his hand, and he took great pleasure in tossing the device across the room. "My message box is nearly full," he grumbled. "Damn insufferable fools. You'd think by now they'd know that I've got no comment when it comes to my Captain's personal life," he muttered under his breath.

Jim frowned, confused, as he leaned forward. "What do you mean?"

"I believe Doctor McCoy is referring to the influx of queries from the press in regards to the news stories that have indicated your presence on Tarsus IV," Spock's expressionless tone alerted them to his and Uhura's presence as the couple arrived together. "I too, have received an increase in calls from unidentified numbers."

Uhura nodded, her eyes sympathetic as she looked at her Captain and friend. "Me as well. I've also gotten calls from some of the people in my department; they're getting harassed too. No one's saying anything," she rushed to assure the man when she saw his distress. "None of your crew would ever sell you out like that."

Jim shrugged, looking down at the floor. "Not like they'd have anything to report anyway," he replied.

"Chyort voz'mi," Chekov's muttered Russian curse told everyone that he had arrived, and when they looked up, they saw that Sulu and Scotty were with him. The Navigations officer glanced around, realizing that all of the attention was now on him, and he stowed his own communicator with an angry huff. "They know about Anya." He threw himself into the last empty chair in the room. "They keep calling and asking for a comment on how she died, if she knew you," he looked at Jim, "and then there's all the questions on if I knew that my famous Captain was tangled up in such a horrible tragedy." He rolled his eyes. " _Bloodsucking press hounds_ ," he muttered in Russian under his breath.

Jim winced sympathetically. "I'm sorry," he offered, and then immediately shrunk back when they all began protesting that it wasn't his fault and he should in no way take responsibility for the press' inability to leave them alone.

There was a distinct note of dread, however, in Cory's, April's, and Kevin's expressions. If the press had found out about Pavel's sister, they were digging, and that meant that they could find out about the others as well. Especially if they really put two and two together, and came up with JT. JT was well known in the histories of the Tarsus IV massacre. If they linked JT to Jim, it was only a small step away to finding the identities of the kids he had saved.

**XXX**

With the apartment filling up, Carol could see Jim's walls close to fracturing. It didn't take too much pressuring to get him to follow her into the bedroom, and he immediately slumped down on the bed, his entire posture screaming of exhaustion.

Carol worried her lower lip sympathetically. She wanted to make this better for him. She had no idea how to do it, but she definitely didn't believe him every time he put on a fake smile and pretended that he was OK.

Reaching out, she rested a hand lightly on his shoulder, rubbing gently. "You can lie to everyone else, Jim, but please don't lie to me. All I want to do is help. You don't have to say anything or tell me anything, but please, don't tell me you're fine."

Jim let out a soft huff of air as he looked away, his eyes filling with what Carol was fairly certain was pain and frustration. Perhaps a little bit of fear, or worry for what people might think of him now that his past had been unveiled.

After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke. His voice was soft, and he still wouldn't look at Carol, but at least he was speaking. "I'm not. Fine, I mean. I know I'm not. I don't know if I can even explain what's going on in my head right now." He clasped his hands together tightly, hoping she would understand. Carol was one of the most understanding people he'd ever known, and he loved her. He loved the way she was always there for him, always thinking about what he needed, and how she could better serve that goal; he had grown up missing that, not knowing what it was like to have someone else there who wasn't always concerned about how he could help them, but just wanted to make sure _he_ had everything he needed.

Chris was pretty good at doing that too, but by the time he had met the older man, he was so used to being alone that it was hard to change. Somehow, though, Chris had warmed his way passed the walls Jim had spent his whole life hiding behind. His other friends had managed it as well, but it wasn't quite as deep. He still thought of them as family, people he would do anything for and that would do anything for him, but with Chris it had just been different.

And now it seemed like Carol had reached that same level. He hadn't even realized it was happening, until right now, sitting on this bed with his girlfriend, listening to her tell him that he could lock it all up and not talk about it as much as he wanted, so long as he didn't lie to her and tell her he was fine. She had gotten in so deep, he actually almost found himself wanting to talk to her, to tell her all the horribly dark thoughts that were running rampant through his head right now.

Carol didn't do anything other than lean forward to rest her chin on his shoulder, one hand reaching over to grasp his own clasped hands, forcing them to relax and unwind from each other. She just waited, knowing that he would continue to speak when he was ready.

It took another minute, but eventually, Jim's shoulders slumped, and he swallowed harshly. "I just want this to be over," he said quietly. "It feels like it never will be; sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming, and I'm going to wake up to find I'm still back in that prison with Kodos standing over me."

Carol winced sympathetically and squeezed his hand tighter. "You're out, Jim. I'll tell you every day if you need it. I won't tell you that it's over, because I know how you see things, and I know that it'll never truly be over for you or any of the survivors. But just remember that we're all here, I'm here, and you're _not there_ anymore."

Jim actually managed a smile at those words. How was it possible for her to know him so well? Sobering, he sighed resolutely. "There's a part of me that just wants to curl up in a corner and ignore everything for the next week, but then I look at Kevin, and April, and Cory, and I just… I can't. Because they're depending on me. They've always looked to me for answers, and I just… I can't let them down."

"They won't look at you with any less respect if you let go a little," Carol promised. She knew it wouldn't do much good; Jim had always had self-esteem issues, and he truly believed that if he was anything other than strong, people would think less of him.

Jim shrugged, not arguing the point. "Thank you," he said instead. "For being here, for saying all the things I need to hear. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around sometimes." He shook his head as she immediately perked up in an attempt to argue. "I know how I am, Carol. I don't process emotion well, and I'm even worse at sharing my feelings. How long did it take for me to admit how I felt about you?"

Carol rolled her eyes. "I was just as obstinate." She gave him a light kiss on the cheek and pulled back, smiling softly. "A large part of the reason I love you is the way you see the world, Jim. You might not always know how to express yourself, but you've got such a unique way of looking at things."

Jim shrugged again, playing with their entwined hands absentmindedly. "I guess it comes with the territory," he mused. "That whole IQ versus EQ thing. I had to look it up when I was a kid, because I didn't know why I was so different." Carol leaned back against him, in a silent invitation to continue, and Jim smiled. "You know how people with higher IQ's tend to react differently to emotions; generally speaking, it's harder for them to process. I had to teach myself what different emotions felt like, how to recognize them, and how I was supposed to react to them. All that stuff that comes naturally to normal people, just didn't compute for me."

Carol shook her head slightly, the motion rubbing against Jim's shoulder. "Normal is overrated anyway."

She had never actually heard it described like that, and felt like another piece of the puzzle that was Jim Kirk had just fallen into place. She had a higher than average IQ as well, but not nearly as high as Jim's. People always looked at the benefits of being a genius, and never really thought about the downsides. She couldn't even comprehend the idea of not knowing what it meant to be happy, or sad, or angry, or content. She always instinctually knew what she was feeling, she could recognize that and respond to it. But what must it have been like for Jim, as a young child, to feel something and have no idea what it was? Or to have to train himself to recognize a specific emotion, probably by looking it up, reading about it analytically, and then having to think through all the information stored in his brain, to try and objectively determine what it was he was feeling in that moment? She felt such sorrow for the child he had never had a chance to be.

Jim pulled her up, searching her bright gaze for some hint of what she was thinking about, and then seeming to at least understand a little of her turbulent thoughts, he leaned over and kissed her gently. "I love you," he said, pulling back slightly.

Carol hoped her smile wasn't as watery as she thought it was. "I love you, too." She glanced back at the closed door, and bit her lip. "We should probably get back out there, right?"

Jim nodded and stood up, pulling her with him. "Chris will be back with Tom and dinner soon."

Their hands remained linked as they rejoined the rest of the group in the living room, taking up an empty spot on the floor next to the desk. Uhura and Sulu were busy getting plates and drinks out of the kitchen, in preparation for dinner.

"Why do you have so many dishes?" the Communications officer asked curiously as she set the stack of plates down on the coffee table. Sulu followed her immediately with silverware. This was Jim's apartment – or well, Jim's and Carol's now, if Uhura guessed right. She wasn't sure if they had officially moved in together yet, but it was definitely heading that way, if it hadn't happened already. But with just one, or even two people living here, there was no way he should have enough dishes for as many people as were in the apartment right now.

Jim shrugged good-naturedly. "It might be a tiny apartment, but I figured it would be in my best interests to have enough dishes to supply everyone."

Uhura blinked, surprised, and then smiled warmly. Jim had gone out of his way to make sure he had enough dishes, cups, and silverware for all of his friends, _just in case_. It was so… Jim. And then he just shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

The door opening halted any conversation that might have followed, and they all turned to greet Chris and Tom – and more importantly, the large bags of food the newcomers were carrying.

Tom relinquished his bag to Sulu, and barely paused to drop his duffle bag before he was striding across the room and nearly bowling Jim over with the force of his hug. It had been a long time since they had seen each other in person. Short conversations carried over radio frequencies and light years of space didn't really compare.

Jim was just as quick to grasp the scientist, his arms circling protectively and tightly around Tom's shoulders.

"Missed you," Tom whispered into Jim's shirt, his eyes slipping closed.

Jim smiled softly, and just rubbed his friend's back reassuringly.

The others let them have a few minutes to themselves, while they got dinner set up, before drawing them back to the group. McCoy passed Jim a full plate with a scowl and a glare that clearly told everyone what he would do to the man if he didn't eat all of it. Jim just rolled his eyes and took a seat on the floor by the far wall.

Tom didn't seem to want to leave Jim's side, and gratefully accepted the plate April passed him, giving her a tight hug in greeting before he followed Jim's lead and sat down on the floor.

Kevin came over next, and greeted Tom warmly before sitting on Jim's other side. April, Cory, and Pavel chose nearby spots, as Jim introduced Tom to the rest of the group. He had heard all about them, of course, both from Jim and from the news stories over the years. He was grateful to see that Jim had others in his life who could keep him upright and breathing, when Tom himself couldn't be there to do it.

He especially liked meeting Pavel and Carol. He had heard Anya talk about her brother on Tarsus, and he had known that Jim had found the younger man, but they had not as of yet ever all been on the same planet long enough to actually meet. The circumstances could have been better, but he still didn't regret it. And Carol… well, he'd have to be blind not to see how much she loved Jim. And anyone who cared for his friend as much as she clearly did was all right in his book.

Talk died down as everyone tucked into their own dinners, appreciating the variety and amount, enough to feed the small army that had invaded Jim's living room, and some to spare.

"Thanks for dinner Mr. Starfleet Man," Cory called out when his plate was half empty, seemingly remembering his manners now that he was no longer so hungry.

Chris blinked, startled, as April started laughing in remembrance of their first real meeting with the older man. Everyone else just looked confused.

Chris finally shook his head slightly and smiled. "I wasn't sure you remembered me."

Cory shrugged. "You've got more gray hair now, but I'd recognize the stick up your ass Starfleet attitude anywhere."

Jim shoved him lightly, though his expression was amused. "You're in a room full of Starfleet officers," he reminded his cousin, "I'd be careful if I were you."

Cory just rolled his eyes, and Chris chuckled in amusement. "Any gray hairs I have are solely due to Jim. Don't argue," he said when Jim let out an indignant huff, "you know it's true."

Jim almost appeared to be ready to argue anyway, but then he shook himself off and with the air of someone deliberately deciding not to indulge in another person's games, turned his attention back to his dinner.


	31. Chapter 31

The next morning, Jim, Kevin, and Tom somehow managed to navigate around the bodies inhabiting their living room, sneaking out without anyone waking up, to meet with Archer and Attorney General Marcus Robbins. It wasn't that it was early, but everyone had been up late the night before – or early that morning – so even though it was after ten o'clock, they were all still asleep.

Chris, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, and Scotty had left for their own residences after dinner, but April, Pavel, McCoy, Cory, and Kevin had spent the night, as well as Tom, who would be staying with Jim while he was in town. Joanna was there as well, as McCoy had picked her up from Ensign Conway after dinner, not wanting to make her stay at a friend's house again. He really felt like he had been neglecting his daughter lately, no matter how much she understood why it was necessary to spend so much time away from her father and surrogate family.

All three of them were relieved to see that the press was indeed gone from the area outside of Jim's residence building. The Admirals had relegated them to the quad outside of Cochrane Hall, and from the Security officers Jim could see posted around as he led the other two through the Academy to the out of the way Engineering building where they would meet with the officials, it was obvious that the Admirals were serious about arresting any press that didn't stick to the assigned location.

Normally, this meeting would take place in Cochrane Hall itself, being the administrative building that oversaw most Starfleet-related official business; but with the area around the building so overrun by press, Jon had decided to move this particular meeting somewhere out of view, so that Jim and the others wouldn't have to deal with the hounds.

Jim was grateful; he was already dealing with far more attention from people on campus, just walking down the worn paths this morning. He noticed a significant increase in interest coming his way, and several Cadets kept pointing at him and talking to each other in hushed whispers, but he just shrugged it off and chose to ignore it for now. He kept his attention focused ahead, and led Tom and Kevin into the building, to the 'lift, and down the hall to the meeting room Jon had told him they would be at.

Marcus Robbins was a middle aged man with graying hair, slightly shorter than Jim, with what appeared to be a permanent air of seriousness hovering around him. Jim remembered him from a few years ago, when he had gone to Jon for help getting Bones custody of Joanna. The Attorney General had been happy to assist then, anything for his friend – he and Jon apparently had a history. Given the magnitude and profile of the Kodos trial, it would only make sense for the high ranking man to be the one leading the prosecution.

Robbins greeted Jim warmly, remembering how the young man had been so set on helping his friend regain access to his daughter. It had been a very touching gesture for him to witness, and he had been happy to help back then. He stowed his own private shock and surprise at realizing that one of the most famous Captains in the universe was also apparently one of the few witnesses who could identify Kodos' face. There was no room for personal feelings or emotions in the practice of law. At least, not in this case; it didn't matter what Jim's reputation was in Starfleet and the Federation, all that mattered was that he could identify a murderer.

Jon gestured for everyone to sit. "We've been able to contact three of the other six witnesses," he informed them as they settled into position, Jon and Robbins on one side of the table, Jim, Tom, and Kevin on the other. "They'll be arriving in the next couple days, and the trial's set to begin next week."

Robbins nodded briskly, setting a PADD down on the table. "We're attempting to speed the process along, due to the high profile of this case. We're not trying to cut corners, but we don't want to drag this out. I understand that the _Enterprise_ is also nearly ready to ship out again, and we don't want to hold you back from your mission, Captain Kirk." Jim nodded slightly, but didn't respond, and Robbins sighed. "I've got a team working with me on the prep, but I wanted this meeting to be more informal. From a legal standpoint, we need to go over your testimony before the trial, to make sure there are no surprises. Do you mind if I record this? I guarantee no one outside my team will hear it; I just want to make sure there's a record, and I might want to reference some of it later when I prepare my arguments."

Jim glanced over at Tom and Kevin, and when they nodded, he turned back to the Attorney General. "That's fine."

Robbins smiled slightly. "Thank you." He pulled out a small device, roughly one quarter the size of a PADD. "This is a closed circuit recorder. Most standard devices are linked to the stellnet, and could be hackable. This one is not connected at all, so the only way someone could access the recording would be if they physically stole it from me."

Jim nodded again, looking thankful.

Marcus set the recorder down and pressed a button. "Like I said, I want this meeting to be relatively informal. You don't have to talk about anything you're really not comfortable with; however, at the same time, we need to know your stories to adequately prepare. I'm not anticipating much opposition, but even someone like Kodos is legally entitled to have a defense. No matter his lawyer's personal feelings on the matter, he or she will be obligated to provide the former Governor the best council possible. That will include whatever skeletons or dirt can be found to discredit you."

Jim clenched his jaw grimly. "I understand. Let's just get this over with."

**XXX**

They spent most of the rest of the day talking. Jon sat back and let Robbins take charge; this was his arena, so to speak. He had lunch brought in so that they could continue uninterrupted, since this meeting would likely take a while.

On the other side, Jim did most of the talking. He had the most understanding of events, and the largest overall picture of what had transpired.

Neither Robbins nor Archer seemed inclined to interrupt as Jim gave them an overview of the group of children he had looked after; how they had hidden themselves in a cave and stolen from whatever source they could find to keep themselves fed and in relatively decent health. They listened to him talk about the months of uncertainty and fear, the guards that they had to fight, the pain of losing friends and family.

But Jon still knew that something was being left out. "How did you escape the massacre, Jim?" he asked curiously when there was a lull in the younger man's story.

Jim looked away, distinctly uncomfortable. It wasn't until Tom pressed a hand lightly against his shoulder that he turned back to the group. "Jim, now's not the time to hold back." Jim grimaced, and Tom gave him what he hoped was an encouraging smile.

Jim sighed and slumped down in his seat. One hand clenched tightly in his lap as the other drummed out a distracted pattern on the table. "I met Kodos for the first time pretty soon after I arrived," he admitted softly. "He had heard about me. I guess they didn't get a lot of newcomers to the colony, and then I had been placed years ahead of my age level in school, so he was curious. He offered me the chance to learn about government and politics, and I was intrigued, so I took him up on it." He let out a pained snort. "I learned enough to know I never want to be a politician."

Jon smiled slightly, though his eyes were filled with sorrow for the pain his younger friend was going through, just remembering these events. He could see how much it hurt Jim to talk about it.

Jim swallowed harshly. "It was about a year and a half later that things started to get… bad." He glanced at Tom, and on the scientist's nod, he let out a deep breath and continued, "Tom and I were running an… experiment, I guess you could call it. Studying the local plants while working on a thesis of our own. That's when we found the fungus."

Jon blinked, surprised, and Robbins sat back in his seat, startled. "You found it?"

Jim grimaced and shrugged, looking down at the table. "We knew we had to tell someone, so I brought it to Kodos. I thought he would fix it."

There was more to it than that, Jon knew, but he didn't have the heart to demand more explanations. He was still reeling from the knowledge that Jim hadn't just been a passive observer in the massacre. Sure, he had known before now that Jim had had something to do with saving a lot of innocent kids, and maybe something to do with the information that had gotten into Starfleet's hands before someone had destroyed all the servers in the colony and corrupted any useful information they may have otherwise retrieved. But he hadn't realized just how far it had gone. Jim hadn't just seen Kodos' face because he had been captured and held captive – Jon deliberately refused to let his mind wander to what that capture had meant for the young teenager; he had read the medical files for the kid JT, and it made him want to weep when he correlated that injured child with the vibrant young man he counted himself lucky to know.

No, it went far beyond being held captive; from the sound of it, Jim had trusted Kodos, had looked up to him and admired him. They had had some sort of personal relationship before everything had gone to hell. Even through the pain, Jon could hear the loss and sorrow when Jim spoke of learning from the Governor.

Jon forced himself out of his morose thoughts, and refocused on what Jim was saying.

"I told him," the Captain growled lowly, hand clenching even tighter as his fingernails threatened to break the skin. "Six weeks. He had six weeks to fix things, and he did _nothing_."

Robbins sat up straighter. "You mean he was aware of the problem before it happened?"

Jim nodded grimly, his eyes flashing with anger. "I told him what we had found six weeks before everything went to shit. Plants died, the food stores were compromised. He could have done something. He didn't even attempt to contact Starfleet for help."

There was a beat of silence while Jim appeared to make a solid effort to get himself under control.

"What happened next?" Robbins asked, hoping his voice sounded relatively neutral.

Jim shook his head slightly and sat back, seeming to lose some of his anger – or maybe just deliberately hiding it for the moment. "I got tired of waiting, so one day I snuck into the Governor's Palace. I wanted to know what was going on. I hacked into Kodos' files. That's when I found the lists."

There was another moment of silence. "The lists?" Robbins asked with dread.

Jim grit his teeth. "Two of them. There was a lot of other information there too, but I didn't have time to waste going over all of it in detail. I saw what his next plans were, and I knew I had to move quickly." His eyes glazed over slightly, remembering the past, the horror and fear, running faster and faster, knowing he would be too late but still running in the hopes that he was wrong. "My aunt and uncle were already dead, but I found my cousins hiding in a closet. I didn't want to wait around, so I grabbed a few things – blankets, clothes, some food that the guards hadn't already taken – and took them to a cave that Tom and I had discovered a while back."

He was almost proud of how level he kept his voice, talking about the deaths of the two closest things to parents he had ever known. Until Chris, at least, but he was still slightly uncomfortable thinking of the older man as a father most of the time, so he usually didn't.

"I made sure they'd stay there, and I went back. I wanted to see if I could find any of my friends."

Tom leaned forward slightly. "I was hiding in the fields when Jim found me. We searched for a while, and found a few more, before the smoke started to get bad."

"Smoke?" Jon asked, confused.

Jim nodded, eyes pained. "They were burning houses, the fields, anything that would go up, really. We had to retreat or be found, so I took them all back to the cave. Then Tom and I went into the city." He bit his lip and looked down. "I needed to know what was going on, and Tom wouldn't let me go alone. We snuck in through a side entrance. It was small, so not very well guarded. We heard the proclamation, and that's when people started to panic. The guards were firing into the crowd, people running and screaming…" He sighed gustily. "We tried to get some kids out. As many as we could before we had to leave or be killed." He glanced over at the youngest of the group and attempted a smile. "Kevin was the last one I grabbed before we left."

Kevin returned the smile gratefully. He knew that he was a witness who could identify Kodos' face, but when it came to everything that actually happened on that planet, he really didn't have anything to add. He had only been five when everything had gone to hell, six by the time Starfleet showed up. He hadn't been a leader in anything, he had just been a kid lucky enough to be near the exit when Jim and Tom had been running out.

That wasn't entirely fair, he knew, but it was still the truth. He had nothing to add to this trial. But he would stick with his friends through it just the same; he might not be able to add any useful information, but he could offer whatever support he was able.

Jim lapsed into silence for a moment, hesitating as he tried to find words to describe the months of terror. He had no idea what he could say to accurately portray the dread, the fear of not making it to see the next morning, not knowing where the next threat might come from. Finally, he sighed. "Things were… difficult. We had no way of knowing what was really going on, we didn't know if our hideout would be found, we didn't know if Starfleet would realize there was anything wrong or if anyone would be coming to help." He coughed lightly, clearing his throat. "Before it all happened, I had gotten to know Hoshi Sato." He smiled minutely, remembering the fierce woman he had come to count as a good friend, despite the large age difference, and then sobered as he recalled her death. "Before she was killed, she gave me a communicator. Told me to get help. I should have used it immediately, but I waited a day and decided to go find out what Kodos was up to instead."

"What happened wasn't your fault," Tom rolled his eyes. "Stop blaming yourself for everything."

Jim glared at him but there was no real heat to it. "I know," he shot back. "But I still shouldn't have waited. Anyway," he turned back to Robbins and Jon, "it didn't work. After we settled into the cave, I tried to send a message out. Nothing would go through. I spent a lot of time over the next five months trying to figure out what was wrong. I must have rebuilt it three times. But nothing ever worked." He bit his lip and looked down. "It took me five months to realize that the problem wasn't with the communicator, it was the planet. Kodos had put up a jamming signal to stop anyone from sending for help."

Robbins nearly bolted out of his seat, before he forced himself to calm down. "That man actively stopped Starfleet from knowing what was happening."

Jim nodded, his jaw set in a firm line. "I'm not saying you would have gotten the message earlier, but he definitely stopped anyone from trying."

Jon shifted slightly. "But we did get a distress signal," he reminded Jim. "It was a repeating call, and we couldn't respond. The _Seymour_ was the closest ship, but it still took a couple weeks to arrive."

Jim nodded again, his expression filled with sorrow; he still couldn't make himself actually look at the older men, his gaze remaining fixed on the table. On his left, Tom grasped his arm tightly, the motion hidden from view by the two sitting opposite them.

"We had to take the signal down before we could call for help." Jim swallowed harshly. "So I took it down."

Jon drew in a shuddering breath, forcing himself to remain calm. This story wasn't over yet, and he needed to stay calm.

Once he had collected himself slightly, Jim continued, "Tom wouldn't let me go alone, so we went to the Palace together. I left the communicator with my cousin Cory, told him how to send out a signal and to give us a couple hours then set it to go out every five minutes. By that time, the communicator would only send outgoing messages, so there was no way for anyone to respond to the call. Tom stayed outside the Palace, while I went in through an air vent. I made it to Kodos' personal study, took the signal down, and then sent out all of his files to download to the nearest Starfleet vessel."

Jon smiled grimly. They had suspected that the mysterious JT had been the one to send them the files, but it was nice to have confirmation. "Smart," he complemented. "Must have taken some skill."

Jim sighed softly as his shoulders slumped. "Not too much. For me, at least. I know my way around a computer. I just had to make sure it would only download to a server that had Starfleet coding." He grimaced. "Unfortunately, it took some time to do it." He bit his lip. "They stunned me before I could get out. I woke up in a cell."

Another silence descended, which was only broken when Tom coughed, drawing attention to him. "They found me too. Shot me when I tried to run." He touched the eye patch that covered nearly half his face with a resigned grimace. "It was probably sheer luck that it missed anything vital. Got a nasty infection though, by the time we were rescued."

Robbins winced sympathetically. He had read through Doctor Leighton's medical records and knew just how serious that injury had been. "What happened next?"

Jim faltered slightly, not wanting to discuss what Kodos had done to him. "He wanted information. About the other rebel groups out there, where the rest of our group was. He almost let out a smile. "We had made things pretty disruptive for him and the security guards. Stealing from food stores, attacking a few that were trying to bring in some of the other escapees."

"Escapees?" Robbins asked for clarification.

Jim nodded. "We weren't the only ones who escaped when we were supposed to die. There were other groups out there, hiding. We came across a few from time to time, sometimes when they were being dragged in by guards. We helped a few out, when we could." He stopped and collected himself, taking a deep breath. "I was told it was a couple weeks between when we went in, and when Starfleet showed up. I kind of lost track of time. I know that at some point they brought in Kevin and Lisa, my youngest cousin." He grimaced and tried not to let any tears escape as he recalled her last moments in vivid detail.

Kevin pressed into his side, his own breathing growing ragged as he also remembered being caught. He remembered seeing Jim looking so helpless, not completely understanding what was going on but wanting him to make it all better, the way he always had. "We were scared," he admitted quietly, and they all turned to look at him. "Lisa and I, we wanted to help so badly. JT and Tom didn't come back, and no one knew what was going on. Cory just kept sending out that distress signal, April was trying to lead but she was still so scared. No one knew where they were, and we wanted to be useful. We should never have left the cave. We wandered away from the safety of the group, and got caught."

Jim rubbed his back soothingly. "It wasn't your fault," he promised. Looking back at the two older men, he sighed and shook his head. "Lisa was killed. Probably a few days before the _Seymour_ arrived. Like I said, I lost track of time; the days kind of blurred together. I do know that after a while, he lost interest in gathering information. By the end it was more about breaking me. I think he wanted to completely break me down and rebuild, like he could torture me into becoming his perfect soldier." Jim shrugged and looked away. "I was pretty out of it when Starfleet did show up."

Kevin leaned forward, choosing not to address that last piece of information. He had been too young to really understand back then, and he didn't want to think about it now. It was easy to see how horrified Admiral Archer and Attorney General Robbins were by the words, though. "I remember. None of the guards had shown up in a while, but then I started hearing noises coming from down the hall. There were four people in uniform. They didn't look like the uniforms the guards wore, but I didn't know who they were. I had lived in that colony my entire life, I had never seen a Starfleet officer before."

Tom shifted. "I was pretty out of it, too," he admitted. "But I vaguely remember someone crouching next to me. I think I told him to find JT, before I passed out."

Kevin offered the older man a small smile. "We got taken outside first, but a couple of the guys continued down the hall. Tom went to the ship's Medbay immediately, but all I had was a broken arm, so they put me in the med-tent they had set up in a field outside the city."

Jim nodded minutely. "I have a vague memory of giving some guy in a yellow shirt a set of coordinates – the location of the cave where the others were hiding. Filling in the blanks after the fact, I'm pretty sure that was Chris."

Jon nodded. "He was the one who found you. I remember reading his report. Didn't sound too pretty."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I'm sure."

Jon winced, realizing how callous that sounded, but Robbins didn't give him time to get an apology in.

"Thank you for sharing your story with us, Captain Kirk, Doctor Leighton, Ensign Riley. I understand how difficult all of this must be."

Even though he didn't explicitly say it, they knew it was an apology for everything: having to share their story, that the universe either already knew or would likely know soon that they had been there, and that they hadn't been able to actually end this all those years ago. Lying to the universe and pretending that Kodos had been killed. There was so much that Starfleet had done wrong with this situation, going even beyond the aftermath but also by allowing such a psychopath to govern a Federation colony.

Robbins sucked in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "I don't want you to have to share anything close to what you told us today, at the trial. You will need to confirm Kodos' crimes, but you shouldn't have to go into too much detail. However, just in case, it's good for me to know the whole story. Captain Kirk, Doctor Leighton, you witnessed the proclamation and the massacre. We have a recording, as it was included in the files you were able to liberate, but you're the only witnesses we have to the actual event."

Jim offhandedly wondered if calling it an 'event' made it seem less horrendous in the Attorney General's mind.

Robbins picked up the recorder and shut it off. "The trial will be closed," he assured them. "Judge, attorneys, and a panel of Admirals. No onlookers. For witnesses, we've got those who can identify the former Governor – you three, and three others – along with a few Starfleet officials who played key roles in the aftermath."

"How long will the trial last?" Jim asked.

Robbins smiled slightly. "A few days most likely. There's no way to tell definitively, but it shouldn't be too long. I don't believe there will be much in the way of cross examination; but like I said, even Kodos is entitled to a competent defense."

After a beat of silence, Jon stood up, gesturing for them to follow. "I think we're done for the day," he said. "We'll keep you updated on the trial, but you should go try and relax." His tone of voice said clearly that he didn't think they would, but he didn't want to push the issue.

Jim nodded, and led Tom and Kevin outside. It was nearly time for dinner, but a quick discussion had them all agreeing that they'd rather have quiet than food. If they attempted to go to the cafeteria, he had no doubt they would be stared at, or swarmed, and none of them wanted to deal with that. So instead, they headed back to Jim's apartment.

**XXX**

That was clearly the right call, as they discovered that not only was the apartment full of all their friends, but they had already taken care of the food aspect. Dinner was ready and waiting, laid out on the coffee table.

As everyone descended on the takeout containers, Scotty handed Jim a beer, which he accepted gratefully. "How're things going up there?" the Captain asked curiously. He wished he could be on the _Enterprise_ himself, but with everything going on right now, he just couldn't take the time. He hoped the trial wrapped quickly so he could get back to doing his job.

Scotty grimaced. "She'll be ready to fly on schedule, Jim," he promised. "But I don't think much got done today." He shook his head and sighed. "My communicator's been blowing up with requests for interviews, and I know a lot of my department's the same. Most of 'em turned the comms off after it got to be too much, but I need to be reachable, y'know?"

Jim nodded slightly, apologetic. "I'm sorry, Scotty. I know it's disruptive and inconvenient."

Scotty immediately frowned. "Not your fault, Jim. It's just annoying, but I don't blame you or anything."

Jim frowned, and glanced around at the rest of his command crew, who were all clustered nearby, eating. "Is it that bad for all of you?"

They all shared a significant look, before Uhura nodded ruefully. "I've received several messages from my crew, asking for advice on how to handle it."

Chekov grinned, his amusement clear on his youthful face. "I've gotten a few messages from people in my department telling me that they told the reporters where they could stuff their rumors."

Sulu nodded slightly. "Me, too," he admitted.

Spock took a half step forward. "Your crew stands one hundred percent behind you, Captain. They will not speak to any reporters without your express approval."

Uhura beamed, taking her boyfriend's hand and squeezing tightly. "I know you sometimes have trouble understanding this, Jim, but we believe in you. We care about you. Jim, you made this crew a family. And as family, we protect each other."

Jim actually felt himself blush a little, before he managed to get his emotions under control. He muttered out an embarrassed thank you, before crossing the room to turn on the vidscreen, tuning it to the news station.

McCoy tried to protest, but Jim just turned tired eyes to face the doctor. "I need to know what they're saying," he said simply, returning to his spot on the far wall and digging into his loaded plate with apathy, not really caring about what it was he was eating. "Information is power, and all that crap."

Nobody looked particularly happy, but they didn't argue any further, and the news stayed on, on low volume, as they all settled down and ate dinner.

Most had finished and were just relaxing, when the jingle that preceded a special news update broke through the few smaller conversations that were happening around the room. As if waiting for that cue, everyone fell silent and turned to the screen to hear what the reporters had to say.

Jim listened dispassionately as the woman on the screen spoke, telling her audience about the police report they had uncovered, where Jim had apparently driven a car off a cliff; the timing indicated it had happened shortly before the famous Captain's relocation to Tarsus, and the reporter wondered aloud whether or not proper counseling had been initiated.

The reporter completed the update with questions as to why the twelve-year-old had been trying to end his own life, possible allegations of abuse at the hands of his now deceased stepfather, and whether Winona had been aware of her husband and son's actions while she was off planet.

Jim shook his head slightly, his expression resigned and annoyed.

Uhura bit her lip tentatively as she tore her gaze away from the screen. "Is that true?" she asked cautiously. She knew, after that one ill-fated trip to Riverside several years ago, that there was a strong probability that her friend had suffered abuse in his childhood, but she had never asked, not wanting to upset him and not seeing why it would matter; Jim was her friend. If his stepfather had hurt him, well, the bastard was lucky he was already dead, or she'd have killed him herself, and made it painful. But it didn't change her opinion of the vibrant young man, so she had put the information aside and gone about her life. But it terrified her to think about the idea that someone as intelligent and effervescent as Jim had at one point been so upset and tired that he had been prepared to end his own life.

Jim huffed and rolled his eyes. "I wasn't actually trying to kill myself," he protested, but knew it sounded weak.

Carol gripped his arm tightly, her gaze worried. "But you don't deny driving a car off a cliff."

Jim shrugged and looked away, a muscle in his jaw ticking slightly. "It was my dad's car. Frank decided to ignore that." He glanced back and sighed. "I jumped out before it went over."

A shocked and horror-filled silence met his claim, as they all imagined the scenario. McCoy knew the story already, but it was no less terrifying to imagine how close his best friend had come to death on that dusty road, years before they had the chance to meet him.

The silence was filled by the newscaster's report continuing, as the woman now mentioned speculations that the abuse dealt out by the deceased Frank Miller had crossed the line to sexual, as well as physical.

Most of those in the room weren't able to hide their increased horror, but Jim just snorted indignantly. "OK, now they're just making things up."

Everyone looked relieved at his outright dispute of the claim, but McCoy knew his friend well enough to see a flash of… something, probably fear, in his blue eyes, before he managed to cover it up. Though Jim was saying these reports were false, McCoy couldn't help but wonder.

Jim sighed and leaned back. "I should probably answer this somehow, right?"

Spock inclined his head. "I will contact Starfleet Public Relations for you, Jim. They will likely wish to meet with you to prepare a statement."

Jim nodded in response. "That'd be great, Spock, thanks. Let me know what they say."

It wasn't that late, but no one had gotten much sleep the night before, so after helping Carol clean up the remains of dinner, they all said their goodbyes and filtered out, heading for their own respective homes. After a few minutes, it was just Jim, Carol, McCoy, and Tom left. Tom, after a moment of awkward silence, headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

McCoy waited until the door had closed, before he turned back to Jim with a pointed look. "How much of that was actually true?" he asked, his tone stating quite clearly that he knew the younger man was hiding something.

Jim thought about lying, but couldn't quite force himself to do it. McCoy was his best friend, Carol his girlfriend. Surely they deserved more than false assurances.

Carol disappeared into the kitchen briefly, returning with a few beers, which she handed out, receiving grateful nods in return.

Jim opened his against the coffee table as he took a seat on the couch, downing half the bottle in one sip. "Look, Bones, Frank liked to knock me around, I won't dispute that. He was an ass." He sighed wearily, and slumped back into the cushions, relaxing minutely at the comfort. "Despite what those idiots are reporting, I promise it never got sexual." He grimaced and looked away, not quite willing to meet the concerned gazes he could feel being leveled at him. "Probably because I never let it. There were a few times he made me uncomfortable, just the way he'd look at me. But the car incident happened, and Winona sent me to Tarsus, and he never had a chance to do anything."

The relief was easy to see in Leonard and Carol's expressions, but the doctor managed to keep his voice steady as he spoke. "You know I'm around, if you need anything, Jim. All you have to do is ask." He stood up, draining his beer and setting it down on the coffee table. "And accept that people around you care, you idiot."

Jim let out a weak chuckle and nodded. "Thanks, Bones. I know what I am, and I know I don't always admit when I need help."

He ignored McCoy's cough that sounded suspiciously like " _ever_ ," and continued.

"So thanks for forcing your way in. It means a lot, even if I don't always say it."

Leonard forcibly stamped down the blush that threatened to appear, and nodded stoically. "You're my best friend, Jim. I _want_ to be there, and nothing you do or say will force me away. I'll see you tomorrow, all right?"

He waited for Jim's responding nod, and left.

Jim turned back to his girlfriend as the door closed, and wrapped her in a tight hug. "That goes for you as well," he murmured softly. "I'm incredibly horrible at letting other people in, and you didn't have to keep pushing. I know I don't say it enough, or show it enough, but I want this, us. Like I said, I'm really bad at accepting help, or asking for it. So please know that even if I don't say it, it means a lot to me that you're here, and you're not letting me push you away."

Carol smiled through the tears that gathered in her eyes, as they pulled apart; she kept a grip on his arm, refusing to move too far away. "I'm here, Jim. No matter what. So is the rest of your crew, but I want to make sure you know that we're steady. Whatever happened back then, I don't care. I mean, I do," shook her head slightly, "but it doesn't change how I see you. I love you, Jim, and I will always love you, no matter what you tell me about your past."

Jim smiled softly, the expression more relaxed and real than anything he had showed all day. "I love you, too," he replied, leaning down to give her a kiss.

Carol busied herself for a few moments, pulling out the sheets and pillows that Tom would use on the couch, while Jim cleaned up the last few pieces of trash from dinner. Those acts done, they headed into the bedroom. It had been a long day.


	32. Chapter 32

Everything was tense the next day. Jim woke to a message from Spock, informing him that he had a meeting with the head of the Public Relations department and Admiral Archer at ten o'clock, leaving him not much time before he had to report; even less since he had to figure out how to get past the press that was likely still loitering outside Cochrane Hall.

Jim left Carol and Tom in his apartment, and headed out a full half hour early, hoping to sneak around the press without them seeing him.

Unfortunately, there weren't any access points to the administrative building that weren't surrounded by at least two reporters, so Jim just ducked his head and ignored all the shouts of questions or requests for comment.

The noise died down significantly once he was inside, and he knew he wasn't imagining the sympathetic look the woman at the front desk gave him. He offered her a responding smile, and headed for the 'lift.

There were two strangers with Jon in the Admiral's office when Jim arrived, and they introduced themselves quickly as Admiral Wilkens and Commander Pillay, before everyone sat down and discussed the newest press challenge.

Wilkens was the head of Starfleet PR, and he had come prepared with a list of talking points that had been addressed by various news outlets over the few days since Jim's presence on Tarsus had leaked.

"The best thing for us to do here is face this head on," Jon said ruefully, a hint of apology in his voice.

Jim frowned. "The best thing would have been if people hadn't started spreading rumors in the first place."

"Indeed," Wilkens cut in. "But we can't change what's happened. We need to address these rumors. Otherwise, they'll just keep sniffing for blood."

Jim still didn't like it, but he agreed, and they spent the next few hours discussing everything that had been in the news. Jim had to share something about his childhood, which never made him happy, but he condensed it into as few words as possible. "I'll admit that the car thing is true," he sighed, shaking his head. "It might actually still be at the bottom of that cliff. But it was in no way a suicide attempt. I was just… angry."

Wilkens nodded and made a note on his PADD. "And the allegations of sexual abuse?"

Jon winced at the frank words, but then, Wilkens didn't know Jim. He was completely professional. It was harder for Jon, because he remembered Jim as a baby – even if they hadn't met officially until Jim was in his early twenties, he had still known the kid practically his whole life. Jim was his friend, and he hated the idea that that bastard had hurt Jim like that. Well, he hated the idea that the bastard had hurt Jim at all, but still.

Jim quickly shook his head, glancing at Jon briefly before looking back at Wilkens. "Someone trying to make for a juicier story," he promised. "Frank was an ass, but the worse he ever did was give me a concussion and a couple broken ribs. I think he fractured my collarbone once, and I definitely have a few scars that can be attributed to him." He shrugged. "Broken beer bottle, backwoods town in Iowa without a proper hospital nearby, you know how it goes. But that's it."

Wilkens nodded again. "We should also address your presence on Tarsus. Thus far the Admiralty has been relatively quiet about that fact, but I can guarantee the press will continue digging, and they will find something. The best strategy to cut them off is to give them part of the story while making it seem like they're being told everything. They won't completely buy it, but it should push them back a little."

Jim pursed his lips. "I can't say I like it, but if it'll get them to stop harassing my crew, I'll do it."

With everyone in agreement, they spent some more time cobbling together a statement that Jim could get behind. It was sufficiently vague, but informed the public that Jim had gone to live with his maternal aunt roughly eighteen months before the crops had failed. After that point, he had hidden out with a group of kids aged three to seventeen, as they survived against all odds until Starfleet had gotten word of what was happening, and came to assist.

All of them knew that it wouldn't hold anyone off for long – Kodos had been gathering information on Jim, and the press would want to know why, what was so special about him as opposed to the other few thousand Tarsus survivors. It wouldn't be that long before someone connected the dots and realized that he was one of the few people to have seen Kodos' face. Maybe even quicker if someone actually used a few brain cells and put JT together with James Tiberius. It wasn't like that had been the most covert nickname he could have chosen.

The meeting ended quickly after that, and Jon promised that the statement would be released with the next news cycle, so hopefully the frenzy would die down soon, as the press got something to chew on.

Jim didn't share much of that hope, but he agreed readily, and headed back to his apartment, not surprised to see the rest of his command crew, plus Carol, Kevin, April, and Tom. Lunch had been set out on the coffee table, and the news was playing on low volume in the background.

Jim filled a plate quickly, before he glanced around at the group. "You know, if you keep hanging out here, I'm going to need to put in a request for a bigger apartment."

Sulu and Chekov laughed, while the others offered more contained smiles, and they all dug in to the lunch spread with relish.

Jim's stationary comm. chimed just as they were settling down, and the Captain couldn't hold in his sigh as he set his plate aside to go answer it. The only people who called his stationary comm. were officials. He really didn't want to deal with any official business right now.

When the screen cleared to show his caller however, Jim immediately sat back in shock. "Sam?"

His voice definitely sounded more strangled than he was comfortable with, and had the side effect of everyone in the room turning to look at him.

His brother winced slightly. "I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't have your personal comm. number, and this was the only one I could get from Starfleet. They didn't want to give it to me, but you're my brother, so –"

"So you used a relationship you vehemently denied the last time I saw you to coerce someone into giving you private information?" Yeah, Jim wasn't annoyed at all.

Sam bit his lip. "I saw the news. I just wanted to talk to you."

Jim glared. "Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too. Twelve years ago. You told me to stay the hell out of your life. I wanted to talk to you nineteen years ago. You walked out of my life and left me with Frank. You never even thought about taking me with you." Sam's expression fell, and Jim wouldn't let himself feel bad about that. "I don't have time to waste on empty apologies right now. Sorry."

He signed off without waiting for a reply and went back to his seat like nothing had happened.

No one wanted to let that slide, but Jim just picked up his plate and speared the last bite of potato salad on his fork. "Next thing you know Winona's going to call, 'just to check in'," he muttered disparagingly, and ate the salad.

Chewing slowly, he saw the worried look McCoy was throwing him, and knew that most people didn't speak so derisively about their family. He shrugged and swallowed. "They're not in my life anymore, Bones," he attempted to assuage the doctor's concern and head off any uncomfortable questions. "I don't need people who look at me and can't see me. I already have enough people comparing me to my father, but at least I can expect it from Starfleet, the general public. I shouldn't have to deal with my own family looking at me and seeing a dead man."

"No, you shouldn't," Carol cut in quickly. She shot McCoy a glare, and everyone went back to their meal, obligingly not commenting on the short conversation Jim had just had.

Jim was always so compassionate and caring, hiding any of his turbulent past from both friends and strangers, that it was easy to forget about everything he must have dealt with as a child. Losing his father like that, the way his mother had handled it, his brother's bitterness over losing a father to gain a brother… none of them could imagine what it must have been like, growing up with a family that resented him from the moment he had been born. Jim was so good at keeping all that in, that they only realized how horrible it must have been in moments like this, when the mask slipped ever so briefly and they were treated to just a hint of the force of emotion that was kept so carefully tucked behind his bright blue eyes.

It only made his friends want to do more, but Jim wasn't one to respond well to overt gestures, so they all just had to be content with silent promises to keep an eye out, and step in however they could, whenever they could.

XXX

The Endeavor docked without fuss or fanfare late that night, and they were able to slip Kodos into his holding cell without the press being alerted.

Of course it didn't stay quiet for long, once the public became aware of the fact that the ship was back at Earth, but at least they had managed to get the prisoner secured without interruption.

The few days before the trial passed quietly, with news reports and speculations. Jon's statement was dissected over and over, but thankfully it seemed to have done what they had hoped – the press wasn't digging quite as hard into the facts surrounding Tarsus and Jim as they had been before.

The day before the trial, all the witnesses were sequestered; they would be kept away from the public until the trial was over. Each group of witnesses was separated – the Starfleet responders, and those who had seen Kodos' face.

The responders would go first, Robbins had told them, and they would end with those who could identify the former governor. Jim would go last, since Robbins believed that his testimony would be the real nail in the coffin. Out of all the witnesses, he was the one who had the largest scope of everything Kodos had done.

It took a day and a half for all of the Starfleet responders to testify. Jim and the other civilian witnesses weren't privy to their testimonials, but Jim was aware that Chris and Shay were both on the witness list. He knew that a couple of doctors were also on the list, and a few more officers that had had major roles in the rescue.

With such a high profile trial, Robbins wasn't taking any chance of risking the appearance of impropriety, so he separated each witness; he didn't want anyone suggesting the witnesses were conspiring to make sure their stories were all straight. He didn't expect anyone to be working extra hard to get Kodos off the hook, but he couldn't afford any bad press. Starfleet was already dealing with a lot of flak for their lies in reporting the governor's death all those years ago. Apparently the public did not like being lied to. Imagine that.

XXX

By the time Doctor Karakas finished with her testimony on the third day, telling the courtroom of being in charge of all the injured and malnourished civilian survivors before they started getting people off the planet, it was time for lunch. Considering the only people left to testify were the six witnesses who could identify Kodos, the judge decided to adjourn for the rest of the day and start fresh in the morning.

No one wanted to draw it out any longer, but it was likely that they could get all the remaining testimonies in one day, so the judge felt it would be better to hold off until the morning.

Jim waited alone in a small office until after lunch, when there was a knock on the door and his name was called. "We're ready for you," the aide said professionally, and led him down the hall to the courtroom.

As he entered and took a seat, he knew that, while the other five witnesses had given their testimony in just one morning, it was all too likely that it would be the end of the day by the time they finished with him.

He was sworn in quickly, and then Robbins started asking questions. It was straight forward for a while. Jim talked about how he had met the governor, summarizing those eighteen months quickly, before moving on to discovering the fungus, telling Kodos six weeks before the crops failed, and everything that had happened afterwards. He didn't go into much detail, but it left no doubt in anyone's mind that the man had known and had the ability to act far sooner than they had been led to believe based on what had happened. If he had taken steps when he had first learned of the fungus, they could have likely saved the entire colony before it got too bad. The documents that Jim had sent to Starfleet had shown that he had been set on using the situation to his advantage, but it hadn't been clear before now just how much time he had spent plotting.

When Robbins was finished, Kodos' lawyer stood up and began his cross examination. "Captain Kirk, you were fourteen when the fungus hit, correct?"

Jim nodded. "Yes."

Jeff Malak had always wanted to be a lawyer. He had known ever since he was a kid, and practicing law while serving with Starfleet had been a dream come true. Never in his job description did he see 'represent psychotic mass murderer and attempt to destroy the credibility of a decorated Starfleet Captain'. But he had taken many oaths to represent his clients to the best of his ability, and his office had assigned him to represent Kodos. So he would do it, and hate himself just a little bit more with each question he threw the Captain on the stand. "Things must have been emotional for you. I understand you did not have a stable home life before your move to the colony on Tarsus IV. How can we be certain that your story is more than the emotional ramblings of a teenager? When you broke into Kodos' office, how could you possibly understand what was in the documents you stole?"

Seriously? Jim knew that the lawyer needed to represent his client professionally, but did he have to make it out like Jim was the criminal? "Do you know what it's like to have an eidetic memory?" he asked curiously.

Malak raised an eyebrow. "I hardly see how that's relevant."

Were he in a less professional setting, the look Jim shot the lawyer would have been called a glare. "Aerie, Brittany. Aerie, Paul. Adella, Monika. Adrian, Amanda. Adrian, Eloise. Adrian, Eric. Adrian, George. Austin, Charlotte. Austin, Drew. Austin, Jonathan…"

He continued for another minute, making it about halfway through the B's, before Robbins stood up. "That's enough, Captain. You don't have to continue."

Jim cut himself off and raised an eyebrow. "But I can." He looked at Malak. "I could tell you the names of all four thousand twenty-two people who were slated for execution. I can tell you the names of the two hundred thirteen people on that same list who survived. I can tell you the names of the one thousand and twenty people who were deemed worthy to live, who died anyway, as well as the three thousand and fifty-five people from that list who survived. That's an eidetic memory. That's how my mind works. I saw those lists for approximately thirty seconds when I was fourteen years old. I remember it more than fifteen years later. Every single name."

"And just how do you have all those names of survivors, Captain?" Malak asked curiously. "That information was not made public."

Jim shrugged. "Like I said, I saw the lists all those years ago. I read them, and I remember them." He pursed his lips. "As for knowing the names of the survivors?" He let out a small chuckle. "Well, I was a pretty angry kid back then. It wasn't that hard to find the information in Starfleet's files."

Jon immediately stood. "The court will strike that from the record."

The judge nodded. "So stricken."

Jon sat back down, and Jim looked contrite. "Sorry. But I can assure you, I knew what I was seeing on that computer. Just like I knew what I was seeing when I sent all his files to Starfleet. That man is Kodos, the former governor of Tarsus who sentenced over four thousand people to death. I spent two days a week in the presence of that man for eighteen months, and another two weeks being tortured by him. I will never forget his face."

He grit his teeth and forced himself to stay emotionless. He didn't want Kodos to know that he had gotten to him. He didn't want Kodos to know that he still had nightmares about him. The man had said and done nothing but sit quietly throughout his entire testimony, but the look he wore showed nothing but sadistic pleasure, when Jim managed to muster up the willpower to actually look at him.

Malak caught onto one word in particular. "Torture?"

Jim flinched minutely, and told the room about the jamming signal Kodos had erected, to stop anyone from potentially calling for help. He told them how he had gone to take it down, and been caught. He summarized those few weeks as concisely as possible, not wanting to go into detail.

When he finished, Malak took a moment to gather his thoughts. He might be Kodos' lawyer, but that didn't mean he really wanted the man to get off, or even get a lighter sentence. What the psychopath had done was truly horrifying, and he was only hearing the details on one particular case. There were thousands more, whose lives had been snuffed out or irrevocably damaged, because of the man he had sworn to defend. "What were your reasons?" When Jim just looked at him confused, he elaborated, "if you were as close as you say to the governor, why would you risk such protection? Why would you risk getting caught? Surely you would have been safe from the famine and the aftermath."

Jim smirked, though there was absolutely no hint of humor in the expression. "You're assuming I was meant to live."

That appeared to throw several Admirals for a loop. They had all assumed that. Kodos had taken a personal interest in the young teenager, surely he had wanted the kid to survive; at least until he started to make trouble for the governor and his guards. Right?

Malak blinked, startled. "It appears no one has asked you this question then, Captain. Which list were you on?"

Jim shrugged. "Neither. I was different. Special." He spat the word out but it left a bad taste in his mouth. "I knew too much. Kodos wanted to deal with me personally." He leveled a glare at the former governor, full of malice. "His mistake."

Malak knew that nothing else he asked would help his case. "I have no further questions."

The judge nodded. 'You may step down, Captain Kirk."

Jim immediately stood up and made his way out of the courtroom. The aide that had collected him for his testimony was still waiting, and led him down the hall to a larger conference room, where the other five witnesses were gathered. Now that they had all testified, there was no need to keep them separate. They would all wait here until the verdict was delivered. A small viewscreen was set up, showing a wide view of the courtroom, where they could watch the remainder of the trial.

Kevin and Tom greeted Jim warmly when he arrived, making room next to them at the table. the other three witnesses nodded, but didn't say anything. None of them really knew each other well, so Jim didn't read anything into it.

The last person they called to the stand was Kodos himself. For some reason, the former governor had decided not to waive his right to speak, so they all had to listen to him talk about how he owned Jim. How Jimmy would never be able to escape him, how he had belonged to him ever since he was twelve.

Robbins was clearly disturbed, listening to the man talk, but he wanted to know why Kodos had collected information on Jim. If the Captain was in danger, they needed to know.

But as Kodos rambled on, it was clear that his information gathering had been little more than the obsessiveness of a psychotic mass murderer, and not a larger plot to destroy or harm Captain Kirk.

Tom and Kevin both pressed closer to Jim as Kodos stepped down, offering what comfort they could. It couldn't be easy to listen to someone talk about you like a piece of property.

Jim just clenched his jaw and tried not to let the words get to him. He would never have to see the asshole again after this. There was no chance that he would get off, so it didn't matter what he thought.

The deliberation barely took fifteen minutes, and no one was surprised when the judge remanded Kodos into custody, to serve out a life sentence on the penal colony Elba II; the planet itself was inhospitable, and therefore unoccupied, except for the penal colony for the criminally insane that Starfleet had set up there a hundred years earlier.

The Federation had done away with the death penalty within the first fifty years after its inception, but as Kodos was led from the room, Jim wished they'd bring it back, just this once. On a philosophical level, he didn't really believe in the death penalty, but considering what that man had put him and so many others through, Jim understood the comfort that came from knowing that the one who had hurt him was gone, and would never draw breath again. Even on a remote penal colony, however slim it was, there was still a chance – escape, finding and working with a partner, there were always ways, if one wanted it badly enough.

The aide who stood at attention in the back of the room cleared his throat. "Attorney General Robbins would like to speak with you briefly, if you'll wait a moment. I believe the press is still gathered outside, so you will be escorted out a back entrance, to minimize the risk of being spotted."

A few of them nodded in agreement, while the rest just looked like they wanted to get the hell out and back to their lives.

Robbins did his best not to keep them waiting; he arrived a few minutes later, with Jon in tow. "Thank you all for your testimony," the Attorney General said, smiling tightly. "I know that nothing I say can give you back anything you've lost, but your testimony helped put a mad man away for good."

Jon nodded quickly. "No one outside that courtroom knows any of the details; they broadcast the sentencing, and I'll go out there in a minute to talk to the press myself, but there were no cameras with live feeds before that point. All of your testimonies will be classified, and everyone in the courtroom has signed a nondisclosure agreement. If you ever need anything from Starfleet, please don't hesitate to ask."

There were a couple of nods, and then Jon gestured for the aide who had remained in the room to guide them to the back door, so that they could avoid the press camped outside.

Jim hung back for a moment, after giving Tom and Kevin a nod, telling them he'd meet them back at his apartment.

Jon waited until they were alone before he sighed wearily. "Don't listen to what that psycho said, Jim. He's crazy, and he's never leaving Elba II."

Jim grimaced and shrugged. He just needed some time to process and tuck all the emotions away, but he'd do it. He had done it once before, after all. "I'm just glad it's done," he replied.

Jon winced. He knew how difficult this was for the kid. He hated how badly the past had come back to bite them all, and he knew that they had screwed up back then. It had been wrong, to lie to everyone and claim that the governor was dead. A necessary wrong, maybe, but still wrong.

"Go relax," the Admiral implored. "At least, relax as much as you can. I should get outside and deal with the press."

Jim nodded, and the two separated out in the hall, Jon to the front entrance, and Jim to the back.

XXX

It was obvious when Jim got back to his apartment that the large group waiting for him had watched the sentencing, as well as Jon's statement, which he was still giving when Jim arrived. Everyone was there, including Cory, who had taken the days of the trial off of work, not trusting himself to actually get anything done while all this mania was going on.

McCoy was quick to turn the vidscreen off when the Captain entered, and a heavy silence descended. Tom and Kevin had arrived before him, and though they had clearly given the group the basics, Jim would have to be an idiot not to see that they all wanted more.

But no one was willing to push, so McCoy just suggested dinner at a restaurant off campus. Everyone agreed, and decided to meet back in ten minutes after they all changed.

And true to plan, when they all gathered once more, everyone was dressed casually in jeans and t-shirts; not one hint of Starfleet could be found.

McCoy had even fetched Joanna, who took a running leap and nearly tackled her pseudo uncle in her excitement. Jim was prepared though – she had done this quite a bit back when she was younger, every time she had to go more than twelve hours without seeing him. It had gotten a bit overkill when she greeted him that way every morning for over a week, and McCoy had had to talk to her about proper levels of enthusiasm. But Jim loved it, even if she was no longer a small child and it took a bit more effort to actually pick her up. She was too big for him to actually carry easily by now, so he set her down and let her hold his hand instead, as they walked.

There were people outside, but thankfully no one who looked like a member of the press; those that were around didn't seem to pay much attention to Jim or the group around him, perhaps because, out of uniform, they were less noticeable.

So no one bothered them as they headed off campus, McCoy steering them to a small restaurant just a short walk from campus.

Jim was confused when they entered the establishment. The restaurant was clearly open, but no one appeared to be sitting down or eating. There was a small group standing in the back corner, talking amongst themselves. They turned as the newcomers entered, and Jim furrowed his brow.

"What…"

There was a low moan from somewhere in the group of strangers, and then they all seemed to shift towards him. "JT," was a soft murmur that came from one of the men in front.

Jim's eyes widened, and then he was moving forward quickly. He soon disappeared from view, surrounded by bodies.

The man in front was the first one to grasp him in a tight hug, but several others couldn't stop themselves from reaching out, grasping his shoulder or arm, as if to prove to themselves that he was real.

"Kieran?" Jim's voice barely qualified as a whisper.

The man in his arms nodded weakly, the movement rubbing against his chest. "God, we never knew. When you called last week… oh God, JT." That appeared to be the extent of his coherent thought, and Jim just rubbed his back soothingly.

But Kieran couldn't take up all his time, so Jim moved to each newcomer, in time. Sha'al was there, as was Percy, and Rose, and Jenny, and Mattie… Sven and Callen, Diana… when Jim was done greeting them all, he could see that every single one of his kids were here.

Tom, April, Cory, and Kevin moved forward then, and the group descended into tearful hellos once more. When they finished, Tom came to a rest at Jim's side. "I asked Pike if he could track any of them down," the scientist admitted softly. Jim looked at him, startled, and Tom smiled. "I know you contacted some of them, and Pike did the rest. I thought it might be nice to see them all again. No matter how bad things got, JT, just look around at all of them and remember what you did. You saved us. And don't go protesting that I helped. Yeah, I know I did. So did April, and Anya, and Cory. Your very first command crew. But you led us. You did this. Jim, you're the reason we're all here. Don't ever doubt that."

Jim smiled, a few tears building up in his eyes before he managed to blink them back, and nodded.

As they all sat down at the tables that had been set up for them, Jim found himself with Kieran on one side and Percy on the other. There were several tables, each set for six, so they all broke into smaller groups, the Enterprise crew mingling easily with the rest.

"I still can't believe you're all here," the Captain admitted, helping himself to one of the dishes that the wait staff had set out. Each table had large platters of various foods, enough to feed all of them several times over.

Kieran shrugged and grinned. "Like Tom said, he and Admiral Pike worked together to get us all here. Starfleet even paid for transportation, for those who weren't already in the area." He glanced around at the group. "I think Sha'al was the farthest, she came from Andoria. Most of us were on Earth or in the sol system, so it wasn't too much of a challenge. Tonight was completely set up by Pike and your Doctor McCoy, though. Pike's footing the bill, from what I could tell, but McCoy was the one to organize."

Jim looked over at his best friend. The doctor was busy trying to get Joanna to eat her vegetables. "Huh." Jim turned back to his own table.

Kieran's grin widened. "He's an interesting one. He likes to complain, doesn't he."

Jim snorted. "Don't get him started on how much he hates space. I honestly have no idea why he decided Starfleet was the way to go when he was starting over all those years ago. Not that I'm upset about it, he's a great friend."

Kieran nodded readily. "I could tell. He seems to really care about you." He paused and looked down at his plate. "I'm really glad everything's worked out for you. After we got back to Earth, and everyone separated to go try and rebuild their own lives… I missed you. I missed everyone. But I didn't even know how to begin going about looking for you. I didn't even know your real name."

Jim winced. "I didn't want anyone to know," he admitted. "When I first moved there, I was so sick of being compared to my father, so my aunt and uncle let me use their last name. And then after…" he sighed. "It was safer if no one knew." Kieran nodded again, and Jim offered him an understanding smile. "I am sorry." Forcing the conversation in another direction, he asked them about their own lives. He had kept an eye out over the years, making sure they were settling in after all the shock and trauma, and then that they were doing all right and didn't need him for some reason; but he wanted to hear from them, their trials, triumphs, and achievements. There was only so much he could learn from cold words on a computer screen.

All of them were successful, devoting their lives to helping others whenever they could. Kieran had gone to college to study law, and was working as a public defender in Nevada. Percy was running an orphanage for Starfleet dependents. Diana and Jenny had both enlisted in Starfleet within the last couple of years – Jenny just this year, and Diana was in her second year now. There were a couple scientists – one studying crop science, the other, ecology. They were all like that: each and every one of them taking the compassion and determination that JT had shown them, and channeling it to their own lives.

It was awe-inspiring, for Jim to realize just how deeply he had affected their lives. He knew that he had saved them, but he hadn't even thought that maybe the paths they had taken had been motivated by him, were because of him.

After everyone had eaten, they began moving chairs around, mingling with others, and the evening passed quickly as friendships were re-forged and new ones made. For reasons Jim couldn't quite understand, Percy and McCoy got on like a house on fire. Maybe it was the take no bullshit attitudes they each held as gospel.

Sulu was eager to give Jenny a few flying tips, as she was going for the Navigations Track with a focus on piloting. Diana was studying Communications, so she and Uhura quickly disappeared into a conversation in what Jim was fairly certain was Melkotian, but he only spoke a few words of the language, so he wasn't positive.

Pavel enjoyed talking with Percy a lot; Percy and Anya had worked closely together on Tarsus, as she was in charge of making sure the younger kids had everything they needed, while Percy handled watching them on a daily basis. The older man had many stories to share, and for his part, he was thrilled to meet the younger brother that Anya had spoken so much about, during those long fearful months.

He didn't stick to just one group though; Pavel moved between all of Anya's friends, speaking with each one for at least a few minutes. He was so happy to meet all of these people who had known his sister. And most of them were just as excited – Anya had talked about her brother a lot.

Joanna was a quick hit with everyone, her childlike excitement and eagerness to meet those who were clearly close to her uncle Jim, as well as the woman she was really hoping her dad would hurry up and marry already. It proved to be completely exhausting for the girl though, as she curled up in an empty booth and fell asleep shortly after dinner; McCoy was amused to note several watchful gazes on his daughter, and not just from the crew she called family. Several of the newcomers – it was weird for him to think of them as Jim's kids, but he had to admit that it fit; that's what they were, or had been, at least – also kept a close eye, making sure she didn't want for anything.

When he mentioned it to Percy offhandedly, the man chuckled and took a deep swig of his beer. "You're JT's family," he said simply. "You and Joanna, the rest of his crew. We might not have known his real name back then, but that doesn't change who he was to us. Who he still is. He's family to us, and you're family to him."

It was so simple, and yet McCoy could see how it made sense. Percy leveled the doctor with a wicked smirk. "Besides all that, you're dating April. She's just as much family as Jim is. Don't you dare break her heart."

McCoy rolled his eyes but nodded, and took a sip from his own drink, a higher end bourbon that he really liked. Hey, if Pike was footing the bill, he'd milk it for all it was worth. The Admiral had even told him, when they had set this up, not to worry about price.

It was amazing to watch, even as they all interacted and formed and reformed new groups, conversation flowing easily and happily. No matter who they were talking to, or how far away he was, Jim's crew could see the way the survivors all kept one eye on their Captain. As if waiting for orders, or to make sure he was still there. Those behaviors had been learned at the height of terror for all of them, but even now years later, it was still their first instinct.

It was very late by the time the gathering broke up. The goodbyes took a while, but plenty of comm. numbers were exchanged, and Jim knew they'd all keep in touch. Most were sticking around for another couple of days, so they made plans to meet up again before they all had to leave.

Eventually, it was just Jim, Carol, McCoy, April, and Joanna, the other Starfleet officers all having headed back to campus earlier. Jim watched as McCoy picked up his daughter; she barely stirred in her father's arms, and he smiled softly as she stuck a thumb in her mouth.

"Thanks, Bones," he said softly, joining the doctor and the others as they all began the short walk back to the Academy.

McCoy glanced over and shrugged. "I thought you could all use that," he admitted, embarrassment coloring his voice. He didn't want praise or gratitude. He had done it for his friend because he knew that Jim still carried the guilt of all he hadn't been able to do. He needed to remember all he had done.

Jim nodded slightly, knowing what the doctor was thinking. "I think I did need it," he replied. Carol slipped a hand into his, squeezing gently in reassurance. "I've kept track of them over the years, but every time I even thought about contacting any of them, I lost my nerve. I guess I just convinced myself that they blamed me for… I don't know, not doing more. I know it's not true," he rushed on when he could see all of them gearing up to argue. "I just let my own insecurities twist it all in my head."

"I'm glad you know that," Leonard commented shifting Joanna in his arms so that he had a better grip. "I know it couldn't have been easy, and I hate how much you tear yourself up for things that you couldn't have helped, so I'm glad that you can understand that not everyone is as hard on you as you are."

Jim smiled softly, while April snorted and Carol nodded in agreement.

"I think I'm starting to get that," he murmured under his breath, and the rest of the walk passed in silence.

XXX

Things settled down more as the week went by. The press continued their reporting, bringing Jim's name into it as often as they could. Someone had finally connected the dots, and he was outed as the child savior JT, which only brought more of a spotlight; Jim rarely ventured out into the common areas of the Academy during the day, not wanting to deal with either the press or the Starfleet officers and Cadets who spotted him on campus and didn't even bother to lower their voices or wait until he passed before they started talking about him.

The press also noted the contingent of young adults that had been seen around Jim several times – the group had stuck around for a few days, catching up, before they all headed back to their lives. It didn't take a huge leap of logic to name them as the kids Jim had saved on that planet. Tom and Kevin had been outed as survivors during the trial, and someone somewhere had recognized Cory's last name and made the connection to Jim through that. With April also hanging around this group of strangers, it wasn't hard for the press to figure out that she was as survivor as well. And of course, Pavel's presence was noted, but they had already been hounding him about his sister, so he didn't have quite as big a spotlight on him. The rest weren't thrilled to be recognized, but nothing could be done about it now, and they all left within a couple of days, worried about how their friends back home might react to the news, but trying not to think about it too much.

After they were gone, when Jim did leave his apartment, it was generally to head up to the Enterprise, to work with Scotty on finishing the repairs and upgrades. They were set to leave in just over two weeks, and Jim was chomping at the bit. He had spent too long on Earth, he was ready to get back to the stars.

At least after the first week, Jon was able to ban all the press from the Academy grounds. The trial was over, Kodos had already been shipped off to Elba II; there was no need for them to still be here. They could report all they wanted from outside the gates.

XXX

The Yorktown ended up shipping out first, with Chris officially on board as a diplomatic officer, looking years younger in his eagerness to get on board, when Jim met him and Shay in the shuttle hangar to say goodbye before they left.

Their shore leave was supposed to be longer, but after everything that had happened with Harrison and Marcus, the schedules all got shuffled around, and the Yorktown ended up getting a shorter break than they had expected.

Chris grasped Jim in a tight hug, as Shay stepped back and waited her turn. "Take care of yourself up there," Jim implored, pulling back with a smile. It was usually Chris telling him that, the last few times they had been in this setting. Jim was so happy for the man, to be able to get back on a ship, to continue living his dream.

Chris laughed lightly. "Definitely," he agreed, and let Shay move in with her own hug.

When they pulled apart, Jim couldn't stop smiling. He really liked having a family.

Shay beamed. "You're leaving in a week, right?"

Jim nodded quickly. "We're just about done with the upgrades. I can't wait to get out of here."

Chris grimaced slightly at the reminder of the frenzy and the press still sharing his story with the universe. He had no doubt that Jim was ready to get the hell off Earth. Even though it had been a surprise to his crew, they at least wouldn't treat him any differently. He was incredibly impressed and humbled to hear about how much pressure Jim's entire crew had been getting, how many reporters had been attempting to get an exclusive scoop; but not one of Jim's crew had even thought about selling their Captain out. Chris knew that that kind of loyalty couldn't be bought. It was the result of years of trust and confidence; belief and conviction. Dependence and faith. Jim had turned his crew into a family, and that wasn't easy. Not every Captain had that ability. And Chris was so incredibly proud. He felt privileged just to count Jim as part of his family.

Unfortunately, they didn't have much time to spare, so Jim gave each of them one last hug, and watched as they boarded a shuttle along with a few other officers from the Yorktown. He waited until the shuttle had departed before he headed back towards Cochrane Hall.

Jon had called him in for a meeting to discuss their next five-year mission, and Jim was eager to hear what the Admiral had to say.

Jon didn't keep him waiting, and jumped right in as soon as Jim arrived. "Forget all the stipulations you had to follow last time," he said with a large grin. "I know you want to get out there and explore. So go. Explore. We'll see you in five years."

Jim blinked, startled, and then beamed. "Seriously?"

Jon nodded. "You're an exploratory vessel, Jim. I know five years ago the Admiralty wanted to make sure you could handle it, plus the ship was new… but that's over. You've proven to those that needed proving that you can do the job. So go do it."

Jim was still smiling as he met the rest of his command crew for dinner that night. They were all thrilled to hear their new orders – though McCoy showed his excitement with his usual grumbling about space and danger.

And with just under a week to go, each of them was busier than ever, packing, preparing their departments, tidying up and tying up loose ends with their dwellings on Earth. They wouldn't be back for five years, so no one wanted to accidentally leave anything behind.

XXX

Everyone was early to report for duty on the day the Enterprise departed. This last shore leave hadn't exactly been peaceful, but they were all happy to get back to their jobs. Jim had even bent regulations and allowed several of their younger inhabitants access to the Bridge as they prepared to ship out.

Joanna looked entirely at home in the Captain's chair, while thirteen-year-old Carlie Hansen sat on her father's lap at one of the science stations off to one side. Joanna's friend Sheri Conway was watching Uhura intently, soaking up all the information the Communications officer had to share. Her mother was in the Communications department, though she wasn't high enough on the ladder to ever work a shift on the Bridge. But Sheri was fascinated, and already planning on following in her footsteps. A few consoles over, Carol was playing host to her own audience – Matt Twycross, the seven-year-old son of a Lieutenant in Navigations.

Spock joined Jim in front of the large window, as Sulu maneuvered them out of spacedock. "Have you decided on a destination, Captain?" The First Officer asked curiously.

Jim glanced over, and then looked at Sulu. "Pick a direction, Lieutenant. Let's get out of here."

Sulu grinned. "Aye aye, Captain."

Jim turned to Joanna, who was watching him eagerly. "Jo, what do we say?"

Joanna looked from him to Sulu, and back. The Pilot turned slightly in his seat, waiting for orders from the ten-year-old.

Joanna beamed, showing off gap where she had recently lost a tooth. "Punch it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done. Thanks everyone for sticking with me!
> 
> This was definitely a longer chapter than I intended. It was supposed to be divided into a last chapter and an epilogue, but the epilogue was really short and just felt weird, so I combined it into one chapter. I have gotten some questions about tying the third movie into this storyline, but I don't have any plans to do that as of right now. I'm not saying no, I think it's definitely a possibility, and I've started to brainstorm a little, but at the moment, I really have no time in between work and grad school. However, I will be spending the summer doing an internship in Africa with possibly sporadic access to the internet, so I might not have much else to do in my free time except write… so maybe?


End file.
